*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dejavu/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
151
151
Review of Church Supper  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Interesting tittle and descriptive line is catchy.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*I liked the opening two paragraphs because they set scene, location and Mary's personality and lifestyle very firmly in reader's imagination.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Plot is well planned and executed. Story flow is easy and quick for such a short piece. Great dramatic arc with a twist ending.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Mary's character is very well defined. At first I felt she was someone I'd like to know.. the end, not so much!
Mark also is easy to visualize, although I felt he could have been drawn out much more effectively in a longer version of this piece. I know, word count...*Smile* Maybe something for future?

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Imagery is vivid throughout the story, emotion is good, consistant to characters throughout and keeps reader engaged.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Paragraph Six, gives just a hint things aren't quite right.
Climax, chillingly dark twist, I didn't even see it coming!

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
Nothing that would really improve this and keep it to word limit, it follows the prompt well, writing is clean and well polished.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A satisfying, creepy little read that I'd love to see expanded slightly one day!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
152
152
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Good tittle, very catchy description!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*Excellent dramatic opening, it hooked me into the action and story immediately! I particularly liked the description of the tangled sheets.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Excellent plot, you can do so much with this. Flow is a bit choppy in places, see suggestions.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* You have created a strong, three dimensional character in Lacey. She is easy to see and connect with.
Dialogue feels mixed up, choppy in areas, see suggestions.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Great imagery, can you add in the red glow, feel of the heat ... smells?

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Lacey struggling to push daughter outside, opening paragraph. VERY strong, vivid scenes and emotion here.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
first section of dialogue reads choppy, rather disjointed in places. Can you switch some sentences around so story flows smoother, keeps credibility?
EXAMPLES:
He probably started this [ gives away middle/ ending. Revise so she just feels fear that he's gone, she's alone.]
I need to get a wet towel. [ show her stumbling into bath, cold water soaking towel/ skin, than going after kids as thoughts race on..]
What if she drank like Jerry? [ try putting this where she finds him, let us feel her hate, anger, contempt] She loved him once, cried out for him in opening...
fighting panic, her heart racing raced.. [ deletes one passive 'ing' word.
NOTE: In trailers, windows don't 'pop', they turn to scorching hot liquid and run out like water. Very freaky, saw it happen myself a few weeks back.
Lacey ws in shock. Show us.. her stumbling forward, staring in surprise at that scorched, dangling flesh of her hand. Maybe she's past pain?
It loses credibility that she's fighting so hard for her and her kids but she wants to die - try renewed determination that they'll live. [ more in her character, she's no quitter]
'mam'' maám '
Closing line works, but could be more credible if she felt some remorse over Jerry, even if only that he'd been a different type of person...?
Wouldn't she be getting medical attention from paramedic for smoke inhalation/ burns?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A great dramatic thriller that could be absolutely mind bending with a little polishing and revising! A great read.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
153
153
Review of The Labourer  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A poem rich in imagery, strong in emotions. It brought a feeling of sadness, almost a restlessness to life in me as I read. I had no problem envisioning the POV in this poem, and I really enjoyed how the verses flowed into each other to tell the story of this man's life. I was intriqued by his motions and wondered what he'd be thinking, what was he searching for? Then it hit me, rest on his terms, where he chose. It was his reward, or so it seemed as I read. Writing is crisp, polished and holds the reader spellbound.
An excellent supernatural poem that readers of all beliefs would enjoy greatly.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
154
154
Review of Starlit Sky  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

I enjoyed both the concept and strong, vivid imagery of this poem. The storyline was remarkably beautiful and poignant. It brought strong feelings of joy, nostalgia for summer nights like this one, summers of old, and sadness at the ending and loss. It also gave me great respect for how strong love can truly be. The flow and cadence was remarkably enthralling and I actually felt surprised and a bit sad to realize I'd reached the end. Punctuation, style, grammer were excellent. A truly memorable and haunting poem that I am certain I will relive in my dreams this night.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
155
155
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really liked the premise and storyline behind this poem. It caught my imagination and held my interest well. I particularly liked the final two lines of the poem, it was here that it struck me what the author was trying to say about not just letting your life slip away while life sort of happens around you. Excellent concept, very well executed. There is a nice beat to this poem, although I did find that adding a comma after line three in each verse, creating a pause for the reader, added drama and impact quite substantially.
Also, line four, verse five; try changing the word 'The', to Our or Your ... I felt this made the piece more personal to the reader, and smoothed the flow.
An interesting and thought provoking piece!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
156
156
Review of Jenaera's Tear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item"  and as a member of the Simply Positive Review Group. It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; Excellent tittle and descriptive line.
I really liked the opening lines of this story, it really aroused my curiosity. I did wonder what Amella and her family looked like though. I think thier description would have added great interest to the story. I really liked Amella's character, very smart and brave. I'd have enjoyed learning what happened to her once she left thier world and fell back asleep.

CONTENTS; Interesting plot premise, but you seemed to have two seperate stories by the end. What happened to Amella and her family? How did Amella tie into the farm family?

CHARACTER[s]; I didn't get much of a sense of Amella's familiy's purpose or reasoning. Amella and the farm family were well done and believable, but didn't really seem connected to each other.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Imagery of Amella falling and the farmer's reaction to the drought were well done as was the rain finally falling. Emotion was good, but I think you could have pulled in more by describing how Amella felt while falling, was she afraid - joyous, curious ? Did she connect emotionally with the human race?

SUGGESTIONS:
center your tittle and by-line in item body to seperate it from main story.
Can you find a way to link Amella to the farm family and the child's prayer for rain? This would add great continuity to this story.

FINAL THOUGHTS: A promising first draft, writing is crisp, no grammer or punctuation errors. I think with a little revision and strengthening of the plot, you'd have a really amazing fantasy story here!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
157
157
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great tittle, but I'd capitilize each word for maximum effect - excellent descriptive line, I HAD to read onwards! This poem has the most interesting cadence/ beat, it reads like the sound of tip-toeing footsteps ! Delightfully eerie! It just pulls one right into the experience. A great dramatic arc and build-up to tension. I enjoyed how the poem told it's historical aspect while showing you the present day action as well. Strong vivid imagery, deep emotions that resonate straight into a reader's senseof justice. I have a couple of minor suggestions for this poem. Double check each verse for punctuation, you missed a few.. Verse Two, lines one and two need commas for flow.
And thoughts that fear has sewen [ sowen] - Also, try changing 'And' to 'Amidst ' [ more punch]
I'd make a slight reference to the six people earlier on.....
Awesome last verse, my personal favorite - a great climax for this poem. A delightfully, spooky read I completely enjoyed, can't wait to read more just like it!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
158
158
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Great tittle, I'd add something to descriptive line to challenge reader interest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*I really like the repitition of the words 'I never liked... 'worked well to add drama and maintain reader interest in this piece.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Plot is strong and imaginately executed to something most people can relate to. Flow is consistent and strong throughout this piece.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are well developed, believable and very easy to visualize. Dialogue - both internal and external - is believable and crisp.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Imagery is vivid, particularly in character description and in the area just outside camp. Emotion is powerful, one can feel the POV's frustration growing into something volatile.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Description of Jeffrey's cruelty. Word repitition.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I would suggest changing your item rating to ASR due to content. There are parts that seem a little strong for younger readers, although sadly, I know many of them are probably familiar with the subject matter to some point.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A crisp, well polished tale that lets readers into the mind of a frightened, angry young boy.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
159
159
Review of A box of hearts.  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)

Good tittle, but try capitilizing each word to draw reader's eye. I liked the thought behind this poem of the candy hearts, very sweet sentiments! Flow is good, but I think you'd develop a better rythm through adding a few more lines to inspire deeper emotion.
I do have a few suggestions for improvement on spelling and punctuation. Line One; change period to comma at end of line.
Line Two; use comma, not period at end [ breaks the flow]
Line Three; change period to comma.
Line Five; comma at end of line.
Line Six; that's [ that] it [ it's] - delete comma at end of line because thought continues in next line unbroken.
Line Eight; Here [ Here's] change period to comma.
Line Nine; Well [ Will ]

With a little attention to detail and revising, this will be a really touching little poem.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
160
160
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the premise for this story and the dialogue flows very well, but I didn't feel like I really connected to either character too much. It would have been nice to have a hint of what Julia was planning to do after dropping off Camden, it might have provided better insight into her state of mind, she seemed quite shallow and 'put upon'by her family and associates. The story left me feeling like it was unfinished, one wonders what Camden could possibly have gotten at the stepmother's place, did he think it would help the relationship? How did Julia react? She seemed really determined to fulfill her plans and barely tolerant of Camden. I liked the appearance of the old man, an interesting encounter. Although I felt this would work better as a longer piece, for a dialogue only story, it did hold my interest very well. The writing was very crisp and well polished.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
161
161
Review of I See You  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I love the tittle of this piece, very apt! The storyline is almost mezmerizing as it pulls you into Kathy's world. She is a strong, well portrayed character, her nightmare is spooky and believable, yet she refuses to give it control over her life. This is a woman I can easily imagine sitting down with for coffee and a long heart to hearttalk, she is genuinely likeable. The story flowswell, events happen in an easy to follow manner that holds reader interest high, the twist at the end was particularly unexpected because of the mirrors view, [ window, shower stall] Very well done! I felt sorry for Kathy's fear at the end, but found it rather humourous as well. An excellent read I enjoyed very much!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
162
162
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Excellent tittle, description fits story, but doesn't draw readers to story as much as it could.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* I liked the feelings expressed in the story, but I think it might be better told in the present tense, first person, through Tommy's eyes. There feels like a small current of disgust/ predjudice in this piece that rather spoils it. Maybe it's just some of the wording.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Excellent plot idea, very fitting in these times. Flow is a little bumpy in places, some revision and polishing would easily fix it.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are quite believable, although I think multiple gang rapes plus an abusive husband is overkill. I doubt a four year old would remember anything but mommy being hurt. I also think Kathy would speak kindly to Tommy, not sarcastically, she seems a good, kind person. Why is being slow obvious signs of a crack baby? Couldn't it be from a rough birth delivery, like the cord was temporarily wrapped about Tommy's neck?

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Imagery is good, emotions, for the most part are well executed.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* When Linda stands up for Stephen.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
The whole class begins to laugh laughed.
Max was a horrible abusive alcholic who beat...
but thanks to good old Max...
Tommy goes left for home.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An interesting story with a happy ending.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
163
163
Review of Welfare  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Short, catchy tittle. It provides a really pleasant surprise for readers whom expect something rather different than initially expected! I liked the descriptive line, particularly after reading the story!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* Interesting comparisons in your story theme of being a slave on an unstoppable ship to Welfare as one reads the tittle.
I found the story interesting, full of surprises, yet it always seems to have that underlying theme of 'this is how it is.'

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*Plot works very well in sea-faring tale of a young sailor. I felt it both well planned and well executed. Flow is very good, sharp, crisp writing. Events take us from the POV's young life through middle age.
Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* POV Character is interesting, well defined. I saw him as a fit, hard, slightly bitter person who thinks deeply about life and still holds a sense of mystery, a desire to have questions answered. Internal dialogue is well done, providing setting, information on background, moving the story ahead without losing reader interest.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Excellent imagery of the ocean and ship, although I'd have liked to have a bit more imagery to relate to the Captain. Emotion is strong, lending an intense, dramatic flair to this piece.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The ending, for it's dramatic surprise twist.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I have seen so many fall. I struggle to sympathise. [ splitting into two sentences adds punch.]
Nothing else popped out at me, other than that mentioned above about the Captain.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An interesting read, very different from what the tittle leads one to expect!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
164
164
Review of Legend of Lucrece  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item" , and as a member of the Simply Positive Review Group. It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck! Remember to take all suggestions with a grain of salt and Keep Writing!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; Interesting plot, the storyline begins well. I liked the descriptions given for use of magic used by Lucrece, but descriptive line doesn't seem to quite fit this piece. It feels like a shortened version of a much longer story.

CONTENTS; Contents had some truly interesting and dramatic momments, but these seemed to be overshadowed by long narrative passages placed right in the middle of the action scenes. EXAMPLE; One momment, the wizard is setting the werewolf on fire, then drinking his blood, next he's chained at a completely different location in chains facing another enemy. How did he get there? What happened to the first werewolf? Story really lost me there as it made the rest rather confusing.

CHARACTER[s]; Lucrece is a most interesting character, yet I feel I really never got to know him well. What was the legend surrounding him? It seemed he had a cure, or was he seeking another one, for what purpose?
SilverFang was interesting, I think much more use could have been made of this character, more of a challenge to the wizard than presented.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Imagery of background items such as the wizard's study are great, but I'd have liked to see more details through the wizard's eyes on fights, journey, etc.

SUGGESTIONS:
More showing readers what's going on through main characters eyes, thoughts, emotions would really add depth and impact here.
I'd do a strong revision for long, run-on sentences and spelling typos throughout this piece.
And in this... In this...
he has chosen... he had chosen...
ever every day...
his beard. and Muscles
except accept

FINAL THOUGHTS: You have a wonderfully interesting first draft here! With some revising and polishing , this could be a truly exceptional story.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
165
165
Review of Labour in Vain  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Catchy tittle, compelling plot and storyline. Your characters are well shown and believable. I found it very easy to get emotionally involved, particularly the beginning and end.
You do need to fix the formatting, some lines are indented much more than others they should be even with. I would add a very short transition to help readers move more smoothly from John to Steve, I got a bit lost there, it threw me right out of the story for a bit, had to re-read it. A very emotional, sad and touching story that with a little polishing will truly shine!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
166
166
Review of Last Gift  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Excellent tittle, very catchy descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*I felt like Iwas there in the room, feeling what she felt, feeling his joy and sorrow.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*A wonderfully poignant, yet romantic plot that is executed with precision. Flow is smooth and in perfect sync throughout this short story.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Both main characters are three dimensional, realistic, one feels thier love. The baby is also very strongly portrayed.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Strong imagery, the emotions of love, joy, sadness glue readers to the screen.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Paragraph two, the ending line. Written with true feeling and understanding.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
... with the softest of kisses, touches, he kissed her. [ changing one in red eliminates two such similar words so close together.]
whispered her name. He called to her.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* Poignant, dramatic, this one will leave you crying, but you'll be glad you read it!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
167
167
Review of The System  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You have a very good plot concept here, but I think it would be more emotionally engaging if it were fleshed out a little. Imagery is good when it comes to Miriam, but can you add in scents? of the cabin, men, Miriam, etc. A sense of time would be good, how long has this gone on, were there other women before her, does your main character remember them? What happened to all the women? Ending fits the piece, but I felt this was just the warm-up to a longer story, I wanted to know more about these men, is it the remains of a dying civilization, village? Time period? You have the makings of a truly engaging story here!
I have one suggestion ; Line One, delete 'so'and make it two sentences in your opening. [ more impact]
A good read that got my curiosity really going!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
168
168
Review of A Jealous Muse  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Good tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* A very creepy thought for a writer, yet, it touched me quite deeply because one's Muse does seem to be a living thing. Very Stephen King in presentation!

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Entertaining plot that held me interested throughout. Flow is good, rather hypnotic in presentation.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Both Miranda and her Muse are well developed and easy to connect with. Miranda could be any writer out there trying to work up a new story. Her Muse works perfectly as the antagonist for a serious writer.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*Imagery is very visual and never interferes with the direction or moving forward of the story. Emotions are sharp, well defined.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* Opening paragraphs because they make you care about Miranda and set the stage well.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I did feel adding a little more fear and reaction on Miranda's part at the slamming door would add believability, maybe an open window and breeze as a red herring there?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An excellent, spooky read guaranteed to make one want to 'nourish'thier Muse's feelings well.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
169
169
Review of The Smell Of Fear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)

Good tittle and interesting story line, you have some very good descriptions and a promising, interesting plot. I did feel a strong revision/ polishing and perhaps lengthening of this story would really make it stand out. You need to do some editing to create stronger, less run-on sentences, repeated phrases/descriptions that are too close together. The ending reads very abruptly, like there is much more story to tell.
EXAMPLES:
kept on faucet - try leaky, burst, etc.
A room with four walls and dark. TRY; A cramped, dark room. Too dark.
I never saw the beast that stole me. [ shorter, crisper.]
A promising first draft of a story with great potential!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
170
170
Review of The Darkness  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked your strong descriptions of the night shadows and your main character is compelling. I'd have liked to know more about this person, there is a sense he/she might be more than just another ordinary person. I felt this story ws just the beginning for a much longer horror/ supernatural story, it certainly has potential, but the ending feels unfinished, with loose threads of the storyline left over. [ hence my lower rating] Presentation and style are good and the plot is certainly interesting. Let me know if you decide to expand this story, I'd love to read further.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
171
171
Review of In Dreams  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Catchy tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*I truly enjoyed the sense of unease that permeated ths story right up until the end, it kept me involved and eager to read further. Writing is very crisp, presentation is excellent, there is a very good rythm to this story that both entertains and enthralls its reader.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Plot is presented in a dramatic, original way, not given away by one word until the ending. *Thumbsup* Flow is smooth and events follow a logical sequence that has the reader right there in the room with Matt the entire time.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Both primary characters are strong, three dimensional persons that I found very easy to visualize and connect with. Matt's character is particularly memorable.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*I loved the way you wove the imagery into events. I had a great sense of mood, atmosphere and location without any long narrative or wasted words. For me, this made this story even more memorable and intense. The use of scents and sights of changing seasons and life experiences added depth and authenticity.
Emotions were powerfully portrayed through the actions of the characters, I liked how the reader feels them as the character feels them, a perfect example of showing rather than telling.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Opening paragraphs for thier wonderful setting of the stage.
Ending, for it's drama and surprise twist.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* Not one concrete word that I feel would improve this story.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A memorable read with wonderfully memorable characters. I really think this one is publishable.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
172
172
Review of Forgotten  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I really liked the plot and poignant situation of Marcella, it was quite easy to feel what she was feeling. You did a good job of adding background, mood. I was left with the questions as to why all her friends turned against her, could you add this point in by maybe having Marcella hear girl's whispering it? Why were her parents fighting, getting a divorce? Wouldn't they be happy thier daughter lived, trying to help her cope? She just seemed to come from a caring family. Why did she blame herself for the accident? For surviving makes sense, but she wasn't driving the car to be blamed for the accident. This is an attention grabbing story, I think it just needs a little polishing to truly shine.
Paragraph One; 'nobody wanted anything to do with her. [ crisper, better flow]
'it was a pain'- 'it was agony.'[ stronger, aids flow.]
Use to, Marcella's life - try; Once, Marcella's life..'
A great story and read that I enjoyed very much!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
173
173
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* I'd shrink tittle to simply 'Iced Latte'- better intique/ impact. Excellent descriptive line, it really caught my interest!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* Good job of setting up location, mood and background in this short piece. You accomplish much with very few words.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*Plot is well thought out and executed, the flow of the story remains very constant throughout, which helps hold reader interest. You also managed to add in a great little twist near the end, very good and surprising in such a short piece. You've left plenty to expand on in this piece.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*I really liked your POV Character, she's sharp, intelligent. We get a great look into her mood and personality.
Secondary male character is also shown to readers in-depth through his actions.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Imagery is good, you use specific details to set the location and circumstances of the story.
Strong emotions from your POV character add great depth.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* Closing paragraph for it's strong action and dramatic arc.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* I'm assuming this is a contest entry that required the underlined words to be used.
didn't hit him with a brick... funny, but a little unbelievable that she would in a public place anyways - just a thought if you decide to re-work this after the contest.
He must was good with women.
evidence as possible...
where I had seen her.
Blue indicates missing words in story that interrupt flow and storyline.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An interesting tale that I'd enjoy reading again if you decide to lengthen it.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
174
174
Review of The Detective  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I was really drawn to this poem by bothyour tittle and descriptive line. Excellent job of portraying the Detective's feelings of frustration and hopelessness. I could feel his sorrow for the victim. It was very easy to relate and empathise with the victim as well, I felt like I was there with them in the story. Presentation was great, easy to read and the poem flowed well in my opinion, I did think some verses could be combined towards the end to keep thoughts of each person more fluent, and yet on the third read through, it works just fine as is. I am no expert on the finer forms of poetry styles, so my feeling comes based on free-verse style. You have certainly portrayed very strong emotions in your characters and readers easily feel thier emotions right along with them. Setting and mood is also covered extrordinarly well in this memorable poem.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
175
175
Review of Ghost of Elmer  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Nice tittle, interesting descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* I was a bit confused by Mr. Toby's need to help the neighborhood sleep in the beginning. Seems more like he'd be on the phone to animal control more. *Smile* The ending gives a much better view and perspective to his personality. Definately an interesting story.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* I liked the basic plot to this piece, but felt it could be even better with a little fleshing out. Was Mr. Toby close to the woman and her dog? Flow is good, events flow well into each other, although I like the middle and end best.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*A little more insight into Mr. Toby would increase reader involvement, I think.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*Imagery works, but maybe add a bit more on Elmer? Solid, shadowy? You could pull more emotion out of the part where Mr. Toby thinks of the old woman and plays with Elmer. Sad? Resigned? Why does he do it? Does he have other neighbors he speaks to of it?

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*Elmer's appearance.
I'd delete the added sentence, His antagonist. [ we kind of figure that out]

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* put them all in areas above.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An enjoyable little story that leaves much to work with for expanding it.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
495 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dejavu/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7