*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dejavu/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
151
151
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the premise for this story and the dialogue flows very well, but I didn't feel like I really connected to either character too much. It would have been nice to have a hint of what Julia was planning to do after dropping off Camden, it might have provided better insight into her state of mind, she seemed quite shallow and 'put upon'by her family and associates. The story left me feeling like it was unfinished, one wonders what Camden could possibly have gotten at the stepmother's place, did he think it would help the relationship? How did Julia react? She seemed really determined to fulfill her plans and barely tolerant of Camden. I liked the appearance of the old man, an interesting encounter. Although I felt this would work better as a longer piece, for a dialogue only story, it did hold my interest very well. The writing was very crisp and well polished.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
152
152
Review of I See You  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I love the tittle of this piece, very apt! The storyline is almost mezmerizing as it pulls you into Kathy's world. She is a strong, well portrayed character, her nightmare is spooky and believable, yet she refuses to give it control over her life. This is a woman I can easily imagine sitting down with for coffee and a long heart to hearttalk, she is genuinely likeable. The story flowswell, events happen in an easy to follow manner that holds reader interest high, the twist at the end was particularly unexpected because of the mirrors view, [ window, shower stall] Very well done! I felt sorry for Kathy's fear at the end, but found it rather humourous as well. An excellent read I enjoyed very much!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
153
153
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Excellent tittle, description fits story, but doesn't draw readers to story as much as it could.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* I liked the feelings expressed in the story, but I think it might be better told in the present tense, first person, through Tommy's eyes. There feels like a small current of disgust/ predjudice in this piece that rather spoils it. Maybe it's just some of the wording.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Excellent plot idea, very fitting in these times. Flow is a little bumpy in places, some revision and polishing would easily fix it.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are quite believable, although I think multiple gang rapes plus an abusive husband is overkill. I doubt a four year old would remember anything but mommy being hurt. I also think Kathy would speak kindly to Tommy, not sarcastically, she seems a good, kind person. Why is being slow obvious signs of a crack baby? Couldn't it be from a rough birth delivery, like the cord was temporarily wrapped about Tommy's neck?

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Imagery is good, emotions, for the most part are well executed.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* When Linda stands up for Stephen.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
The whole class begins to laugh laughed.
Max was a horrible abusive alcholic who beat...
but thanks to good old Max...
Tommy goes left for home.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An interesting story with a happy ending.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
154
154
Review of Welfare  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Short, catchy tittle. It provides a really pleasant surprise for readers whom expect something rather different than initially expected! I liked the descriptive line, particularly after reading the story!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* Interesting comparisons in your story theme of being a slave on an unstoppable ship to Welfare as one reads the tittle.
I found the story interesting, full of surprises, yet it always seems to have that underlying theme of 'this is how it is.'

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*Plot works very well in sea-faring tale of a young sailor. I felt it both well planned and well executed. Flow is very good, sharp, crisp writing. Events take us from the POV's young life through middle age.
Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* POV Character is interesting, well defined. I saw him as a fit, hard, slightly bitter person who thinks deeply about life and still holds a sense of mystery, a desire to have questions answered. Internal dialogue is well done, providing setting, information on background, moving the story ahead without losing reader interest.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Excellent imagery of the ocean and ship, although I'd have liked to have a bit more imagery to relate to the Captain. Emotion is strong, lending an intense, dramatic flair to this piece.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The ending, for it's dramatic surprise twist.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I have seen so many fall. I struggle to sympathise. [ splitting into two sentences adds punch.]
Nothing else popped out at me, other than that mentioned above about the Captain.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An interesting read, very different from what the tittle leads one to expect!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
155
155
Review of Legend of Lucrece  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item" , and as a member of the Simply Positive Review Group. It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck! Remember to take all suggestions with a grain of salt and Keep Writing!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; Interesting plot, the storyline begins well. I liked the descriptions given for use of magic used by Lucrece, but descriptive line doesn't seem to quite fit this piece. It feels like a shortened version of a much longer story.

CONTENTS; Contents had some truly interesting and dramatic momments, but these seemed to be overshadowed by long narrative passages placed right in the middle of the action scenes. EXAMPLE; One momment, the wizard is setting the werewolf on fire, then drinking his blood, next he's chained at a completely different location in chains facing another enemy. How did he get there? What happened to the first werewolf? Story really lost me there as it made the rest rather confusing.

CHARACTER[s]; Lucrece is a most interesting character, yet I feel I really never got to know him well. What was the legend surrounding him? It seemed he had a cure, or was he seeking another one, for what purpose?
SilverFang was interesting, I think much more use could have been made of this character, more of a challenge to the wizard than presented.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Imagery of background items such as the wizard's study are great, but I'd have liked to see more details through the wizard's eyes on fights, journey, etc.

SUGGESTIONS:
More showing readers what's going on through main characters eyes, thoughts, emotions would really add depth and impact here.
I'd do a strong revision for long, run-on sentences and spelling typos throughout this piece.
And in this... In this...
he has chosen... he had chosen...
ever every day...
his beard. and Muscles
except accept

FINAL THOUGHTS: You have a wonderfully interesting first draft here! With some revising and polishing , this could be a truly exceptional story.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
156
156
Review of Last Gift  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Excellent tittle, very catchy descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*I felt like Iwas there in the room, feeling what she felt, feeling his joy and sorrow.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*A wonderfully poignant, yet romantic plot that is executed with precision. Flow is smooth and in perfect sync throughout this short story.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Both main characters are three dimensional, realistic, one feels thier love. The baby is also very strongly portrayed.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Strong imagery, the emotions of love, joy, sadness glue readers to the screen.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Paragraph two, the ending line. Written with true feeling and understanding.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
... with the softest of kisses, touches, he kissed her. [ changing one in red eliminates two such similar words so close together.]
whispered her name. He called to her.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* Poignant, dramatic, this one will leave you crying, but you'll be glad you read it!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
157
157
Review of The System  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You have a very good plot concept here, but I think it would be more emotionally engaging if it were fleshed out a little. Imagery is good when it comes to Miriam, but can you add in scents? of the cabin, men, Miriam, etc. A sense of time would be good, how long has this gone on, were there other women before her, does your main character remember them? What happened to all the women? Ending fits the piece, but I felt this was just the warm-up to a longer story, I wanted to know more about these men, is it the remains of a dying civilization, village? Time period? You have the makings of a truly engaging story here!
I have one suggestion ; Line One, delete 'so'and make it two sentences in your opening. [ more impact]
A good read that got my curiosity really going!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
158
158
Review of The Novelist  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I loved the tittle of this poem and just had to read it! Great hook. My favorite verses are three and five, but it was difficult to limit that to two. Nice rythm, and I enjoyed the storyline of this piece, it's so easy to connect and visualize this narrator. [ Sounds like what I go through each day. *Bigsmile* Just a couple of suggestions I noted as I read this aloud; flow sounds smoother if you change periods to commas in lines one through three in each verse or by changing lines one and three to commas. I'd also add the following commas to this poem to maintain the presentation of the rest of the poem;
Verse Two, Line Four; comma after ' down'
Verse Two, Line Four: comma after 'villain'
I really enjoyed the twists of humour throughout this piece, subject matter was excellent and so well thought out, a really fabulous read!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
159
159
Review of A Jealous Muse  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Good tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* A very creepy thought for a writer, yet, it touched me quite deeply because one's Muse does seem to be a living thing. Very Stephen King in presentation!

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Entertaining plot that held me interested throughout. Flow is good, rather hypnotic in presentation.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Both Miranda and her Muse are well developed and easy to connect with. Miranda could be any writer out there trying to work up a new story. Her Muse works perfectly as the antagonist for a serious writer.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*Imagery is very visual and never interferes with the direction or moving forward of the story. Emotions are sharp, well defined.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* Opening paragraphs because they make you care about Miranda and set the stage well.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I did feel adding a little more fear and reaction on Miranda's part at the slamming door would add believability, maybe an open window and breeze as a red herring there?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An excellent, spooky read guaranteed to make one want to 'nourish'thier Muse's feelings well.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
160
160
Review of The Smell Of Fear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)

Good tittle and interesting story line, you have some very good descriptions and a promising, interesting plot. I did feel a strong revision/ polishing and perhaps lengthening of this story would really make it stand out. You need to do some editing to create stronger, less run-on sentences, repeated phrases/descriptions that are too close together. The ending reads very abruptly, like there is much more story to tell.
EXAMPLES:
kept on faucet - try leaky, burst, etc.
A room with four walls and dark. TRY; A cramped, dark room. Too dark.
I never saw the beast that stole me. [ shorter, crisper.]
A promising first draft of a story with great potential!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
161
161
Review of The Darkness  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked your strong descriptions of the night shadows and your main character is compelling. I'd have liked to know more about this person, there is a sense he/she might be more than just another ordinary person. I felt this story ws just the beginning for a much longer horror/ supernatural story, it certainly has potential, but the ending feels unfinished, with loose threads of the storyline left over. [ hence my lower rating] Presentation and style are good and the plot is certainly interesting. Let me know if you decide to expand this story, I'd love to read further.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
162
162
Review of In Dreams  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Catchy tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*I truly enjoyed the sense of unease that permeated ths story right up until the end, it kept me involved and eager to read further. Writing is very crisp, presentation is excellent, there is a very good rythm to this story that both entertains and enthralls its reader.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Plot is presented in a dramatic, original way, not given away by one word until the ending. *Thumbsup* Flow is smooth and events follow a logical sequence that has the reader right there in the room with Matt the entire time.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Both primary characters are strong, three dimensional persons that I found very easy to visualize and connect with. Matt's character is particularly memorable.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*I loved the way you wove the imagery into events. I had a great sense of mood, atmosphere and location without any long narrative or wasted words. For me, this made this story even more memorable and intense. The use of scents and sights of changing seasons and life experiences added depth and authenticity.
Emotions were powerfully portrayed through the actions of the characters, I liked how the reader feels them as the character feels them, a perfect example of showing rather than telling.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Opening paragraphs for thier wonderful setting of the stage.
Ending, for it's drama and surprise twist.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* Not one concrete word that I feel would improve this story.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A memorable read with wonderfully memorable characters. I really think this one is publishable.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
163
163
Review of Forgotten  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I really liked the plot and poignant situation of Marcella, it was quite easy to feel what she was feeling. You did a good job of adding background, mood. I was left with the questions as to why all her friends turned against her, could you add this point in by maybe having Marcella hear girl's whispering it? Why were her parents fighting, getting a divorce? Wouldn't they be happy thier daughter lived, trying to help her cope? She just seemed to come from a caring family. Why did she blame herself for the accident? For surviving makes sense, but she wasn't driving the car to be blamed for the accident. This is an attention grabbing story, I think it just needs a little polishing to truly shine.
Paragraph One; 'nobody wanted anything to do with her. [ crisper, better flow]
'it was a pain'- 'it was agony.'[ stronger, aids flow.]
Use to, Marcella's life - try; Once, Marcella's life..'
A great story and read that I enjoyed very much!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
164
164
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* I'd shrink tittle to simply 'Iced Latte'- better intique/ impact. Excellent descriptive line, it really caught my interest!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* Good job of setting up location, mood and background in this short piece. You accomplish much with very few words.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*Plot is well thought out and executed, the flow of the story remains very constant throughout, which helps hold reader interest. You also managed to add in a great little twist near the end, very good and surprising in such a short piece. You've left plenty to expand on in this piece.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*I really liked your POV Character, she's sharp, intelligent. We get a great look into her mood and personality.
Secondary male character is also shown to readers in-depth through his actions.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Imagery is good, you use specific details to set the location and circumstances of the story.
Strong emotions from your POV character add great depth.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* Closing paragraph for it's strong action and dramatic arc.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* I'm assuming this is a contest entry that required the underlined words to be used.
didn't hit him with a brick... funny, but a little unbelievable that she would in a public place anyways - just a thought if you decide to re-work this after the contest.
He must was good with women.
evidence as possible...
where I had seen her.
Blue indicates missing words in story that interrupt flow and storyline.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An interesting tale that I'd enjoy reading again if you decide to lengthen it.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
165
165
Review of The Detective  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

I was really drawn to this poem by bothyour tittle and descriptive line. Excellent job of portraying the Detective's feelings of frustration and hopelessness. I could feel his sorrow for the victim. It was very easy to relate and empathise with the victim as well, I felt like I was there with them in the story. Presentation was great, easy to read and the poem flowed well in my opinion, I did think some verses could be combined towards the end to keep thoughts of each person more fluent, and yet on the third read through, it works just fine as is. I am no expert on the finer forms of poetry styles, so my feeling comes based on free-verse style. You have certainly portrayed very strong emotions in your characters and readers easily feel thier emotions right along with them. Setting and mood is also covered extrordinarly well in this memorable poem.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
166
166
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Nice tittle, great description for this story!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* Well plotted and believable story that held my attention very well. Loved the twist at the end. Opening lines hook your reader well.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Interesting and inspirational plot. Good flow to the story, I loved all the sense of movement in the beginning, sweeping, scattering leaves, etc.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Ashley's character is well developed and three-dimensional, very easy to picture her. The older woman was well presented as well. Dialogue flowed well, although I did wonder why Ashley spoke so readily and openly to a stranger.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Great imagery, it lets readers slip right into the scenes and mood. I felt Ashley's anger and frustration right along with her.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* The opening paragraph.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I'd go through this piece for long, run on sentences, I noted a few in the opening paragraphs where commas would help the pacing...
... furiously at the pavement, as Ashley...
As Ashlet let out all the anger.. [ missing word]
Your ending line is good, but I'd have the old woman simply step behind a tree and vanish... more believability, less T.V. dramatic.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*Overall, a truly entertaining and enjoyable read!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
167
167
Review of Fear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the vivid images in this poem, they really get the imagination going! Great tittle and descriptive line that fit the piece well.
Verses one and two have excellent rythm and structure, but I felt in Verse Three, line three read a little forced at the end, not sure how to fix it, maybe, might just be my interreptation that's off. Verse Four, Web reads better as Webs, try changing one 'will'in lines one/ two to 'may'or similar, avoids repeating same word so close together.
Comma needed after 'groups' I'd delete the very last line or make it into an Author's Note for humour.
Overall, an interesting and creepy little read! *Thumbsup*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
168
168
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Tittle doesn't really fit story, what abandoned house? Good descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target* Interesting plot and storyline, good opening scene. I did feel this story read as though large parts were missing, hinted at, but missing. Lengthening the piece and adding in more details and background would really make this story sparkle.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Anerie is an interesting character, but I didn't feel I really got to know her, what was she running from?
Why is she alone? Luke seemed a good person, if a bit too trusting inviting in an untalkative stranger so quickly.
Dialogue is believable, but again, it feels like large parts are left out of the story, wouldn't Luke expect some answers to his earlier questions?

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery is good for settings and locations, but I'd like to know the characters much better.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The teleporting scene.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
You need to give this a thourough edit for missing words and inconsistencies, EXAMPLES:
I come to a barb wire fence. [ barb wire is in strands, why would she climb? roll under or duck through, maybe.]
fence door - gate[ why didn't the girl use the gate that's so accessible to the police car?]
I in the distance..
most bluest eyes...

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* You have the first draft of a truly entertaining story here, I'd love to read it again if you decide to revise and polish it!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
169
169
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Excellent tittle, interesting descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target* I enjoyed the smooth flow of this story and all the little twists in the storyline that allow readers to feel they are inside the story, listening to the characters interact. I also liked the little twists of humour sprinkled throughout this piece.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are well defined and very believable I liked both of them very much, particularly little Christopher!
Dialogue is sharp, flows well and moves the story forward perfectly.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery is well done, it was very easy to see setting and characters to connect with them. Emotions are well shown, particularly the mom's surprise and little boy's exhuberance.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The last line, a perfect ending that captures Christopher perfectly in one's thoughts.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
None that would constructively improve this piece.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A fun and humourous read that I enjoyed very much!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
170
170
Review of Stay A While  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Great tittle and descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target*I liked the use of dialogue to tell the story, it flowed very well, setting mood, background very well.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are relatively easy to see and I found it quite easy to step into the scenes. Dialogue flows very well.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Excellent imagery for such a short piece, pleasingly creepy! Emotions of tension are well done.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
When the Husband gets the hint it's time to leave.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I felt this story would have much more emotional impact with just a bit stronger hint of 'why two visitors were enough'and what happened to them. [ I'm assuming you're working with a word limit, so maybe that's why so much is left to imagination?]
... he took down the sign... [ getting carefree here- who exactly is he? Let readers see who does it]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*An enjoyably chilling little read that I enjoyed very much!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
171
171
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; Incredible description of the specters! I know what I'll be dreaming tonight! Pacing is fast, dramatic arc is perfectly executed. I was pulled into this story from the opening line and couldn't stop reading.
CONTENTS; A wonderfully harrowing tale of courage, betrayal and a hunt gone wrong. I really enjoyed the polished crisp scenes that just flowed right into each other, letting the reader become a part of the story.

CHARACTER[s]; Reyph is an awesome character, fully three dimensionional and believable, he is in perfect alignment with the location and era of the story.His brother is also believable and thier dialogue flows easily.

IMAGERY & EMOTION:Imagery is well honed and adds mood, tension, hope and finally, sadness to the characters. Emotions are strong and glue readers to thier chairs. Setting fits the story perfectly, adding subtle nuances that just add to the chills.

SUGGESTIONS: Nothing that could constructively aid this piece, it's haunting and memorable as is. Grammer, punctuation are all good.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I am hard put to choose one favorite area, everything meshes so well to create a perfect whole. Denyl's courage, the specters believable weakness, the sad, but satisifying ending. Very nice addition of mythology there with the 'wild hunt'by the way.
This one is a must read for anyone who loves Fantasy or just reading about hunting and heros!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
172
172
Review of Desperate Resolve  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Great tittle, good description that caught my interest.

CONTENTS;*Target*The story of a couple finding each other again. I really liked the plot and storyline to this short piece. I actually was so lost in the story, I didn't want it to end, kind of surprised me I'd finished reading it! *Thumbsup* Excellent opening and closing, strong middle. Writing is polished, crisp and engaging.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Josie and Mitch are both very well portrayed and likeable. Dialogue is smooth, believable and adds depth and detail without being overly wordy.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery is well done, very easy to become part of this story. I loved how you showed the emotion rather than telling it. VERY powerful images!

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*Josie's stances and Mitch's intimate knowledge of what they signaled.[ smart husband!]

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*None that could improve this significantly, it's very well crafted.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A great read, I'd love to see this one expanded to see how the couple survive.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
173
173
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Great tittle and description.

CONTENTS;*Target* A desperate, depressed man crosses over to insanity and fights to find a way back. I really liked the plot of this story, it kept me interested throughout, although I felt the ending would be stronger if readers were let in on the ultimate outcome. The last paragraph is great, the memory fits very well, perhaps just add another paragraph or two at the end?

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*The POV character is very compelling and well described. I found myself really relating to him and his life. His internal dialogue moves the story forward well.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR*Imagery is powerful, but I think it's the man's intense emotions that really make this story work. We know the character intimately, so we can empathize with his motives.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Where the man wonders if anyone will remember he has kids and does volunteer work.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
it carelessly trembles... [ guns don't tremble, stronger sentence without this word here]
PARAGRAPH TWO; I'd revise the line about 'Survivor', it's doubtful anyone would be thinking about that in this situation.
Show us he's insane, don't tell us... maybe a giggle, grin, etc.?
I'd give this a strong revision for punctuation, I noted many places where very long sentences could use commas or be made into two that would quicken pace, add tension in readers.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A great story that certainly fits the times!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
174
174
Review of The Bridge  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Great tittle. Descriptive line fits.

CONTENTS;*Target*Two young boys go exploring.I like the quick pace of this short piece as well as the urban legend aspect in the beginning. Writing is crisp, plot is well crafted and executed.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* I thought both boys were well portrayed for such a short piece, dialogue is believable, adds tension and moves the story forward very well.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR*Imagery is very well done, particularly in the opening scenes, which allows the reader to slip right into the story and visualize the characters very well.I got a great connection to Joey right off.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* The beginning, because it sets the mood for the story very well. The ending for it's great twist!

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* None that would really aid this piece, punctuation, grammer, flow and dramatic arc were all well crafted.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A great read about the new kid in town and choosing friendships wisely.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
175
175
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; A great story that is well plotted and crafted and follows the prompt well.
Your opening line had me fully engaged within the story from start to finish.

CONTENTS; An immortal warrior tries to escape the Mistress he does not understand. I found it very easy to step into this story and see it through the main character's viewpoint and eyes. Writing is fast-paced and gives great detail in few words, no long narratives to break up the flow of the story.
I liked how you set the location, fast, detailed and very visual. Mood was easily discernable through character actions.

CHARACTER[s];Filor is a complex character, very hard to understand and like until the middle and end as his motives and dreams become clear. I felt such sadness when his Mistress again caught up with him.
The Mistress is well created to be the perfect antagonist for Filor. The young boy helped show Filor's inner feelings and honor code very well.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Imagery is vivid and realistic. Emotions are strong, drawn out to keep reader interest and drama high throughout.
Dialogue is smooth, believable and moves the story forward well.

SUGGESTIONS: None, grammer, punctuation and spelling were well done, presentation and execution are excellent as they stand.

FINAL THOUGHTS: A wonderful plot line with much to build on for a much longer piece, perhaps a series of longer pieces. I'd love to read more of this warrior!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
471 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 19 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dejavu/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7