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1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
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Review of Ghost of Elmer  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as feedback from one writer to another.Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Nice tittle, interesting descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* I was a bit confused by Mr. Toby's need to help the neighborhood sleep in the beginning. Seems more like he'd be on the phone to animal control more. *Smile* The ending gives a much better view and perspective to his personality. Definately an interesting story.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* I liked the basic plot to this piece, but felt it could be even better with a little fleshing out. Was Mr. Toby close to the woman and her dog? Flow is good, events flow well into each other, although I like the middle and end best.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*A little more insight into Mr. Toby would increase reader involvement, I think.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*Imagery works, but maybe add a bit more on Elmer? Solid, shadowy? You could pull more emotion out of the part where Mr. Toby thinks of the old woman and plays with Elmer. Sad? Resigned? Why does he do it? Does he have other neighbors he speaks to of it?

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*Elmer's appearance.
I'd delete the added sentence, His antagonist. [ we kind of figure that out]

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* put them all in areas above.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* An enjoyable little story that leaves much to work with for expanding it.


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177
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Nice tittle, great description for this story!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees* Well plotted and believable story that held my attention very well. Loved the twist at the end. Opening lines hook your reader well.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target* Interesting and inspirational plot. Good flow to the story, I loved all the sense of movement in the beginning, sweeping, scattering leaves, etc.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Ashley's character is well developed and three-dimensional, very easy to picture her. The older woman was well presented as well. Dialogue flowed well, although I did wonder why Ashley spoke so readily and openly to a stranger.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR* Great imagery, it lets readers slip right into the scenes and mood. I felt Ashley's anger and frustration right along with her.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* The opening paragraph.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I'd go through this piece for long, run on sentences, I noted a few in the opening paragraphs where commas would help the pacing...
... furiously at the pavement, as Ashley...
As Ashlet let out all the anger.. [ missing word]
Your ending line is good, but I'd have the old woman simply step behind a tree and vanish... more believability, less T.V. dramatic.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*Overall, a truly entertaining and enjoyable read!


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178
Review of Fear  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the vivid images in this poem, they really get the imagination going! Great tittle and descriptive line that fit the piece well.
Verses one and two have excellent rythm and structure, but I felt in Verse Three, line three read a little forced at the end, not sure how to fix it, maybe, might just be my interreptation that's off. Verse Four, Web reads better as Webs, try changing one 'will'in lines one/ two to 'may'or similar, avoids repeating same word so close together.
Comma needed after 'groups' I'd delete the very last line or make it into an Author's Note for humour.
Overall, an interesting and creepy little read! *Thumbsup*

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179
179
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Tittle doesn't really fit story, what abandoned house? Good descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target* Interesting plot and storyline, good opening scene. I did feel this story read as though large parts were missing, hinted at, but missing. Lengthening the piece and adding in more details and background would really make this story sparkle.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Anerie is an interesting character, but I didn't feel I really got to know her, what was she running from?
Why is she alone? Luke seemed a good person, if a bit too trusting inviting in an untalkative stranger so quickly.
Dialogue is believable, but again, it feels like large parts are left out of the story, wouldn't Luke expect some answers to his earlier questions?

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery is good for settings and locations, but I'd like to know the characters much better.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The teleporting scene.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
You need to give this a thourough edit for missing words and inconsistencies, EXAMPLES:
I come to a barb wire fence. [ barb wire is in strands, why would she climb? roll under or duck through, maybe.]
fence door - gate[ why didn't the girl use the gate that's so accessible to the police car?]
I in the distance..
most bluest eyes...

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* You have the first draft of a truly entertaining story here, I'd love to read it again if you decide to revise and polish it!


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180
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Excellent tittle, interesting descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target* I enjoyed the smooth flow of this story and all the little twists in the storyline that allow readers to feel they are inside the story, listening to the characters interact. I also liked the little twists of humour sprinkled throughout this piece.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are well defined and very believable I liked both of them very much, particularly little Christopher!
Dialogue is sharp, flows well and moves the story forward perfectly.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery is well done, it was very easy to see setting and characters to connect with them. Emotions are well shown, particularly the mom's surprise and little boy's exhuberance.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The last line, a perfect ending that captures Christopher perfectly in one's thoughts.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
None that would constructively improve this piece.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A fun and humourous read that I enjoyed very much!


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181
Review of Stay A While  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Great tittle and descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target*I liked the use of dialogue to tell the story, it flowed very well, setting mood, background very well.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are relatively easy to see and I found it quite easy to step into the scenes. Dialogue flows very well.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Excellent imagery for such a short piece, pleasingly creepy! Emotions of tension are well done.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
When the Husband gets the hint it's time to leave.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I felt this story would have much more emotional impact with just a bit stronger hint of 'why two visitors were enough'and what happened to them. [ I'm assuming you're working with a word limit, so maybe that's why so much is left to imagination?]
... he took down the sign... [ getting carefree here- who exactly is he? Let readers see who does it]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*An enjoyably chilling little read that I enjoyed very much!


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182
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; Incredible description of the specters! I know what I'll be dreaming tonight! Pacing is fast, dramatic arc is perfectly executed. I was pulled into this story from the opening line and couldn't stop reading.
CONTENTS; A wonderfully harrowing tale of courage, betrayal and a hunt gone wrong. I really enjoyed the polished crisp scenes that just flowed right into each other, letting the reader become a part of the story.

CHARACTER[s]; Reyph is an awesome character, fully three dimensionional and believable, he is in perfect alignment with the location and era of the story.His brother is also believable and thier dialogue flows easily.

IMAGERY & EMOTION:Imagery is well honed and adds mood, tension, hope and finally, sadness to the characters. Emotions are strong and glue readers to thier chairs. Setting fits the story perfectly, adding subtle nuances that just add to the chills.

SUGGESTIONS: Nothing that could constructively aid this piece, it's haunting and memorable as is. Grammer, punctuation are all good.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I am hard put to choose one favorite area, everything meshes so well to create a perfect whole. Denyl's courage, the specters believable weakness, the sad, but satisifying ending. Very nice addition of mythology there with the 'wild hunt'by the way.
This one is a must read for anyone who loves Fantasy or just reading about hunting and heros!

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183
Review of Desperate Resolve  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Great tittle, good description that caught my interest.

CONTENTS;*Target*The story of a couple finding each other again. I really liked the plot and storyline to this short piece. I actually was so lost in the story, I didn't want it to end, kind of surprised me I'd finished reading it! *Thumbsup* Excellent opening and closing, strong middle. Writing is polished, crisp and engaging.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Josie and Mitch are both very well portrayed and likeable. Dialogue is smooth, believable and adds depth and detail without being overly wordy.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery is well done, very easy to become part of this story. I loved how you showed the emotion rather than telling it. VERY powerful images!

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*Josie's stances and Mitch's intimate knowledge of what they signaled.[ smart husband!]

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*None that could improve this significantly, it's very well crafted.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A great read, I'd love to see this one expanded to see how the couple survive.


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184
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Great tittle and description.

CONTENTS;*Target* A desperate, depressed man crosses over to insanity and fights to find a way back. I really liked the plot of this story, it kept me interested throughout, although I felt the ending would be stronger if readers were let in on the ultimate outcome. The last paragraph is great, the memory fits very well, perhaps just add another paragraph or two at the end?

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*The POV character is very compelling and well described. I found myself really relating to him and his life. His internal dialogue moves the story forward well.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR*Imagery is powerful, but I think it's the man's intense emotions that really make this story work. We know the character intimately, so we can empathize with his motives.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Where the man wonders if anyone will remember he has kids and does volunteer work.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
it carelessly trembles... [ guns don't tremble, stronger sentence without this word here]
PARAGRAPH TWO; I'd revise the line about 'Survivor', it's doubtful anyone would be thinking about that in this situation.
Show us he's insane, don't tell us... maybe a giggle, grin, etc.?
I'd give this a strong revision for punctuation, I noted many places where very long sentences could use commas or be made into two that would quicken pace, add tension in readers.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A great story that certainly fits the times!


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185
Review of The Bridge  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Great tittle. Descriptive line fits.

CONTENTS;*Target*Two young boys go exploring.I like the quick pace of this short piece as well as the urban legend aspect in the beginning. Writing is crisp, plot is well crafted and executed.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* I thought both boys were well portrayed for such a short piece, dialogue is believable, adds tension and moves the story forward very well.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR*Imagery is very well done, particularly in the opening scenes, which allows the reader to slip right into the story and visualize the characters very well.I got a great connection to Joey right off.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* The beginning, because it sets the mood for the story very well. The ending for it's great twist!

SUGGESTIONS;*Question* None that would really aid this piece, punctuation, grammer, flow and dramatic arc were all well crafted.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A great read about the new kid in town and choosing friendships wisely.


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186
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; A great story that is well plotted and crafted and follows the prompt well.
Your opening line had me fully engaged within the story from start to finish.

CONTENTS; An immortal warrior tries to escape the Mistress he does not understand. I found it very easy to step into this story and see it through the main character's viewpoint and eyes. Writing is fast-paced and gives great detail in few words, no long narratives to break up the flow of the story.
I liked how you set the location, fast, detailed and very visual. Mood was easily discernable through character actions.

CHARACTER[s];Filor is a complex character, very hard to understand and like until the middle and end as his motives and dreams become clear. I felt such sadness when his Mistress again caught up with him.
The Mistress is well created to be the perfect antagonist for Filor. The young boy helped show Filor's inner feelings and honor code very well.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Imagery is vivid and realistic. Emotions are strong, drawn out to keep reader interest and drama high throughout.
Dialogue is smooth, believable and moves the story forward well.

SUGGESTIONS: None, grammer, punctuation and spelling were well done, presentation and execution are excellent as they stand.

FINAL THOUGHTS: A wonderful plot line with much to build on for a much longer piece, perhaps a series of longer pieces. I'd love to read more of this warrior!

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187
Review of Wide Load  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Great plot and saddenly, a true one for many women, no matter thier weight. I think the ending would pack more punch if you gave her weight early on, before exercising, and a hint of her looks, ie; bone structure, similar and what friends/ her doctor? felt her right weight would be. The story has an important moral theme. I found it easy to relate to her, although from an alternate perspective of someone who's been that 98 lbs from illness. I was horrified for her at the ending, she is such a nice person, I was terrifyed she'd end up dead, not partying! You did an excellent job portraying this character, particularly the areas of her high school years and the crazy diet. The story held my interest very well, I felt the pacing and sharp, internal dialogue really made this story realistic. An excellent read.
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188
Review of the witch  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Invalid Item"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; A stronly written, interesting story, but I cannot see where it fits the 'shapeshifter prompt', robots are built, they don't shapeshift. [ My rating is mainly based on how you followed the prompt, for the writing alone, it would be much higher.

CONTENTS; Original, well crafted and held my interest very well. Action is fast paced and dialogue is believable.

CHARACTER[s]; Rob, Shy and Var's characters are all strong and believable. I particularly liked Var.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Good imagery and strong emotions of fear and determination make the story memorable.

SUGGESTIONS:
Capitilize each word in tittle for maximum impact.
moved towards to the door
like I a vice..
Shy looked over.. [ need to capitilize Shy as dialogue ends in a period.]

FINAL THOUGHTS: A well written piece that I truly wish had followed the prompt given.

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189
189
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Sharp tittle, interesting description.

CONTENTS;*Target*A drunk mistakes another patron for someone he knows. I enjoyed the chilling plot and storyline to this short story. A very strong, dramatic arc and fast pace hold reader interest well. Great twist towards the ending.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Characters are well thought-out and engaging. Dialogue is sharp, believable and moves the story forward with perfect rythm. We get lots of background info, glimpses into each character without long, boring narrative.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Both imagery and emotions are sharp and well crafted in this piece.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR* The closing paragraph, it made the hair stand up on my neck.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I'd capitilize all the words in the tittle to better draw the readers eye.
know you, and I can assure you...
114 thousand dollars... [ write out entire number, fourteen thousand dollars ]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*A crisply written, pleasantly creepy little story that is well worth the read !


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190
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A powerful and thought-provoking poem on humanity and thier failures as keepers of the Earth. There is a strong, powerful rythm to this poem that pulls readers into it's flow and keeps them entranced to the closing line. A very nice, easy to read presentation that helps get the poem's message across very clearly. I liked the powerful emotion of outrage and despair this piece inspires. It is also a message that it is way past time to start ' turning our actions around.' Favorite Verses; Two, Four, Five - for thier emotional and visual impact.

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191
Review of Clocks  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Both aroused my interest and curiosity, I just had to read this one!

CONTENTS;*Target*A wonderfully dark and reader entrancing piece about time with an incredibly well- plotted twist ending. You have taken a simple, everyday object and imbued it with a far-reaching purpose that would not occur to the average person. I couldn't stop reading.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*Characters, including the beast are easy to see and connect with. VERY three-dimensional in nature. The running, internal dialogue of the narrator holds interest well and builds drama with every scene.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Imagery sets the mood, atmosphere and engages the reader deeply in the story. Emotions are powerful, filled with both desolation and hope.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The poem the beast found. Incredibly memorable!

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
LINE THREE- You have a conflict here between seeing and hearing - change either 'glow' to a sound, or 'ears' to eyes'.
...spice does the mouth. is exceptionally powerful, I'd keep that description for sure!
As They danced...
leaving faster that [ than] the springs...
more [ was not] important.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A wonderfully engaging and well plotted story that will be a true gem with just a little editing and polishing. A great and very deep read !


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Review of 18 Minutes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire* Awesome tittle, good descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target*I found it very easy to connect with the main character, particularly in the beginning, because we shared some similar experiences and feelings. You have expressed his sense of loss and depression very well. I kept hoping he would find some way out of his fate.
Writing is crisp, well polished. Storyline is believable and well plotted.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*I could feel the emotional pain and determination in this character. His internal dialogue is clear and very believable, he has a strong, compelling voice.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR*Very powerful and well portrayed imagery sets scenes strongly into the readers mind. I felt I was standing there, hearing and watching this character as he went through his final day.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
Opening scene and closing scene for the sharp, lasting impression they leave on the reader.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
None I feel would add concrete improvement to this piece, it is strong and powerful as it is.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A heart-wrenching story that I hope others read and ponder over how they react and relate to those they know who are very ill. You have captured those feelings inflicted by others perfectly.


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193
Review of I love redheads  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Catchy tittle, but I'd capitilize each word for impact. Great descriptive line.

CONTENTS;*Target* A very strong dramatic arc for such a short story. You did a wonderful job pulling the reader in and maintaining interest. The opening line is a well crafted hook, great work! The plot is good and the storyline lets readers in on what's happening, yet one finds themselves hoping they're wrong. Imagery is well done and the story is believable. You have a nice polished style and kept accurate in the character's POV.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*The main character is spooky and three dimensional, I liked knowing his thoughts as he saw the woman and made contact with her. His emotions of surprise and delight add depth to his personality.
The woman is well crafted and also very believable, although one would think she'd be a bit more cautious.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* Great descriptions of snerery set place, time of day and mood. I could feel the emotions of lust, hope and curiosity in this piece very well. Imagery at the end is particularly easy to envision.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*
The opening, the scene in the bistro, and the ending.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
I would delete the bracketed words and just use commas there - less distracting and keeps the flow very smooth. Same suggestion on changing dashes between words into commas, or make them two sentences.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* A nicely creepy dark tale that sent chills down my spine.


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Review of The Messenger  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group.Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*Great tittle and descriptive line!

CONTENTS;*Target*Plot and storyline are fresh and ingenious, but I would suggest breaking up some paragraphs and revising some sentences into shorter, punchier versions to maintain reader interest, improve flow and heighten tension.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR* Both the Entity and the Doctor are well thought out, but one doesn't really connect with the entity or it's creators. Maybe add some dialogue between the creators as they send it off ? Or an internal conversation of the entity to describe this planet rather than the continous long narrative ? Dialogue there is sounds believable.

IMAGERY; EMOTION;*BurstR* In some areas the imagery is striking, in others I felt like running for a Dictionary every second sentence, maybe try a few less technichal, dry descriptions? Particularly paragraphs one to three.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*Description of the information the entity tried to pass to Doctor.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*
FIRST PARAGRAPH; Delete both the bracketed words about entity and the sentence ' save the neuter ... sentence. [ Both are distracting and superfluous to story.] Try revising; EXAMPLE;
...to describe such a being. In fact... [ continue on from here]
extra-cosmic creators...
comma needed between ' space ' ' at speeds'
most-likely exceeding... [ it either was exceeding them or not]
It hurtled through the planet's atmosphere. [ delete its here- repititious]
if a true brain was present. [ entity is programmed, how can it make comparisons like this ?}
highly developed nervous systems. [ delete bracketed words, superfluos, distracting]
As the Knowledge flowed...
and even the unknown... [ character cannot know this]
ever never meant
extra-universal [ don't need extra]
writing writhing in agony...
were was in error...

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim* Overall, a great little sci-fi story that has much appeal and potential with some tough editing and polishing. Definately worth revising !


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195
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A touching, yet sad story of a slave girl's dance for her Master. Your tittle and descriptive line fit this piece very well and arouse interest in readers as they come across it. The tittle compelled me to read the story. Your main character is very easy to visualize and one gets caught up in her emotions and desires as she dances. Very well thought out and portrayed. You kept tense and POV exceptionally well in this short story. Sentences are crisp, fast paced and well polished. I have no suggestions for improvement, this story holds reader interest very well !

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Review of Because...  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A haunting poem that reads more like song lyrics, very touching and the ending is strong enough to bring tears to my eyes. Good, strong rythm throughout, but I would suggest adding commas between the words ' you ' ' I' on lines five, six, thirteen and fourteen to maintain your rythm. I have no further suggestions for improvement as I think this piece is very strong and well - executed as it is.

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197
197
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A touching and memorable poem about falling in love and wedding days. Strong powerful feelings and imagery place the reader directly into the poem's story and lets them experience the momments described. I loved the soft, flowing rythm of this piece as well as the deep emotions of joy, tenderness and faith sprinkled throughout the piece. My only suggestions come in the form of some additional punctuation, which I felt would help readers pause and savour fully each event.
VERSE ONE; Commas after; romance's, heart.
VERSE TWO; Commas after; me, be, sizzle, soar.
VERSE THREE; commas after; melts, love, faster, know.
VERSE FOUR; commas after; wildly, way.
VERSE FIVE; commas after; Never, key.
Overall,a beautifully written poem I enjoyed very much.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A humourous look at love and marriage centered around hot water, or the lack of, as the case may be ! I liked this story as much for it's honesty as well as it's humourous aspects. The flow and voice of this piece combine to pull the reader into the story and let them view each scene as if they were a part of this great family. I learned much from this short piece, to use more tolerance towards others, to put my significant other's idiosyncracies second to thier overall nature and actions. Emotions bubble throughout this piece, but the over-riding one is acceceptance. The story is well polished as to grammer, punctuation and presentation. I have no valid suggestions that could hope to improve this piece. This is one of those pieces written to be read over and over again. *Thumbsup*


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Review of Blazing Saddles  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; Interesting and very unique storyline that held my interest from beginning to end ! I was alternately shivering in dread and disgust or laughing uproariously.

CONTENTS; A tightly written, very polished tale of a rather unlikeable young woman told from the viewpoint of her saddle. I liked the unexpected twist at the end of this story and felt it made it very memorable for readers. I also liked the blend of conflict with subtle undertones of dry humour. Very nicely done ! April's true nature should appeal to many who enjoy the darker stories, you have a great beginning for a longer piece here as well.

CHARACTER; Both were so easy to relate to and April's personality and background shines through clearly from the saddles's point of view. I felt great compassion for the saddle and found April so easy to visualize, It was like she'd walked off the screen into my living room.

IMAGERY & EMOTION: Wonderful imagery of the family roots, lifestyle, both before and after the Lottery. Background details allowed me to step right into this story and see thier world through my eyes. Emotions were handled with a few well placed words that let readers peek into the inner minds of the characters.

SUGGESTIONS:
'worse parents of the year reads more smoothly as worst.

FINAL THOUGHTS: A well planned and well told story that left me wanting to read much more about April's transformation !

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Review of Dochia's Saddle  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  It is a pleasure to read and review your work, please remember any thoughts or suggestions written or implied in this review are based only on one reader's opinion. Thank you for entering and Good Luck!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS; An wonderful tale of a daughter pretending to be a son in medieval times. I didn't get a real sense of location in this story as to Country it was set in, but the time period remained consistent throughout. Well done !

CONTENTS; A touching tale of betrayal and heartbreak told through the eyes of the main character's saddle, which had a pretty interesting personality of it's own ! There is a very well developed story arc here that would definately support a longer piece. A girl takes over as a pretend son to her Father's inheritance and becomes a great warrior on her own merit. She loves and loses and vows revenge at her beloved's death. Writing and voice are strong and POV remains consistent throughout.

CHARACTER; I found it easy to visualize Stan, but difficult to really connect to 'her 'emotional state. I was rather confused about whether her lover was indeed a lost brother? This rather threw me out of the story.

IMAGERY & EMOTION:Imagery is very well done. Consistent with the story's time period. Emotions of fear and greed are strong in some parts but weak in the overall piece, more detailed emotion through showing Stan's response at her lover's death would clarify the ending.

SUGGESTIONS:
You need to give this piece a strong edit and polish for punctuation and missing or non-sensical words. EXAMPLES:
Paragraph Five; comma needed between; needed 'albei'
Paragraph Eight; .. blush on Stan's face as the result...'
avoid to hear... [ overhearing]
"Your mother choose right." [ chose right]
shining with use howdah ? what does this mean ? made no sense to me.

FINAL THOUGHTS: A wonderfully inventive and interesting story that just needs a little more work to truly shine !

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