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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deland
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34 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Obsidian  
Review by lessismore
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I saw your story posted in the
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#610971 by Not Available.


What I really liked
I like your writing and the way you set the scene. Nice work with the dialogue also.

Characters
Paendragon is well developed. The name threw me a little because it suggest this might be a story related to Arthur. I was a bit confused about his rank since he was called "sire" but he himself seemed to be under a "captain."

Plot
Interesting twist with the city being occupied by monsters. I'm not exactly sure what they are. The last sentence confused me. Had his army turned into these monsters?

Scene & Situation
Good job setting the scene. You focused on sight and smell then later added cold. Might want to add sounds (echos).

Mechanics
Your writing mechanics are solid. I didn't see any grammer problems.

Specific Comments/suggestions

...Opening...
I'm going to be very picky here because the opening sentences and paragraphs are so critical to pulling the reader into your story.

The stench of the sewers was getting thicker, he sensed.
Most of the time authors don't need phrases like "he sensed" It is implied and leaving it out will "tighten" the writing. When I edit my own stories I look for "he saw" because I overuse that.

Also, if this is a midevil setting, would there be sewers? Regardless, would it be stronger if you were more specific about the source of the stench? (urine, feces, human filth, rot, decay, corpses, bat dung, etc.)

His nose complained again and his stomach was quick to follow. He felt like vomiting
This could be tighter. You already mentioned smell (stench) so maybe just focus on the stomach/nausea here.

Good thing there wasn’t that much in his belly or else he would have contributed his fair share to the obnoxious surroundings.
This is OK but does it contribute enough for an opening? ...try removing it and seeing if that strengthens or weakens the paragraph.

torch in his left arm this reads like the torch impaled his arm. ...in his left hand... would be better.

...yet he felt as though some unseen eyes lurked in the shadows, constantly watching him and his fellow men "as though", "lurking" and "constantly" weaken this sentence. Without them it would be: ...yet he felt unseen eyes in the shadows, watching him and his five men. "

If he did not know better, he would have thought that his party of five was being stalked. "If he did not know better" is something of a stock phrase. Its OK for later in a story but doesn't deliver enough punch for an opening. If you put "five" into the previous sentence then you could drop this one.

Not too long ago, Voshar, the spineless drunk following in his footsteps, had fancied a ghastly monster.
"Not long ago" is too vague...it could be minutes or days. How about "Moments ago..." or "In the last corridor..."

What an old fool… damn it, we should not have let him drink before we went in. His delusional fears can spread and then I’ll have a problem on my hands.

This is good. I like the way it tells us he is thinking like a leader. That strengthens the character in my mind.

Last thing I need is a bunch of crying, terrified babies for me to look after.
This sentence is a problem. It extends his contempt for the drunk to include all of his men. Does he really see them all as babies?

There ain’t nothin’ but rats down here. B‘sides I can use some meat after a month of bread’n water.
I'm confused. Is he going to eat rat meat? Are they escaping from a dungeon? We are getting into the story now and I'm not sure what the "problem" is that the characters are facing. You have established an interesting setting with a strong protagonist but as a reader I need to know why I should read on. What problem must be overcome?

The distant sounds of battle echoed as a reminder of the mayhem that took place on the surface. We must be getting closer. If I can hear the battle rage…. The battering rams and the siege towers have already advanced to the walls… and now the bloodbath begins.
Here is the problem statement. I suggest you move this to the top of your story and make it your opening line.


Write on!
2
2
Review of Item Statistics  
Review by lessismore
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thanks for this explanation fo the Extended Statistics. I have looked over these statistics and frankly I have doubts about their usefulness.

First, becasue the sample size is often very small, I suspect the statistics will not reflect/predict how a larger population would respond to the same item.

Second, the most important demographic is not included in the stats. That is a breakdown by genre preference. If I'm writing Sci-Fi, and the rater does not care for Sci-Fi (but read it only for the "auto-reward") then that reader's rating is suspect. What most interests me is the ratings from people who would list Sci-Fi as one of their favorite Genres.

-Dave
3
3
Review of Inspection  
Review by lessismore
Rated: ASR | (4.0)


What I really liked
This is a great start. I like the way you focus on characters. Too much sci-fi writing gives characters short shrift.

Zander is a very strong female character. She knows what she wants and is in control. Great job.

Characters
I like that the reader is not sure who are the good guys and who are the bad guys in the story. This is a good way of adding tension. Nicely done.

I'd like to know more about what motivates the characters. What do the inspectors think they will find? Why might it be dangerous to the world? Are they afraid? On the other side, why is it important for Zander and others to keep their secrets? What will they lose if they are found out?

Zander is a strong character but she needs a stronger supporting cast. For example, Inspector Corai seems to have a weak personality. Not something I would expect to see in someone who is in her position. She seemed easily disuaded from searching Zander's 'onboard' computer. People in "policing" type jobs usually work in a hierarchical authority structure. If Carai was orderd to do the search then she would insist on doing unless directed by a superior to back off. I think if she were a stronger character (like Zander) then your story would have more conflict and would be even better.


Plot
This reads like chapter one of a novel rather than as a short story. Is that your intention? Mostly I say this because the main questions of the story are never answered. Questions like "why is Zander hiding the info and carrying on secret research? What has the research found what will it find and what will the consequences of that discovery be?" All these question are great if this is a novel and they will be answered in later chapters.

The legal debate between the instpector and the law professor seems unlikely. Police don't debate legal technicalities. If they beleive they have a valid warrant, they might ask politely once, then warn the professor of the consequences of resisting, then forcibly remove him.


Mechanics
Your writing is very clean--I don't see any problems with syntax, spelling, etc. Some parts feel overdone to me. For example, There, again, was the mix of insult and placating soft-spoken-ness that so perplexed them. Here you seem to be telling the reader something you think they should have heard for themselves in the dialog that preceded. It seems redundant.

Specific Comments/suggestions

The opening paragraphs are the most important part of the story so I'll focus hardest on that.

“You want what?” The look on Dr. Kevan Dechyn’s face was a mixture of astonishment and indignation. “Absolutely not!” This is ok as it is, and this may be just a matter of style, but I think it could be tighter. A couple ideas: You might just start with
“Absolutely not!” said Dr. Dechyn.
Or, you might show his astonishment and indignation rather than telling it.
“You want what?” Dr. Dechyn’s eyebrows shot up and then fell, pinching together above glaring eyes. “Absolutely not!”


Inspector Lucienn Corai didn’t budge from her position at the foot of the steps that led up to the house’s front door. "from, at, of, to" so many prepositional phrases make this sentence hard to follow. You could break it into seperate sentences or simplify it down to something like "Inspector Lucienn Corai didn’t budge from her position at the front door."


He gestured over his shoulder at the modest ranch house that raised its elegant charcoal-blue face into the cool morning air behind him. "modest" and "elegant" sound contradictory. "charcoal-blue" and "cool morning" are nicely descriptive but I feel like they don't fit the mood of the scene.

...and blinked a bit of dust out of one gray eye. phrase sounds too much like a device for mentioning her eye color.

“Whatever documents you have,” he grated, gesturing fiercely, “are immaterial. This goes against my expectations of what a Law Professor would know and say. If there is a legal search warrant then he can't argue the law. He might delay the law by insisting that he be allowed to verify that the warrant is in proper order.

Are you aware of the fact that everything I see and hear at this moment is being broadcast directly to Congress? At first glance this seems far fetched. Specifics could make it more believable. For example if it is being broadcast to the office of Senator so-and-so... or to the members of the House Subcomittee on genetic crimes...

negligent finger "negligent" sounded odd to me.

You mean to tell me you don’t know? I agree with him. In the age of technology you are describing it seems she would have easy access to records showing home ownership.

Dr. Zander Mistral was at that precise moment standing at one of the front windows of her house, next to the front door, less than ten feet from the impassioned law professor who stood arguing with the Genetic Inspectors. too many prepositions. Break it up into more sentences or simplify. One suggestion is to delete info the reader already knows e.g., what the law professor is doing, and delete info the reader can surmise, e.g. that the front window is close to the front door.


As well you knew... Zanders long explanation to Dr. Dechyn isn't necessary for the reader so this could be replaced with something very short like: Zander explained to Dr. Dechyn how she had deceived the inspectors.

Write on!

-Dave

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#838623 by Not Available.

4
4
Review by lessismore
Rated: E | (3.5)
What I really liked
I liked the way you built suspense with the mystery of who this woman is that the brothers are seeking and what they need from her.

Characters
Mauric's purpose in the story is unclear. Why does she need him, why does he know where to find her?

Plot
I liked everything until the ending. Sorry, it just didn't satisfy the suspense and mystery that you had built up. Perhpas some foreshadowing would help. Maybe if it was more clear that the earth is in trouble and the brother are genuinely seeking help (I thought what they told Mauric was just a ruse to get him to take them to her.)

Scene & Situation
This seemed very light on descriptions until they got to the hut. More description of characters than just height would be helpful. The hut descriptions didn't seem logical (see specific comments below).

Mechanics
Punctuation and gammer looked very good. I had some problems with clarity and word choices. (see specifics below)

Specific Comments/suggestions

Two of them were tall and muscled, the other was not. Change comma to semicolon or two seperate sentences.

She wouldn’t be to mad would she? shouldn't the "to" be "too"?

His avarice had obviously won out, since he was in the process of leading them to her. Suggestion: end the sentence after "won out." The additional words are not necessary.

the smaller mans mind change "mans" to "man's"

It was pure luck on their part that they had found him. consider droping "on their part"

The thought was no more then a passing one, but it was enough for Javien to alert his brother Garyt and have them investigate further "them" seems ambiguous. How about "alert his brother Garyt so the two of them could investigate further.

Mauric felt the man’s hands wrap themselves around his head, he began to feel dizzy, and then he felt nothing at all. The first part of this is confusing to me. Is Mauric feeling the man's feelings or is the man wrapping his hands around Mauric's head? Maybe this should be broken out into several sentences.

Inside the clearing and barely visible to anyone not expecting it to be there was a tiny square hut overgrown with vines and foliage. I think this might be clearere with the subject earlier in the sentence. For example, "Inside the clearing was a tiny square hut overgrown with vines and foliage, barely visible to anyone not expecting it."

The thick vines and plants in front of him suddenly began to move away and they could now see a small door being revealed. You could drop "being revealed" since you just described that.

Even the warmth of the jungle air filtering in at their backs felt cooler. I suggest you change "warmth of the" to "warm" and change "cooler" to "cool."

Mauric told them as he turned around and walked through a door to their right. I was surprised that there was more than one room in the hut. From the earlier descriptions I assumed it was small, with only one room.

The brothers almost had to bend down to keep their heads from hitting the ceiling. I've never seen anyone "almost bend down". Either they bend or the don't.

The room consisted of...The chair was facing away from them, but they could see that someone was sitting in it. The occupied chair is most important fact so I would put that first then describe the rest of the room.

They started across the room to get a closer look... This makes the room feel very large, I thought it was very small?

The brothers stopped and Mauric bent down to look into the face of the woman. She looked like she had a year ago when he had been there last, extremely thin and pale, with deep lines around her face. This is a jarring shif of point-of-view POV from the brothers to Mauric.

Nice suspense...This is getting spooky!

They also were colorless... What do colorless clothes look like? Are they transparent? White? I'm struggling to picture this.

She also looked strangely comfortable sitting in the chair, considering she had been sitting like that for seven years Who's point-of-view is this? Mauric? Is he the only one with knowledge that she has been here 7 years?

Mauric saw a spider crawl onto the front of the back of the chair "front of the back" sounds awkward... any other way to say this?

She then stood up, her movements slow, but not laborious I don't think negative descriptions like "not laborious" work very well. Tell me what it is (easy, graceful, smooth), rather than what it is not (laborious).

She looked like a corpse! It was not clear to me at this point that they had not seen her face. Also does this fit with Mauric's description of her as "...extremely thin and pale, with deep lines around her face?"

She looked to be about twenty-five This isn't really necessary and distracts from the flow of the paragraph.

And she looked angry. "was angry" would be a stronger statement.

muttering something that looked like “I’m sorry,” over and over again. "looked" doesn't fit with spoken words, maybe "sounded like" would be better?

The brothers could not hear a sound from him when they should be and it scared the hell out of them. consider deleting "when they should be"

And found her staring at them. should be part of the previous paragraph rather than by itself.

The brothers quickly dropped to their knees and bowed their heads. Why? Why not run?

She spat at them, coming to a halt right in front of them. Was she moving toward them or did her spit halt right in front of them?

Write on!

Rating

Mechanics: 4.0
Characters: 3.5
Scene & Situation: 3.5
Plot: 3.5
Overall:3.5

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#838623 by Not Available.

5
5
Review by lessismore
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What I really liked
You did a great job revealing the main character's feelings.

Mechanics
Only a couple small problems which I noted in the Edit Points.

Characters
Main character is good. I think the story would be strengthened by knowing more of her feelings. In stories like this where one character wrapped up in their own emotions I like to see the other characters emotions in their actions and words. Maybe you can make it clear that she has no romantic interest but he is too blind to see it. Also, help the reader understand why she hasn't seen the "signs" of his interest and taken steps to set him straight? Maybe she has but he just missed those signs.

Plot
It is but kind of plain. However, I think his fears at the end reflect where this story could go. What if you kept writing and showed how those fears impacted him. What if one of his fears comes true -- what if he does run into her husband?

Write on!

Rating
Mechanics: 3.5
Characters: 3.5
Plot: 2.5
Overall: 3.5
6
6
Review of Cold Blooded  
Review by lessismore
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I saw an excellent review you posted in the Public Review area so I had to check out your writing.

b}What I really liked
This was an enjoyable example of flash fiction. Like a chocolate kiss, it only takes a few moments to unwrap and enjoy.

Mechanics
Perfect. I saw no problems.

Characters
The narrator is a scary, malevolent character.

Plot
Having read your bio and lived in Florida I picked up on the twist early but still enjoyed the story.

Given that you revealed that people were aware of his presence (one had screamed, others left food) you might add a sentence that suggest this particular woman was a visitor or some other reason why she was not aware of the danger.

Here's a "throw-away" suggestion. In the final paragraph, replace the first to sentences with the word "Satisfied."

Write on!

Rating

Mechanics: 5.0
Characters: 5.0
Plot: 4.0
Overall: 4.5

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#838623 by Not Available.

7
7
Review of Star Pure Wings  
Review by lessismore
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What I really liked
The story idea is great. The child of a human/angel union opens the door for many problems and possibilities. You've only just begun to explore the stories that the character can tell.

Mechanics
Spelling, syntax, etc are very good. A couple of sentences were unclear and I've noted them below.

b}Characters
Hope is a great character, but needs more development to do justice to her potential.

Scene & Situation
I like your descriptions. for example "widow, big as whale rising from the depths..." I feel that scenes, like the one where Hope was being chased and teased by other children, has been overused in a lot of stories. Personally I would like to see a fresh approach for showing how she is ostracized.

Plot
The "mystery" and "revelation" about the angel that comitted adultry and murder is very good. I think this is another area where you have just begun to "mine the gold" that is burried in your story idea. I think the "revelation" of that past murder could be more clear. Readers will want to better understand the motivation and the consequences of that act.

Overall, the story ends too soon. It read more like a scene in a larger story. The larger story might be if whether she can "find her place" in the world. Is it with humans, its it with her criminal angel father? Discovering the truth about her father and the circumstances of her conceptions is only part of the story. I think that her self discovery of who she is, what she wants to be, is still to be told and that is necessary before she can decide whether to stay in the village or go with her father or make some third choice.


Specific Comments/suggestions

The screams pierced the night, raking the air with unending pain and sorrow. The sound took on a life of its own, and roamed the village like a feral beast on the prowl for a hapless soul to drag to some hell-den and salivate on.
This very good. My comments is purely based on my personal taste but I think it would be even better if you removed the words "unending" and "...and salivate on." They make it feel just a little overdone.

Women sang songs against spirits in the old tongue to frightened children, and the men sat tensely in whatever furniture there was to be had.
Perhaps "to calm frightened children" Also, everything in this paragraph speaks of "activiity" until you get to "the men sat..." Is it your intention to paint the men a inactive/impotent?"

Though for quite some time the midwife, who was one of few who bothered to have the counting-knowledge in the village, had been quite puzzled.
I'm not sure if you are suggesting that only the midwife could count so only she was bothered by the pregnancy? Whether people can count or not, I would expect they would know that this pregnancy was not due to the now dead husband. They would surely conclude the young widow had a lover.

God help her but it seemed too much at times, to lose the mother and child?
This caught me by surprise that the mother's life is in danger. An earlier hint would help, perhaps if the midwife comments that she is losing too much blood.

“Hope, it must end in hope,” tears and then blankness. "tears then blankness" is her death, but "blankness" suggested to me that the reader is seeing from her point of view. If you meant that she became still or her face was blank with death then I think that could be said more clearly.

did not notice the “deformity”that had so hampered the little innocent’s birth.
I always struggle when a story says someone did not notice something that is unmistakably obvious. I think you could say that she "was not disturbed by the deformity" rather than say she didn't notice it.

***
you could use writingML tags to center this "sperator". It would look like this {center}***{/center}

...reflecting like pale rays of sun off the morning dew.
A nitpick...I can't put my finger on it but this didn't sound quite right. Maybe its just me. You are saing her hair reflects the sunlight so your simile should be something that reflects. Right now it says her hair reflects like rays of sun--sunlight is reflected but it doesn't reflect.

Yer mother scr***d a harpy!, This word doesn't fit with the style of language you have used to this point. It sounds too modern.

for the last 14 years of her life I would indicate her age earlier so that the reader can create an appropriate image as they see her running away. Perhaps you could insert her age in the sentence that says "The girl ran desperately down"

and a love that was almost zealous in its manner. Consider simplifying to say "a zealous love."

“Of course,” Hope replied “there’s nothing else to do here.” Tell me about her feelings. Is she upset, hurt, crying, angry, fearful?

...leaving Hope to her own devices. her own devices for what? For dealing with her emotions? for entertaining herself?

yet she didn’t even know if she could use them, having been told at every turn the beatings she’d receive if she tried. This triggers questions in my mind. Why the threats? Given your later statement that she had sometimes been alone, why did she never try? Perhaps fear that she could not fly? Better to have a dream that is never tested then to have it crushed by reality.

...headed off that same street and off into the shelter of trees... Using "off" twice in this sentence feels awkward.

The color of the autumn leaves was finer than any wrought metal It was surprising to see the color of leaves compared to wrought metal because I don't associate metal with beautiful colors.

in her entire life before "entire" is probably redundant.

turned her brain inside This phrase doesn't seem to fit the overall style of the rest of the story. Generally, wherever you use "brain" I think "mind" could work better.

but one perceived "she perceived" might work better.

(well her mother’s husband’s) Interrupts the flow. Maybe try "...knowing the story of her father’s demise. or the man Auntie said was her father"

Also, I see the implication that this is an angel who killed her "father" out of jealousy, but it might be good to state that more explicitly here.

“But I can’t,” Hope protested, “I can’t leave Auntie, it’s just not right!” It would seem more likely to me that she would hesitate because of the horror/sorrow she just experienced at knowing what this angel did.

“Though I cannot show you things I once could have, I wouldn’t have been able to make you if I were able to.” I don't understand this sentence.

voice rich like dark chocolate, even though it was in her head I would suggest shortening to "voice rich like dark chocolate in her head"

Write on!

Rating

Mechanics: 4.0
Characters: 3.5
Scene & Situation: 4.0
Plot: 3.5
Overall: 3.5 -- this is almost a 4.0 and has the potential to easily jump to 4.5 after another rewrite.

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#838623 by Not Available.

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8
8
Review by lessismore
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I have been thinking about the "mini-economy" of writing.com and so it was a pleasure to find and read this item.

If I were still a college student it would be facinating to study the workings of this economy in more detail. However, my college days ended before the web appeared.

Do you have access to information about the writing.com economy? For example, do you know the total number of GPs in the system now (sort of the total money supply)? Average total GPs "spent" each week. Info on average GPs held and spent weekly by different membership types would also be interesting.

There are lots of interesting questions that could be explored. Are there inflationary effects from having sales on GPs? What would be the impact of allowing users to freely exchange their GPs for PayPal dollars? How is the writing.com economy impacted by the greater US and world economy? Does a drop in the value of the dollar result in international users buying more GPs?

So many intersting questions. Maybe someone could do a masters level economics thesis on the writing.com economy. *Smile*

You made a good point about bids going up because the site is larger and the value of adverstising is greater. As the "market price" of getting on the sponsorship page goes up, does it appear that people are shifting to other ways of marketing their items? For example, the price for sponsoring in a specific genre (e.g. Fantasy) is still reasonable. Review Forums and contests also seem to be popular.

My first objective is to get reviews and I found that "targeting" my marketing by genre and rewarding my reviewers gets my work more reviews than spending a lot of GPs for site-wide sponsorship.

Might I suggest a "next step" in this economy? That would be the actual sale of access to items. This would be similar to the fictionwise.com only this would be within the writing.com economy.

This could start as "voluntary" payment. For example, an author would specify a recomended payment of 100 GPs for viewing an item. That would be the default amount in the "Send [___]GPs with this reviewe" amount.

Or it could be manditory. Selecting an item to read would display a window with the author's sales pitch. It might show the awards won (for this item and author's other items) It might include a blurb about the item or a sample such as a single poem if the item is a folder/collection of poems. Cost in GPs would be displayed. Author could even "guarantee satisfaction" and so that a "refund" button would appear in the Review Box. Another natural step would be to allow authors to bid on or purchase reviews from the best reviewers.

This kind of "sellers option" would also facilitate the creation of contests with entry fees, raffles, etc. Also, authors might be encouraged to "advertise" their items with some hope of recovering some of those marketing costs through sales.

I would love to see a "Top Sellers" list. Some way of knowing what is being read most, even if it doesn't have the highest average rating.

OK, I've gone on far to long. Hopefully I've communicated my admiration and appreciation for what you have created and perhaps I have also planted a seed or two in your mind.

Thanks,
-D
9
9
Review by lessismore
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What I liked most:
Your description of the begining of the battle is great. You were able to convey both the personal experience of Garth as well as a sense of what what happening with the battle as a whole. Like in this paragraph:
Lord Erig gave a cursory glance to the side, looking at the trees as he passed but seemed to see nothing. He gestured to his lieutenants to follow him forward with their knights. Perhaps the peasants are losing heart?. Garth wondered. It wasn’t so unbelievable, given Lord Erig’s superior numbers. The three pronged trident descended on the Lenkist cavalry. The sound of swords on shields, cracking bones, and clashing of blooded blades filled the atmosphere. Garth covered his lord’s back as Erig and his lieutenants plunged into the square formation of the enemy.

Comments and Suggestions:

He looked back every other second to stare beyond the sea of shining helmets, at the hilly lanscape framed by forests on the horizon, almost mesmerized by the swaying of the long grass in the distance. Too long, break into two sentences. Also, his head is really spinning if he looks back every other second...that contradicts the word "stare" which implies a long look. Also, mesmerize suggest being hypnotized or frozen.

If he kept his view of the small army that surrounded him in the periphery, the place almost seemed empty, and the quiet was soothing. The metallic clank of armor and weapons as the men drilled and prepared themselves faded into white noise. You seem to be equating "white noise" with "soothing quiet" and I don't see those as being similar.

Also, I'm confused about who is on which side. He belongs with the throng of horses but there is also a sea of helmets and a small army. Who is friend and who is foe?

“I fought with the Lenkists in the battle for Remsord ten years ago,” The lord murmured, Telling of previous events by having a character talk to himself doesn't work well. The character comes across as a bit loony. This is a serious problem because this is a significant part of the chapter.

We all smelled the fear as it leaked from our braies.” What are "braies"?

He could have assembled up to forty thousand on the field that day but earlier you said Half of the mounted might of Remsord Keep was summoned to the battlefield. Is there a contradiction?

At least that much should be obvious to you.
Is that part of the quote or an internal thought of Garth? Either way you need to make it clear to the reader.

His honor was too, ridiculously strong. drop the comma.

warcry should be two words "war cry"

But he was took late. should be "too late"

Overall
The battle scenes are good but the part leading up to that needs work. Garth seems to be half day dreaming and then the exchange of looks with others was confusing. Something is missing because I don't understand what that is about and how it relates to the rest of the story.

I had trouble with the believability of the main character. At the first I thought Garth was a bit dorky, kind of a wannabe warrior. Later he seems quite poised and capable for a squire. Yet at the same time he seems happy to follow Erig who is totally incompetent (but he is chivalrous.) I think you need to decide if Garth is a strong character or not. Is he smart guy that sees things as they really are and stays out of loyalty is he something else?

Like I said before, the core battle scene is great. A little work on the other parts will go a long way toward making it a great chapter.

Write on!

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10
10
Review by lessismore
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! RAOK Rocks! What a great surprise to receive free Upgrade from the RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group.

Writing.com is a great community!

-D
11
11
Review by lessismore
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Sytnax, Grammer:
These sentences/phrases have problems:
-- her eyes seem to be slide off its surface ** drop “be”?

-- A silent whine ** how can a whine be silent… maybe “soft”.

-- sat in a comfortable sitting chair ** suggest change “sat” or drop “sitting”

-- He looked back at Spinner, run his hands through his hair ** “run” or “ran”?

Overall Impressions:

The beginning struck me as humorous. (Miss Blossom!) I really liked it. I think your dialoge between characters (and inner thoughts) was good, but I had trouble finding the thread of the plot, where is it all going?

I don’t see the connection between the first part of the with the scientist and the rest. I’m sure you will tie it together later but some readers (like me *Smile* ) have less patience..

Write On!
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