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You stick to your abcb 7/6/7/6 format very well. This is an emotionally strong piece that uses the sea as a metaphor for life. In that regard, I am touched that you were seeking to "avoid a whale or shark" rather than kill one! I feel this speaks to your tender-hearted nature and kindness. I feel a contemplativeness in this piece I can identify with - we all have those times, M C.
Here's a couple suggestions:
Stanza 2/line 3 "But how to get out of the" (But how do I get out of)?
Stanza 3/line 3 "Is rather difficult," (Is very difficult)?
Stanza 3/line 4 "A dream that is occult." (A dream of the occult)?
I just realized Stanza 4/line 3 which should be 7 is only 6 "Am I really living?"
Stanza 4/lines 3 & 4
"Am I really living?
This life is a pretence."
(Am I really living or
Is life just a pretence?")
As always, thank you for submitting your poem to the contest. We look forward to your words each month and hope to see more from you!
The a/b/a/b 6/5/6/5 scheme flows well in this poem. It seems lyrical in the reading which I like. I LOVE the first stanza.
I'm not sure if the shift in time reference is fluid here. It feels like things are a little out of order, or it might just need a few more stanzas for transitional purposes. My understanding is the first paragraph is speaking of seeing her as a ghost. Then you are reflecting on what happened. In stanza 5 & 6 you are reflecting of thoughts that occurred after she passed. When in stanza 5 you said "no one could say I'd been untrue to you in any way" didn't flow quite the same and it was a bit of a jolt... left me wondering why any one would say you'd been untrue ("you" meaning your character.) Here's a couple thoughts to consider: What if in stanza 1 you said "You stand" instead of "You stood"... it would feel more like the ghost was with you and the poem was written to her - almost being spoken to her. Possibly moving stanza 5 up to right after the 1st stanza and maybe put it in italics to indicate that you are speaking those words to her. Then if stanza 4 is immediately followed by stanza 6 it makes the ending that much more of a "bang!"
One more thought:
I still see you standing
right through the screen door,
consider:
I still see you (standing)
right through the screen door.
These are just possible alternatives to consider. I like this poem a lot! Powerful expressions!
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
Your poem speaks well to the image prompt you were provided. I like how you've formatted it on the page. My favorite line "Stupor high on leather, steel, and shiny chrome." (though it might be "Stupor-high"?)
I would suggest looking back through the punctuation. For example, you have every line punctuated at the end with a period; however, not every line is a full sentence. Some of the sentences don't seem to flow naturally (to me), like they are bending to fit the rhyme.
We appreciate your contest entry. Good luck with the judging.
Regards,
~des
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Your poem is a sensual use of the prompt "whispered words." I had not heard of the saraband sonnet before and appreciate the link with the explanation of the form. I enjoyed your poetic expression with such phrasing as "wilted tourists sought relief" and "he whispered words of sweet allure." Congratulations on the big, beautiful 1st place ribbon from the Images in Ink monthly poetry contest!
I have the sense from the beginning that the 2 subjects just met that day, so I have pause with the phrasing of
"He whispered words of sweet allure,
and took her hand in his to lead
her down the path of love so pure."
My feeling is that they had other motivation than a deeply pure love that day, but that could have been the eventuality of that union. Perhaps:
"He whispered words of sweet allure, then took her hand in his and lead
her down the path to love so pure."
I'm not sure from the link which version of the saraband sonnet this is? It mentions there are French, Italian, etc., but the version that's first listed (and the one with the descriptive detail) has a different line scheme than this one.
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
You have written a beautiful poem from the prompt "scent of wonder." Your gently vivid descriptions allow me to almost indulge in that sensory experience with you. It touches me with a spiritually and emotionally peaceful vibrancy. I appreciate, too, the beautiful ending.
Although your syllable count varies slightly within the couplets, it mostly seems to mostly flow naturally with the rhyme; however, couplet 8 line 2 (Rusty iron benches, now too, covered with vines) gave me considerable pause. In the last stanza line 1 "vine covered" I believe would be "vine-covered."
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
I appreciate how you take on challenges and "push the envelope", conform without conformity, make things your own, etc. Your comedy is both direct and subtle. You are brilliant at crafting words and making them interesting, entertaining, and even educational. This poetic conversation in various styles between 2 sisters about men and their varying... umm... "shortcomings" is genius. George's cinquain and the sister's response is a favorite. The haiku, acrostic, and etheree are hilarious. I love the happy ending with the sonnet (appropriately, of course), and I love the line "I planned to stay at home and count my woes."
I would suggest looking at the sonnet again. Stanza 1/line 4 and Stanza 3/line 4 didn't flow quite as naturally for me.
You completely engage my mind in your writing. It is delightful! I would love to read more of what you could do with a stronger spiritual or emotional feel, something with more "grit" or "rawness." You are brilliant, I can't say that enough. Your writing makes me laugh, or makes me think and I say "WOW! Amazing!" I can't help but wonder what you could do if you dug deeper. (Admittedly, I also found myself wondering what kind of sonnet you could come up with for July's prompt "melody at night." )
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest! We hope to see more from you!
Your poem is an incredible use of the prompt "scent of wonder." Your vivid, poetic descriptions gently guide me with a sense of place and circumstance that allow me to feel, emotionally and spiritually, that I am there.
I would suggest looking at the punctuation again. You use it very little... I could not detect a consistency in how it was used, perhaps you don't need any?
I love your interesting phrasing, but a couple things stood out to me as not seeming to fit with the rest. Stanza 1 "who died a week back", perhaps "who died a week before"? Stanza 5 "at the end of the day when all said and done"... "all said and done" is a fairly common expression, given that your phrasing is so unique it stands out; however, given the events in consideration it actually probably does say it best? I would suggest possibly changing "when" to "with"... "at the end of the day with all said and done."
In stanza 7/line 3 did you mean "isles" or "aisles"?
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you!
Your poem from the prompt "imprisoned by silence" is sadly touching. I am moved by the sense of a child's need for her mother and the helplessness which is underscored with the ending "until someone comes to turn the tide." Your language is straight-forward and conversational in tone.
With the first reading, you mention "her" before you mention "mother"... which had me wondering who the "her" was. I was a little uncertain of the phrasing in stanza 2 with "I shout and I yell" and referring to yourself as being "mute." I kept thinking of you're shouting and yelling and she's not hearing you, you are not "mute"... she is deaf? I wondered later about if you were really shouting and yelling, is that really "keep(ing) everything inside"?
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you!
I think many of us can relate to self-imposed "imprisoned by silence" and the desire to write that letter for some sort of resolution or closure. My favorite lines is "If I start blaming you then my ink will all be gone."
In this it felt the ending was abrupt... that it came without a resolution or a poignant twist or revelation of what might have prompted the letter in the first place. The ending stanza starts with "Why then break my silence, when to keep shut is better?" This clearly begs the question that I too had as I was reading. The ending "Silent I have always been, silent is this letter." doesn't answer that (for me).
In stanza 1 I was a little unsure of the phrasing... I have a couple suggestions to consider
I too can speak but I am I too can speak though I have been
Imprisoned by silence.
That is why I do portray That is how I could portray
An uninjured pretence.
I also wondered in stanza 3 the phrasing of the ending sentence "It will be a waste, to read it you'll never be prone." and rhyming "prone" with "gone" when all of your other rhymes are very tight. One random possible suggestion:
If I start blaming you then
My ink will all be gone.
It will be a waste, to read Squandered over writing that
It you'll never be prone. you'll never look upon
Thank you, as always, for participating in this contest! We hope to see more from you!
I've read this over a few times and I can't find the prompt for May that you used.
This is a very interesting read, descriptive and emotional.
I would suggest going back through to see that your verb tenses agree.
Thank you for submitting this poem. Hopefully one of the June prompts will inspire you. When writing for the contest, the prompt should be within the poem and/or the title. We hope to see more from you.
This is an interesting presentation for a poem - defining a child and a senior citizen in parallel ways. It took me a bit to see the circular aspect of how the definitions were arranged, as I was thinking it might have been clearer to have a child definition followed by its parallel senior definition. If grouping all the child definitions together and the seniors after that, perhaps each line doesn't have to start with "A Child" or "A Senior Citizen". Since you use colors in your fonts, perhaps you could have the parallel definition highlighted by using the same color in that line for each? I would suggest looking at the punctuation again.
Thank you for submitting this to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
What a wonderful use of the prompt "nonchalant shopper." If there was a perfect ode to one this would be it. Near as I can tell, you followed the Shakespearean sonnet style exactly and the iambic pentameter flows perfectly. The addition of the internal rhyme makes it flow even better. You begin light-hearted and I giggled at "with taste like yours, your teaching stores new trends." You built it up to the conclusion with an awesome ending couplet. This is a very intelligent poem, conveying a meaningful message.
As a possible suggestion, perhaps you could go through and look at the punctutation again.
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
Your poem is an emotional use of the prompt "come to stay." It touches me with a sense of sadness and has me wondering if it is a true story.
I was a little uncertain of the opening 2 lines, with the comma - "Welcome, memories you..." Perhaps "My memories of her have finally come to stay."
I would suggest looking at the repeating of the phrase "there is" or "this is" - which are "idle" phrases (don't really add anything)... as these are at the beginnings of non-rhyming lines it would be easier to play with that phrasing. Here's an example for stanza 2:
There is the image, my first,
When shyly I proposed,
But with a diffident look,
Such vain thought was disposed.
My first memory of you?
When I shyly proposed.
You had a diffident look;
My vain thought was disposed.
I would suggest also looking at the repeating word "image"... and alternating that for another at times.
In stanza 6 you mention "this is the image that I have alive till this day"... which seems to contradict the basis of the poem, that ALL of your memories are alive within you. Perhaps referring to it as a stronger image?
Thank you for submitting your emotional and thought-provoking poem to the contest. We hope to see more from you.
This poem is breathtakingly, tearfully, tenderly amazing. I love the straight-forward, emotional language, the ease of the flow - and how I feel myself being pulled along to an ending that I was both excited and apprehensive to get to... kind of like when I'm watching a sweet but heart-wrenching scene on a favorite show... (I watch through my fingers with tears welling in my eyes)... I couldn't look away, I had to know what happened, your words here are spell-binding.
I appreciate the emotion conveyed in your poem titled from the prompt "disappearing like a dream." You communicate your feelings clearly in straight-forward language and I like the sentiment at the end. I feel like I was on a little transitional journey with you from the beginning to end.
Suggestions:
In stanza 1/line 2 "but now your slipping away" - your should be you're (the contraction of "you are" rather than the possessive form of "you")
Stanza 3/line 2 "I would of changed what I did" - should be "I would have..."
Stanza 4 - each line is about twice as long as the lines in all of the other stanzas. These could be divided out for more consistency.
You use the word "time" several... ummm... times. One timeincidence that could be changed is stanza 3/line 3 "who knew that one time" could be "who knew that one mistake"
Thank you for submitting your poem to the contest. We look forward to reading more from you.
I appreciate the message contained in your poem which employs the prompt "ancient wisdom." It does seem to be human nature to want power over other things. Ironic given that it is also in human nature to cast blame. The last stanza was my favorite, it packed a nice punch.
I also appreciate that this stayed in a 7-6 format, which flowed in reading even without a rhyme.
I would suggest looking at the punctuation again in stanzas 3 and 4 and perhaps the phrasing of those lines to have them read like sentences (as punctuating indicates they could). An example of phrasing: stanza 4/line 3 "the lust and ambition" the word "the" doesn't seem to fit there. Recognizing that you seem to want to keep the 6 syllable line, perhaps "lust and high ambition"?
Thank you for submitting this poem to the contest. We are always pleased to see your entries and look forward to reading more from you.
Your poem is punchy use of the prompt "ancient wisdom." Punchy in that it is short and conveys significant emotion. I like the last stanza... it came as a little twist, which I appreciate for an ending.
I've read this several times, and I'm not quite sure what is going on.
The poem refers to "they" and also to "you"... and I'm not sure who the poem is talking to or about... or what thought or emotion I should take away from it as a reader. That could just be me. I did notice a typo in stanza 3, line 1. Your other 3 stanzas started with "How is it that" and this one started with "How is that"... I assume you meant to include "it" in there as well.
Thank you for submitting your poem to our contest.
We hope to read more from you!
I enjoyed your use of the prompt "shadowed room." This is a subject many of us can relate too. I like the alternating 7/5 syllable lines and rhyming on the 5 lines. Overall it had a great flow, and I deeply appreciate the message being conveyed.
As for suggestions...
as I mentioned, overall the flow is great. I stumbled a couple times:
line 5 "My heart beats and I still ache" I wanted to read as "My heart beats and still I ache"
line 13 "The emptiness I once felt" I wanted to read as "Emptiness that I once felt"
I questioned the word "suddenly" both times it appeared here. I was feeling through the poem that the transition was a somewhat lengthy one? I wonder if either of the words "suddenly" might actually be "finally"?
I would suggest looking at the punctuation again... as you do have it in a couple places, but I couldn't see any consistency.
I really enjoyed your poem. I remember "sitting" similarly once, albeit it was a shadowed porch (metaphorically and actually)... and I feel you've conveyed this very well.
Another very enjoyable read! I appreciate the additional comedic touch of it being a semi-sonnet rather than a full sonnet - it hints that you were so irritated by your subject matter that you couldn't form a complete one. It underscores the fed-up exasperation that you humorously convey. That said, I still found myself wondering what else you could have said with another stanza sandwiched between stanza 1 and your current stanza 2.
I love the flow of this, it reads almost perfectly to me. I had a little hesitation with stanza 2, line 3... the stressed sounds of "cats, dogs". Perhaps it's just me. I think my mind wanted to read that line as something like "or wild debates, or cats, or useless task(s)"
I love the line "or free vacations that aren't really free."
Another unexpected ending which is always delightful! And Amen to that sentiment!
I enjoyed your poem in sonnet form from the prompt "darkest night."
I love that you built the poem up with "dark" aspects and flipped it in the couplet with "light." I always appreciate a good "twist" at the end. Your language seems straight-forward and sincere, with some unexpected rhyming, and near-rhyming, words which I appreciate.
Suggestions... as for how it flows to me personally...
Line 1 - I tripped a little on "day's brightness"... perhaps "bright of day"?
Stanza 2 you started each line with "when" except the last... line 4 possibly "When a ray of happiness can't be found"?
Stanza 3 lines 1 & 2 begin with "Will that", line 3 "Will it" and line 4 "Will this"... line 4 possibly "Will it" also?
Ending couplet - starts with "No that won't" possibly put a comma after "No,"?
I tripped a little on the stressed/unstressed sounds in ending line also "He will beckon me with His kindly light." Possibly put a comma (instead of a period) at the end of the line above with the last line "As He will beckon me with kindly light."?
Your poem conveys a deep spiritual peace in the face of seeming adversity. I truly appreciate that message and the manner in which you expressed it. We hope to see more from you!
Your poem, using the prompt "mystic web", has some powerful, exquisite phrasing that touches me. I find this poem sultry, romantic, spiritual... a sense of longing mixed with desire, and beautiful poetic expression. Although the syllabication doesn't match, it flows naturally for me... except perhaps the beginning the line "moonlight shining in her eyes". I tripped a little on that one. Perhaps it's just me... my mind was wanting to hear something like "and moonlight in her eyes."
My only other suggestion would be to look at the punctuation. Personally, I'm not sure of the proper use of punctuation in poetry... when to use it, when not. I did wonder about the semi-colon here "there's respite from the noise parade;
stone silence where I lay." A semi-colon tells me there's a complete thought on the other side of it, something that could be a sentence alone. I wondered if perhaps a dash, ~ , or some other form of punctuation might be better. I believe well-defined would have a hypen.
Again, T.L, I really enjoyed this poem. Some of the phrasing still goes through my thoughts. I am deeply touched by this beautiful expression. We hope to see more from you!
I must start with a brief personal reflection, you posted this the night my father passed; therefore, your theme and expression of such was particularly touching to me when I initially read it soon afterwards. I appreciated the timing.
I feel this poem is an emotional reflection from the perspective of the one that is passing. You have some touching phrases here.
Suggestions -
Consider having a more consistent syllable pattern in the poem which will help with the overall flow. I feel each sentence has a good "rise and fall" in pronunciation, but I stumbled a little on stanza 2, lines 1 and 4.
While I noticed the word "hope", the poem didn't contain the whole prompt "essence of hope."
I appreciate this poem and it's touching message.
Thank you for entering our contest. We hope to see more from you!
Your freestyle poem for the prompt "rustle of skirts" was a pleasure to read.
I sighed as your poem allowed me to feel what it is that captures us in reading. Your language is straight-forward and poetic in feel.
Suggestions -
Stanza 1/line 1 - are the covers of the books actually photographs of models? or are they "scantily-clad images"?
Stanza 1/line 2 - "I open the covers and draw myself into" might read better as "I open the covers and submerge myself in" (especially considering you use "I am drawn into..." later in the poem).
Stanza 2/line 2 - I'm assuming that horses is plural; therefore, the possessive form would be horses'
Stanza 4/line 1 - "Thus is my secret escape", "Thus" doesn't seem to fit there... perhaps "This"?
This was enjoyable to read... and, as it's been awhile since I've read a book, it reminded me what I like about that experience as well. (*Furtive glance over at bookshelf to see what's there I haven't read yet.* )
Thank you for participating in our contest. We hope to see more from you!
I enjoyed your poem written in pentameter from the prompt "momentary solace."
This is a wonderful poetic reflection in considering that phrase. When we have "lost" someone, such little things can mean so much and afford our hearts a sense of momentary solace.
My suggestions would be in the punctuation of the first stanza. Starting with "What is..." suggests a question is forthcoming. Also, the entire stanza is one long sentence where the other stanzas are two. I am also feeling unsure of the phrasing in the 3rd and 4th lines of the first stanza. Line 3 "except that, though perishable it is," "except that, though..." seems redundant? Also, you had previously mentioned several things, should the pronoun referring back to those be plural? A possible alternate phrasing for the first stanza:
What is a dream or thought or a picture
Or a piece of paper with a few words, Or a piece of paper with a few words?
Except that, though perishable it is, Consider, though perishable each is,
It brings memories of one who’s no more. They bring memories of one who's no more.
My only other suggestion would be with the word "allies." Are you using this word as a plural of ally or alley? It seems from the context that it is to be considered the plural of alley, which is actually "alleys."
This is a wonderful poem I can relate to. How many times I've held such an object with a smile and a tear... it is an unburdening of the heart for a moment, and even the mind... to feel I don't have to commit every detail to memory, but can pick up this object and be reminded... and too, to be reminded of a sadness. This is a touching sentiment, poetically expressed.
Thank you for participating in our contest. We hope to see more of you!
Your Grossblank poem was a poignant use of the prompt "aromas from the kitchen."
On a personal note, having lost my father to cancer a few days ago I am especially touched by this today.
There is a sense of nostalgia that anyone can relate to... and the smiles, tears, and moments of spiritual reflection that brought me in to feel as though I was sharing that inside.
My only suggestions would be to look at the punctuation. For example, the 2nd stanza is 4 lines separated by commas. One possibility there would be a period at the end of the first line and starting the second with "It came..." Also, as it has a narrative quality (to me) the last line of the first stanza seems to have a bit of redundancy with "...to meet our destinies prescribed by fate." A possible alternate phrasing "...to meet our futures as prescribed by fate."?
Again, this is a most moving poem which speaks to the heart, mind, and soul of the reader in something that most can relate to. Congratulations for being the featured winner in Round 7 of the Beauty From Ashes contest and the accompanying ribbon. I am very pleased to see that! We hope to see more of you!
Regards,
~des
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Your comedy is both direct and subtle. You are brilliant at crafting words and making them interesting, entertaining, and even educational. This poetic conversation in various styles between 2 sisters about men and their varying... umm... "shortcomings" is genius. George's cinquain and the sister's response is a favorite. The haiku, acrostic, and etheree are hilarious. I love the happy ending with the sonnet (appropriately, of course), and I love the line "I planned to stay at home and count my woes." 
(Admittedly, I also found myself wondering what kind of sonnet you could come up with for July's prompt "melody at night." 
The last stanza was my favorite, it packed a nice punch. 