|Hi chip . Here is my review on "Puppy Love is Forever" [E]. If the tone of some of what I have written below seems over critical, please know that this is not my intention. I do see really good potential in what you have written here and my intention is to help you improve. Please keep in mind that the comments and suggestions below are offered only as suggestions. If you would like me to review/rate your story again after an edit, please let me know and I'd be happy to do so.
FIRST IMPRESSION: This is an interesting piece that has potential to be better! It kind of reads like a touching memoir but does still need some work.
WHAT I LIKED MOST: I get the impression that the author/narrator is very close to the story, whether or not this story is true or fiction it seems that way.
PLOT DEVELOPMENT AND RESOLUTION/CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT/SHOW VERSUS TELL: For 4 short paragraphs you have adequate characterization but there is not enough here for a complete plot. You have a beginning, it seems to progress to a middle, but the ending seems just a little weak, at least to my read. From the incident of the fall, what I as the reader needs, is to know where it went from there? Did you grow up and drift apart? Did she become your wife? Have you lived happily ever after? These are the things the readers of this piece will want to know, and these are what will provide a satisfying conclusion.
SPELLING: In one place you use the word whole when it should have been hole. Also you changed the spelling of Jeanie from the 1st paragraph to Jeanne in the 2nd and then back to Jeanie in the 4th. Finally, in the 4th paragraph "but stopped as her girl friends were al around her. . ."
GRAMMAR: No major problems standing out to me, but I do have some suggestions. You might consider changing your first sentence to 3 shorter sentences. Also some of your adjectives don't quite work for me.
In the end of the 1st paragraph you say "I developed such a crush on Jeanie Jensen that I drifted over to her house and just sor of hung out in front." "Drifted" indicates aimlessness; consider how "wandered" might work in its place.
"When I saw her hand go up to answer a question put to the class by the teacher, Mrs. Thut, and hard her answer that was as sound as all her answers to Mrs. Thut's questions." This seems to me to be a fragmented sentence.
Commas! This is one of my problem areas too! One example from the 3rd paragraph:
"My loving crush as recognized in my feelings and thinking was as real as the sun it the sky."
This could be revised as follows:
"My loving crush, as recognized in my feelings, and thinking was as real as the sun in the sky."
STRUCTURE/MECHANICS: This is not exactly a short story, not exactly an article, but it does read kind of like a memoir. Here you are telling us the story, might you consider revising into a short story, or at least use that format to convey this sweet little tale?
A couple of ideas on formatting at the top you have the New Horizons student graphic, it would be more visually appealing if it were centered. Also below the graphic you have repeated the title. Might consider either deleting the title or centering it also. Really, there is no need for it there unless it is some rule of the academy, and if that is the case it would just look better centered, bolded, and made larger.
SUGGESTIONS: In the 4th paragraph there is just too much blood for a simple fall, or at least for the injuries described. Perhaps a bloody nose would have blood all over her dress but not scratches on her face, knees, and hand.
Lastly, your first and last sentences are critical to how your reader views your piece. Your first sentence should draw the reader in and make them want to read more. Your final sentence should make some sort of concluding statement.
CLOSING COMMENTS: Again, my comments are intended to help you improve this piece. I would really love to help with your revision should you wish that help. If ANY of my SUGGESTIONS above do not suit you, please feel free to pay them no mind whatsoever.
All of my above comments and suggestions are only offered as something you may want to consider. It's your story, your vision, and you know it best! If I'm able to provide something that you may find helpful within this review, that's great!
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