|Hello James Fillmore,
First let me say I like a good detective story. I especially like noir.
I would break the paragraphs up more.
* This could be a separate paragraph. Also, I felt it needed a line space and a comma. My suggestions are below.
I had an office downtown in a small Midwestern city. The name was not important; it was a town just like all the others. It was sweltering hot during the day(,) and the nights were worse.
instead of telling us about the sweltering heat, you might want to show it in some way. Think about what we do when it's hot. Maybe he wipes his brow, takes a swig of the iced tea, or has a damp paper towel to swipe at his neck. Maybe his shirt sleeves are sticking to him. I did like how you revealed his approximate age and marital status.
It was the kind of summer that a guy, long divorced and pushing forty, realises that he could be living just anywhere and wonders why he is not able to move on.
*This raised a story question. Makes us curious. We must read on to find out why he's not able to move on.
* There are many paragraphs that are missing a line space between them.
I told her my daily rate(,) plus expenses(,)and what she had to pay as a retainer.
* You mentioned the Chinese store across the street, but then said you ordered a ham sandwich. Also the guy had fries. I may be wrong but I figured egg rolls might be on the menu, rather than ham sandwich and fries, but what do I know, it's your story.
The good news is it shows our guy there where Linda is. We wonder what he will find out about her.
I realise this is an excerpt, rather than a full story. I'm just sharing my thoughts on this section.
Continue on and let's see where this goes. Thanks for sharing.
This is a anniversary review. Have a good one.