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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dnadream
Review Requests: ON
2,782 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I look at the title, premise, overall structure first. Then I see how it makes me feel. After that, I might comment on little errors which are easily fixed.
I'm good at...
Hmm. Well you'd have to ask the one being reviewed what that be.
Favorite Genres
Paranormal, spy/detective, sci-fi, romantic suspense (hey I'm female and entitled). documentary, psychological and more.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything too gorey depending on how it's done. I don't need every little detail.
Favorite Item Types
First tell me what an item type is. haha
Least Favorite Item Types
An item has to make sense even if it uses fantasy ideas.
I will not review...
I don't like where some writer crammed six long chapters into one item area. I also don't like it if the paragraphs are so long you lose your place reading it. If you don't want me to lose interest and give up, break it up into sections and link it to the next exciting chapters. Nobody wants to sit through a detailed story for hours without a break.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of My Nightmare  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Pernell,

I noticed your item and decided to look further and I'm glad I did

What I liked:. You described the experience of dreaming and we have a ton combined with sudden fear then we see the character busy with making breakfast when through this same window by and again our character faces fear and uncertainty .

Nice build of tension and a quick end.

He could have grabbed his shotgun nearby too.

Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of On A Park Bench  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sandra Lynn, I e just read this piece and will share my thoughts on it.

It has a nice rythym to it as we see these two take turns interacting. It works for then even though somehow they've understood completely. Yet they do in a way as it's all connected.it reminds me of a😗spiderweb where things enter and as a😆result your in and conne Ted.

Good job on this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Phil,

I took a look at your story piece and can now give my thoughts on this part of your story.

1) Saturday, September 4th, (I added a comma.)
2)
Dark, slate-grey skies blanket the city. The temperature is cool, a sign fall’s on its way. (Here I'd change to:-
a sign that Fall is on its way.
I also liked the descriptive words in the setting)

3) he recorded off the radio. (recorded off of the radio)
4)
(This part I felt needed restructure. It feels repetitive. Here is my suggestion.-

The hard-wired phone on the wall rang and Gran glanced at it then walked across the room toward it. The phone is old and heavy, a 1950s model and almost as old as the house. . You could probably kill somebody with it, {//I} she mussed.. She picked up the heavy black handset. "Hello...Hi. Yes he is."

(In the description I got a feeling this info might be good to recall later. Good job if that is so. You just don't want to be too obvious about why. A subtle suggestion is okay .)

Gran shouted up the stairs, "Phil, it's for you. It's Gina.” (obviously she knows Gina so she didn't need to ask who it is or you could mention after she's set the phone down some brief memory of knowing Gina or even include it way before. Maybe just a brief moment when he's spoken to her on the phone. )

"He’ll be down in minute, Hold on.”

(Most of this is easy things to correct. You want each group of thoughts to be concise and avoid anything too repetitive such as names in conversations. If you start a conversation and use tags at first the reader remembers who's talking if it's not one sided.

During the interaction of Phil and Iggy it seems there's a hint of intrigue going on and reader gets curious what's going to happen next. That's a good thing.

6) The word Ok should be okay.

Gina seems a bit of an unusual character, bossy and condescending to these two. I'm not sure why they put up with her constant verbal abuse if they are friends. It doesn't seem to bother them.

It makes me wonder why she thinks it's okay. Maybe she thinks it's cool or funny but it's overdone either way.

And why she has any friends at all or at least not ones where there's mutual respect for each other.

Maybe she believes these two either like it. For some reason they don't seem to care. I think she's a bit annoying and possibly has a tragic background.thats caused her to interact this way. )
7). The dialogue in this is pretty good and with some small changes will be better.

Just my thoughts and maybe not what you're idea is.

Take what you wish of my thoughts and what won't work disregard.

Thank you for choosing me to review it and keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of No Treason  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi karen Smyth

This poem tells a story and reveals conflict. We see much imagery here as the person struggles with the pain as her accusers want to be destroy her without even allowing her to defend herself.

She's rendered helpless because fear has caused them to react.

We also get to see the victims thoughts as a she can't escape.

This piece has vivid imagery, a clever rhyme. Effective. I'm not familiar with what kind. Eff

Thanjs for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Inner Child  
Review by DnaDream
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Thomas Seeker,

I'm back to re-rate this as I believe you corrected it or I'm blind to any mistakes.

I don't care though because this message needs to be read. So I read it again.


I totally like it. Maybe even love it. *Smile*

Thank you again.
6
6
Review of Chapter 5  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Emily,
I contiinue on but will reluctantly stop shortly, I will be back later to read more.

One thing I noticed is a typo but I think it is in the segment before this.

Please remove me from your plants (or smething similar).
I think you meant pants.

I am enjoying the humor we see as the item responds in such literal ways. Maybe I should say smart alecky way. We know just where that comes from, don't we.

I like it when a story has humor in it. It breaks up the tension so latr we can bring that tension higher until finally find relief.

Watching.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Chapter 3  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
And away he goes. Cliff hanger.

Poor Jon is really getting nervous as h ventures forth.

No errors. Theres a nice balance between dialgue and Jons thoughts and his actions.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Chapter 2  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi again Emily,

Oh my goodness. Our character, Jon, sure got a shocking revelation. Nice tension builds as he wants to see his Valerie.

It raises another sory question: why is he now lcked in? *Gasp

You definitly want that. Great job.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Blue,

I noticed yourvitem limk in newsfeed and took a look.

Wow, this peson did well losing 20 lbs and she really deserves a bit of praise for that. I dont recall if it said how long it took, but for me im lucky if I can maintain my weight.

Everything looks good as far as paragraph spacing, dialogue, and descriptions. I dont see any erors either.

This certainly shows how words can sometimes drage you down rather than lift you up. Sometimes you just have to be your own cheerleader.

I just wish Nancy could somehow not get discouraged. At te same time I realise there was a word count limit and it needed an ending.
Good brief read.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Chapter 1  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Emily,
I just read the first chapter and oh what fun it is to read! I get a clearer picture of what the city might look like. Keeping in mind this is a rough draft I hope you dont mind me me telling you what caught me off guard and what cool things I noticed.

I was at first a little confused because someone was calling him "babe". I realise tat there are people who call several others babe or even honey. I thought maybe it was his wife.

Also slice of light. I might have used sliver instead.

WHAT I LIKED:

* I totally like your chosen colors. It feels vibrant and refreshing.
* that part where he's up and crouched trying to look outside .

ahh my tablet is messing with me. Again. I had this happen before. It keeps sending me back to the beginning. I will try to fix it or just send you a mre complete private review in email.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. What a great story to tell. I feel a bit sorry that your dad hit you like that. Under extreme stress a person might react that way. Still he wasn't paying attention until it was almost too late.

He clearly thought of your safety and also probably how he would have felt to see you maimed and killed. He probably felt guilt and sadness,then anger that he put you in danger.

Kind if sad though that because you felt proud that you thought you a accomplished something even dad would have been proud of yet you had to feel the sting of his slap. Here you we're just wanting to spend quality time with your dad and this happens.

It was an innocent although dangerous mistake.

Good read. No errors.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Hard Times  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Thomas Seeker,

You can really see the emotion expressed in this item.
The person is tired of trying and wondering why nobody seems to be noticing the pain and loneliness and lost hope. The person feels flooded by emotion as many people do.

Thank goodness a positive voice is heard to encourage this one's plea for help and strengthen even the tiniest hint of faith.

🛐
13
13
Review of JUST ONCE  
Review by DnaDream
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Thomas Seeker,

This certainly had me thinking. It is straight to the point as it asks a question and makes a request that requires patience and time but also a cooperative mate.

There is a longing in this. Being so far apart whether by physical distance or other kinds can really feel painful.

Words can be meaningful but without effort it can be discouraging to the other person involved. Then again, no evident show of mutual feelings is too.

People tend to have pride or self doubt, which causes them to simply put on thier poker face or not listen closely enough.

One can only hope there's a breakthrough and both know for sure what they truly want.

They say patience is a virtue but it sometimes feels difficult.

It is easy to miscommunicate or not understand. They may say or do things that don't feel so great under pressure unintentionally or not.

Humans can often be like a intricate frustrating puzzle, and not complete with all but one missing piece.

Anyway,I may have overexplored this idea.
Thanks for sharing.
🙏



14
14
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello J.S. Downing,

I'm sorry that I missed the deadline for the review request. I am here now to do it anyway.

This item was written well. I didn't notice any errors as far as grammar or spelling (excet my own. Haha)

It is presented in a logical sequence of events and reactions. The dialgue is done well and t th e interrogation seems real.

We get a sense of place and an interesting dialogue going between these two people. What's fun is watching Tess take over the conversation and slowly reveal the uncle's place in all this.

I did have to read it twice to see if I might have missed some important details, because I didnt want to assume anything. I'm still wondering if this story is a part of something bigger.

The buildup is tension filled as I at first thought this was a cat and mouse game they were playing. I wasnt sure if that was your intent.

The characters felt real and each unique.

I came away thinking I knew who murdered the victim and at the same time was also thinking it was too obvious and therefore I was mistaken.

It just seems like a shame to develop these characters only to end the story so soon.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by DnaDream
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh boy. I'm familiar with this I'm right you're wrong stuff. I pretty much think it's all about perspective. Everyone tends to think they are right until they are proven wrong, unless they aren't wrong.

It also can be applied to public opinion and how hurtful a believed mistake can be.

16
16
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there,

This shows a lot of emotion and changes. It is something almost anyone can relate to.

Its wonderful to love and be loved in return and so utterly horrible when relatonships change and people dissappear.

Yet even if it changes sometimes it promotes growth if it can make the relationship stronger. It takes a lot of honesty and open communication.

Even a lifetime seems like such a long time to not share life with a loved one.
17
17
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi SoHoHophy

I just found this item and read it.
I must say your thoughts are well put and are food for thought. Im still gradping the difference between pantheism and panentheism through no fault of your own. I continue to seek as far as spiritual matters are concerned.

That being said, I did not see any errors and the format looks good in this item.

I liked the quoted parts and the examples of Patch Adams. I have not seen the movie.

Thanks for sharing this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Greenwillow Pass  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Emily, I just noticed this in your items.

I like it. It certainly has action in it as we see these two interact and we get to know them a little and their anticipation to meet up.

We see him gliding along thinking about his love and how things will be once he arrives.

Yet things take a turn that we don't quite expect. I can see how you ended it which makes us wonder if it's truly the end. Yet we know certain things already.

Thanks for the read. Good job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Pure Sci-Fi,
I'm not sure what this is for but it had me interested.
You started off in action, as the sword fighter inspected himself to make sure he was prepared for this fight.
I'm wondering why a thick heavy chain was attached to their legs. Is that so neither can get away?

I think some information was repeated. Kutan was the second best swordsman going up against the best swordsman. Seems kind of futile though knowing he will probably die since it's the law of Tatima.

He broke the law and now the King has no choice. Seems like there ought to be a better way or at least a different choice. Would these two possible say something before battle?

I think this could be done a bit different. How would each save face if they didn't kill the other?




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Greg Schuler,

I found your item and decided to have a closer look.

I have to say it certainly had me reading from one sentence to another, wondering what was going to happen next.

Things changed quite a bit from the beginning to end as we see these two exchange pleasantries and then barbs. I like that you kept it somewhat civil although they were unpleasant with each other.

The guy was out of line as his first negative comment was like being beat over the head with his message. I suppose there is no good way to share such a thing though. If he were really a gentleman I think he might have tried harder to win this lady over, then again maybe it's best he didn't as she got to see what he was like and vice versa.

Thought provoking piece. Good job on communication, nice form.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of I Wanna  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Patrick McDonagh,

I happened upon your item and decided to give it a whirl.

Mostly, what I wanted to say is WOW. What delightful message to someone special. I liked how you show this couple together sharing thoughts as he gives of his time and energy. It has a beginning and and ending like a story too.
Great job. I don't see anything that needs fixing. Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi I read your item and wanted to comment on it.

What I liked: I like that it has a rhythm to it. In fact while reading it, it felt like it was a song. I'm thinking part of it might be used as a refrain that would be repeated in the song.

Also it tells a story.

What I found a little confusing:
It started off with an interaction between two people.

Soon we realize its a couple. Even the neighbors noticed.
Then we are in her thoughts when she mentions >he wont throw away her damn blue jeans.

Anyway, nicely done. I like it.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of The Wood  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Doc,

I read your story and now will give my thoughts on it.

First I will say that I like the premise and reading it was easy enough. Secondly, there were a few easily fixed errors.

Here: Indian Medicine Manwho cursed the woods,
There shoukd be a space between Man and who


Here I would combine and reword to make this more concise. You wrote: Once our high school football hero, Bobby Richland, was dared to go in. Since he was the team quarterback and their leader they felt he should go in the woods.

Suggested edit:
Once, Bobby Richland, our high school football hero, was dared to go in since he was our team's quarterback and their leader.

HERE: The latest was two weeks ago when I I went back to get test results. (Doctor Badneuse or Doctor Who. *You get the idea) looked me straight in the eyes and said "You've got cancer."

I sat there and opened my mouth but was unable to speak. So many things rushed through my head.
After several minutes I said,"Are you sure? Maybe it's a mistake."

He laid his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry son, it's inoperable, but we can try chemotherapy."

(You could let your reader see his thoughts to know what hes feeling.)
So as promised I'm here.


Other suggestions: There were places where commas were needed in order to make the sentences clearer.

I think that a lot of this was telling rather than showing. By showing, it will help increase tension and let us see more clearly t th he setting. You could do that with descriptive imagery but also more dialogue.

You did great on proper line spacing between paragraphs, which are a decent length. The sentence structure was okay with varying lengths.

Overall well done. I just think with a few more details and editing this could be fabulous.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Waiting  
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Tanty,

The introduction draws me in wondering what's going on next. Each line brings up questions, and is answered in increments. It does feel tense.

In the first two sentences there are places where it needed words like (hoping) to get (a) message reply (to) my

And instead of telling I would show the person is worried. Think about physical things that indicate they are tense, scared or worried.

Do they bite their lip, sweat, pace, tap their fingers, bite their nails, fidget, or organise items on thier desk?

This helps the reader to envision the condition of the worrier. It also build tension.

*Example: I glance at the clock It's 2:00 a.m. Instead of sleeping, I'm awake. My skin feels sticky. I bite off the last bit of a hangnail on my pinky finger. I wonder if my pacing has worn patterns into the floor.

Sinking into a chair I stare at the blurring shadows of inanimate items in the room.

My last thoughts were Why has he not called? My eyes betray me as they slide closed. Just a few seconds of bliss.

Here is your version with a few edits.band some dialogue.--

I always worry if I haven't (heard) from him, because I know (of) his condition.

Heres my rewrite: The phone rings, my body jerks forward. My eyes pop open, I focus on the phone in my lap. It's him. "Hello? What happened? Are you okay? I've been a nervous wreck waiting."

"I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in three days. Nothing helps."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Tired mostly."

"Anything else? Ive been waiting for yur call."

I've got pains in my chest."

I knew he had tried many cures for insomnia without having positive results--warm milk, chamomile tea, and melatonin capsules. "You need to see a doctor. This isn't good. You need one now," I say.

"I'm sorry I didnt all. I couldn't. It's difficult to move around at the moment."

"I don't feel good about this."

He hesitated. "Don't worry. I'll be okay soon. I always am. In fact im starting to feel better already."

"I will pray for you. Please call for an ambulance if it happens again."

** I hope you get the idea with my examples. Feel free to use them or your own.
With some changes, dialogue, description and additional information you could build on this hint of a premise. We want to know more about these two people. We ant o know where they are in life, what they may have experienced, and what they d at this time.

Y yo u need to break up large paragraphs with a single line space between them.

Continue to write even if it needs revision. Let your imagination soar.

Thanks for sharing.






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by DnaDream
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Vijen,

I saw your item and read it and appreciate that you asked such a question.

It's not an easy one to answer as depending on who responds you might get different answers with opposing perspectives to choose from.

Honestly, I cannot really answer that and know for sure. I might say you are here to experience life as you will choose to.

I might also say you are a seeker searching and looking for your truth and true self. There is nothing wrong with that.

Thete are many people here willing to share thier own truth and faith in whatever we are here for.

I consider what i see or hear, but eventually only my heart tells me what feels right.

The only suggestion i have on this item is give it form. Also use periods or question marks at the ends of sentences depending on if its a statement or question.

I hope you find what you are looking for and wish you well.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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