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Review Requests: ON
3,528 Public Reviews Given
4,105 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look at the title, premise, overall structure first. Then I see how it makes me feel. After that, I might comment on little errors which are easily fixed.
I'm good at...
Hmm. Well you'd have to ask the one being reviewed what that be.
Favorite Genres
Paranormal, spy/detective, sci-fi, romantic suspense (hey I'm female and entitled). documentary, psychological and more.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything too gorey depending on how it's done. I don't need every little detail.
Favorite Item Types
First tell me what an item type is. haha
Least Favorite Item Types
An item has to make sense even if it uses fantasy ideas.
I will not review...
I don't like where some writer crammed six long chapters into one item area. I also don't like it if the paragraphs are so long you lose your place reading it. If you don't want me to lose interest and give up, break it up into sections and link it to the next exciting chapters. Nobody wants to sit through a detailed story for hours without a break.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Jon Blair,
I just read another chapter of
Matt Duggan Part 3.

This is getting even more ibteresting.

What I liked: I liked how you reintroduced the characters, plus you have a smooth transition when he arrived on the scene.

I didn't notice any glaring errors. I was too interested in the story if there was any.

I like how you end the chapters too. That last sentence makes the reader want to read more.

It's looking good.



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102
102
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello OOT,

Welcome back. I too took a rest from WDC, but then came back. So much has changed so navigating was somewhat tricky.

You'll get the hang if it before you know it. I look forward to reading some of your items.


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103
103
Review of Two Ladies  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello James Fillmore,

First let me say I like a good detective story. I especially like noir.

I would break the paragraphs up more.

* This could be a separate paragraph. Also, I felt it needed a line space and a comma. My suggestions are below.

I had an office downtown in a small Midwestern city. The name was not important; it was a town just like all the others. It was sweltering hot during the day(,) and the nights were worse.

*Idea* instead of telling us about the sweltering heat, you might want to show it in some way. Think about what we do when it's hot. Maybe he wipes his brow, takes a swig of the iced tea, or has a damp paper towel to swipe at his neck. Maybe his shirt sleeves are sticking to him. I did like how you revealed his approximate age and marital status.

It was the kind of summer that a guy, long divorced and pushing forty, realises that he could be living just anywhere and wonders why he is not able to move on.

*This raised a story question. Makes us curious. We must read on to find out why he's not able to move on.

* There are many paragraphs that are missing a line space between them.


I told her my daily rate(,) plus expenses(,)and what she had to pay as a retainer.

* You mentioned the Chinese store across the street, but then said you ordered a ham sandwich. Also the guy had fries. I may be wrong but I figured egg rolls might be on the menu, rather than ham sandwich and fries, but what do I know, it's your story.

The good news is it shows our guy there where Linda is. We wonder what he will find out about her.

I realise this is an excerpt, rather than a full story. I'm just sharing my thoughts on this section.

Continue on and let's see where this goes. Thanks for sharing.

This is a anniversary review. Have a good one.
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104
104
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello hdarling,

I just read New Garden of Eden.

This story allows the reader get a glimpse of what's out there in space and how it compares or is similar to our planet.

*Pencil* I'd start this off with both of these characters talking, preferably the main character.

I would reword sentences to make it more concise and immediate tense.
The instruments panelshowed lit up, revealing that the earth-like planet was in fact almost exactly like Earth. The sun, slightly smaller than Earth's, the sky was bright blue with fluffy white clouds scudded across it near the horizon. This Earth consisted of somewhat odd-looking broccoli shaped trees, and had clover on the ground, plus shrubs and bushes everywhere.


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105
105
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)




Hello Webwitch,

I just read No Appointment Necessary.

The title sure fits this little piece as we see our detective see people instantly.

I liked how "the dame" helped out.

Toward the end we see that our detective has made a decision about her while she's enjoying her steak dinner.


I like how things are coming along in the life of this detective. We see him in action and the dialogue is spot on.

I don't recall seeing any errors. I have have been to interested in the action.

This is one of your anniversary reviews. Have a good day.














Happy 15th WDC Anniversary.


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106
106
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Catherine Hall,

Here we see this piece , although not rhyming it is still has heartfelt meaning. A person's mother is an honorable one.

*Idea* I did note that you used the word gather twice. You might like to change one to another word meaning the same thing.

Keep going on it, it'll be perfect with just a few edits.

Nice how you show the mother as central drawing together her loved ones. Hope your anniversary day is grand.

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107
107
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Carly

I just noticed your story about your grandfather's visit and the bull moose.

How interesting that the moose came right up to him. That had to be a once in a lifetime moment. I might have been petrified.

I liked the background information about what both grandparents did while there.

Your story flowed well and was easy to understand.

I did feel that 'moose whisper' maybe should have been "the Moose Whisperer'.

Fun story to read. Thanks for sharing.



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108
108
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Brenpoet,

This was easy to read and understand as we see this stage of grief, when survivors do what they must all through the gloom.

The mood and sadness is expressed well I'm this poem.

I liked how you brought it to it's end showing the passing if time but also remembrance of the dearly departed. The daffodil and snowflake is a nice touch.


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109
109
Review of G&B Road Service  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Norman,

I got a kick out if this little arireum. The poem tells a story and we, the readers, are right there with the narrator.


The names are interesting Goober and Booger. And it fits.

The rythym in this is spot on. I mind of feel like I'm bouncing around on the road as I read it.

*Pencil* I only found one place that I felt needed one extra word.

And they’re the only service;
the others have shut down.
So G&B‘s the only tow
that you’ll find in this (old) town.

Fun read. Thanks for sharing.  


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110
110
Review of The Diagnosis  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello J.E.Allen,

I just read your story called The Diagnosis. Wow. It sure caught my interest as I saw Duncan deal with his dilemma.

I like that we got lots of imagery each place he went. Dialogue was spot on. When we started seeing what was happening at the end, it really added a new element to the story.

It looks like Duncan's daughter will have a lot to deal with, although will end up benefitting. Worse yet, upon investigation it will reveal what Linda was up to and cast new light on the case.

For a while, I thought the guy would pull off his face mask revealing it was someone these people knew. Although at least Duncan wouldn't know that, since it was just some guy outside the bar earlier. Might have been interesting to have that guy be someone that knows them yet they don't know him. Yeah might as well kill them both. And marry the daughter, Shelby, too.

Jk

When the killer pressed the play button was the irony of all Duncan had planned.

*Pencil* I found one place where I thought it needed an edit.
cherry wood floors
cherrywood floors (it's a type of wood with that name). It's easily fixed.

Thanks for sharing this.







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111
111
Review of Saviour  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello purepoetry,

I just read your work called Savior. What a loving tribute to your loved one.

Favorite line is:

She comforts me when I am torn.

Also the last line:

She loves me so and I do know
That nothing will keep us apart.

Other comments:

A love like this is priceless yet often seems to be rare. To recognize it and keep it strong takes energy and patience too.

Beautiful yet simply expressed. I saw nothing needing fixing in this item

Thanks for sharing.


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112
112
Review of A Night in 307  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Rima,

I just read your story'A Night in 307'. It reminded me of the story about a hotel in San Diego, California it too is haunted. Coronado Hotel, the third floor. Odd things occur there. Lights flickering, tv turning off and on, etc.

Many movie stars and presidents have stayed at the hotel.

Anyway, your story is well written, the format looks good, and your dialogue seems realistic too.

I like how the young man seemed to stutter.

The female spoke in a way with just the right amount of words.

It was nice to see that, at least this time, nobody died.

Good job.



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113
113
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Bourne Silver,

I just read your item--A World Without You. It's quite emotional, and is something that many people have experienced at one time or another. Some people's misery seems to dissipate, while with others is beneath the surface, and ready to erupt like a volcano.

*Pencil*

Here I felt it needed a word change:

there are praysprayers without concentration(,)
Even God has no time to hear them
(I don't necessarily believe this. I feel if there's a living God, then God listens and gears are very thoughts and knows our heart better than any, but that's beside the point)
Here's another place I thought might need a edit.
I wish I never be born at in it

* This last sentence says it all. This person is beyond sad. Truly in misery, unable to find a solution.

This is my world without you,
all the misery is mine
and Heaven disappeared without you
Making my life worse than death

Boy, do I get that part, yet I try to appreciate what joy I do notice and feel.

Thanks for sharing.






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114
114
Review of Madam Valise  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Adherennium,

I've just read these three parts, Mr Moonlight, Lafayette Kouri-Vini, and Madam Valise.

Each part is unique and yet something ties them together. And so it makes me curious to see this unfold, or rather come together, I soppose.

I like how Madam Valise conveniently disappeared into the suitcase. We don't need to know how or why, as it's truly unusual enough to consider it supernatural somehow.

I should takes notes. I tend to overthink on things like this. The question is where are these two going. So we must read on in the next segment.

Mr. Moonlight is quite an interesting man. He's straight forward, knows what he's doing.
I liked this part:

"You can drop me at the corner of Heartattack and Vine.


*Pencil*
What I did notice is that you usually didn't use a comma after the dialogue, and the next word after the quotation marks was capped.

I'm thinking it should be with a comma, and uncap the first word after the quotation marks, unless it's a name.

You may not agree with this and it's your story and your choice which way you use.

I look forward to see where this all goes.
Thanks for the read.


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115
115
Review of Imagined Thought  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello rickyj,

I just read your item again. I enjoyed it as it's mmm... What a the word? Not exactly linear. It feels like my thoughts are bouncing from one soft cushy cloud to another.

Part of the way I struggled with the examples, but then I found myself getting it. At least I think I did. Lol

I think that maybe showing two or more people interacting with this idea it might clarify the message even more. I've read that some people learn by reading things, others learn by sight, another might learn by hearing. Imagine if one person learned by utilizing all three. I think it would be quite powerful.

Not having enough information can be crippling too. And now I can't think of an example yet my visual say that to truly understand somebody's motives might lead to understanding, or even confusion, unless you know how to sort such things out.

That would require digging deep though. There's nothing worse than just having part of the information ir not knowing how to organize it into something we recognize and value.

I hope this making sense.

I only found a few errors in this. If I remember correctly it was where there was a you and your word. I'd read this out loud to find it.

Good to see you writing again.


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116
116
Review of Mr Moonlight  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Adherennium,

I was just reading this item and in intrigued. It sure has touched of mystery. Also the characters are unique and it seems so real.

The details in description creates a kind of mood and ambience to this.

Well done. I did see some areas which I thought needed commas. Unless I'm wrong about that.

Mr.Moonlight certainly has presence. He's straight forward in what he expects out of Maria.

We don't know what he's up to and why yet, and so this raised story questions. Not just that, the way he appears suddenly raises even more questions.

*Pencil*
* Self(-)satisfaction

Well I may be up half the night just reading each next story section but I'm fine with that.

Thanks for the read. I'm drawn in.


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117
117
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Amy,

I noticed it was your anniversary and I'm here to review your item.

You certainly have a wealth of useful information to offer other writers with comma problems. It's arranged to help writers go from lesson to lesson.

*Pencil* I did find a spelling error, but it can easily be fixed.

Bob tossed his poetry book all the way across the crow(d)ed library, and I caught it.

I read the first part several times, so I would remember the rules. I have had issues with commas, Sometimes I've placed them when I shouldn't.

Hopefully these lessons are taught slowly as it would otherwise feel overwhelming to someone with that problem.

Thanks for sharing these and happy anniversary.

P.S.whatever happened to Winnie Kay? I noticed she's not been on since 2002.

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118
118
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Miranda,

I noticed it was your birthday and am here to give you an anniversary review.

The title fits the items contents.

This poem reveals feelings that so many heartbroken people can relate to.

It's written with four stanzas, which is a decent length.

The gazing into the loved one's eyes enhances the piece.

There's longing expressed too.

I didn't see any thing that needed changing. Thanks for sharing.

Happy 2nd anniversary!

{image:1585921


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119
119
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jackknife,

I was looking in your portfolio and found this. Since it's your anniversary I'm doing this on behalf of Anniversary Reviews.

*Checkv* Title:The title is appropriate to the content

*Checkv* Premise: Tommy accidently strays from his mother. Gets lost, and finally recognizes some place he has visited and knows the person there. The twist in this kind of creeps up on you. Things are mentioned, but not fully registering bein the readers mind.

*Checkv* Later, we get that aha moment and then notice the subtle
foreshadowing. Great job on this

*Checkv* The actions and imagery also add to the storys journey.

*Checkv* Dialogue: we have just the right amount in this.

*Pencil* I did find a few areas needing editing. It has to do with commas and periods in dialogue.

Here it is:
Carrying the small body inside the owner mutters "That will teach you not to play in my dumpsters(.)"

About 10ten minutes later, the bearded man walks into the takeout place. "Good evening(,) Bill(,)" welcomes the owner(.) "How was your day?"

"Terrible. The poor little kitten I was following got away. He was so cute that I wasn't even gonna take him to the shelter. I guess I'll just have to buy my niece a toy for her birthday"

"That's too bad(.) Why don't you try the pepper steak tonight(?) A fresh shipment of meat just arrived(.)"

The climax did take me by surprise, yet brings the story to an end in a way that is interesting.

Reader comments: I remember hearing of something like this. I love ethnic foods, but not some.
It's rather "tasteless" and unappetizing to even think about the "fresh shipment of meat".

I must say that the chowmein, chop suey, or anything resembling meat wouldn't be my entree choice. In fact, I'd probably say, "Oops, I forgot to do something. I'd just like some Oolong or Jasmine tea to go, please".

Thanks for sharing and Happy 13th WDC Anniversary!

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120
120
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello PuppetMaster,
I hope I can get this review to you in time. I've been so busy that I've not done much of anything in here.

I like that it has dialogue and in some ways it's done well. I do think that their interactions came too easy.

I might have liked more imagery to indicate the moods.

In the beginning of this story. Victoria is newly wed, but soon she mentions that she and her children being neglected. Okay so now I noticed they are stepchildren. Youngsters I believe.

Im thinking that you need a transition to indicate some time has passed, so that it allows for instances where it shows her husband not being there for her or the children. You can show her wandering eyes alittle but, but maybe she'd not at first be so bold.


It would seem too soon to decided that things aren't working out well, but gradually it could be shown. Plus we'd see both of these oersonalitys exoressed.

Right now I'm not liking any of them.

I'm also thinking that having him admits what he did just like that isn't too logical. If it were me I might have let him try to sabotage but instead of the guy dying I'd have his wife die. Or at least make it seem like she did.

The way it is feels kind of forced. And predictable.

I do like the premise but I'd changed a few things ir at least show some redeeming qualities in at least one or more characters.

I get it that you're trying to show these people redeem themselves but it looks like everything that happens so easily.

I would complicate thier choices. Make it hard for them. Killing someone isn't like someone spilled the milk, and you clean it up, and say sorry.

Psychologically, accidently killing his own wife is one thing.

Maybe he had intentions of killing the guy, but changed his mind at the last minute, but unfortunately because of his actions, it or something elsecame true.

These women are drawn to powerful men, at least in their eyes they are, but things aren't always so peachy.

You have the story framework, but you need more details. Even some imagery and don't let them seem so easy. Stories need tension.

{R:pencil}~I found an error. I'm not sure if there's more

After the chapel service, everyone processed (I think you meant proceeded)


I hope this review helps and that you are encouraged to continue on with it. My thoughts on this are just my suggestions. It's up to you as to how you want it to read.

Thanks for the read.








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121
121
Review of Shimmer  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello readywriter,

I just read your item Shimmer. It's different than most prose.

The words you used help the reader get a feel for what you are expressing.

My take on this that we are all one with the universe. All is going toward the eternal plan.

It may be that moment in the bright light some people have talked about who experienced near death experiences.

This observance is brilliant and dazzling, it's like nothing we've ever really seen as a human, except maybe briefly and so we are dazzled and in wonder by it. I e seen something like this on a foggy day while the sun is rising.

*Pencil* The only thing that might need editing is for commas, you need some where's there an introductory clause, or conjunction. If you read it aloud you can tell by where your voice pauses briefly. Often it's needed just before and & but is.

Thanks for sharing this. Happy Anniversary!


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122
122
Review of Shimmer  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello readywriter,

I just read your item Shimmer. It's different than most prose.

The words you used help the reader get a feel for what you are expressing.

My take on this that we are all one with the universe. All is going toward the eternal plan.


It may be that moment in the bright light some people have talked about who experienced near death experiences.

This observance is brilliant and dazzling, it's like nothing we've ever really seen as a human, except maybe briefly and so we are dazzled and in wonder by it. I e seen something like this on a foggy day while the sun is rising.

*Pencil* The only thing that might need editing is for commas, you need some where's there an introductory clause, or conjunction. If you read it aloud you can tell by where your voice pauses briefly. Often it's needed just before and & but is.

Thanks for sharing this.



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123
123
Review of Sam Platte  
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Daisen,

I saw that you wanted a review of this item. I decided to give it a whirl.

You have some strong dialogue going in in this. I happen to live dialogue unless there's too much if it, but in this one part it feels right as we see these guys interacting.

And they are wary of the Kiowas, especially after Sam gives them the news. Sam seems to be quite the asset in this story beginning.

I liked the names you gave them and how the interact. It seems realistic.

I like that you have just enough imagery to draw readers in.

The names are interesting too. Each one is as unique as the little bit of personality we are seeing.

I'm kind of fond of westerns, especially the spaghetti westerns. It has to have an interesting story to it, and not too predictable.

I wonder what will happen next considering the Kiowas are active and doing the bird call signaling.

I also wonder what they're up to. It might not be what everyone thinks. These are story questions that can be answered later on, ir at least some of them.

Good job on the dialogue .
I liked this part.

What if you're wrong(,) Sam?" Kilkenney asked.

Sam smiled, even white teeth showing, "Well then, it's been nice knowin' you."

That last line is somehow humorous, but also explains a lotkind if matter of fact news.

Good job. Keep it up







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124
124
for entry "~A Column of Light~" 
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello ruwth,

I was just reading this item and can sense the emotions as you went through these things and also had flashbacks.

Unfortunately, sometimes parents don't present a good example. What makes it worse is when an innocent child learns that people do like, maybe not all people. What irks me is when they lie about lying. Had that happen. I knew someone was lying and confronted them. They still continued to lie. That told me two things. One, that people are good actors, and two, that I might never belueve anything they say again. We'll, I guess it depends on what kind of like it is, you know. What I would like to know is why they did it at all. Were they purposely being deceptive to avoid a hurt of another kind? Or was it totally hurtful and selfish?

In your case, it looks like those people have issues. We have to realise it's not us that are off kilter. It's not our problem so we shouldn't own it. That's in order to not let that create yet another problem. Easier said than done, right? But the only one, outside of God himself, we are the only person capable of looking after our well being. Our mind, body, and soul. God's love is pure. God knows all. Our purest part of our soul does too. How can it not, if we are if God's making. Yet, some people hate me when I say that, as if I'm arrogant.

Okay, as for the review part, what I did notice was a few commas errors.

Other than that I didn't see anything needing fixing. I was too engrossed in your story, if there were any other areas needing looking at.

I think you did a good job describing the feelings and actions, although I wasn't sure what kind of things the husband lied about.

I do think that my husband lied to me too. And he wanted to save face. Maybe thought I'd never forget. What bothers me about it as this behavior was learned from an authority figure. So basically they learned what they lived.

Hopefully, with time passing, these ones can learn that diesnt work out so well, but maybe some never learn. Okay make that some definitely don't learn even up til death occurs

But guess what God knows. And God's love can repurify and return that person to their true soul.

Thanks for the read.


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125
125
Review by ~SilverMoon~
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Renee,

After your gracious review, I decided to look in your portfolio and I found this one.

I knew I had to read and review it.

First, I will say the content is very good. Did you call her Grandma or a special name? I ask as sometimes using the name you used makes it feel even realer. If not, it's fine the way it is. Give them both names, whether they're real or not.

{I did find some errors where just a small change will work out well.

If you don't mind, I will show where the errors are and add in the suggestions. I use these ( And ).
I also will indicate paragraphing break it up and make it easier to read.

It has been eight years (in August) since my grandma had pass(ed) away. (She was) in a nursing home. I felt so bad that we couldn't bring her home to our house, so we could take care of her. She need(ed) a lot of care at the time of her death, because she (could)n't walk at the time. (S)he couldn't get out of bed, without getting some help from the nurses at the nursing home(.)

* Here I would start the next paragraph by adding linespace.)

I went to visit my grandma, after work. I could see that she didn't want to be at the nursing home. Grandma was use to driving and going places on her own(,) and taking care of herself(,) and my uncle, who live(d) with her.
And, now my grandma had to rely on nurses and other people.

* I didn't like the tense you used Because in other parts the tense changes as in (has to rely) It has to be one or the other throughout the story.)

As, I continued (to) visit my grandma in the nursing home, she seemed to grow progressively weaker each time. She had previously picked up an infection in her leg, which had brought her there in the first place and it wasn't healing properly.

* Do you see what I mean? Does it read better? Also I combined a few phrases to make it more concise.

A couple a days in the middle of August, on a Tuesday morning, I went down to see her again. When I walked into her room with the food that she had asked for, she didn't look at me for some reason. She seemed different somehow. I stepped out of her room and went out to the nurse's station to talk to the nurse.

And she told me, "I'm sorry, but she's dying. It's only a matter of time."

* Adding at least a little dialogue will really make this story come to life.*

I didn't want to believe her, yet things just felt different.

I walked back into her room. She told me that she couldn't use her hands to eat her food, and could I feed her.

*I would add your response here if this meant she asked you or if you asked her if you could. That to me is such a loving gift to feed her. I nearly choked up reading it.

"I love you. You take care of yourself and everyone."

* I might have added something she said about her time to go if she did say anything. Then maybe your response would be. "Please don't say that." Or you'd tell her you'd miss her if she has to go to be with the Lord. This might not be what either of you said to each other. But anything said at this time can bring in the held up emotions.

If you go on with any changes I'd keep those kinds of suggestions in mind.

Since I'm guessing it's a true story, you might not want to change any of it, and that's perfectly fine, but since you're new and are wanting to write. These are my suggestions, and this will work in other stories.
If you need more help I'd be happy to help with the rest, given that I have time.

This is a good start and a tribute to your grandma. If you review other people work, you will see what works and what doesn't. That's how we learn.

Thanks for sharing.


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