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I can see the band, see the dancers and hear the music. You've done a good job of painting that picture for me.
I can only guess what inspired the story but I imagine a girl caught up in the excitement drawn in by the charisma of the lead singer Stan, but now realizing it isn't her scene.
A possibility and not unpleasant. As a Christian, we believe something similar, I just not sure we get more than one chance. Frequently during my life, I have had feelings of deja' vu. Where could that come from?
It would be awesome to experience it all as you write about. Any race, any caste, any origin.
You have a right to your opinions, and I for one, love to here other peoples ideas about the world and life.
Fourth line from the bottom, "began there journey". there or their?
About half way through, I started thinking he was looking in the mirror and like the dumbass I am, I went back to the top and realized you stated it in the brief description...."A poem about what I see within myself."
It's kind of funny and maybe a little extreme but I've said the same thing a few times to that guy.
I couldn't find I any typos and I definitely found it amusing.
Okay, I reviewed your other poem and now have gone back to read what you actually asked me to do....sorry.
Also, I sent a reply asking where you were from and then read your "bio" and answered my own question.
Your prose is beautiful and as I often tell people when I review there work, I see pictures in my mind as I read words and your prose created a beautiful movie that I watched as I read your writing.
As I said in my last review of your poem, I am always unsure of the writer's intent and can only offer my opinion, but I saw these things and please ignore them if it was intentional.
Coding left in story ...."<br>"
A period followed by a comma......briny ocean.,
Did you mean to combine to and date?....used todate
If I could offer any criticism, it would only be my opinion.
I would like to see one break in the second paragraph.
Also "they're not in usage." I'm not sure of your intent and there seems to be much freedom in wording in poetry. I like "use" better but that is an opinion.
I make up things that paint a picture in MY head when I write and I'm not always sure the same picture is painted in the READER'S head. Example: "daylight dark" I put that in the poem you reviewed. There is no such thing as daylight dark yet to me it made me envision a forest that was so thick that it was almost dark in daylight.
Please whatever, do not take anything I said as negative criticism...it isn't. Great work!
Good job, almost a song with some of the repeating lines. Oh, if only you could take back what you say. At my age, I try more and more to practice thinking before speaking.
Anyways, I liked it. Congratulations and welcome to writing.com!
It seems like a good start to a story. It makes me ask lots of questions which might be your intent.
Questions like: more information about the guitar like which variation? Or maybe: why doesn't he have more than a week?
You might make the story more personal by adding names to the seller and to the pawnbroker and use them in your story. Example: Kevin Boyd walks into the pawn shop and tells the man behind the counter "I wanna sell this guitar,"
Because of the imagery your wording invokes, I see a movie in my mind. I see the walls, the run down tenement. I smell the decay and sense the hopelessness of the young girl. She's made some poor choices, perhaps has run away and now realizes she wants to go home.
I live in the desert and the worst for me are the centipedes. They sting here and move fast! Then the scorpion, definitely bad. Spiders abound. Brown Recluse is very poisonous. The biggest, the Tarantula. This one I kind of like and even held them in my hand.
Hmm, 29 words and I'm supposed to give a 250 character review. Got to think of some long words.
I was thinking maybe the word "you've" should have been "you're". "you've" is fine. I remembered from my bible "you've turned my mourning into dancing".
The only thing after much thought is that "some people are fire and they will burn you" and the subject of the prose is "so cold" so are they trying to justify that it is acceptable to burn people? Or that they would welcome being burned.
I can add no more. I found it interesting and I truly did read your story and try to dissect it.
Very close to perfect and how appropriate for me to be reading it this week. I just posted a story on here today about depression.
Great imagery and writing invoking the feeling of darkness and depression. I am yet to figure out why it's there or how to stop it and crave that knife that you found to cut that cord that still occasionally binds me. Surely I have cried enough tears to rust through the chains that I thought were holding me.
I am so pleased that you figured it out. Was it the abusive husband gone that finally set you free? I have an awesome loving relationship yet I still fall into the pit now and then and I'm pretty sure it's from my past. I still hope to someday be beyond it.
You've been here awhile. I clicked "Read a Newbie" and now I realize this is a "Random Review".
Apparently at the time you wrote it, 8 years ago, you might have been a Newbie.
Who am I to review anything written by someone as experienced as you are? I can't remember, did they have computers in 2006? Any how you were looking for the same thing I was just 8 years ago.
This caught my attention.
I am not knowledgeable about the proper way of writing poetry but the way it was written was different from much that I've read and I liked it.
Sometimes when I read poetry it is a challenge to figure the writer's intent. What I surmised was that his accomplished warriors were "perspiration". Lol, you may laugh at me if I was incorrect.
Such a great portrayal and illustration of depression. Thank you so much for sharing and keep on writing!
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