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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dominimon777
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4 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
for entry "Chapter Three
Review by Kirby Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Just got through Chapter 3, and it was quite the eventful chapter with the most world-building yet. I think what I liked most was how visiting Fate is so common place that, despite the fact the characters are seeing a goddess, they think little of her and she is shown just the barest amount of reverence. I also like the idea that the pegasi have no need to visit her.

One thing I wasn't a fan of, however, was the following paragraph:

"Dusutri did not own space in the Kingdom. Nor the Dark Elves - violent, underground cousins to Tyalfyn's kin - or the droogs (often called Dark Dwarves.) All three detailed reasons for staying out of the Kingdom, from equality issues to religious differences, which resulted in unprovoked violence toward members of the Kingdom."

This feels very outdated to make the "dark" races aggressive and violent compared to the people in the Kingdom. They could be marginalized if you so chose, but to call their attacks "unprovoked" does not look good, especially in this day and age.
2
2
for entry "Chapter Two
Review by Kirby Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
The story remains interesting, and I like the world-building and chemistry going on. Coleous and Atalixsphere have a fun dynamic, and the idea that neither are all that good at flying is cute and fun. Tyalfyn not having the same dream as the others was a nice touch, though I am curious about this 'Calissa' he mentions and why that seems to upset Mianda (I assume it upsets her--it's unclear what she felt).

While I generally enjoyed the world-building, I did find the stopover in Farettsi a little redundant or pointless. If the characters aren't going to do anything of note, it would be best to skip over it until you can explore it a little more.

I am still very intrigued by what's going on, and I can't wait to see where things go from here!
3
3
for entry "Forward
Review by Kirby Ray
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very intriguing set-up! I like how you're able to describe the characters without needing to go into lengthy detail--all you need is this dialogue to tell you that they are immortals and lovers, and that one is bold (but potentially reckless). You've got me curious about where this leads!
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