DS's (donseptico) Reviews

DS

Review Requests: ON

211 Public Reviews Given

215 Total Reviews Given

1

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#4830214

Review of The Thirteenth Seat

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi from a random read & review.

An interesting POV take showing a familiar tale, allowing readers to experience the 'pivotal moment*' through the eyes of an observant but peripheral character.

*Depending on your views on the accuracy of the source material.

Well written, full of lyrical prose that uses short, declarative sentences interspersed with more poetic passages, creating a rhythm that reflects the narrator's 'youth'.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4830054

Review of Work

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi from a random read & review.

A nice reminiscence of a 'long lost' world, family, etc.

To be blunt, 'Work' does rather resemble a wall of text - possibly courtesy of WritingML mangling an uploaded document, still easily rectified - Breaking into paragraphs, with spaces between, would drastically enhance readibility.

Also, while there's some order to things, it does 'ramble' somewhat. On a positive note, this adds somewhat to the charm, echoing the hazy nature of youthful memories but, conversely, has the reader trying to follow multiple threads simultaneously.

It may be that I'm just sleep deprived, having just got off the red-eye, but while the subject is potentially interesting, technically this doesn't quite hit the mark for me.

Address the presentation issues, and maybe consider 'fleshing out' the descriptions/memories and you'll be on to something.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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#4829803

Review of A Delightful Day

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

Overall, a solid start, with a very relatable situation, character and character dynamics (poor grandma having to 'chase' Susie round!). Grandma is quite believable - the 'cunning plan', the mix of pride and horror as Susie helps clean up the park, and 'devious mode'- works every time - Ice cream!

Notwithstanding, I assume, a tight word limit, could use a little polishing here and there. There's some redundancy, and the 'flow' is a bit 'jerky' in places:-

The initial sentence, for example, runs on a little - and could be reorganised slightly to improve flow:

e.g. "Walking in the park, usually one of my favorites. I love the park, birds, squirrels, other people who wave hello, but don’t start chattering (like my neighbors…) Today I had Susie, she’s my granddaughter."

Walking in the park is usually one of my favourite things to do. I love the park, the birds, squirrels and the people who wave hello. And today I was sharing it with my granddaughter Susie.

Again, for flow/clarity... a pronoun to avoid the close repetition, only to emphasise the lack of urgency in replacing the defunct device.

"...would have been TV, but my TV was broken and since I usually watch re-runs," --> ...would have been TV, but that was broken and since I usually only watch re-runs,

And... "She ran back to me like she was running a marathon!" --> Marathon, to me, implies slow & steady, going the distance... so maybe something like She sprinted back to me like the wind (a bit generic), or tie it back to the ice-cream itself She ran back to me like she was worried there'd be none left!

And, finally, "Sitting at the table, after some required lunch, but after, having lovely ice cream for dessert! we got to talking" reads as a little clumsy to me --> Sitting at the table enjoying a delicious ice-cream, after the required lunch, we got to talking.

In conclusion, "A Delightful Day" presents a charming and relatable narrative that captures the joys and challenges of spending time with a grandchild. The character dynamics between Grandma and Susie are both believable and engaging, providing a delightful glimpse into their relationship. While the story has a solid foundation, addressing the flow and clarity in certain sections will enhance the overall reading experience.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4829501

Review of Tell Me, Said the Elephant...

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi,

Notwithstanding that this is a great couple of scenes, well crafted, replete with detail, believable dialogue (full of subtext), etc., etc., I was sitting here for more than a little while trying to figure out how it related to the prompt...

And then, I think, it finally clicked - the elephant in the room, the secret hanging over them all... assuming my tired brain's figured it out, I tip my hat to you - very creative response to the prompt.

Good luck with the contest!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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#4829500

Review of “Tell me,” said the Elephant

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A light-hearted conversation between an elephant and, I assume, a human - nice rhythm, love the back and forth, and the little flourishes (like the elephant icon), and the scientific link up.

Good luck with the competition.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

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#4829486

Review of The Attic Window

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and reviewer:

This short piece creates a peaceful, meditative atmosphere, the transition from daylight to twilight provides a natural narrative arc that mirrors the emotional journey from solitude to companionship.

The writing is competent with good command of descriptive language, with pacing that works well for the contemplative tone. There are several good examples of 'show don't tell' in action (e.g. the scene with the kitten approaching and rubbing up against the narrator's leg).

That said, given the 'simplicity' of the piece, some of the language/phrasing may be a touch too, umm, poetic - simpler language might be more effective.

Also, while you generally use 'show don't tell' well (as above), there are further areas where it could be applied:

e.g. "The day's lingering restlessness melts away, washed clean by the hush of the country night and the sincere warmth of this tiny creature, peacefully dozing in my lap"

You could, instead, have shown the narrator's breathing slowing and deepening, described muscles relaxing, shoulders losing their tension, show fidgeting hands slowly stilling / settling into a gentle rhythm of stroking the kitten.

e.g. The knot in my chest slowly unravelled with each of the kitten's soft breaths, and the tension in my shoulders melted away as my hand moved to trace gentle circles through the kitten's fur as the last of the day's light disappeared over the horizon.

Overall? Solid, if modest, that could benefit from a little polishing in places.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

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#4829470

Review of Thoughts of November

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi from a random read and review, apologies for any poor typing, trying to do this on my phone.

This short story demonstrates a thoughtful engagement with Henry Rollins' quote about November, both the month and as a metaphor for our dotage.

You explicitly acknowledge November's ability to make "time feel hurried and unapologetic" and the human response of filling one's days with deliberate, meaningful activities - giving several concrete examples to illustrate.

The seasonal meditation works well as a framework. The narrator's progression from observing autumn's beauty to engaging with community and finally achieving philosophical acceptance mirrors a genuine attempt to slow time through mindful presence rather than mere busyness.

The sensory details are vivid and effective - "golden kaleidoscope" of leaves, the "chill in the wind," and the tactile descriptions of neighborhood decorations create an immersive autumnal atmosphere.

The story's emotional arc from restless observation to peaceful acceptance feels authentic, especially in the final realisation that time is "a companion, guiding me through the different seasons of life."

Thag said, some sentences feel unnecessarily convoluted / could be tightened / polished.

e.g. The opening to the second para, following "...
we prepare for nature's next sleep.":

"To counter this relentless march of dark renewal, we allow, no, we insist upon celebrating the seeming death of nature's surroundings." -->

To counter this relentless march we allow, no, we insist upon celebrating the seeming death.

Overall Assessment:

The story succeeds in its primary goal of responding meaningfully to Rollins' prompt. It captures the melancholy beauty of November while demonstrating how intentional engagement with art, nature, and community can transform our relationship with time's passage.

However, the execution could be tightened. The prose needs editing for clarity and precision, and some of the more philosophical passages would benefit from subtlety over explicit statement.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

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#4829297

Review of Walsingham Pilgrims

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi from a random read and review (just a few years post publishing):

You've crafted a poem that successfully captures the devotional/religious atmosphere of a pilgrimage to Walsingham, the stanzas following a clear narrative arc (arrival --> experience --> fellowship --> departure).

Grounded in Catholic imagery that's, at least somewhat-even if the details are hazy, familiar to me - stations of the cross, Simeon's prophecy... your tone is reverent but also warm and communal, balancing solemn devotion with joy in fellowship.

Though I can't help but wonder if changing the tense of the opening ("On foot, by bus and train and car, we came,") would set a more reminiscent tone that might work better in context?

You might also consider more sensory details — the sound of bells, scent of incense, flickering candlelight — in the image that you're creating - which could make the experience even more immersive.

Overall, the it's well written and moving with some small room (in my subjective opinion) for minor improvements - well done.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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#4829074

Review of Offstage

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

OK, very first impression is that this short piece rather resembles a wall of text - which very well may be down to WritingML if, for example, you've uploaded a document. At least it's an easy, if tedious, fix to edit in the spaces between paragraphs, after dialogue, etc.

Overall Impression

Your story is an engaging and relatable political / social commentary, contrasting a leader’s lofty rhetoric about cleanliness and morality with his own hypocrisy.

It’s a strong moral allegory, with a sharp ending. The image of the leader throwing litter out the car window after a speech about cleanliness is both ironic and damning.

The gap between words and actions of those in power, fictional or real, should be universally relatable.

The sceptical, innocent youth grounds the scene well - providing a counterpoint to the political/religious speech of the leader, and the fervour of the crowd.

That said, there's the odd place with an issue with spelling, grammar or missing word(s):

e.g. "But is it not HE who promised to build a girls' high school in this area during the previous election campaign? And he did not even fulfill (fulfil) that promise," said a young boy rolling his eyes. (*spelling may be US vs British English)

Pacing could be improved, it slows down somewhat in the middle - although this may, in part, be due to the formatting.

You could try trimming some of the repetitive reminders that he is “an asset to the nation”, for example...

And/or, simplify some lines: “There was truth indeed. But he also knew that great people use truth as their slave to enslave others.” -->
“There was truth, yes — but he knew great people often use truth to enslave others.”

One other thing you may consider would be to keep the focus on the boy - have him witness the hypocrisy (littering), and react accordingly, his silent anger could make the ending more impactful.

Rating? Overall, the central irony and social commentary herein are strong and memorable, but the narrative would benefit from some polishing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

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#4828991

Review of Mars Cat

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Apologies for any bad typing, trying to comment while on a moving train not ideal with my fat fingers!

Something tells me this is a better fit for the prompt than my 'nonsense' - you actually use the correct prompt for one thing!

I like the juxtaposition of cute, fluffy terrorist invader - but don't see much, literal, connection to the aliens / mechanised forces of (HG)
Wells' martians - rather than Orson - unless I'm misremembering the book/movie.

The rhythm feels a little awkward in places, in my accent at least, but consistent rhyme scheme, good imagery, nice narrative arc from discovery to tiny terror.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

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#4828743

Review of Cursed Ghost

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Interesting - the narrator's voice feels suitably theatrical (and self-deprecating), with many nice touches - tho I particularly liked "I slept on stage, I promise, just one time" - makes him feel very real / relatable.

Creative and technically strong, whimsical in nature - transforming what could be a grim cautionary tale into something quite gentle and endearing.

(Had to google - as it felt so grounded in reality, but no, no 90-year-old Duncans dying on stage)

One query (which I've left for your amusement as I've answered my own question): It's late, and my eyes aren't working well... "Though I was near to nine-ty, tired, then," = 9 syllables...

*comes back from reading about Iambic Pentameter Variants

Oh :D

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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#4828665

Review of Part 107

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

The raw emotion in your writing is both evident and authentic, and there's something to be said for documenting personal struggle. The frustration with algorithmic systems and platform dependencies reflects real modern anxieties that many people share.

That said, and notwithstanding that there may have been deliberate stylistic choices involved to present as you have, there are a number of areas you could look at to strengthen this piece poetically, some more significant than others:

The poem lacks consistent meter or rhyme scheme, reading more like a list of grievances arranged in couplets. While free verse can be powerful, this piece doesn't come across as intentionally breaking from traditional forms - you could, for example, use enjambment (yeah, I only learnt that word yesterday!) to more clearly create tension or emphasis:-

Went to take my drone exam—the gate
you kept locking, cost $175
non-refundable. I scheduled
three times. You
do the math.

The language used is primarily prosaic and literal, missing out on the metaphorical or vivid imagery that one typically finds in poetry.

The poem's tone is understandably frustrated, but it presents a worldview where external forces are entirely to blame for the speaker's difficulties - creating a sense of learned helplessness rather than agency or growth, which limits the poem's emotional impact and relatability.

Every setback is attributed to external sabotage without considering personal responsibility - the addition of some self reflection could help elevate the piece significantly.

Further, several of claims strain credibility / credulity - that "Elon has my inheritances," that companies are specifically targeting this individual, or that Amazon "stole" payment, for example.

Of course, there's no reason the writer wouldn't feel that way (many people do feel targeted by such companies and algorithms), these assertions come across as 'conspiracy-like' rather than legitimate grievances, or emotional responses which undermines the poem's persuasive power.

Overall? There's something there - the foundations if you will, but requires significant development (in my subjective opinion).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

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#4828655

Review of Vacation

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review,

You've found a neat way of fitting the, presumptive, required words into what appears to be a contest entry. Not always easy to do - so a good start there.

The rhyme scheme is consistent, courtesy of some colloquial phrasing which, again, fits the chosen theme.

That said, the language/imagery chosen is very direct, which is not necessarily bad, but some metaphor/lyricism would add something that I feel is missing here:

e.g. A very quick couplet that I'm sure you could make much better...

Nigerian waterfall, liquid stairs full of grace-
Would, in its majesty, your soul embrace.

And, again whilst not inherently bad, the rhythm/meter feels a little off/rushed in places and would, imo, benefit from being smoothed out a little.

Overall, a good start that doesn't quite hit the mark (yet!).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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14 days may be credited.

#4828600

Review of Potato Candy? You Bet!

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi from a random read and review:

I can't say I'm overly tempted to try this recipe, I'd probably use left over mashed potatoes to make potato cakes of some variety - but to each their own.

That said:-

Given your international audience, it might be worth giving measurements with the addition of 'non-American' specific units (e.g. grams, celsius) and, employ standard abbreviations for same (tsp. - teaspoons).

Further, whilst a 'pinch of salt' is fairly ubiquitous, a weight of chocolate might be useful (for the anally retentive instruction followers) as squares come in different sizes/volumes.

For presentation - you might consider separating each instruction into its own line, and/or use some conjunction to reduce the number of lines.

Small typo btw: Pack into a greased, 8x8 loaf tin... and include all of the steps (for the aforementioned anally retentive) even if should be self-evident: e.g. "melt the chocolate over boiling water (or in a microwave)" appears to be missing.

To whit:

Grease and line an 8x8 loaf tin.
Combine potatoes and butter in bowl.
Sift sugar and beat thoroughly.
Add vanilla, salt and coconut.

Melt the chocolate over boiling water (or, carefully, in a microwave).
Pack mixture into prepared loaf pan and spread melted chocolate over the top.
Chill until chocolate is firm then cut into bite-sized(?) pieces.
Store in the refrigerator in a sealed contained for up to ??? days.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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#4828594

Review of that moron makes my fears go away

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review.

While this feels very much like a continuation of something that's gone before, it was easy enough to pick up and follow... Although questions arise, possibly answered elsewhere, such as 'Why Sora doesn't / can't speak'.

The narrative is well structured and comfortably paced as we learn about the 'natural' rebuilding of a relationship between Sora and Sian, tho no indication as to the cause of the breakdown - again, possibly explained elsewhere.

There's not much in the way of world building, as the piece is almost entirely dialogue/monologue driven. Notwithstanding which, it's a thoughtful piece that explores themes of isolation, self-sabotage, and the patient persistence of friendship.

The dialogue, and Sora's internal monologue, are solid, but both - along with the narrative - feel a little stilted/clumsy at times.

Some examples:

"The man who hanged out with me..." -- hung out with;

"who I would only find on accident," -- find accidentally (or stumble across accidentally)

"Since we live nearby, we took the same walking path." -- Since we leave near to each other, we followed the same path.

Overall? A decent effort with room for small improvements / polish here and there, and scope for continuation.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

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#4828574

Review of Population Two

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A lovely lyrical quality, that had me humming a folksy tune from the second line.

A great story arc, with a dark/sinister twist that fits the prompt (thriller/suspense) perfectly.

Best of luck with the judges tomorrow ;)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4828559

Review of Blind Day

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

I'm a little torn here as I'm not quite sure what you're trying to achieve.

IF you're attempting to present a 'Tween's journal entry' fictional diary, type thing, you've done so very well.

IF, however, this is a factual piece, then I'm afraid it falls short in a number of areas.

Either way, it's a very personal, stream-of-consciousness piece of writing that gives insight into the author's day, frustrations and immediate future plans.

If the former, you mimic the style and language of a tween admirably - I remember seeing such prose from my 5th and 6th grade students, back in the day, from the informal, conversational style to the, presumably deliberate, grammatical and spelling errors (e.g., "littrally", "rlly") & use of text-speak abbreviations (bc, etc.).

Conversely, the same informality, errors, etc significantly detract from the presentation / professionalism of your writing.

No matter your intent, however, you may wish to standardise some of the spelling and grammar (for the benefit of your readers), add more context about the events and clarify some of the more ambiguous statements.

One further suggestion - if you can spend some time reviewing, to collect GP, you could buy an upgraded membership that would allow you to collate such entries into a blog - making a more cohesive whole.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4828557

Review of Whispers of Silence

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

Let's start with the one minor, pedantic niggle I have - which I realise is purely subjective / stylistic - as scenes, the four parts of your story work exceptionally well; as chapters, however, I feel they're lacking in depth (but that's more to do with my expectation when I see 'Chapter X'... than anything you've actually written).

As I alluded to above, the individual scenes work beautifully - they're full of lyrical, poetic language that transforms a simple encounter into a profound meditation on human connection - a moment of childhood innocence, contrasting against the brutality of war, that lingers for a lifetime.

You portray the wordless relationship between Eline and Arman beautifully, with a plenty of nuance in your exploration of childhood resilience within the war-torn environment, and Eline's disability, all without reducing Eline to a stereotype.

Overall, it's a deeply moving narrative that captures both the trauma of war and the pure potential of human connection that leaves a bittersweet feeling that lingers long after reading.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4828549

Review of A Rank Horror: A Tragic Lunacy

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

This poem presents a complex interplay of themes, including morality, economic principles, and societal values.

You employ emotive, vivid language, particularly in phrases like "Revoltingly dishonorable" and "ineffective splendor," evoking strong emotional responses from your readers. The overall tone is assertive and critical, with the use of contrasting terms enhances the tension between ideals and reality.

Structurally, varied line lengths and continuation of ideas from one line to the next (there should be a word for that... oh, google says there is! Enjambment) creates a dynamic reading experience however;

The pacing does feel a little uneven in places, and some lines may be too obscure/abstract, making it difficult for readers to grasp the intended message fully (myself included) e.g. "the total expungement of unifying displays", or confusing through seemingly random shifts in tone (from the critical to the abstract).

Overall, the poem is thought-provoking and rich in imagery, but its ambiguity and tonal shifts hinder its accessibility somewhat.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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#4828440

Review of Altering the Epiphany in Joyce’s Araby

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi from a random read and reviewer!

Notwithstanding that I haven't read Araby, Overall this appears to be a thoughtful and nuanced literary analysis that offers a creative reinterpretation of a classic text.

You methodically breakdown the original and proposed texts, and use clear, well-organised sections to build a compelling argument all while maintaining engaging prose.

You've written eloquently with a predominantly academic tone, mixed with moments of almost lyrical insight.

e.g. "His journey through the darkness does not end in paralysis but in preparation—a recognition that even in disappointment, there is the seed of a brighter path ahead."

Uses metaphor and poetic rhythm to create a sense of movement / transformation that should be almost universally relatable.

That said, the proposed changes, while interesting, appear to deviate from Joyce's intentional artistic vision and risk imposing a contemporary perspective onto a historically specific narrative.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

21

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#4828435

Review of Irish Heaven

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi from a random read and reviewer (a mere 6 years late)...

Your limerick's structure is fine,
In terms of meter and rhyme,
The humour's quite witty,
Mostly fit for this ditty,
But, do stereotypes cross the line?

OK, there's a reason not to write rhyming reviews!

Less poetically - a good entry, even if it does somewhat rely on a number of Irish stereotypes which some, I suppose, might find offensive (not me!). Good job.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4828288

Review of Sunday

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Sounds like a happy Sunday afternoon (underwater tutu paints an interesting mental image).

It's hard to rate these short pieces, I almost always feel something could have been done a little differently (even if I can't express precisely what/how)...

"Dance of splashing, sweat bead" is that line here... it feels a little, idk, sedentary? Dancing, splashing, falling sweat bead maybe? (Sorry, I'm rambling)

Anyhow, great entry that I enjoyed reading.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4828258

Review of The Lesson

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi from a random read & reviewer (odd, I've just noticed the same 'old faces' seem to keep coming up!).

An awful lot of story in so few words. Given the word limit, the lack of explicit context is entirely understandable.

Skillful use of dialogue hints at a deeper narrative involving family dynamics, trust, and perhaps a rite of passage related to driving.

The dialogue effectively conveys a sense of familiarity and warmth between the characters, suggesting a close mother-child relationship, while the underlying tension regarding the child’s driving and the mother’s reassurance is both relatable, and adds depth to the scene and characters.

The mention of making lasagne implies more again, a nurturing aspect, about the mother’s character.

24

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#4828257

Review of “ We Give Praise “

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi from a random read & reviewer.

The passage presents a spiritual and poetic expression of reverence towards a divine figure, apparently intended to convey themes of praise, mercy, and the relationship between humanity and the divine.

The text captures a sense of devotion and reverence, which can resonate deeply with readers who share similar beliefs, with an emphasis on mercy and glory reflecting core Christian values.

Phrases like "Mighty Throne" and "O, LORD OUR SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST" evoke strong visual and emotional imagery, enhancing the spiritual tone.

However, the structure is somewhat disjointed, making it difficult to follow the flow of thought - i.e. the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and one line appears to stop mid-thought "...praise and his".

Further, the phrase "his will and his mercy" and variations of "mercy" are repeated, which may dilute the impact of the intended message.

There are also grammatical issues, such as "were" instead of "where," which can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.

Overall, heartfelt but could be significantly improved.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

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#4828253

Review of Pause

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Angel, this just came up as a random read and review;

These are some thoughtful lyrics that emphasise the importance of appreciating life's beauty and the moments we often overlook. The message encourages mindfulness and living in the present, reminding us that it's not just about the destination but the journey itself.

Your words have a very obvious lyrical quality to them, and I'm sat here humming a couple of different tunes as I read and re-read.

Consequently, there are a few of lines I'd probably tweak if it were my song... The tune you're 'hearing' will almost certainly be different, so take the following with a large pinch of salt (shovel?).

Of a road on the side of a mountain? --> Of the road, 'pon the mountainside? (a touch more poetic)

Did you ever stop to smell one? --> Did you ever stop to smell just one? (emphasises the singular experience)

Do you see all that lies between them? --> Do you see all that lies between? (adds a layer of abstraction - literally the physical things that lay between, but now also time, space, emotion, etc)

Wild roses bloom on the shoulder in May --> Wild roses on the shoulder, every single May (add emphasis to the recurring nature of the roses)

Overall, good imagery, but might benefit from less ubiquitous metaphors. The original, and these suggested revisions, work musically, and whether tweaks are needed/desirable would depend on the tone and style of the song.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .