*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dovetail
Review Requests: OFF
9 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, that was a unique twist. You should expend this into the whole 15 years of chasing the guy.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sweet little poem. I'm a Christian, not of the same faith as you, but I thank God all the time for my favorites in food. My husband says he doesn't see me smile that much as when I have a food that's a favorite I haven't had in a while. Too often we forget to appreciate the little things.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sweet, heartwarming story for the writing contest.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story made me smile. It was a little confusing at first, but I looked a few words up and realized it's about a small village in India. I like how it turns out that the brother had a hand in helping her to pursue her real love, supporting her. Also, enlighting for someone not familiar with India to learn a little. I had to look up the touching the feet thing, and what a bindi was and what it's for.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Man this made me sad. I'm from the US, never been to Northwich, we took a trip to Buckingham Palace, London and stayed in Manchester when I was a child for a few weeks, my only trip overseas. But It's sad when a little place loses its history, its memories, and with it its heart and charm.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You're a strong writer. Yes, school would tell you you're an average writer because they're caught up in the "but is he technically correct" aspect, anyone can be technically correct, not everyone can be creatively strong. Your strength is in the harder part, and that's what they have reviews and editing for anyways.

You stayed consistent with your subject, your concept is good, your ideaology is good, paragraph structure is good, spelling is better than average on many words a lot of people would mispell, and any mistakes you did make are either technical (easily fixable for an editor or even a casual reviewer and almost no work for someone to do, if they're patient) or mistakes that anyone would make.

What you struggle with is technical execution and mechanics, which is pretty normal. What most writers stuggle with is concept, what you refer to as daydreams, and coming up with content and plot and etc, which is what writers refer to as "writer's block", where the ideas just don't come.

That writers block, is exactly where I get stuck with the novel I'm trying to write, I have the technical mechanics, but, I don't have the "daydreams creative aspect" like I used to, and several times, I know what I want to do next with my book, I can't "daydream" it, I can't seem to picture it or come up with what is right for the part. It's happened several times and its my biggest frustration with NOT just scappring Trickster and giving up. Don't lose that, the creativity, the daydream, because without that, no matter how much grammar, spelling, technical mechanics or punctuation you know, your writing is dead. The part where you are strong is the most important part, the part that a story or writing at all can't live or survive or succeed without.

Technical execution is easily handled with an enditor, and your content, and your ideas are good. If your writing is weak in any area (and ALL writer's work is weak in areas, this just comes with the territory of being a writer) this is the best place for it to be weak in, and the easiest to work with, even if it means working with an editor so that you can provide the ideas, the content, and they can do the polishing. It's much easier to have someone polish something over technical mechanics than it is to form concept, and your content and concept forming is great.

A few side details...

When writing, if you put in numbers as 7, writing should be consistent throught the piece. You can use 7, or seven, but if you choose to type it in the number or the word, the whole work should be typed consistently the same, either number or word.

Also, you switch point of view, his, talking about yourself in the third person, and I, talking about yourself in the first person, and tense, past tense, and present tense. This, like number format, should stay consistent depending on if you're talking about current or past. In the beginning, it's fine to use present tense, because this is now and you're thinking back, but when you're thinking back, that is now in the past, memory, so past tense.

Don't let the grammar and the "in the lines, by the book" elitists stop you from what you're good at. Continue writing, and let the reviewers and editors polish it up, there is no reason to deny the world of your creativity over something so trifling of a detail. That would be the tradgedy.

I took the liberty of going ahead and doing the editing part.

* Its a question that the day dreamer thinks about from time to time .Thinking about the answer has cause him to look back at how he starting writing.
- Feels a bit redundant. Reword suggestion - It's a question that the day dreamer thinks about from time to time. He looks back to when his writing began.

* The truth is writing kind of annoyed him.
- The truth was, writing kind of annoyed him.

* The journal attempts failed because he though he didn't have anything interesting going on in my life
- his, not my

* Often time would run out before he could finish and when he did I usually got a average grade.
- Often, time would run out before he could finish, and when he did he usually got a average grade.

* On occasion he would get a eight out of ten or a 7 out of ten but those where few and far in between.
- On occasion, he would get a eight out of ten, or a seven out of ten, but those where few and far between.

* Honestly, with the way he wrote sometimes, my friends are surprised he pasted grammar at all.
- Honestly, with the way he wrote sometimes, his friends were surprised he passed grammar at all.

* He have a friend who writes poetry.
- He has a friend who writes poetry, or had, depending on if this person is still his friend or not.

* This friend has a command over words that really make you feel the emotions he wrestles with in his life. Its something the day dreamer wish he had but he didn't .It least not as well.
- This friend has a command over words that really makes you feel the emotions he wrestles with in his life. It's something the day dreamer wished he had, but he didn't, at least not as accurately.

* Now daydreams, those were always there.
- Now, daydreams, those were always there. Comma between now and daydreams, because if this were spoken, there would be a slight pause between saying now, and daydreams.

* In a time where the internet and cable TV were regarded (at least by him) as things only found in well off households, he and his best friend would spend their after school afternoons acting out adventurers in fantasy worlds, daydreaming about epic adventures, facing terrifying foes, and saving people.
- Delete comma as it's one fragment of a thought, insert parenthases because its a thought within a thought, and an and goes between the 2nd to last and last item of a list after the comma.

* The type of stories you would expect from children that age.
- The type of stories you would expect from children at that age.
Sounds more consistent with the flow of the piece.

* Sometimes based on other stories they seen, other times they were world entirely of their own creation
- Sometimes, the stories were based on other stories they had seen; other times, they were a world entirely of their own creation.

* Its more like they just ran about, coming up with the story as they went along. Completely immersed in there own world. He would even have these Day dreams on his own when he was bored and had no one to play with.
- It was more like they just ran about, coming up with the story as they went along, completely immersed in their own world. He would even have these daydreams on his own, when he was bored and had no one to play with.

^^Fragmented. Also, over 80% of adults still confused there, their, and they're so it is not a big thing, it's important yes in accurate writing, but the things you're struggling with here are what 90% of adults would struggle with and still do.

* As time went on and the age were these acts were socially acceptable had passed. The Day Dreams persisted.
- As time went on, and the age where these acts were socially acceptable had passed, the daydreams persisted.

* He learned not to walk around while immersed in them. not in public anyway.
- He learned not to walk around while immersed in them, at least not in public, anyways.

* Staying still while having them was a challenge, however, usually he had to fidget in someway.
- Staying still while having them was a challenge, and he usually had to fidget in some way.

* During his break and lunch in the tail end of his school years he would just sit in his classroom. Fooling around with his pen. Muttering the story to himself as quietly as possible.
- During his breaks and lunches in the tail end of his school years, he would just sit in his classroom, fooling around with his pen, muttering the story to himself as quietly as possible.

* No doubt this behavior caused him to be seen as strange by his peers.
- No doubt, this behavior caused him to be seen ‚Äčas strange by his peers.

* He didn't stop though.
- He didn't stop, though.

* Whether it was a matter of cant or wont he couldn't say.
- Whether it was a matter of can't, or won't, he couldn't say.

* All he knew was that the Day dreams were a source of comfort for him.
- All he knew was that the daydreams were a source of comfort for him.

* They be there to free him from the grip of lonliness.
- They were there to free him from the grip of lonliness.

* They help him past the time while he was waiting for something or someone.
- They helped him past the times when he was waiting for something or someone.

* They'd distract him from his troubles.
- They would distract him from his troubles.

* Sometimes it feels like they were the only things that kept him going during the day.
- Sometimes, it felt like they were the only things that kept him going during the day.

-Insert space between day and as here, between the sentences. Probably just a typo.

* As his teenage days transitioned to young adulthood and he discovered other things like video games and comics to keep his mind busy. He always go back to Day dreams.
- As his teenage days transitioned to young adulthood, and he discovered other things like video games and comics to keep his mind busy, he always went back to daydreams.

* Thing is, just a few months ago he had come to terms with the fact that these comforts weren't free. That they expected something back.
- The thing was, just a few months before, he had come to terms with the fact that these comforts weren't free, and that they expected something back.

* His sweet day dreams were not longer satisfied with just being his. They wanted freedom. Freedom for the cage that was his own mind. So that others could experience them as well.
- His sweet day dreams were no longer satisfied with just being his. They wanted freedom, freedom from the cage that was his own mind, so that other's could experience them as well.

* He tried to resist at first. He had no business being a writer or a artist of any kind.
- He tried to resist, at first. He had no business being a writer, or an artist of any kind.

* Those things were other people, more talented people that he could hope to be.
- Those things were better left to other people, more talented people than he could hope to be.
- Those things were better left for other people, more talented people than he could hope to be.
(Your choice here, both work)

* But the Day dreams wouldn't hear of it. They scratch and claw at his mind, demanding release. As crazy as that sounding that's what it feels like to him.
- But the daydreams wouldn't hear of it. They scratch and clawed at his mind, demanding release. As crazy as that sounded, that is what it felt like to him.
(past tense consistent with whole piece)

* In part to repay the debt he owes. To hopefully take these dreams and make them into something real. Something more. But also to maybe prove himself wrong. That maybe, just maybe, Writing could be for him too.
- In part, to repay the debt he owes. To, hopefully, take these dreams, and make them into something real - something more. But also, maybe to prove himself wrong. Maybe, just maybe, writing could be for him, too.


DON'T just quit. It's not worth it to deny the world of your voice over something as stupid as technicality. Work with someone who can be your editor. But don't give up. And don't lose your daydreams, or your voice.

I have you the 4.5 because I think, yeah there are issues, but the issues aren't worth crap compared to the whole piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of I'll Do Better  
Review by Tiffany Dowell
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I find the first part of the writing confusing, unclear what you're trying to say, and hard to follow or figure out where the story is or what it is at all. This should be expanded, with more reader understanding of what is happening here, what has happened here. It doesn't, to me, keep a reader reading at first, because its hard to find the story, only wondering what the story is. This should be expanded, explained more, a much more information giving scene. You did this more in the follow up, and I think we come to understand that he tried to kill himself? But while reading the first part, it gives no idea of what is going on until later. Tell the story of what is happening here in the first part, and keep the second part and onward where you're showing her responses and working through. Revealing the situation won't lose your readers, because there is definitely enough to hook us into "but how do they deal with it all".

"I rolled the sleeping pills onto the sink and washed them down the drain, then grabbed a slip of paper." Into or onto the sink? Was she considering them first, before washing them down or put them directly into the sink?

"He drove with the prudence he lacked in his work". Great line here, giving more flavor and reveal. This connects the reader to the emotion, motive, thought process of the character, now we know that she resents his performance, we in this moment as readers feel her emotions and attitude toward this doctor and this is the first moment we truly identify with her.

"Give us a chance." A chance how? To get to know each other, be friends outside of work? What are you getting at with this sentence? What chance is he saying is wanted?

"Man after man lowered his weapon, and turned (insider word "in") my direction."

In the first part you say there was an ex I assume named Franklin? Or was Franklin actually the doctor's first name who prescribed them? In the end, who is Justin? Still trying to find out who is who. Is Justing the father and Franklin the ex? What are Franklin and Justin's stories, and if neither is the father, who are they? I think we need better understanding of who the father is, who Justin is, and who Franklin is.

As far as this Fiona and Helen thing, can you expand on here double identities? We realize that she is both identities, but we want more information on this, why, and who was the other past identity of Fiona?

All in all it is a good read, intense, emotional, and cerebral. I wanted to find out what was really going on here, in a lot of ways. The lead in was unclear, and could be done better, without sacrificing the reader wanting to know more, we already want to know more about Fiona/Helen, her issues, and Harvey, what is actually driving him, is he actually afraid of Helen, it seems he's struggling with suicide but it leaves us wondering how much is his own personal issues, how much is contributed by Helen herself in reality, even if he's trying to protect her, and is he trying to protect her from her own personal baggage, or from his issues, both? What's his real deal here? There is a lot implied, so what is real and what is suspense and guessing?

The emotional hooks in this piece are definitely there, wanting us to understand our characters more and more. It really does make you care about these people, as much as you care about resolution and understanding the story itself.

It definitely is "true to form" and real in its representation of how life isn't always easy to navigate, things aren't totally simple, and relationships, and life are complicated on several levels. This piece really doesn't cut corners being honest with that, and representing it.

Plot definitely interested the reader, always keeping us wanting to know more, to pull on the string and unravel the story more. Dialog flowed naturally, and believable characters, but more than believable, characters that we actually connected to both on a 'we want story resolution" level and an emotional level equally, with a great balance of the two.

The twist at the end was a bit shocking, all this time her trying to protect him, always running things through her head, always logic and method to do so, all to end up in the confrontation she's been craving ending in her instincts stabbing him?! It leaves the reader in that moment going, what the hell, that didn't end up at all the way we (Helen and the reader) were intending.

I think it also gets people thinking, about how they actually handle difficulties when relating to others vs how they intend to and how their methods aren't always lining up with their intentions even if they're doing the best they know in a difficult situation. It's a piece that can cause personal reflection in your readers, which is another great hallmark for writing.

4/5 stars but with it feeling more filled in I'd give it 5, hits many needs of a good writing piece, including suspense, intensity, need to find out what's next, a hunger for resolution, emotional connection to characters, good flow, and personal relating to the story, and the story relating to and causing introspection to the reader.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dovetail