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Genre: Contest: 5 greatest crimes committed against humanity Style: Essay
How it made me feel/what it made me think of: You are correct in assuming that it could happen to you. It very well can, especially in today's political atmosphere of 'big government' controlling everything and stripping us of our constitutional bill of rights. What can one person do? You hit the nail on the head with speaking out against it. Write an editorial and send in to your local newspaper. March in the streets, round up others that feel the same way, and make our government address your grievances. This is not only your right as a U.S. Citizen, but your duty to your country and it's constitution.
Structure Challenges: none
Overall Impression:
(only my opinion) "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." This statement says it all! Please do write on as well, for it gets people thinking about it when you write about it and place it in many places to be read.
Bright Blessings!
)O(
DragonBlue
"Scratch any cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist."
-- George Carlin -- 1937 to 2008
Good story, that I could see published in Hilights or teen magazine. You had a great opening statement, then backed it up with the meat and potatoes to explain the opening paragraph. I only found what I thought to be one error:
Paragraph 7
I glared once last time at my mother,
I think you meant;
I glare one last time at my mother,
Other than that it was a quick and excellent read. Write on!
This is a beautiful site you have created here. I love your contest, and I will be back with a pen for you. I am sure that Mother Earth thanks you too. As our mother, we need to nurture Her as She has nurtured us. It is the only home we have, and when we destroy it, we eliminate our space in the universe that was given to us to love, honor and cherish for all eternity. She is our life source. She is the One we all feel the pull to be ONE with again as we once were, in a younger, earlier age of humanity. Gaea, Goddess of all Goddesses, Mother of all Mothers, giver and joiner of the only life force in this galaxy.
As referenced in the above image, I am reviewing you due to your 'Rising Star' status as one who has also received this honor.
MY FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your visuals are excellent and your write was very lively. I read your poem 3 times, and each time the words danced from lips onto the page and passed my ears with a 'wisp'.
SPELLING/TYPO/GRAMMAR CHALLENGES:
None that I could see. Your stanza format was quite enjoyable and your meter was 'write on!'
OVERALL:
In my humble opinion, I don't believe you need to wish for being a poet any longer for you are a poet with a melody and a voice all your own. This was a very enjoyable read, and I look forward to reading more of your work soon.
I only have a few suggestions that may be helpful to you:
About paragraph 16 the words: Jack said with more that his; I think you meant to say "Jack said with more than his.
Otherwise I found no other typo or grammar errors. Your presnetation needs a bit of work with format consistency. OMHO.
Overall, the story is a good one and to me represents the concept of a win/lose paradigm. Neither Jack nor Nate could listen empathically to the other, which Jack should have noticed as a parent. It is sad that most people see the world only as they perceive it and never as it really is. Thoughts and feelings are not facts. They are a person's perception of those facts. Until they realize that they are reading a map of Chicago and are actually in Detroit they will not find their way no matter how much they change their attitude or try to be understood. The secret to this paradox, is to truly seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
Good work. And I hope my suggestions were helpful to editing your story for publication presentation.
This pen brought many tears to my heart, and too many memories to my mind. I have been where you were at, not very long ago. Now I struggle with those voices of long ago, and try to rise above their 10 foot ego, but still the scars to the psyche remain, and cause the awful burning rain. I feel your pain, and I am sorry that you had to endure this kind of abuse. May the light of blue be your guide across the universe.
Spelling and grammar were perfect. Your rhyme and rythm supurb, if only the content could be of a field of flowers, instead of a pervert with an addiction for power. Please do write on.
All I can say is wow..if you replaced the you's with ye's and thee's, and yours with thy's this pen would read like a chapter from William Shakespear's McBeth; "To Be or Not to Be, that is the question." This was great writing with descriptive metaphores and visuals. Excellent! My favorite lines were:
Thought to harm at first
salvation's seeds were planted
by that favor in disguise.
This was excellent reading and what a graceful and revealing affirmation to read daily or a mission statement that keeps you focused about what is really important. There were no spelling or typing erros that I could see, and your choice of color for the font is pleasant and easy on the eyes.
Write to live, live to write, and WRITE ON!
Blessed Be~
)O(
DragonBlue
** Image ID #1119728 Unavailable **
I would like this essay even better if you did not refer to God as a he. For I don't believe you can have one without the other. In all things, there can be no light without the darkness, no north if not for south, no up if not for down, now east if not for west, no negative if not for positive, no male if not for female.
I like to believe that Divine Intelligence is all those things without reference to the male or female sexual gender. And we need to remember one thing about the bible, it was written for men, by men and about men. As such, I cannot embrace slavery to it's teaching or any man for that matter.
Though I believe in the unconditional love that was taught by Jesus Christ, I don't believe he died for anyones sins, but that we must all pay retribution for the havoc we create in this life, one way or another. We need to take responsibility for our own actions and not blame it on the devil or not care because we are forgiven.
I like your take on Divine Intelligence though, as it is very refreshing to read something besides "Rapture", with a whore on the back of a three headed dragon coming down as our redeemer to make us pay in brimstone and hell fire.
It was a great write, with emotional and logical findings, and I applaud your effort to set the record straight.
I do not understand the rating you have received so far, Jessica. Your grammar and spelling seem perfect to me and the story is excellent. It grabbed my attention from the beginning and kept me there until the end. Maybe it was your reference to your belief in God. They just don't know what it takes to make it through the hell their belief in their God gives to others. In a country where a belief or not in their one God should not make a difference, it does in way too many instances. I applaud your defiance in this story to see an injustice brought to light and your insistence on fighting for what is right, whether or not the extreme right agrees with you. Please do write on!
Bravo! This was excellent! I could see it illustrated and can imagine reading it to my eight year old daughter who would just love it!
Your stories are very detailed and your visualizations are tremendous! Why you have received less than five stars is beyond me. I found not one typo, spelling or grammar error. Your story was logical and the characters were if not believable, (only because I am an adult) where visible to my minds eye!
Wow! This story was incredibly real in its descriptions of one accused of being a witch. It's as if you were reliving a past life to arrive with such details of smell, taste, pain, and circumstance. Your story had a great co-story with it as Jamie finds herself also a victim of rape, and accused of being the perpertrator, which happens in real life all too often. And pregnancy for this accusation as proof is almost too much to bear. I think you should try to get this published. It has a very strong story line, and being one who is aware of 'the burning times', I can assure you, it will be read, bought, sold and re-sold.
I am sending a private email to help correct the typo's and grammatical errors that I found in an effort to see you get this story published!
I am giving it five stars on the basis of the story and content.
Your poem is excellent! Did you ever notice how most things that are deadly are vey beautiful? space, spiders, snakes, all the beautiful ones are fatally poisonous. The ocean can be too. But as I am DragonBlue (blue dragons are water oriented) and a Cancer too, I was drawn into your poem and enjoyed it very much! My favortie lines:
It's dangerous, but it comforts.
Write On!
)O(
DragonBlue
ps...I am returning your gift points for that is not why I read your pen.
This was so very beautiful and so very sad. I am sorry you had to lose your sister, but I am happy you got to tell her goodbye. So many of us never do get to tell those who pass on farewell. And it does the heart good to get those last words.
After reading your 'Self Therapy', I do not feel that I should offer my help in editing your work. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe you are looking for help with correcting the many typo's that are present in this work. I believe that you wrote it for what it is, Self Therapy, and maybe to reach out to others with the same diagnosis of Bi-Polar.
I too have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar I and other personality disorders. Though I find I question that diagnosis by the 'powers that be' for calling it a disorder. I understand depression which I have had since age 5 due to traumatic circumstances that I was forced to endure. I had a death wish, and tempted fate every chance I got, to put my life to an end. The depression did not really settle into serious suicide attempts until I was 33, and pregnant with my second child.
My manic phases still continue without end, as do my depressions. I just know what they are now, and am able work my way through them most days, though at times I can't drag my butt out of bed for 3-4 days at a time. A lot of pain and despair keep me buried under my blankets and a mountain of self-contempt with the voices of my past ringing in my ears over and over again.
If you truly want editing help with your work, please let me know and I will be happy to do so in private. Until then, keep writing for your self therapy, cause it really does help and works 90% of the time too!
Bright Blessings!
)O(
DragonBlue
** Image ID #1232520 Unavailable **
This is so very beautiful. I bet your friend thinks about you all the time!! I'm sorry you and your dad had to move so very far away from your friend. Hopefully you will get to see her again this summer.
Your poem is so very inspiring and delightful to read this day of reckoning for me. Many things have come into the light since the full moon of the last fortnight. Patience and a bit of luck have finally come my way, and your pen is like icing on the cake. For you see, I am also known as Sister of the Moon Beams, by one who 'sees' what others dream.
I did not see any typo's or spelling/grammar errors. Only one tiny little imperfection did I find. The last couplet is repetitive in the words, which is fine too, but you could shorten the 2nd to the last line to:
Your true calling; the Maiden in the Night,
Shown to the world by your everlasting light.
Only my suggestion and opinion this is true. I bid ye welcome!
)O(
DragonBlue
** Image ID #1217278 Unavailable **
I really enjoyed reading your poem about the mothers who worry about their sons going into any of our military branches. It had a good beat and made me smile in the end when the sailor realizes the bravery it takes any mother who watches her child leave her care, even if he is a grown man.
My favorite lines: She knew, maybe better than me
that if the winds of war were to
blow this way.
The Sailor she called son would
sail before harm's way.
You show a lot of compassion and sensitivity in your poem. I can see your mother taught you well. This was a real good, feel good read!
Write On!
)O(
DragonBlue
** Image ID #1217278 Unavailable **
I really enjoyed reading your poem about wander lost eyes. It has kind of a frantic beat to it, as I read it aloud I found my foot tapping the ground.
My favorite lines: Forget about me, they always do
Use me, use me, then you’ll accuse me
Coal slit eyes, deceit and lies
You steal my heart with wander lost eyes
My suggestions for improvement:
Second stanza Line 5 would read more in rhythm if you place a return after the word 'died'
Couldn’t express it if I died,
no matter how many times I may have tried
I realize that then you would have a six line stanza, but what you could do is break up the stanza and use one couplet, then go to the four line stanza again. Just a suggestion and only my opinion.
Grammar/typo errors you might consider correcting:
Second stanza Line 6
I cant should be can't
Second stanza Line 7 till should be 'till
Fourth stanza Line 12
So on and I will repeat
I think you meant:
So on and on I will repeat
Fourth stanza Line 13 Till should be 'Till
Overall, this was a good read!
Write On!
)O(
DragonBlue
** Image ID #1217278 Unavailable **
I thought you did a wonderful job with this. Your rhyme is right, your meter could use a bit tweeking, but I am always one to say; it's how it is read.
I really enjoyed this very much. Please do write on!
Score Card for PWC Poetry/Short Story Contest
Regarding: Imbolc or Celtic Tree Month of Beth
Greetings and Salutations!
I am DragonBlue one of the Reviewers and Judges for the contest
"Invalid Item"
The following criteria is being considered while reviewing your
entry to this contest:
1. Presentation of Subject – If I had known nothing when I read your
work, was your pen informative & enlightening?
Your poem was very well written as I see you are very well versed in writing
form poetry. Your rhythm was perfect, so was your rhyme. You covered many
aspects of this sacred holiday, and I enjoyed reading your pen very much!
5.00 in this category
2. Title, Genre, Category –
All three items are present.
5.0 in this category
3. Typo's, grammar and spelling challenges
I found none, though I looked closely.
5.0 in this category
4. Word/line count stayed well within the parameters given.
5.0 in this category
5. This category is mine own to make/create
4.85 in this category
Overall, I truly enjoyed your beautiful pen of Brigid and the celebration
of Imbolc. The only thing I would have liked to see is more explanation
in your author's note for the references used through out it. I understood
it without a problem, but a person not well versed or having no
experience in a circle would not understand it easily. I look
forward to reading more as I browse through your port after I
catch up on all my reviews and other items of note...Please do write on!
MY TOTAL SCORE: 4.97
There are two other judges who will be by to r, r & r your work.
Thank you for your entry and good luck in our contest!
Score Card for PWC Poetry/Short Story Contest
Regarding: Imbolc or Celtic Tree Month of Beth
Greetings and Salutations!
I am DragonBlue one of the Reviewers and Judges for the contest
"Invalid Item"
The following criteria is being considered while reviewing your
entry to this contest:
1. Presentation of Subject – If I had known nothing when I read your
work, was your pen informative & enlightening?
Your poem was very worthy of our blessed holiday! I found myself
swaying in my chair and read it aloud several times enjoying the beat
and rhythm. I also enjoyed the perfection of your imperfect rhymes!
4.98 in this category
2. Title, Genre, Category –
All three items are present.
5.0 in this category
3. Typo's, grammar and spelling challenges
I found none, though I looked closely.
5.0 in this category
4. Word/line count stayed well within the parameters given.
5.0 in this category
5. This category is mine own to make/create
4.85 in this category
Overall, I truly enjoyed your ritual and could almost see it being preformed before my eyes. The only thing I would have liked to see is more explanation in your author's note for the references used through out it. I understood it without a problem, but a person not well versed or having no experience in a circle would not understand it at all. You never cease to amaze with your vocabulary and use of the English language. Please do write on!
MY TOTAL SCORE: 4.97
There are two other judges who will be by to r, r & r your work.
Thank you for your entry and good luck in our contest!
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