| Hello Prosperous Snow , I'm here to review your piece.
A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!
There are quite a few textual mistakes in this piece, so here I will point them out to you.
In this, you often use commas in the wrong places. like when Megyn "looked to her, younger, sister." I think all commas can be removed from that sentence. Also, when describing the father, you write "his distinguished, Errol Flynn, mustache,..." I think you can remove the comma after "Errol Flynn". It breaks up the sentence less.
There's also, "I want to know what you, think, you remember..." I believe all commas can be removed from that sentence.
Also, "Jezebel sat down on the, sheet covered, couch..." All commas removed from here as well. The way you use commas in these sentences chops the sentences up and creates pauses when there does not need to be any.
That's it for the commas, but there are more mistakes I hope to help you correct.
Throughout the story, you switch between "Megyn" and "Magyn" quite often. Even the Jezebel alternated between calling her "Mag" and "Meg".
When Meg (or Mag, I don't know) tells Jezebel the story, she says "I want to here what you think happened..." The proper spelling is "hear", rather than "here".
When Jez is telling the story, she says "...started betting him." It should be "beating", and you do spell it correctly later in the paragraph.
Meg also says "George told you. Didn't her?" Should be "he", not "her".
That ends the grammar portion of the review. Now to the story itself.
The story is interesting. You make it ambiguous as to which side of the story of their dad is true or not, while also adding a twist: that Jezebel is not right in the head. The story was short, and so it progressed at a good speed.
A problem for me is that the the piece is a little too ambiguous. It's unclear who George is, and if it weren't for the intro for the story, I wouldn't have known the house went to Jez. It's also unclear how long ago the father left. All throughout Jez felt like a child (which could be explained by the fall on her head.) but then she seems to own the house, and be suitable (somewhat) to live alone.
I think more information should be given, about what is happening within the story.
That's all I have to say about the story, I hope it helped. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to let me know. :)
Thank you for sharing your work with us! Write On!
Lord Breach of Martell
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