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Hi Bscholl: Found this short short while moving through the Read and Review collection. There is a lot of action in few words, Robin's debate about what she was about to do, is clear. The fact that she wasn't about to let him walk this time shows her character.
I think my favorite part is when the woman in the bed who has obviously been beaten makes a move to help herself using a frying pan.
Couple of glitches: 1/When the patrolwoman is talking to the dog, you used "now" twice. I think you could leave out the second use ie "You're a real watchdog, aren't you?"
2/When speaking of the oaks above the trailer, I'm not sure that oaks can hover, especially the tops since they are rooted to the ground. You could try something like swayed instead.
Still a great read. Keep it up!
Hi Whitemorn: I find this a interestingly chilling poem. Apparently many people were buried alive in older times. But this poor poet is pain still plaguing him was doomed to put up with it until he suffocated. And the poor man couldn't even write a poem about in his head because of the agony in his back. So I find it also quite sad as it must have been for many. He couldn't even emerge as one of the undead or a zombie.More's the pity.
Hi Jacky: As soon as I read the ending of this one, I saw why it was chosen as the winner for the contest. It began with a father and his daughter who had joined a lot of people in an open field to watch a comet. The little one is tired and her dad tells he to go to sleep and would wake up when was time.
About the same time he meets a man named Trent who tells him how young he was when he last saw the same comet. But Trent surprises the reader by saying that the comet is his ride home. I love the concept and would love that way to go on to the stars myself.
But father wonders about his sanity and decides to keep his daughter away from him. When he talks with his daughter after seeing the comet, he finds out her favorite part was seeing Trent turn into stars and fly to meet it.
No obvious spelling or grammar glitches.
Hi Jay O'Toole: What a lovely poem to celebrate a marriage! I found myself reading it in the cadence of the song, probably what you meant us readers to do. I am a singer myself, but not trained unless you call church choir training, which I certainly do (you had to know our choir master to understand that one!)
Hi BahHumDuf: For someone who has such scroogey handle, your story is touching and warm and very Christmassy. I remember getting up like that, but it was usually at the instigation of my 6 brothers and sisters. It stirred up a few of my earliest memories too and thank you for that!
I found no obvious mistakes or problems.
Merry Merry you
I haven't flown much myself so I can feel for Jackson. It's amazing how those who either don't fly or can be nonchalant about it can lull you into a false sense of security :}
My favorite was the last one. I laughed out loud. It was a perfect ending.
I found it nice and clear to read, which is a plus with my diabetic eyes.
You wonder what Jackson did about his pants either while still on the plane or after he got off, if what he said at the end was true.
Hi Jacky: Talk about art imitating Life! This one does it for me! I would love to use the word 'agama' as a story prompt. What say you?
Unhappily for me I do not have children who are computer experts, so mine is a good friend who has very little time because she is busy with a capital BIZ. So like your character I have to remember to breathe as I send out the SOS. Also, I have only one computer. My new tablet is waiting to be charged and set up, so until it is, no alternative.
Now comes my favorite part. The orange and blue lizard on the keyboard that talks! I guess dreaming includes lizards too sometimes.
When it comes to staying up late, I love the African Queen too, but a book I want to finish is more likely to be what would keep me awake.
I loved this story! My mind's eye ran it like a movie for me. No obvious booboos.
Keep writing, so I can keep reading!
I just finished laughing at this story. Love, Love, love it! I actually had a similar type job that was so mindless I couldn't stop chatting with my fellow line workers and got fired. I lasted ten whole days.
Your description of job makes the reader think at first that it must be easy, but we all know the foreman will say anything not to have to do it himself. lol. But really anything that requires you to assemble something electrical can't be that easy. As the main character proved by blacking out the whole place.
My fave line of course was the last one. My answer to that it, a monkey would probably refuse to do it.
Hi Rex Kramer:
This story is a hoot, one of the first police fiction I've ever read that I laughed most of the way through and smiled the rest.
I love the part where the murder victim's brothers are offered as a ride back to the circus for the homicidal clown. It was a great twist!
It seems like the detective added a little revenge for the drunk clown who scarred him as well.
Hi OritG:
This is a wonderful image and I enjoyed reading this work. The monster of white is so appropriate! I agree that the only way to defeat the blank page is to start the writing. I'll remember the sage advice when next I confront the monster.
Hi, Hyperiongate: I just had to review your story, although I am by no means a professional reviewer
Overall Impression: Loved the plot and how you brought it slowly to a climax in so few words. I remember doing sessions using an Ouija board as a young girl as well. Luckily my relationship with the board wasn't as close as Jen. I like that the board did her bidding to an extent.
My turn to review you! I must say I really enjoyed your flash and can see why it won. It had just enough description to make a cohesive story. It was hard to pick my favourite line, but finally I did. The free HBO idea made me smile, just like the main character. I didn't find any typos, fat finger or otherwise and no grammatical goofs either.
Hi Sailor M, I love the story! It is so uplifting! You have a way with short, pithy sentences that say what needs to be said without over description. That everyone shouts for joy for the return of their lost ones is so human. I look forward to other episodes to find out why and how they were all able to return, presumably alive again.
Hi Max Rastin: This review is not done by a professional, simply another writer like yourself who also like to read. So keep in mind, everything in it is my opinion only
GENERAL IMPRESSION: Your story is hilarious to me because I have moved by elevator and subway more than once. Have also been caught in elevators more times than I care to remember. I especially liked the last line.
A COUPLE THINGS TO LOOK AT: third line: the 'who's" as written means 'who is' I think the word you're looking for is 'whose'. Line 8 seems to be missing a word after 'he's' like 'having' perhaps? You might to use another word instead of "groaned' in line nine, for instance, maybe 'groused'. I would also think about removing the 'and' before 'Dee pulled ' and putting in 'then" instead.
This is a great short short. You have a knack for humor and flash, keep following your Muse.
Hi Hero Heinrich: I love this story! I can see why you won the daily flash.
WHAT I LIKE MOST: the surprise of a chicken in the closet. The buildup to him taking his courage into his hands and looking in the closet was perfect.
THE TECH STUFF: could not find any obvious grammar, spelling or story structure problems.
Write from your soul and keep writing.
This story brought tears to my eyes, it was so well written. The father's reaction was so well described I could picture it in my mind.
The wife and mother also was well drawn as a character. The dialogue showed the passion and despair of the characters
The loss of so many lives then and now, is something we need to keep in our minds and hearts even when it is not Memorial Day. They paid for our freedom and we cannot afford to forget it. As a military wife and the daughter and daughter in law of two WWII vets now deceased, I have never understood why some people find it so difficult to do a minute silence for our military dead. A minute out of your life for a free life, is small price to pay.
Sorry about the rant, your story was that good. It got me started on a particular pet peeve of mine.
The imagery will stay with for some time.
Hi Ruth Draves: Since I am in no way a professional reviewer, please take this review as personal opinion and nothing else.
First Impression and Characters: I loved the two characters in the piece, the young reporter was very reminiscent of Clark Kent in female form. The editor was aptly described in a few well chosen words, excellent!
The Dry Stuff: I found no grammar, spelling or continuity mistakes
Favorite Bit 'she fingered the sleeve of the white leotard under the cuff of her blouse.' Great last line.
Hi Bubba & Scooter's Mom:
I was enthralled by this story from the first sentence and it held my interest in a tight grip throughout. Other then jumping back when he saw the retractable fangs, I wondered what the fledgling dentist would do about his emergency patient, especially when he figured out what he was and what he had been doing. His solution made me smile.
You wonder what the now fangless vampire did to feed. Rob blood banks perhaps? The young dentist's realization that the city was not for him was a natural extension of his experience with this last patient. No wonder it was a winner!
Hi Valenchia: This was a wonderful story with a great, humorous ending. I can see why it won yesterday's contest. I like your use of breaks in time using asterisks. Seems Jeremy likes is women a little vacuous and oblivious to things. Lucky for him.
I saw no obvious typos or grammar glitches. Good for you!
FIRST IMPRESSION: This was so creepy and scary, I almost didn't read it! But after reading the first line, I had to. I especially was taken with the fact that the main character was aware he was going to be killed as he was pushed down the stairs.
TECHNICAL COMMENTS: No obvious grammar or spelling problems.
SUM UP: Now I know how this story won yesterday's flash. Congrats!
FIRST IMPRESSION: In beginning, I thought there was about to be a argument, beating or some ordinary violence. When they began to discuss the female having forgotten her pill, I complacently thought what the male character thought.
MY FAVORITE DESCRIPTION: The male character's reaction to hearing she forgot to take some other type pill.
THE BEST LINE: The last one where we find out what that other pill was preventing.
OVERALL: No grammar or spelling errors that could see. I love this story and now know why it won yesterday's flash.
Write often and with passion
The description of how this writer vocalizes while writing could be me. I love the descriptions of what part of the story the vocals were attached to. The fact the author was in such a hurry to submit was a hint I didn't catch. How he submitted to the wrong website and why it was a mistake was both amusing and kind of scary. I like to put myself in a character's shoes so doing that was scary to me.
Things you might Want to Fix: Just one thing jumped out at me: 'sweep up up' I'm sure it was a speeding typo lol
Hi Hyperiongate: This is a wonderful story! Captain Masterson's dilemma was clear. But his decision had be for the greater good in the end. Interesting job to be the conscience of the A.I.
I found no obvious grammar or other errors. The story move at good pace and had just enough description to help the reader stay interested.
Write with Passion
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