Hi Amisha, sorry I took so long to review this story. It is beautiful story and quite touching. I like how both Luke and Kyra change toward each other. My suggested changes, set inside brackets, are just that, suggestions. You tend to use 'and' a lot instead of ending the sentence and starting a new one. Short sentences make the story go faster. Watch your punctuation if you can.
"Luke, can I see you please(? it is question )" Said(small s) Mrs Herring. "(I've decided You(small y if you add my suggested beginning) are doing peer mentoring whether you like it or not,(semi colon instead ie ;) your mum agrees with me. It will be good for you."
"I don't even know what that is! Why the hell would I do that?" I said (replace the rest of this sentence with 'angrily' which means the same thing, if you want)in my anger towards her.
"Don't use that language with me! I'm your teacher, not your friend! Peer mentoring is where you give advice to a person in the year bellow(I think you mean 'below, it has only one l), they may need help with homework or it may be more severe than that, they might be bullied."
"How am I going to help them, when I have my own stuff to worry about!(again this is a question, so should have a question mark)"
"It's only for half an hour a week, and it will look really good when you start to apply for universities,(no comma) this year. The training is tomorrow, and you get to miss a lesson (I would use the word 'class'."
I agreed and left in hurry, only because I wanted to go see my friends for lunch.
I sat through the training, most of the time I tuned out and listened to my music, although this was much better than doing maths! I doubt I missed anything important, how hard could it be to ask someone about their problems?
"Luke! Take your headphones out of your ear! Did you hear what I just said.(again this is a question, add question mark instead)" shouted Mrs Maris.
"Yer..." I said hesitantly.
"Repeat what I just said then!"
"You were talking about, urrrm, where we have to meet the person were( we are instead of were) mentoring"
"No! I was saying that if you were told something, about them that was a problem(try a cause instead of problem) for concern, you would have to tell me straight away,(replace with period and start a new sentence, more emphatic) do not try sort the problem out yourself, you are just here (should be there rather than here)to help(she has just said not to take on serious problems so perhaps it should say 'listen to them and help with school work) them!" said Mrs Maris.
"Yer ok,(OK is always capitalized) I understand." I said with little regard to what she was saying."(no quote needed here)
Towards the end of the training, Mrs Maris began to tell us who the person( the person not needed) we were mentoring was(delete).
"...Amy, you have Beth from year 7 and Luke you have Kyra from year 11. You will be meeting them all next week, for your first mentoring session together."
The week went by quite quickly, and it was a good week, since it was Joe's house party on Saturday night, which was brilliant, since there was plenty of free booze. But I don't really remember the night much!
****
It was our first mentoring session, and I was quite nervous since I don't(didn't) know what to say!
"Hi, I'm Luke; I'm here to help you with any worries or problems you might have."
"I'm Kyra, I'm in year 11, and what year are you in?"She(small s, word processor will always try to capitalize after a punctuation mark, but when it is an addition to a quote, change the capital to a small letter) said.
She was a pretty girl, with brown hair and green eyes. She looked my age, even though she was a year younger.
"I'm in year 12. Do you have any issues you(change you to that) might need resolving?"I said.
"No not really."
I wondered why she was here if she had no problems,(replace with period and start new sentence) maybe I just needed to become friends with her, and get to know her first before she(replace told with would tell)told me her problems. It was an awkward first session, since she seemed quiet and reserved,(replace comma with semi colon ;) but that meant less work for me to do(delete to do).
"Mum(add comma) are you home yet?" I shouted, as I entered my house.
No reply. As(change as to so) I thought mum was doing overtime,(no comma) at the hospital where she works as a nurse. She hates her job, since(change since to because) she gets treats badly, and the pay is terrible,(delete comma) for the amount of work she does. I've been trying to look for a job to help her pay the bills. (in fact,) I have an interview next week for the Apple store, which I was(change was to am) looking forward to.
I was dreading our next mentoring session since I knew she was not going to tell me anything today(try adding either), so I came prepared.
"Hi Kyra how was your week?" I said, as nicely as possible
"It was alright."(since there is really no such word as alright, use all right.)
"I just wanted to tell you a bit about myself, then you can tell you(delete this you as is confusing) me about you(change you to yourself and punctuation to a period. Perhaps something like 'Don't worry,I won't judge you' would be good next) and I won't judge you." I said, with the hope it would break the tension. (new paragraph for quotations where a new subject is being discussed)"I live with my mum. My mum and dad got married when they were 17, because my dad was dying of cancer. He lived for 5 more years after their marriage, and they had me in that time. My mum was torn apart by his death, but she was expecting it so she moved on and cared for me the best she could, but she never married(add again as she had been married) after that."
"I'm sorry for your loss, I live with my mum and dad and my brother."
"It's ok(see other note about ok) I don't miss my dad, since I didn't know him at all, (period and new sentence for emphasis)I just miss having a dad. So how are you finding school?" I said quickly trying (remove trying) to changing(make changing into change) the subject.
"Yes I love school, I have lots of friends and we get along really well, change next four words to and we meet up often)we often meet up. School is actually easy, I'm getting A*'s in most of my subjects for GCSE."
"That's great; you must be really smart then(take out then)! I got C's and D's for my GCSE, so you're doing brilliant(should be brilliantly, I think)!"
I was so confused! This girl had no problems at all, she was pretty, intelligent and happy. I didn't see why she needed mentoring. I decided to go see her form teacher, to enquire(possibly inquire) about the type of person she was.
"Hi, Sir I was just wondering what type of person, Kyra Fischer is?" I said.
"Why are you interested in her?" He replied.(since we know he is talking to, we don't need 'he replied' here. This often the case.)
"It's just I'm mentoring her and(change and to but and put a comma after her) she has no problems at all!"
"Well, that wouldn't be a phrase I would use to describe her. She is a shy person; I often see her sitting by herself at break, but she is very intelligent."
"What about her family?" I asked.
"She is adopted by a really nice couple."
"Thank(you) Sir." I said as I left the classroom.
She lied to me then, but not about everything,make this a period and new sentence to follow) she is smart and she does live with her mum and dad, even if they are her foster parents.
I saw her sitting on a bench in an isolated corner, (no comma) on her own, and approached her.
"I know you live with your foster parents."
"Who told you?"
"Why did you lie to me?"
She walked away and muttered some words;(make semi colon a period) I think she said, "Because I wanted you to like me."
****
Kyra didn't show up for the next 4 mentoring sessions, I felt really bad for scaring her. So I waited for her outside her form, to apologise.(apologize)
"I wanted you to have this(add comma) to say sorry" I gave her a necklace that my ex left at my house, (instead of the next words try 'all boxed up like a gift') but I put it in a box.
"I don't want it."
"Please(comma) have it." I said.
"LUKE! IS THAT YOUR NEW GIRLFIREND(girlfriend. There is a spell check on the site in your portfolio area)! SEEMS LIKE A RIGHT LOSER, O(add h and a comma I SEE YOU JUST WANT TO BANG HER!" shouted my friend Harry from down the corridor.
I laughed since I knew they were joking, but Kyra didn't, and walked away, in tears. I ran after her this time.
"I didn't mean to laugh!"
She rushed ahead and walked into the girls(') toilets. I followed her without realising(change s to z in this word) (change wording to comma to "where I was going') where I had walked, but I stayed to make sure she was alright.(all right is preferred)
"Kyra, come out and talk." I said.(he sounds anxious, try saying so and changing the period to a comma)
(In answer,)She chucked the necklace over the door.
"I should have stuck up for you,(period and new sentence) they shouldn't have called you a loser,(period and new sentence, remove the word and) and they don't know you, like I do, I'm sorry."
"You don't know me at all!" she said.(not emphatic enough, try yelled, sobbed instead of said)
A group of girls walked in to the toilets.(we know where Kyra and Luke are, so 'to the toilets' isn't necessary)
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE GIRLS(') TOILETS LUKE,(change comma to question mark) GET OUT!" said, Sophie, my ex. "IS THAT MY NECKLACE ON THE FLOOR?"
(To avoid her question,) I rushed out of the toilets, in alarm.
****
It was the day of my interview at the apple(Apple is a trademark so should have a capital first letter) store,(period and new sentence without the word and) and I was very nervous since I was(had been so preoccupied with school work(I didn't get a chance to prepare much). I wore a suit and tie, and I felt overdressed, but it was better than my hoodie.(If you see a word underlined in red, it may be misspelled or not in the dictionary; if it is the second reason, you can add it to the dictionary, if it is a word you will use often)
"Hi I'm Jamie(period and remove and for new sentence) and I will be taking your interview today,(again, period and new sentence) you must be Luke."
"Hi Nice to meet you." I said whilst(try as instead of whilst) I shook his hand, as a common courtesy.(most people know it is a common courtesy to shake someone's hand when you meet them especially at a job interview, so the phrase 'as a common courtesy' isn't needed)
"So(comma) why do you want to work in the apple(capitalize) store(it is a question)" he asked.
"Because I really want to work as part of team, to make the store as efficient as possible, through the busy Christmas period." I replied.
What I really wanted to say was to make some money to help my mum pay the bills, and start saving for university.
The interview went on for about an hour and my answers became progressively worse,(make this comma a period and remove because to start the next sentence) because I kept thinking of Kyra,(add until they)eventually it(remove it) became 'yes' and 'no' answers.
When I went back to school (add comma) Mrs Maris, the peer mentoring leader(comma) saw me in the corridor, and abruptly stopped me.
"Luke, how has your mentee(is this a word? Check in an online dictionary) been?"
"Yes(yes not needed) pretty good,(change to period and start new sentence next) she only has some problems with homework occasionally, that's about it." I said, knowing it was more than that.
"I knew you would have a change in attitude towards peer mentoring!"
****
I sat in the room waiting for Kyra the next day, it was 10 minutes in,and (change and to before) finally she turned up.
"I need to ask you some questions(add the phrase and please) answer them honestly." She said in a serious tone(this sentence not needed as we know she just came in).
"Why did you give me some other girl's necklace, as a gift?"
"Well, that was my ex-girlfriend(insert apostrophe)s,(remove comma and add that) she left it at my house(add period and remove and) and I don't(change don't do didn't) have any money to buy you a gift, but wanted to give you something to apologise.(the s is a z in this word)" I said, knowing this would make her upset(change make her upset to upset her, but wanting(wanting to wanted) to prove I was being honest.
"Can I trust you?"
"Yes." I said hesitantly, even though I was meant(change meant to supposed) to tell Miss Maris,(no comma) everything she told me.
"Would you ever speak to me if you saw me in( in where? the hall, class on the street?) before this?"
"No." she(cap s on she) looked upset that I didn't have to think about the answer.
"Are you my friend, or am I just a person you mentor?"
"You are my friend; why else would I still wait in this class room for half an hour every week?"
We sat in silence for several moments. Kyra looked like she was in deep thought.
She lifted up her sleeve to revel(hopefully she isn't reveling in cutting herself, must be reveal) several cuts on her wrist. I don't know how(try adding 'it happened'), but I found myself with my arms wrapped around her body, it wasn't out of pity just to show her I was there for her.
After several moments of silence I asked:
"Is everything alright(all right) at home?"
"Everything is fine,(period not comma and new sentence) really my foster parents love me allot( allot means to divide up, you must mean a lot),(semicolon) they buy me nice things,(change to period and new sentence) it's just(that) I don't feel like they're my parent's(no apostrophe and add the words 'and that') they keep(replace keep with are) trying to buy my love,(no comma) when all they need to do is give me a hug,(add and) take care of me when I'm ill,(try adding 'stuff like that' and end the sentence)(New sentence but that's not the reason for this..."
I really wanted to ask what happened to her parents, but felt (like it would be pressuring her too much and delete the last three words)was too pressurising.
"Is everything alright(all right) at school?"
"I want to move(try change instead of move) schools desperately, but I don't want to tell my foster parents, I'm scared they might not want me anymore. I know(try guess instead of know and add an s to sound) it sound stupid."
"No it doesn't. What don't you want to tell them?"
"I don't want to tell them that my only friends are characters in books, and that I pretend that I have a normal life. That the friends I used to have, ditched me and now they(change they that and add s to make) make me cry myself to sleep,(make the comma period and start a new sentence) I feel that(that to like) my parents are dead(or) they might as well be since I never even knew them, (period and new sentence)I don't know why they left me, but I feel like that's my fault. I am a terrible person."
"You are not a terrible person. I understand (omit I understand and start sentence with It)it must be hard telling me this(.)"
"You are my only friend, and I trust you not to tell anyone this, I want to deal with it myself."
"You can't deal with it yourself, I can help you. What happened with your(replace your with the) friends that hurt you so much?"
"They decided not to invite me to any of their parties, or (try 'even invite me to join them') anytime they met up. When I sat with them at lunch(,) they wouldn't talk to me much,(add 'and gradually') they fazed me out of their friendship group,(period, new sentence) so I started to hang around with other people, most of them were really nice,(period, new sentence with then instead of but) but my old friends started rumours about me,(add something like 'things like I had slept" like I slept with a 30 year old man,(period, new sentence with 'they were' added in front of silly) silly little rumours that people began to believe, and soon everyone in the year began to believe it was true and started hating me, they(remove they change called to calling and isolated to isolating) called me names and isolated me. They bullied me."
"How long has this been going on?"
"2 and half years."(Try spelling 2 when the rest of the number is spelled like Two and a half or use all numbers like 2-1/2)
"Is that the reason you cut yourself?"
"Yes."
As I lay asleep(if he is asleep he's dreaming of her, if he thinking about her he must be trying to sleep, or to go with tense, 'as I lay trying to sleep'), I couldn't stop thinking about Kyra. She has been through so much pain in her life, I wanted (to help her by telling , remove to tell) to tell someone about the problems she has faced,(period, new sentence) even though they were in her near past, I could still see they were affecting her. I had to be there for her and help her out as much as I could before I told a teacher.
The next day I saw her sitting on her bench(comma) engrossed in her book.
"Kyra (add comma) do you want to sit with me and my friends.(question mark)"
"I know you mean well, but I don't need your pity,(no comma and add the word just) because I told you personal things about me."
"Ok(OK,) fair enough,(period and new sentence) let me take you to a place where I go sometimes to get away from reality."
"Ok(OK)..." (But) she seemed reluctant.
"Meet me here when school ends."
*****
The bell rang to mark the end of school. We met each other at the designated meeting point.
I took her to a field, near the school. The field had a shallow river cutting through it, and(change and to with) stepping stones across(it). Large willow trees touched the surface of the water, as the leaves danced in the wind. We sat on a bench overlooking the natural landscape and we talked for hours, about random things, like our favourite food, and the interests we shared. I don't know how it happened but I found my lips pressed against hers towards the end of the evening, I held her close to me as the wind rushed though her hair. She smiled at me, and I smiled back.
"Meet me here again tomorrow?" I said.
"I will see! I forgot to ask if you got the job at the apple(capital A) store.(this is a question)" She said continuing to smile at me.
"Yep I sure did! Come visit me at work next week!"
****
The weekend felt like forever,(period and new sentence) Kyra wasn't replying to my texts, or phone calls, so I was excited to see her again on Monday, however when Monday came, she wasn't at her bench. I finally found her outside on the field.
"I've been looking everywhere for you! I've missed you"
"Ok"(OK)
"Have you been avoiding me?"
"Yes. Yes I have! When you kissed me(I knew it was-remove that and put a period after mistake) that was a mistake, I know guys like you will(change will to who) go around breaking girl's hearts all the time(period and new sentence to them) I'm just another one of them, and(Change and to besides and make it a new sentence) I don't want to lose the only friend I have."
"I'm not like that, I promise I won't break your heart(period, new sentence after remove and) and you can trust me, like you did before."
I held her hand softly, to reassure her. Then held her in my arms and whispered in her ear:
"You're different to(change word to to word from) all the other girls."
"Why?" she whispered back.
"Because I love you."
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