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Review by dragonwoman
Rated: E | (5.0)
My kind of poetry, solid rhyming, humor and whimsy. I like it very much. I can't see anything needing changes. You have a great sense of fun. Bring on more poems like it.
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Review of The Figment  
Review by dragonwoman
Rated: E | (3.0)
What a touching story! I felt her loneliness. There are some issues you might want to look at and consider either changing or getting rid of. To help me show you what I mean I numbered the lines in this story and will talk about the lines I think could use some editing or changes.
Line 2 the word 'such' seems like it's extraneous, you could take it out and have 'as sad verdant eyes..'
3-4 "A sigh of both impatience and acquiescence escaped her lips' sounds better than the original. I find description, while needed, can sometimes be overdone.
Line 7 'the bubble of loneliness erected around her" by whom? her friends or herself? If herself, I would add 'that she had" between the words loneliness and erected
Line 9 As if her eyes could see something that no one else ever could. Try taking out the word 'ever' and see if its needed
Line 10 Try a period after remembered and make a new sentence to the words up to and including 'waist'
I found the wording ..'that would and used to slide around her shoulders and waist awkward. What about taking out the words would and? Try it out and see.
Line 14 I think you need the word 'at' between break and the to make more sense of the sentence. As for ..reveled in the warmth of the other.. try replacing 'the' with 'each'
Line 16 I like the following: 'He, because she was a breath of fresh air from the suffocating life of a social butterfly(not necessary to capitalize); and she, because he was the salvation that kept her from falling back into the pits of ..."
Line 18 "In it( in what?) they found...
Line 20 She acquiesced to her yearning for him...You could be more concise by replacing "acquiesced" with "gave in"
Line 24 ..a chin rested on her head in an all-too-familiar.. if you replaced 'an' with 'that" it emphasizes the familiarity in the gesture.
Line 27 She uttered his name, as whisper...you might want to add the word "a" between as and whisper, otherwise it seems incomplete.
Line 34 She almost jumped up as she practically bolted... I think it would be hard to jump up and bolt at the same time. So a
good change here might be to take out "up as she" and replace it with "and".
Line 37 ...she uttered his name, before her as equally silent goodbye. I was confused here until I tried taking out 'before her as" and replacing it with "in an" Try it and see.
Line 38 'It dying off as an unheard whisper on her lips.." try 'died' instead of dying and put a comma between lips and as.
Lines 53 and 54 ...hot and raw with emotions that ran rampant...was it the emotions or the tears from the emotions? I took out 'with emotions' and it sounded much more smooth.
I hope what I've said will help you in your further writing and I look forward to seeing new and wonderful stories that have the beauty of this one.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of At two  
Review by dragonwoman
Rated: E | (5.0)
Having known a few two year-olds in my time, I found this poem very apt. Loved it!
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