good day, AJ... assumin' I can calls you AJ, or AJJ, or JJ? as long as I don't calls you, Johnson? lol (from a famous skit on an old tv comedy show, Laugh In should you not be familar... you see, i'm old coot)
Firstly, I note you're less than a month old, so on behalf of a good bunch in here, allow me to welcome you to WDC. Secondly, a fault of mine perhaps, is I tend to be pretty fussy when I choose to review an item, whereby despite it's genre or style, unless I see something that grabs in some fashion, I don't don't normally stop to say hello. So, you've accomplished the hard part... getting my interest. But, in reading your piece, there are several areas that for the most are mere edits whether careless self-editing, overlooks, or what nots... in other words easy fixes... some others perhaps need a little consideration of technique in my view.
The overall impression is what's the real good part, in that I see a very distinct style, one of genuine entertainment, good way with words, espeically in giving your characters life with a number of little eccentricities, etc...all of which translate to keeping an audience riveted to a read. With a little polish, your writing, in my view, will likely excell to where you'll be a heck of story teller. Now for the edits and comments, some of which do need fixing, others are for what d'ya thinks...you be the judge as mere suggestions from one lit dude to another, and others I believe are meant to demo technique where I as your reader, hit a few literary speed bumps I think could be smoothed over. Here we go.
“She’s a beaut’ alright.”
The dumpy engineer affectionately slapped a thick hand on the glistening chrome of the new engine, heedless of the greasy print left behind. “3,227 drawbar horsepower,” he boasted, “clocked it myself jus this mornin’.”
“Yessirree,” he continued, tucking his thumbs into his belt and rising up on his toes, his paunch so close it nearly bowled me over, “this baby can pull just ‘bout any load ‘sever been stuck on the back of a railcar, ‘an faster’n any other engine to boot.”
.................... great start; got my attention (your style) right away. Only a couple things. The affectionately works ok, but for a what d'ya think, does it really help the piece here, so soon... your reader trying to adjust his vision with your imagery? Reason; affectionately seems to contrast with "slapped", even tho I get it...sort of like a pat on the back, but when a reader sees those two words together, it can confuse the mind trying to form an impression. You know your character, but we don't, as yet. Suggets dele affectionately here, perhaps "show" the reader how affectionately impressed he is in a sentence or two...for example, you do achieve that in his boasting of the HP...
.............. on that note, when in dialog, spell out the numbers, and especially here since your character is emphasizing... ie: yessiree, bub; three-thousand... two-hundred... twenty-seven drawbar horsepower. Clocked it myself this mornin'." Note the period after hp, and new sentence.
......... perhaps start the next sentence with your descriptive, ie: His thumbs tucked into his belt, his paunch was so close, it nearly bowled me over. "Yessir, he continued, rising up and down on his toes, "this baby.....> the idea is to help your reader identify with the dude, paint a picture by breaking up the run on descriptives, and helps keep the pace going smoothly.
WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
........... I presume this is a steam whistle, but to be safe and sure for the reader, a slight insert is suggested in the opening paragraph below... another what d'ya think you can yea or nay. IE:
The steam whistle's sound was my salvation. I hurriedly turned----> suggest two sentence vs the "and" and reverse position of adv...
Practiced smile, confident greeting, a wink for the kids; don’t worry, my lined face seemed to say, I care, and wish that your day crammed into a noisome little compartment be as pleasant as my own: leathery skin soaking up the fall rays, sipping from a frosty jug of hard cider home-brewed from last year’s apples.
........... this segment here seemed a little awkward staring in the passive voice, and suggest consider changing to an active voice for a little more impact...ie:
I beamed with a practiced smile, and with a confident greeting and a wink for the kiddies, my lined face seemed to say: I care; I wish that your day crammed into a noisome little compartment be as pleasant as my own. My leathery skin soaked up the fall rays, sipping from a frosty jug of hard cider home-brewed from last year’s apples. suggest adding "while", as the way it reads, could be the "rays" are sipping from a jug. Also, I believe "frosty" might be changed as it denotes something refrigerated, and not from a stream as we're to learn.
...... again, try breaking up some of your sentences, give it more punch as your words and delivery are quite good, painting a good image of colorful characters... but also on the tail end of this last P, I got a little confused. Where did the jug of cider come in; guy was on duty greeting rail passengers I thought, and in the coming P, we somehow got to a stream where he and Raymond got into an exchange. Fix this up for pace and flow if possible.
“Raymond,” I said after.... I said, after---> (insert comma, and similar, a number of places need the little punc fixes.... some of them with apostrophe use as they're misplaced... you'll find them if going over the read carefully. Also, you switch from Raymond to Ray in a few spots, so for what d'ya think, suggest sticking with Raymond as it seems more in confident, colorful character, and, will be consistent.
“Oh sure, I got a dream, ‘an a plan too,” he announced matter-of-factly.
"Oh sure, I got a dream. An' a plan, too, puncs... could use an elipse (...) after dream as well if you wish to maintain the same thought.
“I’m gonna follow in the footsteps‘o my
"I'm gonna follow in the footsteps o' my Punc
Crickets chirped, the far bank faded into violet gloom. An errant gust enveloped me in a warm cloud of steam from the nearby station. Still playing with his blasted engine, I thought darkly..... suggest italicize the thought; Still playing with his blasted engine,
next few P's have Punc issues... you'll see them
“Ray,” I said softly into the twilight, “how can you ride an entire herd of horses?”
I started from the half doze his words had lulled me into and carefully climbed to my feet. Then I picked well known way up the path to my cottage by the station...... seems a missing word after "picked"
My shout was lost in the scream of the engine as it shifted into gear.
The train picked up speed, black smoke pouring from the huge stack. Raymond eyed the approaching monster, and grinned as the dark cloud engulfed him. Then the engine was past and car after car accelerated below him. As the last car approached I began to hope, but just as it reached the bridge a shudder rippled through Raymond and he seemed to fling himself in one giant leap directly onto the exposed mountain of coal.
........ here, in what sets up for a great, comical ending where it made me laugh, but the logic seemed off and made me question what was happening, disruptinog the pace. IE: the coal car is usually attached directly to the engine compartment, not after car after car accelerated below him...or am i missing something?
At any rate, with a little work, some routine clean up editing stuff we all have, I t hink the story is a colorful, reader-engaging read. You have a distinct styel which I think will serve you well. Again, welcome aboard this three-thousand literary horsepower beast we call WDC. |
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