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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
An interesting concept, and quite a challenge to achieve setting, plot development, and the contest's characterization's objective complete with a theme in so short a story. But, I tried with my newest WDC item and Contest Entry, . Did it get posted properly for consideration? Thank you, and above all, hope you and your judges enjoy.

DRSmith
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27
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well, for your very first short story, you did a terrific job. You do have talent. Your story has all the right ingredients...ie: beginning with a theme, emotional conflict, excellent dialog, and an overall ability to keep the reader engaged. Just a few spots within the opening paragraphs that mere suggested edits which may either help tighten, or, inspire a little tweak... you be the judge and take such input for what they're worth. IE:

You have a good opening segment, but in my view, you can smooth out the pace and its impact a hair... for example:
<<<One year, my brother visited France for a month. He left as my brother........... I found this segment to be a little awkward to the reader, literary speed bumps we call them, and don't want them in opening lines if you're to keep the reader sailing through to the end... here, and little bit further where you mentioned "civil engineering" as a study course, which stopped me to question logic as these kids are only sophomore age and would not likely have "engineering"... it's two words that don't really have any significance to help the piece, so why not drop in any class to keep the reader moving along? Secondly, a good metaphoric segment using the door frame as your photogenic composition...but, you were too redundant in words and image. Suggest a little tweak there as well. Here's my overall thinking, something akin to the following for your opening. See what you think.
..........but he returned as a raging alcoholic. I was sixteen. He was seventeen.

One year, my brother visited France for a month. He was seventeen, a year older than me when he left as a kind and sensitive sibling, but returned as a raging alcoholic. I remember sitting in class the day he came home. Mrs. Love was chiseling away at my youth with a lecture on political science. I stopped taking notes at that point and began to stare at the signs Mrs. Love had hung around the room. Laminated pieces of paper indoctrinating the class with words like: "Persevere!, Peace, and Love Everyone."
Mrs.Love's voice faded into white noise. My mind adrift, I glanced outside the classroom, the open door framing artful composites of anyone who passed by. It was then my fanciful game caught me by surprise when I recognized, or at thought I had recognized, my brother.

...... in next paragraph... "put forth in his clothing choice" seemed a little awkward... perhaps a change to "attire", "dress", "disheveled clothes", or???

Later on, I'd noticed in couple spots, excellent use of personal insight, emotion, and metaphors that tend to mark your style...in such a way that your words embedded in my brain like the key words you hear and repeat from movies.. like: "go ahead punk, make my day" and so on. I'll point them out to you:
<<<<<On that particular night, one of the cows came unusually close to me. It was hilarious. His big round eyes were like glossy marbles that bobbed up and down as he chewed on a wad of stringy grass. He stared at me blankly, and every minute or so he would lower his head to pick up more grass. I guess I had peaked his interest. For a while I didn't say anything, but his steadfast glare seemed to indicate that he was expecting me to speak, so I finally did. >>> by the way, "peaked" above, should be: piqued.
AND ANOTHER: <<<<< When it snows, God whispers, and the world stops in its tracks to hear what He has to say. The only problem is that God's voice carries at a frequency too high for us to hear. He discloses the secrets of salvation, but we can't even hear them. Instead of learning what God has to say, we are rewarded with an eerie silence. When it snows, my soul's thirst for knowledge and stimulation fades away.>>>>>>>>> AND, if it were me, you did such a beautiful job on this metaphor, I'd remove the second sentence as it tends to deflate the significance of the opening sentence. Let one "hear" with their heart and not their ears. .... ie: try: When it snows, God whispers and the world stops in the eerie silence to hear what He has to say. For me, He discloses the secrets of the Cosmos, of supernal enlightenment and salvation.
................... such may help confirm your theme, and of the emotional tug o war that's going on in the younger brothers head which will culminate in tragedy... of his obvious love and concern for his older brother; perhaps his hero and source of guidance fading away with ever increasing sense of dread. You've done a beautiful job or portraying the emotional conflict within the younger brother... .using well the literary technique of "show, don't tell". Well done.

The ending was well done... showing the emotional turmoil and tragedy was at least neutralized, however disconnected through denial, and brought the reader full circle with the title and the personal impact developed throughout.

DRSmith
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Review of Crystal Painting  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This isn't my particular taste or style that captivates me in poetry, but nevertheless, is in my opinion, a merit-worthy piece that did indeed keep me involved start to finish, all the while your descriptives doing a nice job of painting images I found soothing, and in sync with a creative, interesting pattern. So, overall, a job well done.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
*UmbrellaB* This review may or may not be part of a shower from "Invalid Item,
but nevertheless is part of the wonderful work they do. *UmbrellaB*


Good day, Gailey

Consistent with your item's title, you are indeed entitled to "your take" on nursery rhymes, but if your item is meant to be an essay of sorts by alluding to the impressionistic or psychological impact such rhymes of old might have upon our youth, I believe your approach (theme) has missed the mark entirely. You're allusions to content have been taken way out of context and too literal which undermines any reference to their original, often historical meanings... whereby many people would likely find quite interesting.

For example, Old English nursery rhymes, whether in sing-song format or not, are still popular today; obviously survived several generations. But rather than suggest they may be simple entertaining rehearse for tickling the imagination of "children", let alone accepted in the literal sense, the rhymes were commonly used for mocking and/or disguising the truth of nobles, monarchies, and events. In their often poetic form, they helped town criers and the populace commit such "themes" to memory given the high rate of illiteracy of the day. Many times, parents used them for teaching children morals. Others parodied sensitive political issues when an outspoken dissent could have meant death. For example, a few common rhymes you may find interesting are perhaps:

Mary Mary, quite Contrary... which was not about a little girl with a odd taste in horticulture... but about "Bloody Mary,'” Queen Mary Tudor's sinister ways with victims of her wrath, such as the rhyme "The Three Blind Mice" you referenced... who were a trio of Protestant Nobleman who met a gruesome fate from the staunch Catholic and certainly wasn't about animal cruelty. In addition, her "contrarian garden” was actually a graveyard of those who dared adhere to the Protestant movement. Many were burned at the stake while others were subjected to “silver bells and cockle shells”; horrible instruments of torture. Others were beheaded by guillotine, a device first used in England and not in France as most people may think. The English colloquial name for it was “Maiden”, only shortened to: “pretty Maids all in a row.”

“Jack and Jill” is another, only about the French Aristocracy. During France’s Reign of Terror in the late 1700’s, “Jack and Jill” memorialized the beheading of King Louis XVI who “lost his crown” under the guillotine; followed by his Queen, Marie Antoinette, who “came tumbling after.”

Other rhymes had little to do with people, but were of things— like “Ring a Ring o’ Rosies” which described the tell-tale circular markings the Bubonic plague left on the skin. Another popular lyric (one of my favorites) was of “Humpty Dumpty”, a colloquial expression for obesity during England’s Civil War of the mid 17th century. “Humpty” was the nickname of a massive cannon used to defend the walled town of Colchester, a Royalist stronghold. Adjacent to the castle stood St. Mary’s Church where the cannon was affixed to its wall. While under siege, a chance shot by the Parliamentarian “Roundhead’s” hit the foundation beneath it, the wall crumbled, and ‘Humpty had a great fall’. The Royalists, “with all the King’s horses, and all the King’s men,” failed to raise the heavy beast, and thus: “couldn’t put Humpty together again;” forcing the Royalists to lay down their arms in surrender.

More rhymes were dedicated to reflect common occurrences, such as craftsman like “Simple Simon,” hawking pies at County fairs. Others spoofed sensitive political issues, such as “Baa Baa Black Sheep” dating to the 13th century when England’s wool trade was a major economic resource for King Edward I who imposed unpopular export taxes. He demanded duty on wool leaving from any port, hence: of “three bags full, one for the Master” was set aside to fatten Royal coffers.

Many "nursery rhymes" in a way, exist today, only contained in song refrains (remember the protest era of the late '60's and early '70's, or the rather crude and distasteful lyrics cited by Rap and "hip hop" artists today. Same principal. If anything, that's the kind of crap that's desensitizing and corrupting our youth, and not nursery rhymes of yore mistakenly thought to be literal group of lullabies for Baby Jane.

As for technical skills, I saw nothing that would merit significant editing as it's evident you have literary talent. Only in this case, as your reader, your audience (whether I could be wrong in my interpretation or not), I found the content, vis a vis what I deem your theme suggesting old rhymes have an adverse political or psychological impact on today's youth, was not conveyed; it failed to register and hence the moderate rating.
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Review of Still Here  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's a brilliant piece... the opening lines a clear hook for a truly captivating, engaging, piece... on that evolves from what must certainly be total despair to an unfurled seed of perseverance. The ending sums it up perfectly. A typical Fyn Wyngdynger. Well done, and one I can nearly relate to personally having had my Michigan farm sideswiped by a devastating tornado.
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Review of Gravity Rising  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Seldom do I stop and say a word unless truly motivated by a superb piece, or one only a mere edit or two from being same. This is, in my opinion, a wonderful read... not overly dramatic, but a theme capable of evoking thought and perhaps emotion... written with strength, pace, and well chosen words that work hard for the piece. Show's talent for poetry vs sentimental dribble. Stay with the craft.
drsmith
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Review of Chicago Roulette  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You've got me hooked today. You have a very distinct style, one I find entertaining and for the most part, very well written in every case. A "story teller's" style that grabs a reader and keeps one involved. No sense going into any details on technique or what not.... but just purely entertaining read. It's what we all strive for, isn't it? I'll be back for more pie and pralines.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
Saw this in the newsie this week, and the first thing that grabbed was the title, then the by-line... then when I started reading, the writing was, in my view, rather strong with clever us of just the right words that worked hard for the piece, and set the pace that kept me riveted... the whole thing was "nonsensical" (which made it humorously captivating... quirky, I'd say, and delivered in such a unique way it was truly entertaining from start to finish.

You painted a very distinct setting, characterization, and I especially liked the interaction between you and the proprietor... consistent with the opening descriptive personality (a lot of writers fail to achieve). You're a talented writer; refreshingly so.

all the best
drsmith
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
with poetry pieces I encounter, I seldom stop to say hello unless the piece woos me in, keeps me interested, flows well, and demonstrates genuine meaning and/or theme vs so much high school "johnny's left me" drivel I normally see... in other words, a solid piece of poetry that's soothing to the reader. This qualifies. Just a tid bit that's not critique, but one of flow for me, in line: Rigid sails are filled with breezes flying over seas; just a suggestion, but could consider changing "over" to "oe'r the" seas... seems to smooth over the cadence, gives it more expanse? What you think? Congrats on the win.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, actually looking to check out your bio since I seem to have found me a fast new buddy, and a cleverly witty one at that, from down under when I came across this piece first. Terrific piece... the only things missing are ME and a cold Fosters, and someone who can play the guitar, and away we go with this piece... should be a big hit on the Aussie charts, don't ya think?
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
What more can one say... what a terrific tribute to a terrific writer I too admired when first getting my feet wet in here. And you say you're a old and forgetful poet.. ehhem, I dare say you're quite the clever one with a nib yourself. And as for thinking you're old, I wouldn't say that either; you're like me... just need ironing.

all the best,
drsmith
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Review of A Poet's Poem  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
an interesting and worthy depiction of poetry. I'm not familiar with the format, but it was well done and suits the piece quite well. If I had to suggest one little thing, I suggest changing the reference of the orange to an onion, as the orange's "image" isn't one of "layers" per se, but the onion sure is. Just a thought for what its worth.

enjoyed
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Review of Today, I Will  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Jesus. I think you were walking in your sleep as the subconscious seemed to have resounded with the thunder of a kettle drum, stopping you in your tracks to empty the metaphorical mind of its power... beautifuly and well chosen words in sequential logic with a romantic flair attributed to the bards of yesteryear... and then left your mark with a hauntingly impressive signature in the wind. Wish I'd have said it is about the best accolade I can bestow upon my editor in chief. Jesus.
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Review of La' Guillotine  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good day Demo,
I'd stumbled upon one of your other pieces, the title tag catching my eye and was rather impressed... but will get to that one later. Hence, I thought the talent I'd seen with The Dawn of Romance deserved a further look into your port, and came across this piece. Again, a nice piece, though a few comments more than the other.

I usually only stop to review when I'm motivated by the piece and/or the talent behind it, as well if I feel I can contribute and help inspire the author to consider edit and what d'ya think suggestions, which you're free to consider, use, ignore, or modify however you're so inclined.

The overall impression was a nice read, clearly from the start I knew I was in the the French revolutionary era, let alone the title (btway... did you know the guillotine originated in England, not France as most anyone would think? lol In the English nursery rhyme, Mary Mary, quite contrary... it's a polictical barb directed at Mary, Queen of Scots who was also referred to as "bloody Mary", infamous for her intolerance of anti-Catholic sentiment where she tortured and murdered so many who opposed her beliefs... her "how does your garden grow" refers to a graveyard of burials... and the three blind mice rhyme was a reference to thee noblemen who crossed her. Any rate, the final line containng: with pretty maids (short for "maiden") all in a row, are guillotines, the English name for them was "maiden".

Back to your poem. No real need to comment on the obvious skill and talent... pace, style, or content for theme. It's all there. But, will share a few spots for consideration.

One by one the line gets smaller.
One by one our France grows taller.
My darling love is coming near
To death, though none will shed a tear.
Those demon hearts of lead.
................... here, the opening two lines seem tedious, forced...and the inference that "France" gets taller doesn't seem to convey the times, or the event. I think if you played around with it a little, you might stengthen it, letting well selected words work harder for the piece. For inspiration sake, allow me a what d'ya think: something akin to:
One by one with hearts of lead
The ruling French will soon behead
My darling love, her time is near
for her, save thee, none shed a tear

I hear around me shouts of joy.
A Vicomte, our Saint’s latest toy,
Has met a royal traitors end.
And now who will the people send?
My most darling lover.
.............. look over the last line... again, the rhythmic pace seems "off", perhaps a little forced where if played with a hair, might could make more dramatic? ie: my soul, my life, my lover or???

She loved too much I fear to say,
She had a sorry lapse that day.
She had a sister, who had wed ---> dele "who had", and maybe: freshly wed,
A man born in that class now dead. ---> a nobleman of class, now dead ???
They left undercover. ---> suggest changing "left", a weak word for the act, to "fled"; also consistent
........... above, only slight suggestions to consider, intent to help inspire word selection for effect?


My sweet helped them, to England flee,
But she stayed here in fair Pari’.---> just a thought, but the "here" in fair Pari' seems a little weak, perhaps a stronger word; something akin to: Yea she remained, or Yea she stayed behind in old Pari.. the "old" I think helps confirm the changing of the guard vs a possible impression of "fair, gay", or something other than a revolution


Step by step she climbs the staircase,
Step by step, and she lifts her face.
She looks into my dying eyes,
But in her pride she never cries.----> another mere thought.. the "in her" seems a bit colloquial, and suggest a reconsideration... perhaps something akin to: But bearing her pride???
Unless the tears are gay.

She's beauteous in final prayer.
She begs reprieve from Satan’s lair.
She bows her head at God’s own name,
She blesses Him, The Three and Same.... "and" vs "She" ????
Then bends to meet her God. ....if me, I'd consider "kneels" vs bends, as she'd be on her knees with a guillotine

The guard he plays his wooden drum.-----> just a thought: "wooden" seems like you're seaching for a filler word, and doesn't really help the line, or theme here.. maybe "somber" to set a mood????

My mind is blank, my mouth is dumb.
The blade comes slowly down and down,..... I'd definitely consider changing this, as most anyone reading and understanding it's a guillotine, won't expect it to come "slowly" down, perhaps up; so maybe something akin to: the blade aloft, thence sharply down ???
And what comes next ale cannot drown.
Her race she has now trod.

Silence reigns for seconds and years,...... instead of "and" which denotes, a combo of time, when I think you're trying to convey a sense of suspended time... so maybe change "and" to "as" ??

Overall, a good read... a little tweak here and there, and much stronger piece worthy of your obvious skills. Next, i'll get to The Dawn of Romance.... a real powerful piece.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
good day, AJ... assumin' I can calls you AJ, or AJJ, or JJ? as long as I don't calls you, Johnson? lol (from a famous skit on an old tv comedy show, Laugh In should you not be familar... you see, i'm old coot)

*UmbrellaB*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaB*


Firstly, I note you're less than a month old, so on behalf of a good bunch in here, allow me to welcome you to WDC. Secondly, a fault of mine perhaps, is I tend to be pretty fussy when I choose to review an item, whereby despite it's genre or style, unless I see something that grabs in some fashion, I don't don't normally stop to say hello. So, you've accomplished the hard part... getting my interest. But, in reading your piece, there are several areas that for the most are mere edits whether careless self-editing, overlooks, or what nots... in other words easy fixes... some others perhaps need a little consideration of technique in my view.

The overall impression is what's the real good part, in that I see a very distinct style, one of genuine entertainment, good way with words, espeically in giving your characters life with a number of little eccentricities, etc...all of which translate to keeping an audience riveted to a read. With a little polish, your writing, in my view, will likely excell to where you'll be a heck of story teller. Now for the edits and comments, some of which do need fixing, others are for what d'ya thinks...you be the judge as mere suggestions from one lit dude to another, and others I believe are meant to demo technique where I as your reader, hit a few literary speed bumps I think could be smoothed over. Here we go.

“She’s a beaut’ alright.”
The dumpy engineer affectionately slapped a thick hand on the glistening chrome of the new engine, heedless of the greasy print left behind. “3,227 drawbar horsepower,” he boasted, “clocked it myself jus this mornin’.”
“Yessirree,” he continued, tucking his thumbs into his belt and rising up on his toes, his paunch so close it nearly bowled me over, “this baby can pull just ‘bout any load ‘sever been stuck on the back of a railcar, ‘an faster’n any other engine to boot.”
.................... great start; got my attention (your style) right away. Only a couple things. The affectionately works ok, but for a what d'ya think, does it really help the piece here, so soon... your reader trying to adjust his vision with your imagery? Reason; affectionately seems to contrast with "slapped", even tho I get it...sort of like a pat on the back, but when a reader sees those two words together, it can confuse the mind trying to form an impression. You know your character, but we don't, as yet. Suggets dele affectionately here, perhaps "show" the reader how affectionately impressed he is in a sentence or two...for example, you do achieve that in his boasting of the HP...
.............. on that note, when in dialog, spell out the numbers, and especially here since your character is emphasizing... ie: yessiree, bub; three-thousand... two-hundred... twenty-seven drawbar horsepower. Clocked it myself this mornin'." Note the period after hp, and new sentence.
......... perhaps start the next sentence with your descriptive, ie: His thumbs tucked into his belt, his paunch was so close, it nearly bowled me over. "Yessir, he continued, rising up and down on his toes, "this baby.....> the idea is to help your reader identify with the dude, paint a picture by breaking up the run on descriptives, and helps keep the pace going smoothly.


WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
........... I presume this is a steam whistle, but to be safe and sure for the reader, a slight insert is suggested in the opening paragraph below... another what d'ya think you can yea or nay. IE:

The steam whistle's sound was my salvation. I hurriedly turned----> suggest two sentence vs the "and" and reverse position of adv...

Practiced smile, confident greeting, a wink for the kids; don’t worry, my lined face seemed to say, I care, and wish that your day crammed into a noisome little compartment be as pleasant as my own: leathery skin soaking up the fall rays, sipping from a frosty jug of hard cider home-brewed from last year’s apples.
........... this segment here seemed a little awkward staring in the passive voice, and suggest consider changing to an active voice for a little more impact...ie:
I beamed with a practiced smile, and with a confident greeting and a wink for the kiddies, my lined face seemed to say: I care; I wish that your day crammed into a noisome little compartment be as pleasant as my own. My leathery skin soaked up the fall rays, sipping from a frosty jug of hard cider home-brewed from last year’s apples. suggest adding "while", as the way it reads, could be the "rays" are sipping from a jug. Also, I believe "frosty" might be changed as it denotes something refrigerated, and not from a stream as we're to learn.
...... again, try breaking up some of your sentences, give it more punch as your words and delivery are quite good, painting a good image of colorful characters... but also on the tail end of this last P, I got a little confused. Where did the jug of cider come in; guy was on duty greeting rail passengers I thought, and in the coming P, we somehow got to a stream where he and Raymond got into an exchange. Fix this up for pace and flow if possible.


“Raymond,” I said after.... I said, after---> (insert comma, and similar, a number of places need the little punc fixes.... some of them with apostrophe use as they're misplaced... you'll find them if going over the read carefully. Also, you switch from Raymond to Ray in a few spots, so for what d'ya think, suggest sticking with Raymond as it seems more in confident, colorful character, and, will be consistent.

“Oh sure, I got a dream, ‘an a plan too,” he announced matter-of-factly.
"Oh sure, I got a dream. An' a plan, too, puncs... could use an elipse (...) after dream as well if you wish to maintain the same thought.

“I’m gonna follow in the footsteps‘o my
"I'm gonna follow in the footsteps o' my Punc

Crickets chirped, the far bank faded into violet gloom. An errant gust enveloped me in a warm cloud of steam from the nearby station. Still playing with his blasted engine, I thought darkly..... suggest italicize the thought; Still playing with his blasted engine,

next few P's have Punc issues... you'll see them


“Ray,” I said softly into the twilight, “how can you ride an entire herd of horses?”


I started from the half doze his words had lulled me into and carefully climbed to my feet. Then I picked well known way up the path to my cottage by the station...... seems a missing word after "picked"

My shout was lost in the scream of the engine as it shifted into gear.



The train picked up speed, black smoke pouring from the huge stack. Raymond eyed the approaching monster, and grinned as the dark cloud engulfed him. Then the engine was past and car after car accelerated below him. As the last car approached I began to hope, but just as it reached the bridge a shudder rippled through Raymond and he seemed to fling himself in one giant leap directly onto the exposed mountain of coal.
........ here, in what sets up for a great, comical ending where it made me laugh, but the logic seemed off and made me question what was happening, disruptinog the pace. IE: the coal car is usually attached directly to the engine compartment, not after car after car accelerated below him...or am i missing something?

At any rate, with a little work, some routine clean up editing stuff we all have, I t hink the story is a colorful, reader-engaging read. You have a distinct styel which I think will serve you well. Again, welcome aboard this three-thousand literary horsepower beast we call WDC.
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Review of LOST N FOUND  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good day,
Happened to spot this item as a recent posting. Overall, I think you have the makings of an aspiring writer, but do need to polish up a few fundamental techniques. The first thing, re-format the entire piece to show separation (line spacing) between paragraphs to make the reading a little easier for your audience. Browse through a few items in here to get an idea of what I'm talking about.

As for technique, you need to separate dialog into respective speakers, each opening with a new paragraph. Fundamental.

Another item of note, and there's a word for it which escapes me at the moment, but let's call in redundancy in descriptive phrases...for example, in just one little section below, I'll demonstrate.

<<I slowly turned my head around to see what made that horrific noise. I was relived to see a baby bear. Then, my relief turned back into fear, because I knew the mom would be close by. ”Don’t move yet” Tray whispered.>>
........................ here, the "around" and relief "back into" ......... where if you were simply say:
I slowly turned my head to see what [had] made that horrific noise. I was relived to see [it was only] a baby bear. Then, my relief turned to fear; I knew the sow would be close.
....... new paragraph ”Don’t move,” Tray whispered.
another with a little rework to demo: << I was so happy to see her that I ran over to her and hugged her.>> try: I was so happy to see her, I ran to her open arms.

Do you see how much tighter just a few words and placement can make? Note the speaker Tray is different from your narrator..so it needs a new paragraph. Go through your story and find and fix similar....ie: another example: <<I fell asleep safe and sound in my friends arms.>> vs: I fell asleep in my friend's arms (you need a possessive comma in friends as well)

You also had a typo (word or punc missing) or two as well. When you rework it, you should catch them.

I also note you're new, so welcome to WDC. The skills will come with practice and writing, writing, writing. I believe you have the underlying talent, so stick with it.

DRSmith


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Review of Black Abyss  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (4.5)
*UmbrellaB*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaB*


I stumbled upon this item when WDC featured a Read a Newbie... and though its far from my personal taste (free form) and genre in poetry, I found your effort so captivating in ways that it inspired me to stick around for a review...the type I seldom give unless I see something either powerful, well written, potential, and talented that I'm inspired to say hellow.

I think this piece qualifies, and for the love of me, don't have a clue as to who or how two previous reviews could consider awarding an avg of only 2 1/2 stars... unless, like i personally encountered yesterday, inane idiots found their way to your port, or, your poetic style and potential is beyond their intellectual capabilities... but whatever, this piece deserves a few comments for whatever it's worth.

As stated, though I've been published, my style and technique is in another room, so I may be amiss in comments, but they're honest and offered not so much as critique, but with a desire to share thoughts, ideas, and what d'ya think suggestions you can do with as you wish.

Overall, I think this is a powerfully written piece... one which conveys deep drama and imagery, as such well-written poetry should. You've managed to develop a poetic style... a refreshing start from what I've seen here and another (Moon Rise... which I have a few comments on) that overcomes what I've seen so many aspiring poets fail to accomplish... and that is the careful selection and deliberate use of key words that work so hard for a piece. That's what corralled me in.

However, I do have a few suggestions as noted which may help strengthen the piece, but again, from only my perspective as your reader since this is not my style... to wit:

What have you wrought?
A miasma of sickness as perceptions writhe.
................... this line seemed to have stopped me for a bit. It's what I call literary speed bumps, best to try avoid fo keep your readers pace smooth and flowing... I think its the combo of "sickness" and "persception" with the verb, "writhe" that throws me, because I'm having trouble conjuring an image, a why, or what's going on in my mind...and so early (tantamount) in the poem. If I may suggest, since you open with a question whereby a reader is likely to presume the author is emotionally distraught, addressing an unforeseen transition of life, a love thriving in innocence yet withers in reality?.... perhaps using a bit of alliteration and choice of words to allude to an underserved, wayward love gone sour IE, something akin to?:

What have you wrought
as your miasma of misconceptions writhe?


Once we savoured innocence,............ suggest interchanging Once with we...ie: We once savoured, or.. a savoured love ______ in, by, with innocense ie: a savoured love ordained (draped, wrapped, divine with) by innocense

Untained and wide-eyed, ............ did you mean "untainted" ?
But your thirst paled. ...... merely a thought; but rid the punc at paled, and perhaps follow with:
A vengeful morass of pain - ........ steeped in a vengeful morass of pain.

Tears follow rain, follow blood,
Follow a love left to die.
In a torrent of sorrow, Give us life again.
.......... in the above segment, I'm not sure if the multi-use of follow is the strongest it could be if you're intent is to convey a sequence of consequences, and if the use of "blood" here is too melodramatic vis a vis the emotional strength conveyed throughout... meaning, a reader might be diverted into thinking violence is introduced versus the emotional drain... so for a what d'ay think, might want to reword or dele "blood" and stick with the powerful loss of love. Something akin to what follows to inspire or ignore as you deem fit. IE:

Tears flowed like rain;
torrents of sorrow
drained a love left to die. .... or left to wither and die?
Oh, how I lust for love again. or similar, as for me, the last line suddently thrust off the side and out of place tends to take the readers emotional attachment with it...finding it disruptive and distracts from the overall powerful piece of poetry above it. Might also want to consider adding a closing, rhyming line that effectively seals the emotional thought for both the orator and reader...perhaps something akin to:
Oh how I lust for love again,
and pray the time is nigh. or, could do a reverse, showing more distress... lest ne're the time is nigh... or, yet pine for a love passed by
...... whatever, a few thoughts to inspire?

Overall, from this piece and your other, I think you have a very sensitive mind and style for poetry, as well as the talents to hone and deliver items of perfection. So you must carry on.

In closing, I notice you're a very recent newbie, and wish to welcome you to WDC with a thousand GP's to help you get started. Also suggest you take a moment to set up your personal profile as its my guess, you're going to please a number of people in here who'll want to know you a little better.

All the best
DRSmith
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Review of Lilac Time  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: E | (5.0)
*UmbrellaB*This review is given on behalf of "Showering Acts of Joy Group*UmbrellaB*



wouldn't you know it... I saw the title somewhere on the opening page, paid no mind to the author when I'd opened, and read a "free verse", something I'm not a fan of UNLESS it touches me somehow. This one did, and I thought... "hmm, a decent author of free verse for a change vs the blithering I usually encounter", so I said, "self, this deserves a review however limited I am in this style. AND THEN.. I spotted the raindrop case, thinking.. oh, someone else has adopted Fyn's....... and then I saw the name. lol

Oh well, what else is there to say. I loved the imagery, perhaps if intended, a meaningful metaphor when referencing the "twilight's end" vis a vis the intro of the senior couple, where the final two, very poignant lines tie it all together.... which, like that couple, says so much with so few words.

If I had to suggest a thing or two, you may want to consider the following... tho' ok as is, but just for what d'ya thinks...
When the dew comes down at twilight's end,
they walk in their garden together.
................... to me, the "comes down" seems a hair too "ordinary" for such a flowery, "scentilating" piece... and thus, maybe a slightly different wording migh work harder for the opening image? Perhaps a what d'ya think with something like:
When the dew embraces twilight's end,
they walk in their garden together.
.......where the "dew", like the couple, and the pair of them drinking in the nature surrounding them..all metaphorically tied together?

Second, what d'ya think............
Lilacs hang like bunches of plump grapes
from the wizened and twisted bushes

to me, and perhaps me alone, but the "bunches" and then combined with plump, seems to throw off the cadence just a hair, maybe even a little forced to get the "plump" syllable as adjective in there. Thus, what d'ya think for pace and a little stronger, hard-working words for the image... for example, something akin to?
Lilacs hang like clustered vineyard grapes
from the wizened and twisted bushes
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Review of Beethoven Speaks  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Just had to pay a second visit after the first brush of genius. I'm a hard core traditionalist, and have little knowledge or taste set aside for free verse. But every now and then, I stumble across a piece that will capture my attention, and move me. Now is "then"... your skill with words is a distinct signature of your style... totally poetic... evniably so. ie:

In morbid moments,
raking hands through riotous hair,
I thought suicide a reasonable trade
for the steady stalk of deafness,
for eternally lagging two steps
behind the salve of a woman's love.

Awesome.... no need to say more. Another masterpiece, for sure.



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Review of Buried Alive  
Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
It wasn't the title (of which I'm still not sure of) but the opening excerpt that caught my attention. Thus, from that perspective, you've accomplished a very effective literary first step.... the hook. Yes, I was hooked big time. Second, I never had a chance to shake the barb; you pulled me along exactly where you wanted me to go.

Hence, superb setting, character, mood, pace...all of which were an effective, mind-penetrating plot line. Though I suspected all along a twist was sure to come, for I didn't wish to believe I was witness to the macabre, the work of a sadistic murderer...but, you worked the suspense, pushing me deeper into believing maybe, maybe this really is where we're going... the hook still buried deep within my jaw.

I'm beginning to think, maybe there is a dark side to this guy to whom I'm beginning to harbor ill feelings for. And then, you deliver me from the emotional depths of repulsion to one of awakenment, of a subtle beauty helping the mind make the transition that much more effective... an ideal literary technique, superbly delivered with well written mastery.

Now, after a reliefing sigh, and a deeper appreciation of my anonymous friend, I clearly see a metaphorical impact by which most anyone can identify with... the average Joe, the everyman, each of us who may feel lost among the masses, yet we will likely, perhaps unknowingly, find our niche that may go unheralded, yet will not pass by unappreciated by those who happen upon our work.

By the way... this is not a critique, but merely sharing a what d'ya think idea from one to another... but your line: <<I close my eyes, sipping a tall glass of lemonade, thinking of my lovely ladies, the ones I’ve had and the ones to come. >> To me, "the ones I've had" depicts a rather clear, sexual image as that's where the mind went, but I was wondering what you might think if it could be said a little differently, still imply the same thing, but also be a little more subtle in line with the emotional attachment to what he's truly referring to..ie, something akin to: I close my eyes, sipping a tall glass of lemonade, thinking of my lovely ladies, the ones who have truly pleasured me and the ones yet to come. or; the dainty ones of pure pleasure and ...... ??? you get the drift. I dunno, what d'ya think; a little softer landing? ah, well, just a thought

I love this piece. More should read it. It has all the ingredients of professional literarture, a neat and wonderul package amazingly pulled together in the space of flash fiction. Well done.
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Review by DRSmith
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A terrific story, and delivered with an even more brilliant craftsmanship. For me, it got off interesting enough, but then suspense along with a riveting read, given the mastery of strength in word use... it built and built to where I couldn't take my eyes of it, even in lieu of distractions begging my attention. That's a write.

A few things that I found particularly well done, were its pace, the use of superbly composed words and phrases that worked hard for the piece, without overdoing which so many authors tend to do... less can be more, and this is a study in such craftsmanship when you portray scenes, tease the senses, get into the minds and their interactive dialog...almost had me wanting to bellow out a few phrases myself... and your development of characters is superbly done... The action scene was magnificent and it put me in the middle, clenching, deeking, and feeling the spent of muscle as well.. brilliant.. ALL of it... a true sign of top notch talent.

Usually when I begin a piece, I let the draft show me what and where, and sometimes make mental notes as I go to where I might find little edits, or speed bumps that don't necessarily detract from the read or the quality of a write, but the little things that can get overlooked and that we all have. I'm hopeful to inspire and suggest to the author to make their work even more compelling... but in this piece, I think only a few "druthers" that i found, and were not necessarily "edits" per se, but only the type of little things one reader sees and envisions over another, and in the spirit of sharing from one writer to another... more of "whay ya thinks" than anything else.

But, having been so captivated by the read, i forgot what and where they were, and of such little nothings i saw, so there's no point in even bothering... BRILLIANT. and more over, a pleasure to read.
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