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51
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Review of The Perfect Storm  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a well written piece. Having survived eleven years of torment I could empathize with the slow simmering anger at the ones who had such glee bullying me.

I have some comments. The retribution taken isn't specific enough it punishes everyone in the town for what only a few did.

I know enough about silver iodide to applaud your choice for using it to cause a snow storm. However A storm weeks long would take an unusual set of circumstances to cause. There has to be moisture in the air to freeze and fall as snow. The temperatures would have to be just right. Too cold or too warm and no snow.

I would think such a freak storm would rouse rescue operations to help the people in the storm. Wouldn't people walk, ski, or use snowmobiles to get out.

You included no information about the amount of snowfall. I survived the blizzard of 1949 and remember looking out a door into a solid wall of snow. We dug our way out a little at a time.
If you included sufficient information about conditions on the ground it would have helped.

I would think that poisoning the water supply would have been more effective if you wanted to kill everyone.

Just my thoughts. take em or leave em.

Moe


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
HI Welcome to WDC. Please take a few moments to fill out your bio.
Every word picture that you draw for us is colored by your life experiences. You are young, just beginning your life compared to me. I am 78 years old and a shut in. I get out t o go to the Dr and one trip per month for supplies.

Thank you for giving me food for thought, I'm sure that your baby has loving grandparents who will help form his earliest memories.

I'd enjoy reading more from you my young friend.


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Review of Hopeless  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. I sincerely hope your experience here will be as fruitful as mine has been.

This is a bit short to really judge. I sense there is much more to this chapter. "GET TO WRITING" I want to hear more.

The few words you have here definitely set a stage for a yet undisclosed event.

Moe


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Review of Chores  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this! It brought a smile and a chuckle to this old man. I'm not sure if that was your intention. You executed the story well and packed a good one into just a few words.

I could find no fault with your word choice or grammar. Good for you.

I look forward to reading more from you my young friend.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good example or an acrostic poem.

This definitely carried a heartfelt message. It doesn't matter that your reader does not definitely know to whom some of the names refer.
The reader can infer that Jim is a son or grandson.

It's difficult to assign a rating to this one,
Thanks for writing it. I'm 78 so I appreciate the fact it was meant to brighten someones day. It does that well.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm reviewing this for a raid.

I like what you have done. It works. I am a great believer in reading my work aloud. Whenever possible I like to hear someone else read what I have written aloud to me. That way you have eye and ear working for you to spot any rough edges which require some smoothing.

I would work on the line "and feed them," It needs balancing.

Just my thoughts use if desired. Toss them if they are less than helpful.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to the world of WDC. I sincerely hope your experiences here will be as rewarding as mine have been.


It is difficult to review just a synopsis. The presentation must be different than just a story. Under normal circumstances I would Peruse your port for awhile to help me know the author better.

I highly recommend that you fill out your bio. It would prove beneficial to you and to your reviewer.

I recommend that you read aloud, or have another read what you've written. That helps you locate potential trouble spots.

TTFN Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Solidarity  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
My rating reflects my belief thatThis is a technically correct piece.

I can remember many of the feelings which you express in this piece. I am 78 years old and time and life's experiences changed my outlook. I still would like to sit down with God and get answers to some of my questions.

I also have a question for you about your concept of equality.

Do you know anything about Genes and the role they play in our development? I recently encountered a small girl with her father in the elevator which power lifted me to my Doctor's office. That little girl will die before I do. She was born with a genetic defect which caused her cancer to appear for her sixth birthday. "What a birthday Gift?"

I on the other hand have successfully battled cancer, lived seventy eight years and watched the world around me all my life. I have asked the question WHY so often it
should be a tattoo on my forehead.

People are different. Some are born with a ticking time bomb in their tiny bodies. Some have the inate ability to become athletes, some do not. Some can learn easily some learn slowlyn and some never learn at all. Some have the ability to lift heavy weights and some can barely lift themselves. Definitely not EQUAL.

The Army of Equals you mention does not exist. Surely you can put uniforms and boots on and march before the supreme leader in North Korea, or Germany or anywhere else.

Uniforms and slogans do not make people equal. The effort to find ones just like me EXCLUDES anyone who thinks differently, or has different physical abilities.

What if Steven Hawking's mother had decided to flush him down the gaping mouth of a porcelain throne instead of raising him.

Equality is a twisted myth to recruit young people into an army of Equals. "Where does that leave me? What about all others who cant wear the stamp of equality which seems so important to you.

Could this world function if everyone were plumbers or medical doctors?

We should celebrate our differences.

Just my opinion I like being different.

MOE


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Review of Even Now  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Interesting...You have the ability to make your reader feel the emotions which you were obviously feeling when you wrote this compelling piece. Hats off to you my friend for writing this. You are willing and don't feel too shy to share with everyone here the feelings you have.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Wild Wind  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I didn't realize that you wrote lyrics..

I like this song. Have you submitted it to any singers?

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Study in Grey  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Welcome to WDC. I hope your experiences here and the people you meet will prove as beneficial to you as mine have for me.

Please note I do not give ratings to make the author feel good. I rate stories according to how well the author communicates with me, the reader.

Your story line is interesting. You have talent no doubt. You would do well to remember that readers here come from all over the world. For many English is their second language.

Then there are dialects of every language. English varies from Kings English to Cockney to Pidgin in the Islands both East and West.

The set of words used to communicate in English varies widely. In the USA our common language has many forms depending upon where you are. North, South, East or west all have their own idioms.

Since the purpose of writing is to communicate with your reader you must select references which you have in common. That definitely aids in communication.

WDC is located in Pennsylvania so many of your readers will be Americans. WDC welcomes all whether you are from the isle of Mann, Sydney, London, or New York City.

I have traveled a lot in the almost eight decades I've been wandering this earth seen much and have hopefully a wide reference.

What I say is just my opinion. I may seem a bit harsh with my judgement. Please remember anything I say is intended to help you communicate. If I fail "That is on me."
**************************************************************************************
First you must decide who the story you are writing is intended to reach. Who is your intended audience?

Will your readers understand the words you used in your story?

Have you painted word pictures to enhance your story?

Is your language accurate? I'd like to point out what could be a typo.

"white sunbeams were splicing through the window" The word splice means the joining of two things together. Rope, fiber optic cable, and even genes can be spliced. Your use of spliced makes no sense to me in this context.

Why do you infer that Ruby is color blind and then later have her remembering colors.

Even now, she could recall the green of the trees in summer and how they drifted into golden and orange and red, like flames - live flames that would burn with just a spark on their bonfire. She recalled the deep blue of a now polluted lake. She remembered the pink of the climbing frame just at the edge of the grand, green (so much green!) field. She would bring a pink jammy picnic of scones and cake with her and she would eat until she could barely move, sat on a tartan blanket on the green grass and it was wonderful.

This section is very hard for me to understand. I would have made it plain with Ruby stabbing her parents an action your readers can identify.

You left a lot in the air, unclear to me.

I spend a lot of time on a review. I read carefully and try to make mental allowances for the differences between my outlook and that of the author.

Did you do a good job communicating with me? My honest answer is NO!

It appears to me this story was written in a hurry. I recommend write, let it rest overnight, pick it up again and check everything again. I don't mean just commas. It might be worthwhile to have someone unfamiliar with what is in your mind read it and see how it speaks to them.

What I see here is definite a diamond in the rough. It needs polishing to let the story you had in mind come through with as little distortion as possible.

Keep Writing. You have raw talent.

If you have questions I will help to the best of my ability.

MO
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Review of Messages  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Poignant questions you ask. If we live long enough we get answers not necessarily what we wanted to hear. Be it known to you my friend you are not alone.

I appreciate the thoughts that you shared.

I like your style of writing and in all fairness I don't feel qualified to offer suggestions to improve this piece. You make me feel some things I'v felt before. If I live that long I'll undoubtedly feel them again.

I have hopes that you will enjoy this little snippet that came to me, reflecting from my fingertips onto the white screen before me

Reflecting is an important part of understanding who I am and where what I write comes
from.

The way I look at things changes, my life, sometimes abruptly. and with so much force that it makes me uncomfortable. I am not too old to broaden my perspective. What I learn may make the rest of my time left here on this earth
more pleasant. One can always hope NO?

Moe


"reflections at the end of the day"

From this place
one can catch
a tiny glimpse
of the other side
of everything
that lies between
what we see reflected
and far below
the pristine surface
where reflecting occurs
life takes new meaning
from the simplest act

Taking time to reflect is its own reward.


(C)Moarzjasac 2020

Moon & Night Sky Sig


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
GRIN

I like this. You pack a lot in this whimsical poem about the finger affliction which often accompanies genius!

GRIN


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Review of Kissing Moon  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This story strikes a chord. I like the fact that it deals with real human emotions. I offer a very slight suggestion for the ending.

(When she smiled at me I was certain this must be a dream. ) I would break the sentence after divorce. I would lose the but before I don't want ... anymore. I would end with I want to be with you. I believe this change makes the story more readable as it has less distracting elements.

Keep writing you have talent.


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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
For the most part this monologue is coherent. This however, is not the way to begin (In conjunction with epistemology, bewildered coherent truth of fallacy falls on deaf ears. As to the reasoning behind such atrocities, one can assume that any assumption has been breathed life through intangibles.) HUH?

I'm 77 and for the most part self educated. I have no letters after my name so you can attempt to communicate with me by being straightforward and to the point. I would advise that you adapt your presentation to suit your readers. Your opening has managed in just a few words to eliminate a large number of your audience.

Don't get me wrong you have valid points but you have managed yo obfuscate the message with your choice of language
66
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Review of Terrors of Tall  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SMILE

I like this very much. It says a lot in a small space.
67
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Review of Tourist Trade  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting, and as I guess horror stories should be horrible.

oooohs should be oohs, ahhhhs should be ahhs Check the spelling of Dracula you added an e.

You used a lot of ... as connectors. My editor flagged several as unnecessary. Some of those … seem recent,

I would change this and lose (of those)

I highly recommend using Grammarly in all your writing. It costs around $100us for a year. I use it every day.

I really liked this story.

MO
68
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time there was a crooked old man with gnarled fingers and old bony legs. Everyday he walked with his large brown dog, one mile down the steep hill from his house to the little store on the highway. He would buy groceries for supper and breakfast lunch the next day.

One day when he was half way down the hill it began to snow. By the time he reached the store his dog, Wolfen, began to whimper. The old man leaned over and scratched behind the dog's left ear. It was its favorite place to be scratched. He stopped whimpering.

When they reached the store the old man started to tie his dog outside to the newspaper rack.

"No need for that, Mo. There is no reason that he can't come inside with you."

In just a few minutes everything was covered with a thickening layer of snow.

Because of that,the old man was unsure just what to do. Until finally it became plain that walking up the hill would be an impossible feat for the old man. Falling
down would likely break his brittle bones.

Mathew, the proprietor and postmaster of the small post office attached to the store, said. "Mo sit down by the stove and stay warm while I get ready to close up before the snow gets so deep that even my jeep won't make it up to your house."

In a short time Matt had everything ready to close. The thick clouds overhead made it darker than normal for this time of year.

"I'll pull around front to pick up you and Wolfen." Matt went out the back door locking it with a loud snap as the bolt secured the door.

Mo stood by the door with his arms full of groceries. He had bought much more than usual because he knew it might be some time before he could come again.

"Are you sure you have enough to last several days, MO?"

"Yes" said Mo, knowing that the few coins in his pocket was all he had left until his social security check came next week.

Matt loaded the two bags of groceries into the back of the jeep Waggoneer.

"Mo," he said. "I know your check wont come till next week. I wouldn't feel right about you running out of supplies. Let's get you more groceries and a bag of dry and a few cans of food for Wolfen. I'll put you on the cuff till you get your check"

Mo stood with the cold wind hitting his face, his eyes filled with tears.
"I don't have any idea how to thank you," choking on the words.

Matt went inside and came out with two bags filled to the top with supplies.

"No thanks necessary, good neighbors take care of each other."

They got into the jeep. Wolfen had his head resting on Mo's knee.

"If the county hasn't plowed your road I'll have Jack Mueller plow it when he plows around the store."

They went up the very steep hill to the old log cabin that Mo lived in.

When they reached it Mo opened the door and both men carried groceries into the small kitchen.

"I'll put another log on the fire. Would you like a drink of home made whiskey? I make about three gallons a quarter. That way I stay legal and the Feds leave me alone."

Mo poured a generous shot into a jelly glass. "This is the fiftieth year I've been making my own liquor. Got it perfected now." He laughed.

"I thought you ate a lot of sugar," laughed Matt.

"I just make enough for my own use, and if a friend drops by I can give him a drink."

Matt raised the glass cautiously to his lips taking a small sip of the slightly amber liquid. "Wow, this is mild and very smooth."

"Mo chuckled, not too fast Matt, this is 180 proof, my grandfather's recipe."

They sat and talked for awhile. Finally Matt said, "Since you do not have a phone, I'll come by and check on you. Do you have enough wood?"

"Check out my woodpile beside the house. I work on building a good supply, a little at a time since I can't chop wood all day like I used to," Mo laughed.

"Really piling up fast, Mo. I need to get home and check on my wife and grand daughters."

Mo extended his gnarled hand, it was completely engulfed by big Matt's hand.

"Stay warm" they both said at once.

Wolfen followed Matt to the door but would not venture outside.

Soon the jeep left Mo's driveway. "Matt is a real friend," said Mo as he rubbed the dog's left ear.

The dog gave a little bark of agreement. Winter and silence descended on the ancient log cabin on the top of the hill.

Moarzjasac wolf sig
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Review of Sensory Words  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for this piece.

Using sensory words gives a whole other dimension to writing. A flat piece assumes shape, has color and acquires qualities with which the reader can relate. I continually tell people that I review that they need to use sensory words.

We recently had a group discussion about that very thing at the writers group sponsored by our local library. We have about 30 members with usually half attending a particular meeting. If it is ok with you I will reprint this and pass it out to our newbies group that meets this coming thursday.

Thank you for taking the time to write this extremely useful piece.
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please accept these suggestions in the spirit in which they are offered.
I am a seventy-five-year-old veteran. My time in southeast asia changed my whole world view.
I like the premise upon which this poem is based. There is definitely no way to go back.
Please understand this review is intended to help. Sometimes it is difficult for me to say what
I intend in an acceptable way. Forgive me for anything less. I would really like to have you
let me know if this review is helpful. Also please tell me if the manner that I present my views
is acceptable.

This review is for you to use in any manner you wish. Take the helpful hints and discard the rest!

I avoid contractions unless I am writing in a rigid format where every syllable has to fit a predesigned pattern.
I do not do well with rigid formats although sometimes it is good practice to use one.

I believe poetry in general is meant to be read aloud. Try it. Or you could have someone read outloud what you wrote.

It is a very good way to find room for improvements.




It's not the same Nothing is the same (It) is not specific
something is missing
only an abstracts in oflife remains
no-one's listening mixed metaphor abstract refers to a drawing, or painting you don't listen to abstract art} No one is looking closely??


before they're We areready pay close attention to the sound when you readaloud
after they're we aregone
It's not the same
whose path you're that we started upon

everything changes
turns the pastall things must pass
rivers flowto oceans
sandsfuses to glass

if ever whenI'm ready
if ever I the day that Ileave
no lies to anyone
I willnever deceived

there's always forever
there's never today passes quickly
everything changes
it's nevernothing ever stays the same


Remember my markups are only suggestions.

Good luck my young friend, keep writing.

Moarzjasac


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like this piece. I offer you some slight suggestions. Please use what you like and leave all else behind.
I am 75years old and sometimes have difficulty communicating my though in a non hurtful way.


Boy, we learn our lesson quick
Sports precision's such areal trick.
None of our tries Nothing we tryseems to click
Then we become enraged and sick...

With every pounce, we seek a prize
But with tons of pizzazz, we realize -
Playing's maybe not so wise;
Gasping pleas and expletive cries.

But sometimes efforts must take hold
Make it They onlywork, don't be when we aren'ttoo bold
Ability's goals are framed, controlled
Then Theysustain that a heart of gold!

Play begins,like wind in our sax
But roll I don't understand the word roll in this contextis Find justwhat the player lacks.
Think posture, desire, earn your stacks
Then cherish how the placespectators reacts...

©

Please let me know if this helped. I really want to be helpful.


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72
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Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: E | (4.0)
This reviewer is 75 years old. I sometimes have difficulty reviewing without ruffling the feathers of the person I am reviewing.

I want you to know my only motivation is to be of help.

You have a good beginning. The suggestions I offer are just that.
Please take what you find useful and discard the rest.


Question: How would a child who did not speak advance to High School?? You might want to make it plain that he does his work without conversation??


Once upon time I guess... I would lose this as it does nothing to enhance your story.
anyhow this is the story of my life and how Iwouldn't talkuntil I was in highschool.x}So I wouldn't talk when When I was three years old. We went to the doctor. and

I definitely had a voice I just wouldn't talk. I was four and whenI went to kindergarten. I would not talk too anyone, not even the teacher. People would talk to me, but I wouldn't talk to anyone.I would suggest that he does his work soundlessly

new paragraph When everyone went to lunch and I sat all by myself. That is boring so What does this sentence contribute to your story? WhenI went to recess and I wouldn't talk or play either. I went back to class nothing happened though. I went home to my parents and they asked if my day was good, I of course didn't say a word.new paragraph I ate dinner then got bathed and went to bed. That was how all of the days went by. A long time later when I was now in high school and we got a new kid. We got new kidsall the time but, this felt I don't know just different this time.

So I went to the office and shook her hand she said, "Hello!". I said nothing. She then left to forclass. I went to lunch but, she sat withme

New paragraphThis was vary weird. we both didn't say a word then we went to recess together. I finally said, "Hello", that was the first word that came out of my mouth. that's where my life truly began.

This is an interesting premises for a story. You could expand this with a little work into an interesting and perhaps publishable story.
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Review of New Beginnings  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have the powers of observation and the ability to describe your surroundings that are the hallmarks of a good writer. You have an excellent start here. I recommend that you look up "the elements of a short story." I refer to them when editing my own stuff. I am 75, and still learn every day. Keep writing with your eye on the elusive prize, a great story!

This story needs work. It could really use tightening up, saying the same thing with fewer words.
Slight changes in word order can be very helpful to your reader's enjoyment of this story.

She walked down that street again, she wasn't even aware until it was too late, that she was doing it. It had become a habit, she'd been walking this way for fifteen years, it was a hard habit to break now. Janine looked at the factory where she used to work, smoke still billowing from its chimneys, she wondered, just for a moment, at the damage it was doing to the ozone layer; if she was honest, she didn't much care. Her priority was getting to see her daughter and this was the shortest route, even if it brought back difficult memories; the times she was bullied, the day those women caused an accident that meant she would never work again.

My suggestion showing how I would write this. Fifteen years of walking down this street had become an almost unbreakable habit. It was the shortest route to see her daughterJanine looked at the factory where she used to work, smoke still billowing from its chimneys, she wondered, just for a moment, at the damage it was doing to the ozone layer; if she was honest, she didn't much care. Her prioritynowwas getting to see her daughter.She shut out the difficult memories of the times she was bullied,and the day those women caused the accident which resulted in her never working again.

Just an old man's observations, I am 75 and tend to have strong ideas about the best ways to communicate in writing.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very insightful piece. Reminds all readers that a slight shift in perspective makes all the difference in the world. Your words and ideas flow smoothly and carry your ideas gently into your readers mind. You have a gift! Use it frequently the world will be slightly better for each person who reads your fine work.


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Review of FORGIVE ME FATHER  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Quite interesting piece which can strike a resonance in all who read it. You adhered to your chosen form perfectly, (not an easy task). I can sense that there are some who might disagree with your religious feelings. Reviews are not a place to refute ideologies.

I believe that form, presentation, and technique is what should be the important parts of a review.

Word choice, both for meaning and sound is important.

You did a credible job. Thank you for writing this piece.

Just old MO


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