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201
201
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I can not assign a fair rating to this poem. I felt compelled to write this though. You must write for your audience. Do the words you use communicate to the widest audience? You seriously limited who could easily read this poem when you elected to write in Spanish. That is not a judgement on Spanish or the beautiful examples of every kind of poetry written in Spanish. Just one point. Choose your words, method of presentation, and subject content according to whom you wish to communicate. Then you make the choice. Have I communicated with the widest audience that the medium of W D C will reach? If you are reaching the audience that you desire then enough said. Thousands of members who speak no Spanish will then be deprived the privilege of enjoying what you write, or understanding exactly what you wrote.


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202
202
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I wish we could dialog over a hot cup of tea and perhaps a sweet like pie. the only measure of whether my reviews help or not comes from what you write in return.

Your thoughts are beautiful, and deserve to be recorded for posterity. You have shared a very personal thing. It is emotionally exhausting.

I am very old school. I am 71 and still learning. I still think poetry should be poetic. {What exactly that means is somewhat subjective and varies from one reader to the next}

A long time ago I was fortunate enough to have a teacher who had a profound effect upon me. She was young and full of passion about everything she did. Each morning in my very first class she would read a short poem. We would discuss the poem, then for homework we were charged with writing a 500 word review in our own words. She spent a lot of time after school going over our reviews. She made copious notes and suggestions about the clarity and presentation of our homework.

I only missed once, and I will never forget the strength of her frustration and the look in her eyes. I never wanted to experience that again.

The only thing she said was a sigh "Your Loss."

I am 55 years older now, and I still remember how she said, Poetry is words assembled into something much greater than sum of the parts.

It is my contention that the true litmus test of poetry is to read it aloud. As reviewer I believe it is the least I can do to let a poem bloom from a set of lines into something much greater than the sum of its parts.

My teacher used to say, "A poem should flow smoothly over the lips, and linger on the tongue."

I think of things which linger on the tongue, "The taste of Tupelo Honey," "The bitterness of gall from a freshly killed lamb,"
Polar opposites yet still fuel for thought, and the means of communicating a message laced with the feelings of the author.

I sincerely hope this is somewhat helpful. It would be overpowering for us both if I were to get specific, offering examples.
This review is I hope a flame of inspiration, If you feel you need, or want more help, I am here.

This poem deserves the amount it would take to release the beauty hidden between the lines.


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203
203
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I a piece this short each word takes on increased importance for a reader.

I like your rhyme scheme. You have some of the right words in less than optimum places. This is my OPINION only. Each reader will read through the eyes of their own unique experience. I will offer an alternative way to send your message. It is my way, and offered only to stimulate your creative energies with a look through a distant pair of eyes. If you find it useful, Great! If not come up with your own. It is your piece and the best judge of your story is you. Search for words in your reference books. You will find many words which fill your requirements but only a few and maybe just one will say exactly what you want to say.

You wrote this:

Anywhere else is where I'll be,
Not that I'll bother trying to find me,
The thought, the fears that linger here,
I'll wash away with my last tear.

A voice shouts out in a crowded place,
Not heard by another member of the Human race,
It echoes round my crowded mind,
A harsh reminder of the peace I'll never find.

I lay my head down to rest,
Another day gone and I still didn't do my best,
Tomorrow again, I will try to stand my ground,
To quell the voices and their riotous sound.

******************************************* OPINION OF ONE OLD MAN! I would do this, the final decision of what to say belongs to you. I hope this attempt to communicate your message will light the fire of inspiration for you.


Somewhere else is where I'll be,
Do not bother to try and find me,
The thoughts and fears that linger here,
Will wash away with one last tear.

My voice shouts loud in a crowded place,
Unheard by a single member of the Human race,
Circling round and round within my mind,
A grim reminder of the peace I cannot find.

I find a place my head to rest,
The day is lost, undone my best
Today's thoughts go round and round
As piercing voices of torture sound


The decision to improve, or settle for what you have, is up to you. I think this poem is worth a little more time.

If you ask, I will help. If not?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
204
204
Review of The Dreamer  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm going to offer an alternative for you to consider. My intention here is not to show you the only way, or the best way. It is to open you to a different way of speaking to your reader in a non repetitive clearly expressed moment caught in mind and on the screen.

I dreamed I was to you

A painter: your image on canvas is a masterpiece.

A singer: of songs that open my soul to you.

A sailor: crossing an ocean to see your smile.

A hunter that brings food for you

A racer speeding to your arms

Just me, How much you are to me.

Every other reviewer will have their unique and valuable take on what feels right to them. The question is, What feels right to you? Have you used the sketches from your mind to paint the story on my mind?

Reading aloud reveals both the strengths and weaknesses of any piece. The ear hears what the eye fails to see. I find it is the litmus test to which I subject poems, both mine and yours. It is a good starting point. The rest is using your tools to assemble the best poem that you can.

Much success to you


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205
205
Review of Into The Woodland  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is much better use of sense words that help your readers enjoy your poem. You still have syntax errors which subtract from your poem.

Do you have someone to mentor you through the learning process of dealing wit the oddities of English?

A quick example: You wrote "Echoes were sung beneath the leaves of every tree,
Like chimes that dance and blend with the wind,
Glowing spring flowers comforted me with their scent,
Taking my visions in their gleaming skin."

A song can echo but you do not sing an echo. This use of the word echo is confusing to most readers.

My recommendation is that you use all the reference materials available to you. I still use a 1959 Library Edition of Websters Unabridged Dictionary. I picked up Used for $3. I spent another $7.50 for repairs to the binding. Now it is the most used book in my library.

This is how I would have written this verse. My OPINION ONLY!

Echoes of song tinkle like chimes beneath the trees
They dance gracefully in the soft gentle breeze
Spring flowers bathe me in their scent
And leave my skin glowing from the vision

There are many ways to soothe your readers mind. You must take particular care to use words in a structure which will be easily understood by people who use English as their first language, and avoid leading your readers on side paths where it is easy to lose them.

Keep up your good work. If you keep improving this fast you will soon surpass me!

Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
206
206
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a subject near to my heart. I would encourage you to exercise care when writing. Small things take on extreme importance in a small piece. To me writing is about opening the curtains on windows of your soul so your readers can see what lies inside. It becomes a necessity when communicating, to keep the windows clear as possible. Punctuation, tense, and word choice can aid or detract from your messages.

I am 71, a high mileage nomad, who has spent a lot of time traveling in circles, winding up right back where I began. I have picked up a lot from a lot of people who generously shared their lives, and views with me, along the way. Some have brought me peace; this is one of those things.

I will point out something which helped me understand and live with years of incredible abuse growing up. Look carefully at the word For Give ness.

For I place the wrongs which were done to me in the hands of the one most able to deal with them. I give these things to God and he sets me free from grudges, which are the heaviest things a human can carry. How much lighter my load when I let God handle the hard things like forgiveness. It is not the nature of man to let go, but if we leave it to God, we are released from the Bondage that keeps us prisoners of the past.

** Image ID #1850366 Unavailable **


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207
207
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome Aboard WDC.

I do not mean to denigrate your efforts. The subject is one that no one can deny is the key to living with others peacefully; whether it is in a small isolated family, or a town of some size, or a city of monstrous proportions.

In a short piece of any kind each word has more weight than in a longer piece. Writing is about communicating what is in your heart and soul.

It then becomes most important that the windows of your soul are kept clean and not smudged so your readers can have the clearest view of your message.

The smudges are things which detract from your writing, language, punctuation, and smooth presentation are all very important.


Take your reader by the hand and lead them where you want them to be. Readers want to be part of the process of communication otherwise your words become lost in the storm of words that surround us daily.

I encourage you to write every day. It will help you become more proficient. Read and emulate writers that impress you with the way they handle words.

Again,.
Welcome. May you enjoy and learn what WDC offers.

** Image ID #1850366 Unavailable **


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208
208
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1850366 Unavailable **

Good Poem!!!! this is spoken in language of the soul. That really is the definition of poetry.

This piece could use some polish, however. Certain things STAND OUT as needing something.

Reviewing is somewhat subjective at best, and no two reviewers will begin too agree fully or reach consensus.
So take this old man's opinion for exactly what it is. O P I N I O N !

Right off, I see two words which need to be changed to reach the widest possible audience here at WDC.

Spoilt tells me you are not American Educated. Spoilt, while proper English in the British Isles, tends to put off a lot of readers, into thinking that the use seems quite affected, here Iin USA, where undeniably the majority of WDC Members reside. You need to think about the choice of wording which reaches the MOST people.

coloured is another of those words. Correct but not exactly the best way of spelling for the maximum (number wise) comprehension.

Please take this as a compliment. I have spent close to 30 minutes on this review.

I am going to do something that I do rarely, and only when the quality of the piece is outstanding in some way; I am going to do a line by line.

1. As the beaming sun dulls its light (good as is)
2. Waves crash against the garden with no warning (I would my thunder here) (Thunder crashes though the garden without warning)
3. Clouds darken, as fear creeps through the vines (Clouds darken the shadow of fear creeps through the vines)
4. Thunder keeps cracking, heavy and relentless (lightning cracks, you used thunder? ) (Lightning cracks, bright and unrelenting)
5. Followed by agony as I wonder in hopelessness (I wonder in delicious agony at my powerlessness)
6. How euphoria can come from so much affliction ( How can euphoria come from such affliction)

7. As the clouds descend, the worst is yet to come
8. Rain becomes ferocious with hunger (I would change hunger to ANGER)
9. Harder and harder, seeming impossible to stop (fine just like it is)
10. The leaves billow with extreme winds (Leaves tear loose in high winds while billow suggests puffy clouds in a blue sky)
11. Only bruised fruit survives, as fallen leaves circle (I would change to survives, fallen from the tree) completes a thought and avoids a tangential image which is distracting.)
12. Reality at its boundary, hardship seems inescapable (???) (At its boundary the reality of hardship seems inescapable) (Smoother both to read and to follow mentally.)

13. Yet through the ink coloured sky, a sparkling ray shines (colored) ref introduction to review.
14. The storm dies down, tranquility comes into effect (As the storm dies down tranquility settles to the earth)
15. A sunset appears, giving the garden time to rejuvenate (This is two thoughts without transition) (At sunset the garden takes the opportunity to rejuvenate)
16. Shock and fear comes to a halt, As soil starts to absorb (The soil absorbs the shock and fear from the air)
17. The wind has finally ceased, all is calm and settled (The wind has slowed to almost calm) You could use (calmed instead of slowed)
18. Once again my imagination has failed to comprehend a miracle.

All of these recommendations will increase your ratings if you implement them. Perhaps they will serve top ignite a flame in your imagination.
Either way I will feel that this review is successful.


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209
209
Review of Hiding Place  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1850366 Unavailable **



That of which you write sounds as if you have up close and personal experience, either vicariously or as a participant. You have my empathy, I feel your pain.

Sometimes Writing helps release some of the negative energies which tend to cloud our lives. Without a way to get rid of them they accumulate like thick fog and obscure everything else.

Now this poem, is rather hard to read as it does not have a smooth flow. I believe a little thought and attention to detail will improve this piece exponentially.

I am 71 Years old. I have seen and experienced much. Our perspectives will be much different. I would like to share some generic advice on writing poetry. Some is intended for poets with less experience than you have, but I believe that all poets can occasionally be reminded of what they are doing. No slight is intended.

It is my hope that perhaps I can help you find your best way to express the things which matter most to you.

In the late 50's I had an English teacher who loved poetry. We strayed a good distance from the prescribed curriculum.

Every class she would read us a short poem. The next morning we were to hand in a short review when we came to class. If one missed turning it in the strength of her disappointment was worse than classic punishments.

"A poem should flow smoothly from one point to another and carry you along with its message downstream, exactly where the poet wants you to be."

She left me with an idea of what separates good poetry from average; Easily understood, touching, evokes feelings. I want to feel the poet beside me as I am awestricken with the word pictures they have painted. I want to be a part of your message. Take me by the hand and lead me where you want me to go, show me what you want me to see. From a battlefield full of broken bodies, resting in heaps of biological trash that used to be the vessel of souls; to a field of lavender that stretches toward the mountains and fills the air with its sweet scent from one end of the valley to the other. Subjects need not be beautiful, but the flow needs to be smooth.

I learned to love the music and form of poetry and realize the wide variety of poetry.


**************This is generic advice about poetry in general***************

Poetry exists in many forms from epic poems, to haiku, rhyme and free verse, structured and less structured, with meter and without repetitive meter.

But All poetry shares certain features.

The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual word.

1:Poetry is intense, and demanding, word selection is of paramount importance.

2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader ands hope to successfully touch at least one other heart with their song.

3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong and very sweet, I often use it as an example of lingering taste. However so is the taste of gall from a freshly slaughtered lamb. All life is not an experience which inspires hopeful expectation. Some of what we encounter steals our optimism and makes even putting one foot in front of the other a difficult chore.

4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.

5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry

6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud. This helps me to locate things that are just slightly less musical than they could be.

The art of poetry is to use words that evoke feelings and for the whole poem; that somehow transcend the laws of nature and become much more than the sum of the individual parts.

keep practicing, write frequently, write from the pit of your stomach and the depths of your soul.

I hope this will serve as a general guide, and inspire you to read and edit each and every piece that flows from your obviously inspired mind.

You will learn how to say exactly what you want in a way that brings your readers along. Writing is a process, Perfection is an elusive goal.

I am 71 and have read and written every day that I can remember, and only a few have satisfied me. It is worth all the hours, and all the mistakes on the way when just one comes out right.

I encourage you to write, and express the inner beauty which radiates from your works.

d


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210
210
Review of Faking It  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
It is my hope that perhaps I can help you find your best way to express the things which matter most to you.

In the late 50's I had an English teacher who loved poetry. We strayed a good distance from the prescribed curriculum.

Every class she would read us a short poem. The next morning we were to hand in a short review when we came to class. If one missed turning it in the strength of her disappointment was worse than classic punishments.

"A poem should flow smoothly from one point to another and carry you along with its message downstream, exactly where the poet wants you to be."

She left me with an idea of what separates good poetry from average; Easily understood, touching, evokes feelings. I want to feel the poet beside me as I am awestricken with the word pictures they have painted. I want to be a part of your message. Take me by the hand and lead me where you want me to go, show me what you want me to see. From a battlefield full of broken bodies, resting in heaps of biological trash that used to be the vessel of souls; to a field of lavender that stretches toward the mountains and fills the air with its sweet scent from one end of the valley to the other.

I learned to love the music and form of poetry and realize the wide variety of poetry.


**************This is generic advice about poetry in general***************

Poetry exists in many forms from epic poems, to haiku, rhyme and free verse, structured and less structured, with meter and without repetitive meter.

But All poetry shares certain features.

The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual word.

1:Poetry is intense, and demanding, word selection is of paramount importance.

2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader ands hope to successfully touch at least one other heart with their song.

3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong and very sweet, I often use it as an example of lingering taste. However so is the taste of gall from a freshly slaughtered lamb. All is not a sanguine experience. Some steal our optimism and make even putting one foot in front of the other a difficult chore.

4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.

5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry

6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud.

The art of poetry is to use words that evoke feelings and for the whole poem; that somehow transcend the laws of nature and become much more than the sum of the individual parts.

keep practicing, write frequently, write from the pit of your stomach and the depths of your soul.

I hope this will serve as a general guide, and inspire you to read and edit each and every piece that flows from your obviously inspired mind.

You will learn how to say exactly what you want in a way that brings your readers along. Writing is a process, Perfection is an elusive goal.

I am 71 and have read and written every day that I can remember, and only a few have satisfied me. It is worth all the hours, and all the mistakes on the way when just one comes out right.

Please note, I sometimes do a line by line analysis of a poem. When I do I send it by Email where I can use the strike through and colors to help you understand specifically places that might be improved.

Your whole poem is a study in beautiful but disconnected thoughts. I*f you need help with transitions ask me and I will do my best to help.
Best to you.
D


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211
211
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am 71 I come from a place in the high desert where the wind howls and a coyote chorus celebrates the rising of the moon.
It is a place of silver and shadows and a sky full of stars right over your head. If you look up you can see forever, it goes on and on. You remind me of a young man who came back from South East Asia many years ago. He is more mellow now, He plays his Butch Hall Native American flutes and watches the sun set behind the hill. From this place I can not see the stars, they are lost in a clutter of lights that are supposed to make us more secure? How many kilowatts does it take to find one's way? The stars show the way and all else is the way of the fool.

I copied your poem, and did a mark up with my word processor. Unfortunately I can neither mark up nor attach to this little box. So following this there will be an email. You may look at my markup with resentment that I dared to do a little trim and polish to your poem. It is not meant to be end all be all, only to stimulate your imagination.

You have a great beginning. There are several places, that you lose continuity.

Try reading aloud, See if you can spot the rough transitions between thoughts. You can smooth them easily.

**************This is generic advice about poetry in general***************

Poetry exists in many forms from epic poems, to haiku, rhyme and free verse, structured and less structured, meter and without.

All poetry shares certain features.

The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual word.

1:Poetry is intense, and demanding.

2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader ands hope to successfully touch at least one other heart with their song.

3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong and very sweet, I often use it as an example of lingering taste.

4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.

5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry

6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud.

The art of poetry is to use words that evoke feelings and for the whole poem; that somehow transcend the laws of nature and become much more than the sum of the parts.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
212
212
Review of forces of nature  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Every one starts somewhere. Your efforts are average, but I sense the soul of a poet hidden from view. Let us see you. Your ability will increase as you learn how to express complex feelings in a few words that grab your reader and carry them to the place you describe in your poetry, along the way introduce us to the people who inspire you. Let us see with your eyes. Keep- on trying, it gets easier, and your work will improve. Do not forget, learn from examples, I read every day. You are never to young or too old to learn. Best of luck to you.
d


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213
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Review of Brynn  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Poetry exists in many forms from epic poems, to haiku, rhyme and free verse, structured and less structured, meter and without.

All poetry shares certain features.

The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual word.

1:Poetry is intense, and demanding.

2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader ands hope to successfully touch at least one other heart with their song.

3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong and very sweet, I often use it as an example of lingering taste.

4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.

5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry

6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud.

The art of poetry is to use words that evoke feelings and for the whole poem; that somehow transcend the laws of nature and become much more than the sum of the parts.



her eyes,
like the everlasting sea.
her skin,
like the color of porcelain

but her cheeks,
they turned rosy
when she
laughed.

her hair,
like a wave of
golden honey,
that you could
never forget.

I offer a alternative way of saying what you said, in slightly different form. Please remember this was written in five minutes, and is meant to stimulate ideas for you not an example of perfection.

Deep blue green as the everlasting sea,
Her eyes touch the depths of me
Contrast that with which I see
Porcelain white skin will always be
Touched with a rosy blush of a smile
Makes my life complete, worthwhile
A soft crown of hair of gold
Turns a meek man too bold
To risk theft of a honey sweet kiss
That would linger and bring me bliss
So difficult for me to get
And impossible to forget


You are young, But you have feelings YOU SHOULD SHARE with your readers, it takes time and sometimes sleepless nights to get it right.

I offer this for you to consider, I am 71 years old, and I've been writing since I was a child. It is rare for me to write something which meets my standards of perfection. When it happens it is worth celebration. I learned by doing, and reading. I have no formal education, and I have respect for those who can write in complex metric patterns; unfortunately I am not one of them.

Your efforts are average at this point, but practice, reading aloud, and asking for help will help you become the poet that you crave to be.

d


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
214
214
Review of I Don't Know Why  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This piece is chock full of repetition. Your rhyme scheme is broken in a couple places.

Your feelings come through loud and clear, but you failed to touch me. You were to busy saying I I I I.
Did you realize you used the word I 23 times and one time as I'm.

If this is written for someone, it won't reach them either. You seem to do what many writers do and that is slip into a myopic vision of time space, love, and all emotions; that begin and end with I.

If you grab your reader by the hand, heart, or head and take them with you. Readers want to empathize, to be part of the poem.

Make us feel your heart beat, feel the electricity you miss.

Poetry is the language of feelings, the talk from one's soul, Communication far beyond mere words.

The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual word.

Some general observations on poetry:

1:Poetry is intense, and demanding.

2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader hope to successfully touch at least one other heart with
their song.

3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong I often use it as an example of lingering taste.

4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.

5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry

6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud.

The art of poetry is to use words that evoke feelings and for the whole poem; that somehow transcend the laws of nature and become more than the sum of the parts.

You are young, But you have feelings YOU SHOULD SHARE with your readers, it takes time and sometimes sleepless nights to get it right.

I write all the time. But sadly enough only once in a great while do I approach the level of perfection I seek. When that happens I celebrate!

THIS REVIEWER IS 71 AND IT IS ALL TOO RARE THAT THERE IS GOOD REASON TO CELEBRATE.

Celebrate your life my young friend. Share it freely with others, let it go to your head like summer wine, and touch everything you do, and everyone you meet.

D


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215
215
Review of First 10 pages  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I advise remembering that your very first chance to catch and hold your readers attention is in your opening lines. Try to come up with a unique hook that does the job and starts your story. It must also provide a smooth transition into the opening paragraph. I would avoid referring to his heart. There is no real connection to the rest of your story. You know what is going on, and as author it is your job to impart that knowledge to your reader. It sounds to me like it is not the heart of Colt Tagan which is different. He obviously wanders around in his own world.

Of all the openings I have ever read there two which I will never forget. "It was the best of times, and the worst of times." "It was the winter of our discontent."

These openings are classic genius. Oh, that I could write like that. It is something to strive for.

Try reading your work out loud, Use the view point that you do not know the story, Make sure it leads you to the exact conclusions that you as an author desire.

Your story has possibilities, it would however make a big difference if you would put this story in a setting. ie. "An old grey brick campus building built in 1906."

As is I would not be inclined to pay to read this story. But you can change that by setting the story, time of year, time of day, etc. Include sights sounds and smells. IE. "His Harris tweed jacket always smelled like bay rum or pipe tobacco." The more real you make your characters are; the more that your reader will be able to identify them with someone they have known.

Just an old man's opinion. This is a very average attempt at writing a book. Try to pull this "could be interesting story" out of the doldrums.

Keep on writing.


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Review of A Letter  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Good letter, I do not know if this is based on fact or if it is fiction. dIt really does not matter, the feelings it expresses are real and very strong.

Thank you for posting it.

d


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Review of The Dream  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Le bon ton rouller'

That horse don't look so good chi, How was I to know that meant he was blind?

Them Cajuns have all kind of trick up they sleeve.

I like the story, I like the setting but you kind of lost me right at the end. I can't begin to tole you how to fix it.

That male chile got no name. You tole us he be Mathew early in the story, I would like your ending much better if call his name. And put a big question mark after it. Still got some mystery but the reader doan get lost.

Keep on writing them story. Practice make all dem words much more better.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a unique way of asking for help. You handed me a very nebulous question to answer. At first I stared at the white spot on the screen then I began trying to read between the words. What are you really asking? You have to find out. The first thing you need is a notepad and a good pen. A stick of charcoal would be necessary if you need to rub grave stones.

A yellow legal pad would work fine. Invent someone of the time period of which you wish to write. Find out everything that you can about them. Pick a class in an annual, see what people dressed like, how did they wear their hair? What did they like to eat / drink?
Does your (character) work after school? What kinds of jobs were available in those times. Newspaper carrier? Carry out boy at the Grocery? Perhaps a gas station or a soda fountain where they make old fashioned ice cream deserts? Perhaps the character will be older, or a mix of young and old with a narrator telling the story.

I got a lot of help over a period of three years doing interviews of their lives and times there are so many interlocking stories you will always have plenty to write about.

I enjoyed the research phase, as a matter of fact when I moved on I remember the people who shared their stories and the only way I can keep them alive is to write about them. I am 71 years old, so of necessity we will see the world through the eyes of our own experience. That means the story you write probably would not be the one I would write. That is exactly the way it should be.

Courthouse, cemetery visits with yellow pad, and charcoal to record names and dates from the stones. Schools and Local libraries are a good choice. They have a lot of information. Then if there is a local newspaper, or even a regional one that writes about your target area, research their archives. The smell of aging paper will help your mind find just exactly the right place and time.

I sincerely hope that this has been at least a modicum of help.

Go do the research and then go write that book my young friend.

The star rating denotes the clarity of your question.


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Review of Fallen angel <3  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The points reflect that you should not have to pay for an honest review.

Such a short piece requires close attention to each word. One thing I find amusing is that My book "Fallen Angel" went to press last week.
It is the story of a Madam in New Orleans, and the many people she helped secretly.

I do not know the origin of the phrase Fallen Angel. I think maybe Dante' ?

A bit of advice. I use blocks to outline even a short piece.

First block is the Hook, in one line I exert my only opportunity of reaching the person who is reading my piece.
Second block I decide just what it is I want to say
Third block I try to word that as clearly as I can
Fourth block is ending on a note that will stick with my reader.

Poetry is meant to be read aloud. It should flow smoothly over your tongue, especially when the emotion of love is expressed.
A poem should linger on your tongue, like a taste of honey, or the taste of lime. Different but they both stick with you.

Poetry should be musical, whether it is free verse or a highly structured rhyming poem with a complex rhythm.
Use your senses, subject your reader to a deluge of color, music, the feeling of velvet, or the kiss of a soft summer breeze.
Do not forget the chill of water dripping from an icicle, the thrill of a roller coaster. Make each line vivid, the beauty breath taking, and you will do fine. Writing will become second nature to you. Do not believe everyone will understand what you write, quite simply do your best that is all that matters.

d

I think you have the mind of a poet. You have a long time to write. Find joy in what you do right and learn from the times you miss.

I am 71, I write as much as I can. I have much less time left to work than what I spent going in circles.

If you learn, to do the best you can on each piece, then make sure you edit. The criteria you decide is important will change from piece to piece. Experiment, try new things. Use your talent now, do not wait until you are old and deaf. It is hard to describe the singing of a bird when the sound never reaches your brain.

Write well my young friend.

d


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Review of The mirror image.  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual wordl

Some general observations on poetry:
1:Poetry is intense, and demanding.
2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader hope to successfully touch at least one more heart with
Their song.
3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong I often use it as an example of lingering taste.
4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.
5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry
6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud.

The only real problem I see is that you wrote:

You're evil in the mirror,
with a face that's so like mine. ( A face so like mine) ?? Just a to make you think, I know you can make this stanza work smoothly
Pretending that we're not the same,
but you will cross the line.

+-- (you loose meter here) Choose your words carefully, do not be afraid to use a thesaurus. Use any tool available to get your meaning across and still hold to the metric precedents you set. It is ok to do a whole stanza over or what ever is necessary to approach perfection.


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Review of A MANLY THING?  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I grew up in a small town, many times money would change hands. One tart no one would ever mistake for a lady, used that same line on the oil field workers, and railroaders who were just passing through. I could not help but smile.

The only thing which prevents me from giving this piece an unqualified 5 star rating is this pair of lines.

Thus back and forth their spat ensued
When crudely boasted drunken dude

This just doesn't flow as smoothly as the rest. If you change the second line to read: Boasted crudely by a drunken dude or Crudely boasted a drunken dude. Or there are probably numerous tiny changes which would effect the way this piece sounds when read aloud.

I am a grumpy old perfectionist. When I give less than a 5 I try to explain what I see that makes a piece less than perfect.

Good work I hope to read a lot more. If I live long enough. I am 71 and truth be told time is passing very fast. Nothing I do slows it down so I do the best I can with each second. Perhaps it will be enough.


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Review of Thoughts  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A piece like this is difficult, because at the very least; it exposes a clear picture of what we fear most; worst case lifts the bandage and lets the reader see the unhealed wounds of the soul. Unfortunately they are the slowest to heal.

This poem is long enough to allow a little leeway when it comes to adherence to EXACTING RULES. Whose rules, whose definitions? Is the rule maker credible?

At the very best poetry is intense, and demanding. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds to the reader and hope to successfully touch at least one more heart with their song. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.

To me a poem, or story, should take me by the hand and let me experience with you, tears, joys, and times of bewilderment.

Even a relatively short piece like this, would certainly experience a large jump toward perfection. If you were to use some kind of outline. I use little blocks which are: 1. starting point. HOOK! build your story, flesh it out, make it real enough to shake hands with. follow the line of thought you wish for your reader to follow. Then Bam! crescendo, Leave the reader right where you want them to be. Wiser, smiling? Laughing, crying, anywhere as long as it is right where you want them to be.

Open your piece carefully Grab your reader and make them experience your experiences In vivid color, with surround sound, and smellevision..

My best to you on your journey toward being the bvest writer you can be. From my view, when you get there many people will look to you to pass on your experience the best way you can.

I apologize for any thing less than what this review is intended.

d
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Review of Beg and Plead  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Poetry is intense, and demanding. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds to the reader and hope to successfully touch at least one more heart with their song. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight ruts at the intersections where two thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less. I am absolutely sure that a wordsmith of your talent can find some tiny changes that would make this piece more and more intense as time passes. Even a shorty like this is a process. The shorter a piece the more each word used is tested for strength, meaning, and flow.

Keep writing, and ask questions if you have any.

And thus I join the scores of need.

???Would it not be a better transition if you used AND THUS I JOIN THE SCORES IN NEED. Small change but significantly different to your readers.

But still they hunt me to my stay, ??? I know what you are saying, and why you are saying it, How about trying something like this?
But still they hunt me all the day. This keeps the rhyme scheme and smooths one of those little intersections I mentioned earlier.

Hope these example helped.


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Review of Gloaming  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Poetry is intense, Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds to the reader and hope to successfully touch at least one more heart with their song. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight ruts at the intersections where two thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less. I am absolutely sure that a wordsmith of your talent can find some tiny changes that would make this piece more and more intense as time passes. Even a shorty like this is a process. The shorter a piece the more each word used is tested for strength, meaning, and flow.

Keep writing, and ask questions if you have any.

d


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Review of Brett's Story  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Well Trisha Blaze, You shared something which touched you deeply. That is the beginning of having something to write about perhaps muse, perhaps a curse time will tell. I have committed about every crime against the English language that there is to commit, and thanks to some very good people here who took time to teach me by example and by pointing out things which can be improved.

Then it danced through the cold air to land on the frost-tinged wall of the next building. As it hits just below the roof, it turns the frost into glittering diamonds of dew clinging to the dull, red brick. The line of sunlight moves slowly down the rows of brick as it glides higher in its never ending journey through the sky, melting the frost as the bricks warm on this new day.

:Sunlight danced through the stinging cold air to land on the frost which accumulated on the dull red-brick. As it has time to linger the sun's warmth gently penetrates all that it touches; slowly turning the glittering diamonds of frost into tiny droplets of dew. A clear trail marks the track of the sun, through the cold blue winter sky.:

This is only one take on this paragraph, but I hope you understand the difference in flow between the two. Many of your original words were used. Your visions are there, problem is you are letting us look at them through a smudgy window of your soul.

To me a well told tale, short or long, should be vivid. Sometimes I let my vision blur, and what I write is blurred also. Sometimes the blur is from tears. It is an emotional thing to experience something so clearly that you can write about it from the pit of your stomach and the depth of your soul.

This strange review is the kind of thing that helped me reach one of my goals at the age of 71.

Write something tuck it away for a few days. Move on to something different. Then when you find a good stopping place, come back and carefully read exactly what you wrote. Have you written so vividly that your reader sees, hears, smells, and feels the place? Then let them experience the story vicariously through your senses. It is OK to write about something which is a little out of your comfort zone.
You connected pieces of things you know, and things you feel into a story, that you let me read. Thank you. I look forward to reading more of your work, and perhaps corresponding with you.

Your feelings that inspired this piece would deserve a 5. However your presentation can be much more vivid, alive and filled with things which pluck our nerve endings and help us to experience your creation. Keep writing, let it sit, edit it, read it carefully one more time and then post it. If you can use some help in that process....I am yours when I get a rare moment to interact. I have one book about to go to press, and a second that is almost ready to begin the process. It keeps me out of trouble. Let me know if I can help you. I will not do massive edits for free. But I will select things which improve and increase the perceived value of what you write.

It is a long road.

Sometimes I feel like a slave to something I do not understand. Then a story comes together with all the feelings both pleasant and unpleasant in a form that is easy for someone else to experience. That makes me feel really good. I tend to be tenacious, sometimes a piece just isn't what it could be. It sits there patiently waiting till I get to a stopping place, then I edit again. Something can always be improved.

d


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