*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drstatic/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
904 Public Reviews Given
981 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
151
151
Review of Resolution  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have accomplished a formidable task with this piece. Working with a limit of 200 words means you must utilize each word to the max. You have done that without being miserly with your words, there is nothing I find that cries for explanation or "just a little more definition. This piece is really good just the way it is.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What makes a poem a poem and not a cluster of words? Poetry is meant to be read aloud,(There are those who think Poetry predated man's ability to write) The history of prehistoric man was spoken in rhythms which had as much meaning as thje words that were chanted. So taking that into account Poetry must pass a message from one heart to another. Poetry touches places that are ignored by the busy masses who make up all too much of our population. Poetry draws word pictures in the still darkness in the back of our mind. If you visit poetry forums you will find elitism (Only classical forms are "Real" poetry. I DONT THINK SO.

Your poem has a visceral quality. It expresses a strong desire for something missing in the life of the speaker. The imagery is of a quality which would cause elitists to squirm.

I recommend reading aloud, or even better, having your poems read aloud to you. Amazing the subtleties, which the eye never sees at all, that are revealed bright and clear by a patiently listening ear.

I had a TA many years ago who said "Poetry is like wine, whether sweet or sour its taste lingers on the tongue."

What is poetry? An attempt at communication heart to heart.

What ever it is I would like to read more of yours. Write every chance you get. Jot down ideas then work on them when you have the time and the place to work.

My best to you
Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
Review of A Game?  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC. You have taken the first step toward becoming thje writer that you wish to be. WDC has people from diverse cultures and a wide variety of educational backgrounds. It is hard to make review someone who has not filled in their bio. One size does not fit all as a high school student and a college professor may both review the same piece or they both may ask for revtews aty the same time. Diverse as we are we still have things to learn from each other. I am 72 and I still hope to get closer to the writer I'd like to be.

I had an English TA many years ago who influenced me greatly when she said "Good Poetry is like wine, it can be sweet or tart but it will always linger on the tongue." She insisted that poetry should be read aloud, and the best litmus test for quality was to have what you are working on read aloud to you. Using the ear as well as the eye makes it possible to spot rough places if there are any, and it makes levels of communication available of which we would otherwise be deprived.

You did not maintain your rhyme scheme throughout your poem this is distracting but it is still better than losing the thread of your message trying to hammer a poem through a form.

You will learn how to deal with trade off situations as you go along.

I hope to have the experience of watching you grow into the poet you wish to become. Do not worry about rating scores. We all start somewhere and with patience and practice we all improve.

My best to you my young friend.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi in my opinion this piece is an example of exactly what FLASH FICTION is supposed to be. You have managed to conserve words and yet include clear images of all of the elements of this story. Your readers willnot be able to resist the plucking of their heart strings.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Vivid images help to tell a poignant interesting story. The presentation of this poem is without suggestions for improvement.
This piece brings back memories of South Louisiana where I spent nearly thirty years of my life. I could smell the rain and the aftermath an explosion of growth. A cottonmouth is not a friendly sight and was as deserved dispatched. Blue Jays are amazing birds aren't they?

Thanks for sharing this piece with me.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
Review of Big Joke 11 lines  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I could not agree with your ideas any more than I do. Sometimes a short piece puts a finger right on a sore spot that needs healing.

The trick is going to be finding a way to fix the mess that has slowly been getting worse as time passes.

I sometimes can not avoid comparing our voters to lemmings. If only they knew that long step will be their last!

I am a perfectionist. I think by testing your piece, changing word order, and possible use of synonyms would improve it. One good thing if you make a change and don't like it there is always a delete button.

Too bad there is no delete button to get rid of the destructive clowns we are paying to run our country.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. This is a very special place filled with a variety of cultures and levels of education. Since there is no bio in your port, my job of critiquing this piece is harder than if I knew more about you. I am 72 years old and more than likely have a somewhat different perspective than most

It is obvious that you know what you're talking about, but Several things made it difficult for me to understand. The use of excessive "Jargon" is an easy trap in which to fall. When you know your subject well, it is sometimes difficult that most of your readers will be pitifully informed when compared to you. The whole job of writing an article is to inform your reader. I was left confused and frustrated.

We all start somewhere and since we are here at WDC it is logical to assume we are here to become better writers. Because this piece did not make it as a piece that informs a general audience does not mean it is a "BAD" piece.

I recommend that you edit with the mindset that your average reader will have. That means you must clarify exactly what you mean.

I hope to see you grow as a writer. I like to see that WDC is successful at providing a great place to learn to be a better writing, and communicating with the written word.

Keep plugging, practice makes perfect.

MO


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
Review of Ordinary Day  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting look into the justice system. Well written except for one error, I would imagine this one mistake was the result of an accidental delete. I was a fair but tough Judge and the evidence was overwhelming that this guy had killed his. (What?) tell us,

Your ideas flow comfortably one to another. I like this story but a careful edit before posting would make this piece excellent.
Thought I would give you the chance to make the little fix.

The author has had a lot of practice that really shows. MORE PLEASE!

MO


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Looking backward I can plainly see that my Mother was certifiable. This piece strikes a resonate chord deep in my soul. I learned through years of paralysis that I could do anything and needed no approval to be me. I learned enough disfunctional family history to understand a lot about my parents. Learning why did not remove the pain, but it let me get past the anger. Holding a grudge expends far more energy tjhan what it is worth.

I really like thgis piece. You presented your story in an easy way that flows comfortably from start to finish. I really liked the positive note you left ringing through the walkways of my mind. Thank You for sharing this piece. A couple places could be argued as to punctuation but why mess with something so special?

Your friend

MO


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
Review of A Silent Riot  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. You have taken the first step toward becoming thje writer that you wish to be. WDC has people from diverse cultures and a wide variety of educational backgrounds. It is hard to make review someone who has not filled in their bio. One size does not fit all as a high school student and a college professor may both review the same piece or they both may ask for revtews aty the same time. Diverse as we are we still have things to learn from each other. I am 72 and I still hope to get closer to the writer I'd like to be.

I had an English TA many years ago who influenced me greatly when she said "Good Poetry is like wine, it can be sweet or tart but it will always linger on the tongue." She insisted that poetry should be read aloud, and the best litmus test for quality was to have what you are working on read aloud to you. Using the ear as well as the eye makes it possible to spot rough places if there are any, and it makes levels of communication available of which we would otherwise be deprived.

Your poem is not as smooth flowing as it could be. It is a little jerky. Your very good ideas do not flow smoothly one to the next. If you read it aloud, and better still have it read to you you will see what I mean.

YOU WROTE [How did I end up here?
You had such high hopes.
Enslaved by blind fear.]

I switches to you? would it not flow better if you said something like [I had such high hopes] ??
[But enslaved by blind fear.] your reader will better be able to relate to something like this. This is an example only. Food for thought that you can take in any direction you wish. It is after all your poem.

I hope to have the experience of watching you grow into the poet you wish to become. Do not worry about rating scores. We all start somewhere and with patience and practice we all improve.

My best to you my young friend.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
Review of NIRIAN  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

We all start somewhere so do not be discouraged at my approach toward helping you find your path. I am a stickler for encouraging every one I review to do their best. That will improve as you practice. If I did not see possibilities I would not bother to review. The size of this piece makes reviewing it a monumental task because your presentation has one problem, It is loose and needs work. You take the long way around to say what could made more powerful using fewer words and "tightening" your prose. There is a tenant agreed upon by most writers. "LESS IS MORE." This is a good example.

YOU WROTE ("These are the mountains where I live. They are dark, forbidding, and pretty much the last place you would ever want to be. Which, of course, is why I am here. The Variants are coming. Sooner or later, they will find me. And when they do, I've gotta get out of here. Fast. Because if they ever catch me, that will be the end. The end of life, the end of love, and, of course, the end of the world."
I rewrote this for example only.

The mountains where I live are dark and forbidding. The last place you would expect to find us which is exactly why we are hiding here.
(This is a good place to explain from whom and what you are hiding; a quick very high impact description of the variants will suffice here.
Make your reader understand your fear.

The Variants are coming ....You can loose these short low impact sentences and combine them into one high impact sentence.

Being caught will mean the end of everything! Make the reader feel it deep inside.

It will take approximately one hour for an in depth review of every 10 - 12 KB. If it has been edited and is in fairly good form.

I like to invest my time with writers who show promise. You have a great imagination.

It is not expected that a piece you want reviewed will be perfect; if it were, why would you need a review?
I hope to be around to watch your growth here. It would be very helpful to me if I knew a little about you. Age, educational background, and what you expect from WDC will help me give you useful pointers and know what standards to hold you to. I can't expect a grade school writer to perform the same as a college professor. We have both and everything between here at WDC.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
162
162
Review of Fire  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

Your aural pictures are great. It is obvious that you have the mind of a poet, rich with sensations and feeling.

Your presentation has one problem, the redundancy is tedious and distracting. If you just say timber crackling ... Oak wood falling...
Children screaming...We get the point and the sensation is not limited to our ears. You can see, smell the smoke and feel the heat using fewer words. There is a tenant agreed upon by most poets. "LESS IS MORE." This is a good example.
.
I rewrote this for example only. I just want you to see it differently. All the (I hear)s subtract rather than add to your poem.

Do not hesitate to experiment with word order or new words themselves. It will pleasantly surprise you to see what happens.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
163
163
Review of I love (him)  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style. The message comes through clearly.

Your layout or format lacks symmetry. One idea does not blend smoothly into the next which leaves your reader confused as to which direction you want them to go. Make it work for you rather than against you.

A simple litmus test for poetry is to read aloud or even better have them read to you. It helps to hear the transitions rather than just seeing what you intended to write. Our minds play tricks on us. We know what we wanted to communicate better than anyone else and are a bit myopic about what we actually wrote.


Do not hesitate to experiment with word order or new words themselves. It will pleasantly surprise you to see what happens.

I look forward to watching your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
164
164
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

Poetry is meant to be read aloud! If you read it or better yet have it read to you your ear can hear better than your eye can see the rough spots; by itself. One thing for which to strive is an overall smoothness achieved by ideas flowing one to another. If the sounds of your words flow smoothly it lends impact to your piece.

In a piece this short each syllable increases in importance. If you lose your readers attention, or sidetrack them there is no opportunity to get them back.

Do not hesitate to experiment with word order or new words themselves. It will pleasantly surprise you to see what happens.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here. Write every chance you get. Do not be disappointed, some of your work will achieve better acceptance than others. That just happens because of the wide range in your audience.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
165
165
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style. The message comes through clearly in spite of some small errors. I suspect that English is not your first language. It makes achieving excellence a little more difficult but not impossible.

You will find others from the same cultural background who will be willing to help you edit your work.

A typical example is in line four. Lied even though it seems to be a past tense of lay has the connotation of untruth. Lay no fault, or No fault lay with her are both grammatically correct.


Do not hesitate to experiment with word order or new words themselves. It will pleasantly surprise you to see what happens.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
166
166
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style. The message comes through .

A very good habit to get into is to read your work aloud, even better have it read aloud to you. Using aural as well as visual skills to herlp you find the rough spots is much more effective than just the eye.

Do not hesitate to experiment with word order or new words themselves. It will pleasantly surprise you to see what happens.

Changing word order can be used to end a line fifferently while keeping the meaning, this opens up a whole new set of rhyming words.

You did an acceptable job rhyming but changing word order might have helped in the hard spots.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
167
167
Review of Sparrow  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style. The message comes through clearly in spite of less than best word choice and order.

In a short poem every syllable has increased effects. An idea out of place (does not follow) destroys your rapport with your reader. The shorter the piece the fewer chances to connect with your reader.

I'm sure if you edit this carefully you will come up with better ways to send your message and wind up with a smoother flow of words and ideas. Sparrow take flight ... with your arrow tonight [like an arrow tonight] The sparrow would probably not have an arrow This example is to illustrate an idea only. The final choice of words is yours.

If you are rhyming you should stick with it if free verse stick with that it helps your reader follow what you are saying.


I would recommend trying different words in places to open up new possibilities. Do not be afraid to experiment. It is easy to undo a change that doesn't fit. You have a good start. Write every chance you get. You will get better faster.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
168
168
Review of Breaking Up  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style. The message comes through clearly in spite of less than best choice of line breaks.

The following is example only for illustration. You wrote " Breathe I forgot how ... could he do this?" I would recommend something like :Breathe /break/ I forgot how /break/ Why did he do this?/break

This makes it smoother to read there is no problem with accidently reading two hows.

It is always best to read aloud, and have someone read to you your ear will pick up rough spots that the mind tends not to see.



I would recommend trying different word order in places to open up new possibilities. You have a good start.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
169
169
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style. The message comes through clearly in spite of less than best word choice and order.

YOU WROTE { He tried to speak his first words, but so hard to say because the day he was born didn't come out that way}

Not a clear sentence. Confusing, Makes it seem like his first words were the day he was born? I don't think that was your intention.

An example only of another way to say this [His first words he could not speak because the day he was born didn't turn out the normal way.

I'm sure if you edit this carefully you will come up with better ways to send your message and wind up with a smoother flow of words and ideas.

I would recommend trying different word order in places to open up new possibilities. You have a good start.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
170
170
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem has the vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry It exhibits an open and heartfelt style.

I would recommend trying different word order in places to open up new possibilities of rhyme. As an example [for illustration only]the first line could be rewritten (This strong desire) This opens a whole new set of rhyming words for you to use. I'M NOT RECOMMENDING THAT YOU MAKE THIS CHANGE>

Your poems should be your poems not something a well meaning crams down your throat.

A good Edit would help this poem. feelings fallow along most likely was an auto correction of what started out to be follow?

Experiment, words are easily changed and changed back.

I had trouble with the sequence of your ideas. I am not judging your ideas themselves, they are as valid as anyone's.

Keep trying Practice can only improve your efforts.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
171
171
Review of day by day  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry . It is heartfelt and genuine.

Poetry while one of the freest ways of written expression still has certain expectations placed upon it. One of the best ways I have found to meet my own expectations is READ ALOUD! My ear catches the sonic traps that my eye is prone to miss. The smoother words and ideas flow in a poem the easier it is to hold the readers attention, and to impart the message the poet is trying to communicate.

I find no fault with what the poet is feeling however I think a good editing is in order. Never be afraid to experiment with word order, words themselves, or changing the order of ideas, or word pictures in a poem. You will be amazed what small changes result in a different finish or polish to a poem. I think all poets share the same desire, to reach their readers. Keep writing and trying new and different ways of saying the same thing.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
172
172
Review of Death of sea.  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry There is one thing which would improve it.

Reading your work aloud, or better yet have it read aloud to you. This will help to reveal the areas which do not flow smoothly.

Sometimes just like music the beat must be staccato but too much becomes just a little bit tedious. Maybe that is just me, but poetry in my opinion is meant to be read aloud, and necessarily requires the smooth flow of ideas even when punctuated by staccato phrases or words.

This but one piece, Never be afraid to experiment words and phrases that do not work are easily changed.
I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
173
173
Review of Revolutionary  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry There is one thing which would improve it.The message as is whips the reader around from long lines to short lines to very long lines. Symmetry of your presentation while not absolutely necessary helps both the poet and the reader stay on track.

Good poetry always flows smoothly, both ideas and sounds blend into the whole.

Do not be afraid to experiment with words, If something doesn't work it is easily changed.

Do not accept your first efforts as perfection. That happens VERY RARELY. Edit let it rest then edit again! Keep trying that is how wer all improve.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
174
174
Review of Happiness  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry There is one thing which would improve it.

Symmetry of your presentation while not absolutely necessary helps both the poet and the reader stay on track.Spacing could improve the ease with which your reader can understand your message.

My feeling about starting each line with I makes the whole message seem to be about you. If you include your readers your message will come across more pleasing.

Do not hesitate to experiment with words, if something doesn't work it is easily changed back. This poem as is is just average. Not a bad place to begin. Try this (EXAMPLE ONLY) It might help you think outside your comfort zone.

"I did not find you in a book" (Or the usual place I'd look) There are many ways to rewrite this without losing the message while improving the flow of sounds and ideas.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
175
175
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

In a short piece of any kind one must realize that each word takes on a larger job of getting your message across. Powerful, intense messages can be improved by careful selection of the words selected.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry

However mixing rhyme and free verse is confusing to your readers. Do not be afraid to experiment with word order and sound. If you lose something you can always change it back.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
372 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 15 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drstatic/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7