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Review of Your baby  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry There is one thing which would improve it. Normally the greatest positive effects can be achieved by either rhyming or by free verse. Mixing the two is confusing to your readers.

Symmetry of your presentation while not absolutely necessary helps both the poet and the reader stay on track.

Poetry is meant to be read aloud. That is the litmus test I use to help me. The smooth flow of sound and ideas help a poem be all the poet intends for it to be. If a word or phrase causes you to trip the ear catches it quickly.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry There is one thing which would improve it.

Poetry is meant to be read aloud. When read it should flow smoothly over the lips and tongue. I had a TA tell me long ago that poetry is like wine and can vary from sweet to tart but it should always linger.

This has to do with the flow of sounds and ideas smoothly through your poem.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry There is one thing which would improve it.

Symmetry of your presentation while not absolutely necessary helps both the poet and the reader stay on track. Short lines mixed with long lines make the eye work harder than what is most comfortable.

Do not hesitate to change word order to acheive smooth flow.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. It is the first step on the long bumpy road to become a better writer. Each of us starts at our own beginning. You have joined a diverse group from all walks of life and educational levels, all have things to teach and things to learn. I am 72 and I hope someday to become the writer I wish to be.

This poem exhibits vision and depth of feeling associated with good poetry I really liked the symmetry and your rhyme scheme. You stuck with it even when you had to push the bounds a bit. Poetic license allows for some stretching but somethings stretch better than others. Do not be hesitant to experiment with words, sounds, and meanings.

I hope to be around to watch your growth here.

Mo.


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Review of Trepidation  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC. This is a place which abounds with opportunities to become a better writer, a place to meet people with similar goals, and a place full of good things to read. It is a great place to subject your work to the scrutiny of diverse cultures, and a wide range of educational backgrounds. Posting here will give you a true litmus test as to how well you are communicating with the written word.

I wish you the best on your journey.

As a rule of thumb, the shorter a piece is the more important each word becomes in carrying your message. Thinking along those lines when you edit will help you get the most effect per word. The arrangement of words, and the flow of ideas must transmit the most information in the fewest words possible. If you raise a question provide the answer if only by inference. You must become a word miser and use only those that you need to carry the most story.

Sounds easy? The short short is the most difficult to carry off effectively.

This piece contains some superfluous words and could have used one or two words to get the most bang per word.

We all start where we are and with the help of our friends and mentors we grow as writers.

My best to you my young friend.

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC. You will have the best opportunity to grow as a writer that I have seen online. The perspectives of the readers are wide as can be imagined for they come from different cultures, speak different (first) languages, and vary in education from primary school to holders of Multiple PHDs who sit as chair of a university department. They will rarely agree exactly but every one who reviews has your interest in becoming the best writer you can be at heart. Approaches will vary but you can learn from a plethora of viewpoints. Ego's are sometimes bruised, as you can well imaging but for the most part reviews are presented in a kind, honest way.

This piece reflects no proofing or editing. The way it is presented a good idea is presented (Bare Bones) in a rather hard to follow manner.

Read what you post several times before posting. If possible have a friend, whose judgement you trust, Reade it aloud to you. Possibilities for improvement will be obvious.

Pick an audience. (Middle School) or general populous, and use the language best suited to communicating with your target audience.

Improve the flow of ideas so they hook together as if they are beads on a string. Punctuation is important in that it helps emphasize important ideas.

Now the way to become a good writer is to recognize we all start somewhere; and the way to grow is to practice. Write rvery chance you get. Edit for presentation and content, then post what you have written.

Best to you my young friend. I hope to see your growth as a writer over a period of years.

Mo



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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.5)
You have been around awhile. It is worthy of noting the size of your portfolio, and how long it has been since you added to it.

There is so much here, such diversity of education, culture, and communication skills. If you really want to learn to communicate clearly to the largest group of people in, here you must post, and you must be able to accept critique of your presentation skills.

While I find opposing philosophies interesting and somewhat entertaining at times I personally NEVER critique based on philosophy or attempt to refute it. This is a writing site and I confine my comments to the methods of communication used, or not used. Logic while important as a road map for the reader so attention to presenting points in an essay must support each other from beginning to conclusion.

Presentation skills (choice of words) (punctuation) and (flow of ideas) are the basis of written communication.

Layout is an important part of maintaining the link between author and his audience.

I would recommend that you find a mentor for a sounding board to help you past the problems in this piece.

My best to you I hope to see your portfolio grow in size and reflect understanding of communication in written English.

Mo


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Review of Lone Wolf  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC. This place can have a profound effect upon your writing. Skill levels vary as does age and experience. It allows a free exchange of ideas and introduces members to a wide range of perspectives. Joining our group can be the best thing you ever do for your writing.


Good visuals. I think there is a lot more which could be done with this piece. I always recommended reading poetry aloud. It gives another whole dimension for you to exploit to communicate with your readers. Many years ago I had an English TA at UT Austin who opened whole worlds to me. One point she made: "Poetry should flow smoothly, Its taste should linger on the lips. It can be sweet like honey or a full range of tartness like wine." It took awhile before I understood what she was saying.

It is a good thing to jot down ideas when they come to mind, then haul them out when you have time to work on smoothing the flow of visuals, sounds, and ideas.

Your transitions are abrupt and could use better continuity. This can be accomplished by reordering your phrases. Make your ideas flow smoothly into the next idea.

This piece could have much more impact with very little work. Good poetry does not just drip from your pen, neither does a breath taking picture just flow off the artists brush.

I look forward to seeing more of your work and watching the inevitable growth of your skills.Write, write, and write some more. Read others works and experiment with words phrases and ideas. All writing is about communication. Learn how to do your best.

My best to you, my young friend.

Mo


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Review of Something Divine  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have the makings of a first class poet.

The flow of this poems message is excellent visually. You show me and share your experience.

Bravo But, It could be even better with an ear toward sound. Read this aloud then have someone read it out loud to you.

Never hesitate to experiment with words, and word formsd to achieve the smooth flow of excellence.

Now, down to recommendations. Anything offered by this old man is meant as an example to stimulate the wonderful mind that conceived this piece. I will never push words into your mouth. I will show you alternatives then leave you to invent your own.

You wrote:

So bright, yet not blinding
Hovering over me, a shimmer of light
Something so calming and warm
Awakened me during the night

Another way to say it might be

[ A bright shimmering light
Gently awakening me last night
Hovering; Calming, warming
Comforting like I've never felt
By my bed is where he knelt

You can change the form of the words and the order while increasing your lyrical sound. I am sure you can find at least five ways to do it better than I did.

[I know now, that I have witnessed
Something gracious , and so divine]

I think I would change gracious to precious I think it fits better

You have a plethora of words available that are easy to rhyme if you so choose.

I hope I have given you food for thought.

Keep writing wonderful inspirational poems like this.

I look forward to reading more and watching your growth.

I am 72 and someday hope to grow into the poet I'd like to be.

Mo



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Review of Shards of Glass  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
The flashes of images here show great depth of feeling. You might just have the makings of a great poet. The way to find out is to write, write write, write,on a piece of paper, or text a message to yourself which can be retrieved at a place and time where you can change it into something outstanding.

It takes time to change stream of conscious writing into a form which really communicates with your reader..That is the ultimate purpose of writing. You can inform, entertain, share your joy or pain. Writing is a great catharsis sometimes it keeps me from exploding! I've used it since I learned to print on a pulp pad with a #2 pencil. I had plenty of encouragement and although sometimes "Outstanding pieces have a lot of space and time between them."

Every piece is just one step on the road to becoming a writer. I am 72 years old and hope that someday I will be as good at writing as I would like to be.

A great poem has certain attributes. It flows smoothly off the tongue. Some poems require staccato punctuation to communicate the exact message you, the poet wants.

The flow of ideas is important. The structure can vary as long as it does not interfere with your message.

The properties you assign to yourself as narrator should follow one another.

Shards of Glass

I’m falling apart;
Swimming in a sea of dreams;
Running to a place that may not be there.

Does a shard of glass swim? Does it run?

I offer the following example as food for thought and only one way to express this Stanza.

I'm Fracturing
Sinking slow into a sea of dreams
To a place I can't define

I’m breaking up;
Hiding in places that cannot be hidden in;
Trying to find something that doesn’t exist.

I’m fragmenting into pieces;
Turning into shards of glass;
Changing into something I can’t change back from.

The next two stanzas give visuals without clear pictures. Glass falling into water looses contrast and disappears into its surroundings changing into something formless losing any identity it had originally.

I feel your message on one level and I want you to take me with you to this place show it to me!

It takes being willing to take constructive critique without bruised ego to learn from those who have walked the road before you.

I will never put words into your mouth. Only try to show you an example which will help you free yourself of the messages inside you that are trying to hammer their way out.


Good writing, My best to you

Mo







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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is, entertaining, has a deep message, and is quite lyrical. It has most of the things which make a fine poem.

Be advised my opinion is just that, My opinion. Some would disagree but as I see it more care might be used when selecting adjectives..

An example "A finite array of toasty and frozen rocks" I would not use the word toasty as it is usually associated with food, or perhaps a warm pair of slippers on a cold day. To me I can't imagine a rock being toasty. There are other words which blend well, and have the exact meaning for which you are searching.

"Or occupy vast acres of tree-lined wilderness," The word occupy here has the nuance that it covers all of the space, I think that you were calling to mind the rock fences, or rock walls that define the limits of the aforementioned space. This might be a good place to test your resources to find the exact word which divides or defines tracts of land.

Your descriptions are vivid and make it easy for me to see what is in your mind.

Good luck polishing this piece into the gem it is underneath its slightly blemished surface.

Mo


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Review of Icarus  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
An interesting take on a myth / legend.

I can tell that you have a vivid imagination. It will be worth the work necessary to hone your skills into the best you can be.

I fear that at this point you lack a working understanding of the structure and mechanics of writing good poetry.

Freedom
freedom, freedom for us!
High up in the sky,
here is me
for I am free (Less redundant would be something like (here I am free!)
Father
Below he flies
cautious and foolish
though ever so brilliant,
understand he not how magnificent (what you are saying in this line is unclear)
Forever
close to the sun
the warmth on my face,
here is where I fly
my home in the sky Try is instead if in!
Feathers
above me float softly,
I beat my wings
the wax begins to drip
and soon to the air, I lose my grip (somewhat clumbsy wording)
Falling
downward I go
faster, past my father
my body a blurring motion
and my death is taken by the ocean

You can work with your natural abilities and improve your poem. As is it is rough but workable.

The purpose of any writing is one or more of the following, to entertain or to inform, communicate a story, an image or noteworthy events.

There are simple techniques that keep us from having to reinvent the wheel to get a message from one person to another.

Pick your technique and stick with it. Changing midstream loses your reader.

I look forward to reading your bio so I know with whom I am communicating. Knowing your location and skill level helps me help you.

We all begin somewhere. I would rate this average. That is not to say that this idea cannot be improved with a few simple techniques.

Becoming a writer, or a poet requires practice and hours of work to make one piece "GOOD." That is always subjective.

Write frequently whether on scrap paper, the column of a takeout menu or on a napkin. Once you get the bare bones idea written then begin the process of making it complete.

I will watch for more from you, and for your bio. Welcome and good writing my young friend.

(I am 72 which leads me to believe I can get by withj that statement.)

Enjoy WDC and learn and grow.

MY BEST TO YOU

MO


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Review of Spell Checker  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece inspired a big grin. I have ongoing problems with spell checking software. Spell check frequently recommends words thgat are ludicrous and have no relationship to the meaning which was my original intent. The title of this piece reached out and grabbed me. How could I not take the time to review it?

I enjoyed this piece. More Please!

Mo


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Review of I Am  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I stumbled upon this work of art by accident. Isn't WDC wonderful? It allows the touch of another soul when it is needed most.
thank you for sharing this piece. I spend a lot of hours looking at one small slice of the universe and i've decided there are never too many stars.

Mo


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Review of Coffee  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
In the interest of being HONEST Im going to say this (the way it is) is Average! We all begin somewhere!
In the interest of being helpful I will point out options of changing it to make it better. The poem is yours and should remain yours so I will not cram my suggestions down your throat. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

you wrote:

Your stated purpose of writing this piece is to entertain

Dark or light
Cream and Sugar (
Awake in the morning, afternoon, or night
Keeps you sane
Keeps you focused
In conflict with tea ??? I do not understand why this line is here???
Taking your money
Simple little cup
You're sipping to stay awake

My take on this would be different and just this old man's way of using your excellent start would be:

Coffee: A Welcome
Smell in the morning
Helps me get one eye
All the way open

Dark or light
Day or night
Starbucks
Or Folgers Home made

A simple little cup
Brings the world
Into focus
Morning Noon or Night

The differences are apparent it could be made to rhyme

Or tingle the senses

There are 10,000 poems which could be written about coffee
The one with your name on should be the best you can write.

Practice makes perfect! Write every day there is always something
a few lines waiting to spring themselves in sadness or laughter
upon the world.

Write on computer or napkins at lunch
or on the margins of a takeout menu
But Write Write Write


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome aboard.

There is much more here than is first apparent

Some good advice: The shorter a post, be it prose or poem; the more important each syllable is. In poems each sound is a stepping store for your reader to reach the destination where you lead them.

Yes, I believe poetry is best read aloud. I try to always have someone read what I have written. I hear any rough spots much more clearly than sight reading something I know because I wrote it. I know what I meant when I wrote it, why does a reader fail to understand my genius? LOL

It is easy to view ones own work myopically because we are so close to it.

I hope you have a helpful rewarding experience here at WDC

Mo


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I explore a lot of paths, feelings, crossroads and still experience something new every time I allow myself to venture out of the penitentiary I have created stone by cold unrelenting stone. . I wonder why it is so difficult to allow others to just be without confining them and ourselves to the prison of our unreal expectations. Perhaps we are too lazy to try to understand that which differs from the image we have so carefully pasted on our wall.

I am touched deeply by this poem.


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Review of I am an Echo  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem. You touch places in my soul that have been visited by similar feelings. Perhaps it is good for our spirit to feel small, vulnerable maybe even insignificant in the grand scheme. A late night view of the stars can be a view of a tiny piece of the universe, or a glimpse of the great void. Either way the experience leaves me with an idea of the limitations of myself alone and makes me value the touches of others, both large and small that make it possible for me to know who I am.

In a piece this short every syllable acquires increased significance. Read it out loud. Have someone else read it to you. Keep in mind that viewing that of which we already have a perfect view in our minds eye does not guarantee our reader will see the same thing on the big screen in their mind. It is refreshing for someone to get exactly what our words were intended to mean. Yet It is possible to have fifty people read something and each come away with something else. We are only able to interpret what we read bases on our own view of the world. That does not mean ones persons experience is more valuable than another.

I really like what you have written. Keep striving for fluid transitions from one thought to another. It has been my pleasure to read and review this piece. I am positive that one who shows your talent could tweak this and arrive closer to that elusive thing called perfection.


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Review of Verity  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Interesting piece. Would make a good script for "Twilight Zone"

I tend to think personally that there are few "tricks" that can be played on us; unfortunately we play tricks on ourselves.

This was interesting to read, easy to follow, and moved just at the right pace for a piece this length. Good Job!

Mo


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Review of AWAKEN  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You should write greeting cards. The depth of feelings you share are powerful and communicate in the language of the spheres.

You have a way of putting into words feelings everyone has but are unable to communicate.


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Review of Coffee and war.  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like your characters, the story itself, and the lesson it presents. You present food for thought to your reader,

I can see some room for improvement. The slang seems more appropriate for Australia, than the Civil war era Americans who were at the fire. All of these people were probably poorly educated and I reckon they were not scholars., It is very difficult to transport yourself to another place and time and maintain a believable dialog when so many words used have different shades of meaning from place to place.

A word of advice. Choose who your intended audience is going to be, then carefully select your language accordingly. Presentation and nuance mean so much especially in a piece this short. There just ain't much room for fixin a story which has as few errors.

I will NOT tell you you used poor English I will tell you that you could have selected some wording which would have been more appropriate for the setting and your characters. Your audience is the average WDC reader which happens to be American with a wide variety of language skills. If you wish to write for a particular group that is fine. Just do not make the mistake of expecting that everyone will be comfortable with your word choices. I do not mean to infer that there is a shortage of diversity at WDC, just that you need to select you language for your target audience.

A Good reference book THE DICTIONARY OF AMERICAN SLANG, might be available at your local library

Now comes the difficult part, assigning a fair rating.

The story itself deserves a 5, but in my opinion the presentation could have been more effective so I give that portion a 2.5 (average)

This fine piece would gain immensely from a good tweaking and recieve4 the higher rating it would then deserve.


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Review of Saving Gertrude  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Excellent Piece. No specific suggestions. I like it as is.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like your story. It could use a tiny bit of polish. I was under the impression that the pilgrims had been in England and sailed on a rented ship named the Mayflower, from the port of Amsterdam. Therefore I do not understand the line: {So it was away to Africa and “Hello,” to the new unexplored continent]

Is there something in our history that I missed. I slept through my share of classes. BOREDOM!



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Review of A Father's Cry  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The deep heartfelt message almost boosts the rating by itself.

The rhyme scheme is inconsistent and somewhat distracting. If you use all of the tools available you can find words which will keep your rhyme consistent. Do not be afraid to change word order, sometimes that helps me find a difference way to rhyme a pair of stubborn lines.

I really like this, Like all fathers I have spent time beating myself for not being perfect. I never appreciated the saying I heard from the time I was young; "Too soon old, to late smart." Now that I am 71 its significance is undeniable. Sad that we can not know when our children are young that the most important things are the easiest to be damaged. Chasing dollars just was not what was most important, my job took me away from home, now I understand what seems to be most important.

Good writing. Keep writing from your heart. It lends resonance to your poetry.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The woman of whom you write, deserves to have this written. Survivors should be lauded. What does not kill us makes us stronger.

The feelings are loud and clear and touch my heart and soul. I have a certain empathy from nearly dying of thirst, blisters from the hot sand on the bottoms of my feet. Yet today I am old, but i am strong. Time does not steal one's soul, does it.

I want you to know that this message is important to me I want to see it at its most powerful

I am old school I am 71, and I have an O P I N I O N which I would like to share. Poetry should be poetic. That is it should flow smoothly over the tongue when read aloud. Its taste should linger on your lips, whether it is as sweet as honey or bitter as the gall from a freshly slaughtered lamb. There is nothing which is barred from becoming a poem. So the subject is not the issue, presentation is. That is a combination of the depth and breadth of your story, your choice of words that you use to tell it, and last but not least the way it sounds when read aloud.

A poem should be smooth whether it describes a valley filled with flowers, or a 6 x 6 flatbed piled high with bodies extracted from a mudslide which left thousands trapped without air under its surface. The poem can be smooth and express what ever feeling you wish.

I will leave you with a small sample of what I mean. Remember this is OPINION not the gospel of Moarzjasac.

You wrote : "South, in the desert land.
A tragedy.
A girl taken from her family,
and thrown in the home of a demented man.

I have had a lot of practice and I would have started with a smooth hook with a fine point to snag my reader. This is the first opportunity for you to meet your reader and begin the process of leading them through the journey of your writing.

In the desert land parched and dry
A story which should make you cry
A young girl stolen from her home
In the dark of night I hear her moan

I chose to use rhyme which allows me some latitude about meter. This was a quickie, I spent only a couple minutes so it is not an example of perfection. Poetry does not have to rhyme, but free verse should also communicate the poet's thoughts clearly to their reader. It should also be smooth.

You have a rough gem, I feel it is well worth the time and the effort to polish into its symmetry and let it become all that it is.

Keep writing. It is worth it, when you finally get one just the way that you want, it will make you proud.




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