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That of which you write sounds as if you have up close and personal experience, either vicariously or as a participant. You have my empathy, I feel your pain.
Sometimes Writing helps release some of the negative energies which tend to cloud our lives. Without a way to get rid of them they accumulate like thick fog and obscure everything else.
Now this poem, is rather hard to read as it does not have a smooth flow. I believe a little thought and attention to detail will improve this piece exponentially.
I am 71 Years old. I have seen and experienced much. Our perspectives will be much different. I would like to share some generic advice on writing poetry. Some is intended for poets with less experience than you have, but I believe that all poets can occasionally be reminded of what they are doing. No slight is intended.
It is my hope that perhaps I can help you find your best way to express the things which matter most to you.
In the late 50's I had an English teacher who loved poetry. We strayed a good distance from the prescribed curriculum.
Every class she would read us a short poem. The next morning we were to hand in a short review when we came to class. If one missed turning it in the strength of her disappointment was worse than classic punishments.
"A poem should flow smoothly from one point to another and carry you along with its message downstream, exactly where the poet wants you to be."
She left me with an idea of what separates good poetry from average; Easily understood, touching, evokes feelings. I want to feel the poet beside me as I am awestricken with the word pictures they have painted. I want to be a part of your message. Take me by the hand and lead me where you want me to go, show me what you want me to see. From a battlefield full of broken bodies, resting in heaps of biological trash that used to be the vessel of souls; to a field of lavender that stretches toward the mountains and fills the air with its sweet scent from one end of the valley to the other. Subjects need not be beautiful, but the flow needs to be smooth.
I learned to love the music and form of poetry and realize the wide variety of poetry.
**************This is generic advice about poetry in general***************
Poetry exists in many forms from epic poems, to haiku, rhyme and free verse, structured and less structured, with meter and without repetitive meter.
But All poetry shares certain features.
The shorter a piece, the heavier the weight of each individual word.
1:Poetry is intense, and demanding, word selection is of paramount importance.
2. Authors must throw fragments of feelings, sights, and sounds out to the reader ands hope to successfully touch at least one other heart with their song.
3. Good poetry flows musically with or without rhyme; it blends into something larger than the sum of its parts. The taste of it lingers on the
tongue when reading it. It can be bitter or sweet. Since the taste of Tupelo honey is strong and very sweet, I often use it as an example of lingering taste. However so is the taste of gall from a freshly slaughtered lamb. All life is not an experience which inspires hopeful expectation. Some of what we encounter steals our optimism and makes even putting one foot in front of the other a difficult chore.
4. Few poems come out in one piece, Even short ones have thought splices, resulting in slight rough spots at the intersections where two
thoughts cross. Smoothly transcending these spots is what separates outstanding poetry from anything less.
5. When writing free verse one must avoid a total lack of symmetry
6. The very best test of any poem is being read out loud. This helps me to locate things that are just slightly less musical than they could be.
The art of poetry is to use words that evoke feelings and for the whole poem; that somehow transcend the laws of nature and become much more than the sum of the individual parts.
keep practicing, write frequently, write from the pit of your stomach and the depths of your soul.
I hope this will serve as a general guide, and inspire you to read and edit each and every piece that flows from your obviously inspired mind.
You will learn how to say exactly what you want in a way that brings your readers along. Writing is a process, Perfection is an elusive goal.
I am 71 and have read and written every day that I can remember, and only a few have satisfied me. It is worth all the hours, and all the mistakes on the way when just one comes out right.
I encourage you to write, and express the inner beauty which radiates from your works.
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