|Hi! My name is Taher, and I came to your story through the front page under "Read a Newbie". First of all, welcome to Writing.com. Once you immerse yourself in this site, you will forget all the other things that are there on or off the web. It is that addictive. I wish you a good outing on WdC, and request you to keep in touch. If ever you need help, don't hesitate to contact me.
I am going to review this story in some length. While pointing out the positives, I might also draw your attention to negative things if there are any. Please bear with me as I read the story through before commenting anything at all.
Title, brief description, rating and Genre-type:
Your title, brief description and genres are perfect. I would modify your rating to 18+ as the story has the F-word many times in it.
Your telling of the circumstances around the later part of the story was very interesting and done with near perfection. However, without any say-so, the close friends of the narrator seemed to apparate from nowhere. You should have eased them in with a brief statement that you were with your friends, and maybe added a few lines about them - their appearance or mannerisms or behaviour, or idiosyncrasies - or whatever.
The body of the work:
I liked the conversational style throughout the story. You are either a college-going student yourself, or are very familiar with the lingo teens and young adults use in college. I think if you double space the lines throughout the dialogue, and use a new line for EACH AND EVERY NEW QUOTATION, no matter how small it is, the item will become more readable. I see that the entire story has some double line breaks, thus enabling the reader to skip from one scene to the next, and this is wonderful. Have you considered using three asterisks or dashes or something like that to make this even more easily visible?
The craft of story-telling and the grammar:
I would rate you average on the first, and in need of a few spelling and grammar checks on the second. The use of slang should be, as far as possible, within a dialogue, and not in the narration, because the narration is by the author, while the dialogue is by the character within the story. For example, using "kinda" instead of "kind of".
The ending and the overall effect of the story:
The ending was a really pleasant and interesting surprise, and it rated high on my list. It is a good twist indeed, and the final dialogue links the whole story together, so no complaints here!
What I liked:
As I stated above, I liked your writing style and your ending.
What I did not like:
There is nothing here that I did not like ... except that, as I said earlier, you might want to use double spacing between your dialogue lines, and do a good spelling and grammar check here.
Suggestions for improvement:
I usually refrain from pointing out errors, but if you need that kind of editing, do let me know, and I will do it for you, albeit at my own leisure.
Thanks for a nice read!
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