Although I am not a judge for The Geographical Fiction contest, I am now required to cast the vote for the winner as both you and Stargopher are tied for a place among the winners. This was an engrossing tale all right, and you have done a good job at research too.
Great write-up.
Taher
** Image ID #1573055 Unavailable **
Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!
Hello. This is Taher. I welcome you to this amazing website known to all as WDC! How has your stay here been since you joined? I am sure you have been busy writing and reading.
This is a poem that tells about the loyalty and need of a person for someone else. A promise to return the favours is also made at the end. That was a very sweet ending for the poem. If you are wondering why I chose to rate you as "average", it is because the poem can be enhanced a lot if you correct a few of the errors that I am pointing out:
You are the one to whom I turn ... this is the correct first line. The word "are" needs to be added in most of the lines in the poem except for the third last line.
The word "straight" is misspelled in line 4 as "strait".
In the last line, the sentence "It shall always be returned for thee" does not make it clear what that "it" is supposed to mean.
That is about it.
Wish you all the best on WDC and off it too.
Taher
Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!
A fight in a tomato patch! Wow, that is sure gonna colour the newspaper headlines red, if you know what I mean ...
Hi. I am Taher, and on this Sunday, I decided to read the items written by those who have recently joined WDC, and so, here I am . Officially, you will remain a "newbie" till you complete 2 months on this site, so, like, you have a week or so more to be called a newbie.
This item had a devious but sad ending, in that she committed arson against his house for him disowning her from his household. You wrote well, and the only error I found was at this place:
>>Alethia lit the matches and threw them, one by one onto the gasoline<<
In this line, a second comma is needed after the phrase "one by one".
I am Taher, and I welcome you aboard this amazing, life-changing website, WRITING.COM. How have your first 12 days been on this site? Are you getting good feedback on your items? Are you reading others' work as well? Remember, the more you read and review, the more are other people going to come and read your work in exchange.
This poem is heart-felt and written so well. Although there is no rhyme and it is free verse, you have, at least a good sense of meter and rhythm in the poem. Your use of metaphors and idioms is also good. Your likening the heaving and sobbing of a grieved human to somone who is on "fire" is unusual at best, and something "crazy" and slightly unbelievable!
I loved that attitudinal shift in the last few lines. Great verse,
Welcome to the world of WDC or writing.com. Besides being a wonderful reading and writing platform for authors, it also serves as a site for unburdening, catharsis, etc, and to that extent, is a form of strong therapy recommended for all those who are swept away by the tide of life's tragedies and misfortune.
I am really sorry to know how your family got completely torn apart by a set of unforeseen circumstances and complicated by an insensitive, emotionally immature and uncaring mother's actions of neglect and abuse. Your story, autobiographical that it is, is really heart wrenching and I admire the nerve of Cameron - perhaps you - in making an all out effort to save his siblings from their mother's onslaught.
There are dozens of spelling and other mistakes, and perhaps, later on, when you come back to this story and decide to check it on literary merit, you will rectify them. At that time, if you need any help, do let me know and I will be glad to help you out. Until then, I think it should stay as it is.
Welcome to Writing.com, the place to be whether you are a reader or a writer. It is a very pleasing thing to see someone colouring his/her new port black with the submission of some of his/her work as soon as they become a member. You are one such person, and I congratulate you on the same.
The paradox that you have highlighted in the item is too real and believable. At times, people get intimidated by someone who looks cocksure and glares back at their friendly look. In fact, I think I have experienced this myself: I have often hesitated befriending someone who comes on too strong; the vibes just don't connect.
You might want to check on the spelling of the "first" word in the title, insert an apostrophe to the word "shes" in the first line, and replace the word "much" by "many" in the ninth line of the poem.
Hi. A big welcome to WDC, or Writing.com. As a new comer, you must be finding the site overwhelming, aren't you? Indeed, the site is full of things one can only discover at a leisured pace, and that is exactly what I recommend. At the same time, the fact that you already have something written in your port is commendable.
It is true that base emotions corrupt the best of people, and hatred - or hate as you call it - corrupts the mind and destroys the body too. I am more scared of hating someone or something more because it can have a backlash effect on me, rather than because it will harm the thing or the person at whom it is directed.
There was one line that I did not follow. Would you please explain this to me:
For in all my disgrace but glory,
I end up better than you.
Five days into WDC, and you are simply fantastic with this take on "people-watching" at malls/grocery stores. Hi. I am Taher ... and I am here to welcome you, Bionic Possum, to this wonderful reading and writing site. You have written a fairly good essay! The initial part where you write about farms and farmers became a little irrelevant later on as you began to narrate experiences of watching people buy certain "specific" things at stores. May be you could edit the item and leave in the essential things and stuff, and remove what is not needed.
Very well-written! I am Taher, and am the judge for this round's submissions for
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1537106 by Not Available.
. Incredible writing is all I can say, and interesting too. The only sore thing was the slightly higher number of errors of language or spelling.
I have sent you the list separately with edit points.
Hello. I am Taher, and I am the weekly judge for the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1537106 by Not Available.
I think this is a very well composed poem on self-discovery and the igniting of the spark of understanding an internal emotion. All through the poem, I was trying to see if the image of this emotion holds true in my mind, and I am glad to say that it did.
I thought that in the line "For, in his presence, she is no more", you meant to say that "she is not alone any more". If that is correct, then the dropped words were crucial to understand the meaning. May be you need to work on that line a little more so that it conveys the meaning more clearly without becoming too long. May I suggest - "But, she knows, she isn't any more"?
Lastly, the first lines of the first and last stanza are better rephrased as "So this is what the fuss is all about", IMHO.
You made me cry, really. Michael and I are almost the same age, and I lived my medical college years and youth listening and seeing him day and night. You wrote this from the heart, and I think this was one of the best tributes given to anyone that I have read on this amazing site. I am gonna give you a little something to adorn this page.
Well-written story for the Parenting contest, I must say. Your sentences are full of the truth of life, and I don't think that the things she does are any different from a woman who is not divorced but whose children are away on a camp or gone to his mother's place or something. Reading the last year's bestseller reminded me of the same. I have yet to catch up with the last two year's bestsellers! I loved that sentiment a lot where you say that love is not bound by space or time. Indeed, love is timeless!
Interesting and perhaps predictable ending, but even so, you did succeed in quickening the reader's pulse when she does not easily spot her children disembarking off the plane.
This is a nice poem indeed. I think the use of the word the (underlined by me in the following two lines) needs to be dropped:
>>Limbs apart, the skirt floating in the air,<<
>>While in Rome behave as the Romans do<<
This, I know, might afftect the syllable count/line, but that's about it. The poem is good. However, nothing is said about why the Western girl is up in the air with both her feet off the ground. No human can do such acrobatics!
This is an interesting first chapter for the 14-7-1 challenge that you have undertaken! I wish you all the best in this venture, and I do hope and pray that you are among the winning authors! Your story line is very believable and well-written. I just wonder how the two women are related, but I think it might be best if I await the next installment tonight or the next. Good effort. Why not space out the paras so that they are easy to read?
Taher, reviewing you as a participant of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
Hi. I am Taher, and I am reviewing you as a participant of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . You have said it plainly and honestly, and I agree wholeheartedly with your point of view.
However, I have to say that you can do a lot to the layout and paragraphing of this essay if you want people to read the whole item with deep thought and satisfaction. You should space out your paragraphs. Also, you need to pay attention to common errors like "their" vs. "they're" (...check out the second paragraph for this one!)
Your premise that it is only the mad and non-conformist people who can kick-start a new revolution, is set up very well. You just need to convince the world that your point of view is correct, and then, I think a smile could grace your stern outlook.
Hi. This is Taher, and I am reviewing you as a participant of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . It is always something in the nature of bravery when a person stands up against a wrong, against perpetrated or possible perpetration of an injustice, a violation or an abuse. Males doing abuse is definitely a lot commoner than the opposite, so this poem is true to reality. Your poem, written as a sort of invocation to a woman to stand up against injustice, is done well. I commend you for the easy font and the simple yet powerful language.
Taher here to review you as a participant of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . You sure write well, Bran, and I. for one, am restricted to simply admiring your writing and the thoughts it contains. Your poem is unique, in that it describes, from the POV of the narrator, in second person, an individual with hidden talent - a man of God who does not "show" this as a manifest quality but one that is hidden behind layers of "innocence", "child-like qualities" and an amused indifference to the unwise people around him. Your dedication was fantastic, and spoke so much despite its brevity!
Hello. Taher here. I think what you say should be promoted on many more forums, as it has the ring of truth. However, a scholarly stance is much better than the other approach you show on Nukkad. From that point of view, that is, rational argument vs. rabid espousing of one's stand, this article clearly, is a winner.
Hi. I am Taher, and as a participant for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , I am visiting your port as this item was highlighted on the main page. According to me, and I have stated this often in various fora and discussions - both on WDC and elsewhere - the muse is not some static object or angel sitting inside us, but, rather, a chance occasion where simple and mundane objects and events can trigger off our writing. Your example shines out! The poem has excellent meter, and a very good ABCB rhyme scheme.
Hi. I am Taher. I am participating in a general review challenge, and this review is a part of the same (see "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor for details!). Welcome to the enchanting, wonderful world of Writing.com. I hope you are enjoying the flush of entering your work and seeing your portfolio turn from a drab gray to a sparkling black!
Although I could not identify with your inspiration as I do not know who Wendy is, I think that by and large, this was an above average effort that was nicely balanced in its style and content. Not many people would call it a poem, by the way, and do not be disheartened if someone rates you very low because of the same. Your concluding lines actually lifted this item from the ordinary to something more than that, as it disclosed the real intentions of the narrator. Well done, indeed.
Hi. I am Taher, and I am reviewing you as a participant for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Your poem of beseeching the good qualities of life and living and using the handle of an innocent child who should hark to the call of one who is aware of the good-ness of life is very stirring and evokes memories of one's own innocence when one was a child. As we age, our hearts become more and more black and sinful, and you have done well to remind the reader of this. Your call to the child to shine above all the muck of the earth and to show the world what innocence can be like is something I easily identify with as a parent. However, and this is the truth, today's children are unlikely to hear whatever you are telling them, and your plea will definitely die a death more sickening than any that you have heretofore seen.
Hi. This is Taher, and as a participant of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , I welcome you to WDC as a senior member and also as a fellow-Indian. You have completed one week here, and I am sure you are still trying to find your way about this amazing site. I was pleased to see that you already have six items in your port!
Coming to this poem: it is an interesting take on the seasons, and you have made the ending very nice and poetic by comparing the narrator's state of mind to the arrival of a new season in her heart. I was only a bit confused by the line "His presence brought showers in me". What did that mean? I hope you will reply to this as and when possible.
Hi. This is Taher. I am participating in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , and this review is a part of the effort I am making to do well in the challenge. This is an original take on a man's passion going to rust because of physical disease (in this case, a heart attack.) You have nicely amalgamated real life issues of heart ailments with metaphysical pocket holes and cravings and manoeuvres to live a full life without interruption. I did not understand some of the lines, and maybe that is a deficiency of mine. For example, could you please explain these two lines:
My fourth review on behalf of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . You are a gifted poet indeed, and have used the WAVE format very intelligently.The connection you make between the wavy shafts of wheat and the waviness of hair is done very imaginatively. My best lines pertained to the thought that no one can devalue humans, although, honestly, I do not agree with these lines. Humans are always being devalued - in the third world, and even in the U.S., where, in some communities, the blacks are second class citizens.
Sweetgrass hair ... er, what is that? I would love to understand that metaphor.
This is my third review for you on behalf of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Childhood innocence is wonderful to watch, but in its passing before our eyes, we also learn a few basic things of life. We learn to believe in magic, to enjoy the present, to be carefree, to play even while the sun shines overhead and stresses us out, and so on. I need you to explain the word "Ridvan" as I haven't come across it so far. No other problems.
Write On!
- drtaher
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