Hi. I am doing this review as part of the "SHOWERING ACTS OF JOY" group where you have paid for a port raid. So, how have the first few months on this site been? Have you been enjoying yourself? Need any help, please do write in.
Coming now to this review: This is an amazing poem with a very good flow, an easy to understand image of a lazy summer afternoon, and a lovely conclusion where the animate part of the story took over to give a feeling of happiness to the reader.
Er ... specs should be "specks", but that is the only error/typo I found. You write well!
Welcome to Writing.com, a friendly place to read and write. I am Taher, and I have been here since the past 6 1/2 years!
This is an extremely inward looking poem from someone as young as you seem to be. I know that this might only be a fictitious creation not founded on your own life, but, as they say, a writer always puts some of his/her soul into anything written by him/her. Wrting is a process of self-discovery, and if you choose to undertake that journey with your mind open, you will be better and better every day.
Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us.
Hi. This is Taher. Welcome to the world of Writing at WDC, the finest community of readers and writers. If this s the first review of your poem, let me say that it is a heart-felt poem with a lot of possibilities. In its present form, it needs to be tweaked a little, and I know that as you keep receiving feedback, you will understand and correct the mistakes. I will help you along the way if you so wish. Trust me, your writing holds promise of improvement very soon. I know, because I have taken the same journey on WDC for the last seven years, and find myself a much better writer because of that.
Whichever music inspired you to write this one - the poem came out quite well. You used many fable-ulous characters and made it jouncy, entertaining and even very funny. My favourite stanza is the Jiminy Cricket one, followed closely by the one on Humpty Dumpty.
The only thing that I feel can be improved upon is your rather excessive use of the apostrophe to shorten some word combinations. I f I am not mistaken, there are at least a dozen of this. In a story, they are fine, but in a poem, they look artificially rigged to contract the line or to improve the rhythm. I hope you don't mind this criticism.
Thank you for sharing this interesting poem with us.
Every time I read one of your works, my eyes water with laughter. This one was really, really funny! Your account of your first "biscuiting" experience (to coin an interesting new word) was hilarious and educative at the same time. Your descriptions of how the first lesson turned into a disaster patiently borne by the rest of your family were not only funny, but also accurate and on the button as it were.
The way your brother used the first biscuits made by you was unique to the extreme!
Enjoyed this item very much and found no errors. Having read three or four items written by you, I must say that you write really well.
I think you deserved the "Story of the week" WDCF award! Writing about an experience that was so mind-blowing - fearful, exciting, entertaining and also educative to people who have never seen such rides - was an achievement hard to equal! You did it so seemlessly. I detected some typos and spelling mistakes, but they did not take away anything from the astute observations and descriptions of the various pluses and minuses of the ride, and also, the overall shift in attitude of the main character as she finally assimilated the beauty of the nerve-wracking, gravity defying ride.
While most of what you say is in the public domain, there are many areas where you have made logical and some not so logical jumps without providing proper proofs. For example, your statement "Pakistan was consistently supported and nurtured by Britain and USA, so that they might get a foothold and doorway to Islamic countries bordering Pakistan. " You have then used the same argument for saying that Afghanistan was attacked to control neighboring Islamic countries. In both cases, the proof for your comments is not objectively provided.
Other than that, the conclusions drawn by you are very sapient and worth a read.
As always, your article - the questions and the answers - are quite lucid and clear. However, I have a couple of differences here and would like to join issue with you on them:
a) I do not think morals and ethics have anything to do with formal religion. They (i.e. the morals and ethics) are basic stuff inbred within mankind, and could be offshoots of herd memory. One can be completely a-religious and yet have impeccable moral values.
b) Schools - at least those in big cities in India - have a compulsory one hour period on moral education/value education. I have seen the things that children are taught in these classes - but I think morals are better learnt in the classroom of home by precept and example rather than by rote learning in a formal classroom.
c) America's attack on Iraq has nothing to do with morals of the President of the US, its Senate members, its HOR members or its populace. Let us accept that there is nothing ethical in politics, warfare and wooing a life-partner.
Hi. This is Dr. T, and I am reviewing this to determine which story is the best from among those listed by Aaron for the WDCF story of the month. Your story was long, but you told it well. Your dialogue was very realistic too. The descriptions were mind-blowing and made the reader actually draw and see a mental picture of whatever it is that you were describing.
Overall, I enjoyed the story even more than the fact that it was a contest entry. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for listing all the things we may wish to have from others, and also from our own selves. I loved the way you went about enumerating all those things! My favourite lines were these:
a hand to hold amidst the storm; and ...
a shoulder to cry on
when we’re the ones left.
Thank you for a lovely poem. All the best for the PWW!
Good job. Your use of WritingML is perfect and innovative in this poem. It reads more like an Ode to Mother India, does it not? I have no hesitation to recommend that your poem goes for consideration to PWW's current round. Let us wait until the 10th to see if anyone else submits.
It was heartening to read a bit about your life! I enjoyed the way you described your various activities, and I understand that you are from a non-English foundation. In the event, your text has suffered from several mistakes of sentence construction and grammar. In spite of this handicap, the article was entertaining and educative too.
Ahh ... birthing! The joy of a new soul entering this vast, polluted and overcrowded world, where there are still waters, rainbows, ethereal natural beauty and the filth made by Mankind! Most of the words chosen by you in this poem are nice and interesting! Some sound different from what an unborn baby will utter ... in fact, they sound lurid .... until one reaches the end and realises that these words were uttered by the baby as it is being born!
I could not understand the lines "Your entrance to my heaven" . Does it refer to the womb or to the outside world? What, in fact, is the "heaven" that the baby refers to? Another problem word was "scream". A baby cries, he does not scream at birth. Perhaps you need to work on that word too. The word "throb" also brings to the mind a sensation that is quite different from the contractions of the uterus and the birthing of the baby. You should sit with this poem and try and polish it again. Remember, in such a small and intense poem, every word counts and must work towards enhancing the reading.
Mother Earth is really our mother and the way we treat Her is something so shameful and deplorable that words cannot be found adequately to criticise ourselves. Your diamante poem tries to say what people have been saying with a lot of introspection. I wonder why you use the ALL CAPS font here? You can get a similar effect even with the small case letters.
The most awkward line in this poem was the fourth one: "balanced to your nature". What does that mean? I would prefer a simpler but more correct version like "in balance with Nature" or "in perfect harmony with Nature". Try these and see which one you want to retain when you have tried both the options.
My favourite lines are the last few lines. Your hope of living that one life in a better way "again and again" is a bit cryptic, but okay, insofar as this reveals your enthusiasm for a green planet.
Thank you for sharing this with us. And, do not think that your own actions don't make any difference to the planet. They do, they will. Just keep at it!
Hello. I guess this was whipped up within a day during your AS tasks. Even so, I think you have done a very good job of etching out both the characters of the story. A little extra information on what the lady was actually doing would have demystified the reader: even after reading the whole story, I could not decipher if there was black magic or was the lemonade laced. The word "silver" was misspelt at one place, perhaps a typo.
I found the punctuation gone wrong in the following sentence: >>Mrs. Manekwala came out and placed the tray on a small three-legged rose-wood table, it teetered on the narrow verandah that ran around her colonial style bungalow.<< Instead of the comma after the word "table", a semi-colon would have been more appropriate.
Finally, the apellation "dikra" does not mean "child"; it means "son".
I don't think I could find anything wrong in this item! Excellent write-up and good logic has been used throughout the essay. I would recommend that you give a small background about the way Indian doctors practise ... however, I do not agree that resident doctors in private hospitals are paid less than those in governmental institutes. The scenario has changed ....
You are absolutely free to rant about anything here on Writing.com, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Hi. My name is Taher. Welcome to the amazing world of WRITING DOT COM or WDC as we all call it.
Religion of a person is an accidental thing: we are BORN into a family that follows a certain religion. Period. God, or a super-being is just an unifying concept. Jesus, God, Allah, Ishwar, they are all one and the same. Once we accept that there is, indeed, a super-power, then we can accept that it can be any of the above or any other thing that people pray and worship to. However, if one is an agnostic or an atheist, then one closes off a big part of his/her mind and chooses to remain unexposed to the BIG GOD VS. SCIENCE debate.
I did find a lot of errors in the item. You should space out your paragraphs and use colour (check out WritingML in the "Site Tools" section) if you are comfortable with its use.
Indeed, the world of fantasy and fairies is something that enchants all readers. So has this lovely poem! I liked the rhyme that was near-perfect throughout the three stanzas. I also liked your use of correct punctuation almost everywhere.
The minus point of this poem is the rather difficult to understand references. Who is the finger-sized fairy? Who is the creature alluded to in the third line? Who is the visionary who appears in line 5? Is the prince in the second and the third stanza the same person?
Please insert an "Author's note" at the bottom to explain these and some of the other odd lines.
Thank you so much for creating this lovely medium for allowing members to book prayers with dedicated people. I am a Muslim by birth, but I have a strong feeling that prayer-modes may be different, but the ultimate Ears that hear our prayers are the Same Ones that belong to God/Allah/Bhagwan.
Wow. That was sure a good story! I liked the way you described the old man when he first appeared in the story. The recycler came across as an insecure but lucky businessman who has a stony heart, and the old man as a kind-hearted vagrant. Both central characters were well developed. The dog could have been better described: it would have helped if you had mentioned its size and its breed, but no matter. It did not take away much from the story.
The twist at the end was awesome and you deserve full marks on the creativity category! Good work!
Hi. This is Taher, and I am here to review you. Welcome to the world of writing.com, one of the best sites on the net for those who enjoy writing and reading. I hope that your association with this site will last for many many years.
The poem ""The Key To Life" is a good beginning for your port. Reiterating the value of accepting whatever Life hands you and the importance of TODAY, the poem goes on to discuss and advice others on how they must learn to cherish loyalty, honesty, piety and the spirit of living a full life! Thank you for sharing such good advice.
Just one suggestion: In the following line replace the underlined word with "you're": >>because when the time comes your going to wish you had it.<<
Hi. This is Taher, and I am here to review you. Welcome to the world of writing.com, one of the best sites on the net for those who enjoy writing and reading. I hope that your association with this site will last for many many years.
The poem ""The Key To Life" is a good beginning for your port. Reiterating the value of accepting whatever Life hands you and the importance of TODAY, the poem goes on to discuss and advice others on how they must learn to cherish loyalty, honesty, piety and the spirit of living a full life! Thank you for sharing such good advice.
Just one suggestion: In the following line replace the underlined word with "you're": >>because when the time comes your going to wish you had it.<<
Hi. I am Taher. I am doing this review as part of the weekly exercise given by Sherri for her Simply Positive group, where your poem is featured till the 11th of this month. I cannot fault you for your beautiful rhyme! The imagery and the descriptions, some of them purely physical, some, metaphysical, are also good. What was the reason for rating you a 3.5? Let me explain: the main reason, in my humble opinion, is the cadence, which is missing. The first stanza is all right. It is the second one that gets afflicted with long lines that take away the charm of the poem. Perhaps you should sit and revise it. Do shorten the lines and I am sure the rhythm will re-appear.
I am doing this review as part of the "Simply Positive Review group"'s weekly exercise. I think what shines out in this account is your honest and detailed narration of what was going on. The events were almost cataclysmic, so I can understand how the thoughts must have been, first, on the safety of all the living beings, and then, an assessment of the damage done by the storm.
Perhaps I don't know you well enough, but were you sarcastic or honest while writing this about their townsfolk: >>Seemed like half the town showed up soon after that. Pretty cool place I picked to land in. Can’t get over how nice and helpful everyone was!<< I suppose you weren't sarcastic.
Wow, this is a terrific item! Your layout and story are good, as is the choice of books that you have within the item. I admit I haven't read most of the books listed by you. Did you misspell "busses" or is it that way in the book title? Congratulations on being placed fourth.
Taher
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a hand to hold amidst the storm; and ...