What a lovely thought-chain you have expressed in this poem. Although the rhythm faltered at one or two places, and the poem became more like a prose item somewhere in the middle, the overall impact of the item was that it was meaningful, coherent and very sanguine about what it said. We should all look inside ourselves to vanquish terrorism and fear. Well said, indeed. Keep up the good work!
Hi. This is Taher. I am doing this review as part of the three promised reviews as per your request. This poem speaks of the primeval feelings that get unlocked when the protagonist screams - screams from within, his soul laid bare before others - and compares this release of a scream to the release of that infinite energy that lies within us.
While the poem is flawless in its word-usage, the punctuation needs a little tweaking. The ends of lines 4 and 5 do not need a full-stop (period) at all. I hope to see no punctuations at all on those two line endings.
The only other suggestion that I would give you is to include a small explanation on the poetry style that you have used in this highly commendable item.
This made for a very delightful read! You should be more active on this site and write more often. There is a freshness here that tells me that you have it in you.
A few suggestions (take them or leave them ... they are meant to be constructive):
You seem to have an active "{center }" tag throughout your item ... as a result of which, your prose is aligned towards the center of the page.
Secondly, you do need to work a little on the language: for example, in the very first paragraph, you write " I did n't see nor care" -- this should be modified to "I neither saw nor cared".
Hi. You might remember me, or not. I am Dr. Taher. I came to this item through the "Who's Online" link. This is a random pick from your portfolio. I liked the clarity and coherent thought process that went into writing this item. S & H green stamps, eh? I wish I had something similar to adjust my life in those days of youth when money itself was at a tidy premium and people, in any case, never paid well to the greenhorns!
As a young doctor, I got a mere pittance as "monthly stipend" which is like a re-imbursement for travelling to the place of work, only, it is never enough to cover even that!
Glad to read this small prose item.
Thanks for sharing it with us. Could you, perhaps, consider adding a line of asterisks or some other symbol between the two "parts" of this prose? Currently, there is just that extra line-space .
Ha ha. A "typical male, sexually charged muse"? What a story. I know this is a very old item in your port, but I sort of stumbled to it when I was searching for something interesting and not very long sized item to read and review. I must say that you have given your muse so many qualities that I think he must be something physical by now! A 20-year old perhaps?
I detected a few errors here:
Why the slang words in the first paragraph? There is an extra line space after the first paragraph. Is it intentional? If so, then that's okay. In the second para, the word "allot" is misspelt. >>Well, that and the fact that he can be very moody<< This line needs another comma, after the word "that". In the phrase "average built guy", it should be "averagely built guy".
In this beautiful poem, you recall so many different vibrant images of your grandpa! I enjoyed also the 5-word a line rule that you adhered to, right till the end. Since words can be of different lengths, a few lines became unusually short or long, but by and large, the poem preserved its cadence and rhyme. The climb-down from an imagined interaction to a world where the beloved is absent was penned quite realistically too.
Hi. This is Taher. I was exploring online authors and came to your port, and browsing through it, I am here on this poem of self-discovery.
Truly, a life evolves as much as it revolves, to use your own metaphor. In this poem, you have drawn a lovely picture of the trials and tribulations that we have to face before we can emerge from it, better, wiser, braver and more enriched by the experience of having lived through such a drastic period.
I loved some of your neologisms ... especially the "morningeve". That sounds so poetic! I am not even aware of the words that are scattered throughout your penultimate stanza. Perchance, they too sound like neologisms to me, but I could be wrong about "laughterbonnets" and "maxerpurries" and "dragonflydillies" and "gleedaisies" and so on.
*Sniff!* Taher here. I came to your poem thanks to a listing of "Reviewer's items" on the left hand side bar of the WDC page. I think what you have said in this poem must become a compulsary reading for all the netizens of the world. We are so often swept away by instant gratification, aren't we? This poem extols the virtues of perseverance, love, patience, caring, giving, and so many others! I was also quite impressed with the AABB rhyme that you maintained quite assiduously throughout! It faltered just a little with a less than perfect AA in the last stanza.
All in all, a super effort. And may the poem entice many more grandchildren to write letters to their grandparents ...
Alas, none of them are alive for me. But I remember, and a tear does roll down my cheek.
Welcome to the best internet site on Writing! I am Taher, and would like to say a few nice things about your story: the premise that an author might want to keep his identity secret is an interesting one. Hence, full marks to you for exploring this not-so-commonly written theme. However, in the entire story, you did not tell us why Stan would like to hide his identity.
You said that his fav. forms of writing were adventure and mystery, and yet ... why is his just published story from the fantasy genre. You should tell us this too.
You need to realise that it is never "me and my parents" or "him and the owner", but "the owners and he" and "my parents and I" while writing.
Finally, in the first sentence, you have written the word "righting" instead of "writing" ... perhaps a confusion because they are homophonic in character?
The story itself was very different, and I liked the way the parents decide to go for an author signing! Also appreciate the kidnapping drama that evolves in the writer's life. However, the end left us wondering why the story was written incomplete.
Hi. I am Taher, and have been referred to this poem through a site off-WDC. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Obama through this poem. I feel that the refrain :salute you: becomes too repetitive in the English version, unlike the gentle "namoh" in Hindi - which does not jar the senses in quite the same way.
Let me just try and suggest this variation:
Save minor’ties, I salute you.
Shine in the world, I salute you.
Don’t lose courage, I salute you.
Save USA, I salute you.
I would cut out the salutes from the first three lines and re-write this as:
Save the minorities,
Shine in the world,
Don’t lose courage,
And save the country.
If you re-worked this in a similar vein, the poem might be more easy on the ears/eyes.
However, this is only my personal opinion, and you are free to either accept any of it, or to discard it entirely.
Hi. I am Taher, and I am one of the reviewing participants in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . I am impressed by your story-telling skill. You make the story so easyu to read, and also, give it a nice twist near the end. However, the lady's character was not so well-developed and one found it difficult to believe that she was, in fact, Wilfred's widow and a ghost out to kill someone as innocent as the narrator of the tale. The menace and horror were, in my humble opinion, missing in the story.
However, to your credit, aside of a few minor errors, the item is free from any major typos or spelling errors.
Here are the minor errors that I spotted:
In the line - I must me going crazy, - replace "me" with "be". In the query - Who’s grave is it? - replace "who's" with "whose".
Reading your work is always a sort of education for poets of my calibre. You have painted a very harmonious picture of Spiritual and Heavenly Love that exists in all human beings. When man realises the meaning of this, he will have truly reached God. In this poem, you have explored a lot of different types of love - romantic, filial and societal, physical and metaphysical, spiritual and canonical. Throughout the poem, the "old man", as it were, exists inside the mind of the narrator. Your final few stanzas brought the "other person" successfully to merge with the narrator! Good work!
Hi. I am Taher, and I am here to review this item as part of the reviewers' team for the Frontliners. Your submission for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor is powerful, coherent and indeed very interesting to read. Your concept of an "offering" to become a part of the order of "Vampires" is something I had not earlier come across. Now, it makes sense, as someone who wants to achieve some unusual thing must be willing to pay a price for achieving the same. Characters in the above story were okayish, although you need to flesh them out a bit more. Fear is shown, but the reasons for the new recruit not bringing any offering are not discussed sufficiently for the reader to identify with them.
Wish you all the best in the contest! Happy Halloween in advance!
Hi. I am Taher, one of the reviewing frontliners for the contest you have submitted your entry in, viz. "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
On reading your poem, I was immediately prompted to tell you that your rhyme, rhythm and meter are almost perfect! That is the main reason I have rated you so high! On the other hand, the poem says nothing new ... we have all "been there" and "done that"! I would work on creating something new and fresh that appeals to the judges. Yet, the poem lacks nothing and is well-written. When things are written for contests, they have to have something unique.
Hi. Like you, I, too, am a contestant, but a reviewing one, for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Permit me to read your poem.
Thank you. I had no idea that you had a genuine liking for tercets (three-lined stanza poems)! In this poem, you have really taken pains to have a completely perfect rhyme and a near-perfect rhythm too. The transformation of a human-being into a monster with pleasure is something that is really well described in your poem. I loved this unusual outlook from the P.O.V. of the "victim", who now looks forward to more prey in its new avatar.
If I were you, I would remove that emoticon till the judging for the contest gets over. It is more of a distraction than anything to help the poem or its substance.
Using all the given prompts in a 14-line poem! Wow! You have really done well, my friend.
I am Taher, and, like you, I am a contestant in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , but as a reviewer only.
Kindly relax while I finish the item.
Your rhyme is near-perfect, as is the cadence. The rhyme faltered just once (in the second stanza).
I was a bit confused by the words "not all are tame". What did the "all" refer to? It might have created an image in your mind, but you have not spoken about anyone before that, so the words just seem to hang there.
The word "breathe" should be changed to "breath".
I was also surprised to read this about a haunted house with so many villains in it: >>In this house there is no sin.<< Could you explain how this happened?
Haunted houses and their tales are aplenty in the realm of stories, and it was interesting to read one more such story. I am Taher, and am reviewing this item as a participating reviewer-contestant for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
Your story was full of images and descriptions! I liked your images of the dormitories, the wooden doll and the red telephone on a Corinthian column. I was impressed by your second-time usage of some of these images to bring the item to a climax. I also liked the way you went about exploring the house through the eyes of the narrator.
Did I dislike anything in the story? Perhaps a few things: one of them was that your descriptions of the various passages and rooms tended to become lengthy and pointless. The narrative could have been tightened by at least 200 words if you had walked about the rooms with an economy of words. . The other thing that you left halfway was the ending, which was, undoubtedly correct for a scary tale, but there was no resolution and proper tidy ending. This story perhaps needs another 200 words to bring it to a proper conclusion (and some ideas too, I suspect.)
Dear Sherri, and all you staff people out there, working hard to make this forum the best on WDC:
I want to say that you simply ARE the best on the entire site! I have participated twice on the challenge, and I must say that although the rules for reviewing the items on the challenge are strict, your selection of the items is so meticulous, varied and interesting, that the challenge becomes all too easy!
Thank you Sherri, for having such an enjoyable forum here!
Congratulations on the beautiful ribbon! You have certainly written a timely, rhythmic and well-rhymed poem on the worthlessness of how religion is practiced in modern times, and how men fight with others just because they think everyone who follows any religion other than their own is wrong.
I appreciate the thought and seek permission to copy your poem and put it up at a prominent place in my office/clinic.
Hi. I am Taher, and have come to your item through SHERRI GIBSON's "Simply Positive Forum Review Group". I liked the basic premise that you have used in this item. Your encounter with the vampire is well described. I wish, though that you had spaced out the paragraphs, so that they were easy on the eyes. Good work. Nice ending ... open and left to the reader to interpret.
I had attempted a climbing poem too, and you can find it in my folder "Awarded items" in my port. Climbing poems are small but satisfying, in the sense that they create a rhythm of their own and make the poem shine out amidst the clutter in one's port (such as mine did). I liked the imagery too. Thank you for showing us the antics of the shark and the effects of its actions.
Hi. This is Taher, from the Showering Acts of Joy forum run by gooberette, here to review your item!
This poem, where the writer, feeling grossly inadequate and a cheater to boot, visits the grave of someone near and dear to him/her, is quite deeply introspective and perhaps a little care-free too. Introspective because it dwells on the hidden and not-so-hidden defects in the personality and behaviour of the writer; care-free because the writer freely admits to his/her flaws and promises to return to the grave to get updates.
All in all, an interesting poem. I would run this through the spell-checker to correct words like conscientious; also, in stanza 3, line 3, I guess you were looking to write "quiet" and not "quite".
Your raffles are really - like - wow! I am hoping to win something this time. Your item is designed very nicely. You have used colour and font sizes intelligently to display the things in an attractive manner. I like the honesty with which you announce your needs for the GP's and the oh-so-grand prizes for the winners. On first look, I felt that the tickets were pricy, but since you limit the no. of tickets to just 250, it's fine!
Thank you so much for the raffle!
P.S. Why is the raffle named Rest of the rest and not Best of the Rest raffle this time?
Making this as one more review for the WDC Angel Army. As I said earlier, you have a way with words that outshines other writers on spiritual topics on this site. What you write here is the Universal Truth, no less, but not many of us thought to write it down in black and white! Thank YOU for doing this for all of us. We came from God and unto Him we must all return, and to Him belongs everything we are and we do and we see/feel/experience all around us.
I am Taher, and here to review something other than the highlighted item from your port that was displayed by SHERRI GIBSON in her Simply Positive Forum - as I had already reviewed that one.
The more we try to unravel who you are, the more you spin a web of intrigue around you!
It is true that all writers here project only a certain aspect of their multifarious living experiences. However, some choose to show a bit of their special characteristics too! I loved the words "ethereal pantomime" the most from the poem.
Thank you for sharing this with us!
Taher
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Why the slang words in the first paragraph?
In the line - I must me going crazy, - replace "me" with "be".
the item.
