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483 Total Reviews Given
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I'm a serious reviewer, which is why I charge so much. I won't waste your time. I focus on consistency and content, utilizing a review template that breaks down the basic elements of; perspective, verb tense, ambiance, location, transition, plot development, and characterization.
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Breaking down the elements of your story and giving you specific items to focus on.
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Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of A Moral Dilemma  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hello Mari ~ , this third review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. This review will cover chapter one and I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, present tense with, ”Laurel Wheeler is at the kitchen,” before shifting to past tense with, Laurel had chestnut brown hair.” The tense shifts once more when the phone rings and things calm down until Arnold smiles after hearing the message.

Referencing:
         The narrator drives the story, but the author does a good job of staying within a character’s perspective and allowing us to see things as they see them. There is only one small point of confusion;
Laurel answers in her soft melodic voice; then listens to the caller’s request.
“Arnold- Ar-nold?” he hears his mother call to him

         When Laurel speaks, the narrator shifts to the son’s perspective but the reader might think the point of view is still with the mother.


Setting:
         Our author allows the plot to dictate to setting, describing for us a family struggling through tragedy without bogging down the plot. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The story flows forward without pause or breaks by the narrator, even the flashback fits; as Arnold is thinking about his father within the context of the story. The main story arc is easy to follow and understand, with a clear conclusion at the end. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         The background of Arnold and his mother makes them more real, and the reader is able to empathize with Arnold when the “dilemma” hits him. *Thumbsup*

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27
27
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hello Mari ~ , this second review is brought to you by "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item. This review will cover chapter one and I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense. Although his instincts are keen, slips the story into the present tense for a moment before righting itself.

Referencing:
         The narrator drives the story, allowing the author to weave in and out of different points of view. Each perspective break, from the hero to the villain to the heroine is clear and easy to manage; usually split by paragraph. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         We imagine a time long ago from the northern isles as the story moves onward and the author explains little background details about each race as the story progress, fleshing out the world more. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The main story arc is easy to follow and track throughout. *Thumbsup* Small breaks in the plot occur as the narrator explains the details praised in the “setting” section of this review. The story stops when we learn of the troll’s ability to shape shift, or the rigid rules of the fairy world.


Characterization:
         The beautiful Fauna is easy enough to envision with the vivid descriptions she receives, however poor Oliver and Arch-en-mee do not get the same love and attention.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         *Laugh*Arch-en-mee*Laugh* Yea, I caught the play on words. HA!

         My mind was able to carry the scene of Oliver imagining his youth from the onset of the story. The gentle reminders that he was daydreaming seemed redundant to me.

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28
28
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Dermit and welcome to WDC! Thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form- seen through the main "character's" flashback. This style holds true to form throughout the story. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         The protagonist controls the perspective and everything we see comes from its eyes. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         The world unfolds as the main character grows and morphs into something more. We see and learn as the flower does the same. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         Although a flashback type story, the author does a good job of keeping the action within the flashback flowing forward until the inevitable conclusion. *Thumbsup*

         The main story arc was easy to follow and understand. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
          The twist in the story near the end caught me off guard; I expected a stronger life form to kill off our hero.

         The "epilogue" at the end of the story confused me. I did not get the message.

The Line-By-Line

Most of these grammar errors can be ignored for effect, and the fact that the plant tells the story, not the author- so bad grammar, though sparse, is not a big deal.

I think it is inevitable once a certain plateau of intellect is achieved. Passive Voice; where certain words dilute the action by stating them in the past tense. Perhaps, it is inevitable once achieving a certain plateau

I stumbled upon something I had long since ceased hoping for. End-Of-Sentence-Preposition; no tips on this one- my muse if busted! Good luck!.

which my leaves had once threatened, which I was not.

Without a backwards glance, he strode out of the clearing.

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29
29
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello C. R. Leverette , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form and hold true throughout it. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         The narrator controls the story, allowing the author to weave through different points of view without breaking any referencing rules.


Setting:
         Wilber's actions allow us to see the room around him, giving us a realistic picture of his home through his eyes. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         Time flows forward, without pause or break for an explanation or a flashback. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Although short, the key elements of how and why Wilbur is demented come alive through the heroic boasts and villainous monologue of the protagonist and antagonist. The narrator does a good job of keeping the physical descriptions short and concise, while giving us enough detail to see the characters. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
          The story seemed too short to show us all of the history leading up to the confrontation within it. There is a lot of hidden depth that the reader does not see, a key to any great fantasy story. *Smile**Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

The only "errors" I could find were well placed sentence fragments that seemed more like author's prerogative than actual mistakes. Great job!

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30
30
Review of Ch 4-6  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.5)
         Hello Magar The Mysterious , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This chapter continues the third person, past tense form introduced in the first three chapters. The author does a great job of not deviating from this style. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         We see the world from Dave's (can I call him dave?) point of view. Except for a small paragraph explaining a new item, the author keeps this perspective throughout the chapter.

         When we learn about what a smell stamp is, the story breaks from Dave's point of view to the narrator.

         What kind of gun does Marty pull out and can Dave recognize its make or model?


Setting:
         We return to the apartment introduced in the first chapter. What is the condition of the place when Dave walks in? Is the broken table still in the living room? Does Dave still struggle with attempts to keep the place clean? Is Marty still a slob? What does Marty's room like in comparison to Dave's when he walks in on the meeting? Is there anything that stands out?


Plot:
         The story flows forward, aside from the pause explaining a smell stamp the story contains no breaks in the plot.


Characterization:
         Two new characters come into play during this chapter. A sexy Siamese and Rastafarian Persian cat *Laugh* The villain has a lot of personality, he even monologues! The new cats actions and mood gives them a bit of personality without bogging down the story. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I really like the fast paced of writing throughout the story so far. I can only suggest trying to find a way of "showing" the reader what a smell stamp is rather than pausing the story to tell them. Perhaps expanding David's reaction will help. Since this item appears to be mundane in Geltempo, perhaps a nonchalant attitude when she whips it out would help to show this.

         I'm not sure, but Siamese might need to be capitalized, just like the Persian cat at the end of the story.

The Line-By-Line

It was three nights after the bank was robbed and David- Passive Voice ~ Perhaps The nights passed since the bank robbery.

When he entered his apartment, Marty was in his room talking.

He ran to the bathroom to take a quick look at himself in the mirror. Not an error, but looking in the mirror already implies that he is checking himself out. Do you need to say that he was actually doing this, or does Marty ran to the bathroom to take a quick look in the mirror, work?

He hurriedly picked up a rag-

"Okay, but You better keep your mouth shut and speak only when your spoken too."

Anyway, one night we were-

One was on stamped on the the beast's identification card-

Marty drew a manila folder

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31
31
Review of To My Daughter  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1392575 by Not Available.

Hello wolfepack on the prowl , and welcome to WDC! Although I do not count poetry as one of my few talents, I hope you find this review useful.
~Lee
Style:
         This poem uses the first person, past tense form. The poet does not break from this style once introduced. *Thumbsup*
         

Referencing:
         The first line, coming from me could be poetic license, something hinting at a deeper meaning that I did not grasp, or a simple error. Coming usually links with toward or to, not from. *Smile* I get it- child birth *Delight* I had to open your port to catch the hint. It makes sense now. *Pthb* How embarrassing.


Plot:
         We see a mother's thoughts as she gazes upon her baby. The flashbacks and imagery do not detract from the forward flow of the poem, these random thoughts have a sense of belonging *Thumbsup*
         


Characterization:
         "The sleepless night and restless days" and the ŝ months later" hints at the period of pregnancy, a clear hint at the newborn baby and the whole point of this poem. We feel the protagonist's pride as she stares at her baby. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I like the realism of the piece, the imperfections that the more affluent poets within WDC may point out actually made the read more enjoyable. You wrote this for Arya, not for your audience. *Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

9 months later, I still can't believe it's real.

When you say mama because you're sad.

Or scream it when you're really mad.

Again, I start to cry.

Your're our life, our whole world.

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32
32
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)

"SitewideCare Review"

Hello C Eardley <3 ! The inspiration for this review comes from "Invalid Item I hope you find some comments helpful.
~Lee
Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form. The author stays with this style throughout the chapter. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         We see the world come alive through the eyes of the protagonist. Nothing is out of place as the story rolls one. *Thumbsup*

          Not that I could see much, as it was so dark. This is a small technical thing. I clearly "saw" the darkness of the place when we read. Images were slowly making themselves visible to me My mind assumed that it was dark- perhaps I thought wrong (wont be the first time!)
         


Setting:
         Spooky, vivid imagery as the story begins; I actually felt my heart rise into my throat, excellent job! *Thumbsup*

         When our protagonist wakes up, the scene comes to life as the dream fades without bogging down the story. We learn it is summer as the heat touches him, and the time by the cursing of the clock, the only thing missing is the year.


Plot:
         The story rolls on without pause or break by that pesky narrator. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         The character's ability to recognize, with a "z," Ancient Egyptian gives us some insight into his/her background.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         When I see "s" where Americans put "z," I tend to disregard any spelling errors I "think" may exist. I also ignored the sentence fragments, all of them seemed to "fit" into the story. As a person wiser than I once said, "You have to know the rules before you can break them."

The Line-By-Line

I crept back to the end of the tunnel to await whom or what was carrying that torch.

I could now hear the strange language being uttered more clearly as a figure emerged from out of the passage. Passive Voice; Perhaps, As the figure emerged from the passage, the strange uttering became clearer.

I was trapped. Passive Voice; this maybe one those, "break the rules" instances. I can't offer any suggestions to get rid of this error. May the muse be with you!

-on the recommendation of the receptionist, as I knew hardly anything about Egyptian cuisine.

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33
33
Review of Tough Times  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.0)

"SitewideCare Review"

         Hello tiger , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form. The author keeps this style once started. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         We see the world through Pat's eyes as he controls the story's perspective. There is a slight shift in point of view when we learn that Pat's father cannot take on an additional job to make ends meet as the story explains the reasons why. The explanation seems to come from his father, not Pat.

         There is another shift back to the narrator as we learn about Pat's parents secretly watching his pick-up games.

         Pat's father seems to take control of the point of view when we learn of his leg problems.

         The quickest, easiest way to get rid all of these shifting perspectives is to change the very first sentence. Introducing Pat as another character, rather than the main character, fixes all of the issues, as the narrator will have control of the story.


Setting:
         Life is bleak at home, and although we see little imagery within the story, the sorrowful mood does an excellent job of framing the story.

         Small details explain each jump in time so the reader can keep up. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The plot flows forward with pause or break for explanation or flashback. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Trial and tribulation drive the characters' development in this sad tale. The only thing missing is a visual. What do these people look like?

The Line-By-Line

Pat suddenly had the urge to cry and had to furiously blink his eyes to stop his tears. Split Infinitive ~ "to" is separated from its verb "blink" by "furiously." Perhaps, -to cry and furiously blinked his eyes-

Sarah continued to vigorously and enthusiastically send out her resume- Split Infinitive

-he would adapt well to this difficult time.

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34
34
Review of If only  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.0)

"SitewideCare Review"

Hello ! The inspiration for this review comes from "Invalid Item I hope you find some comments helpful.
~Lee
Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form. The author does not break from this style once introduced. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         We see the world the mind of the protagonist. After the flashback, the story shifts to the narrator's perspective as the result of the characters conversation is shown.


Setting:
         We begin in a bedroom, and move through the thoughts of the heroine as the story rolls along, similar to most flashbacks, scenery is sacrificed in an effort to get back to the main plot thread.


Plot:
         The story flows forward without pause or break from the narrator. I enjoyed the twist at the end as well. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         The nameless heroine's thoughts show us the depths of her grief. This emotional piece does not show us any physical details though.

The Line-By-Line

How could she sleep if he was not there?

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35
35
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"Sitewide Care Review"

         Hello WafflesandPancakes , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form. There is a shift to first person in the second paragraph as the main character is introduced before shifting away from him and taking the first person style with it.

Referencing:
         This prologue reads like an overture, yet it seems as if the focus should be on Robert. However, the first paragraph starts as an all encompassing introduction detailing the state of the world to the reader, but not from Robert's point of view. There are two options here to get rid of the perspective confusion; remove the first person inference when Robert is introduced and allow the narrator to keep the perspective, or retell the entire chapter from Robert's perspective. May the muse be with you! *Bigsmile*


Setting:
         The world is bleak and dangerous. This comes across well throughout the prologue. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The underlying story is lost to me. It might be my own fault. I could not find the central plot thread because I am not sure if it's the game the High Lords play, the role fate plays with Roger, or the homeless man at the end.


Characterization:
         This is a prologue, and detailed descriptions only bog them down. The point here is to get the reader to turn the page. *Smile* And the chapter's ending does that.

The Line-By-Line

After about a ten years of financial drought-

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36
36
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Sitewide Care Review"

Hello intuey ! The inspiration for this review comes from "Invalid Item I hope you find some comments helpful.
~Lee
Style:
         This story begins in the third person past tense form as told by the narrator. The author does not break from this style throughout the story. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         By using the narrator, the author gets away with weaving in and out of different points of view.


Setting:
         This children's tale takes place in a magical land filled with cute critters and wish granting unicorn. The scene, mixed in with the context of the story, does not bog down the plot. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         This story is lightning fast- the poor narrator has no chance to bore us with flashbacks or explanations or dramatic pauses. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Personality drives the heroine through her fall from grace and the wizard who saves the day. We do not "see" their faces well.

The Line-By-Line

No errors, other than a sentence fragment here or there used for effect (or is it affect*Confused*) *Thumbsup*

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37
37
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"Sitewide Care Review"

Hello Diane ! The inspiration for this review comes from "Invalid Item I hope you find some comments helpful.
~Lee
Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense and seen through the eyes of the main character. There is no break from this style throughout the story, except for a tiny emotional expression from Bill. *Thumbsup*
Referencing
         When Bill frowns in annoyance, Joe should not notice the annoyance if I've got the perspective right.

Setting:
         The scene unfolds through details slipped in throughout the plot and does not bog down the story. The characters' situations help the reader identify with the time of year and atmosphere (that rhymes) of the airport. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         There are no pauses, breaks, or gaps through this Christmas tale. Time flows forward from start to finish. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Joe's different emotional response to his customers' gives us a look into his mindset. He's just a regular- Joe, trying to get by and pay his bills without pissing (can I say that word in a review) off his custom. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         After hours and hours of searching (ok, it wasn't really that long, but you get the idea) I found this story and the title triggered impish thoughts within my deranged mind *Wink* Needless to say, I was drawn to it a like a [insert cliché here].

The Line-By-Line

No errors!

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38
38
Review of FANGS (original)  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         Hello Liz , and welcome to WDC. Thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


CHAPTER ONE

Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form as told by the narrator. When the story focuses on the events they day before, the point of view shifts from the narrator to Riley and we see events unfold through his eyes. There is no clear indication of a perspective shift.

         If the intent is to focus on Riley, then perhaps getting rid of the opening introduction by the narrator would get rid of the POV shift.

Setting:
         The narrator provides a brief overture describing the scene of Riley not being able to sleep, setting the mood for the chapter. The setting changes during the flashback, and there is not much detail given to the surroundings.
         


Plot:
         There is a long pause as we jump from Riley not being able to sleep to the events of yesterday. The chapter's closing brings the reader back to the present scene. This flashback would fit if Riley thinks about the day's events before they occur, maybe a brief sentence about Riley's thoughts turning the day's events or starting the story from the scene in the mirror instead of him trying to sleep and moving the sleeplessness introduction to the chapter's conclusion.


Characterization:
         Riley's introduction consists of flashbacks through his life at the orphanage.
         


Reviewer's Opinion:
         
         

The Line-By-Line

Cautiously he lifted one of his hands and touched his teeth.

Freddie was a chubby, freckle-faced, boy three times his size.

As he looked through the dime-sized hole in the wood door, his heart fell.

Like him, both her parents- Unlike him, she at least-

CHAPTER TWO

Style:
         This chapter begins with the perspective with Riley.
         

Referencing:
         What does the dining area look like at breakfast?

         What does Mrs. Wiligens look like?


Setting:
         The chapter begins with a clear passage of time. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The plot flowed forward without pause or break by that annoying narrator. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Riley's emotional state fit perfectly with the flow of the story. *Thumbsup* The adopters physical description was well done.


The Line-By-Line

All through breakfast, he could feel the other kids staring at him.

After breakfast, the taunting began.

As he walked by a group of girls, they ran away screaming

More than anything, he wanted to hide-

-a well-built, grizzly man with-

Ms. Wiligens looked as surprised as Riley felt.

-the man seemed genuineely interested in him.

Freddie's usual accomplice in all his nasty schemes.

If he took Freddie, it might not be so bad.

After a few seconds of stalling, he rolled his eyes

Mr. Thomas chuckled.

He might never get a chance like this again!

CHAPTER THREE

Style:
         The story continues from Riley's point of view and does not break from this perspective. *Thumbsup*

Setting:
         Again, the days and hours pass with a clear concise period of time that the author doesn't embellish upon. *Thumbsup*

         The excruciating detail of Riley's new home, concealed behind Riley's actions of surveying the home, gives the world around the protagonist life.*Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The plot flows forward without pause, break, or explanation. The pace really picks up when the plot twists. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         We learn more about Riley's personality in this chapter, and it fits the flow of the story. *Thumbsup*

         Mr. Thomas' villainous monologue gives us more insight into his history.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         Why do villains always monologue when they have the bad person captured? *Laugh*

The Line-By-Line

-Riley drink blood.

Natasha swept a strand-

Supposedly, he had lived in a small house-

Riley was fidgeting in his seat.

-in the middle of the cul-de-sac driveway-

Riley wondered why Mr. Thomas needed-

-filled with all the latest, and shiniest, appliances.

CHAPTER FOUR

Style:
         This chapter begins from Riley's point of view until an abrupt shift to Mr. Thomas' perspective. There is no clear break between them to prepare the reader. Perhaps ending Chapter three with Riley going to sleep would work. Beginning this chapter from Thomas' point of view is a clear break for the reader. However, chapter four only gives Thomas a paragraph, so the plan won't work without a massive rewrite (and who likes editing? I don't!) Perhaps, if Thomas brings the notes with him when he returns in the morning, then the background information could be imported from Riley's point of view.

Plot:
         There is a break in the flow as the author describes David's death and Mr. Thomas' history. The paragraph begins with him pouring over old notes before going off on a tangent.

The Line-By-Line

He was hunched over an a pile of old notebooks.

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39
39
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Sam N. Yago . I wanted to return the favor and review some of your work, again. I hope you don't mind and I hope you find some of my comments useful.

Style/Referencing
         This tale begins in the first person, past tense form as told by the author. There are no breaks from this form throughout this funny tale *Thumbsup* The author gives the story a present tense "feel" with conservative use of past tense words. *Thumbsup*

Plot:
         This story begins as a flashback, but the author hides this fact by keeping the action flowing forward without pauses or breaks. *Thumbsup*


Characters:
         *Laugh*Poor Ms. Celis, she gets a bad rap in this one *Laugh*

         HA! You're a non-conformist, like me! *Bigsmile* (I hate pop music)


Setting:
         The author describes a crowded classroom with clever wordplay, excellent job. *Thumbsup* The passage of time is crisp and fast. *Thumbsup*
         


Opinion
         I still find snails and slugs fascinating- what is wrong with that?

          I'm pretty sure I cried that day. *Pthb*

The Line-By-Line

No errors! I relaxed a bit on the sentence fragments because of the style of story. They felt as if they belonged as is.

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40
40
Review of One: Brother  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         Hello Bard , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee

PROLOGUE

Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form as told by the narrator. A brief sentence or two showing us the setting leads us into a perspective shift as we see the world through the eyes of the nameless captor instead of the narrator.
         

Referencing:
         His knees finally gave way underneath him, and he stumbled- - - fingertips digging deeper into his flesh. He fell to his knees- Does the armored figure jerk him to his feet before he falls to his knees?
         


Setting:
         We see a beautiful sunset, birds are singing, the breeze is blowing, the dark sky spanning to forever- and then WOMP, the action starts. Great scenery, I love the level of detail packed into three sentences. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The author throws us right in the thick of it with this prologue, no long drawn out introductions here.*Thumbsup*

         The prologue does a perfect job of forcing the reader to turn the page without giving away the farm. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         The nameless dreamer ~ We learn little about him, but the torment of his dreams gives us some insight into his personality, especially as the chapter closes. *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I know you mentioned our differences of opinion in the usage of passive voices. so I refrained from pointing them out (I only saw two)!

         HAHA! The evil laugh bit was awesome! I loved it.
The Line-By-Line

Once again, the wolves began to howl.


CHAPTER ONE ~ Brother

Style:
         This chapter begins in the third person past tense form as told by the narrator.
         

Setting:
         The narrator weaves details through the context of the plot instead of halting the story in order to squeeze an overview about the setting. *Thumbsup*
         


Plot:
         *Thumbsup*The author wastes no time with tying in something from the prologue for the reader to reference- the great wolves.

         After Ragnas spots the young soldier, the story pauses for three paragraphs as the narrator gives us background details about the politics of the region, rationalizing Ragnas’ next action. Once the details are out of the way, the story really picks up!

         


Characterization:
         The author provides excellent physical characteristics of the main characters. *Thumbsup*

         Ragnas Rolandt ~ We have a name for the weary dreamer from the prologue.

         Brother ~ The introduction of the younger Redcrest was excellent. Small words give him a history- “his bequeathed arms” *Thumbsup*


Reviewer's Opinion:
         Why do all villains monologue before killing the hero? *Bigsmile**Laugh*

The Line-By-Line

There are no errors in this chapter. *Thumbsup*

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Review of Chapter 1-3  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (4.0)
         Good morning, Magar The Mysterious and thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense as told by the narrator. We receive an introduction to the start of the story, vis-à-vis The Twilight Zone, before the actual story starts. The author does a good job with keeping the narrator in control throughout the story. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         When Dave gives Marty a tour of the apartment, what is the layout?


Setting:
         Geltempo City ~ The narrator describes the city well, although some of the effort proved irrelevant to the story.
         


Plot:
         The plot seems to begin at “Today was not David’s day.” Once the story gets going, it is really, really good! *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         David the cat ~ is given a detail physical description by the narrator. *Thumbsup* David also appears to have a bit of an attitude problem, standing in the doorway, arguing with a big lizard while wearing his PJ’s *Pthb*

         Marty Mask ~ Another awesome description, I chuckled at the cigar bit. I liked him as soon as he entered the apartment.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         The introduction felt long-winded. It took a long time for the plot to start.

The Line-By-Line

-an apartment building, which was set in-

~OR~

- an apartment building that was set in-

Geltempo City was divided into three sections. These sections were not divided all on land but rather vertically, from top to bottom. There was Upper-Level Geltempo, which began about seven hundred feet up and was mostly dominated by birds and other flying beast. Passive Voice ~ The use of past tense words takes away from the action describes in the sentence, in this case “divided” and “dominated.” A way to work around most passive voices is to write or rewrite the sentence in such a way as to avoid the use of passive words such as; was, should, could, have, is, were, been. For example, in my review I could say-
Geltempo City is described by the narrator. Passive Voice
The narrator describes Geltempo City Active Voice


-Upper-Level for those who were too tired to, or couldn’t fly.

Finally, about two hundred feet underground was Lower-Level Geltempo.

Most beasts did there best to stay clear of that place for it was dominated by a variety of very large insects about the size of a car.

Lower-Level Building had doors all over it.

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42
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         Hello Rimbo the Clown , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense perspective as told through journal entries by the main character. There are clear breaks during the writings when an unknown presence urges us to turn the page. Other than this, the author does not break from the chosen style.

Referencing:
         Who is writing the notations after the last letter? Is this information in Chapter One? If so, then ignore this! *Smile*

         Does Gallerand date these letters?


Setting:
         The world comes alive, bit by bit, through each entry. The battle, the people, and the era become clearer as one reads on. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The letters are intriguing, but one cannot help but feel that they are not the central theme to the story. There is an unknown presence reading to us, or showing us these letters. The reason’s why seem to be the central point of this story. If this is wrong, and the letters were the plot, then perhaps getting rid of the dialogue explaining their origins would help turn the readers’ attention to the words in the letters.


Characterization:
         This is a series of journal entries. Thusly we learn much of Gerry’s personality traits, but not his physical attributes. The problem is, no one writes about how one looks unless something affects it.

         I would have enjoyed learning more about these super soldiers.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         This story is a series of letters, and I will not run it through the grammar checker. Even the best of us break the rules when writing something as personal as a letter. But just so you know I’m not a slacker, I took the liberty of running the spell checker, and everything checks out! *Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

Rats and mice try to get into the outpost, where we keep the sick and dying, in the medicine bay.

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Review of The Interview  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         Hello October , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item and welcome to WDC! I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form as told by the narrator, similar to the Twilight Zone TV shows. There is no break from this style. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         Everything fits in the story as the narrator makes sure everything is in place. *Thumbsup*


Setting:
         The narrator gives us a descriptive scene with the opening paragraph, setting the mood of the story *Thumbsup*

         - other examples of reckless debauchery- A great use of words that allows the reader to use their own imagination to fill the scene.


Plot:
         The story does not begin until Our story begins The details prior are very descriptive, but do little to drag the reader into the story.


Characterization:
         The character details are excellent, however they detract from the plot. This imbalance may turn some readers away. Allowing the reader to learn about the Waldorf’s through the context of the plot will alleviate this problem.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         I like the opening sentence *Smile*

         *Cry*No- spaces- between- paragraphs! Eyes- strained- hard- to- see!

         Once we get down to the plot, the story flows well. I liked it, and I would love to re-review this if you’re the editing type. Personally, I hate editing *Pthb*
The Line-By-Line

Much can be said of the woman, for she exhibited a sort of bored, lazy, careless air that set her apart from others. Passive Voice ~ Although used by many authors when using this style of writing, I still have to point it out for you. There is no hint I can think of to get rid of this. The choice is yours, leave it as is, or delete the first half of the sentence. In the end, it’s writers prerogative.

With one arm held up easily against the top of the lounge and her mouth slowly opening and closing to chew her gum, she made the perfect picture of youthful arrogance and carelessness; the laziness of inherited wealth bestowed upon unworthy subjects.

This person, a man was positioned in a similarly lazy and comfortable position as the woman. Passive Voice ~ Perhaps This man, positioned in a lazy-

Seated in a smart looking chair with his feet- Sentence Fragment ~ the easy solution consists of simply combining this sentence with the previous.

Dirty clothes were strewn haphazardly all about the room. Passive Voice

Overall, the room could best be described as a sort of luxury slum, a place once very fine and beautiful thrown into complete chaos and disarray. Passive Voice

After the mandatory period of feigned grief, James had quickly married a young woman of prominent, but not wealthy family from New England.

Adriana, as the woman is known matched her new husband in not only beauty, but in unchecked extravagance and recklessness.

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Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Hello Char , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form in a flashback type story. Our protagonist begins with a brief personal introduction that leads into the flashback, vis-à-vis, “It was a dark and stormy night,” or, “So there I was, sitting in a bar.” There are no breaks from this style as we stay in the main character’s head. *Thumbsup*
         

Referencing:
          There are distinct spaces between scene shifts, but no clear passage of time. Is it the next day or next week?


Setting:
         There are small inferences made in the way of setting. We are in High School, USA. The environment plays a role only if it pertains to the plot, such as a rainy walk from school. Although lacking, too much detail would not fit the style the story, or the main character’s personality. So in a word, it fits. (okay- that was two words- sue me)


Plot:
         Although a flashback, the author pushes the story along with the efficiency of one of the bullet trains from Japan. *Blush**Bigsmile* Once we get the business of defining the style of story, the author pushes the plot forward so well that we forget about the past tense style employed. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Evan Bright ~ His self-analysis leads to a very entertaining story. His comparisons to other students give us a clear picture of where he stands- stood in the typical high-school hierarchy.


Reviewer's Opinion:
          I really enjoyed the comparisons used to describe something mundane, like the speed of life. Evan’s sarcasm matches my own, albeit I’m not a big fat jerk like him. *Bigsmile*

         This is a great story, I barely paused to actually review it as I was too engrossed in the plot. *Thumbsup*

The Line-By-Line

I let out a bark of laughter that rivaled both Tom and Duncan’s.

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45
45
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         Hello Going Away For Two Months , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the third person, past tense form from Olivia’s perspective and remains consistent throughout the chapter except for some small shifts in perspective. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         The story seems to flow from Olivia’s point of view. If that is true then there are a couple of minor things-
Her grey-blue eyes filled- Olivia cannot see her own eye color in order to “show” the reader the color of them.
- and glanced at Olivia’s entreating expression. There is a slight perspective shift from Olivia to the case worker.


Setting:
         We are in a private room within a hospital, in a distant future. These details flow out naturally through the story. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The plot flows with no breaks or flashback or interference from that pesky narrator. *Thumbsup*


Characterization:
         Olivia’s attention does not stray far from the baby, and we see the child clearly through her eyes. Images of the social worker and her husband are brief, and fit the context of the chapter. *Thumbsup*


The Line-By-Line

There are no errors in the chapter *Thumbsup*

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Review of Sky Underwater  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (3.5)
         Good morning, Lizzy , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, present tense form. The tense changes from present to past when the story weaves back and forth between what is occurring and what the character may be thinking.
In a few weeks-- How wrong she was-- takes us from present to past tense without a clear break from the preceding sentence.

Setting:
         Claddissa does not spend much time taking in the scenery. It fits with the first person style of the story, but the school and the UnderSea seem devoid of anything spectacular.

         The little excerpt from the Stiolite book helped flesh out these foreign invaders more. *Thumbsup*


Plot:
         The flow of the story seems to stop here-
In a few weeks-
         There is a long pause as the author tries to explain the reason for the daughter’s argument with her mother. These thoughts do not read as if they are coming from the character. Perhaps if the character thinks about the future as she is talking to her mother, then the pause would disappear.

How wrong she was- fast-forwards us from the argument without a clear resolution.

When my father- leaps back in time without a clear indication of why Claddissa would have those thoughts at that moment in time.

         The plot really picks up when Claddi goes after the sub.


Characterization:
         Claddissa Sky~ A clever comparison between daughter and mother to show us what the daughter looks like without breaking the first person format *Thumbsup*

         Mother ~ She is fleshed out well, through the context of the story, not through a long dissertation that stops the flow *Thumbsup*

         October, Cinnamon, Esmaline ~ their physical attributes are told as an overview, not by the character actually interacting with them and noticing their hair, outfit, etc.

Reviewer's Opinion
         The title fit well with the story. I didn't catch it until the end. *Thumbsup*

         The story fells like it belongs in a novella, not a simple short story. Claddi lives an interresting life and it would make a good story if expanded upon.

The Line-By-Line

I loved looking at her long, straight blond hair and eyes, the exact color of the sea.

I was trying to hold an argument with my mother, the only person that I was willing to do that with. End of sentence preposition- This can easily be fixed by simply putting a comma after the word and combining the next sentence into it.

In a few weeks, we were moving-

Or At least that’s what she said.

I had not had any other friends since we had last moved, at the end of fifth grade, and now I had to start all over from scratch.
~OR~

I had not had any other friends since we had last moved, at the end of fifth grade. Now I had to start all over from scratch.

I should have been captured instead of her. I resolved I would never go in the water again. And for, well, two weeks I did not. Passive Voice- although this is a grammar error, I cannot think of a suggestion to fix it. The sentence “reads” fine the way it is.

Finally, she stopped and I examined her hair.


There were, however, no hatches leading from the room, except for the way I had come.

The book was handwritten- nothing to be done about it (passive voice

“There are places I can’t go, just like you.”


I got to a hatch and tried to open it, but it was locked.

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Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         Hello Mithandriel Uninspired and welcome to WDC*Exclaim* Thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story starts in the first person, present tense form. The point of view stays consistent throughout the story. However, the author weaves in and out from the present to past tense. Cleaning up the “flashback” scenes detailed later will help with this.

Referencing:
         There are no referencing issues. Everything seems to be in place.


Setting:
         We are in high school, and because wrestling occurs after football, it must be fall. There is not much detail to the world around Matt. In defense, schools are rather dull. Is there anything interesting about the school to immerse the reader in Matt’s world more, perhaps embellish on the intense rivalry between high schools?


Plot:
         The story really picks up when Matt begins his match. The suspense builds with his fear. *Thumbsup*

         Each time we shift from present to past tense, the action seems to pause until we return to the present tense.

It’s been two weeks since…
         This pause begins with Matt’s hunger and ends with the bell ringing. You stipulate that Matt daydreamed the flashback but the reader does not recognize that fact until the daydream is over. A sentence about his mind wandering back two weeks ago gets rid of the pause in the action.

He’s one of my best…he kept pestering…they needed someone…the kid moved away
         An old mentor of mine taught me a trick I have displayed in red below. By hiding past actions in sentences that start in the present tense, you can give the reader background information without breaking the flow of the plot.
         I see Sean, one of my best friends, coming down the hallway with a big grin on his face that I would like to knock off for constantly badgering me to wrestle in some kid’s place. (This sentence puts many of your past tense details in the present and it gives the reader a huge amount of information in just a few words.)

Tuesday was our first…
         This one is a bit harder to fix. The first idea that comes to mind is for Matt to daydream back to last Tuesday, thusly getting rid of the story pause because he is actually thinking about the match. Another idea is for Matt and Sean to converse about the match, also keeping the details in the present.


Characterization:
         Matt ~ His personality stands out strongly in this piece. *Thumbsup* So strongly, in fact, that the comment about his parents raising him that way seems like overkill. You did a great job with Matt, you do not need to give the reader a reason why he is the way he is. You did an excellent job expressing the fear and unease of our hero, and his subsequent elation. *Thumbsup*

         Matt’s wrestling teammates. ~ Their athleticism is the only thing differentiating one from the other. You name the entire team, and although they play minor roles in the plot, we still need to “see” them, as you have opened the door with their introduction.

         Matt’s fans ~ His parents and girlfriends inspire feelings within our hero that are central to his triumph. What does they look like?


Reviewer's Opinion:
         You do a great job of showing the reader who is talking. I bet if you reread the conversation pieces you wrote; you could delete many “he said, I said” endings.

The Line-By-Line

Not bad for a beginner except the kid I was wrestling was even more clueless than I…(Colloquialism ~ when something we say in conversation makes no sense on paper.. Clueless is the lowest form you can achieve of not possessing a clue, technically, you cannot be more than clueless.)

The bell rings, signaling the end of the period, rousing me from my daydreaming.

The team score was all tied going…(Passive Voice)

Being from the same town, our two schools enjoy a natural rivalry, which Yorkville typically gets the better of.

My mind is focused on everything except wrestling. The matches are wrestled in weight order with the lowest weight being first and the highest weight last. (Passive Voice)

With a little luck, by the time I wrestle, the meet will already be won.

My hopes are completely dashed as the…(PV)

I see Carlo standing by Coach Penbrook waiting for his name to be called.

I can see that he knows what needs to be done.

Angelo must have practiced the move on Sean and me five hundred times.

The move was executed perfectly

Not only do I have to win but I also have to pin my opponent,

Of all nights, why did they have to pick this match?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the referee on the mat, his arm raised.

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Review of Tomorrow's World  
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         Hello BlackberryJam , thank you for stopping by "Invalid Item. I hope you find some of my comments useful.
~Lee


Style:
         This story begins in the first person, past tense form. There are no breaks from this style until the end. The shift from first the third person occurs with the closing of a journal, a clear indication by the author. *Thumbsup*

Referencing:
         There is an inference in the first few sentences that seems to imply a journal entry. It throws the reader slightly, as we have to think about what the “last account” is.


Setting:
         Aside from the year, we do not receive much in the way of setting. The fear of death is natural. However, does this fear permeate into something more in the future, leading humanity along the path to discovery?
         


Plot:
         The plot doe not “feel” like it starts until ”The year 2210 was when-“ There are two ways to put the plot back at the beginning of the story- Make this sentence one of the first, or delete everything before it and place those details within the story after it. A sentence from each of the previous six paragraphs would sum up the journey and failures leading up to the discovery without the beginning feeling like a long flashback. Try it and you will see *Smile*. Read your entire story, then hit delete after selecting the first six paragraphs and reread it. Does it “feel” different, faster? I bet the creative juices will start flowing in an instant and you can squeeze those deleted words into the story.


Characterization:
         The writer’s words during his moments of self-reflection and doubt were great avenues for us to get know her.


Reviewer's Opinion:
         My confusion from the beginning maybe from the fact that I do not know the contest prompt. There is an underlying plague that all of us new writer's suffer from with contests. We sometimes write to appease the rules of the contest, by allowing the assumption that the reader (re: the judges) already know the backdrop of the story we sacrifice certain things. Ask yourself, "Can this story stand on its own without knowledge of the prompt?" If the answer is no, then adding a sentence or a paragraph is in order to expand on what is missing.

         The shift from first to third person was clear and broke no rules, but I would like to know what she thought before drinking the liquid from her point of view. It might give the ending an even harder punch.

         It looks like you have an idea for a good sci-fi drama. You should expand it to a book *Smile*

The Line-By-Line
         I emailed you my suggestions instead of posting it in the review. Good luck with the contest!
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49
Review by Joshiahis
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello James and welcome to Writing.com*Exclaim*. I saw your post in "Please Review. I hope you find some of my comments useful.

Extra notes
         I inserted my comments as I read the story, so the passages about flashbacks and leaping in and out of the present seemed out of place when I finally realized that the story is a long flashback. I left the comments in anyway, perhaps the fact that I missed the start of the flashback is relevant as well.

*Star*Style/Reference
         This story begins in the first person. The story unfolds in the past tense. There are minor jumps into the third person here and there that can be corrected with small word changes.

         What kind of village does the commander see as the sunlight fades? What kind of people does he kill as the "last warming rays" dissipate? What kind of wooden doll does the hero see, simple make, local carving, expensive?

         The memories the commander seems (to me) to occur out of place. The memories of slight breeze as leaves rustle in the background, is an example. In a first person story, should not the memory come after the character hears the leaves? The memory of Keiko fits the style, as it appears after the visual of a dirt covered doll is shown.

*Star*Plot
         The plot seems to leap in and out of the present and past. Out of place flashbacks from the character interrupt the pace of the story. Perhaps if an event triggers a memory from the past the flashbacks would work better.

         The introduction of the Doku and what it entails is what started to drag me into the story- the element of the supernatural was a great device.


*Star*Characters
         Commander ~ I really start to warm to the character after we learn about Keiko. I thought the timing for that bit of history was well placed*Thumbsup*


*Star*Setting
         Not much beyond the usual. We are in a village at night. Perhaps small differences between this village and the land where our hero hails would help draw us into the world more.


*Star*Reviewer's Opinion
         "The poison of revenge…" This is one of the best paragraphs in the chapter, in my opinion. It’s strong, and shows us much about the clan and its history in such few words.

         Ok, ok. I see what's going on. This whole chapter was a flashback! I didn't catch it until the last paragraph. That puts a whole new perspective on things. Then, and this is only my opinion, there needs to be an event in the beginning to trigger the flashback, something to warn the reader that this is a memory as he sees them.

         No- spaces- between- paragraphs- eyes- hurt- cannot- see*Exclaim*

         All in all, I enjoyed the story, warts and all! I like the concept of a war hero striving to end war. The hero begins with a fundamental flaw that humanizes him.

*Star*The Line-By-Line

"...all had been slain and left to rot in a sea of blood and fire. This phrase is passive. If you remove the “had been” the sentence will still work without the feeling of a flashback pausing the story)
"...I am one of the five…this paragraph feels like a flashback, pausing the story, allowing the commander to tell us about his role rather then letting the story show us. How about a junior officer reporting the progress of some preparations, or our commander reading over his order, or the hero writing these words in a diary?
As the sunlight faded… (This paragraph starts off in the third person. First person is hard because in order for it to work, you have to stay in the character’s head. The commander’s thought process should take us to the sunlight over the mountain while he/she looked over the village, instead of the story telling us the sunlight faded while he/she looked over the village, perhaps. As I looked out to the village, the sunlight-
…ground beside me, I saw…
…In doing so, I dropped…
…As he swung, his blade…
…a Ketsueki general. Finally, I…
…he struck me my…
…but stopped, noticing the…
…From then on, I knew…

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Review by Joshiahis
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Exclaim*Thank you for this writeup. There is a load of good information presented in a way that even I can understand.

It seems that I'll never stop learning about this writing business *Smile* I will certainly reference this page for review in the future!
~Lee
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