Hello James and welcome to Writing.com. I saw your post in "Please Review" . I hope you find some of my comments useful.
Extra notes
I inserted my comments as I read the story, so the passages about flashbacks and leaping in and out of the present seemed out of place when I finally realized that the story is a long flashback. I left the comments in anyway, perhaps the fact that I missed the start of the flashback is relevant as well.
Style/Reference
This story begins in the first person. The story unfolds in the past tense. There are minor jumps into the third person here and there that can be corrected with small word changes.
What kind of village does the commander see as the sunlight fades? What kind of people does he kill as the "last warming rays" dissipate? What kind of wooden doll does the hero see, simple make, local carving, expensive?
The memories the commander seems (to me) to occur out of place. The memories of slight breeze as leaves rustle in the background, is an example. In a first person story, should not the memory come after the character hears the leaves? The memory of Keiko fits the style, as it appears after the visual of a dirt covered doll is shown.
Plot
The plot seems to leap in and out of the present and past. Out of place flashbacks from the character interrupt the pace of the story. Perhaps if an event triggers a memory from the past the flashbacks would work better.
The introduction of the Doku and what it entails is what started to drag me into the story- the element of the supernatural was a great device.
Characters
Commander ~ I really start to warm to the character after we learn about Keiko. I thought the timing for that bit of history was well placed
Setting
Not much beyond the usual. We are in a village at night. Perhaps small differences between this village and the land where our hero hails would help draw us into the world more.
Reviewer's Opinion
"The poison of revenge…" This is one of the best paragraphs in the chapter, in my opinion. It’s strong, and shows us much about the clan and its history in such few words.
Ok, ok. I see what's going on. This whole chapter was a flashback! I didn't catch it until the last paragraph. That puts a whole new perspective on things. Then, and this is only my opinion, there needs to be an event in the beginning to trigger the flashback, something to warn the reader that this is a memory as he sees them.
No- spaces- between- paragraphs- eyes- hurt- cannot- see
All in all, I enjoyed the story, warts and all! I like the concept of a war hero striving to end war. The hero begins with a fundamental flaw that humanizes him.
The Line-By-Line
"...all had been slain and left to rot in a sea of blood and fire. This phrase is passive. If you remove the “had been” the sentence will still work without the feeling of a flashback pausing the story)
"...I am one of the five…this paragraph feels like a flashback, pausing the story, allowing the commander to tell us about his role rather then letting the story show us. How about a junior officer reporting the progress of some preparations, or our commander reading over his order, or the hero writing these words in a diary?
As the sunlight faded… (This paragraph starts off in the third person. First person is hard because in order for it to work, you have to stay in the character’s head. The commander’s thought process should take us to the sunlight over the mountain while he/she looked over the village, instead of the story telling us the sunlight faded while he/she looked over the village, perhaps. As I looked out to the village, the sunlight-
…ground beside me, I saw…
…In doing so, I dropped…
…As he swung, his blade…
…a Ketsueki general. Finally, I…
…he struck me my…
…but stopped, noticing the…
…From then on, I knew…
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