Hello Wiz   . I saw your post in "Please Review"  . I hope you find some of my comments useful.
 Style/Reference
This story begins in the third person, past tense form. The narrator provides the “voice” for this tale, it feels like watching something on Court T.V. 
Plot
Bonzo’s love for children gets him in trouble-
The story flows well, there are no breaks or pauses for flashbacks or narrator explanations 
Characters
Larry Henderski ~ aka Bonzo the Clown. He has a love for children. Other than that, it’s hard to learn anything else about his personality.
Billy Turner ~ aka the plantiff (BOOO! HISS!) It’s hard to “see” Little Billy. The style of the story, the overview by a narrator, makes it difficult for the reader to “get to know” a character.
Setting
The narrator takes little time to give us a setting. We are obviously in court, but where?
Reviewer's Opinion
No- spaces- between- paragraphs. Eyes- hurt- can’t- see
The word Bonzo appears a lot. Perhaps giving us a physical description or a personality trait instead would help reduce the count.
The Line-By-Line
Larry Henderski lived a happy and luxurious life. He owned mansions in several exotic locations, each containing everything and anything a man could ever wish to own. The most comfortable furniture, top of the line electronics, swimming pools, personal spas, body building equipment, and libraries full of noted first edition novels were all at his fingertips. However, Larry did not attain his status through the simple means of inheritance or a measly desk job. No, Larry Henderski was Bonzo the clown, star of Bonzo’s Super Funday Show, owner of the cherished theme park, Bonzoburgh.
One day, all of Bonzo’s wealth was threatened (passive voice, shows no action) by a terrible menace. This was the day of “Bonzo’s Thrills for the Terminally Ill Charity Extravaganza”. Bonzoburgh housed a special event for terminally ill children and their families, where the family could enjoy a fun-filled day of Bonzoburgh excitement and adventure free of charge. At the end of the day, kids could visit with their idol, Bonzo the clown, at a special ice cream party.
Billy Turner happened to be one of the youths in attendance at the hospitable event. At the closing of the Bonzo Meet N’ Greet, Billy took a picture with Bonzo. Billy Turner was even lucky enough to win the Bonzo Behind the Scenes Big Shot Raffle, where one fortunate child could visit the humble abode of Bonzo the clown, with Bonzo the clown as his or her personal guide. Meanwhile, the runner up received a lifetime supply of Bonzo’s Beef Bits, a meaty treat all the craze among Bonzonites.
It was only when Bonzo was preparing to go to bed, after a long closing ceremony including Bonzo’s Bright Busting Fireworks Display that Bonzo learned of the lawsuit that was being forged (passive) against him. He received a call from his attorney notifying him of an assault and battery charge, but in a state of emotional shock, could not comprehend any additional information.
The next day, Bonzo woke after an uncomfortable sleep to find none other than little Billy Turner on the national news station. His face was red and ridden with tears as he described the alleged beating he had received at the hands of Bonzo.
“-and he pushed me and said if I told anyone about this, h-he would dishonorably discharge me from the Bonzonites fan club,” Billy cried to a reporter.
The trial date was set for Monday, January 11, 1970.
Bonzo prepared for court, dressing in his best clown costume. However, today he painted frowning red lips on his usually jovial visage, and placed a single blue teardrop on his left cheek. Bonzo was heartbroken, he never expected the children he had come to love, and had dedicated his life to, would ever ravage him with hurt in the way Billy Turner now had. As his chauffer drove to the court building in the Bonzomobile, Bonzo sat in the back, sadly gazing at several news clippings with demoralizing titles such as: “Bonzo Bashes Kid,” “Bonzo Beats Billy Turner,” “Bonzo Bruises Terminally Ill Turner,” and “Bonzo Bludgeons Cancer Patient.”
As Bonzo stepped from his Bonzomobile onto the sidewalk before the court building, he was greeted (PV) by a mob of angry protestors. They yelled out hurtful words, cursing all things Bonzonized, tearing their Bonzonite membership cards into tiny pieces, and throwing them before Bonzo like a rainfall of condescending confetti. And that was not the least of Bonzo-bashing done that day.
Bonzo managed to find his way into the courthouse, physically unharmed but in a state of emotional wreckage. He felt as though he had not been driven to the courthouse in the Bonzomobile, but as though he had been hit by it and stuck in the front grate, dragged and broken against the street. He took a seat before the judge, and pulled a long band of seemingly unending handkerchiefs from his sleeve, and proceeded to blow his nose in an unbelievably loud manner in an attempt to mask his grief.
As the judge called for order in the court, Billy Turner’s attorney, Cain Ironhart, took the floor and began his opening statement.
“Larry Henderski, also known as Bonzo the clown, happy-go-lucky role model, or sinister sadist? This is the choice you are faced with today: Should we take this as a singular incident, and trust this man with the youth of our nation? Or should we prevent him from hurting our children, and our children’s children, and put a stop to this callous clown?” Mr. Ironhart questioned as he gave a disgusted glance toward Bonzo.
Next, it was time for Bonzo’s lawyer, John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmitt, to plead his client’s case to the jurors.
“We’re all familiar with Bonzo’s Super Funday Show. As a matter of fact, many of us in this room grew up with this show when we were kids. Bonzo has been in business for nearly thirty years, now. Yet this is the first time that Bonzo has been accused of such an incredulous act as this. If Bonzo did not have the ability to get along with children, we must ask ourselves: First, would he surround himself with children on a daily basis? And second, why, after nearly thirty years of child entertainment, is this the first case of such an incident arising in Bonzo’s life? Mr. Ironhart calls him a callous clown, I call him a benevolent human being with the gift of a good sense of humor and a heart of gold,” J.J. Schmitt said with a gleam in his eye. (we know its JJJS from the previous paragraph. Would it be better to stick the “gleam in his eye” part there?)
In a short time, Mr. Ironhart began to display his evidence against Bonzo the clown. He showed pictures of Billy Turner’s bruises, which he claimed to have been caused by the gloved hands of a cold-hearted clown.
“If you look here,” Mr. Ironhart noted, tracing an outline of bruises with his pen, “You will see the distinct form of two handprints on Billy’s chest. These did not appear until after Billy’s stay at Bonzo Manor. With this in mind, I ask, how could these bruises be formed by any other than the malicious Larry Henderski?”
J.J. Schmitt declined comment.
The judge called for recess until the following day, giving both sides time to think of their plan of action.
Bonzo and J.J. Schmitt left the courtroom in a hurry, descending the stairs heading toward the Bonzomobile. The mobs were still clamoring around them as the Bonzomobile pulled away, their jeering cries penetrating through to Bonzo’s heart.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Bonzo,” J.J. Schmitt said when they were safely stowed away in the study of Bonzo Manor, “Maybe it’s time we cut our losses and give in, there’s just too much evidence against you. I bet I could get you a fair deal, Bonzo.”
Bonzo hunched over his desk and began to weep. It was all over, there was no way anyone would ever believe him. His make-up began to streak as silent clown tears dripped down his cheeks. This feeling was more painful than the crushing sensation of the heaviest anvil on his head, and Bonzo had many anvils dropped on his head.
J.J. Schmitt patted Bonzo’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, and as he did so he noticed the poster hung up behind him. His eyes skimmed to an image of Bonzo and Billy Turner. Both wore smiling faces, Bonzo in his most colorful and cheery clown suit, and Billy Turner with a T-Shirt stating: I blew chunks on Bonzo’s Blitzkrieg Rollercoaster! That is when J.J. Schmitt knew how to save Bonzo from his foreboding fate.
The next morning, Bonzo was once again exiting the Bonzomobile, running through a hoard of frenzied former Bonzonites, and taking his seat before the judge. Mr. Ironhart announced poor Billy Turner was far too tired and distraught from both his illness and his recent beating to go on stand.
J.J. Schmitt’s first motion was to once again show the image of Billy’s bruising, which surprised the jury. This, they believed, was the strongest evidence against Bonzo.
“This, in the event the jury has forgotten, is a photograph of the chest of Billy Turner. As Mr. Ironhart formerly noted, there are distinct hand prints, however, these handprints were not put there by Bonzo the clown.”
J.J. Schmitt then displayed the photograph of Bonzo with Billy Turner after the Bonzo Meet N’ Greet.
“If you look at Billy Turner’s shirt, you can clearly see the lettering which reads: I blew chunks on Bonzo’s Blitzkrieg Rollercoaster!”
Mr. Ironhart objected and asked if the evidence was at all relative. Bonzo noticed drops of sweat upon the man’s brow and became excited; perhaps J.J. Schmitt really had come up with evidence that could defend him.
J.J. Schmitt went on to describe how the alleged beating took place on the day of “Bonzo’s Thrills for the Terminally Ill Charity Extravaganza”. Billy Turner was present because he was a sufferer of leukemia, which, J.J. Schmitt stressed, resulted in easily busted blood vessels, or bruising. The boy had also taken a ride on Bonzo’s Blitzkrieg Rollercoaster. This was one of the most popular rides in Bonzoburgh because the rider could sit in a seat which was modeled to look like Bonzo the clown, and its’ safety restraints were in the shape of Bonzo’s arms and hands.
J.J. Schmitt held up an image of the rollercoaster seat, which backed up his description of the ride.
“That is how Billy Turner got the bruises, not by the hands of this gentle, kind clown, but by riding a rollercoaster which had clearly defined and posted health risk warnings,” J.J. Schmitt concluded, beaming at the bemused but blissful Bonzo.
The courtroom erupted in a massive chasm of excited murmurings. It took some time for the judge to regain order. This evidence was highly appealing. In the end, when the jury concluded deliberations, the foreman was asked to speak, his voice ringing throughout the room.
“Not guilty,” he said.
Bonzo leapt into the air in excitement, meeting J.J. Schmitt with a warm and thankful embrace.
“We did it, Bonzo! We did it,” J.J. exclaimed.
And there was a grand exit from the courthouse. Bonzo had procured a unicycle and a number of inflamed bowling pins from some unknown location, and left the building juggling and rolling over the pavement. He traveled down to the Bonzomobile through a tunnel of cheering Bonzonites. Bonzo was beaming; he was back in his niche, ready to entertain the masses.
Bonzo’s popularity returned with newfound fervor. He dominated children’s television programming with Bonzo’s Super Funday Show, met success with Bonzoburgh, and even triumphed in the courts. Bonzo’s Bonzonized holdings led him to become the owner of a massive monopoly over the entertainment industry, not to mention moneymaking endeavors in various other market fields. The clown seemed unstoppable, unshakeable, victorious, and immortal. In the end, Bonzomania swept over the world anew, and Bonzo the clown was once again a universal idol
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I realized that I knew this Vulcan. Not the fiery destroyers from Star Trek, no this was the god who saved humanity a long ago by sacrificing his immortality- not to mention the fact that all us guys look like gods now! (WOOT!)
WHOA
) The plot flowed well with only a minor flashback that explained Cassie's previous relationship.
)
The formality of my writing is something I've never thought about. Looks like more editing work