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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/duhhfactor
Review Requests: ON
159 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a no nonsense reviewer. I give my honest opinion. I look for flow, plot holes, and other various creative issues. I am taking creative writing classes right now, so my style will change as I go through these classes.
I'm good at...
Looking at details, descriptions, flow, plot, and overall opinion.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Erotica, and paranormal, I am also open to others that are not on my least favorite genre list.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, poetry, children's pieces, horror
I will not review...
romance, poetry, children's pieces, or horror.
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there Octavius I looked at what you wanted me to review and will add some of my thoughts to this review as well.
Firstly, I thought this was a very easy chapter to read. everything seemed to flow rather easily. Secondly no, I didn't think your chapter was too long. I mean, you know my writing style, my chapters are way longer than yours. So I think this chapter was the length that it needed to be to get this part of the story across to your readers and as long as it's an enjoyable read than nobody's really going to care, ya know? They have more chapters to read anyway.
Now, to my suggestions for improvements but don't worry there aren't that many for this chapter.
I think you should invest a little more time into showing Drake's interest in Jasmine. Show that he likes her also for her wit or intelligence or some aspect of her personality. In this case, you just pointed out his flirtatious side by complimenting her on her looks. You could say a little more at dinner and perhaps when they are at the library before the attack, after she explains the painting, something like "You know, your very intelligent for a princess as well, most of the ones I know are just stuck up, your intelligence is a very attractive quality in a woman.", and then you can make another flirtatious comment about her looks or something similar. I personally believe that this will get your reader a little more invested in her as a character and when she hurts herself trying to save Drake it will be more impactful. (kinda like when they impacted the ground lol) I think this will show a more personal investment to the duo.
The only other suggestion I can offer is that I think you need to describe the palace a little bit more. After not having read chapter 4 in a while I got a little confused as to whether the palace was up in the trees, made of stone on the ground, or even had a stone building in the trees. If it's all made up of wood then show the fancy decor a little more and get aggressive with the fanciness of the palace.
All in all great chapter I loved it and am looking forward to seeing more as always.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius How goes it? I'm back to review another one of your great chapters. once again the dialog is pretty good.

I thought the beginning was a bit confusing, did they get off the eagle? She grabbed the eagle feathers after they got off. The story here kind of makes it seem like they're still on the eagle. Maybe it's just me but I think if you say that the eagle was unsaddled and it left would be all we'd need. Otherwise the rest is good. I'm writing this as I read it, now I see that they're still on the eagle, okay.

I did think it was funny when he told Ura to stop doing that, nice touch with the humor, I think you need to add more of it. It's delightful to laugh during such a tense time.

I have an anxiety disorder and it affects when I'm watching T.V. shows and reading tense situations in books. Sometimes I have to get up and walk around to calm down. The eagle fight did just that. It is tense enough to affect your audience in that way, albeit, maybe not as much as me but still. Excellent writing here my friend.


"flapping its wings following the largest eagle." This should say their wings, its plural because you're talking about more than one eagle.

Yes this chapter made me tense but all in all I loved it. It really had an effect on me as I said, if your reader has an investment in your characters then they will be on the edge of their seats when they read this part, especially when Kevin jumps of his eagle. Another question though does the eagle that Marie os on keep her safe because she was with Ura? That was one of my thoughts reading the jump scene. I did like the way you had him talk his eagle into letting him ride her.

Yep, you put me on the edge of my seat and that's the mark of a good writer. Until your next chapter.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Running Scared  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Screamie🎃Jeannie You reviewed me so I thought I would return the favor and I'm glad that I did. Your concept here is a cool one. Pretty much, I liked the whole story. The only thing I thought was that the ending was somewhat anti-climactic. I especially like the fact that they didn't see the full sign so they ended up at that cave. I was wondering have you ever experienced a haunting before, because as an amateur paranormal investigator several years ago, you hit the nail on the head about what she did to the girls. I really enjoyed this piece and even though it was for a contest you should keep writing like this, you're good at it. well, thank you for letting me into at least one of your worlds.
4
4
Review of Karma  
for entry "Chapter 3
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey there Octavius how goes it? well, I'm back for another review. I like this story, so I'm keeping up with it.

The first part of this is well written and easy to understand. Your dialog is smooth and readable. I did notice quite a few errors in spelling, word placement or tenses at times. It feels like you wrote this pretty quick, but a quick edit will fix all of the little stuff. but that's really the only thing I notice, your dialog has come a long way since Chapter 1 of the Verse of Estoria.

"Located on Planet Yamnon, an earth-like planet in the Nonalus planet system, the pub is situated between a beach where one could see the green ocean and the forest where towering blue leafed trees with living antenna’s giving off an a natural relaxing aroma." I think this sentence could be broken down into two separate sentences. I had to read it twice to get it all.

“Not bad, she replies though this place is in dire need of some… her deep red eyes glance at the disruptive bunch.

“Quality control." I think you could have her say this: "though this place is in dire need of some…" And then say the rest and put the words "Quality control" in the same paragraph. I think it would sound and look a lot smoother.

"But the pay is too good to pass up and it’s a perfect opportunity to show her sister that she just as worthy of her father’s legacy just as she is." Here, saying Just as she is, is a bit redundant. It also doesn't sound right to me.

this sentence doesn't work very well because you already said she finished it in the first sentence of the paragraph previous.

The rest of this is really good and again easy to understand. I really like the shielding here, I think that's a relatively original idea, bouncing the lasers off the shields, that was way cool! Good job!

Well, that's it for this one. I think you did a good job with this. I get the feeling that this is only your first draft, so far it is really good I like it, keep up the good work and as always, thank you for inviting me into your world.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
for entry "Drake is captured
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius hows it going, let's jump right in, shall we?

I love the opening paragraph, you set the scene very nicely, well-done man!

This sentence here is somewhat of a repeat of the description from a couple of lines back that already said she was writing with a feather, also I think the proper term for that would be a quill. anyway here is the sentence I found it in, this whole sentence could probably be removed and the meaning of the paragraph would remain the same. "The woman says as she writes in her note pad with a large feather."

Your first part has some minor oopsie's but nothing that a quick edit wouldn't fix. Your opening scene was presented quite well and was very clear.

Part two, wait, where did the guards come from that are following him up the cliff face? That is all I am questioning in this part. All is well for this part, good job, I like it.

Oh, will he discover his true nature out of pure necessity?! we'll have to just wait and find out! lol

"Kevin scratches his head gazing at the map while Maria happily walks near him with loving thoughts in her head. She reaches and grab Kevin’s arm as she walks beside him causing Kevin to blush. Ura walks ahead as she takes large steps in the ground humming to herself a tune." Okay, I see this part of the paragraph going one of two ways, the first is to leave it as it is and allow it to tell the story, or, (The way I would go,) I would throw in some inner thoughts here and show how they are feeling instead of telling how their feeling. The thing is that feelings can be complicated and you could very easily show that here adding even more depth to your characters as you get to see what loving thoughts Maria is thinking that make Kevin blush, how does she look at him that makes him blush, did she wink all flirty at him with a huge smile on her face? If so, show us. what was Kevin thinking that made him blush?

That last part was cool, but I thought they were heading up a mountain so when they got pushed off the cliff I thought they were headed back the way they came, after all the river would flow down, not up. So I'm going to try to read that again to see what I can see. Yeah, I can see that the river only flows one way, that's down to the ocean. how do they get the rest of the way UP the mountain if the river is flowing down?

All in all, I can only give this chapter a four-star rating because of the confusing things that I found in it. maybe I'm not seeing everything clearly enough but most of this is well thought out and easy to read. The dialog is good and the scenes you set were spectacular, especially the beginning scene where you come across Drake in his newfound home. I'm glad you wrote this and am looking forward to more of it. Your overall goal in this chapter to move your characters forward in the plotline is very well done and I can see the events clearly, good work, and as always thank you for inviting me into your world.

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
for entry "Chapter 8
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Okay Octavius I'm back to review this, I said I would review it a while ago and I just really have had my mind preoccupied with all this...Stuff going on around us. Anyway, here we go.

Again your dialog is wonderful and flows nicely.

Let's take a look at this paragraph; "Debra, ignoring the weapons, headed towards the laptop on the desk. The screensaver flashed pictures of the company logo as she bent over and pressed the space bar on the keyboard to enter the desktop screen. The desktop screen had a file that read, “Click here”. When she opened the file, a program opened a list of names and pictures appearing together." You said she went to the laptop on the desk, but then you called it a desktop, as a writer I noticed it, but as a reader they may not, I was just wondering which one it is.

"Richard took a few steps into Charleen’s line of sight and she immediately flung a rock in his direction. The pebble made a loud pop noise as it broke the sound barrier and zips through the air. Being able to see ahead, Richard knelt as the pebble whizzes past him." It appears here that you have two separate tenses, Richard took, and flung which are both past tense and then Zips and whizzes which are both present tense, just thought I'd point that out for you.

I like the fight scene, I thought it should be a little faster paced but after reading it again to see where you could cut edges, I saw nothing that really stood out to me so maybe that was all just me, I don't know.

I found the dialog at the end of the chapter, (the second part), smooth and the flow was good. The only thing was that I found the end kind of anti-climactic. Now I'm not trying to be cynical here but I have always know any kind of Dracula story to have a very dramatic Dracula and I would think he would be a bit more upset that his daughter died. I think a bit of dramatic flair here would be a good thing. I know you're more than capable of handling that, I've read your other stuff, LOL. I also thought that the burning of the snake into her palm was a really good idea, well thought out, but didn't the book open up with one of the daughters being killed by Richard? so shouldn't there be a second mark on her? Also, does this happen to every one of his daughters, I think that might enrage the sisters knowing that another one of them had died, probably due to Richard.

So all said and done, I think you did really well here. Your form is consistent with the storyline so far and your style of writing through this piece has been steady. I look forward to reading more, and as always, thank you for inviting me into your world.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Octavius How goes it. It's been a while since I have reviewed anything so this could be kind of rusty, I'm sure I'll get back into it quickly. Okay, let's get this ball rolling.

Okay, your prologue was good, it was action-packed and was well thought out. I did notice that you wrote this very quickly. A quick edit and you have yourself a really good opening to this book. The edits are just the norm, the wrong tense here or there, just normal stuff, no big deal. What I liked most about your prologue was the pace of it. It was a fast scene and it read like one. You didn't pause for thoughts or explain things in too much detail. This kept it moving at a fast pace for the reader, good job!

I'm not so sure you need part 1 of chapter 1. you could just talk about the shortage of fish. You can also explain, or have your characters talk about the shortage of food with Ura then you could completely cut it out. but that's just a thought. And if you do want to keep it in I don't think you need the separation between what Kevin was doing and what Maria is doing.

The next part is good, you did very well with the rescue and the fainting part, I like that, it would be realistic for her to do that. By the way, just curious but is a rack the same thing as a bed or chair? I have never heard that term before if it is then I just learned something new. LOL

I like the last part and the dialog seems to go pretty smoothly here. It is a bit of an info dump but you did it in a way that a writer could tell but not necessarily a reader would notice it. It was done right in my opinion.

The only thing in chapter one that I was wondering about is, why would Kevin want to go and rescue Drake when at the end of the last book he hated Drake for what his grandmother had done. How did he get over his anger? What made him change his mind?

Okay, that's my assessment of chapter 1. It looks like you're off to a running start here. good work on a lot of the things in this chapter. I've been watching you grow as a writer since I first met you and I am proud of you.


castle sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
for entry "Chapter 7
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Okay Octavius Let's get this show back on the road. First things first, I like how you talk in old English when having the elder talk. At first, I didn't understand why you did this, it's been so long since I had read chapter 6, I think what would be good here is to start off the chapter with a reason why your flashback is important here. If your reader has to put down your book in chapter 6 for whatever reason, work gets in the way, or they are moving or whatever the reason. They may not remember where you were at the end of chapter 6. So something small at this point at least, (I think) might be good to have some kind of reference as to why this part comes up. Now to the meat of it, let's go on my suggestions to you.

The first part is good, I see nothing here but good writing.

You mention a "small prick" in his hand, as a diabetic, I am always testing my blood sugar and a small prick is what I feel every day, twice a day. I can usually quell the bleeding with just sucking on my finger. Can I suggest you saying something to the effect of 'and no matter how much pressure he put on the wound, it just wouldn't stop bleeding.' This could also signify the supernatural effect of what is about to happen.
"A wave of relief overtook him when he hears his father calling out for him in the distance. He slowed to a fast walk panting in relief," You seem to have mixed up your tenses here, one is present tense then you move back to the past tense. I do this all the time, I'm still getting used to it.
"He slowed to a fast walk panting in relief, but just as he saw the torches ahead, something grabbed him on the back of his head and pushed him head first into the ground." This could probably say the same thing as 'something grabed his head and slamed it face first into the ground' It says the same basic thing in fewer words.
"Now, you shall discover the true cruelty of life.” I really like this sentence, its almost as if Confucius said it. lol
Now in most of the lore I've heard about vampires, they hold you in some kind of mesmerizing trance and the bite usually feels good, this could play to a strength here if you wanted it to. At least that's how I see it.
All in all the second part here has a good flow to it and it did make sense, despite all my squabbling, lol.
"Richard the first looked at the knife in shock over the choice he has been given." How about using the phrase, 'the choice he was now forced into' personally that's how I would phrase it, but then, I'm not the writer am I?
This part of the chapter went well, just a few minor things in my opinion, but overall, I like the dialog and in keeping with the old English I think you did well.

"she bumped into a tall, pale-skinned male with red eyes and two large canine teeth in front of his mouth, wearing a black cape wrapped around his neck. Without warning, Belemina felt the hideous monster grab her by the shoulders and spin her around." Just a thought here, but, she can't give a full description of Dracula if she's still facing away from him. I'm not sure most normal readers will catch this but I did, so maybe someone else will also. The description could be better served after he spins her around but before her boy cries out. and this part of the chapter was done very well also. The dialog was smooth and the flow was pretty good here.

This, next to last, part was done very well. I had mentioned before about the tense situation, you have it here and scattered throughout this chapter and my guess, through all your previous chapters. A lot of times you'll use passes, and then in the same passage, you'll use ran. One is present and the other is past. I personally think you write better in the past tense than in the present, but hey, who am I to judge, lol. now let's look at your last part.

Flawless! I can see nothing wrong with this part, not even a suggestion on how things could be improved. I would like to see a dialog exactly like this at the beginning of the chapter, that way we all know it's a flashback and not some weird tangent.

Well, sir, you did a fine job on another of your excellent ideas for a book. Keep it up and I'll keep reading and reporting back to you. Let me know if there's anything that you don't like about my reviews and I'll try and curb them, I can tailor-make my reviews to what you want and need.
Thanks for inviting me into your world bro.

9
9
Rated: E | (4.5)
It seems you have a melody to go with this poem. I'll be honest I usually don't review poems because I don't know them very well. But what I can tell you is that is was very easy to read, the whole thing just kind of rolled off the tongue. I enjoyed it very much, but I was wondering why you think she's crazy? Just what did she do to break your heart. You open your piece with somewhat of a promise that your readers will find out what she did, kind of a question if you will. Why is she crazy, that's why I read more, (well that and because I said I would lol.) Just saying, that this piece is almost a story, has a beginning and an ending. But aesthetically, this is a pretty poem and I do like it very much. Keep up the good writing.
10
10
for entry "Chapter 6
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey Octavius , I liked the whole first part, the Dracula scene. It was well put together and pretty straight forward enough. Nice job on the descriptions of the girls, not too much, not too little. You're getting better with limiting your descriptions to the point of not overdoing it, so Kudos on that.

"The only noise coming from the room the fire crackling from the torches lit around the throne room." I feel like you used the word 'room' too many times in this sentence, try something like this: 'The only noise was the crisp crackling that came from the burning torches that lined the dark walls of the throne room.' I was even able to add extra details and even made the word count larger in that sentence and it didn't use the word 'room' but only once.

The second part, I feel, could be lengthened, I think you could still put a little more detail into the dark figure on the top of the roof, did they have a cape flowing in the wind, did it look big and gruff or tall and slender like a woman. When you walk into the church there is usually a cross behind the altar, was that still there or was it turned upside down or cut up? also, how many patrons lost their lives that night and how many could have been turned? I think you should go all out in this section and don't worry about what others may think about any descriptions, this, by nature and title, is expected to be a book with blood and gore all over the place, and I think you could do a lot more with this section, and not just for the sake of some kind of word count either. Let your inner horror freak out, lol.

I like the old English that you worked into the last section with Richard. I think you were spot on with it. Is this something that Richard is telling Debra or is this him just recalling why he was made into whatever he is?

All-in-all, I liked this chapter and I like the fact that you had three separate and distinct scenes, they all read very smoothly and everything seemed to flow quite well. I also like the fact that you are now delving into Richard's past. I think you could even do something like they did in 'Arrow'. They used flashbacks to tell the backstory of how the Arrow learned all of his fighting skills and what he had to endure for the sake of becoming who he is now. I think you could definitely do something like that here with Richard, and show him extremely awesome in combat against the dark ones. Things like who started training him to begin with? where did he learn his abilities? You could put a little bit here and there about his past so the reader can more fully immerse themselves in Richard's character, even relate to him for some readers in some ways.

Okay, okay, I'm getting carried away, this is your novel and I was just trying to suggest something that I personally would love to see here, but it's still your book. I'm just saying that I really like what you're doing with it. keep going man, you got some good going on here.

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
for entry "Chapter 5
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well Octavius I'm back again. You did a fine job of representing what your characters are doing, and neither of your MC's are godlike or anything unrealistic like that.

"A tall woman with long brown hair wearing a dated flowered dress emerged from the passenger’s seat along with the driver. The driver was a taller old, gray-headed man with a thick beard and burly physique. He wore a red and white checkered shirt with a pressed pair of Dickey blue jeans. And, out of the back seat, appeared a tomboyish girl wearing a strapped purple under-shirt along with a jean jacket, black jeans with holes in them and black and purple boots. Her disheveled, spiked, slick black hair and purplish lipstick shimmered as she pursed her wet lips together." All of this is unnecessary. I think all of the descriptions are way too much if the girl's jean jacket plays an important role in the story then you should leave it in. I am in no way trying to be rude so please don't take it that way. But as a reader I found myself thinking, 'why do I care what they're wearing' So far that the only thing I really see, and otherwise this is what I've come to expect from you, good writing.

It really looks like you could make a play for the racism card here, whereby your entire novel could surround the topic of racism as it pertains to everyone, it's still a big deal what with our president being a member of the KKK and all and being forced to condemn the white nationalists. Your underlying subject could be very profound indeed, and you're a good enough writer to pull it off.

There was only one other thing I noticed and it probably happened more than once, I'm doing it in my book as well, your tenses need to remain the same throughout the book, here's an example of the one I noticed "Richard hid behind a tree and pulls out two kunai blades from his side belt." hid should either be hides or pulls should be pulled. One is past tense and one present. Like I said I do it all the time in my book, it's hard sometimes even to go back and edit just for that.

The whole chapter was good. The flow was excellent and the characters were vivid enough to imagine them in my brain. the writing was good enough that the whole scene played out like a movie in my head. That's when you know your reader is having fun, this is a very interesting book, but I think I've mentioned that before in previous chapters. Good work!

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
for entry "Prologue: Gods
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey there Ryan Bohannon I'm dont go in the basement!Duhh and I will be your reviewer for today. I read the whole thing and then I go back and make any comments or suggestions as I read it again.

I like the concept. It's definitely interesting. This is a new take on a popular belief system.

The first paragraph is okay, it's an info dump I would say but has all the information you need for the prologue.

"their brother shouted, glowing bright, searing their eyes." This line took me a few times of reading to understand what it meant. Try wording it a little different somehow.

I like the foreshadowing you put in during the lines that follow that last one I just talked about.

I also like the way you describe the universe and some of the planets in it.

"Jungles formed and swamps." I think for this sentence 'Jungles and swamps formed' just sound better I think.

Very good use of the woman in this, I know this whole scene seems to me to be Cain and Able just with different names, but I like the whole scene.

And I also think you embodied the mind of a woman pretty good, (at least what I know of them anyway.) They don't react well to beggars, those who would do anything to be with them.

By "he knew she was sent by him," are you referring to the evil god or Ealdo? It does sound like something Ealdo could create because he was so expressive.

I do like the way you killed off the other brother. Now all worlds would belong to him, I would have liked to see a little more clearly written ending, something that explains why evil triumphed over good.

So all in all, I liked you prologue very much, It makes me want to read more of this book, I'll keep on reading. It seems that you have the nack for writing. Keep it up man!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Karma  
for entry "Chapter 2
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey jdparker22 Hows it going? Well, it's been a while but I'm super excited to read part 2. so let's get this on shall we?

So far the dialog seems crisp and clear, I want to keep going, good attention to drama here.

"A few moments pass as the blue dragon glares at them for a few moments." You say a few moments too many times in this sentence, I know your editing skills but I figured I'd tell you anyway. Also, there's this;
"Warning de-pressurization in progress. The deep masculine computer speaks. Ensure that your suits are safely secured." I think the 'The deep masculine computer speaks' should probably be regular text. Again, just another editing tip, so far your scene and the characters are well rounded out. I'm at the part where they find the dragon, I love it!

I'm not wholly sure why, but your fight scene with the dragon and Nadine seems a little flat. I think it has something to do with me not really caring if she wins or looses, There is no emotional investment into the character by the reader. I think if we had known Nadine a little better there would be more tension in your fight scene. Don't get me wrong, the mechanics of the scene are good, I just don't see any tension. Ideas from me would include a mention by the luitenent about maybe him hoping they send her and someone explaining that he doesn't want her to come because she has kids or something like that, her son graduates the academy tomorrow. Make the fight scene last a little longer that way maybe. For some reason I seemed to be more worried about the marines than with her. I don't know, thoughts for you as always.

"The seraphs all fade from view leaving Evin floating in space with his spacesuit." I'm a little confused by this, it just comes from out of nowhere, I think you should leave this one completely out, your last section does an outstanding job of what happened to Evin. It was also very good at making me want to read more.

All I see in this chapter that needs a little work, (in my opinion), would be the stupid little edit issues, which you always correct usually on your own anyway, and the flatness of Nadine. I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh or something just let me know if Iv'e been rude to you. But your flow and setting were both good and the mechanics are great. You did a fantastic job of setting the stage and executing the fight.

As you say, Keep writing and I'll keep reading, I love the little dragon part at the end so keep it up!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of New beginnings  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there! I'm Duhhfactor and you chose me because I'm a no-nonsense reviewer. I will tell you like it is while also giving you encouragement for what you did right and suggestions on how to improve your piece, also, remember that any suggestions I give you are my opinions and do not have to be used at all. Here we go.

Well, the title definitely rings true and I definitely got the clue that she was pregnant by the end of the first chapter. So it seems that you did make your intention clear by the end of the chapter. You also did a good job bringing Jacqui to life. She is a pretty well-rounded character and you made her worries and happiness stand out in all three chapters.

Your descriptions are very detailed but I would change your focus from telling people all about what she did when she woke up and what she had for breakfast to her surroundings and what the other characters look like. Let your readers imagine what the breakfast was like, go ahead and give some of the smells and some of the details, but let your readers imagination run wild unless it has something to do with the plot. Don't worry, I am still figuring out all of that in my writing as well.

I think it was due to all the description in the first chapter, I had to go back and re-read all three chapters a couple of times. Sometimes the description can take away from the plotline and general flow of the story. The first chapter was about getting to the car, the second, about the ride, and where you have a lot of information about Hassan and Jacqui's relationship, and the third was about the confrontation with Hassan's father.

The information about her relationship came to me as kind of jumbled, I think you were still trying to conceal, or, not tell anyone straight out, that she was pregnant; but that's good. When the reader finally finds out that she IS pregnant, you give your readers a sense that they were smart enough to know what was going on.

You do a really good job of describing the room, their surroundings when she finally gets to it. I got a real sense of being in the room while you were writing that scene.

You spent the right amount of time describing her upbringing in chapter three, to make sure the reader knows why she wants to keep the baby. well done on that point!

The way Mr. Khan regards his son and his son's attitude was well played out. Again, a good job, it was very believable. Indeed, the entire ending was very good. The dialog went smoothly in my opinion and again, you rounded out Hassan's character nicely. I take it we will see more of him in the future? I would take some time to round out Wesley a little more also. Your story here is a good one, I would be interested to see your re-write on this as well as more chapters from you. I would ask you to fill out your bio in your portfolio as people would like to know a little more about you, just what you want people to know.

One last tip I can give you is centered around your formatting. When I set up a story or one of my chapters I have to physically hit return after every paragraph so that it's that much easier to read, and start a new paragraph when a new person starts speaking. Other than that, I enjoyed your story very much, I want to read more.


castle sig


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15
15
Review of Karma  
for entry "Chapter 1
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Here we go again friend, I'll check this one out too, whatever happened to Blood, Soul, and Sacrifice? anyway, here we go.
In the first part before the break you have a couple of editing mistakes but nothing an edit won't fix. Interesting setup here. It makes me want to read more.
This second part is uniquely done, It's kind of an info dump but done in a good way. The dialog seems to run pretty smoothly here too, very well done.
I like the fact that you make him un-impressive, give us some more detail on how he is un-impressive. 'He can barely hold up the drill at times, especially when the tip breaks or he has to use magic.' Just a thought.
'Warp drives, gravity emitters, and teleport devices are one of many inventions that has occur with the help of their magic.' Try 'teleport devices are 'some' of the many devices' It has to do with plural sentence structure. and change 'occur' to 'occured'.
"But the most thing he loves most is that it didn’t drain his score." try to only use the word 'most' only once in this sentence.
The ending compels me to want to read chapter 2. I think you've got something here. and you do go into more detail about his average-ness which is good. I think continuing to go with that average joe kind of guy is a good thing, hehe, give him a small gut, that would definitely make him average I think.
I think you just need a good edit with this one and you'll be alright. I like the storyline and your MC is drawn up pretty well. I don't know if you even need to round out Anitra any more than you have. great job on this one too.


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16
16
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm a little fuzzy on when Ghost shows up in the room with Taylor and I'm a little fuzzy also on the events that led up to him being locked in the room.
Ok, just outside the tower, what happened with the hatch, they were sucked into the outer part of the tower right? How did they get up that ten feet to the hatch?
Okay, I'm almost reading this now for the sheer pleasure of reading it. You have me hooked with this story. I'm glad you kept it going. I'm looking forward to reading the third part.
17
17
Review of The End of Time  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I will tell you exactly what I think, I'm not going to butter you up but I will also not be mean, like some that have reviewed some of my stuff. You asked me before to review your stuff, I will review as I go, which means I will stop reading and say what needs to be said. at the end, I will tell you what I liked about your story. Now on to the heart of the matter, I look forward to this. here we go.
First paragraph, good job, you caught my attention. I like it.
Okay, so far I've gotten to the end of the first day and I gotta say, I'm impressed, no major malfunctions and it looks like you managed a good edit on this one.
Very definitely cool, I love this whole plot and concept. I know you asked me to do this so I could help you with polishing this piece off, but I have to say, everything went pretty smoothly, the only thing I didn't get was the part where he sailed into the air, in a hole in the wave? I didn't really get that part, but then I'm not the brightest banana in the box;)
I am very much looking forward to reading part 2 in the morning. I will give you the same review as I did here, hopefully I find something to give you advice on next time, I feel totally useless this time.


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18
18
Review of The Fourth Child  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You might want to change the word 'counsel' to 'console' I can tell what you meant but you're using the wrong word for it, just letting you know.
In what way are you using the word 'satellite' Is she going to and coming from a man-made satellite or are you using it as a reference to the moon that's also called a satellite? And I'm assuming that the moon WAS the creature, or did it come from within the moon.
I love this story, It's an idea that I've never even heard of before. Fantastic concept, I bet you could even comprise a short novella around this whole concept. Keep it up man I like tour imagination, mine is still stuck in my book, which is great for me but bad for contests, lol.
19
19
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya doing there? A little about me and my style. I write as I see things in your chapters, I will always act as a beta reader pointing out things that, in my opinion, could be said in a different way, or that need improvement. That being said, I also praise accordingly. I'm not sure what level of writing you're at so I just call it bluntly. My objective is to be truthful, not mean. So take it all with a grain of salt if you want. now, on to my review.
"Did...did you just say, 'no bigger than a pencil'?" Jay sniffled. She pulled her glasses away and wiped her face on her rosy sleeve. After taking a breath to compose herself, the girl rose to her feet with some help from her friends. "Let me take a look. Bian, can you look in my bag for a little black stick?" This is the point that made me start wondering how many people are in this group and where they are, I'm picturing some kind of cave. I think you might need to be a little more direct at the beginning so that your readers don't get confused. Also, there seems to be no distinction between any of them, who are they? do they have a specialty? I also think in my mind that these are all teenagers at this point. I'm hoping I'm painting a good picture of what your readers might see at this point, but it's confusing to me.
Well, you did well in making me picture teenagers, I like that and so far your story seems to have a good flow and pace to it.
"Its shift is over, and common sense just punched in," Comical, I like it, it was at a good timing in the story as well.
You did very well in describing the tunnel and the room they found.
I think a little more description is needed with lord cosmic and what he truly desires. Other than that, I love the story and it could definitely be a book if you do it right. Contact me if you want to continue writing it, I'd love to read more.
Thank you for introducing me to your world.


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20
20
Review of World's Fate  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It's okay I read another sci-fi story this morning lol.
I think you should add more emotional tags during the confrontation with William and Foster.
I like it, well met sir. I can see no real fault other than the emotional tags I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure what kind of word limit you had on this contest but a few fear tags would be good at the end as well, or maybe just pure disappointment. otherwise I can't see anything wrong with this piece really.
good damn job man!
21
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Review of The Rebirthday  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there! I am going to review this like I review everything. I have no idea your age, your writing style or your experience in writing. I like to get to the point of things and try to give my honest opinion of your story. I will not be mean, I don't believe in that. I will not be correcting grammar or spelling because this piece has already served its purpose, (I think). Anyway, here goes.
"Peter hobbled to the refrigerator and pulled out a bag of plasma. It would give him the needed boost he required. "Vampire Viagra," he chortled." I thought he was out on the street already and that he was looking at a woman walking down the street. That confused me as to where the refrigerator came from.
I like that you put in some thoughts from Lisa. Nice touch. I also like that you ended the story humorously. That was an unexpected surprise.
All in all, your flow was good and I could easily picture the scenes, (except that first part). I know this was for a contest, but you could make a really good short story from this, like, what happened after he said that? Did he suck her dry, or turn her? And if he turned her than he would have to train her, I can see a great story as well as other possibilities. Nice job and thank you for inviting me into your world.


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22
22
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
sweet! I like a story like this. You really didn't have any lag in your story and it flowed pretty well, though I have to say, I think Azazel and Micheal were a bit more rounded of characters than was Jess, but it actually makes sense if he was just a figment of his own imagination, Jeeze, how does that even work? lol. All in all, I really liked this story and you could've done a LOT worse. It was an absolute pleasure to read, thanks for putting it up on the newsfeed, I would have never seen it otherwise.


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23
23
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I think you should embellish the beginning of the story by describing how fancy the place is. let the reader see how ritzy this place is and let them see the type of man she's dealing with here. In chapter 7 I think you could've shown more of what Seto was thinking rather than saying that he was thinking about last night, what was on his mind as the day grew closer, what did he want to say in his speech that didn't get said, that sort of thing. Chapter 9 kept my curiosity and made me want to read more, good job of captivating your audience. The ending wasn't what I was expecting but I suppose that's what the next chapter is for I guess, right? You know, this isn't my kind of story, but I am compelled to read on. So hurry up and write the next one, I'm looking forward to it. Food for thought, does the western culture rub off on Seto at all?


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24
24
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay, Hi, I'm Marty I am a no-nonsense reviewer, I will tell you honestly how I feel about the piece but I will also make sure that my suggestions are merely that, suggestions, my opinions. With that being said let us begin.
I had to read through the piece twice to get a feel for who "I" was, and what is her name?. It is my opinion that in the first chapter you should hint at more dangerous missions rather than doing an escort, show that the team is the best there is and are ready for the most dangerous missions. I came up with that idea while reading your very last sentence. You introduce four characters at once, the main ones and Meysa. That got kind of confusing for me especially when there was the dialog between the four of them. I personally think more description would help out both chapters immensely. Describe a little of what your characters look like, what their wearing, etc. Maybe describe the platform a little more and the crystalbloom also, that really interests me, I know you have it in your mind but you want your reader fully immersed in that whole world. Does it cover the planet or just the city, does every major city have one or is it just this one?
You've definitely piqued my interest. You have a solid idea here and I would love to read more. I think as the chapters move on I will no doubt find out more about your main characters to help humanize them a little more. I also like that air of mystery you've added to this piece it makes me want to read more and find out what is going on. The last sentence, was that a thought or did someone say it and if so who? I would like to read more so if you want to e-mail me and let me know when your next chapter is out, I would be happy to review that one as well, besides that, I want to read it anyway.


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25
25
for entry "Chapter 4
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
At least the first part of this I seem to remember reading it seems in almost the second chapter if memory serves, but I could have just read part of this last time, but so far, no anomalies. Okay, so the first part went very smoothly, the flow was good and the events seemed to form nicely. I can't really offer up any suggestions on how to improve your story yet, but maybe the next chapter. But for now, I'm still enjoying this one, now onto that last little part.
Personally, I would have kept his identity a secret and just made him bring all the sisters to him. Announce his identity when they are all together. That's just my opinion, I think it would have added an air of mystery to this part of the story. The only other thing that I saw in this story was the omission of words like "The, and" and some plural words and things like that. a quick edit should do the trick. I love it, so keep writing.


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