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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/duhhfactor
Review Requests: ON
146 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a no nonsense reviewer. I give my honest opinion. I look for flow, plot holes, and other various creative issues. I am taking creative writing classes right now, so my style will change as I go through these classes.
I'm good at...
Looking at details, descriptions, flow, plot, and overall opinion.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Erotica, and paranormal, I am also open to others that are not on my least favorite genre list.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, poetry, children's pieces, horror
I will not review...
romance, poetry, children's pieces, or horror.
Public Reviews
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1
1
for entry "Chapter 6
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey Octavius , I liked the whole first part, the Dracula scene. It was well put together and pretty straight forward enough. Nice job on the descriptions of the girls, not too much, not too little. You're getting better with limiting your descriptions to the point of not overdoing it, so Kudos on that.

"The only noise coming from the room the fire crackling from the torches lit around the throne room." I feel like you used the word 'room' too many times in this sentence, try something like this: 'The only noise was the crisp crackling that came from the burning torches that lined the dark walls of the throne room.' I was even able to add extra details and even made the word count larger in that sentence and it didn't use the word 'room' but only once.

The second part, I feel, could be lengthened, I think you could still put a little more detail into the dark figure on the top of the roof, did they have a cape flowing in the wind, did it look big and gruff or tall and slender like a woman. When you walk into the church there is usually a cross behind the altar, was that still there or was it turned upside down or cut up? also, how many patrons lost their lives that night and how many could have been turned? I think you should go all out in this section and don't worry about what others may think about any descriptions, this, by nature and title, is expected to be a book with blood and gore all over the place, and I think you could do a lot more with this section, and not just for the sake of some kind of word count either. Let your inner horror freak out, lol.

I like the old English that you worked into the last section with Richard. I think you were spot on with it. Is this something that Richard is telling Debra or is this him just recalling why he was made into whatever he is?

All-in-all, I liked this chapter and I like the fact that you had three separate and distinct scenes, they all read very smoothly and everything seemed to flow quite well. I also like the fact that you are now delving into Richard's past. I think you could even do something like they did in 'Arrow'. They used flashbacks to tell the backstory of how the Arrow learned all of his fighting skills and what he had to endure for the sake of becoming who he is now. I think you could definitely do something like that here with Richard, and show him extremely awesome in combat against the dark ones. Things like who started training him to begin with? where did he learn his abilities? You could put a little bit here and there about his past so the reader can more fully immerse themselves in Richard's character, even relate to him for some readers in some ways.

Okay, okay, I'm getting carried away, this is your novel and I was just trying to suggest something that I personally would love to see here, but it's still your book. I'm just saying that I really like what you're doing with it. keep going man, you got some good going on here.

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
for entry "Chapter 5
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well Octavius I'm back again. You did a fine job of representing what your characters are doing, and neither of your MC's are godlike or anything unrealistic like that.

"A tall woman with long brown hair wearing a dated flowered dress emerged from the passenger’s seat along with the driver. The driver was a taller old, gray-headed man with a thick beard and burly physique. He wore a red and white checkered shirt with a pressed pair of Dickey blue jeans. And, out of the back seat, appeared a tomboyish girl wearing a strapped purple under-shirt along with a jean jacket, black jeans with holes in them and black and purple boots. Her disheveled, spiked, slick black hair and purplish lipstick shimmered as she pursed her wet lips together." All of this is unnecessary. I think all of the descriptions are way too much if the girl's jean jacket plays an important role in the story then you should leave it in. I am in no way trying to be rude so please don't take it that way. But as a reader I found myself thinking, 'why do I care what they're wearing' So far that the only thing I really see, and otherwise this is what I've come to expect from you, good writing.

It really looks like you could make a play for the racism card here, whereby your entire novel could surround the topic of racism as it pertains to everyone, it's still a big deal what with our president being a member of the KKK and all and being forced to condemn the white nationalists. Your underlying subject could be very profound indeed, and you're a good enough writer to pull it off.

There was only one other thing I noticed and it probably happened more than once, I'm doing it in my book as well, your tenses need to remain the same throughout the book, here's an example of the one I noticed "Richard hid behind a tree and pulls out two kunai blades from his side belt." hid should either be hides or pulls should be pulled. One is past tense and one present. Like I said I do it all the time in my book, it's hard sometimes even to go back and edit just for that.

The whole chapter was good. The flow was excellent and the characters were vivid enough to imagine them in my brain. the writing was good enough that the whole scene played out like a movie in my head. That's when you know your reader is having fun, this is a very interesting book, but I think I've mentioned that before in previous chapters. Good work!

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
for entry "Chapter 24
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Octavius here we are again. let's get right to it, but I'm a little worried that my anxiety will kick in knowing the way you leave us with awesome cliffhangers.

Okay, next thing here is that you mention Ryzor in the first sentence when it should be radius, not too big of a deal but I did have to go back and read it twice. second thing is, "The pole end" could be easier stated as the pommel of the axe. ok, back to reading, I can't wait!

The first part went very smoothly, the action was easy to follow and you set the scene up pretty well from the last chapter to this. I like the fact that you used Radius's thoughts to convey what he's feeling and thinking, I would suggest doing at least a one-liner from Drakes point of view here as well, it's all a bit one-sided. Maybe having him think to himself 'great! Now I have to fight a dragon,
. .this oughta be fun' just a thought before he goes into his next battle. with the almighty King Radius. So, first part, very well done.

So far the second part seems very well done also, but It seems that Drake has too many good things that happen to him, just in the nick of time, like when Radius turned into a dragon and, surprise, surprise just as he starts to go after Drake, another Dragon appears? then this light at least stops Ryzor from slaying him. It kind of feels like a totally one-sided battle or at least one of convenient things happening to everyone when they need it the most. That's the way I kind of see it so far. I know I will be reading ahead, and I might find that it's something bad but at least for now it stayed his execution for now. I guess I'll just have to read on now, won't I? lol

I like the next part, a very interesting turn with Kevin's parents, now the question burning on everyone's mind is how do you stop one that is immortal? It sure makes me wonder. A bit complicated, but I got it all pretty easily. Your readers should enjoy it as well.

well, your last chapter does a good job at wrapping things up pretty nicely, although I would've rather seen some way for Kevin to have gotten what he wanted, which was to take out Ryzor himself, rather than have a dragon do it himself. I can see the battle being long and hard-fought, this would've been a battle of the century for Kevin. If he worked for it he could do it, I think anyway.

You made some promises at the beginning of the book, you promised that Drake would find Estoria and he did in a way. You promised that we would find out about Griselda and we did that too. So you kept most of your promises that you gave us in the beginning of the book, talk to me if you need more clarification of what that means, I learned it from watching Brandon Sanderson's online fantasy writing courses. but I think you left it on the right note, with Drake being taken by King Radius. Good work bro! now let me read the epilog real quick.

oh yeah! that epilog was great! it leaves the reader in suspense and thought as to what could've caused the break in the seal, personally, I think it's because of Drakes awakening, but that's just me. but I love it. BTW, When he "woke up" I pictured an anime scene where he was surrounded by white ribbon-like light and him being hoisted into the air, just looking menacing as all get out. I hope that was the vision you wanted to convey to your readers.

I want to be your next beta reader for book two if that's cool with you. I like working with you, not just on your stuff but on mine as well, you give some very good insight. until Chapter 26, I bid you ado'

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
for entry "Chapter 23
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey, Octavius It's been a while, but I'm here to review your next chapter. so here goes.

The first part of this chapter is, once again, smooth and easy to follow. The action also pops for me when I was clearly able to visualize the scene. Now the talking points:

"Ryzor sticks his index and thumb in his mouth and whistles for his horse. The horse gallops beside Ryzor and with one quick leap, he mounts it. He kicks his horse and it gallops past Kevin." This sentence could be made shorter by just saying something like: 'He whistles for his horse, he leaped upon it and rides past Kevin in all haste.' I think it would sound better and it would take away some of that chatter that slows the scene down, you want it quick paced right here.

"What is that she’s using? Kevin thinks." I want to say that I think Kevin is smarter than that and would try to knock the book away right after she pulls it out. I feel that it makes Kevin look bad that he thinks his opponent would just start reading a book in the middle of a raging battle. I think he would do more to keep her from reading that book, whatever it might be. He knows that it is probably a weapon of sorts. But no matter what he does, he can't stop her from using it, maybe she scribes a verse before reading the book that says "SHIELD' or something like that. Just a thought.

"The same reason why I kept hidden the location of Estoria from you. You see, Drake, the journey to the truth matters just as much as truth itself. Truth is an unforgiving concept that doesn’t bend or yield to anyone’s will no matter how powerful one thinks he is. Therefore, one must be prepared to handle the pains that the truth may bring. Those who seek the truth without being fully prepared for it wind up broken and empty hearted." I LOVE this quote, you definitely have a way with words my friend. This was one of the best quotes in the book! I also think it should be in italics, lol

All in all, I think you did it here. You put together a very well written chapter and I enjoyed it very much while also making me wonder about Kevin's fate and who said that, his and her mom? She IS the one who is her sister, right? In any case, I can't wait to find out what is going on with Kevin and how they become a team once more. Keep up the excellent writing man.

Rockin reviewers!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
for entry "Chapter 22
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey Octavius ! I'm back, sorry, things have been goofy here, but I am still reading your book, let's start out, shall we?

I LOVE that first sentence, It screams, 'I'm a good writer!'. It sets the stage nicely, good description, not too much and not too little, good job.

"Drake side-dives to the side and writes INCINERATE in the air" I would just say that he dives to the side. Otherwise, your first section is well written and easy to understand. I hope Drake can withstand the pummelling without any armor.

I like the idea of exploding arrows, nice almost original thought, at least for a fantasy novel, good work!

Both the men seem to be in quite a pickle as I read to the end of the second part. Good job on making it tense so that your reader feels the tension.

Again, the battle between Radius and Drake went well, easy to understand and easy to follow.

Usually, I have so much more to say, but you're becoming a better writer every day. I don't see any plot-line holes yet or even consistency problems, Drake's strengths, and weaknesses have remained the same throughout your novel so far. now, I'm on the last two sections.

I do have a slight problem with the Maria part, I envision her grabbing their heads from the front and slamming down on their faces if that's the case, how do their eyes go wide with shock? And Maria doesn't let go after slamming their heads into the ground? It would seem to me that it would be more realistic to have maria slam their faces into the ground causing an explosion of blood and dirt, or something like that, then she could bend down and squeeze their heads, just a thought.

The last part, definitely makes you want to read more. I like the tension there, it works well, but we still haven't seen the end of Kevin's battle yet, your chapter is over?

You said this was your last chapter? How could you leave us hanging with one battle still raging?

Okay, well I guess I'll just have to wait for book two to begin. I hope you will consider me for your next beta reader. I like working with you and look forward to all of your next works, like "Karma." Keep writing man, I look forward to more from you.


Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
for entry "Prologue: Gods
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey there Ryan Bohannon I'm DuhhFactor and I will be your reviewer for today. I read the whole thing and then I go back and make any comments or suggestions as I read it again.

I like the concept. It's definitely interesting. This is a new take on a popular belief system.

The first paragraph is okay, it's an info dump I would say but has all the information you need for the prologue.

"their brother shouted, glowing bright, searing their eyes." This line took me a few times of reading to understand what it meant. Try wording it a little different somehow.

I like the foreshadowing you put in during the lines that follow that last one I just talked about.

I also like the way you describe the universe and some of the planets in it.

"Jungles formed and swamps." I think for this sentence 'Jungles and swamps formed' just sound better I think.

Very good use of the woman in this, I know this whole scene seems to me to be Cain and Able just with different names, but I like the whole scene.

And I also think you embodied the mind of a woman pretty good, (at least what I know of them anyway.) They don't react well to beggars, those who would do anything to be with them.

By "he knew she was sent by him," are you referring to the evil god or Ealdo? It does sound like something Ealdo could create because he was so expressive.

I do like the way you killed off the other brother. Now all worlds would belong to him, I would have liked to see a little more clearly written ending, something that explains why evil triumphed over good.

So all in all, I liked you prologue very much, It makes me want to read more of this book, I'll keep on reading. It seems that you have the nack for writing. Keep it up man!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
for entry "Chapter 21
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Octavius How goes it? Okay, so I like the way you keep Drake in his foul mood all through the food fight scene. But I had to reread to realize who Tomis was. I would have made some kind of reference as to who he was a refresher since he's not a main character, something like, 'The innkeeper, Tomis, came up from behind the group' something like that would be a good refresher, I was a little lost at first.

"A few hours later, Drake sits at one of the tables alone. He arches forward with his toffee palms flat on the outer surface of the round, oak table." You just mentioned a couple of paragraph something about his toffee hands, at the risk of sounding repetitive, I don't think you really need another adjective to describe his hands.

Okay, so I like everything you did in the first part of the chapter, the dialog was sound and your characters are still breathing a life of their own. I pictured a more old-western style setting here, broken down buildings and dust everywhere. Now, this may be answered in later sections or even chapters, but if Ryzor can find Drake at any time, then why hasn't he done so already? and it also looked like he was going to take the crew out right there, how is it that just the old man was able to stop him, by the way, I like him, he's got balls! lol. now on to part 2.

Your fight scene with Kevin was good, but something is missing, try putting some more emotion into it, remember these two have fought alongside each other for a long while now, they've been helping each other through the hard times and enjoying the good times, Kevin would have never reconnected with Maria if it weren't for drake. How would he react to seeing a long-standing friendship perish like this, I think both of them would be in tears. Kevin, for the loss of friendship and what his best friend's grandmother did, and Drake for the loss of his best friend and for what his own grandmother did. And anger, which you portrayed very nicely here. I think this would also add a bit more depth to your already well-crafted characters.

In the second sentence of your first paragraph, you use the word 'treak' and I had to look it up, I still don't know what it means because I couldn't find a match, and I can't see any kind of misspelling that would make any sense to me.

The third part was short and sweet, casting a controlled web of doubt about Drake's intentions was a good choice, and I even feel that someone with that kind of power should never go unchecked.

You definitely left us on a cliffhanger here! I am sure to read your next chapter. Again, the only thing I would do is add another emotional tag or two, he tears up at the loss of Maria and his friendship for now. Your good with anger and sorrow and pain, I'm good with sadness, loneliness, which I'm sure Kevin's feeling all alone right now, and heartbreak, which he also feels, I think.

All-in-all, I think you pulled off one of your amazing chapters once again, the biggest thing I see is your emotional tags. Just a few more could make your characters and the situations more believable. Other than that, nice job of freeing Debra, though I do hope she comes back on her own and see's that maybe he's not all that bad, after all he needs to grow on her for when she fully realizes that he's the last male dragon she can mate with, and dragons mate for life? right? anyway, sorry, I'm just excited to read your next chapter.

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
for entry "Chapter 20
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Octavius How's it going today. So you're focusing on this storyline now huh? I was still hoping to see what was going to happen with Evin, now that he's a dragon. anyway, let's move on to your more prominent storyline, this one. And awaaay we go!

I love the dialog between the three of them in that first sequence and how realistic you made Drake act after the news of his grandmother. You seem to have a good grasp on that part of his character aspect.

In your first paragraph, I noticed that you used a lot of singular tenses when plurals would have been better.

"Drake didn’t hear a word anyone says because of his worrying thoughts." In this sentence I wouldn't tell your reader why Drake didn't hear anyone else, for one, your audience already knows what his mind is on, still being played out very nicely by the way, and second because it just feels like filler to me, it doesn't need to be there. Don't worry, as I'm going through my novel, I'm cutting the fat too.

So far I like what you did with your first part here. You set a really good mood with what everyone was thinking. I especially like what Debra plans in her last words of this part. It sets yet another plotline in motion keeping your readers wanting more, good work here.

Your last part here is so descriptive and exciting. I love how you made Maria a superior over Debra, that was an interesting turn, I would have never thought of that. I think your dialog went well here as well, I saw nothing really in this part except for some minor tense forms and itty-bitty stuff like that.

You're still going strong my friend, keep it up!

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
for entry "Chapter 19
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I'm back again, Octavius short one this time, eh? Ok let's get down to brass tack, shall we?

That first fight as they were surrounded felt a little to easy for me. Something just doesn't feel right, also why were they just standing there surrounding them? I like the whole concept, a sheet of ice, binding their feet to the ground and then cutting them all down. It all really does make sense but as I said, it seems way too easy when you're surrounded by creatures that all want to kill you. Maybe have the sheet only span out into a cone shape maybe and he only gets a few of them? I don't know, just a thought. Also, he seems to segway into his parents again real quick after the battle, he doesn't even ask if she's ok or makes sure there are no other enemies around. But like I said, the battle scene does make sense it's just too powerful.

The first part isn't bad, the dialog went well I feel, just those two things I mentioned earlier, and I thought of something else too, making the fight scene harder and longer will make this chapter a bit longer and more realistic, as far as fantasy goes, right. You can always come back later to "chew the fat" if you will, get rid of the things you don't need.

"Celta follows her and listens to the clapping sound her high heeled shoes beating against the smooth marble tiles in the hallway. The two pace down the runway until they reach a corner."
Ok, in the first sentence you could say, 'clapping sound AS her high heeled shoes' or 'marble tiles in the hallway made.' Try them both out, I think that may sound better to you. and the second sentence had me going for a loop for a while until I tried to fix it in my head, you left out the 'D' in paced. That was a big one for me, but I know how it is when the words just start to flow. Grammerly is telling me that 'paced' isn't even a word, so now I don't know what to say about it.

"Celta turns the first page, scans the contents of the first page" In this sentence try something like,'Celta turns the first page and scans its contents.' It feels like you used the word 'page' too much in this sentence.

Okay, so all in all I like it and it was a good read and made sense. The dialog was good and you expressed the characters in a believable manner. So I'm looking forward to your next chapter man, keep it up!

Rockin reviewers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Karma  
for entry "Chapter 2
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey jdparker22 Hows it going? Well, it's been a while but I'm super excited to read part 2. so let's get this on shall we?

So far the dialog seems crisp and clear, I want to keep going, good attention to drama here.

"A few moments pass as the blue dragon glares at them for a few moments." You say a few moments too many times in this sentence, I know your editing skills but I figured I'd tell you anyway. Also, there's this;
"Warning de-pressurization in progress. The deep masculine computer speaks. Ensure that your suits are safely secured." I think the 'The deep masculine computer speaks' should probably be regular text. Again, just another editing tip, so far your scene and the characters are well rounded out. I'm at the part where they find the dragon, I love it!

I'm not wholly sure why, but your fight scene with the dragon and Nadine seems a little flat. I think it has something to do with me not really caring if she wins or looses, There is no emotional investment into the character by the reader. I think if we had known Nadine a little better there would be more tension in your fight scene. Don't get me wrong, the mechanics of the scene are good, I just don't see any tension. Ideas from me would include a mention by the luitenent about maybe him hoping they send her and someone explaining that he doesn't want her to come because she has kids or something like that, her son graduates the academy tomorrow. Make the fight scene last a little longer that way maybe. For some reason I seemed to be more worried about the marines than with her. I don't know, thoughts for you as always.

"The seraphs all fade from view leaving Evin floating in space with his spacesuit." I'm a little confused by this, it just comes from out of nowhere, I think you should leave this one completely out, your last section does an outstanding job of what happened to Evin. It was also very good at making me want to read more.

All I see in this chapter that needs a little work, (in my opinion), would be the stupid little edit issues, which you always correct usually on your own anyway, and the flatness of Nadine. I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh or something just let me know if Iv'e been rude to you. But your flow and setting were both good and the mechanics are great. You did a fantastic job of setting the stage and executing the fight.

As you say, Keep writing and I'll keep reading, I love the little dragon part at the end so keep it up!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
for entry "Chapter 18
Review by DuhhFactor
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Octavius How are you, I know it's been a while, I just got done yesterday with Chapter 2 in changing names, etc. Also, I'm doing some newbie classes thats why your name came out with the briefcase and stuff, It did right? anyway I will be putting my signature at the bottom too, let me know if you like it. You can thank the Rockin' Reviewers for helping me learn new stuff. Anyway, onto your newest chapter.

"The cool breeze, green grass and blue skies they were like medicine to my mind. " This sentence is awesome, I like that reference here because sometimes that's exactly what I need.

"clenched his right and punch the stone." Clenched his right hand, right? I know you would have caught that on your edit, you're pretty good at that, but I just thought I'd point it out.

So Kevin's a prince? an heir to the throne? So why are we just finding out now? maybe it's in future parts let me read those first.

Okay, the only part that got me was the description of the canyon. I couldn't picture it very clearly in my mind. What I saw at first was something of a long narrow path with nothing for several feet to each side that ran down the middle of the forest. Then they come to something like a locked gate and Debra opens it up with her powerful wings, than this rocky hole in the ground with some kind of platform in it with spikes all around it. am I even close? In either case, that's what I see. But other than that you did very well with your second part; now, on to the third.

Third, it was a great thought scene 'SHOWING,' you did awesome with that one!

Fourth, There was just this little thing near the end when you talked about his swelled eyes, you probably want to use the word 'swollen' instead.

The ending was good, but some food for thought. What if she barters for her freedom, by leaving him down there she traps him their, so in order to break that bond, she would have to save his life so their even. If you plan to continue with her being his pet, then you could always have him find the alternate way out. So, just a thought.

Now for my signature, I'm trying to center it as well, please let me know how all of this turns out and if it is centered, thanks bro! I hope to talk to you soon.


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12
12
Review of New beginnings  
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there! I'm Duhhfactor and you chose me because I'm a no-nonsense reviewer. I will tell you like it is while also giving you encouragement for what you did right and suggestions on how to improve your piece, also, remember that any suggestions I give you are my opinions and do not have to be used at all. Here we go.

Well, the title definitely rings true and I definitely got the clue that she was pregnant by the end of the first chapter. So it seems that you did make your intention clear by the end of the chapter. You also did a good job bringing Jacqui to life. She is a pretty well-rounded character and you made her worries and happiness stand out in all three chapters.

Your descriptions are very detailed but I would change your focus from telling people all about what she did when she woke up and what she had for breakfast to her surroundings and what the other characters look like. Let your readers imagine what the breakfast was like, go ahead and give some of the smells and some of the details, but let your readers imagination run wild unless it has something to do with the plot. Don't worry, I am still figuring out all of that in my writing as well.

I think it was due to all the description in the first chapter, I had to go back and re-read all three chapters a couple of times. Sometimes the description can take away from the plotline and general flow of the story. The first chapter was about getting to the car, the second, about the ride, and where you have a lot of information about Hassan and Jacqui's relationship, and the third was about the confrontation with Hassan's father.

The information about her relationship came to me as kind of jumbled, I think you were still trying to conceal, or, not tell anyone straight out, that she was pregnant; but that's good. When the reader finally finds out that she IS pregnant, you give your readers a sense that they were smart enough to know what was going on.

You do a really good job of describing the room, their surroundings when she finally gets to it. I got a real sense of being in the room while you were writing that scene.

You spent the right amount of time describing her upbringing in chapter three, to make sure the reader knows why she wants to keep the baby. well done on that point!

The way Mr. Khan regards his son and his son's attitude was well played out. Again, a good job, it was very believable. Indeed, the entire ending was very good. The dialog went smoothly in my opinion and again, you rounded out Hassan's character nicely. I take it we will see more of him in the future? I would take some time to round out Wesley a little more also. Your story here is a good one, I would be interested to see your re-write on this as well as more chapters from you. I would ask you to fill out your bio in your portfolio as people would like to know a little more about you, just what you want people to know.

One last tip I can give you is centered around your formatting. When I set up a story or one of my chapters I have to physically hit return after every paragraph so that it's that much easier to read, and start a new paragraph when a new person starts speaking. Other than that, I enjoyed your story very much, I want to read more.


castle sig


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13
13
Review of Karma  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Here we go again friend, I'll check this one out too, whatever happened to Blood, Soul, and Sacrifice? anyway, here we go.
In the first part before the break you have a couple of editing mistakes but nothing an edit won't fix. Interesting setup here. It makes me want to read more.
This second part is uniquely done, It's kind of an info dump but done in a good way. The dialog seems to run pretty smoothly here too, very well done.
I like the fact that you make him un-impressive, give us some more detail on how he is un-impressive. 'He can barely hold up the drill at times, especially when the tip breaks or he has to use magic.' Just a thought.
'Warp drives, gravity emitters, and teleport devices are one of many inventions that has occur with the help of their magic.' Try 'teleport devices are 'some' of the many devices' It has to do with plural sentence structure. and change 'occur' to 'occured'.
"But the most thing he loves most is that it didn’t drain his score." try to only use the word 'most' only once in this sentence.
The ending compels me to want to read chapter 2. I think you've got something here. and you do go into more detail about his average-ness which is good. I think continuing to go with that average joe kind of guy is a good thing, hehe, give him a small gut, that would definitely make him average I think.
I think you just need a good edit with this one and you'll be alright. I like the storyline and your MC is drawn up pretty well. I don't know if you even need to round out Anitra any more than you have. great job on this one too.


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14
14
for entry "Chapter 17
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Sorry it's been so long, I've had a lot going on and I think I also just needed a break, but I should be back now, so let's begin with your chapter, shall we?
"Early the next morning, the exhausted party of three wakes from a deep sleep and clean their tents. Stepping outside a thick patch of snow falls from a branch and onto Drake’s head. The young man brushes the snow off with his hand and looks up at the cloudy, frosty skies. He puts on his thick coat, wool gloves, and deer hide boots first before wrapping a white scarf around his neck." Just a thought and I have to work on this as well, but you have a chance for some, maybe, slapstick humor here. You really could use any kind of humor really, but humor helps your reader calm down between battle scenes and stuff. I read that in one of the newsletters on WDC. That's why I want to put some humor in my book as well, and after a death scene, I think humor is needed to help my reader relax just a bit.
"Make sure you two finish that hot cocoa I had made” I have made. I also noticed that up to this point the dialog seems a bit forced, like it's not flowing as you normal make it. Maybe you just had a bad night or something, but it's just okay. And I still see places where you could make wisecracks and things of that nature to make your reader laugh, not just your MC. Again, I'm by no means a comedy expert, I'm still trying to put more comedy into my wizard to make him say funny stuff. I can see my reader needs that.
Just after I said that thing about your dialog you seemed to have brought it back when Drake falls behind and talks with Kevin about his feelings with death. it was good. I do think you have the chance to say something profound here when dealing with death. Think about it for a bit and when you think of something, weave it into your story.
I'm at your first break now, where they find the water fountain and I must say, your descriptions are delicious. You do a very good job of telling us all the specific details of this forest. Good job.
"Meanwhile, Drake performs a horizontal strike on one of the monsters and a downward vertical strike on another. He spin-kicks one from him and makes a full circle strike cutting the monsters surrounding him." I think in this instance the descriptions of his exact movements detract from the speed of the story and doesn't really add any meaning or momentum to it. You want the action to be fast so you can say something like he slashed up and down to send seeds flying in tiny balls of flames. something like that maybe. It's not always good to describe every movement of the fight, sometimes the reader can imagine it themselves. Okay, I'm at your third break.
I like your introduction of Debra. I'd like to see you describe in more detail how the vines are tightening their grip on her and causing her pain as well. Make it seriously absolutely one hundred percent absolute that she needs him. It's hard to talk with vines wrapped around her maw. I loved this chapter, there was calm talking, wonderous exploration, warm compassion and exciting action as well as a surprise at the end of the chapter, well done!


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15
15
Review by DuhhFactor
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm a little fuzzy on when Ghost shows up in the room with Taylor and I'm a little fuzzy also on the events that led up to him being locked in the room.
Ok, just outside the tower, what happened with the hatch, they were sucked into the outer part of the tower right? How did they get up that ten feet to the hatch?
Okay, I'm almost reading this now for the sheer pleasure of reading it. You have me hooked with this story. I'm glad you kept it going. I'm looking forward to reading the third part.
16
16
Review of The End of Time  
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I will tell you exactly what I think, I'm not going to butter you up but I will also not be mean, like some that have reviewed some of my stuff. You asked me before to review your stuff, I will review as I go, which means I will stop reading and say what needs to be said. at the end, I will tell you what I liked about your story. Now on to the heart of the matter, I look forward to this. here we go.
First paragraph, good job, you caught my attention. I like it.
Okay, so far I've gotten to the end of the first day and I gotta say, I'm impressed, no major malfunctions and it looks like you managed a good edit on this one.
Very definitely cool, I love this whole plot and concept. I know you asked me to do this so I could help you with polishing this piece off, but I have to say, everything went pretty smoothly, the only thing I didn't get was the part where he sailed into the air, in a hole in the wave? I didn't really get that part, but then I'm not the brightest banana in the box;)
I am very much looking forward to reading part 2 in the morning. I will give you the same review as I did here, hopefully I find something to give you advice on next time, I feel totally useless this time.


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17
17
Review of The Fourth Child  
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You might want to change the word 'counsel' to 'console' I can tell what you meant but you're using the wrong word for it, just letting you know.
In what way are you using the word 'satellite' Is she going to and coming from a man-made satellite or are you using it as a reference to the moon that's also called a satellite? And I'm assuming that the moon WAS the creature, or did it come from within the moon.
I love this story, It's an idea that I've never even heard of before. Fantastic concept, I bet you could even comprise a short novella around this whole concept. Keep it up man I like tour imagination, mine is still stuck in my book, which is great for me but bad for contests, lol.
18
18
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya doing there? A little about me and my style. I write as I see things in your chapters, I will always act as a beta reader pointing out things that, in my opinion, could be said in a different way, or that need improvement. That being said, I also praise accordingly. I'm not sure what level of writing you're at so I just call it bluntly. My objective is to be truthful, not mean. So take it all with a grain of salt if you want. now, on to my review.
"Did...did you just say, 'no bigger than a pencil'?" Jay sniffled. She pulled her glasses away and wiped her face on her rosy sleeve. After taking a breath to compose herself, the girl rose to her feet with some help from her friends. "Let me take a look. Bian, can you look in my bag for a little black stick?" This is the point that made me start wondering how many people are in this group and where they are, I'm picturing some kind of cave. I think you might need to be a little more direct at the beginning so that your readers don't get confused. Also, there seems to be no distinction between any of them, who are they? do they have a specialty? I also think in my mind that these are all teenagers at this point. I'm hoping I'm painting a good picture of what your readers might see at this point, but it's confusing to me.
Well, you did well in making me picture teenagers, I like that and so far your story seems to have a good flow and pace to it.
"Its shift is over, and common sense just punched in," Comical, I like it, it was at a good timing in the story as well.
You did very well in describing the tunnel and the room they found.
I think a little more description is needed with lord cosmic and what he truly desires. Other than that, I love the story and it could definitely be a book if you do it right. Contact me if you want to continue writing it, I'd love to read more.
Thank you for introducing me to your world.


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19
19
Review of World's Fate  
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
It's okay I read another sci-fi story this morning lol.
I think you should add more emotional tags during the confrontation with William and Foster.
I like it, well met sir. I can see no real fault other than the emotional tags I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure what kind of word limit you had on this contest but a few fear tags would be good at the end as well, or maybe just pure disappointment. otherwise I can't see anything wrong with this piece really.
good damn job man!
20
20
Review of The Snow Maiden  
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I will be your reviewer for the time being. I am a no-nonsense reviewer. I will tell you like it is but will also point out the good things I see. just a bit about me. Okay, let's begin.
"He dared to make a wish -- but he kept it to himself for fear that if he said it out loud the wind might come and whisk it away, and then it would never come true." I like the imagery of this line and it was very well written.
The poem was excellent as well!
"The atmosphere was midnight blue and freckled with silver stars." Just a small thing, but earlier you said that the stars were blue.
Nice ending, I was hoping you were going to go there, but that last part I had to read twice. She was a swan and then he kissed her lips and tasted death. when did she turn back into a 'human'?
Very nicely done, I liked the story very much, except for that one part, it was very easy to follow, your hunter was pretty well rounded out for being a short story. When you post stuff on here sometimes you have to go through and hit return after every paragraph, it's just easier to read that way, just a thought. anyway, thank you for inviting me into your world, keep on writing!


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21
21
Review of The Rebirthday  
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there! I am going to review this like I review everything. I have no idea your age, your writing style or your experience in writing. I like to get to the point of things and try to give my honest opinion of your story. I will not be mean, I don't believe in that. I will not be correcting grammar or spelling because this piece has already served its purpose, (I think). Anyway, here goes.
"Peter hobbled to the refrigerator and pulled out a bag of plasma. It would give him the needed boost he required. "Vampire Viagra," he chortled." I thought he was out on the street already and that he was looking at a woman walking down the street. That confused me as to where the refrigerator came from.
I like that you put in some thoughts from Lisa. Nice touch. I also like that you ended the story humorously. That was an unexpected surprise.
All in all, your flow was good and I could easily picture the scenes, (except that first part). I know this was for a contest, but you could make a really good short story from this, like, what happened after he said that? Did he suck her dry, or turn her? And if he turned her than he would have to train her, I can see a great story as well as other possibilities. Nice job and thank you for inviting me into your world.


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22
22
for entry "Chapter 16
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Okay, here I am again. I won't be checking spelling and grammar because I know this is just your first draft. I have to advise you not to push through this just to get through it, if you have to push through, do like I do, push it through as an outline. Then you can go back and add more details to it as you go, but you'll have all your ideas down and ready to go, but anyway, on to the next part.
"Darkall maintains a blank expression on his face but glares at Anguish from the corner of his eye." How can he have a blank expression and glare at the same time, glaring is not blank, if you know what I mean.
The first part is clearly articulated, I could picture everything vividly in my mind, well done. I do however think that the Anguish death scene could have more oomph to it, more of an impact. Maybe you need to round him out a little more in the story, I don't know, but it seemed a little dull to me. Definitely a twist though.
I would describe this 'fire ring' ritual for us a little more, go into some details, describe what will happen if the ritual is completed. I am a bit confused by this part. Sorry.
In the last part here, personally I would have created more intrigue by continuing to keep her hidden or introduce her voice more often in the throne room at other times as well, maybe giving more advice on how to deal with the Altereans. An heir of mystery could go a long way to keeping your readers reading and wanting to find out more. Not that they don't now, just a thought.
Nice job with this chapter. It was easy to follow, except that ring of fire thing, but everything else seemed fine. There were several times when you used the wrong tense of a word or forgot to put in an'A' or an 'I' but looks solid man, good work!


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23
23
for entry "Chapter 15
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Soon, all the Dragonkin surround the two. Kevin and Drake stand back to back and point their crystalline weapons at their foes. The assailants eyed them and huff out large puffs of smoke from their nostrils." The smoke should probably be something like, vapor, smoke usually results from fire.
You have some simple spelling areas, looks like you had your idea and just ran with it kind of quickly, I do it too sometimes. For example, you wrote 'is' instead of his and there was something else in that same sentence. I'd copy and paste it but I have seen it in several other places. I know you would find them sooner or later so I'll let it drop there.
Up to your break, your fight scenes here are good and I can follow along with them no problem. Your use of words here is strong and you have a strong voice here. Other than the minor things that I mentioned, your doing great!
"Kevin and Celta fight in closer proximity to homesteads. They knock down cabins, shacks and wooden pillars in their path of destruction." Okay, this sentence confuses me, how large are these two that they can knock down cabins, shacks and wooden pillars? I can see maybe a shack if Kevin's halberd smashes into one, but I'm now a bit confused. The one thing you are doing right is NOT giving a blow by blow of that battle, sometimes all you need is some vague description.
"Tyranese performs a vertical slash lacerating Drake’s cheek. Drake leaps away to gain distance and wipes the blood away with his left clenched fist. He glares at the warrior princes with his brown eyes as he raises his sword at the ready." Two things with this sentence, one, where did Drake get a sword. I was thinking that after she dropped him back on his face by kicking him in the back, she leaves a sword thrust into the ground for him. But you never said that he picked up a sword. I also don't think that she would act that honorably seeing as how she tried to attack from the rear as he was charging Tinsley. Second, we already know his hair is black. Don't keep telling your reader your description, let them use their own imaginations. Just a thought.
A little emotional at the end there, good work, you want your readers to be vested in your characters. Now I just wonder if Tinsley somehow manages to make it out alive. It's a great story arc to have him constantly chasing Drake down as a jealous lover.
As always if you need me to elaborate on anything let me know. I will be here to answer your questions anytime, well, when I'm at the computer anyway. lol And I really appreciate you letting me into your world once again.





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24
24
for entry "Chapter 14
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
wow! you certainly have an opinion about walls keeping people out, or in depending on which viewpoint you subscribe too. The first fight scene was good, but you could have made it last a little longer with more detail to actions. Describe how hard it was to make all those moves. There's got to be a reason that short of a fight scene takes his breath away so badly., maybe the hammer knocked the wind out of him. Also, I'm not sure I believe that double kick you had him do unless I just wasn't understanding the descriptive details. Otherwise, it flowed rather smoothly.
You used the word, 'stops' when the word 'stopped' should probably sound better. I changed the words in my head as I read them.
"As Maria enter the freezing crypt and explains," should probably read, 'As Maria entered the frozen crypt she explains. Just a thought, I think it would read more smoothly that way.
"A female Alternean place her webbed feet on the icy floor. Blue scales covered her hourglass frame, and her long, curved, sharp nails were painted violet to match her lipstick. Her short, purple hair and creamy pearl earrings accentuated her drawn-out webbed ears." I think that's too much description in one sentence, especially since the nex sentence also has a ton of description. Give a little and let your reader fill in the rest. Sometimes adding too much detail takes your readers attention away from the story-line. I had to read it twice along with the next sentence.
The second fight scene with the woman alterean was quite good, decriptive where it needed to be.
I feel like the ending of the chapter was a bit anti-climactic. There needs to be something more, and I really can't even offer a suggestion, for one, I know she should be in a LOT more pain and hardly able to move. She also just watched him die and was about to be killed herself, how is she NOT freaked out by that? Maybe that's what I'm feeling is missing. not sure, but if you decide to change that part, let me know, I'll want to read it again. I love reading your stuff, I hope I'm giving you some good advise here, do let me know if I anger you or something. anyway, I hope this finds you well, now I must go clean my house, lol


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25
25
Review by DuhhFactor
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
sweet! I like a story like this. You really didn't have any lag in your story and it flowed pretty well, though I have to say, I think Azazel and Micheal were a bit more rounded of characters than was Jess, but it actually makes sense if he was just a figment of his own imagination, Jeeze, how does that even work? lol. All in all, I really liked this story and you could've done a LOT worse. It was an absolute pleasure to read, thanks for putting it up on the newsfeed, I would have never seen it otherwise.


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