I like this piece a lot. There are a couple of rough spots to the flow and without further development I can't really comment on it's progression as a story but the imagery is powerful and moving and the characters demand your sympathy even in such a short space. Good writing...Duke Stone
This is a great story and in my mind's eye I see it as an illustrated children's book. You might want to have the other elephants skittish of him...hey he doesn't have a nose! and perhaps show a couple of scenes of him looking for it... A simple he loked in the grass and in the forest, just something to give them an idea of what transpired during the day and maybe have him and his mother have to sleep outside the herd that night and him frightyened and worried when he sees the star. These are jsut suggestion for giving it a bit of suspense but it's a really fun read as it stands so feel free to ignore them all. I really ewnjoyed this one...Duke Stone
The emotion is strong in its intesnity and compelling but the flow is uneven, the feel of the poem itself distracting from your meaning.Perhaps the best way to express this would be in free verse as opposed to using the end rhymes. You have a nice poem here which could be more. Good writing...Duke Stone
A good beginning as the poem has great imagery and lots of emotion but it does need fine tuned a bit. The rhymes in some spots miss and in one instance the rhyme scheme changes which distracts the reader by interupting the flow. Also in the opening line "To" may need to be "Too". Overall it's a nice poem. Good writing... Duke Stone
Great writing! There was only one minor snag in the entire poem ... "The silence thought her how to stay awake and repeat the memory of the first and last kiss she had ever had, touching and hugging the oak tree in the memory of him." Perhaps you meant taught instead of thought in this line? It did leave me pondering for a second otherwise though the poem is dead on. I really enjoyed it! Good Writing ... Duke Stone
The opening has great imagery and the suspense you build is well done. I could feel my heart beating a bit faster as we drew ever closer to the climax.
The ending is a bit ambigious for my tastes but it does fit well with this type of moral story. Often we find our way of life perverted and corrupted not from outside sources but from within. this is a great example of that. Good writing...Duke Stone
A very emotional poem. Your emotion is what carrries it really with it's power and dread sense of certainty. I would love to see you wrk with it, expand it to include some imagery and polish what is here for this one has potential to be really great, just needs some work. Writing , as anyone will tell you. should really be called rewriting for that's where the real work gets done and the words are honed to that razor's edge. Good writing...Duke Stone
There are a few typos in here and the rhythm could use a bit of polish. Just let the words flow in your head and you'll see what I'm talking about but this is a very nice poem with lots of potential to be a great one! The emotion and the imagery are there it jsut needs honed and polished a bit. Good writing...Duke_Stone
A well written vignette but it doesn't really touch on the description given. There's a mood here certainly but it's never developed. a man in a trench coat does not a ghost make. We see no progress of any character except for the unnamed narrator and he simply returns to his book. His observations made but nothing coems from them. This really needs more development. Duke Stone
Certainly no flames deserved here! you've told a well crafted tale that does have some rough spots but those can be polished out with careful rereading and rewriting whihc is the heart of all good writing. I enjoyed the story and the world and the break neck pace at which the action moved. it all seemed to fit well together. A nice read. Duke Stone
The poem tells a great story and does so very effectively. I'm not sure that rhyming couplets are the best form for this to take but it does produce some interesting effects, reminding me of a fairy tale. You should reread with an eye towards editing as I spotted a few typos that could use correcting but over all a nicely written poem. Good Writing...Duke_Stone
A touching and yet disturbing scene. It makes a powerful statement but at the smae time it lacks a lot because it doesn't give the reader any emotional involvement with the characters. It works on a level as a statement or a sound bit on a television ad but it needs really to be fleshed out to become more than that. Your usual work really develops the characters and tyo be honest this detour really threw me, lol.. then again maybe you meant for it too..lmao...Good Writing...Duke Stone
This is a really well written story and I like the use of realistic firearms though I thought that lake Erie was a fresh water lake, so the slat air refrences kinda threw me. The beginning paragraph could be streamlined a bit but over all the story is good and the action moves well, especially the first werewolf fight. Good Writing...Duke Stone
The use of poisons in controlling the prarie dog's population is indeed unfortunate. I'm really suprised that they didn't sue hunters as the primary control there making it a profitable venture for the goverment as well as controlling the population. Your article is very impassioned and does indeed raise awareness and concern. It has the feel of a nice editorial piece. Good Writing...Duke Stone
well it asks a question however it might be better as a prayer than a statement of philosophy as it is a question which holds context only to the one asking the question and God, so no way for anyone else to form a valid opinion. A nice idea but it needs to be set within a context. Good Writing...Duke Stone
A very nicely written piece that flows well and creates some very vivid and often distrubing iamges in one's mind. On the technical side I could find nothing to point out and the feel of the piece made me loathe to even try. Good Writing...Duke Stone
This poem has a very deep and disturbing theme and you paint some very vivid imagery but the Technical aspects of the poem really need to be adressed. I would suggest a good edit for word usage, punctuation and spelling. one of the most obvious is "her innocents maimed" should be innocence instead. A promising piece that could be better with work. Good Writing...Duke Stone
I love the atmosphere of this one. you conjuer a world so near and yet so far. This is a side of you I've only glimpsed before. Avery nicley written piece and very descrpiptive. I knew all along that you were hiding your candle under a bushel. Glad to see you trying the site out.
This is a nicely written story for the most part, though I would like to see the younger sister's character developed more. I also spotted a couple of typo and tense usage problems that detract from the story. The main one being fasinated=which should be fasinating. A nice effort that could be made nicer with some polish. Good Writing...Duke Stone
A nicely crafted slice of life with a touch of wistfulness without falling into sentimentalism. I really enjoyed the read. The images were vivid and strong in my mind and I walked by her side as she walked the rows, listenign as a friend might. A very nice piece. Good Writing...Duke Stone
This poem has real potential but it needs work. One of the major things that would help is breaking it up into stnzas to help seperate the thoughts. also the stanzas could be a bit more ordered to allow the verse some uniformity. As it stands I found myself becoming lost in places and having to reread to find where the gears had shifted. Some revision and polishing would do wonders for this piece. If you decide to edit it let me know and I'll be glad to reread and revise my rating...Good writing...Duke Stone
This one has potential and the flow is there for the most part however the lack of puncuation and capitilization really throws the reader off as to the pace of the poem. Commas especially would be nice in a couple of places. This one has potential but needs work. Good writing...Duke Stone
I really enjoyed this story and look forward to the continuation. Your feel for the interaction between the boy and the dragon are dead on and the way you show the reader what is happening instead of narrating it to us is really great. I found myself falling under the spell of this one almost from the beginning. This is truly one of the best pieces I've read in a long time. Good Writing...Duke Stone
As a scene it works ok but there really isn't much developement as far as plot goes and the way you describe your heroine hints that her looks are the reason for an improvement in her life. There are lots of good looking people who sufffer as much or maybe even more than "normal" people because of their looks. You really need to explain her history and ecaxtly how the change came to take place. I see you have left the door open for more development in this area and that makes me curious to see it after you've made it progress. Over all a good scene with potential to be a good story. Duke Stone
I loved though I think perhaps focusing more on aspects of chocolate in the descrpitions might have made it more symbolic but a very well written, fun poem full of descripitve imagery that pulled me into it. Techincally I didn't notice any flaws... Good Writing...Duke Stone
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