I'm not going to comment on politics or misconceptions of the south. Instead I'll go over the mechanics as I see them. Over all it flows well and inspires deep emotions either pro or con but in the early going the flow seems forced and out of sync. the pace becomes faster towards the end and sweeps the reader along. A nice work that could use some fine tuning and revision. God Bless, Duke
A nicely written poem though I think you would do better without the Bold words as it distracts rather than enhances the impact of your work. Instead of the eye following the line naturally it is drawn to the word in bold and that throws off the poems natural flow. Just some thoughts. God Bless and Good writing, Duke
A wonderful beginning to a story but with the age of the lead characters I would be more inclined to think of this as a christian romance than a young adult story. Young adults in book terms really fall in the late teen category and to be honest your characters have way more experience than that. I truly enjoyed the read and thanks for sharing as it is a beautiful beginning. God Bless and Good writing, Duke
well crafted story of delightfully devious design. I really loved your modern twist upon an old theme. You kept me laughing and reading to the very end. Your new insights into the character of the characters was well done. I didn't find anything amiss in the grmmar or spelling departments and everything worked well. god Bless and Good writing, Duke
A nice peice though I've always envisioned him writing down sins of each person he spoke to in turn in the dust and watching as they turned away. His way of allowing to see that their sins were known to him as was hers. The truth is still there either way. Our Lord bought love and forgiveness to an unforgiving world. God Bless, Duke
very moving and emotional piece. Too often we do have to think of the worst case scenerio before making a decision as the results can be life altering as you so well express. May God grant you his peace and guidence as you seek his will. I myself am in a similar situation at the current time but He will provide and will lead me to his place in his time. God Bless, Duke
A heart touching appel on a heart wrenching subject. You have a few minor errors which are mostly typos and in no way detract from the force or clarity of your cry. It's sad but true that we, as chistians, often allow outside forces to govern our actions instead of God's will. As christians it's our duty to reach out to those around us, to love them even if they don't love theirselves. Thank you for showing God's love. God Bless and Good writing, Duke
Overall a nice story that was engaging though the first person narrative was a bit distracting as well as your character's sentence structure. I know you did it to emphasize his alien thoughts but perhaps a thrid person narrative with his sentenc structure confined to dialogue would work better? Just some thoughts on a nice piece. God Bless, Duke
Well you started out with n interesting premise but we never really got much of a punchline out of it. You should try nd punch up the events a bit. A bit more description, a bit more chaos perhaps. Something to add a sense of urgency to his actions. If you plan on doing a rewrite nd would like some more concrete ideas then send me an email and I'll be glad to help if I can. God Bless, Duke
A very interesting story of transformaation. Still God will show you your purpose if you let him and in the midst of the sadness just remember that sacrifice to save another is a great and noble thing. You left what could be thought of as heaven to help someone you didn't even know. great story with lots of meaning. God Bless and good writing, Duke
This one has a foundation that you could build on but you really need to work on your construction. It comes across as talking down to the reader, making things simpler than they need to be and thereby losing the excitement. You would also do better letting your characters carry more of the story instead of narration. "Show not Tell" is still a good adage. If you decide to revise this one just drop me an email and I'll be glad to take another look as it does show promise. God Bless, Duke
Well I understood the last few lines though it makes the poem a tad derative. You would be better off using the inspiration to forge a poem that stands alone form its inspiration. you have the seed of a good work here and my suggestion would to be to rewrite the last few lines leaving the punisher reference out. What ever you decide to do, God Bless, Duke
Yep, I can see why this one stirred up a Hornet's nest for you. As a Christian married to a practicing wiccan I understand all too well your frustration at trying to get them to see. The poem itself flows fairly well though there are a couple of place where it seems a bit forced. Overall a good poem with a powerful message that could use a touch of polish to make those few lines flow a bit smoother. God Bless, Duke
Amen brother, Amen. I just spent the two hardest years of my life trying to deny God's gift. I've always been possed of a need to write, a spirit that fills me at times. God filled me with the Holy Spirit's power about one month ago and since that time I've shouted his glory from every rooftop (and laptop).
While not Catholic I do believe in the saving blood of my Lord, Jesus Christ and fully intend to allow him to use my gift as he needs. With God's grace and will I eagerly await the new beginning. Good writing and thanks for the wonderful words of encouragement. God Bless, Duke
An interesting concept piece though I think perhaps you could add some punch with a little revision and perhaps addition. Make the comparisons a bit more concrete. The flow works welland it certainly has an almost lyrical quality to it. God Bless and Good writing, Duke Stone
A well written and truly dramatic piece pulling the reader into the very heart of the scene. Your imagery was wonderful and vivid, breathing life into the scene in my mind's eye. Your sense of mood fit this piece well. Thank God that we don't have to live condemned. God bless and Good writing, Duke Stone
A unique twist on some old lore. What I liked
The concept itself and your take on it. You really enlivened some old themes.
What I didn't like
You tried to pack too much action into the piece resulting in the scene switching before it really had time to develop. I'd love to see more transpire on screen in real time rather than being informed by the narrator. A nice piece that a little rewriting could make great. God Bless and Good Writing, Duke Stone
A nicely written short story though to be honest it could use some more character and plot developement if you want to hook the reader. As it is the plot moves too predictably without a single moment of conflict. This one has potential if you should choose to develope it. Good writing, Duke Stone
The beginning is a bit weak, by keeping the prison nameless and the reason for being there unrevealed you lose the initial intrest of the reader and that's a shame because as you read deeper into the story it becomes really turns ino a well concieved vivid story. I loved the actual break both of them and the well thought out wayh you introuduced Sam. This one holds potential but really needs some work. The opening needs to grab the reader, pull them into the scene. Good writing, Duke Stone
I had a discussion with another member just a few days ago about the classic hardboiled detective and how the genre could be evolved or at least carried on. He felt that writing hard boiled detectives in this age required lapsing into self parody at times to hold the reader's intrest. I'm pleased to discover that I was right. You can create a gem of the genre by playing it straight and working with your characters. This piece was like a stroll down memory lane and I savored every step. I grew up on old bogart movies and the great pulp classics and this one really takes me back to those exciting and fun stories. There is one thing that jangled just a bit. You have him using a revolver with a silencer and contary to all the old stories this simply won't work. Too manay gases escape from the gap between cylinder and barrel for a silencer to be of any use on a revolver. I know this might be a bit nit picky but considering the audience this story is most likely to attract it will be noticed. I have researched many of them for different stories so if you ever have a question what gun would be right for what time period please feel free to contact me.
Good writing and thanks for the fun, Duke Stone
A very moving and thought provoking look at something that plagues the writer's mind too often I would imagine. I've been in a similar position. I still reside in that strange country truth be known. once poems flowed like water, each sight and sound sparking a new falme that burned to be released upon paper then I awoke one day to find it departed from me. I struggle to write verse but it eludes my grasp and I end up turning to prose for nothing seems as good as it once was, dried leaves falling from a barren tree.
your poem moved me in ways that I didn't 3expect but am delighted to have experienced A wonderfully tight poem that flows with the harmony of a brook and the power of rushing rapids. Good writing, Duke Stone
Ok, this one needs a bit of work. I enjoyed several aspects of it, The idea of meeting a vampire on a casual outing, him being mistaken for a writer and her disbelief in the events unfolding around her.
Things I didn't like. The lack of line spacing(double spacing makes it easier to read) and the lack of breaks for new paragraphs/scene changes. Her inner dialgue was confusing at times as it seemed to revert to slang, not all of which I am familar with. Perhaps a third person POV with the slang confined tot he dialogue would serve better?
Overall view a nice piece that needs some work to be truly first rate. Good writing, Duke Stone
A well written story overall with a nice job of getting the reader involved with the characters quickly. The opening seemed a bit weak, not really hooking me until I reached the second paragraph. Perhaps this scene would be better played at the end of the story? Taking the second paragraph and showing the normal sunday scene might be a better way to open, allowing the reader to experience the dawning horror with the characters. Just some stray thoughts on how to strengthen an already nice story. Good writing, Duke Stone
Ah but you'd also miss the scent of a rose and the clear, endless blue of a cloudless summer sky.
I digress. This one has a compelling flow to it and a great sense of imagery though it could stand a bit of balance. Reducing lives to words are the stock and trade of a writer yet we must never forget all the things that words couldn't convey without something to compare them to. Who could explain sweet or sour if no one had tasted it? I really enjoyed the flow of this one as it moved at a stately grace. Good writing, Duke Stone
Though I imagine some of the4 events in this prologue will be revealed/explained in the ensueing chapters it did seem to omit too many pieces to be a stand alone chapter. The flow of the scene worked well as did the vivid and well done imagery. A bit more background on the war and the enemy might be advised so we know what is happening. Overall a welldone but incomplete scene. Good writing, Duke Stone
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