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51
51
Review of Unstoppable  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello and good evening, beetle ! *Smile* I am Jessica and I'll be reviewing Unstoppable which is a prompt that uses lyrics from Unstoppable by Twiztid  . Please remember these are only my opinions; feel free to use whatever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
Unstoppable is one of my favorite songs by Twiztid and I think this story captures Monoxide's lyrics perfectly. I could feel the tension, an argument, and someone not giving up despite the odds. I remember feeling that way in November when this song became my anthem and the feelings of desperation perfectly. You did a great job with this prompt.

Overall Thoughts:
I like your take on the lyrics; I would have never thought of a boxing match! I think it's perfect. *Bigsmile* I thought Unstoppable read mostly well, but I noticed in some areas where things were awkward or sounded off. Let me show you a few instances (I have more comments on the one I printed out, I'll scan them and send them to you in an e-mail):

“Relatively doesn’t mean actually, Reen.”

“—and I’m pretty sure that if I keep her dancing and land some quick blows, I can—”

“You can what? Babe, she’s never been defeated in her professional career! Never!” Diana uncrossed her arms and ran her hands up into the tangly thicket of her curly hair, tugging on it in frustration. I felt bad for putting her through this, but I was iron. I was steel. I wasn’t gonna be moved. Not even by my best girl.

“There’re some people out there that think I’m pretty damn good, myself,” I said—meant to say confidently, but it just came out small and hurt. Diana stopped tugging on her hair to search my eyes then sighed and crossed the room, sitting next to me as she grabbed my taped right hand. Hers was cool against my hot, puffed flesh.

Other than that, I thought everything else read well; however, it wouldn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey!

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
You did a great job! I feel like tweeting this story to Twiztid now to show them your interpretation on their song. *Bigsmile* It's also inspiring me to write my own. Keep up the great work and write on! Can't wait to read more! *Star*NIGHT! *Star* *Moon*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
52
52
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good morning. I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholders for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions, please take whichever you find the most helpful.

First Impressions:
This is a great message, although it is a bit cliched, but since it's focusing around the conflict within a country I think it's fitting. However, I was confused who Katrina Kaif is and what AAP and BJP are, it might help to footnote what these entities are so people who aren't residing in your area know what you're talking about.

Overall Thoughts:
I thought this was a great starter piece. I thought you had great philosophy throughout this piece and I like how you mentioned Plato. However, I noticed there were some mechanical issues in this piece:
Plato came up with this phrase quite cleverly. You can fit it in either of the following two ways. Whether beauty is only in the eyes, its just in imagination, an illusion or it is actually there , it is real but only certain eyes can see it. This is the question. Love marriages can fail. The love formed by illusion of eyes is short lived. While in true love there is no falsity. Here the beauty in the eyes means the ability in the lover to appreciate what other eyes can never. The beauty is there, but only the lover can see it.

Plato thought of this clever phrase*. You can fit it in either of the following two ways:whether* beauty lies only in the eyes; its just in imagination, an illusion or it is actually there* It is real, but only certain eyes can see it. This is the question: love marriages can fail. The love formed by illusion of eyes is short lived. While in true love there is no falsity. Here the beauty in the eyes means the ability in the lover to appreciate what other eyes can never. The beauty is there, but only the lover can see it.


But fortunately our love, admiration and liking will all have to endure the test of time.
But fortunately our love, admiration, and liking will have to endure the test of time.


* I think this phrasing sounds a lot better. I added the semi colon because it is a list and I changed some grammar.

Other than those errors, I thought it read well. However, it wouldn't hurt to go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating:
*Starb* * *Starb* * *Starb* * *Starb*

Final Thoughts:
Welcome to Writing.com! You'll absolutely love this community; we're a very friendly bunch and we usually are glad to help or give advice. Keep writing and write on!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
53
53
Review of Mom  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good afternoon. My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Mom for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions, take what you need and if you have questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.

First Impressions:
This is a simple, yet effective poem. Though it is simply stated, it packs a lot of emotion and gratitude to your mother. I think this would make for a great greeting card.

Overall Thoughts:
I like the way Mom is in free verse form. With the title, I was expecting the AABB rhyme scheme, but I definitely like the free verse. Also, I would check spacing... single space would look better and of course capitalization... not every beginning has to be capitalized, but Word is good at that. *Wink* Other than that, I found no mechanical errors, however it wouldn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the good work and write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
54
54
Review of Walls  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
صباع الكير و سلام! I am Jessica and I'll be reviewing Walls for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions; take whatever you find helpful! If you have any questions, just e-mail me (Future Mrs. B ). *Smile*

First Impressions:
I thought this was a beautiful poem, especially a poem that questions faith. We all go through hard times, but what makes a person different is how he/she handles it: whether they're strong or fall apart. Whether faith is kept is a big thing as well; and although you don't speculate if the faith is kept, it's a great question.

Overall Thoughts:
I'd expand upon this poem. Is the faith kept? If so, maybe two more stanzas about how keeping the faith made the person stronger. I think it's such a good lesson to learn. Faith doesn't have to be religious, but spiritual or self-esteem wise. I found no mechanical errors, however, it doesn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying what you want to convey. I also like the flow and rhyme scheme.

Rating:
*Starbl* * *Starbl* * *Starbl* * *Starbl*

Final Thoughts:
Great work and write on! I hope you have a wonderful day. مع سلام!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
55
55
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good afternoon. I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing My Real Family: DFFC Edition for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions, feel free to use whatever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
I thought this was a good start for a flash fiction piece. Although, you don't really get a sense of what's going to happen, it has the emotions and suspense, so it definitely works. I'll have to read your full piece for a fuller understanding.

Overall Thoughts:
I was lost in the middle section; it might be because it was flash fiction and it's supposed to read fast, but I got a little lost and had to re-read.I'd definitely go back and make sure you're conveying the message properly. I also found one mistake:

"I'm just saying she's trying to pull the wool over your eyes." O. no. he did not.

"I'm just saying she's trying to pull the wool over your eyes." Oh. no. he did not.


Final Thoughts:
Great start, I'm going to read the fuller version. I can't wait to see the rest of your port. Keep writing and have a great day!

Jessica


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
56
56
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and good morning! I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing Concentrated Smile. Please remember that these are only my opinions; feel free to use whatever you want and disregard other things.

First Impressions:
This is a good start to a poem. I feel that it has a lot of potential, but thoughts can be expanded upon on some stanzas. For me, this is just a sketch of a picture, with the right words and descriptions, I believe this could be a beautiful painting.

Overall Thoughts:
I will crush the belief poems have to rhyme to be good because that's not true. A poem can be in any form. I like this free verse form. However, I'm not sure if this has religious connotations; to me it sounds like it does have that. "“Go on, be merry!” /Is what he said to me./What he didn't say was/ how, or why I was supposed to be. Or maybe, he left that
up to me.
Happiness, in us all./There when we rise, /gone when we fall." To me, I think if you expanded upon these lines by adding words and images would definitely add more to the rest of the poem. Right now it seems unfinished to me. This is only my suggestion, but how about something like this?
"“Go on, be merry!” /Is what he said to me.
What he didn't say was/how, or why I was supposed /to be. How can you give such a vague description of merry?/ But, I guess he left that up to me.

Happiness, as I have learned, is in all of us/There when we rise in the morning/ facing in the east, a brand new hope/ gone when the sun sets in the west/ darkness covers us and gone when we fall."

However, I found no mechanical issues, it reads well.

Rating:
*Star* * *Star* * *Star* * *Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Overall, I liked it, you have a lot of potential. Write on and have a great day!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
57
57
Review of My Nephew  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and good morning! I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing My Nephew for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions and take whichever you find most helpful.

First Impressions:
I thought this was a touching poem about the birth of your nephew. I believe we all feel like this when any of our loved ones (family or friends) welcomes a baby (or babies) into the world. Although this poem could use some work, I like the thought and emotion you put into My Nephew.

Overall Thoughts:
The beginning of the poem really worked. I like the way it read and the beat to it. However, after "You grow," you lose me. You just clump together words and the beat is lost. I think you could break it down. Maybe like this?

and I watch you become the man who can change the world with one touch.
You inspire me to be the influence that makes you become that man.
You will stand against the harshness the world will bring you,
With each breath you draw, you become stronger.
And with each of mine, I will be there with you, hoping my guidance will help you,
knowing yours will save me.


and I watch you become a man,
one who can change the world with a touch.
You inspire me to be stronger and aware;
so I can influence the man you can become.
With my strength, I can guide you,
to stand up against the harsh realities of life.
Never give up - with each breath you will be strong,
And with each of mine, I will be there with you,
hoping my guidance will help you,
knowing yours will save me.


However, I think the ending could be stronger. Maybe think of something else you'd wish for your nephew? I found no mechanical or usage errors, however, it wouldn't hurt to re-read to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey to readers.

Rating:
*Starg* * *Starg* * *Starg* * *Starg*

Final Thoughts:
This is a great start and I believe with some work, this piece can be awesome. Write on and have a great day!

Please check out:
 
Monoxide Smiles  [E]
Genres: Music - Romance/Love - Relationship
by Future Mrs. B


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
58
58
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good morning and happy Sunday! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Of Time and Winter for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions, take whatever you find helpful!

First Impressions:
Woah, I really like the philosophy of this piece. It shows me that although the tree doesn't love the parasitic vine, it is a way of life for the tree - much like old age to us. I really like the metaphor you use in this; beautiful!

Overall Thoughts:
I could tell you really planned this piece and it works wonderfully! I found no grammatical or mechanical errors, however, it wouldn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey to readers.

Rating:
*Staro* * *Staro* * *Staro* * *Staro*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the great work and write on! Have a wonderful day! "Relocation Dream Sequence"   by Future Mrs. B


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
59
59
Review of An open door  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, good morning and Happy Birthday! I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing An open door for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions and take whichever you find helpful.

First Impressions:
I really liked the philosophy at the beginning of this piece. It describes my current predicament well. That's what drew me in; I think the philosophy is the strongest part of this piece.

Overall Thoughts:
Is this a teaser to a story, memoir or a poem? It seems unfinished because it just ended abruptly. I want to know more, I want to see a resolution. I found no mechanical errors, however, it wouldn't hurt to go back and proofread to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey to the readers.

Rating:
*Starbl* * *Starbl* * *Starbl*

Final Thoughts:
This isn't a bad start to a piece. I believe it has a lot of potential, just keep working at it and WRITE ON!

 
STATIC
A Poem to Monoxide on Happy Day  (ASR)
A poem for Monoxide (Twiztid) about my love on International Day of Happiness (3/20/14).
#1982883 by Future Mrs. B


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
60
60
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello and good evening. My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Our Gift of Speech for SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP. Please remember these are only my opinions and take whatever you see helpful. :)

First Impressions:
Welcome to Writing.com! This is a great community, as you have seen. I joined 8 years ago and love it. You capture the wonderful people of this site well, as well as the role of a general writer. I like how you put in Bible passages, although I consider myself more spiritual. I thought it worked.

Overall Impressions:
I like the rhyme scheme of this poem, I think it works well. I found no mechanical or usage errors, it looks good to me. However, it wouldn't hurt to go back and re-read to make sure you're conveying all you want to say. I also had to look up the passage; perfect usage!

Rating:
*Starbl* * *Starbl* * *Starbl* * *Starbl* * *Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Wonderful! Keep up the great work and write on! Have a great evening.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
61
61
Review of Satisfaction  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo und Guten Abend! I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing Satisfaction. Please remember that these are only my opinions and you can take them where you see fit.

First Impressions:
I really liked the opening of this poem. I really liked the rhyme scheme and I didn't find it too distracting (then again, I do like some rhyme). I thought this would be a perfect poem for an older child or teenager because it gives them a message of hope and how to be satisfied with what they have.

Overall Impressions:
Like I said, I thought the beginning was perfect - strong opening and strong rhyme scheme. However,it started to fall apart in the middle. I did like the message of the poem, but I noticed you broke the rhyme scheme and that was distracting to me. I believe you should keep the rhyme scheme uniform and stick to it throughout the poem. Because I was distracted, I lost track of the meaning and had to re-read again.

Rating:
*stargray* * *stargray* * *stargray* * *stargray*

Final Thoughts:
I did like your writing style and I can't wait to check out more of what your portfolio has to offer. Keep writing, even when you're tired... you'll surprise yourself. Have a great day and WRITE ON!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
62
62
Review of Family Album  
Review by Future Mrs. B
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo und guten morgen. I've just been looking around at different photo albums and I stumbled upon this one. This photo album is so beautiful and the couple looks so happy. I also love the cake, it's so carefully decorated and I love the style. Looks like a good day had by all. Here's to the best for the happy couple!
63
63
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo und guten morgen! I am Jessica and I'll be reviewing GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS - REDUX.

First Impressions:
I really liked this piece. It was interesting to think of the fairy tale in these terms. It's kind of funny, actually, and I like how it sort of lost its innocence. I also thought you had great characterization and could picture this well.

However, I didn't like this part:
Baby Bear’s class teacher, Miss So Knotty Bear (yes, she is Korean, we pride ourselves on having the best international faculty), caught him swiping food from his bench-mate’s tiffin-box.

I feel like you could get rid of "...Miss So Knotty Bear (yes, she is Korean, we pride ourselves on having the best international faculty)..." You don't really need it.

One question: what is kedgeree? Is it a food or a spice?

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, however, it wouldn't hurt to go back to proofread to make sure you're conveying everything you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Keep writing! I can't wait to see more from you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
64
64
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo and good afternoon! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing A Special Holiday Guest for Simply Positive.

First Impressions:
What a clever little poem! I love the rhyme scheme as well. I thought this piece was very creative and well thought out. Hurrah!

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go back to proof it because you might be conveying something you don't wish to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the good work and write on! Happy holidays!

Please review my item:

 
STATIC
Kyle  (13+)
Sometimes I wonder what happened to Kyle; oh how I miss him!
#1908333 by Future Mrs. B
65
65
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo and good afternoon. I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing Creation Myth- "Rain" for the Simply Positive Group.

First Impressions:
This is an interesting piece. I like how you created a fictional person to listen to the story, but I'm not sure if it was needed as I don't know the guidelines that your teacher/professor wanted. I think what you have is a pretty solid myth, but the way you set up names and how to pronounce them doesn't sit well with me. I don't think you have to put the phoenetics in, the reader can figure it out. :)

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go back and reread it; proof it to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts
Nice idea for a piece! I wish you well grade wise; keep us posted! Write on!

Please check out my piece
 
STATIC
Kyle  (13+)
Sometimes I wonder what happened to Kyle; oh how I miss him!
#1908333 by Future Mrs. B
66
66
Review of That's you  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo and good afternoon! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing That's you.

First Impressions:
I thought this was a well written poem that expresses longing and loss all at once. It's hard not to feel this in our lifetime. I love the passion and emotion of this piece and it hit me right in the heart. However, I found places where it was a little wordy and punctuation might help it. Also, I noticed in stanza 3, the rhyming doesn't match the other stanzas. You might want to check that,

Mechanics:
Remember, these are only MY opinion, feel free to regard or disregard them.

That’s you <--- I would bolden the title, underline is optional

What if I told you love can be deathly unkind,
Searching for someone whom you may never find,
Further falling into a rut to this daily grind,
Constantly having someone consuming your soul's mind,

I’ve given frequent thought to the mornings that we share,
Your laugh and smile; I get so lost inside your stare,
I see you through a tunnel; this darkness needs a flare,
Just a shimmer of light signaling that you might care,

As I walk this earth completely lost in dream,
Will there be a way to maybe see this through, <---- This whole stanza doesn't match the rest.
I can’t contain myself I really want to scream,
It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you,

Times hands are moving{/c:red}, they’re quickly passing by,
The sun is setting on the story of you and I,
Although without a hello can you have a goodbye,
If I said I didn’t want more would it be a lie,

The future is very difficult to forecast,
Nothing constructed in today is built to last,
Maybe one day I will smile looking on the past,
Ten years is forever, yet it vanishes so fast,

As I walk this earth, completely lost in dream,
Will there be a way to maybe see this through?
I can’t contain myself, I really want to scream,
It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you.

Of course, I would suggest reading over it again to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.

Rating
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts
I thought this was a well written piece with a lot of emotion. Keep up the good work and write on!

Please check out my piece:

 
STATIC
Kyle  (13+)
Sometimes I wonder what happened to Kyle; oh how I miss him!
#1908333 by Future Mrs. B
67
67
Review of Once Was An Angel  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Guten abend! I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing Once Was An Angel.

First Impressions:
This poem is awesome from a nine year old. I really enjoyed this piece. It reminds me of my grandma; I have a feeling all grandmas are angels. I like the rhyme scheme and how it is broken with "Once was an angel." It made the flow rhythmic and not too sing-songy. I just liked the way it flowed.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, at least from the perspective of a 23 year old, but you might have edited a little bit from when you were 9. Of course, feel free to go back and make sure you copied everything down right. =]

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Thanks for sharing with us. Keep up the great work and write on!
68
68
Review of Stay  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
صابا الخير أو مرحاباً. أنا جسسيكا. Good morning! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing Stay

First Impressions:
What form is this? The last line looks out of place at first, but then becomes fundamental to the poem. However, I think it could be more rhythmic. I do like the pleading of this poem and the love behind it.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go back and reread to make sure it sounds like what you want it to sound like.

Favorite Part:
Each time that we talk
More of you I see
Hands on the clock
My one enemy
God please, stay right here, do not disappear

Final Thoughts:
Keep writing!
69
69
Review of Road Rage  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo und guten morgen. Ich bin Jessica. Hello and good morning; I am Jessica and I will be reviewing Road Rage.

First Impressions:
At first I was wondering why certain phrases were bold, but then I saw. I think the bold words are the impetus for why this poem flows well and tells a story very common to most Americans. I really like the flow and rhyme scheme. I like the aa/bb/a pattern and I think it adds to the swiftness of the impulsiveness of what contributes to road rage. I have to say this is my favorite part:

"Yes, I may go to jail, but it’s worth it.
There’s not a chance in hell they will acquit.
I lowered my foot, giving it the gas,
And rammed my SUV right up his ass.
Mentally, I am definitely unfit."

It made me chuckle a bit. I don't drive, but it makes me wonder if road ragers really think about that after the incident. As I thought that, I came to this part to answer my question:
"Yes, I may go to jail, but it’s worth it.
The combined weight caused the guard rail to split.
Smug, rich bastard thought he owned the whole road,
His last thought as his car began to explode.
Yes, but I’m not sorry an itsy bit."

Aww, that totally sums up road rage well and sums up your poem well too.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, but it might help you to go back and proofread to make sure you are conveying what you want to convey.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
A very interesting look at road rage, I enjoyed the lyrical flow. Keep up the good work and write on!

Guten tag!

70
70
Review of Silent Rain  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo and guten abend. Ich bin (I am) Jessica and I'll be reviewing Silent Rain.

First Impressions:
I hate to rain on your parade, but this poem is a bit lengthy. It almost seems like it could be a prose story. This is only my opinion, but I am going to give you a suggestion of how you might want to break it up.

(Drip. Drip.)
What is that sound? I can’t remember...
(Drip. Drip.)
What am I doing?
Why am I crouching here...
(Drip. Drip.)
What’s going on? Who am I...
(Drip. Drip.)
I lift my hands up.
They are trembling,
stained with dirt
(cross out)as if they (keep)haven’t been washed for days.
(Drip. Drip.)
I’m cold... So very cold...
My face is numb. The touch
Oh that touch--
an assurance myself it is still there.
It is slick, covered in water...
(Drip. Drip.)
There is a steady gnawing in my chest,
and I realize that I can’t remember the last time I ate.
I reach down and give my stomach a little hug,
to tell it that I understand...
(Drip. Drip.)

Maybe when you feel better, it might be best to go over this and see where you can improve. Sometimes it's great to have the vertebrae and spine of what you want to convey, but needs to go through the whole revision process to give it body. Only my opinion of course.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanics. When you go back to rewrite, watch out for them.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Writing is a process and can be a long one. Never give up and write on!
71
71
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Guten abend/صباح الخير/ Good Evening! I am Jessica and I will be reviewing Quotes Contest Entries.

First Impressions:
Really good quotes. What are the rules of this contest? Just making them up off the top of your head? Very cool and I like how creative it is.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Good luck and please check out my piece:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1835846 by Not Available.
!
72
72
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo und guten morgen! احلان و سبح الخير! Ich bin Jessica/ انا جسسيكا and I'll be reviewing The Secret Heartbeat.

First Impressions:
This isn't a bad start to a poem, but it needs some more in terms of imagery and feeling. I think the rhyming is good, but in some lines the rhyme seems forced. A poem doesn't have to rhyme to be good. I think if you want to start classes, this is a poem we might want to look at more in depth and see what can be changed and if the format should be changed. Overall, this isn't a bad poem and it's a good start.

Mechanics:
Please remember these are only MY opinions and feel free to disregard if you want.

>>Now he’s home and no one see’s

they should have seen, they should have spoken,

They let the light fall from the sky

they led him here, that’s why they cry.



A soft haired woman, golden curls

Waited long, a dreadful time.

She oversees his darkest sleep

Her secret, a heartbeat inside she keeps



So much talk to stop the pain

They finally see dying in vain

And though they see the bloody stain

Their cold dark silence will still reign<<


Now he’s home and no one sees

they should have seen, they should have spoken (Uhhh... you break rhyming... you can't have a poem that starts and continues one way [rhyming] and break it...),

They let the light fall from the sky (Hmm... I'd reword just because this sounds a bit odd)

they led him here, that’s why they cry.



A soft haired woman with golden curls

Waited a long and dreadful time (again, rhyme is broken).

She oversees his darkest sleep

Her secret, a heartbeat inside she keeps



So much talk to stop the pain

They finally see dying in vain (reword)

And though they see the bloody stain

Their cold dark silence will still reign (Okay, if he was shot, why is he in bed???)


Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Not a bad start at all. Keep on writing! Guten tag! ما سلام!
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Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo und guten morgen! احلان و صبح الخير! Ich bin Jessica/ اسمي جسسيكا and I will be reviewing CAPITAL CITY - U.S.A..

First Impressions:
What a lovely quiz! I got an 8/10... not bad for not reading that rhyming book on capitals in eleven years (when I was in fourth grade). I think this is a great way to test your knowledge, especially ones trying to get their citizenship in the U.S. This would be a perfect quiz for them to take and see what else they need to study before they go.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors; I loved the humor in some of the choices. Keep up the good work!

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star***Halfstar*

Final Thoughts:
Keep up the good work and write on!

Guten tag! ما سلام! Have a great day!
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Review of A Haiku for You  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo und guten morgen! احلان و صباح الخير! Ich bin Jessica/ اسمي جسسيكا and I'll be reviewing A Haiku for You.

First Impressions:
I'm relatively new to haiku writing and in this writing I have learned if you are going for a more traditional form of haiku, it HAS to be nature related. However, if you go for a more modern a haiku, you don't have to stay in the 17 syllable format and it can be about anything. I wasn't a big of this haiku because you're trying to fit a really big subject into three lines. Also, the way you sugar coat things doesn't show a hatred of an ex, but a nonchalance until the end. I would suggest show an anger from the beginning and don't keep yourself limited to 17 syllables. Message peach for more info, he's the haiku master.

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, however, it doesn't hurt to go back and proofread.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
Good luck in the revision and keep writing haiku! It's a challenge at first, but once you keep writing more, the haiku becomes a beautiful format and very fun to write! Guten tag! ما سلامة!

Check out my New Year Resolution:

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Review of A Star's Secret.  
Review by Future Mrs. B
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo und guten nachmittag. Ich bin Jessica and I will be reviewing A Star's Secret.

First Impressions:
Well, this was interesting, though you gave it away before I even read it. At least as I was always taught in my creative writing classes and what I teach my students, don't tell your readers what you're writing about it... show them through the actions so they can see for themselves. To me, this seemed more like the star's perspective, so I'd keep it at a star rather than a human. If you do want to do both, make it from a teen girl's perspective... it would sound a lot more real. For example:

>>…I mean, I know it would take about a million light years for him to notice me, and even if he did it would be too late…<<

I'd suggest making it sound this way, it would be neutral, but the reader would know this thing has feelings. Maybe something like, I know, I know, it would take a million light years for my love to reach his luminous, bright eyes and twinkling body and even when he did notice my twinkle it would be too late.

I liked this line though: …I flicker envious gazes and in my mind’s eye I imagine him exploding, his dusty ashes creating a black hole that she just can’t evade, and then, only then, do I no longer have to face their passionate heat again...

Mechanics:
I found no mechanical errors, but proofreading it again just to make sure it is up to what you want it to sound like would be advised.

Rating:
*Star***Star***Star***Star*

Final Thoughts:
This is a very nice start. As I said above, I think if you clean it up a bit and change the title to A Secret, the readers will enjoy it more. Just don't forget the vivid imagery and REMEMBER SHOW NOT TELL!!!

Guten tag!
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