Hallo and good afternoon! My name is Jessica and I'll be reviewing That's you.
First Impressions:
I thought this was a well written poem that expresses longing and loss all at once. It's hard not to feel this in our lifetime. I love the passion and emotion of this piece and it hit me right in the heart. However, I found places where it was a little wordy and punctuation might help it. Also, I noticed in stanza 3, the rhyming doesn't match the other stanzas. You might want to check that,
Mechanics:
Remember, these are only MY opinion, feel free to regard or disregard them.
That’s you <--- I would bolden the title, underline is optional
What if I told you love can be deathly unkind,
Searching for someone whom you may never find,
Further falling into a rut to this daily grind,
Constantly having someone consuming your soul's mind,
I’ve given frequent thought to the mornings that we share,
Your laugh and smile; I get so lost inside your stare,
I see you through a tunnel; this darkness needs a flare,
Just a shimmer of light signaling that you might care,
As I walk this earth completely lost in dream,
Will there be a way to maybe see this through, <---- This whole stanza doesn't match the rest.
I can’t contain myself I really want to scream,
It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you,
Times hands are moving{/c:red}, they’re quickly passing by,
The sun is setting on the story of you and I,
Although without a hello can you have a goodbye,
If I said I didn’t want more would it be a lie,
The future is very difficult to forecast,
Nothing constructed in today is built to last,
Maybe one day I will smile looking on the past,
Ten years is forever, yet it vanishes so fast,
As I walk this earth, completely lost in dream,
Will there be a way to maybe see this through?
I can’t contain myself, I really want to scream,
It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you.
Of course, I would suggest reading over it again to make sure you're conveying all you want to convey.
Rating
***
Final Thoughts
I thought this was a well written piece with a lot of emotion. Keep up the good work and write on!
Please check out my piece:
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