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145 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Roulette  
In affiliation with  
Rated: GC | (4.5)
This your fifth review for your Crusader's package. I have enjoyed looking and reading your work. Overall I found Roulette to be the Darkest of all the short stories I have read in your folders. You made no grammar or spelling errors that I could see. The plot was excellent. The only suggestion I would make is have at least one character hit each of the colors on the wheel. I look forward to reading the rewrites of these stories.

Once Again Excellent Writing. Keep It Up!

[#1700308]
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Review of Ritual  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is the fourth review of your Crusader's package.
Overall: I find the Ritual to be an excellent story. You should continue this story. What happens to Natalie after her turning? Also why to they do the Ritual to begin with? And Josh is he the leader or just the recruiter? Try to answer these questions when you continue this story. As for any error in grammar, spelling or story structure I could find none.

[#1700308]
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Review of The Envelope  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is your third review of the five reviews for your Crusader's package.

I. OVERALL: I love interactive stories. but The Envelope had only one way that the numbers could be. a phone number. I believe that you could have had this story go in three different directions from the start. Then later when the Adrienne character comes onto the scene. You could have split it several ways again. Some Adrienne is bad as she is in the story now. Some she is good. You could even have Vince be her partner in a couple. Plot switch: They used him to figure out the code. As is it is semi an interactive.

[# 1700308]
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Review of The Aftermath  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is your second review for your Crusader's package. I have enjoyed your stories very much and look forward to reading more of your work.
I. OVERALL: I see great things coming from The Aftermath. Again though, I am sadden to see that you start with at the end of the story.

STRENGTHS: Your main character as well as the plot.

WEAKNESSES: Not enough back story.

II. DETAILED ISSUES:

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Main character's development was pretty good. But not so much with David. Was he the one that lead the government there. Also why was she on their list in the first place. She did not seem to feed. How did they know she was a Vampire.

SCENE CREATION: Very good

DIALOGUE FLOW: O.k. though it would have been nice to read her and David or the hunters talking.

PLOT: Excellent

SPELLING: None

PUNCTUATION:None

GRAMMAR: None

MY SUGGESTIONS: Again I urge you to continue with these Characters and plot.
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Review of To the Death  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is part of your Crusader package. I will be doing at least one more myself. There is at least one other Crusader doing your package.

I. OVERALL: I thought To the Death was great as possibly a fourth or fifth novel. The story of these two strong characters could make a very interesting epic series of novels.

STRENGTHS: Both of the characters have very strong personalities. And the ending was also great.

WEAKNESSES: Not enough background work for this to do well on it's own. They are old friends turned bitter rivals. How did they get that way? The earlier novels would explain the stealing and their relationship better.

PLOT: Very good plot.

SPELLING: No spelling problems that I could see.

PUNCTUATION: No problem in this area either.

GRAMMAR: None that I could tell in my reading.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Continue with this work by going back. It is possible to get at least 14 to 16 books with these two wonderful characters. One of how they met and became friends and then rivals,One for each of the twelve kingdoms that had things taken, One tell of how he got to the lair, this one of the battle, One for them meeting again after this one. These are not characters that should have been shelved.
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In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I see great potential here. Hope this is not the first page, though it could be. You could in Nov. talk about why the leader don't what Thess in the gang. Also talk about how Thess and Niklos met and became friends. What about the family how do they feel about him joining the gang? Tell of a few times that he was picked on. Also talk about the connection between the lady and the swords. I would also talk about why the ruler fears the swords. The mage should also be talk about more. Is he just there because he was ordered or is there another reason? If you do this right, with the notes you got here; you will hit 50,000 words easily. Hope this helps? I hope all the teams hit our marks?
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Review of Pandora's Box  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story. I think you ended too soon, you could have used it to teach a moral. Example is that the girl stole from her friends to get the box only to find it empty. What happens when she goes back to confront the merchant? What happens when her friends find out she stole from them? You can take this beginning in so many different directions. See where it takes you; you might be amazed at what you end up with. Good Luck and Happy Travels.
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Review of Time Turned  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very good. I only gave it a 3.5 because it is a good beginning to an even better story maybe even a novel. Think (TIME TURNER).The other problem is Fred has got kids, when did he get married?If it was at the end of the 5th book then the kids would be 1 and ahalf and maybe 6 months not enough time to have a third on the way.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting, but it reads as unfinished(I am left wondering).1) Who the call was from? 2) Did he ever get to talk to his son? 3) What did the lady really want? If this is all of the story then I would have to lower my rating to 3.0, but if this is only the beginning as I guess it is by the way you ended it then I would give it a rating of 5.0. The reason I gave it 4.5 is because I am unsure. Also look at your review request; I think you meant black and white?
This piece could became a great story or even a book, keep at it. And good luck
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Rated: E | (5.0)
1 Word Excellent. I have a piece named "About Us" #1653669 tell me what you think.About Hank how about writing more adventures with him in them. He seems to be God's Helper of Time. Just a thought but I for 1 would love to read more about him and Mr. Marzetti too.
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Review of A Weaker Vessel  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think it was very good. I don't give 5 stars very often but you deserved it. Keep writing. And don't let the ratings worry you. Always Remember That They're Learning Too; so don't think that if they gave you 2.5 stars that they know something that you don't rather read what they wrote and see if you can use thier comments to help improve your writing. That is what I do. ;).
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Rated: E | (4.5)
It was very interesting.But I did find a few errors.1)In the line that starts with"Is their a book..."It should read"Is there a book..."2) A few lines down, I found a couple of problems:"search though books"="search though the books"&"cam"="came".You have a very good story here if you could fix these errors and look for the other couple of errors that I saw below those.I look forward to reading the rewrite & the rest of the story as you get each chapter done.Also try to tell which Doctor he is 12-15.He can go anymore than that do to him getting younger each time with #12 being either 16,18,or 19.The last part confused me.Is Mrs.Jamison actually Taylor?Look at that part too.I am a big fan of Doctor Who(60-2010).
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Only one thing to say : Make it harder and longer by using all the Doctors from the 60-now. you could also use thier helpers, thier enemies, and the places they have traveled. It would teach people alot and catch them up. Other then that excellent.2*Thumbsup*.
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Review of As the Moon Wanes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great poem. I could feel the grand pa's affection for the children. A little long though but I like that.Just don't say short because some people might think it is under ten lines long. but other than that I find nothing wrong with it. It reminded me of times when I would sit and listen to my grandfather tell me stories. So I give you 2 *Thumbsup*.
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Review of Out of Order  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey,I know how writer's block feels. I had a few myself so I do feel this poem. You did a great job. Only 1 item I think will be of help to you. And that is to look at section 3 last line and maybe change will to way.I feels right.Read it both and go with your gut. I give you 2*Thumbsup*.Also look for a contest you can enter it in, if you haven't already that is.
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Review of Mellow  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a great poem.The only 2 things I see that could be changed is 1) all wierd sound words (zip-a-de-do-da),They delay the reader and break the flow of the poem.So see where you can cut back on them. 2) In line 11 about the tornado if you change the word some to none it don't hurt the meaning but sounds better. The other thing you could do is use Tags like what I did here. They're fun and really help you with getting feeling across. Try to use them in place of some of the wierd sound words. But otherwise it was a great poem and I look forward to reading the next one.*Thumbsup* Keep up the good work.
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Review of Wild Card Review  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good. Please give a little more information on the card system. Like when it says pick a card are you meant to pick only from the five cards that are shown or can you insert your name in a slot by a vacant card number? 2) The id name could you go into more detail about how to do that for those who are just learning about how to do tags, like me.3)The pictures how do you get them? Thier cool.
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Review of An Inspiration  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Angel not Angle but otherwise not bad.would have like to know about her problem as well as your understanding of it.
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