|What's up my man how are you. Been awhile since I last read your work and I'm reminded of your unique writing style. Here in this piece, we find a man blessed or cursed with a unique ability and is on the hunt. He meets his arch enemy and attempts to bring him down only to find himself in another predicament. We then switch to another scene where we meet a ruthless queen who, from what i've read, is tracking the main character. Afterward, we return to Adrian who finds himself protecting a young girl and it concludes shortly afterward.
First let me appreciate the unique premise of this short opening. Half angel and half demon; a really cool idea. I also like where things start. Already, we have a wicked vampire and a ruthless vampire queen and a Main who'll struggle controlling his power. A great start.
Now to the negative feedback. When it comes to present tense writing, you have to be aware of repeating sentence structure which can make for a difficult reading experience. Don't just use he says or she wants. Use gerunds, prepositional phrases, longer sentences ect. For instance.
He crouches behind a garbage cart waiting to see what he's going to do to her. Its cold this evening there's a storm coming in from the ocean he can see that she has Goosebumps, or was it just fear? In any case, Adrian wants to catch him in the act; he wants to make sure he's a bloodsucker before he kills him. It's the good in him shinning through.
Smelling rotten bananas and urine behind a garbage cart in an alley, Adrien waits as the cold evening chills his his hands and feet. Distant thunder rumble in the sky and light droplets pats his raincoat. Despite his misgivings about waiting in the cold rain, he couldn't miss this opportunity as this would be only chance he would catch him in the act. One wrong step, and its over.
See what I did there? I varied up the sentences and left out some key information to keep things interesting. You don't want to give everything away in the first paragraph you want to keep the reader guessing. Why is he waiting in the cold rain? Who is he following and what he'll do once he finds him? Don't give the main course right away just give them crumbs that leads to the main course.
Another bit. Although I did enjoy the vampire queen bit, I felt that the scene was introduced too early. Give either your main or your villain the first few pages of your story to get your readers a chance to absorb this new world of yours.
One last thing, search through your story and find places where there's too much telling and try to expand on those. For example.
Pleasure themselves need to be explained. What were they doing to pleasure themselves?
Oh and one thing about dialogue. When you do dialogue, try to have a character talk about their primary outlook on life. What do they want, what do they desire, goals ect. What are her OPINIONS. The most important part of characterization opinions if properly used, you wouldn't need too much explanation.
That's all I have today. I enjoyed this piece and with a little work, can become a masterpiece. Keep it up my man and have a blessed day