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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What's happening? Long time no see and it's good to see you're still pushing onward with your writing. Again this is another piece that left me speechless. A girl with a demon falling in love with a boy with an angel. The chemistry between them is perfect as well as the feelings developed between them. The set up is nice. You built the character up from scratch at the beginning detailing her experiences with the demon and developed a strong bond between the two before sending her to high school. Its easy and fun to read with well developed characters and the dialogue is spot on. Congrats man you got yourself another badge.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The first section is a bit of a problem for me. What you tried to do is cram dozens of information right at the start of a fight scene and that never works in stories. When a battle begins, the reader must already know who's involved and what's at stake and that requires some build up in previous chapters. I didn't know too much about the two wolves that are fighting so you tried to cram that in the first paragraph. Its better for her to watch duels and experiments before hand before we get to these two so we have an idea what she's trying to do. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea, but I feel this section needs more work. As for the fight scene itself, it is a little flat as I didn't know who the characters were and you stopped to commentate on the battle itself. Never do this. Just show the scene itself and let the reader understand what's happening. Example.

Both beasts charge at each other and engaged in a bitter fight to the death. The alpha leaps at the other with its claws outstretched, but the newcomer sides steps allowing its opponent to stagger pass it. The fresh werewolf then leap on its opponents back, opens it maw wide revealing its jagged teeth and bite hard on its neck.

No need to explain what's happening just simply show.

The next section however is almost perfect in this regard. I already know who Demitrium is. I already know what happened to him, I know what he's been set out to do. Because of all the prep work you put into his development and goals, writing the fight scene was easier and far more entertaining than the first section. Remember prep your characters and goals and your fight scenes will practically write themselves.


Final suggestions.

The chains magically release.Focus more on showing.

This wolf was out for blood. Commentary not needed.

I can see where this is going with the serum plot. I'm curious to see how this play out.

Thanks for sharing this story with me. I hope the input helps as I want to see you thrive man. Keep it up. I'm here whenever you want me to read your work.



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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What's going on man. Octavious here with another review of Lost Wings Chapter 3. Lets dive in. This chapter continues to follow the Bad Guy and the Main Character. Let me start with a personal criticism I have of the first section. And by the first section, I mean the part where its indicated that Roul sucked blood from the men's genitals. Out of all the scenes i've read this was a little too obscene for me. Don't take it the wrong way and I don't think you need it to establish Raul as a evil villan. The fact that he turned that guy into one of his minions AND used his girlfriend to feed him AND the fact he killed his own son, is more than enough to make him sinister. Lets move on. Now what is interesting is the drug that's mentioned in the first section of the story and I'm curious as how it will play out. The bar fight scene needs alittle more description though I do like where its placed. You just have to write what you would do if you were in a bar fight with someone.


In the next part, we follow the young woman. I don't know what to say about her scene, but I'll say its unique although a little too convenient. That should've been a battle scene where she feeds on him and gains her ability. Have her earn it rather than it be given to her.

Adrien's scenes are pretty straight forward no issues here as far as I can tell. Everything he does makes sense.

Poor Demitrium. I often wonder if he regrets his life now that he's been turned into an vampire and used by his master. I'm watching him.

You asked me how to do fight scenes. In my opinion the fight scenes alone are not what makes good fight scenes. Sure, you can have it as detailed as you can possibly can, but if the reason why someone is fighting is weak then the fight scene will be weak to the reader no mater how detailed it is. Focus more on building on your character motivations and their frustrations, their fears, pleasures, ambitions and make sure your antagonist or protagonist stands in their way. When you've mastered the reason why people fight, every fight scene you write will be epic interesting and engaging.

Ok from what i've read, you're setting up multiple arcs within this story. I can dig that. It keeps things interesting while we get to dive into the minds in each person which is great. The only way this can fall apart is these arcs need to collide back into a single plot point. You're headed in the right direction with this but you need to bring everything together, which can be hard to do, but so far, I like it. Its clear to read and I can follow everyone. I'm curious in seeing your next chapter.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What's going on man. Its been awhile since I last read your work so I had to read the previous chapter to catch up. Before I give you my thoughts i'm going to highlight a few lines that I feel you should describe in more detail.

She grabbed a leg and started eating it. After the second swallow she started vomiting. Hope wipes her mouth and takes a few more bites of the raw rabbit with the same results.

He shows her where the arteries are and how to feed efficiently and she drinks the deer's blood.

Now that is out of the way, there isn't much for me to say. Here you have the MC who finds an innocent girl turned vampire who wants to teach it the ways of righteousness. We also find out more about the MC who's mother is an angel and father a vampire...with issues that not yet seen but intriguing nonetheless. Then from there we shift to the villian from the previous chapter and we see him carefully plan his next move as he preys on more victims. Lastly we see a sadistic woman at work as she is preparing someone to do her bidding as well.

In this chapter, three characters are building subordinates each with their own unique reasons and methods of raising them. Its an awesome idea and I loved how its presented in this chapter. The plot is flowing along nicely and we can see character motivation and plot.

You have a banger here man I enjoyed reading this chapter send me the next one and i'll review it as well. Keep writing and i'll keep reading. You're motivating me now lol.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello this is octavious with a review of Pony life. Now please understand that i'm not a My Little Pony fan nor did I watch any of the shows so please take this review with a grain of salt. Based on reading this piece, this seems to be a more...serious story given that the antagonist comes off like a rude troll and what it takes for him to come to his senses is the threat of physical harm. I'm not sure if this is the type of thing My little Pony is known for, then I probably would've given it a chance.

This is primarily a dialogue piece with minimum action taking place, but the writing is solid and I did enjoy the read. Though the only characters that stood out to me, was the rude troll and the pony that grew in size. I laughed when Draven's attitude changes when he sees someone capable of stomping him into the ground. Besides the minor issues I had, I enjoyed the short read and hope to continue with the series. Thank you for writing.
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Review of Poison Chapter 7  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Raven sorry for the late reply, was busy with work. This chapter runs through events rather swiftly with the elves running into spiders at the start of the paragraph. I like the progression so far and the sacrifice, though it did fall a little flat for me as I'm not well acquainted with your characters. Similar to the dark elf, more words are needed to give your characters a sense of personality. Currently the female Dark elf stands out the most and is arguably the greatest and unique female antagonist I've ever read.

What I reccomend, is more dialogue between each character to better enchance their personality. Have them talk about their beliefs, opinions backround ect. Thank you for writing this piece. Keep writing and keep reading.
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Review of Lost Wings  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
What's up my man how are you. Been awhile since I last read your work and I'm reminded of your unique writing style. Here in this piece, we find a man blessed or cursed with a unique ability and is on the hunt. He meets his arch enemy and attempts to bring him down only to find himself in another predicament. We then switch to another scene where we meet a ruthless queen who, from what i've read, is tracking the main character. Afterward, we return to Adrian who finds himself protecting a young girl and it concludes shortly afterward.

First let me appreciate the unique premise of this short opening. Half angel and half demon; a really cool idea. I also like where things start. Already, we have a wicked vampire and a ruthless vampire queen and a Main who'll struggle controlling his power. A great start.

Now to the negative feedback. When it comes to present tense writing, you have to be aware of repeating sentence structure which can make for a difficult reading experience. Don't just use he says or she wants. Use gerunds, prepositional phrases, longer sentences ect. For instance.

He crouches behind a garbage cart waiting to see what he's going to do to her. Its cold this evening there's a storm coming in from the ocean he can see that she has Goosebumps, or was it just fear? In any case, Adrian wants to catch him in the act; he wants to make sure he's a bloodsucker before he kills him. It's the good in him shinning through.

Instead:

Smelling rotten bananas and urine behind a garbage cart in an alley, Adrien waits as the cold evening chills his his hands and feet. Distant thunder rumble in the sky and light droplets pats his raincoat. Despite his misgivings about waiting in the cold rain, he couldn't miss this opportunity as this would be only chance he would catch him in the act. One wrong step, and its over.

See what I did there? I varied up the sentences and left out some key information to keep things interesting. You don't want to give everything away in the first paragraph you want to keep the reader guessing. Why is he waiting in the cold rain? Who is he following and what he'll do once he finds him? Don't give the main course right away just give them crumbs that leads to the main course.

Another bit. Although I did enjoy the vampire queen bit, I felt that the scene was introduced too early. Give either your main or your villain the first few pages of your story to get your readers a chance to absorb this new world of yours.

One last thing, search through your story and find places where there's too much telling and try to expand on those. For example.

Pleasure themselves need to be explained. What were they doing to pleasure themselves?

Oh and one thing about dialogue. When you do dialogue, try to have a character talk about their primary outlook on life. What do they want, what do they desire, goals ect. What are her OPINIONS. The most important part of characterization opinions if properly used, you wouldn't need too much explanation.

That's all I have today. I enjoyed this piece and with a little work, can become a masterpiece. Keep it up my man and have a blessed day

8
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Why did you stop writing this? Loved the story thus far. Opals' development is coming on nicely and you've included some decent descriptions. Dialogue is strong as well. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
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Review of Oneka: Chapter 3  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Going straight into this. I do enjoy the progression here. I often frown upon time skips as most don't established their characters well enough to justify one but here it works well as it introduces the main character about to make 20. I love the relationship between father and daughter and you've added a little extra on the side. I love it. The fight scene here is very unique filled with cool ideas which made for an very exiting read. Cool can't wait to read the next chapter.
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Review of Oneka: Chapter 2  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello again. Octavious here for a review of chapter 2 of Oneka. Here, we dive a little more into the villain's part of this story and their main purpose. Excellent progression and we find out some of the rules of the youkai in this world. The names throw me off a bit as they are names from some famous people in Japanese history and video games but I was intrigued from beginning to end. Care for another round?
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Review of Oneka: Chapter 1  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there this is Octavious/Donald for a review of Oneka chapter 1. First let me just say that I have a fondness of eastern stories and are often the inspiration behind my stories so I came into this eager to read something cool. Judging by the way things fared here, I take it that this is a backstory or origin chapter for the main protagonist Oneka. Story flowed pretty well and setting is on point.

The fight scenes was a little rough to read though as it was difficult to picture in my head. Other than that, I liked how things started and will read the next chapter. Until then, keep writing and I'll keep reading.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
What's going on my man how are things? Here for a review of the young fairy and the sprite. Here we have a scene that starts off with a spell that has all of the villages frozen like statues. She realizes that an very important book has gone missing and risks it all to get it back.

I'm going to stop the summary right there to avoid spoilers towards the end. Couple of things I appreciate. I appreciate the theme of the story. Show courage and stand when no one else can. An awesom theme that I would get behind any day. I like how things start off with the people being frozen it caught me wondering.

Now for the difficult part of this review. This story felt rushed to me. We go from one point in the story straight into another at a very fast pace and there are multiple instances of telling vs showing. Example:

She puts a resist magic spell from both books on herself. Here is where i'm talking about. Instead:

She clapped her heels together, closed her eyes. Both books burst open as pages flap directly to the desired spell. Her eyes spring open just as she shouts, "RESIST MAGIC" Then a light blue disk appears above her head and descends enveloping her body in a light blue sheet of magic that quickly fades away.

Have a little fun with your story remember its not the overall story that makes a difference, the devils in the details as they say. Draw out each sentence and ask yourself: is there a way I can make this sentence more dynamic than it is. Each sentence is supposed to invoke an image inside the reader's mind and only with detailed sentences and wording is where you can achive that. One way I do it is to look at someone or your significant other and write everything she does. The twist in her walk, the flick in his collar or the twitch in a persons hand. It all adds up.

While I do feel that this is a good piece with great themes and characters, it still needs work for this story truly come alive. I will be here to help if needed.

Best Wishes
Octavious
Keep Reading and I'll keep writing.


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Review of Earthbound  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good day sir how are you today? Sorry for the late response as life always has me tied up but i'm here for a review of Earthbound. Reading this story gave me somewhat of an insight to your life. I guess you can say its a fantasy autobiography lol. But in all seriousness, I like reading stories like these cause it presents the struggles of the person behind the stories. In this story its depicts a individual on his day to day grind until he has an existential crisis via a free spirited companion.

I like how you go about the inner workings of the bull's mind. His thoughts while doing the same tasks everyday and his infatuation with the bird that comes and goes in his life.

After some convincing, the bull finally finds his freedom and now he escapes into the same place as the bird. This is the part where I felt where the author inserts his own experience in this story. Things arn't what they seem when he leaves his barn and it quickly realizes that his freedom costs him his protection. This leads to a dynamic chase scene where it ends on a cliffhanger.

To be honest I've read this story a few days ago and I wanted to think on how I felt about it. I have a strong feeling that things aren't going to work out as well for the unlikely couple based on the direction this story is going. While I see the infatuation between the two, there is little they understand about each other. Of course this is only the first chapter so I'm just guessing at this point. Hit me up if you upload the next chapter. I'll be here to read it. Good Job

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
Best Wishes Octavious
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What's going on my man. Long time no see...or review lol. I was writing and decided to drop by and have another gander at your neat work. Ofcourse, you did not disappoint. Here, we have a paraplegic who finds himself in the hands of a mad scientist who's experimenting with theoretical physics of time travel. Awesome stuff. The constant misfortune and helplessness in the man experiences makes me feel very uncomfortable. Good stuff. I expect nothing less.

On a side note how are things? Are pursuing an career in writing? Are you releasing any new books soon if so let me know I would love to read them. Have a wonderful night.
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Review of Stranded  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Raven long time no see. How are you? This is Octavious here with a review of stranded chapter 1. Now with novels there's a certain formula chapters need to operate in order for them to be chapters. Exposition, Rising action, climax, falling action and resolution. In chapter one this just seems like the exposition. Chapters need to have all elements of a story in one chapter alone otherwise you'll be better off writing a short story.

Based on what I've read witch is pretty short, Is your character given a job to repair a vehicle. Good job on setting her up as an engineer working with another engineer and I do appreciate where your going though I feel more is required to flesh things out. Introduce a conflict to your characters in the first chapter and you'll have something. I know you'll introduce it in the next chapter, but I feel you'll be better off making all just one chapter.

P.S. Formatting is very important when introducing your work for others to review. I am very merciful when it comes to these issues but you'll need feedback from other reviewers to get a better idea of where you need to improve. For that to happen you'll need to put some spaces between your line of dialogue and indent your paragraphs. Punctuation seems fine to me. I'm glad you're back writing again I can't wait to see what happens next.
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Review of Incursion  
for entry "Chapter 15: Assault
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
What's happening man how are things? Back for another review of incursion. Sorry for the long wait for this review. I was caught up with all the crazyness going on. I'm glad your still going with this despite everything going on. Writers need to write no matter what's happening.

Alright, Here Knight and his team along with the Canadian army launch an attack against the prison camp to free the captives. Things go fairly well albeit a few injure here and there and they escape.

One thing I've noticed when reading this piece is that you wrote from the perspective of the villain as they engage Knight towards the end. Great job there as it did show the skills of Knight far better than if you written it from Knights perspective. Almost makes him look god-like lol. The writing flowed really well too as I didn't stop to take a break.

One criticism I have though is what I talked about in the previous chapter of your heroes being overpowered or villains too weak. But other than that, great job. Keep posting chapters and i'll sweep in with another review man. Keep it up.
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Review of Incursion  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
Quickly stepping to the soldier’s left side to avoid being in the line of fire of his rising M4 carbine, I swiftly jabbed the tip of my pistol’s suppressor hard against his eye, successfully stunning him long enough for me to slip my free left hand between his outstretched arms to grab at the lower half of his face. At the same time, I slid the calf of my left leg against the back of his left leg. Using my calf as a fulcrum to sweep the man’s leg forward, I put part of my weight into shoving his head back and downwards, managing to send him tipping over backwards with force. After his back slammed into the pavement, I quickly pointed my pistol’s muzzle dead center at the soldier’s face and pulled the trigger once.

OK this is a whole paragraph describing an action being done to a nameless soldier. Action scenes need to be short, sweet and should flow like water. This is how I would rewrite it.

I grabbed his extended arm yanked him towards me and planted my hand firmly on his face. With a swift sweep of the calf and a firm push on his face, his head smashed onto the pavement, dazing the unsuspecting guard.

A lot shorter and better flow. You can do this with both tense btw.

Sup Zen sorry for the way I started this off. I wanted to get that part out of the way before I got to the meat of this story. Here, Knight infiltrates the hospital.

Now as memory serves me right, he infiltrated this hospital before. One question that comes to mind is why the laxed security? I mean the guards are there but i'm quite sure they would've noticed the missing guards from last time and beef up security at this point. something like check each face as soldiers return from patrol. My problem here is the U.S. Army. So far, they've proven to be extremely incompetent and lackadaisical. They don't cover their bases, they don't check for their fallen comrades and even after an attack they continue the same way things were before with lax security measures. Command knows that there have been small attacks all over U.S controlled compounds so they should at least have some measures in place that would make things more difficult for Knight. This can severely hurt your story as incompetent groups can drain the tension out of any scene.

As for the plot though, it continues to get more interesting especially when Knight runs into hornet. The plot thickens and get alittle taste for things to come. Can't wait to read it.

Best Wishes
Octavious.
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Review of Incursion  
for entry "Chapter 13: Unravel
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (4.5)
Hello Zen how are you in these strange times. Here for another review of Incursion. Great work, you've brought out Angel and Knights inner conflicts. Angels past haunts her through nightmares and Knight is confronted with a question he wasn't prepared to answer. I can tell you've put a lot of thought here and it defiantly shows.

As I mentioned this before the first person narrative is being used between two different characters can get confusing at times as I am not sure who I'm supposed to focus on. However I do figure things out when they speak with each other.

So an private organization is backing the US army, I wonder how they'll be able to fend them off? Are they going to get help from another country or discover a new technology. Keep it up This is good.
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Review of Incursion  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Whats up Zen sorry its been awhile. I was very busy this past week with crazy events and such but now i'm here with another review of Incursion. Another decent chapter. I see you've improved with the pacing as well especially with the conversation between Knight and Angel. Easy to read and engaging. From a story perspective, it has a solid twist with the private military group. Very Interesting.

A private military group controlling the U.S. Army. This is some awesome stuff cause it makes me want to know why and how? So you are defiantly getting better at this keep it up. Keep the chapter lengths like this and you shouldn't have problems with gaining more readers to review your novel. That's all I have for now. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

Best Wishes
Octavious
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Review of Incursion  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Sup my man how are you doing during these crazy times? I got nothing to do but sit here and read your work and write this review. Here we finally get to see things from the antagonists perspective. Hornet is well written as a character being this dark fun loving torture guy who speaks with his superior about Angel. Only a little information is given away but its enough to keep a reader guessing. But remember you want have your reader discover something new in the chapters ahead. It doesn't have to be alot just bits and pieces here and there. Other than that, its a good chapter. I see you've poured some work into Trent is he going to be part of this story?

Best Wishes Octavious
Keep Writing and i'll keep reading.
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Review of Incursion  
for entry "Chapter 10: Priors
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Well that went south real fast. Sup my man here for another review of Incursion. Here in this chapter, we backtrack to find out what happened to angel while knight was on his mission. No problems here primarily I was able to follow the story from beginning to end. Great stuff. We finally get to meet hornet and from what it seems, Angel knows who he is. A strange twist. I never knew she had a previous life before all of this started. In fact she was the only shadow that doesn't have a back story. I'm curious to see how it is. The danger she finds herself in was also done pretty well. Though it sucks she couldn't retreive that TACPAD he slid towards her. Maybe not cause he probably rigged the durn thing to find their location.

As always keep with the pacing. It would've been better if you started at the Angels infiltration. Anything previous is just filler. To me at least. Other than that great job on the action, suspense and twist. Can't wait to see whats lying up ahead.

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
Best Wishes Octavious
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Review of Incursion  
for entry "Chapter 9: Signal
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Sup Zen how are you? Octavious here with another review of Incursion. Here is where we see some action mixed in with a little mystery. Great job. Angel and Knight are in two seperate places as we follow knight as he infiltrates a school holding the distress signal. Judging by what you wrote here Knight just walked into an good ol fashion ambush. Can't wait to see how this turns out.

There's one thing I neglected to mention and i've should've told you this before. But when your're doing first person, it's probably a good idea to keep it to one primary character. I sometimes get confused about who's talking and who isn't weather it's Angel or Knight. Set aside from the pacing this chapter is good and full of intrigue. Can't wait until you upload the next chapter. I've pointed out a couple a pacing issues so you know what I mean.

I felt the nearby wall next to the door for a light switch, my fingers making contact with a tiny plastic lever. I flicked it upwards with a quick motion with my index finger, then quickly replaced my hand on the weapon as the lights came on. What I saw next made my breaths cease for a moment.

This is what I mean about pacing. You seem to dedicate alot of sentences to small menial tasks that you can just go over quickly. Just say:I felt the nearby wall and flipped the light switch. The reader already knows how it feels.

I unzipped my backpack and dug out a vanilla-flavoured wafer bar and a bottle of water. I tore open the wafer’s packaging and pushed out half of the bar, then bit into it and let the slightly sweet taste settle in my mouth for a moment.

Just say I unzipped my backpack and tore into a vanilla flavered wafer for lunch. I already know what's happening so keep the small tasks small and dedicate your word count to the important elements.

I hope this helps you in some small way. I'll be here for your next chapter so keep writting and i'll keep reading.

Best Wishes Octavious.
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Review of Incursion  
for entry "Chapter 8: Regrets
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Sup my man. here for another review. Now the previous chapter was really slow and you told me that 8 wasn't going to resonate with me, but you're wrong here. This chapter has some good character develoment here. In fact, it wasn't hard going through the chapter. You even had me form an opinion about a character. And to me thats what make character development interesting. When characters share their innermost beliefs and opinions. Genel comes off as a complicated woman who don't know what she wants. She dates guys just out of being nice while afraid to approach the person she's really in love with.

“Don’t you ever regret not doing something? Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you’d just… tried? Even knowing you may have failed, what if you’d just tried anyway? Do you even have anything like that to regret?”

His response was surprisingly immediate.

“Yes. Plenty of times.”


Best line in the chapter.

Here you have Angel encounter two different people. Genel goes over her personal feeling about her relationship with her ex and Knight's issue with Angel to not put herself nor genel in danger. The plot is interesting as well with the distress signal bit. So yeah good chapter.

Remember a person's opinon is what makes real characters. Good job.
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Review of Incursion  
for entry "Chapter 7: Allies
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
Hello may man. Octavious here for another review of Incursion. In summary, they have a new year's eve breakfast a breifing over what they learned from the interrogation and they set off to find allies to help attack their next target.

Again comming from a plot angle here. I feel this chapter should've been shorter being its a bridge to get to the next parts you want to keep the intrugue going for as long as possible. Even if it means cutting out some scenes. Try to limit your chapters to 4000 to 5000 words thats about ten to eleven pages depending on the spacing. Just like you did in the previous chapter. If you limit your word count, it'll force you to keep only pertinent information needed to move the plot forward. I know this may seem daunting but it's an effective way to keep your story pacing forward.

Reading this chapter and other previous chapter, you move the plot forward then stop for character development then you move on with the plot in that manner. It isn't bad, but limit the amount of time you spend on those character moments. Remember, your characters shine in the heat of adversity. Chapter 0 and 6 were powerful and strong moments for both angel and Ian.

Other than that, its a pretty straightforward chapter.

Her i'll show you things can be shortened or cut out.

Good morning sleepyhead,” Josh chanted in a bit of a singsong voice, giving me a grin. “I see you’re still not ready for the day.”

Good morning sleepyhead is already an endering term one uses with friends and familes. I already had the image of him smiling in my head the minute he said that, so you don't have to have the grin there.


“Sure thing. Give me a moment.”

I retreated to my room and quickly changed into a black long-sleeved shirt and a pair of black leggings. I quickly tied my hair back in a ponytail with an elastic and put on my winter shoes.

This part isn't really needed. I couldn't really imagine her changing in her room. Just say after I changed into some casual wear i exited the room. Let the reader imagine what she's whering on this one. Use description when they enter a new place or if its relevent to your story.

When I exited my room, Genel and Josh were still outside waiting for me. As they promised, the three of us headed over to the mess hall together. When we got to the mess hall however, I noticed that it was empty and that we were missing one person.


Well that's all I have for now I'll read another chapter sometime later.

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
Best Wishes Octavious.


25
25
Review of Incursion  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Hello there sir sorry for the wait but im back for another review. BRAVO! This chapter is freaking perfect. Excellent pacing, I learned something about interrogating, and the tense atmosphere in this scene was jaw dropping.

Here, new information is reviealed about the U.S's presence in Canada as its revealed from the suffering victims. Speaking of suffering, WOW dude you're really good at bringing that out in your work. I had the same reaction when I read chapter 0. You actually had me feel sorry for the captured officers. I hope Genel don't get upset about what happened inside cause man that was extreamly traumatic.

One question comes to mind when the officer revealed the information being tortured out of them. If the plan was disposal for the civillians, why would they need to document them? Nazi internment camps just stamped the jewish people and took all their wealth and resourses. You could've taken it from that angle but i'm sure there's a reason.

Also this scene brings out alot about Knights character. Ruthless and calculating. Which I feel does wonders for the story. I always felt that moving a plot forward makes it easier to flesh out your charachters. Just keep in mind though, this is a tad bit graphic and potential readers may be shocked with this scene. Give them a heads up whenever they decide to read it.

Keep it up.
Best Wishes Octavious.
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