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Review of Oneka: Chapter 3  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Going straight into this. I do enjoy the progression here. I often frown upon time skips as most don't established their characters well enough to justify one but here it works well as it introduces the main character about to make 20. I love the relationship between father and daughter and you've added a little extra on the side. I love it. The fight scene here is very unique filled with cool ideas which made for an very exiting read. Cool can't wait to read the next chapter.
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Review of Oneka: Chapter 2  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello again. Octavious here for a review of chapter 2 of Oneka. Here, we dive a little more into the villain's part of this story and their main purpose. Excellent progression and we find out some of the rules of the youkai in this world. The names throw me off a bit as they are names from some famous people in Japanese history and video games but I was intrigued from beginning to end. Care for another round?
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Review of Oneka: Chapter 1  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there this is Octavious/Donald for a review of Oneka chapter 1. First let me just say that I have a fondness of eastern stories and are often the inspiration behind my stories so I came into this eager to read something cool. Judging by the way things fared here, I take it that this is a backstory or origin chapter for the main protagonist Oneka. Story flowed pretty well and setting is on point.

The fight scenes was a little rough to read though as it was difficult to picture in my head. Other than that, I liked how things started and will read the next chapter. Until then, keep writing and I'll keep reading.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
What's going on my man how are things? Here for a review of the young fairy and the sprite. Here we have a scene that starts off with a spell that has all of the villages frozen like statues. She realizes that an very important book has gone missing and risks it all to get it back.

I'm going to stop the summary right there to avoid spoilers towards the end. Couple of things I appreciate. I appreciate the theme of the story. Show courage and stand when no one else can. An awesom theme that I would get behind any day. I like how things start off with the people being frozen it caught me wondering.

Now for the difficult part of this review. This story felt rushed to me. We go from one point in the story straight into another at a very fast pace and there are multiple instances of telling vs showing. Example:

She puts a resist magic spell from both books on herself. Here is where i'm talking about. Instead:

She clapped her heels together, closed her eyes. Both books burst open as pages flap directly to the desired spell. Her eyes spring open just as she shouts, "RESIST MAGIC" Then a light blue disk appears above her head and descends enveloping her body in a light blue sheet of magic that quickly fades away.

Have a little fun with your story remember its not the overall story that makes a difference, the devils in the details as they say. Draw out each sentence and ask yourself: is there a way I can make this sentence more dynamic than it is. Each sentence is supposed to invoke an image inside the reader's mind and only with detailed sentences and wording is where you can achive that. One way I do it is to look at someone or your significant other and write everything she does. The twist in her walk, the flick in his collar or the twitch in a persons hand. It all adds up.

While I do feel that this is a good piece with great themes and characters, it still needs work for this story truly come alive. I will be here to help if needed.

Best Wishes
Octavious
Keep Reading and I'll keep writing.


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Review of Earthbound  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good day sir how are you today? Sorry for the late response as life always has me tied up but i'm here for a review of Earthbound. Reading this story gave me somewhat of an insight to your life. I guess you can say its a fantasy autobiography lol. But in all seriousness, I like reading stories like these cause it presents the struggles of the person behind the stories. In this story its depicts a individual on his day to day grind until he has an existential crisis via a free spirited companion.

I like how you go about the inner workings of the bull's mind. His thoughts while doing the same tasks everyday and his infatuation with the bird that comes and goes in his life.

After some convincing, the bull finally finds his freedom and now he escapes into the same place as the bird. This is the part where I felt where the author inserts his own experience in this story. Things arn't what they seem when he leaves his barn and it quickly realizes that his freedom costs him his protection. This leads to a dynamic chase scene where it ends on a cliffhanger.

To be honest I've read this story a few days ago and I wanted to think on how I felt about it. I have a strong feeling that things aren't going to work out as well for the unlikely couple based on the direction this story is going. While I see the infatuation between the two, there is little they understand about each other. Of course this is only the first chapter so I'm just guessing at this point. Hit me up if you upload the next chapter. I'll be here to read it. Good Job

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
Best Wishes Octavious
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What's going on my man. Long time no see...or review lol. I was writing and decided to drop by and have another gander at your neat work. Ofcourse, you did not disappoint. Here, we have a paraplegic who finds himself in the hands of a mad scientist who's experimenting with theoretical physics of time travel. Awesome stuff. The constant misfortune and helplessness in the man experiences makes me feel very uncomfortable. Good stuff. I expect nothing less.

On a side note how are things? Are pursuing an career in writing? Are you releasing any new books soon if so let me know I would love to read them. Have a wonderful night.
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Review of Stranded  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Raven long time no see. How are you? This is Octavious here with a review of stranded chapter 1. Now with novels there's a certain formula chapters need to operate in order for them to be chapters. Exposition, Rising action, climax, falling action and resolution. In chapter one this just seems like the exposition. Chapters need to have all elements of a story in one chapter alone otherwise you'll be better off writing a short story.

Based on what I've read witch is pretty short, Is your character given a job to repair a vehicle. Good job on setting her up as an engineer working with another engineer and I do appreciate where your going though I feel more is required to flesh things out. Introduce a conflict to your characters in the first chapter and you'll have something. I know you'll introduce it in the next chapter, but I feel you'll be better off making all just one chapter.

P.S. Formatting is very important when introducing your work for others to review. I am very merciful when it comes to these issues but you'll need feedback from other reviewers to get a better idea of where you need to improve. For that to happen you'll need to put some spaces between your line of dialogue and indent your paragraphs. Punctuation seems fine to me. I'm glad you're back writing again I can't wait to see what happens next.
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Review of Gravedigger  
Review by Octavius
Rated: E | (5.0)
So was it a ghost? Yet another great story by Ray Scriviner. Wish there coul've been more though. Great discriptions by the way. Wish I could nail what you got going on man. Keep it up.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
sup my man its been awhile and I see you've made some serious improvements here in this piece since the last time i've read it. The story flow was smooth and easy to read and you've made some improvements to the fight scenes. Great job. So lets summerize.

Mortogs mom is going forward with the plan pretending that her daughters were missing to throw the council off their trail. While mortog and his crew prepare for a battle a dragon for its magic ring. A few questions ring into mind when reading this piece. If the dwarves can handle the harpies why not just hitch a rid with the dwarves and avoid the dragon all together? Bob's explanation didn't really satisfy me as I was still left without an answer. Nevertheless, they go and face the dragon.

Its here where some funny banter go back and forth. With the creature being able to read your mind. Elves are always going to betray you. That little mind reading trick made me want to kill that friggen thing. And it doesn't say much either just occationally pops into your head without notice. KILL IT WITH FIRE!! lol. So they fight and fight hard. The dragon pulling out all the stops to see these dwarves killed to get the elf and the dwarves doing everything they can to not get killed and managed to kill the monstrosity. (Side note) work on the discription of the dragon it was kinda hard to picture it in my head. Recommend keeping it simple for the dumbest of readers such as myself lol.

Unfourtunatlly two of the dwarves die in battle and their commerad tries to attack mortog but he misses and passes out due to exaustion. They gather their belongings and their dead and it ends searching for the ring.

Now I've been following Beltrons story and it seems quite insignificant to your main characters up to this point. All hes doing right now is following their trail without much progress and he's being tailed by someone else trying to kill him. Reading about him didn't really interst me all that much so I reccommend removing his parts and have him surprise the characters out of nowhere as a villanous obstical. Beltron hasn't interacted with the Dwarves at all and they don't even know he's following them. Just my opinion though. Remember your're the master here.

Now for the fight scenes. They're much better here and you do cut out some of the excess here so good job on that. Remember fight scenes should flow naturally from one movement to the next. Much like the great bruce lee said "be water my friend". And thats it for this review. I'm curious to read your next chapter man. If all is well send me the next chapter I'll be here to read anything you write just let me know and i'm there.

Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Best wishes Octavious.
Keep it up.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sali comments-This is a very good piece about broken trust in relationships-seems personal. I know exactly how you feel. That happened to me before I met my husband.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
WOW, HELL, GREAT. You continue to impress me with your story miss. The way opal pulled him away from the tavern was awesome. You had all his men let their guard down thinking she couldn't reach them. WRONG can't stop me from taking what i want lol. Another great chapter in your story. From one story teller to the next, I urge you to finish this tale first before straightening things out. Edit after you finish your book. And don't be discouraged by the horrible reviews other people will likely give you. You have a story here and it needs to be told. Now onto the more technical and the boring bits of this review.

I am still an armature myself so I'm only offering you what I've learned. Consider these tips.

When you decide to do your edits separate your dialogue from your narration. It makes things much easier to read. And with the exception for inner thoughts, all dialogue goes into parenthesis.

Passive voice sentences. I can't give you a definite definition but i'll show you an example in this piece.

In front of her she had a cauldron.

Just say a Cauldron sat in front of her as she stared down into the green boiling mist inside. Makes for a more impact picture.

I guess he needed it after worrying about you so much,” Paolo said looking over at the red haired elf.
“Perhaps,” he answered.

You need a scene break here.

Elwith was lost deep in sleep but Opal entered into his room, she sat on the edge of his bed she ran her slender fingers through his thick locks. “You thought you could cheat me!” she laughed and dragged her clawed fingers down his chest.

One last thing.

Being that this is a fantasy story, description would definatly help in this piece. You go through some lengths at times but adding a little more will help with the mood of your story. But don't be to broken up by that cause I can feel the dark tone oozing from your piece already. So adding more description will bring it to a whole new level.

Awesome read Keep me posted for your next chapter.

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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Powerful poem, don't usually do poems but my wife insisted I get some culture lol! Actually its funny, i was discussing this issue with her today about these young ladies. They make some crazy decisions on who to be with and no lie, men don't make it better either, especially when we leave her to raise the kids alone. I want to be there for my daughters so that they won't go down this path. They still can but at least i want to be there to talk them out the nonsense, you know what I mean?
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Review of Chrysalis  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Octavious here commenting on your newest piece lol. My my I have to say you have crafted a very dark individual. Struggling with himself and his dark thoughts and you leave it open in the end on which choice he has to make. My guess he takes the murder rout or suicide either way good read.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm glad you re-did this one as I fully understand her frustration. Living like outcasts because of something her son did all those years ago. The shop closure is an effective way to give conflict to your character.

She had decided that he would have to learn the hard way that she was just a gold digging little bitch!

Wow I felt that one lol.

Ok, here i'm just going to give you an objective view point. One question I have Mortogs supposed girlfriend. If he's honor less, why is she dating him? I know he's a skilled warrior but you say she's dating him for popularity's sake. I may be thinking it wrong but from what i'm reading Darcy and her whole family are stains on society. Ofcourse the people around them probably hate the king just as much as she does so its probably more complicated than what i'm thinking.

One more thing to consider, I haven't read the next chapter yet but based on what happens in the future in your story, I would recommend having a argument with her husband. Its a good set up for what happens later on. Or if you don't want to, you can have him killed off by the king somehow. Either way this is a good piece. Keep it up man.
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Review of Poison Chapter 4  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Raven I'm glad you're continuing with the story. As story tellers, the first priority of starting a novel is finishing it. Nothing else matters. We can fix style presentation and Grammer but you can't fix something that's not finished. I'll offer some tips to help craft your imagination.

Rysaras kept Rycon in front of me at all times.
I noticed you write this story in third person. The sentence above is first person stick to third. Probably an accident though. I loved the silence part where the elf had to write. I love this dark queen of yours. Good job. It has flaws mind you, but you kept me engaged all the way through. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. Oh and please email me back when you get another chapter up so I can give you a speedy response.

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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello stabbyserpent hope the day finds you well. You definitely have a knack for uncanny monsters. I'll read more as I have a monster novel floating around my head. Roach combined with a rat. Nightmare indeed sounds like a radiation freak lol. If you add a snake to it I would have stopped reading lol. Great job sir.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You're too tall my man lol. I see you've been sprucing up your portfolio. Aiming high I see. I'm with ya man keep up the good work.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ok, pro tip whenever you switch scenes always use ### between your paragraphs that way you can let the reader know you are switching scenes. For example:

She's still here!" he exclaimed dismounting his horse. "Rykon move!" he yelled, a diseased horde consisting of a few boars, forest deer and wolves came charging at the two, the wolves tore Rykon from his horse and the boars and forest deer circled Rysaras splitting him up fromhis brother, Rykon was on the ground and a wolf on his chest.

###

Paolo had mixed serums and potions to help Elwith but still the captain suffered, the infection had got worse, half the length of his knee length hair was almost black. His eyes had dulled and his veins had turned an even darker shade of black, he was unconscious most of the time. That was when Paolo decided to call upon his paladin powers, he crossed oer his legs, rested his hands on his knees and began to meditate calling upon the light. "I won't lose you captain." He said, his whole being began to light up and his hair began to blow in a gentle breeze, and his hands began to glow.

Rysaras stood in the middle of the woods his sword stabbed into the dirt, he was panting and his limbs were shaking, he was covered in blood from head to toe, his gaze was on the ground, Rykon lay not far from him, he too covered in blood, bite marks lined his chest, arms and legs. Rysaras soon found his strength and lifted his head. "Brother are you still there?" he asked.

###

There are a few errors i noticed as well so a good edit will sort them out. Above all, this is great I enjoyed this. Cool parts, Opal turns the horses to skeletons and just takes them away from the elves like a boss. I can see her sitting on a tree stump making that happen.

You seem like a story teller and as a story teller, i like for you to take a look at some of my work. You may find something you might. Being that your into heavy fantasy, I reccomend Verse of Estoria edited by Dragon blue or you can just read the unedited version. Personally I feel that your story is a lot stronger than mine so some honest feedback would be nice. If not I won't be offended as I really love what you did here.

If you have more, PLEASE UPLOAD IT SO I CAN READ IT. I'll read it even with its flaws cause the story is that good to me.

Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Awesome! I enjoy reading your work. So opal visits our main character and marks him in a dream or is it? She seems like a very alluring and scary woman. At least thats what I think. I'm guessing she's a queen dark elf. This particular segment, I didn't notice any problems as far as show and tell are concerned but don't take my word for it i'm not the expert here. Consider me your beta reader i'm digging this. The five stars are for story telling.
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Review of Poison  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Octavious here. Guess your wondering how I found you eh? Well I was perusing through my news feed and you replied to a post WDC you replied to. I went through your portfolio and found this story. I rate purely based on story so i'm not an expert on publishing or anything. I ignore the rules and just read the story. And I have to say, this is really good. There are a few problems to note but overall its really good. I was curious at the end. A evil queen feeling guilt over killing victims? Sweet. And the way she chopped off that girls fingers? Damn. Good stuff you defiantly got something here. So now lets talk about some of the issues you'll run into since you're pretty new here. I am kinda new as well so i'm sharing my experiences.

Many people talk about a rule that says show don't tell. It kinda gets confusing for me as well cause I get that a lot too so don't be discouraged. but let me explain using your work.

Dark Elves stormed the sapphire woods, their presence making everything die in their path.

This part can be worded better. Try:

Beating hooves mix with the war cries as Dark Elves storms the Sappire woods. Their enchanted swords, and armored power by their wicked queen kills everything it nears.

Or something like that. I'd say the first half of of this story with the queen raiding the woods is filled with something like this. Let me try again with another sentence.

They happened to wander upon the small town, of Iron Smith, it's people scattered as the elves swarmed the place, burning things, murdering people and stealing.

They reach a village called Iron Smith. There, people scream and flee in panic as archers fire hissing arrows into their backs. Blood fills the air as bodies starts to litter the little villages. Torch weilding elves throw their burning sticks into the houses setting them ablaze. Soon, the orange flames color the night sky as horse riding killers chase screaming men.

Or something like that.

Overall you have an excellent story here so don't be too discourage ok. Remember story telling is just story telling if you have a good story it'll engage readers regardless of the flaws. I will be reading more.

Keep writing and i'll keep reading. You have a fan.





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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello sir Octavious again here for a review. Five stars from the start. I'm glad i found someone to touch bases with regarding this topic as I myself am in an happy marriage and it took a lot of hard work to do. But its been a happy work so to speak I'll tell you my story in an email so i pray you have the patience to read it. Something I learned from God about Marriage. Overall I learned a lot from reading this and everything you said here is true to the core. Thank you sir for posting this.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello sir. Octavious here with a review although i don't have much of one. Just commenting on this piece lol. You know I've been wanting to do something similar to this cause its been floating around my head. I like the interation between the woman and the narrator but i wouldn't have given in that easily. Can you give me a man? Sure I'll give you a man, if you can make it accross the street into the next building. Thanks you sir for giving me the inspiration for my comedy.
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Review of Fears of a Newbie  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Just be yourself and have fun. It's how I write my stories the themes will come as you progress. Of course I'm a discovery writer so take what I say with a grain of salt.
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Review of Drago's Illusion  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Octavius here with a review of Drago's illusion. First off, let me apologise for not reading your work sooner as you were so kind to read mines. I just had my second daughter and things have been busy for me.

I like what you've done here. You tell the story of a jesture and it's hell hound. You did well in subverting my expectations cause the dragon caught me by surprise. It goes out of it's way to play the fool throwing the everyone including the reader off a good bit. Plus this is the first story I read that did more narration than dialogue without getting boring so good job. What does the dragon get out of giving the king the talisman? Very intriguing story well done

I'm going to recommend this piece to a friend of mine.

DragonBlue she's an awesome editor and has edited Verse of Estoria. So if you got sick of all the errors check out the edited version. She is also great at editing so give her a call if want her talents. I haven't heard from you regarding the Verse of Estoria what did u think of the novel. Hope to hear from you soon.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ok I like how you introduce new tech in each chapter. Sounds like this is building up to something big.
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