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197 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Octavious here again reading your next piece. I like the relationship building between the hero and the damsel. You set her up as a woman who doesn't want to settle down with some power hungry noble until she meets the superhero and her heart has melted for him after he rescues her. I also like the magic here. There are elements about your world that I don't understand but i'm sure you'll build them the more you write. Good Job.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Octavious here with a review. We have a text book wrestling style superhero with a mask and electric powers. I had gotten a kick out of reading this. That's all I can say about this piece. It flows perfectly from beginning to end and good character building. The only thing that kinda threw me off was time and place. It was hard to tell the setting at the beginning. Also, I missed the part where he supposedly teleport from his world to the next. Other than that its a good read. Suggest adding more comedy as there were plenty of opportunities here. Keep it up.
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I wish I had her wings...even if I don't fly very well, I would still keep trying. I love this story you are telling and I want to see it thru until the end, if my children permit lol Beautiful poem-Sali
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, there is so much conflict here. You are absolutely right! It's hard to tell who are friends, family and foes because sometimes they intermingle. When they do, things get so complicated and it can be hard to really love someone. I think I have struggled with that-with my father-at one point he was the best dad ever only to turn into the enemy that would destroy my marriage. It was so hard and I cried so many tears. That kind of thing does wear down the armor of your emotions, if you will. I really like that line. I feel like I can identify with that. Anyways, I love this story-Sali as always...lol Octavious isn't into poetry like I am rofl!
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Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yes, awesome verses and lines. It flows so beautifully, nice ballad-love the refrain of each rhyme. She can fly! Hooray!
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sali comments-This is a very good piece about broken trust in relationships-seems personal. I know exactly how you feel. That happened to me before I met my husband.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
WOW, HELL, GREAT. You continue to impress me with your story miss. The way opal pulled him away from the tavern was awesome. You had all his men let their guard down thinking she couldn't reach them. WRONG can't stop me from taking what i want lol. Another great chapter in your story. From one story teller to the next, I urge you to finish this tale first before straightening things out. Edit after you finish your book. And don't be discouraged by the horrible reviews other people will likely give you. You have a story here and it needs to be told. Now onto the more technical and the boring bits of this review.

I am still an armature myself so I'm only offering you what I've learned. Consider these tips.

When you decide to do your edits separate your dialogue from your narration. It makes things much easier to read. And with the exception for inner thoughts, all dialogue goes into parenthesis.

Passive voice sentences. I can't give you a definite definition but i'll show you an example in this piece.

In front of her she had a cauldron.

Just say a Cauldron sat in front of her as she stared down into the green boiling mist inside. Makes for a more impact picture.

I guess he needed it after worrying about you so much,” Paolo said looking over at the red haired elf.
“Perhaps,” he answered.

You need a scene break here.

Elwith was lost deep in sleep but Opal entered into his room, she sat on the edge of his bed she ran her slender fingers through his thick locks. “You thought you could cheat me!” she laughed and dragged her clawed fingers down his chest.

One last thing.

Being that this is a fantasy story, description would definatly help in this piece. You go through some lengths at times but adding a little more will help with the mood of your story. But don't be to broken up by that cause I can feel the dark tone oozing from your piece already. So adding more description will bring it to a whole new level.

Awesome read Keep me posted for your next chapter.

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Review by Octavius
Rated: E | (5.0)
Alright sir looks like your going to ride this wave to your next novel. I'm with you sir can't wait.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Bravo sir Bravo! As usual you craft twisted bad guys that leaves a strong impression on your readers. To me this is a work worthy of publishing. I hope to read more sir probably going to finish reading Rebecca. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. I hope to see you published one day.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Holy hell so it was Haskell all along. I guess watching his girlfriend killed in front of him drove him over the edge. And as for the mayor, he should've known that his actions would bite him in the butt sooner or later. Love this story sir.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello sir I'm back again to read the rest of your tale. Here, they are investigating the year book trying to find the culprit. They noticed everyone in the photo except for the one who took it. As usual great read.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Powerful poem, don't usually do poems but my wife insisted I get some culture lol! Actually its funny, i was discussing this issue with her today about these young ladies. They make some crazy decisions on who to be with and no lie, men don't make it better either, especially when we leave her to raise the kids alone. I want to be there for my daughters so that they won't go down this path. They still can but at least i want to be there to talk them out the nonsense, you know what I mean?
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well that was intense. All of the people in the picture is dead i guess. Except for the one who took the picture. Sir I enjoy your work and you have inspired me to keep writing my stories. If you have more I'll read it when I have the time. Great work sir.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
And the plot thickens. So the mayor has been behind this. In fact, It wouldn't surprise me that he wrote that graffiti that said "the only good injun is a dead injun" In fact, i'm quite sure he's the one who wrote it. Now they find out he's been involved in the murders. Which begs to question. Who killed her and who was her boyfriend. I'll read on sir.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The Sheriff and the Mayor finally have it out. Can't say I blame her. You know it baffles me when people run off at the mouth and when they get their butts handed to them they wanna run and tell. Have some decency and accept the fact that your mouth got you in trouble. Now its time for them to find Edith. Hopes she's ok. One thing that bugs me about her is that the people dying were people she knew... Hold on a sec. Is she the killer? She's been living there this whole time and has been selling that Forest Maiden tale with everyone in town. I'll read to find out.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You had me at the edge of my seat sir. Bravo. Bravo. Thank god for Ana. He would've been dead if it weren't for her.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
So he recognizes Edith in the picture runs to find her and call Ana but runs into Mat Waterson. Friggin Awesome! If there were six stars to give you i'd have given it to you. ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The dream sequence was very awesome and visceral this is by far one of your best works I've enjoyed. You have a knack of keeping things interesting here sir. And he hears the faint cries of the supposed ghost eh? If there's anything about this killer that I've come to realize, is his diligence. This is why I think its a cop or a detective. That thoroughness is something I see only in detectives cause they know what people tend to look for. BTW the second half of this chapter is in italics.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Holy hell. A grizzly murder in this chapter and it looks like that cop the protagonist put away. He's doing his best to cover his tracks but that defiantly took me by surprise. A couple down on their luck gets murdered by a total stranger. I hope he gets whats coming to him.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Love these mysterious deaths. You are good at mystery murders sir. So many deaths with so little answers. Haskel seems a bit nervous and I think its because Ana is getting closer to the answer. I believe things are going to get more serious from her on out.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Aww hell, Eddie Fields is dead. Smh. Why wasn't someone watching him? Wasn't he a key witness? Something's fishy is going on here and I think Haskel had something to do with it. Things are getting interesting sir. You know, I like how you can keep a reader intrigued during the cool chilled moments the characters have and afterward kick things back into gear with a surprising reveal. I know that you are having fun with this.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
And another scene of romance and relationship builds the characters together. Instead, they have doubts about their relationship. You know you defiantly have a realistic take on romance. I remember the doubts me and my wife had while we were in the "hot phase" and you accurately pointed out a solution to that problem. Take it slow. I'm continuing sir. Good Read.
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Review by Octavius
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello sir Octavious here sorry for not reading your story I've been sick with a cold my kids gave me and well you know how it goes. I'm back and ready for cool read. Alright, here our two love interests share a somewhat intimate moment, a hot one at that whew. Love the set up here. You started things off trying to find an old case file and a accident causes the romantic moment to happen. Plus they found the case file. Reading on sir. Enjoying this story.
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Review of Chrysalis  
Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Octavious here commenting on your newest piece lol. My my I have to say you have crafted a very dark individual. Struggling with himself and his dark thoughts and you leave it open in the end on which choice he has to make. My guess he takes the murder rout or suicide either way good read.
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Review by Octavius
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm glad you re-did this one as I fully understand her frustration. Living like outcasts because of something her son did all those years ago. The shop closure is an effective way to give conflict to your character.

She had decided that he would have to learn the hard way that she was just a gold digging little bitch!

Wow I felt that one lol.

Ok, here i'm just going to give you an objective view point. One question I have Mortogs supposed girlfriend. If he's honor less, why is she dating him? I know he's a skilled warrior but you say she's dating him for popularity's sake. I may be thinking it wrong but from what i'm reading Darcy and her whole family are stains on society. Ofcourse the people around them probably hate the king just as much as she does so its probably more complicated than what i'm thinking.

One more thing to consider, I haven't read the next chapter yet but based on what happens in the future in your story, I would recommend having a argument with her husband. Its a good set up for what happens later on. Or if you don't want to, you can have him killed off by the king somehow. Either way this is a good piece. Keep it up man.
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