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126
Review of THE DAY WE MET  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, ROBIN !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have read "THE DAY WE MET " . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
I chose this story to review because the summary, "Finding love in unique circumstances, when least expected" hooked me. Great job!

I liked how Nikhil finally found his true love. I also like how there's a lesson in this story. Some of our best friends are those who are least recognized in school.

I enjoyed learning about who sent Siddharth twenty-four roses. How exciting that was for Nikhil and Siddharth!


Setting:
When you wrote of "HER" you talked about selling roses at school for Valentine's Day. I think if you added some description here of the surrounding environment where Nikhil was selling the roses, it would bring the reader physically into the story. For example, I sat at a long table set up in the East wing with roses on either side of me. I was at the end of the hallway out of the way of the lockers. My volunteers stood ready to make deliveries. It's not genius but I hope you get my meaning.

That's just one area where you could show the reader where the character is and what they're seeing.


Plot:
I liked how Nikhil took matters into his own hands to figure out who his "dream girl" was by delivering the roses to Siddharth himself. Nikhil took action.

Check out this website to learn more about plot and story. I found it extremely helpful. http://www.tameri.com/write/plotnstory.html



Suggestions:
*FlowerR* Each instance of dialogue should begin on a separate line. For example, It reminded me of sunshine and rainbows all at once (I had never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of guy). ‘I’d like to order a bouquet of 24 roses, please. ‘, her polite request had me further stupefied. should be written like this:

It reminded me of sunshine and rainbows all at once. (I had never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of guy.)

"I'd like to order a bouquet of twenty-four roses, please." Her polite request had me further stupefied.



*FlowerR* You did a good job here with beginning each instance of dialogue on separate lines:

‘Do you want to say, who they are from?’ I nobly prompted, partly from a need to be organised, a desire to hear her musical voice again and above all very much hoping to learn her name.
‘They are from me!’ she quipped in return, with an amused smile (pretending not to comprehend my real purpose).
‘Do you want to send a card with YOUR NAME?’ I shamelessly persisted.
She appeared to think about it, shrugged her shoulders, ‘Not really!’ and that was that? All my plans gone flat. "Not really!" should be on a separate line.
I made a last ditch attempt,’ You’re sure you got the name and year of the recipient right?’
‘Why?’ the tone no longer warm (in fact glacial) and the smile absent.
All my expert comments on Siddharth’s failings died a silent death ,’Just checking so that the delivery happens alright ‘, was my escapist response . This should be a separate line.
‘Oh! ’She seemed to buy it and in fact looked apologetic for her earlier coldness (well deserved on my part though)

*FlowerR* Make sure you put a line between each instance:

"Do you want to say, who they are from?" I nobly prompted, partly from a need to be organised, a desire to hear her musical voice again and above all very much hoping to learn her name.

"They are from me!" she quipped in return, with an amused smile (pretending not to comprehend my real purpose).


*FlowerR* Watch spacing and commas. Throughout the story there are unnecessary spaces before the commas. Read back through and you'll see them.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

*FlowerR* It not always that an almighty institution of education would deem to club Valentine’s Day and Rose Day into one (amazingly no political protests) . I think you meant "It's" not always ... Also remove the space before the period.

*FlowerR* You use a lot of parenthesis when you could use commas or simply remove them. For example, Girls and women (and sometimes men too) swooned whenever he stepped out or gave his dimpled smile (whether in reel or in real life). The first set of parenthesis can be replaced with commas and the second set can be removed: Girls, women, and sometimes men too, swooned whenever he stepped out or gave his dimpled smile, whether in reel or in real life.

In my opinion, the use of parentheses slows the reader down and detracts from the story.

*FlowerR* Hence the anonymous flowers.’ , ‘ Thank you for being a good friend to him ‘,she added. There is no need for this comma between sentences or the extra quote marks. The sentence should read like this: "Hence the anonymous flowers. Thank you for being a good friend to him," she added.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I like the story and you did a very nice job! I would be happy to review this story again after edits, it you'd like.

Welcome to Writing.com, by the way. If you are looking for a group to get involved with to learn your way around, think about The Paper Doll Gang. It's for guys, too. They are called Dragons. Anyway, I can tell you that I learned how to give reviews, create different items, use the different ML codes, etc. Did I say that they also taught me how to give great reviews?

We're so happy to have you here. Enjoy!

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll

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Thank you Jimminycritic

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127
127
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Kris D'Amato !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "A Conversation with Sparky the Dog" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please, take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
I like that Keeva and her husband were able to come together and agree to begin working things out between them.

I was confused about how Keeva would have known how to contact the little girl's mother. Did she already know who the little girl was? I got the impression that the little girl was unknown by Keeva and her husband.

My impression is that this run took place in the late night hours, hours you wouldn't expect a seven or eight year old to be out. Did she decide that her puppy needed to go outside? Did she just wander out of the house and her puppy followed?

I didn't grasp the concept of the talking puppy, though. Was their conversation had to stir his mind into thinking about his relationship with his wife?

I was also bothered by not knowing the man's name. It isn't necessary, it just bothered me. *Pthb*


My Favorite Part:
In the clearing, in the rain, we touched lips and kissed, once. A kiss to start over, to repair what was wrong, to at least understand. And even though it was not alright, it was better. I liked this because it shows that there's still hope.


Setting:
We were on a tree-lined country road that was dotted by run-down stone huts and convenience stores on the verge of close down. This confused me because I guess I haven't been down too many country roads with more that one convenience store within ten miles of one another.

"We're twenty years older and we know less than she does," she said. "I've forgotten what it means to love so much." I'm not sure I understand the love Keeva's speaking of here.


Suggestions:
She was crying crying and cradling a shivering puppy. Remove the second "crying".

What show? I was afraid of the cars, for Chrissakes. I couldn't move. It was like---like a deer caught in headlamps. You said so yourself!" I don't recall the man saying anything about the dog being caught in the headlamps.

It's because they don't speak, so it's their only way of telling how much you really love them. This sentence didn't make sense to me. I think the sentence would make more sense as " ... of telling how much they love us."

"I can't thank you enough," the girl's mother said. When did the girl's mother arrive?


Final Thoughts/Comments
Even though I didn't understand the "Conversation with Sparky the Dog", I did understand the difficulties had between Keeva and her husband. I'm glad the story ended on a hopeful note. *Smile*


~QPdoll

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Thank you Jimminycritic

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128
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
DearLynda Miller

I enjoyed reading this piece about lighthouses. I've always enjoyed looking at the many different lighthouses out there.

I found this to be very informative. I always wondered how they created the light for the houses so long ago. I've never really done any kind of research on lighthouses, but I may now.

I can't imagine being a caretaker of the lighthouse. It sounds like it was a lot of hard, and as you've stated, lonely work. I wonder how lighthouses are run today? I know that most of them do not have caretakers that live on sight because the lights are automatic, but I wonder how often the light is checked. I wonder if there's some kind of alarm that would sound somewhere if it ever burned out. Something to think about looking into, right? I guess if I'm that curious I should.

Anyway, I digress. This was filled with a lot of interesting information. I can't begin to imagine carrying whale oil up 200 steps. I'm doing good to walk up forty and still breath!

Now I know what the gallery, or balcony, was used for. I thought it was for someone to stand out and watch ships passing.

Imagine how much sleep the caretaker didn't get! Having to get up three times a night to check on the lantern and wind the weights, then get up before the sun to start the day doesn't make for a lot of good sleep.

With the light being so bright I wonder how bad that hurt their eyes.

I have such a fear of the ocean I could never even attempt to walk a 400 foot pier to get to the lighthouse during a storm. Just picturing that had me holding my breath. Especially with waves as high as ten feet. No way. If it were left up to me, I'd be waiting for the storm to pass. I would not make a good lighthouse caretaker or his wife!

I'm glad I read this. I've learned about something new. Maybe I could use it in a story some day.

The only thing I noticed that was missing was a line between two paragraphs. Otherwise I think you've done a great job.

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll

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Thank you Jimminycritic

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129
129
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, ☮ The Grum Of Grums !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Meeting in a Cemetery" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
I like this story because it's about a new relationship as a result of a sad one. I like the strength of Tom and his courage to stand up to his aunt. I loved how he pulled out information on a law he'd noted and quoted to her.

I also like Nikki's strength and perseverance.


Setting:
This story took place in a cemetery, a coffee shop, and then in Tom's home. We don't get a lot of description of any of the locations. The reader isn't transported into each different environment, although we can probably picture something based on our own experiences.


Plot:
The plot was easy to follow. Tom was visiting his father in the cemetery and noticed another cemetery visitor, a woman, crying. It didn't take him long to determine that he knew her.

He took her out for coffee and let her talk.

Later he invited her over to his house for food and company.

During this visit his aunt showed up, angry that Tom had been seeing Nikki.

Tom put his aunt in her place and told her how it was with him and Nikki.

Nikki and his aunt made amends and agreed to move forward without blaming one another for the death of Jerry.

At the end of the story there's hope that Tom and Nikki will develop a closer relationship.


Suggestions:
Below are a few suggestions to improve the story.

Nikki arrived late on the Sunday afternoon, and Tom was immediately impressed. Dressed casually in jeans and a brightly patterned blouse, her long brown hair fell past her shoulders and she looked more relaxed than when he last saw her. These sentences are a bit wordy. Perhaps you could re-word them to read something like this:

Late Sunday afternoon, Nikki arrived dressed in jeans and a bright patterned blouse. Her long brown hair...

There are other areas throughout the story where sentences can be sharpened a little.

Watch your use of the word "and". Sentences don't typically begin with "And". Study the sentence to determine if it works without it.

Look for changes in tenses, too. For example: And his father was completely intimidated by his wife; all he ever wants is a quiet life.” All he ever wanted was... Keep it past tense.

If you read through the story you'll find other instances where the tenses have changed.

Make sure that you close quotes. The paragraph that begins with, Nikki continued, “Jerry seemed to change..." needs an end quote.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I've noted a few opportunities for improvement.

The coroner returned a verdict of accidental death butand added that suicide might have been possible, but there wasn't enough evidence to support it.

His mother objected loudly and with a hysterical outpouring, and publicly blaminged me because I had broken up with Jerry just before he drove off and died.

Now I feel...sort of guilty. - Iif I hadn't dumped him, he'd be alive now." And Aa fresh stream of tears flowed down her face.


I know you had nothing to do with Jerry’s death;. End the sentence with a period instead of a semicolon.

I knew him well, and I knew his problems, particularly with his mother.”
 You could reword this sentence to flow easier. Perhaps something like this: I knew him and his problems well, particularly with his mother.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This is a bittersweet story with believable characters. We get a good sense of Nikki's background and her relationship with the deceased, Jerry.

We don't get a lot of background of Tom, but we do get a glimpse of his family. His family is fun and loving.

I enjoyed reading this story and it's happy ending.

Good job.

Happy writing!




{image:}


Thank you Jimminycritic

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130
Review of A Love Story  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Josh T. Alto !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers Group and have just read "A Love Story" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
It's too bad that he wasn't courageous enough to move on the knowledge that the two of them should be together forever when he was eighteen. It's sad that it took him thirty years to realize it.

This is a heartbreaking story about two people who fell in love at an early age but didn't know how to act on those feelings until it was too late.


Setting:
The story took place on a beach. This is my favorite line: The moon had never been so bright over the bay as on that evening when they last sat in the sand with their feet in the water holding each other’s hands. I could picture these two young people on the beach.


Plot:
The plot was a bit difficult for me to understand. I wasn't sure what the ultimate message was you were going for. However I did feel a little deflated with the ending. I was so hoping for them to finally find each other. Well, they did find each other; just not in the way I was expecting.


Suggestions:

He suspected that she lived on that island, she knew too much about it to be a tourist. He sometimes saw her with her mother on the way to the market, or selling flowers at the corner. These sentences could be re-worded only to make it flow a bit easier: He knew that she lived on the island because he sometimes saw her selling flowers on the corner or walking with her mother to the market. It didn't make sense that he suspected, but then saw her selling flowers. I can't see a tourist who would be selling anything on the corner.

This would also be a good place to start a new paragraph as the focus changes.

He missed her for a week or two after leaving the island but she was far away and after a few months he stopped thinking about her. Show the reader how he missed her. Was he lovesick and couldn't eat? Did he mope around for a while? Let us see his pain.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few places where you went to the present tense:

He was hypnotized, immersing helplessly in her blue eyes. Change "immersing" to "immersed".

They hardly ever speak, Change "speak" to "spoke". You're already writing in the past tense, so it's best to keep it past and not present.

...they could lie there for hours without saying anything, it appeared to him only years later that he knew almost nothing about her.

These are two sentences. They hardly ever spoke, but could...saying anything. It appeared...about her.


Final Thoughts/Comments
It's so sad they had to die but at least they were finally together.


This is definitely one of those sad love stories, but I enjoyed reading it. Very imaginative.

Happy writing!

~QPdoll

Thank you Jimminycritic

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Review of My Wife's Escape  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Simple Dykie !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers Group and have just read "My Wife's Escape" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
I liked the overall humor of the story.

This story is about how much the wife loved her car. She loved her car so much that she resisted cuddle time with her husband! Ultimately the husband was driven to buy one of his own. Two can play this game.


Setting:
I couldn't picture where the conversation might have taken place, although I could guess that it might have been in the kitchen as she ran into the house.


Plot:
The story revolves around the wife's love affair with her car. It read smoothly and quickly. I very much enjoyed reading this.


Suggestions:
You could describe the route she might have taken on her hours of travel. Maybe describe some of the sights she might have seen.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I saw no areas with punctuation, spelling, or grammar errors. This definitely helped with how smoothly it read.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This was a light, funny read. Excellent writing.

** Image ID #1795158 Unavailable **


Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhuit!
(Happy New Year in Irish Gaelic)

Thank you Jimminycritic

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Review of Snow Day  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, justme !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers Group and have just read "Snow Day"  for the December 2015 Power Review Raid. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
I liked the plain fun that Fallon and Kayla had together. A snow day, so no school, and sledding, for a day of fun! They wrap it up with a cup of hot cocoa.

This is a sweet story about best friends, Fallon and Kayla sharing a snow day together with Fiona, Fallon's terrier. I could feel Fallon's excitement over her love of snow.

Fiona actually had a little fun in the snow too, chasing the rabbit. I'm glad the rabbit got away!

It was so sweet how they covered Fiona up with a blanket to stay warm.


Setting:
The story takes place at Fallon's and Kayla's homes. The girls were sledding at Kayla's, but I couldn't quite picture if there was a hill in Kayla's yard or if they were just pulling each other around the backyard.

Regardless the story flowed well and was a very heartwarming read.


Suggestions:
The one suggestion I have is to start dialogue on separate lines and not within a paragraph. I only saw one instance of this where you discussed Fallon getting dressed to go outside.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found no spelling or grammar issues throughout the story.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. As I said, it was very heartwarming. Excellent job!

~QPdoll

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133
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, GaelicQueen !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Racing on Thin Ice" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.

Aw, poor Blitzen, who fell through the ice. And poor Maxwell, too. With nothing to do when everyone else was so busy making toys and getting Santa prepared for Christmas Eve. It really put Maxwell in a bad spot. He was bound to get into trouble. A mischievous little pixie he is. Although Donner and Blitzen kind of brought it on themselves. I especially liked Donner's and Blitzen's banter.


This is a story about Pixie Maxwell who didn't have any specific job to do in Santa's workshop. With no job to do what else was there but to get into mischief? Maxwell finds himself in a bit of trouble due to his mischievous ways. You did well with bringing the story full circle from the workshop to the lake, and showed the reader a little of all the characters.

So Maxwell wanders into the reindeer barn. From there he convinces Donner and Blitzen to agree on a race. Unfortunately Maxwell was unaware of the dangers that lay ahead.

The story takes place outside of Santa's workshop, beginning in the reindeer barn and ending at the lake. You did a nice job with the different settings.

You fulfilled the December Advent's challenge of including the word reindeer. It's difficult to get a whole story into 500 words and you did a fine job. Well done!

I noticed a few places of punctuation, spelling, and grammar improvement opportunities.

This sentence seems to take away from the rest of the paragraph: He was dressed head to toe in a red felt jumpsuit. It just seemed out of place to me.

That's where you'll make the sharp turn to return here to the finish line." Maxwell explained as he walked backward onto the frozen ice. There should be a comma after line," Maxwell explained...

Raising his arms up he yells this should read ...up he yelled

Pulling head Donner left Blitzen behind him. Oops. You forgot the "a"

This was a fun and entertaining story. I enjoyed reading it and Santa's discipline was very appropriate!

~QPdoll

** Image ID #1563070 Unavailable **

A Chain of Dolls Forever Linked!
*Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll**Paperdoll*
134
134
Review of She-Witched!  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Bobby G. !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "She-Witched!" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.



Overall Impression:
I love the playfulness of this story. The spell made it a fun read.

I loved the ending to this story. Imagine being stuck as a different gender! Ha! He took that change a bit too far, I'm afraid.

After learning that your girlfriend is a witch it would definitely not do you well to anger her!

The ending makes me believe that you had fun writing this story.



Setting:
Good description of the walkway's decor. I could picture the ghosts hanging from the tree.

I think the story would benefit a bit with a description of the living room. What made it seem different, dark and eerie? Was it the decorations? Was a fog machine being used? Help the reader see the house that's ready for a party.



Plot:
I found the characters to be believable but I didn't quite get a sense of Melinda's voice. I would have liked to see a bit more of Bobby's and Melinda's relationship. He seemed to be pretty trusting of her, much to his detriment.



Suggestions:
There are a number of instances where the dialogue contains no ending punctuation. Read through the piece and pay special attention to the dialogue. If the statement is followed by "he said" always add a comma before the end quote. One exception would be if the dialogue ends in a question. Then you'd put the question mark before the end quote. Here's a link you might find helpful.
https://www.grammarly.com/handbook/punctuation/quo...


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I've noted just a few errors below.

*WitchHat* Halloween is always capitalized.

*WitchHat*"Wha.. what happened to me?" I said, feeling disorienting disoriented

*WitchHat*I had been wearing a sexy devil's… I think it would read smoother if you said, I wore a sexy…

*WitchHat*As a girl now, noone would recognize me, No and one are two separate words.



Final Thoughts/Comments
This was a fun story to read. It made me smile and really chuckle at the end. Nice job.

~QPdoll

** Image ID #1563070 Unavailable **

Thank you to jimmincritic

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135
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, FruitSeller !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers and have just read "CHAPTER ONE- The Black Sheep" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.

I enjoyed reading this story. The idea of life after death is an interesting subject and you portrayed this idea well. I like how you started with his death and then proceeded to show what it was like to be dead. Then his journey began.

“This will be your new world nameless one,” This is my favorite part in the beginning of the story. To think that you'll get to live again is awesome.

I am curious and now want to know more about this 'nameless one'.

Nice beginning!



Good description of the experience of being catapulted into the bright light.

...it appeared like a disk, with countless gas like arms flowing from its white hot core. I could totally picture the arms flailing about. Were the arms grabbing onto the bodyless spirit?

I love that he got to choose his next form to take on in this new world. I especially liked, In the end I made my choice and promptly found myself opening my eyelids for the first time in an age.

It's here that you could elaborate on ...deranged mess of shapes and colours. I would have liked to 'see' more of this new world in which he now lives.



I have lived through one winter as of yet (at least the seasons are roughly the same) but I had never felt a winter quite like these ones. Is this based on the snippets of memory? If he had only experienced one winter, I don't think he'd have anything else to compare it to. Therefore, he wouldn't know if he'd ever felt one like it before.

Also, the ending of the sentence isn't grammatically correct. You might consider changing it to ...I had never felt a winter quite like this one.

I'm not sure exactly what the goal is of the story. Is there something that needs to be accomplished for this person to life a full life? Or are we simply on the journey of life with this character?



There are a number of run-on and incomplete sentences in this story that make it a bit difficult to read and focus on. Watch your spelling, too. Be sure to use the spell check feature.

This item is a good one to read through for more suggestions for increasing the completeness of this story. Take a look at "Expert Writing Tips" . It gives links to very useful information at the end that I think you will find helpful.



I've listed a few examples of errors I noted along my journey with "Robert".

*BulletV*...I couldn’t even cry out but I persisting. ...but I persisted.

*BulletV*Zeroing in on one such ‘speck’ where a number of worlds orbited it. This isn't a complete sentence. What about zeroing in on the one speck?

*BulletV*then he proceeded to catch my hands staring into them like the his life depended on whatever inference he could decipher... Remove 'the' after the word 'like'.

*BulletV*Mother drew a bucket of cold water, dumping a white sand substance into the mixture before striping me down... The correct spelling is with two p's - stripping

*BulletV*The pastor probably wouldn't have put up with my presence if not for the villages respect for her... The word 'villages' needs an apostrophe to indicate possession - village's respect.

I'd like to suggest the reading of "Invalid Item"  to review punctuation rules and tips.

Also, here's a document regarding writing dialogue: "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue"  that I think is helpful.



I think you're onto a good story for a novel here. I can't guarantee I'll review the remaining chapters, but I will surely read them. I'm interested to see where this story goes.

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!
~QPdoll

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Thank you Jimminycritic

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Review of Love, Love, Love  
Review by QPdoll
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, justanotherpoethero !

I am a member of the December Advent Challenges and have just read "Love, Love, Love" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.

My first impression is that you 'nailed it'! I often wonder how we've become so self-absorbed that we truly can't think of how we treat others. Unfortunately it's our government that leads us in this way of thinking. However I can't say that I'm always a great example to others either.

My favorite statement is: Our faith in most things American is flatlining. I really like the examples you gave as to behaviors we can change, if only we'd try. I also enjoyed how you segued from one stanza into the next.

I couldn't agree with you more. We love the two-party system, but we hate both parties. No doubt! Maybe you're right. Maybe ...the man in Times Square holding A sign that reads “Free Hugs” should run for mayor of New York City. What about the President of the United States? Of course I think that the President is pretty much a 'scape goat' for the decisions Congress makes.

Oh, I saw one place where it seems a word was missing. Like the homophobic uncle who was the only that remembered your birthday

I have an idea for teachers. I think teachers and sports figures should switch salaries for just one year. What do you think? Would it change people's opinions?

Biking while generating power would be great exercise as well. Since we Americans don't get the kind of exercise our descendants did to keep them thin, power generating would be ideal.

And why can't we just have 'American History'? We're all Americans and we should be proud to be an American. We all descend from other countries. But our descendants came to America for a reason. Let's celebrate the fact that they came here at all, because it certainly wasn't easy!

I know love isn’t all I need, but it’s all I can afford right now. Boy, isn't that the truth!

I enjoyed your poem, and I love philosophy. I think I'll go read more of your writing.

Thank you for sharing.



Thank you Jimminycritic

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137
137
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Brooklyn .

This is an "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Dare to Review Raid Review for your Poll

 What is a good review to YOU?  (E)
I'm curious... help me out with what YOU think a review should be.
#1297149 by Brooklyn


What caught my attention about this poll was that it was in regard to reviews. I love getting reviews. Who doesn't, right? So I was also interested in others' responses. It's too bad we can't set up a poll that accepts more than one response. But that would skew the numbers I think.

Anyway, I love your poll. I found it to be quite fun interesting.

I hope you have a great day!

~QPdoll

A 'message board' sig for the Power Group to use in their reviews
138
138
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Sewcrazy Again 🤗 }!

I am a member of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  and have just read "True Love~not ready to be reviewed! ;)" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Isn't true love so endearing? I am always awed when true love is found in the worst situations - and war would be a worst situation!


My favorite part is when he found his cousins, Mary and Elmer. It's so nice to be around family but especially comforting to have family near you in such hard times.


My suggestions to you are to read back through your story. You'll find some spelling and spacing improvement opportunities.

The spacing made it a bit choppy making it somewhat difficult to read. Be sure to put spaces between paragraphs.


Along time ago Ellis Island was used as a place to... Along should be two separate words: A long...

Like Pirates and immigrant criminals and killers. The word "Pirates" should not be capitalized unless you're speaking of a specific pirate. Example: Pirate Blackbeard.

Like a lit sillouet. The word "sillouet" is misspelled. The correct spelling is: silhouette.

There are more improvements, similar to these, in the story. Just read through the story again, even out loud, like you're reading a story to someone.


I like the character, Lonnie. He is a good man and by his orders being lost he was able to find his true love.


This is a really sweet story and I like it very much. You've done a good job. Don't forget to keep writing!

~QPdoll

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139
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Joyous !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Through the Portal" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.



Plot
Very interesting! I wanted to know what was going to happen next. I was instantly attached to Olivia and felt so sorry for the position she was in, although not literally. *Wink*

It was important to deliver this baby quickly. The horror of having to give up a newborn baby pulled at my heartstrings. Obviously the baby would have no life as the child of a prisoner.


Characterization
I liked the characters, especially Olivia, who is an emotionally strong woman. I like that one moment when she was a protective mother and forgot her mission, whatever that may be.

Mattea, the wizard, so supportive and knowledgeable.

I instantly didn't like Kitchkor. You did a great job asserting his evilness.

Even David seemed real to me just being mentioned once.


Spelling/Grammatical Errors
Fearing the worst, she craned her neck, trying to see around her rounded pregnancy to see what was going on. Perhaps you could use the word "past" her rounded pregnancy.

As Mattea had explained, she felt a pressure build along her but... butt

Sadness mixed with joy as she thought of how David would have looked like in this moment were he here. This is the one sentence in the whole story that didn't flow well for me. If you changed one word I believe it would flow better: Sadness mixed with joy as the thought of what David would have looked like...

Nothing was stored there in case it closed an took everything with it. ...closed and took...

The portal wasn’t far, writhing on its own small peninsula a little ways away from the center of the camp. Remove the "s" from ways so that it reads ...a little way away from... Or you could reword it like this: The portal wasn't far, writing on its own small peninsula just away from the center of the camp.

;there wasn’t really wasn’t any clear path to go. Choose which "wasn't" to remove.


Flow of the Chapter
I think the story flowed well and kept my attention throughout. I could feel the urgency of the scene.

The actions of the characters kept the story moving.

I have a suggestion. The last line of the story, “I’m sorry.” She whispered, and threw the baby in. Possibly change the word "threw" to "tossed". It doesn't seem so harsh.


Dialogue
I felt that you had the right amount of dialogue. The dialogue enhanced the story and kept it moving along with characters themselves.


Setting
I was confused as to why Olivia and Mattea were in that specific location. Was it a prisoner work zone and then the Acid Lake became an inferno? Also once the acid rain began where would or should they be? Did anyone realize that they weren't where they should have been?


I really like this story and would read more. I'd love to know what happened to David and who is Kitchkor? Is he the ruler or maybe the "prison warden"? And what is his relationship with Olivia?

What is the plan that Olivia is carrying out? What happened on the other side of the portal? Where does the portal take you? Why wasn't the portal guarded? Was it because of Acid Lake inferno that wasn't supposed to happen, or did this always happen?

I can't wait to read more. Please let me know when you've completed the next chapter. I don't have to review but look forward to reading.

~QPdoll

Thank you Jimminycritic

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140
140
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, PureSciFi !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "You're Not a Ghost" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Overall Impression:
It was bittersweet that Forri met her deceased mother. On one hand she finally met her real mother, but on the other hand, her mother's dead. I liked that her real mother 'revealed herself' to Forri to discuss her behavior.

Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to read over your story after you've stepped away from it first. What I mean is after you've completed your piece, go look at something else on WDc and then come back and read it over after a bit. Then I think you'll be able to see things that you wouldn't have seen before because you know what it's supposed to say, right?!

Spelling/Grammar:
I know that W.D. Wilcox stated on the Dialogue 500 page: Throw out all the rules of grammar you've been brainwashed with, write like people talk! But I did see a few spelling errors and missing words.

“A normal ghost is supposed to look like an upside down while funnel... I think you meant to say white funnel...

“Do I look I was bad when I existed on Lolimona?” You're just missing the word "like" Do I look like I was bad...

He says thing like ‘if only your mother was here’... Add an "s" to "thing"

‘it all your fault you mother isn’t here today.” Add an "r" to you.

And Robbirt has keep me alive in your heart. I think you meant to say "kept"

That’s why look so familiar to you.” Add an "I" between "why" and "look".


What I Like:
I like that Forri got to meet her real mother and that Forri now has an understanding of her father's issues surrounding herself. I also love the name, Forri!

I really like science fiction and love the "Warrior War planet"! Very cool.

You have a knack for coming up with fabulous names like, "Lolimona". LOVE IT!

I also like the fact that Forri was able to call her, "mother".

After I read this I thought it could be a scene from Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's pretty awesome!

I do like your story and I think you've given me a "run for my money" so-to-speak.

Write on!
~QPdoll



My sig compliments of Hannah ♫♥♫

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141
141
Review of Family Reunion  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, GaelicQueen !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Family Reunion" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Overall Impression:
I could kind of picture the inside of the bed and breakfast but not from details in the story, only from what I've seen in movies and pictures. There weren't descriptions of the bed and breakfast, although you talked about the updates.

Most of the story flowed well except for a few parts. I was excited by what they might find.

Allen looked up to see Annabelle’s hair spread out from her head.
This sentence was confusing to me because I couldn't picture what the words "spread out" would have looked like. I think you mean her hair was standing on end but I'm not sure how to state that. Possibly something like:Her hair looked like she'd stuck her finger in a light socket. Something to that effect.

Setting
I'm assuming that this story takes place in today's time period. It starts off with what I considered at first to be in the 1800's or 1900's because of how it started with "Hear ye, Hear ye." I don't know that meetings today typically start that way.


Plot
The beginning didn't flow well for me, but once I realized that the story did not start off in the 1800's or 1900's the story flowed a bit easier.


Character
I could picture a man, Allan, and a woman, Annabelle, but not from descriptions within the story. I couldn't exactly picture the Martindale family but did get an idea of the age of the children by their complaints of not wanting to shower before bed.


Conflict
I could see a bit of conflict when Allan finds the little girl in the tub but when he brings Annabelle back with him there's no indication to confirm what he saw.

Theme
I enjoyed the theme of a ghost mystery which is what drew me to your story.


Climax
The climax took place at the end of the story when Allen and Annabelle discovered that the Martindale family were the ghosts. I liked it.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I noticed just a few things I think would improve the flow of the story.

Councilman McLeod, what is on the list?” I think it would sound better if you changed the word "list" to "agenda".

Mr. O’Shea demands a partial refund of they paid in advance. I think the words "what" or "monies" would move this sentence along easier. For example: Mr. O'Shea demands a partial refund of monies they paid in advance.

The time now is 5 p.m., now let’s go down to the kitchen to see if we can nab a couple of sandwiches and fruit. If you remove the second "now" I think the sentence would flow a bit more smoothly.

The cook greeted and shaking hands with each of them. I think it would read easier if you change the work "shaking" to "shook".

“The light switched doesn’t work,” Change "switched" to "switch".


What I Like:
I also make a motion that the Town hire a spirit extraction company to ascertain the mansion is clear of any earthbound spirits,” stated Councilman Murray. I find it interesting that a city would so quickly require a spirit extraction, but I like it!

I like that it ended with the whole family being ghosts. I wonder if they died in an accident while vacationing at the bed and breakfast?

Great imagination and putting it all together!

I think you did a good job and I would love to read more!

I hope you have a wonderful day!

~QPdoll
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142
142
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Cupadraig~The Remote Country !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Prompt#7: Head or tails?" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Overall Impression:
I loved this story. I can't believe how much you were able to put into just 997 words.

I have always enjoyed mythology and castles and this really catered to that enjoyment.


Suggestions:
The only suggestions I have are noted below.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I'd like to offer a few suggestions for improvement.

In this sentence: He glanced over his shoulder but he needn’t feared. I believe the word "have" should follow "needn't". He glanced over his shoulder but he needn't have feared.

His left leg front leg twisted unnaturally and he heard the snap before feeling the sharp pain spasm through him. Remove the first word "leg" so it reads His left front leg twisted...

“I won’t be able to glean anything from its mind if he’s been dead too long.” I think if you refer to the centaur as "it" once you should use it again instead of "he's"


What I Like:
I like the paragraph where you state It was like a ripple in water. The descriptions and setting made it easy to picture the scene.

I liked the element of surprise when he took a shortcut to get away from his pursuers but was outsmarted and ran directly into their trap. I felt sorry for him.

I was looking forward to Kalifax making it to the gate and escaping. That would have made for the next chapter. However it is flash fiction, right? I loved the energy and I recall holding my breath while he was trying to escape just hoping he'd make it. Then it was like, "Aw. He didn't make it. Darn."

I very much enjoyed this story. You did a fantastic job. Great writing!


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143
143
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  
for entry "Chapter Three:" 
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Kitt !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy. I have just read "Kinkaid's Heir" , Chapter 3 and would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.



Plot
I think the plot is good. I didn't see any holes and it kept my attention throughout the chapter.


Characterization
I think the characterization was great! All of the characters are believable and imaginable now that we have descriptions.


Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation Improvements
I've noted just a few things here that I think would improve the story. Please remember that I am not a professional and these are only my thoughts.

Suddenly the view of the ranch was blurry and swimming behind the tears that were filling her eyes. I don't think you need to add "that were filling her eyes." Just end the sentence with "tears".

Yes, daddy had said he might buy me a horse for my birthday. He had said that just two days before the ‘incident’. Remove the quotes from the word "incident".

I just hope I don’t make a complete fool of myself, she thought to herself. Just end the sentence with "she thought".

She parked in a spot marked for ‘guests’ and headed... Remove the quotes from "guests".

I've included more proposed improvements here. Feel free to peruse or not.
Additional Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation Proposed Improvements ▼

Flow of the Chapter
I think this chapter flows much better than the last two. You're doing a fantastic job!


Dialogue
The dialogue was good with just the right amount of conversation.


Setting
The setting was spot on! I think you did a great job with describing the setting.

As she approached the ranch she was impressed with the size of the property and just how superior it was compared to any other ranch she had ever seen.

What is it that makes this property more superior than another? This was my question, but it was answered later on with how well-maintained everything was. Loved it!


I am really liking this story! It gets better and better with each chapter. You continue to grow and it shows!

Great job!

~QPdoll
144
144
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  
for entry "Chapter Two:" 
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Kitt !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Kinkaid's Heir"  Chapter 2. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


CHAPTER TWO

Plot
I enjoyed the plot of this chapter. We learn a lot about Sarah and what she's done with the clinic. She has help from the retiring doctor and his assistant so all is well. But then there's the hint of a mystery surrounding Doc Harold and his institutionalized wife, not to mention a steamy romance on the way for Sarah!

Characterization
Your characters are believable but difficult to picture. I know that Amy has brown hair, (Amy’s frizzy brown head disappeared underneath the reception desk.) but I don't have an idea of what Sarah looks like and Doc Harold is old. I kind of picture Doc Hoag from Doc Hollywood as Doc Harold. Can I say Doc one more time?! *Ha*

Sarah Logan looked at her new receptionist and tried to put on a convincing smile but was sure it looked more like a grimace. This sentence is confusing to me because I don't understand what Sarah's trying to convince the receptionist of.

I'm not sure about the paragraph regarding Dr. Sykes's expectations of Sarah. I'm not sure how many therapists would encourage a plain out sexual relationship. But that's my opinion and you know what you want your story to say.

Grammatical Errors/Spelling/Punctuation
I've noted just a few things here that I think would improve the story. Please remember that I am not a professional and these are only my thoughts.

“Really, old Doc Harold never really did much with the place. If you start off with the word "Really" I think you should remove the second word "really". Really, old Doc Harold never did much with the place.


I have to admit it does look pretty good Sarah admitted to herself. Since you've already used the word admit it might read smoother of you state ...Sarah thought to herself.


Cheerful but clean with plenty of brand new exciting looking toys, books and play centers in the waiting room for over anxious children to occupy themselves while they waited to be seen.This sentence is confusing. What is the point of this sentence? Possibly it would read smoother if it was rearranged something like this: The waiting room was cheerful and clean with plenty of brand new, exciting toys, books and play centers for over-anxious children to occupy themselves with while they waited.

Additional Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation Improvements ▼


Flow of the Chapter
I feel like this chapter flowed much easier than the first chapter. There was one sentence I pointed out in the additional improvements that was a bit confusing.


Dialogue
I thought the dialogue flowed well and didn't see any instances where I thought more or less was needed. Good job!


Now I'm really interested in reading more! You've done a great job!

Happy Writing!
~QPdoll

My sig compliments of Hannah ♫♥♫

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145
145
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  
for entry "Chapter One:" 
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Kitt !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy . I have just read "Kinkaid's Heir"  Chapter 1 and would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


CHAPTER ONE

Plot
So far the plot of this story is interesting and I would continue reading to the next chapter. You've established what kind of man he is and what kind of relationships he wants. I'm interested in how Dean will work through his confusion about his choices. I want to see where everything's headed.


Characterization
I think the characters are believable. Dean has his own voice and I can imagine a tall "cowboy" kind of man.

We need to hear more from Lydia even though she may be a minor character in the story. In this chapter I don't know what kind of person Lydia is other than she's too thin and has teased blond hair. I think she would be more believable if she spoke up for herself.

On the flip side, I like how Allen held his tongue during Dean's and Lydia's argument. I'm looking forward to learning more about him and his relationship with Dean. Are they good friends? Do they just work together?


Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation Improvements
I've noted just a few things here that I think would improve the story. Please remember that I am not a professional and these are only my thoughts.

Damn it will the woman never understand? I think a comma should be placed after the word "it".

Dean Kinkaid found himself, for the first time in his thirty six years... Hyphenate thirty-six.

Abruptly and brutally honest with people to the point of rudeness his thoughts on any given subject were usually very clear to everyone around him. Abruptly and brutally honest with people, to the point of rudeness, his thoughts ...


I've included more proposed improvements here. Feel free to peruse or not. Additional Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation Improvements ▼


Flow of the Chapter
The chapter reads a bit choppy in places for me. I had to re-read one paragraph to understand the story due to some long sentences. But I am still interested to see what else is in store for Dean. The specific example is paragraph seven. It begins with Dean prided himself on .... It's near the end when it discusses his selection of women, etc. This has already been established and doesn't need to be reiterated.


Dialogue
Some parts of the dialogue didn't sound like people who talk to one another in a casual manner would sound. We don't necessarily speak out contractions unless we are giving a formal speech. One example is when Dean was thinking to himself in the sixth paragraph, She was not even close to his usual type.

I think some dialogue from Lydia is needed. If I were being told that a relationship was being broken off I'd have something to say about it.


Setting
I didn't realize they were in a barn until you stated that at the end of the chapter. Perhaps you could give some description here and there throughout the chapter. We know that there's a horse in the barn so there must be some smells related to it. There's typically a lot of dust and dirt inside barns. Possibly Lydia's wearing black or white and could be concerned about getting her clothes dirty. Something to help the reader "see" the setting.


(b}Length
I truly don't know how long a chapter is supposed to be, but I thought this first chapter was a little short. I'm just basing this on first chapters I've read.

Like I said, I'm not a professional writing. I just wanted to give you some feedback.
I think you're off to a good start with this chapter.


Keep writing, but most of all, have fun!
~QPdoll

*Fleurdelis**Fleurdelis**Fleurdelis**Fleurdelis**Fleurdelis*


My sig compliments of Hannah ♫♥♫

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146
146
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Star Kaat !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Secrets Of The Trees" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


First Impression
My first impression after I read your poem was that I could completely relate. You've done a good job creating the trees message of reflection.


What I like
I like the last stanza because of its reminder to keep our lives in perspective.

Remember when you stand in the middle of the forest,
how small you really are.
Remember that life and death are a cycle we all are a part of.
Remember that we all need each other to survive.


Mechanics
I saw no misspellings or punctuation errors.


Mood
I felt a sense of reverie when I read your poem. Especially when you began with, Oh the untold secrets that you hold.

Meditating in the woods could be very relaxing!


Diction
In my opinion, this stanza doesn't flow well.

There are even special people
that can hear the whispered message.
They are one with the forest and understand its need.
There is no simple way to tell that to someone.

Perhaps you could word it something like this:

There are special people who
can hear the whispered message.
They are one with the forest
and understand its need.


Imagery
Based on the first sentence, Oh the untold secrets that you hold, can you imagine what the forest could tell you?!

Your poem brought back memories of hunting days with my husband. I love being in the woods. It's very tranquil and it fuels your imagination.

I've seen many animals while sitting out in the Shawnee National Forest - racoons, opossums, chipmunks, turkeys, pheasants, deer and squirrels. Always lots of squirrels.

The wind moving through the trees certainly whispers messages. Hopefully messages that you want to hear!

It's amazing how silently you can walk through the leaf piled forest floor if you try. It's even easier if it's wet.


Ways to Improve

I think you might want to reconsider using the word "canopy" in back-to-back stanzas. Perhaps "cover" could be an option. But again, this is just my opinion.

The whisper of leaves, the sweet calls of birds
and the chirping of insects.
The pitter patter of water dripping from the canopy
and the rushing of streams over rocks.

Ants, beetles and millipedes making their way across the fallen leaves,
deer walking majestically through the woods.
Dappled sunlight on the forest floor as it breaks through the canopy.
Spiders spinning webs and bees buzzing loudly.

The third line of the following stanza could be stated differently but keep the same meaning.

When I stare into the vacuum of your eyes,
I see the innocence of a perfect world.
But as I continue to gaze into your now dimming golden-blue pools,
I am reminded of life's imperfections.

I believe you could restate it something like, As I gaze into your dimming golden-blue pools,


Summary
Secrets Of The Trees is a lovely poem that gives the reader a greater respect for the forest and the perspectives we glean from their stories and put into practice in our own lives.

I enjoyed your poem. You did a nice job. Never stop writing!



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147
147
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Jen~ !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy (I'm a newbie) and have just read "Elephant Lessons-14 Lines" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I like
I love elephants and that is what drew me to your poem. Elephants are such social and sensitive animals. They have long memories and it's amazing to see two elephants that haven't seen each other in years be reunited. It's a truly awesome site. Well I digress...

What I liked about your poem is the mood. You'll read more about that below.

I also like rhyming poems and each time I read your poem I like it even more.

Mechanics
Live your life happily, Pay attention to what you see I feel like there should be a period after happily as you've capitalized "Pay".

Tone
The tone, to me, seemed to be inquisitive. It's as if the speaker was having a particularly confusing day and decided to take a trip to the zoo. While checking out the elephants she had this great epiphany.

Mood
I thought it was light and philosophical. You made it fun (just by being at the zoo) with a message (Follow all your hopes and dreams, to the very end).

Poetic Devices
I believe the poetic devices used are Rhyme and Imagery. Although you didn't necessarily "describe" details, I could picture myself at the zoo watching the elephants wondering what they might think of us!

Pace
The pace was quick and smooth except for one stanza. She's happy where she is, knows there is no fears, I would have said knows there are no fears.


Rhythm
I felt that the poem read like one from child's story, which isn't a bad thing. I love to read with my daughters even though they're a little too old for me to read to them now. I love to read rhyming poems with my nine year old. We take turns reading the stanzas.


Believability
Your poem is believable because I do this very thing. I can totally relate and watching the elephants is my most favorite thing to do at the zoo.

Summary
This was so nice to read, over and over again because it brought back warm memories of seeing the elephants just this summer at the St. Louis Zoo.

Very nice job. I look forward to reading more of your poems.

Happy writing!


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148
148
Review of Annie  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hicarlton607 . This is a review for "Annie"  from the "Invalid Item"  and I'd like to offer the following comments.

PLEASE NOTE: These are only my opinions and suggestions.

Overall Impression:
I absolutely love thunderstorms so this story peaked my interest. Even though I love storms I could still relate to Annie's (and her dog's) fear.

You have a lot of ideas going on all at once but I think it has potential.

Suggestions:
*Dog1* You reference an event that happened in the past. It might move to story along if you describe the "it" event.

*Dog1* I can see where you describe the character Annie. For example, Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. It could read easier if you worded it something like this: Annie was frail but she was not that old. She had blond hair and a petite body. The sentence, But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. could be removed as you've already made reference to a stormy and dark night in the first paragraph.

*Dog1*She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side. I don't think the word giggle works well within this atmosphere of fear. Although some people do giggle when they're are scared. Perhaps the sentence would read smoother if you removed it. Let's see. She remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and sullenly turned onto her side.

*Dog1* Annie groaned at the pain she felt and tried to clutch her heart but her hands didn't move. We can't "clutch" our hearts but we can place our hand over our hearts. In this case she's too scared to move her hands at all. I see how you paint the picture of how afraid she is.

*Dog1* You reference Annie's eyes a couple of time in the story but you describe them differently. In one sentence you describe them as sea blue but in another you describe them as sky blue. Pick one color and stick with it.

*Dog1* We typically don't start sentences with "And", but that could be the old school in me. The sentence And then she gathered up all her strength to pull the blankets over her. could possibly read like this: Eventually she gathered up all her strength to pulled the blankets over her.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Always re-read your story to hunt out any misspellings. For example the sentence, Her breathes came in deep gasps. The word breathes is spelled breaths with no "e".

Final Thoughts:
I like the thunderstorm theme. I think this will be a great story once you work out the sentence structures and misspellings.

I see a lot of potential with your story and I think you're doing a wonderful job. Keep practicing and most importantly, keep writing!



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Review of Cheerleader  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi doc15 . This is a review from "Cheerleader" !

I have the following comments to offer but remember, these are my opinions and suggestions only.

Overall Impression: Your story made me feel sad because Eleanor lost her soul mate, her best friend. But it's bittersweet because she eventually finds a love interest, someone with which she could share her heart. It's especially sweet considering it happened with the help of her best friend from the afterlife. This could be a real story and I'm sure it resonates with many people.


Suggestions: I was confused about whether or not Eleanor and Lexi were roommates. Since Lexi didn't have any family I would assume that to be the case, but I was confused. Did Lexi and Eleanor meet in college?

What happened to Lexi? Maybe that's up to the reader to decide, but I wanted to know.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: In the sixth paragraph down where you start, "I'm Dr Dean Harper" I believe there needs to be a period after Dr. In the same paragraph you, like so many of us do, missed a "to"...I think you should come down to the hospital.

In the second paragraph where it says, Nothing good ever came of a middle of the night call... I think it should read, Nothing good ever came from a middle of the night call...

In the last paragraph where you say, He wasn't my soul mate, that title was truly held by Lexi, but it was the person who held my heart. I would suggest to change "it" to "he".



What I Like: I like that my sadness was lifted reading that Eleanor had discovered a friend she could love. I liked that Lexi continued to be her best friend forever and always. My favorite line is: That day she picked me up and showed me the rest of my life. Loved it!!

This is a heart wrenching as well as a heart warming story. Great job!


~QPdoll

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Review of The Fading Light  
Review by QPdoll
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow! I don't read much poetry, but I think you could get people to stop and think.

Don't stop writing.
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