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26
26
Review of Tuscan Heat  
for entry "Chapter One
Review by ~QPdoll
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, M.A Gonzales !

I discovered your piece in the Please Review forum. I liked your description of the story. The title sounds like a Harlequin Romance. *Smile*


Overall Impression:
I liked the story itself. The idea of meeting your teenage crush twenty years later is kind of exciting.

It was sometimes a bit confusing because I couldn't keep track of who was speaking. Maybe it was because I was interrupted a few times while I was reading it. I think that the formatting might help to keep it straight. The dialogue was mixed in with the narrative and I think that's where I lost the rhythm.

The dialogue sounded real. I could totally see Marlina and Lillian hanging in the kitchen, preparing dinner together, and drinking wine.


What I liked:
I liked the part of the story where Marlina was running upstairs to get a shower before all the dinner guests were to begin arriving.

I have to say that I feel like I've read this story (kind of) before. But like I said earlier, it reminded me of a Harlequin Romance.

The story did make me smile though. I loved the relationship between Marlina and Lillian.

I didn't understand the statement, "Now you know why." when they were talking about how successful he was and his filled classes.


Plot:
There was a good buildup with the sisters talking and making dinner. I think the reactions of the characters during the conversation went well. I think that Marlina behaved the same way I think I'd behave. I would definitely feel numb. I think that's the feeling she was going for with downing the wine.

The characters seemed real to me and again, the dialogue was great.

I was excited by the end wanting to know how the dinner went.


Suggestions:
There were a couple of typos in the story. They were:

If she was going to relieve this damn story then she was going to need more wine.

Lilian quirked her brow scooping the chopped tomatoes into the salad wooden salad bowl.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I think this is a fabulous first chapter. And I want to tell you that the prologue was awesome. It made me want to read it.


I know this isn't a true in-depth review, but I hope you get a few things out of it. I think you're off to a wonderful start.


Happy writing!



New Signature made by A.E. Wilcox

27
27
Review of Andy  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Joe DeLucia !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Andy. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.

I found your piece under Read and Review.


What I Like:

This was a story that made me feel happy and sad at the same time. It depicts a number of families' situations in such a hard life. I did have to look up what "wop" meant, though. Goes to show how much I know about that day and age.

I like the title of the story as well, as it is Andy's story.

I liked that the story was easy to read. I didn't stumble over anything. The only thing I disliked about it was the story itself, but not because it wasn't well written, rather it made me really sad for Andy.


My Favorite Part:
The story made me smile but only after knowing that he was successful


Setting:
This story took place at the Labor Hall and at both of Andy's residences. I was able to picture all of them clearly.


Plot:
Andy seemed real to me and this story could be a truthful recount of someone's real life. I was able to follow Andy's travels and successes as we walked through his life of different jobs that he did to make ends meet and feed, house, and clothe his family.


Suggestions:
I've learned that certain words, used as verbs or helping verbs, makes passive voice. "Was" is one of those words and I found that word used a number of times.

One small example is:

Andy stood proudly, chin up, chest out. There was a large sign hanging directly over his head.

This could be written like this:

Andy stood proudly, chin up, chest out. A large sign hung directly over his head.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a bittersweet story and I think you did a fine job. It really depicted, in my opinion, the day and life of a migrant worker in that day and age.

Keep writing and learning. You've done a wonderful job.




New Signature made by A.E. Wilcox

28
28
Review of Emile and Jamie  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Floyd Roots .

I'm QPdoll and found your short story "Emile and Jamie on the "Please Review" section of WDC. I'd like to share my thoughts and opinions.


Personal Impression/Opinion

Wow! This is a powerful piece. I've always wanted to have that kind of closeness that twins have. What made me like the story was that closeness you portrayed. The weird thing is that I was actually a twin, but my sister died before we were born. So this really drew me in.


Effectiveness of Tone and Mood

I don't know why but I originally thought this was going to be a story taking place in the 1800's or so. I think it was because of this part of the first paragraph: wandering the woods and meadows these past three days.

Obviously, that wasn't the case and it became clear quickly that it was taking place in present day.

The tone of the story was serious. We know right from the beginning that there is something majorly wrong going on. It made me want to read more to find out the problem. The writing was effective in that I could understand their attachment and strong bond with each other.


Emotional Reaction

I felt such pain and woe for the girls. It was obvious that there was going to be something big that happened with them from the first paragraph.

I wanted to step in and help Emily with the stitches so she could answer the phone and talk with her sister.


Plot Development

The opening drew me in with your description of Emily's reaction to the pain she was feeling.

The plot moved along well and kept me interested to see what would happen next.

I liked the ending. It was a surprise but after I thought about it, it made complete sense. They just couldn't survive apart from one another.


Characterization

I pictured the characters as blonde-haired and blue-eyed. About halfway through the story you confirmed the picture I had formed in my head. You described them as 5'2" with blondish brown hair. I pictured them having blue eyes, but that might not have been the case.

I would suggest trying to work in a little description of them earlier in the story. You don't have to give a big information dump, but something like their blue eyes looking back at one another. Then a little later another physical description. Something to give the reader an idea of their physical attributes along the way.

I loved how the girls were complete opposites but still had that twin bond which brought them so close to each other.


Dialogue

As far as dialogue goes, I think it was accurate to normal conversation. However, focus on the spacing. For example, the first introduction to dialogue in the story is this:

“Ew! You want to be what?”
“A mortician; you know, like an undertaker or something; a person who prepares dead bodies for burial.”
“I KNOW what a mortician is, Auntie, I just can’t believe that you would want to do something so, so disgusting! Ew! Gross!”


Each time a person speaks should be on a different line, which you've done. It's just the spacing that's off. It would read easier if there were line spaces between each character's statement.

“Ew! You want to be what?”

“A mortician; you know, like an undertaker or something; a person who prepares dead bodies for burial.”

“I KNOW what a mortician is, Auntie, I just can’t believe that you would want to do something so, so disgusting! Ew! Gross!”


Each character was their own person. You did a good job.


Imagery / Sensory Description

See, hear, taste, smell, and touch. These help to bring the reader into the story and make them feel that they are actually right there next to the character.

You did a great job with imagery in the first paragraph and throughout the story. You gave excellent descriptions. For example, Rain plummeted hard and gelid against her form as lightning menaced about the heavy skies with streaks of eerie brilliance and ground shaking rolls of thunder. Very nice. You even threw in a word many people might not know.

Do what you can to remove as many "was, had, were, that" words as possible. Those words are passive and disengage the reader just a little. For example, During another account, Emily suffered quick agony along with deep bruising, when Jamie had fallen from the school slipper slide and broke her arm.

It would read a bit smoother written something like this: During another account, Emily suffered quick agony along with deep bruising, when Jamie fell from the school slipper slide and broke her arm.

If you use the Find function you'll see a number of instances where "had" shows up. But it's okay to have a few. Don't feel like you have to get rid of them all.


This is a good piece of writing and I really enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for sharing.

~QPdoll

Santa and snow men
29
29
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BigOosh .

I'm ~QPdoll . I ran across your story when I looked up short stories. I'm part of the Paper Doll Gang's Rockin' Reviewer's Group. I know it's a work in progress but wanted to give you a review, just for advice and encouragement. Please take what you want and throw out anything else.


Personal Impression/Opinion
I enjoyed reading your story. I know it's not finished but it's off to a great start. I'm interested in learning more about Tan and what she discovers about her father.


Effectiveness of Tone and Mood
The tone of the piece was casual but serious. You could tell Tan had some things to work out and was struggling with a bit. You used the perfect sentence length to set the tone of the story. Long, flowing sentences showed me that it was a relaxed atmosphere, albeit sad.

The mood of the story had me feeling bad for Tan and her loss.


Emotional Reaction
I felt sad for Tan but hopeful that she was going to discover something very unique about her father.

I didn't lose interest in the story and read to the very end without any hiccups or stumbling.

However, I didn't feel the pain she must have been feeling. It felt more matter-of-fact than emotional. But maybe that was your intent.


Plot and Conflict
You opened with a small irritation of Tan's hair blowing into her face. You showed that well. I wanted to know why she was at the beach.

As the story progressed we learned why Tan was at the beach and about the problem Tan was struggling with. The story was realistic and the character was believable.

Tan struggled with the death of her father and you weaved a really nice story. I know it's not finished but I really wanted to see what happened next.


Imagery / Sensory Description
Tan is at the beach and there's so much going on around her. The wind is wildly blowing, the ocean rushes the beach, and salt is in the air. What does the sand feel like on her feet? Is she barefoot or sneakered?

You did a good job with describing the wild wind always had at the beach. I think you could use more sensory description. Sensory, meaning what does the character smell, hear, taste, touch, and see.

Do what you can to remove as many "was, had, were, that" words as possible. Those words are passive and disengages the reader. For example, Tann looked at the photo and while she knew the mermaid had to be fake, she couldn’t tell.

Another way to say this is Tann looked at the photo and while she knew the mermaid must be fake, she couldn’t tell.


Even though this isn't a finished piece, I enjoyed reading it. You've done a fine job. With just a bit more practice around active vs. passive voice, I think you'll have a great story. {I'm still learning about active and passive voice, too.)

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll
30
30
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, DeNine !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang's Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "WHAT AM I?- Nephilim's Fall Chapter One. I would like to share my thoughts.

Please remember that these are only my thoughts and opinions.


Plot

I was able to follow the story. With this being just the first chapter a lot of questions arise but can't be answered yet. However, we do get a glimpse of why Kyle doesn't like Josh. I wondered if Jennifer is truly as nice as she's portrayed or if she has some ulterior motives for being nice to Kyle.

Kyle DeNine is a lonely seventeen-year-old high schooler with an alcoholic father. Josh Walker is Kyle's nemesis. Kyle is the kid with little and Josh is the kid with plenty. Due to Kyle's tardiness, he had to decide between detention and working with the school's Drama Club. This is where he officially met Jennifer. Later the two are paired up to write a paper. Ultimately Kyle meets a deadly situation due to Josh's jealousy.

Hopefully, we'll learn more about each of them throughout the story.

Characterization

The only description I recall of Josh is that he is an athlete, attractive, and very well liked.

We get a description of Jennifer, blonde and beautiful.

We also get a description of Kyle, dark brown hair and eyes with boring round glasses and acne.

I could picture the characters with Jennifer and Josh being much more confident than Kyle. We see Kyle's home life and learn a little bit about his family.

Here are a couple of sites to check out more about characterization:
https://literarydevices.net/characterization/
http://udleditions.cast.org/craft_elm_characteriza...


Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation

"As I'm sure you all know-" She said, clicking a button so that a picture of a few pills and powders appeared on the white board. The "S" in she (which is a dialogue tag) does not need to be capitalized since it's part of the whole sentence.

D!? There should only be one punctuation mark at the end of the sentence. Your reader will understand the excitement in the statement.

Read through the chapter again and look for double punctuation marks, formatting paragraphs, and capitalizations of dialogue tags.


Flow of the Chapter

The chapter flowed okay. I think the chapter will flow much better when it gets formatted and the punctuation is corrected.


Dialogue

The dialogue was good. However, I think you have opportunities to make it better.

Here's some information about writing dialogue which has really helped me in my writing: https://www.thebalance.com/punctuating-dialogue-pr...


Setting

Most of the story took place at school. I think you could pull in the reader a little more by adding descriptions. We saw the Jaguar when Kyle pulled into the school parking lot, but what does the outside of the school look like? What kind of desks are there inside the classroom? Did the library have a smell to it?

One thing I've learned is to write using the five senses: sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste. I still find it difficult to remember to include these things in my writing. *Pthb*


Suggestions

The rain fell steadily, drenching the plants and trees. My suggestion to remove the adverb here is: The steady rain drenched the plants and trees.

Check this out to read more about the adverb and why we should avoid them: https://www.writingforward.com/writing-tips/writin...

I got out and heaved my backpack with me. Maybe say something like: heaved my backpack onto my shoulder.

Additional Suggestions


I love the ending to this chapter. It definitely makes the reader want to turn the page and start the next one. I would anticipate that Kyle will be expected to do things he doesn't want to do. I kept thinking to myself that he should get more details before signing anything.

I've rated this chapter with 3.5 stars. I will enjoy reading it. The item is somewhat original and creative in the theme, plot, and layout. Most of the item is clear and concise in its wording, meaning or plot. But the item, in my opinion, doesn't flow consistently and smoothly.

This is a good story. I think with some fine-tooth editing you'll be on the right track to creating a good novel, novella, etc.

I hope this is the kind of feedback you were looking for. If you have any questions, please let me know. I'm happy to review again and/or review any future chapters. Thank you for the awesome opportunity to read your writing. I enjoyed it.

Happy writing!


New Signature made by A.E. Wilcox



31
31
Review of Capture The Flag  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Royal Eduardo

This is a House Stark review of "Capture The Flag for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Was Malik the commander? I don't recall seeing this name until the end of the story. Good for Southerland to show that he could accomplish the task even against the will of his commander. He did it!

*Crown* Plot/Story: It was kind of tough for Southerland to prove himself to everyone, and to himself, that he would accomplish the task. Everything seemed to fall into place for Southerland, except when he got shot, of course.

*Crown* Characterization: I didn't get a real good sense of Southerland. He was definitely unafraid to take on the challenge and did very well at thinking strategically. A physical description might have helped me to bring the character more to life.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that Southerland won the "game" without anybody's help.

*Crown* Suggestion(s):
Blackness threatened to overtake him but he pushed through and finally made it to doorway. Just forgot "the" here.

*Crown* Parting Comments: This was creative and interesting. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


32
32
Review of Coming Home  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, 🌓 HuntersMoon

This is a House Stark review of "Coming Home for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Waaahhhh! That's the first thing I wanted to do, wail. How sad was this story? But, the next thing was the feeling of being a little miffed that he was too little, too late.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story opens up at a funeral. Perfect hook! The whole funeral elapsed through the story. With the rifle fire and other noises and smells, I did feel like I was there. However, the story did move along pretty fast.

*Crown* Characterization: We see Lisa, pregnant as she sits on the bench. I kind of felt like I was in a daze right along with her. I could understand her pain and anger of losing Jack. We get a small glimpse of Jack as he made himself known to Lisa after the funeral. He kept his promise after all.

*Crown* What I Liked: This was a sad story and I can't say I liked anything about it, except the writing of course!

*Crown* Parting Comments: You did such a fine job with this story. Even though it was sad and I didn't like that he was gone, it was well done.


Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


33
33
Review of Little Jamey  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Jace

This is a House Stark review of "Little Jamey for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Aw, dangit. Another sad story. But it was kind of a happy ending. At least she knew that her son was okay.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was easy to follow except for the beginning. I just didn't quite understand the (choke), (cough), and (sigh deeply). Those seem more like telling to me. Again, you write so fluidly, after the beginning I read everything with no problems. However, I didn't feel pulled into the story.

*Crown* Characterization: I pictured Donna as a middle-aged woman who missed her son and husband tremendously. Unfortunately, she blamed herself for her son's death. We, the reader, get a good look at her and her future husband while in high school, but I didn't feel very close to her like I knew her.

*Crown* What I liked: I liked that Jamey was able to say goodbye. I hope it helped Donna to move on from blaming herself.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I hope to never be in this kind of position, ever. Although something seemed off compared to your other writings, I did enjoy this story.


Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


34
34
Review of The Refuge  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jace

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Refuge for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: She finally found true love, after all those years.

*Crown* Plot/Story: I was able to follow the story pretty well. I felt her pain and suffering, especially when she was a little girl. I did get confused at one point as to whether they were in Missouri or Minnesota.

*Crown* Characterization: We learned a lot about her and why she thought and felt the way she did. The only thing we didn't learn about her was her name. We also learned about Ricky and how awesome he was. Who wouldn't want to have a person like him in their lives?

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that she eventually found her true love again, even though it was in death. She had suffered so through her whole life, it was time she was truly happy.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I've been taught that when you want to emphasize words in your writing they should be in italics as opposed to being bolded.

This was a sad story, but it was interesting. I'm not sure I enjoyed it as much as I have your other stories. However, the writing was great.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


35
35
Review of Captured  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jace

This is a House Stark review of "Captured for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Oh! I was so glad that Chelsea was found! What hell Mr. McCann had been through.

*Crown* Plot/Story: This story is well-written and portrayed the situations with just the right amount of suspense. This man had lost his wife and now his daughter. You showed the anger and frustration he was going through with the bathroom scene.

*Crown* Characterization: I missed reading about physical descriptions. However, we get a sense of how sweet Chelsea was and how Mr. McCann blamed himself. I got a sense of how Mr. McCann hurt. His actions showed that well.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that the film obviously led the FBI to the abductor. I liked that the story read so fluidly.

"I'll only be a moment, honey.".... Personally if it were me, I would remove the dots and stick with the period.

*Crown* Parting Comments: You've done a great job with this story. It had me on edge until the very end when it was confirmed that he did indeed have his daughter back. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


36
36
Review of Little Ships  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Jace

This is a House Stark review of "Little Ships for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Oh what pain Henri endured for the rest of his life. I felt like crying while reading and afterward as well.

*Crown* Plot/Story: You really pulled at the heartstrings for me. The story read beautifully. I truly felt like I was with Henri throughout the story.

*Crown* Characterization: I was able to picture the four Englishmen who helped Henri and even the shed with the bunker. Physical descriptions were not needed. Henri's personality came out vividly. I was surprised to learn that he was only nine years old. When the story began I was expecting someone older.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked how smoothly the story read. There were no places where I stumbled or had to reread. I usually don't like war stories and actually thought about moving to a different story, but I wanted to know what the miracle of Dunkirk was.

*Crown* Parting Comments: Much to my astonishment, I enjoyed the sad story. Although I don't know many war stories that aren't.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


37
37
Review of Hiccup!  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Shaara

This is a House Stark review of "Hiccup! for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: This was too funny. I think this cure would work for me as well if I had the hiccups!

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was so easy to follow and I didn't stumble on anything. The first paragraph did make me want to know what happened. I knew, from the picture, that it would have something to do with snakes. Even though it was a short story you had all of the elements of a story, introduction, rising action, climax, falling action, and conclusion.

*Crown* Characterization: I could feel how much he loved his wife. Great job with that description. I could picture both of them, her a little petite and he, a big, strong man. It was obvious what motivated him to go to the pet store.

*Crown* What I Liked: We can move furniture into fifteen contortions without a flinch, but one tear from our woman turns us into a jellyfish. I loved this sentence because it totally described his love for her.

*Crown* Parting Comments: This story is so sweet and funny. Although I, like your character, am not fond of snakes, it did do the trick. No more hiccups.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


38
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Review of Rick's Repose  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

This is a House Stark review of {item:} for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: What an awfully sad story. But I can empathize with people when they're in the kind of situation Rick was in. I hope to never be in that position.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The events were easy to follow and I found no misspellings or grammar errors. It was definitely a somber story all around with his illness and his son's obvious dismissal. I kind of understand about his smoking. I quit smoking almost nineteen years ago and I've always thought that if I reach the age of eighty I'd take it up again. Ha!

*Crown* Characterization: We did get a sense of the character's personality and the way he thought about his situation. It's too bad he chose the path he did.

*Crown* What I Liked: I can't say I liked the story, per say, but I did enjoy how well the story read. It was easy to read with no stumbling over the words.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I was sorry to read the ending of the story. I guess we all do have a little too much control over whether or not we live or die.

Keep on writing. You've done a great job with this story!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


39
39
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, SandraLynn

This is a House Stark review of "Medical Treatment Is A Pain In The... for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: And we let these people run the hospital! What has happened to common sense?

*Crown* Plot/Story: I work in a hospital and am actually angry that you had to go through this. Well, I'm assuming it's a true story. Even if it's just a made up story it hits pretty darn close to home. I can see the humor and idiocy in the story. You did a nice job of weaving the events together. The story was easy to follow with no stumbling over the words.

*Crown* Characterization: It was good how you introduced the physical characteristics of Dorothy. We understand that she is an older woman with a severely swollen ankle.

There wasn't a description of the doctor but we did get a glimpse into his personality. He was oblivious to the obvious. *Laugh* *Rolling*

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked how you brought the reader right into the story. I felt like I was there watching Dorothy trying to make her way to the radiology department on a sprained ankle.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I sure hope this was a made up story but somehow I suspect it was not. *I shake my head.* Sometimes things like this are so dang unbelievable. It's amazing that people get well when they go into a hospital!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


40
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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Craig Henders

This is a House Stark review of "The train to... (for The Writer's Cramp) for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: I wish more people could find the beauty in their own neck of the woods. It's fabulous that you were able to find that in Michigan. I've never been there but I've heard that it's really pretty.

*Crown* Plot/Story: I think the story was easy to follow and I only stumbled in a few places. You make some great points about what people see and what they truly see.

*Crown* Characterization: We don't really get a physical description of him, but we get a good idea of his personality. He's kind of fed up with the everyday bump and grind. He's ready to spread out for just a bit and fall into some nature.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that he was able to see beauty in what many people saw as the death of a great city. You have a way with words.

*Crown* Suggestion(s):
Sure, these concept ... "youth", all theses cars are simply fast toys that waste fuel. Oops, just an extra "s" here.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I think you're right. The office could do just fine without you for a couple of days!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


41
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Review of The Old Bookstore  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Graham Douglas

This is a House Stark review of "The Old Bookstore for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Clever. Very clever. Definitely food for thought.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was easy to follow and the underlying message was also noted. It was actually kind of exciting to think about shopping around in a used book store. It was kind of a lesson to teach us that sometimes what we're looking for is right in front of our face.

*Crown* Characterization: The carefree owner was awesome. He was a patient man and eager to teach. At least that's what I thought of him. I pictured him as an elderly gentleman. I saw the other gentleman, not as an extremely young man, but maybe someone in his late forties or early fifties. Someone who's looking for some meaning in his life.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked the location of the story. It's the one place we can always find answers and new places to visit, right?

*Crown* Parting Comments: I really liked this short story. It made me think about how we shouldn't live in the past for we have a full future ahead of us. Thank you for sharing. Happy Writing!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


42
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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie Kay

This is a House Stark review of "Buster the Benevolent Boxer for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: I love Buster! I don't know if this is a true story or not, but I suspect that it could be. What a life saver he was.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was fun and exciting and full of drama. I felt like I was with Buster watching Paddy as she played through the den to the tree. I have two cats so I completely understand the way they play with toys, especially the kinds of things they make to be toys.

*Crown* Characterization: Buster and Paddy were the typical dog and cat, I think. I always wonder what they would be saying if I could hear them talk. I think you did a fantastic job with their characters.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that everyone got out of the fire okay. Even though Paddy started the fire, I like her, too. She's just as much a part of the family.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I especially enjoy your writing. It's easy to follow and reads so smoothly. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of The Classic  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Maci

This is a House Stark review of "The Classic for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: I hope I am able to have such loving memories when I reach Lily's age. What a wonderfully sweet woman Lily is. I felt bad for her that she was alone.

*Crown* Plot/Story: This is such a sweet and touching story. The story made sense and I was able to follow it all the way through.

*Crown* Characterization: We caught a glimpse of the kind of fun-loving person Lily was and still is. I could totally picture her walking around the house in her nightgown and finally finding her way under a nice warm quilt. I felt like I was right there with her. I could see her falling asleep with a smile on her face.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked this whole story, from beginning to end. I felt like I got to know just a little bit about Lily. She's someone I'd love to be friends with.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I think you did a fantastic job with this story. It was heartwarming but a little sad at the same time. You did very well with the description, especially surrounding the bed she slept in and the flannel nightgown she wore.

I really enjoyed reading the story. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Growing Pains  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Robert Martin

This is a House Stark review of "Growing Pains for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: I wonder the same thing about my children. I don't want to lose the relationships we have but at some point, I won't be what they need anymore.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was easy to follow and I had to smile about your daughter in the shower. My oldest has learned, finally, not to take thirty-minute showers anymore. I can also understand your pain about your son growing out of his shoes in record time. I deal with that with my other daughter.

*Crown* Characterization: I suspect your daughter is the oldest, only because my oldest daughter acts the same way. She's always the, as you said, detonator. It's amazing how the younger child loses their mind with one word from the older one.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked knowing that I'm not the only parent dealing with children who don't seem to have a care in the world other than themselves and what's going on with them at that very moment. So they don't have any understanding of what happens to us when we're late for work!

*Crown* Parting Comments: This was a wonderful story. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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45
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, CanImagine

This is a House Stark review of "Be Careful What You Tell Your Kids for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: *Laugh**Rolling**Laugh**Rolling* I laugh only because I've heard about the many, many things my husband did when he was a kid. Lucky for him, he didn't get caught!

*Crown* Plot/Story: I followed the storytelling just fine. You stated everything very well, step-by-step, beginning with your own mischievousness. It's only right that your son would want to follow in your footsteps.

*Crown* Characterization: Since this was a true story, the characters are already real and they came across that way, too. I got a true sense of how your son wanted to be just like you. You sound like a fun dad.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that the police gave you an opportunity to have a say in how your son was punished. I don't think I would have sent my child off to juvenile detention either. Great call!

I also grew up when there wasn't so much danger around us on a daily basis. It's too bad we can't go back to those days.

*Crown* Parting Comments: This was truly funny. But I couldn't imagine being in your or your wife's place. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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46
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Zen

This is a House Stark review of "An Omnibus Adventure for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Why didn't the police do something sooner? Was he waiting for the right opportunity? I guess the woman found a way to give him that opportunity.

*Crown* Plot/Story: This was a story that, unfortunately, could actually happen on any bus in any city. The story was easy to follow. I didn't have to stop and re-read anything. It was full of action and adventure. I liked how the story ended.

*Crown* Characterization: Although we don't learn too much about the person telling the story, we can sense his sarcasm through the way he spoke and the things he said and thought. I couldn't tell if Miss Red Sweater was courageous or not so smart. Either way, she was a pivotal person in the story.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that the bad guy was caught and especially the way in which he was caught. I also like that you probably taught the reader a new word: eunuch.

*Crown* Parting Comments: It would be interesting to know what made the dog clamp on maybe whether or not he was taken to the hospital to have the dog removed. *Laugh*



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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47
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, James F. Dracon

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Outlaw Had Mercy (Vengeance Version) for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Ah, did he really have to die? Well, yes, I guess he did. I kind of liked Kerry even though he wasn't such an upright citizen.

*Crown* Plot/Story: This story was surely full of action and adventure, but I feel like things didn't necessarily happen to move the story along but to fill the page. I did get the message that he loved his family so much that he put himself in danger to be near them.

*Crown* Characterization: Kerry is a rogue character but he loves his wife and they both love their girls. Unfortunately for all of them, he's involved with people who are dangerous.

*Crown* What I Liked: I have this thing about Ireland ... I love it and would love to visit. I relish Gaelic and would love to learn it and enjoyed seeing it in the story, even though I have no clue what it said.

*Crown* Suggestions:
"What did you mean about the... Woman... in Dublin?" Since this is not a name, it should not be capitalized.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I enjoyed the story even though Kerry didn't survive. Great job!


Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jeannie

This is another House Stark Battle review of "Bosco The Llama Comes to the Farm ♥ A children's Story.♥ for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: I like to read children's books to my daughter but she's getting "to old" for this kind of story.

*Crown* Plot/Story: It was a good story with a good message, not to judge things too soon.

*Crown* Characterization: Unfortunately for me, I can't figure out what kind of animal Bosco is. It might be good to have him explain to the alpaca and goat what he is.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that Bosco was able to make friends with the other animals and they were able to all share their thoughts on how to best protect themselves.

*Crown* Suggestions:
“They’re just the cows ... for the bull, Boris.” Gloria warned. There should be a comma after Boris because it's a statement with a dialogue tag.

“Right now, he's scares me.” You don't need the "'s" here.

“Can you kick sideways?” Boscoe asked. Oops, you added an "e" here. There are a couple of places in the story where the name is misspelled.

*Crown* Parting Comments: This was a sweet story with a good lesson. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Small Fry  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Maci

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Small Fry for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: Aw, what a great firefly Small Fry was. He really was a hero. He helped the mother firefly out when he really didn't have to.

*Crown* Plot/Story: This is a good story but could use a little more action. Maybe there were things that Small Fry could overcome before finding the baby firefly, instead of just looking. Possibly there was someone out "collecting" them. Maybe give it some "close calls."

*Crown* Characterization: I like how you showed Small Fry. He was a loving and caring firefly and we learned about his dreams as well. He also had the brightest light. Very nice descriptions.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that it was a happy ending and kind of portrayed a good message. It's always nice to be able to help someone and have a good outcome.

*Crown* Suggestion(s):
I think you could format the story to make it easier to read by creating paragraphs, instead of having the story in one great big block.

One day while he trying to sleep ... I believe that "was" should be entered between "he" and "trying".

Because of that, Small Fry sat landed beside her and stayed with her till nighttime came. Pick which one you want, "sat" or "landed."

*Crown* Parting Comments: This was creative and sweet. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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50
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jeannie

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Mystery of Bo's Obsession for "Game of Thrones.


*Crown* First thoughts: The first thing I thought was that the story could have been drawn out a lot longer. Things fell in place quickly and left nothing to the reader to predict.

*Crown* Plot/Story: I liked the mystery of the story, it just didn't leave much to the imagination. If there was a word limit to the story I can understand it's short length.

*Crown* Characterization: I perceived Todd as a carefree-type of person. Detective Hall, Percy, and Joyce all seemed a bit flat to me.

*Crown* What I Liked: I like that you had a lot of characters in the story. Unfortunately, I believe that was one of the downsides to the story as well. I think if there were less characters you could have lengthened the story.

*Crown* Suggestions:
"I'm Detective Hall, do you know anything about this box, and why it's buried under Elmer's sycamore tree?" Detective Hall asked Oops, forgot the period.

Walking into police headquarters ... serial number on the gun, before he sent the it to forensics; I think "the" wasn't intended to be there.


*Crown* Parting Comments: Even though it was short and everything seemed to fall conveniently into place, I enjoyed the story. Keep writing!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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