Hello, Breach  . I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang's Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have read "From The Breach: Chapter 1: Dragons"  . I would like to share my thoughts and opinions.
Please know that these are simply my thoughts and opinions. I'm not a professional editor so please take what you can use and forget the rest.
I'd like to welcome you to Writing.com! I see that you've just joined us in March. I sure hope you're finding your way around and are getting to know lots of people. If you have any questions or need some help, please let me know. I'd love to help out in any way I can.
I'm surprised and thrilled that you requested a review from me. I hope you find it helpful, because that's the way it's intended. I simply start at the top and make my way down, noting anything that pops out at me.
So, without further ado, let's get started.
One thing I learned is that we want to remove as many "was, had, were, that" words as possible. Those words are passive and they disengage the reader just a little. (I use "was" and "had" quite a bit in my writing. I have to go back when I'm editing and use the find tool to show me where they're all at so I can figure out a different way to say what I mean.)
 He shivered and pulled his gray blanket around his shoulders. The wind had persisted since he had left his village earlier that morning. To remove the two instances of had, these sentences could be written something like this: The wind persisted as he shivered and pulled his gray blanket around his shoulders. This kind of, I hope, gives you an idea of how to remove those words and still keep the meaning.
This helps me learn to recognize and point out passive writing as opposed to active writing. So this review helps me, too. You'll find that doing reviews will get easier the more you do them. It's a fabulous opportunity to learn as well.
If you click on the dropdown you'll see additional things I noted while reading the first chapter. Please don't let it deter or disappoint you. They are just things I would want someone to bring to my attention were they doing a review for me.
Spelling/Punctuation/Grammar ▼ "They're more aggressive these days. some say they've gotten bigger. Oops, forgot to capitalize the S in some.
His started, he heard the snow behind him crunching ... This is a bit confusing to me. I think that beginning the sentence with He heard ... would read easier.
His horses stopped screaming they thumped to the ground.I think this sentence needs the word "and" added between "screaming" and "they."
"Get him to his feet!" a voice came from out of sight. An exclamation point here is not necessary because the reader should already be aware that this is an action-packed scene and sense the excitement. My experience has been that exclamation points are kept to a minimum because it sounds like everything is being screamed. We can tell that their voices are loud with the words we use to describe them, like: boomed, shouted, called, etc.
As he hit the ground, atop the man's chest, he heard the the other ... Just an extra "the" added. (I do this frequently.)
Finally he tore the knife from the man's hand and stood, looking down to face the man. Possibly, you could exchange the second "man" with "him."
He hit the ice hard, his teeth chomped through his tongue, and wasted no time dragging himself to his feet. Because the next line states, "He scrambled to his feet unsteadily ... " there's no reason to state it twice. My suggestion would be to remove the bolded part of this sentence.
Branston nodded slowly, lowering his palms slowly. My recommendation would be to remove the second slowly.
Branston's heard only the wind at first ... There's no need for an apostrophe and an s here. Branston heard ...
The rider wore a tall steel helmet that hid his face, but he had a crossbow aimed at Faldasir Oops, forgot the "h".
The horse was almost upon him, so he jumped behind a tree, and a sword whistled overhead. I'm not sure that a sword could whistle overhead if the person was behind a tree. This part didn't make sense to me. However, I could be reading it incorrectly.
Branston bellowed a frustrated curse, the man had gotten away! In my opinion, these should be two separate sentences.
Faldashir's eyes darted around, as if looking for the rider, his mouth was open and he stared out that the spot where the man had been only a moment before. I'm not sure I understand "Faldishar's eyes darting around, as if looking for the rider ... " Was he or was he not looking for the rider? If so,
I think "as if" should be removed.
This was an exciting first chapter. Some questions I have are:
 Who is it that went north? The dragons or the Guards?
"So he took off running, and cursed Faldashir's name as pain surged through his leg." How did he hurt his leg? I don't remember reading that he hurt his leg.
Where was Branston heading?
I'm interested in learning more about the polished black stone, the reason Branston is running away from Krassos, and what has happened to Branston's father.
I see that you've got six chapters in your port and I'm looking forward to reading them all. I like this story and want to know where it goes.
You've done a wonderful job with this story. It was a pleasure to read and review the first chapter.
Thank you for sharing. Oh, and I'm happy to review the first chapter again after you edit it. Just let me know.
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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