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76
76
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, LHolloway !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Thanksgiving Return" . I found your story on the Please Review area of the Community Feed and would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.


Overall Impression:
I think the title very much fits the story.

This story was very enjoyable. It captured my attention and held it through to the end. The first line had me immediately in a department store.

I really liked Jane. I felt like the reader truly got to know her. We heard her inner most thoughts and that brought her to life.

I liked this story because it seemed like a true event, or at least one I could imagine happening.


Setting:
The story took place in a store and at the family home. I can't say that we got a sense of what the store looked like, but I was able to picture the incident with the customer well. Most of us have been inside of a department store so I could picture it just fine.

I was able to picture the farmhouse and it's acreage. I longed to be there myself.


Plot:
The story opens with Jane being called to help an employee with an irate customer. We then move to Jane traveling and being at home with her whole family on Thanksgiving.

I enjoyed meeting her genuine family. They all kind of said it like it is, Jane included.


Suggestions:
One thing I would suggest is to add some spacing to the story to make it easier to read.

Do what you can to remove as many "was, had, were, that" words as possible. Those words are passive and disengages the reader just a little.

For Example
Your sentence: I was sitting next to my sister.
New sentence: I sat next to my sister.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: ▼


Final Thoughts/Comments:
I enjoyed getting to know Jane and seeing her change, to finally find some self-confidence and begin making her own way.




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77
77
Review of Push  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Cheri Annemos !

I am reviewing this entry to the No Dialogue Contest. I am also a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Push" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.


Overall Impression:
I felt very sad for Jake. How disheartening for him. A student tries and tries so hard to make the best grades and learn everything they can, and for what? I hated that he had to eat his dream and that not going to college was now part of his reality.

My favorite line: He had to mourn the death of his dreams. I liked this imagery.


Setting:
This story took place on a bus and in a school counselor's office. I think you did an excellent job with the bus scene. I remember riding the bus when I was in school and it was just as you described with "lethargic shufflers".

I liked the description of Mr. Bingham's behavior. He gave every indication that things were not going as Jake had planned. You showed Mr. Bingham's frustration well.


Plot:
I enjoyed the part about waiting for the bus. I remember waiting for the bus in those exact weather conditions. Jake's ride to the school also brought back memories of knowing exactly what the environment looked like, down to counting the number of fences between home and school.

Jake seemed very real to me as did Mr. Bingham. I could see them both in their environments. You did a great job of painting the picture.


Final Thoughts/Comments:
The description of his dream reminded me of many dreams we all have that just don't seem to make sense, but somehow we understand their meanings.

You did a great job following the rules of the No Dialogue Contest and all in exactly 700 words.

Good luck to you. I hope you enjoyed writing for this contest and look forward to more submissions.

~QPdoll


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78
78
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Redtowrite !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group. I found your piece "A Treasure Chest of Love"  on the auto-rewards reviewing pages and would like to share my thoughts.

Please know that these are only my thoughts and opinions. Take what you can use from them and throw out the rest.


What I Like/Overall Impression:
This story is a tear-jerker. One can never truly know what it must feel like to lose a loved one in a car accident unless they've experienced it first-hand. I can tell you I certainly wouldn't want to experience it for myself anytime soon, but if I had to I'd hope for a treasure box like this one. I really liked the fantasy angle surrounding the treasure chest.

I was so interested in what the treasure box held and wondered if it was left there on purpose for her to find or if it was just fate that brought her to it. The messages helped her to continue on with her life and comforted her.


Setting:
You did a good job describing the bed covers and atmosphere of Julianne in bed trying to relax after she'd taken some medicine. It was nice and cozy.

One thing that I get told a lot is to write using the five senses: see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. So for the hospital scene, there are a lot of smells associated with a hospital environment that could help bring the reader into the story. I think if you go back through and read the story you'll find areas where you could insert snippets here and there relating to the five senses.

The biggest part of this story takes place in a cottage she shared with her husband, Lance, until he died in a car accident. During a comfortable drive along the coast despite painful memories, she visits the Golden Goose, where she finds a lovely treasure chest. The chest holds more than she can see. Once at home, she discovers the true love stored there.


Plot:
I found it difficult to determine from whose perspective we were reading.

I think you had a lot going on in this story. It seemed like you typed and typed and typed out the story but possibly didn't go back to edit or re-structure it. There were a lot of ideas happening very quickly. I felt the story was a bit choppy and didn't read smoothly.

I didn't get a real sense of who Julianne was. What was she feeling during these scenes? I could feel the overwhelming sadness, but I wasn't able to feel like I was right there with her, almost a part of her. For example, when she sees Lance's body in the hospital what were the feelings reeling through her body? Was she screaming on the inside? Did she go weak in the knees seeing him with her own eyes? She didn't seem to be as intense as I expected.

Suggestions:
Watch your tenses. There are places where they change from past tense to present tense.

She saw gurneys with varieties of injuries and symptoms. This sentence sounds like the gurneys had the injuries. Possibly you could change it to read something like this: She saw gurneys holding people with a variety of injuries.

A young man, looking like a confused kid, comes in. He begins to speak rapidly with words tumbling out. He is apologizing. These sentences are written in present tense when they should be written in past tense to stay consistent with the rest of the story.

Do what you can to remove as many "was, had, were, and that" words as possible. Those words are passive and it disengages the reader just a little.

For example, your sentence reads: Julianne went to the occasional college function but tonight she was feeling congested.. With the "was" removed it could read, Julianne went to the occasional college function but tonight she felt congested.

Try not to use "ing" words as they tend to tell and not show.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
A glass of Merlot and brand new novel by her favorite author waited for her. Oops, missed the "a" so it would read "a brand new..."

They were both reading "Anna Karenina". Put Anna Karenina in italics as it is the name of an author. Remove the quotation marks. Use italics to distinguish the titles of larger works, or works that stand alone, such as books, plays, magazines, newspapers, movies, long poems, and so forth.

"Cassie, get me some thing for this here pain. This would be one word: something.

"But we should stay for your sake..and the machines. What if.."Ellipsis points are always a group of three dots.

They were organ donors with all the proper paperwork to cover each other in case. This sentence was confusing. I understood it to mean in case anything happened to them but it wasn't clear.


Final Thoughts/Comments:
I truly enjoyed this piece. It was sad and my heart hurt for Julianne. You did a nice job.


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79
79
for entry "Independence" 
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Angel !

This is a review of your entry to the No Dialogue Contest. I am also a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Independence" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
This is a lovely story and a perfect representation of independence. How exciting for Samuel that he was able to go to University. All of his and his parents' hard work paid off.

I believe you had a little difficulty with sentence structure but the overall story was excellent.

I liked this story because it told of not only the parents' dreams and aspirations for their son, but also of the challenges Samuel had to overcome.

My Favorite Part:
My favorite part is learning of how proud Ann and David were of their son. Above everyone's expectations, Samuel rose and was able to make it on his own at University. What a bittersweet moment.

Setting:
This story is about a boy who achieved milestones much later than other children his age. Finally it was determined that this boy was autistic. Under the circumstances he wasn't expected to become as independent as he had. What a fantastic story.

Plot:
Samuel was a strong person, as well as his parents, overcoming numerous obstacles. They all fought hard to create as normal of an atmosphere as possible. The characters were very real to me.

Suggestions:
My only suggestion would be to really look at the sentence structures. Some of the sentences were compound sentences.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
For Ann and David, this was a special day, it was Samuel’s turn to leave, their youngest, they’d already seen Dylan and Tanya married, and Daniel was set up in a flat on the other side of town. This sentence was difficult to read. I think it can be split up into a couple of sentences. Maybe something like this: For Ann and David, this was a special day because it was Samuel's, their youngest's, turn to leave. They had already seen Dylan and Tanya married, and Daniel was set up in a flat on the other side of town.

Final Thoughts/Comments
I really liked this story and your take on the one-word prompt, Independence. Great job!

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80
80
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Fivesixer ,

I found this article while looking around during the Game of Thrones. I am also a member of the Paper Doll Gang's Rockin' Reviewers Group and would like to share my thoughts and opinions.

Please know that these are only my thoughts and opinions. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.

*StarfishB**StarfishB**StarfishB**StarfishB**StarfishB*



I understand this article to be about helping people to see the importance and necessity of relaxing. You gave many different ideas about what we can do to relax.

I read your article and instantly felt like I'd found a new friend. I am also a mental health patient and take medicines regularly. As you stated, when I don't, I go off the rail as well.

It is difficult to find the time to relax, though, especially if you have a family. Between working full-time and raising a family it can get a little tough.

Learning to relax is something everyone seems to struggle with. Is it because we have too much going on and we don't focus on what's healthy for us? Are we doing too many things? Many times, even taking an anti-anxiety medicine, it's hard to work through life's ups and downs.

I'd like to get better at blogging. I don't do it on a regular basis and I don't always find a topic of which to blog, although I know the possibilities are endless. And I agree that blogging is a craft.

I stopped writing for about three years and it was awful. I guess it took me that long to remember what I used to do that made me happy. Now I try to write everyday.

This was an encouraging article and helped me to remember that I need to make a point to relax and write. I thank you for sharing. It's definitely hard to put this kind of information out for the world (WDC) to see.

Happy Writing!

QPdoll

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81
81
Review of The Tree  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Stephen Scorer

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Tree"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I think you being in the tree symbolizes your desire for rest and relaxation.

*Crown*Plot/Story: I found this to be an interesting story. You're on your way to do your job and find yourself near a tree that has always caught your attention. Then you picture yourself in the strangest place. Eventually, you come back to reality and find that everything is the way it was before you had your vision.


*Crown*Spelling/Grammar:
It is a bright but chilly September morning around eight o'clock , and... Remove the space between "o'clock" and the comma.


Heart FM blurts out loudly on the car radio probably Madonna or someone just has meaningless , to be fair i am not taking to much notice , it is just something to have on in the back ground whilst i negotiate the eight miles or so of bends , junctions , roundabouts and traffic lights . This can be structured a bit differently for easier reading. Something like this:

Heart FM blurts out loudly on the car radio, probably Madonna or someone just as meaningless. To be fair, I am not taking too much notice; it is just something to have on in the background whilst I negotiate the eight miles or so of bends, junctions, roundabouts, and traffic lights.

*Crown*What I Liked: I thought it was pretty cool, the vision you had. You'll have to really think about what it means to you.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative. I really enjoyed it. Happy writing!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

82
82
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Stormy Lady

This is a House Stark Battle review of "A better tomorrow?"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I think the title is perfect for the story. I feel so bad for Mommy.

*Crown*Plot/Story: This woman lives in constant pain and some days are more of a struggle than others. On this day she is in a severe amount of pain and is pretty much just existing for her children. She doesn't want to feel this way. She doesn't want to be in so much pain. She contemplates ending her life, but that fleeting thought is replaced with hope for a better day tomorrow.

*Crown*Characterization: We learn about Mommy through her thoughts and actions but I believe that with a little more description the reader would find it easier to truly see her. What is she suffering from? Was she married? Did she used to play and interact with her children prior to when the pain started? Did her children change between then and now?

*Crown*Spelling:
But I can not run. Cannot is one word.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that Mommy pushed the thought of ending her life away and turned to the hope of tomorrow being a better day.

*Crown*Parting Comments: I enjoyed your story. Great job! Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

83
83
Review of Twins Without  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, SueVN

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Twins Without"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Wow. It would be kind of exciting and creepy all at the same time to find someone who looks just like you and claims to be your sister.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Sandy is in a hurry to get to her car so she can get to the school to pick up her son. Little did she know that he'd be waiting for her in the back seat, and he wasn't alone. Suddenly she's addressed by her son and a woman who looks just like her. She learns that this woman is her twin sister, a sister she never knew she had. Now, what would she do?

*Crown*Characterization: Sandy was a hard-working woman who was providing for herself and her son. She loved her son and would do anything for him. The other woman, Susan, is a homeless woman looking for a family. Then she finds Sandy.

*Crown*Grammar
In fact, we've become quite the friends, haven't we Brady?" The sentence might sound better if you used the word "good" instead of the.

In the middle of third night, Susan died, or so they told us." Oops, forgot the word "the".

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was a fun story. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

84
84
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Cheri Annemos .

This is a House Stark review of "Never Underestimate Two Women"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: "Hell hath no wrath..." Talk about revenge. Mr. Buchanan didn't think about the consequences of his actions, for sure.

*Crown*Plot/Story: These two woman made it their goal to do away with Mr. Buchanan for his treacherous ways and they were successful. It was a pact of unspoken understanding. Each fulfilled their roles and he never knew what hit him. Then they were on their way with no intention of ever meeting again.

*Crown*Characterization: They both seemed like the same kind of woman. They were both angry and humiliated but didn't blame each other. The physical descriptions helped me to picture them as they went about their task. They were both well-to-do women who were able to come up with a plan and follow-through.

*Crown*Spelling/Grammar:
Standing back, her eyes drifted upwards and caught the Emily’s blue eyes in the room above. You can remove "the" from this sentence.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked the way they both came together and planned Mr. Buchanan's demise.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was a story of revenge. I really it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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85
Review of Almost  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Cheri Annemos

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Almost"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I wanted to know if she ever found Tony! I was hoping to read more about her hunt.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Mindy hit the dance club with her friends on the search for a man. She had a couple of hellos but that was all. She had to have one of the men practically escorted out because he was harassing her. Just after that event she met Tony. At the end of the night he walked her to her car and gave her a curl your toes goodnight kiss. The problem is she forgot to get his name or number and to give him hers.

*Crown*Characterization: Mindy was a go-getter. She was up for some fun and was hoping to meet someone, which she did. I could picture her walking into the club and looking around for her friends. So I got a sense of her personality. I only got the idea of a tall, handsome man for Tony.

Spelling/Grammar ▼

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was a fun story. I enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

86
86
Review of Memories of Fall  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie Kay .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Memories of Fall"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Oh, Winnie. My eyes watered and I thought I'd just break down and bawl. I used to go hunting with my husband and thoroughly enjoyed spending time out in the quiet forest, so I can relate to Wilma's experiences.

*Crown*Plot/Story: I could feel the depth of Wilma's love for Thomas as she sat alone with her thoughts and his presence. I can't image how difficult it would be to lose the love of my life, my best friend. It has to be so difficult to get over or past the death of a spouse.

*Crown*Characterization: I loved Wilma. My heart went out to her. You made me want to hold her. I could definitely picture her sitting out on her porch rocking in her chair. I could totally picture Thomas being a big man who worked hard to support and care for his wife.

*Crown*What I Liked: This sentence really touched me: I close my eyes as I rock on the porch of the cabin and his familiar large frame appears.

*Crown*Parting Comments: I just wanted to reach out to Wilma and tell her that I didn't know from experience but I could certainly empathize. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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87
Review of Fatal Attraction  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, TJ Marie .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Fatal Attraction"  for "Game of Thrones" . Please know that these are simply my thoughts and opinions. Take what works for you and disregard the rest.


*Crown*First thoughts: Well, Natasha didn't exactly have control of her emotions. Hopefully, she doesn't lash out like that every time she gets angry or upset.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Natasha has a surprise planned for Corey for when he gets home from a fishing trip with buddies. To her dismay, he calls her before he gets home to tell her he wants to take a break. Natasha is incensed by his proclamation.

*Crown*Characterization: Natasha was a woman in love and really wanted to give her man a sexy surprise. Unfortunately, that surprise was deflated. Her anger was unexpected and showed her personality, making her surprise seem a little scary.

*Crown*Spelling/Grammar:
I just like I have been neglecting some things in my life, I don’t want to hurt you.” I think this was just an oversight. Possibly you meant "It's just that"?

One more Spelling/Grammar ▼

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was kind of creepy story once you get to know Natasha. I enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

88
88
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, rjsimonson .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Sirurie's new life"  for "Game of Thrones" . Please know that these are only my thoughts and opinions. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.


*Crown*First thoughts: What is it that Sirurie was in need of? What kind of being was she? I think she was a type of phoenix.

*Crown*Plot/Story: I couldn't quite figure out what the ultimate goal was. But going with the phoenix scenario I could see that she maybe needed to get away from John to save his life. Unfortunately, her attempt to save him failed.

*Crown*Characterization: I wish I could have gotten to know Sirurie better. I wasn't able to grasp a good sense of who she was. I could see John as a caring sailor and he tried really hard to help her. I believe there was some kind of connection between the two.

*Crown*Spelling/Punctuation:
...as well as, her to thin body. Oops, forgot the other "o".

Her arms were restrained was she some kind of prisoner. I believe this sentence would make more sense if it were separated like this: Her arms were restrained. Was she some kind of prisoner?

Several people came bustling through the door, all wearing some sort of white uniforms. This should be singular because you are speaking of one kind of uniform. So it could be reworded like this: Several people...all wearing the same kind of white uniform.

Soon the people left the room they removed the restraints once she calmed down. This sentence was confusing to me. Perhaps it could be reworded. Once she calmed down, the restraints were removed and the people left the room.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was incomplete but so creative. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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89
Review of Wrong Longing  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Than Pence .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Wrong Longing"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: This was an exciting story with a sad but happy ending. Yea for happy endings! I really felt for Tyler who was really missing his mom, but also for David who was really missing his wife.

*Crown*Plot/Story: David had to do something to help Tyler accept his mother's death. While on an archaeological dig Tyler discovers some stones that he's been told have magical powers and can bring his mom back to them. David has to convince Tyler that it's not true.

*Crown*Characterization: I could see these characters pretty well. Your description of Tyler certainly helped me to picture him. David was a little sketchy for me, though. However, I could feel the love David had for his son and how much he wanted to help him through his grief.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that the two of them were able to spend time together on a dig. It was a great bonding moment when he David woke up in the middle of the night to find his son searching the excavation site for the stones.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

90
90
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Jay's debut novel is out now!

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Not Exactly Helen of Troy"  for "Game of Thrones" . Please know these are only my thoughts and opinions. Take what you want, if anything, and disregard the rest.


*Crown*First thoughts: It's good that Izzy didn't let the opportunity to get to know Sophia pass. Izzy decided to take the bus with her.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Izzy went to the museum and couldn't concentrate on the artwork due to Sophia's presence. Try as Izzy might, there was no escaping her. Would there be a connection?

*Crown*Characterization: I like the description of Izzy and Sophia. I felt like I was standing in the museum with them.

*Crown*Spelling/Punctuation:
Just a couple of things I noticed.
she probably hates dark blue Oops, forgot to capitalize the S.

"Really?" Should I be surprised or not? I have no choice. "What's your name?" These sentences should be in italics as it is inner dialogue.

*Crown*What I Liked: I like that Izzy took the scary initiative to continue with their first meeting by walking to the bus with her. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a great relationship.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative and kind of funny. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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Review of Life's a Circus  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Mage

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Life's a Circus"  for "Game of Thrones" . Please know that these are just my thoughts and opinions. Take what you want and disregard the rest.


*Crown*First thoughts: Garrett certainly had a chaotic life and lots of family and friends.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Forgive me, but I had a difficult time trying to decipher the plot of this story. I didn't understand what the ultimate goal was. My understanding was that Garrett was hiding from someone and looking for a way to disappear, so he found a circus to join, one that was familiar to him. In addition, he had a wife who was angry with him.

*Crown*Characterization: There were a lot of characters in this story. I couldn't keep straight who was who. I wasn't able to see them.

*Crown*Spelling:
Now or I’m leave you both behind. I'll leave you...

Estella was leaning way to close as I drove Oops, forgot the "o".

The rides had been pretty beat up...decided to sorta fixed them. I think you meant "fix".


*Crown*Parting Comments: This was interesting and creative. Nice job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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Review of George Loses It  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Sum1

This is a House Stark Battle review of "George Loses It"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Darn that sixth sense of ours! *Laugh* It'll get you in trouble every time it's used.

*Crown*Plot/Story: The story line is priceless. George is off for a day of hunting like he's done many times before. But this time he was so tuned into nature that he was able to hear the trees, grass, and animals talking to him. He thought he was going insane, which he was, slowly. But it wasn't himself doing the driving.

*Crown*Characterization: I liked George. He'd had a bummer patch of hunting lately and was really looking forward to bagging a great buck. I could picture him with all of his gear and his gun walking around the woods.


*Crown*Spelling/Punctuation:
He woke early at 4am I believe this should be written like 4:00 a.m. or 4:00 AM.

As he sat there , he could almost hear whispering in the wind. Oops, there's a space before the comma.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked this hunting story. I used to hunt with my husband for many years before we had children. I sometimes miss those early morning treks into the woods where everything was quiet and your imagination could run wild. Funny thing is for those ten or so years I hunted with him I never bagged anything. I got off plenty of shots, but I just couldn't get past all the jitters. I could hold my breath forever and let it out again, but that never helped me. I guess I wasn't meant to shoot anything. *Ha*.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative and funny. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Wishful Illusions "  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Based on this line: ...a loud echo of a book closing reached his ears, had me wondering if this could possibly be a history book, or maybe a journal or scrapbook. So many options.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Jace became super aware of a special being around him on certain occasions. He was unable to see her but he could hear and feel her. He got so absorbed with this person that he didn't show the slightest interest in others.

*Crown*Characterization: Jace is a stubborn person. He has an interest in this ghost, or special being. It shows how open he is to the discovery that he might be able to have a conversation and possibly a relationship with her even though he can't see her.

*Crown*Spelling/Punctuation:
His heart beat sped up and his chest tightened... This should be one word.

"Who are you," he dared to ask before a knock on his door interrupted him. The comma should be a question mark.

How could he not, she thought. This should be a question mark.

*Crown*What I Liked: I like that the special being could actually hear Jace's thoughts. They were interesting interactions.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was pretty creative. I enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

94
94
Review of The Poking Stick  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Noner Says.... .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Poking Stick"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Siblings can be so mean. Sometimes it's hard to fight back. I got a sense that Nelson did this all the time and I wondered why he hadn't gotten in trouble for it himself. Maybe because he didn't poke as hard as he got.

*Crown*Plot/Story: I believe the plot to be one of revenge, even if Roddy didn't give the revenge. It was doled out by an unknown creature found in the basement. Nelson got a taste of what he'd been giving Roddy. Turn around is fair play, right?

*Crown*Characterization: Roddy was a boy that didn't really stick up for himself. He let his brother, Nelson, bully him. Although it's hard to fight back against a sibling who is constantly harassing the other, especially when that sibling is younger.

*Crown*Spelling:
A small greenish brown hand reach out and sweep up the poking stick.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that Nelson got to experience a bit of what he was doing to Roddy. Possibly that would cease him antagonizing his brother.

*Crown*Parting Comments: I really enjoyed the story. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

95
95
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Never Caroline .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Everyone Loves an American Girl"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: I loved reading about Cara's fantastic experiences in Italy. What an opportunity. I wish I had had an opportunity to travel to another country as a young adult. Heck, it'd be nice if I could visit now! My niece spent a semester studying in France and I was so happy for her. It was an exciting time.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Cara grew so much in Italy, learning to be herself and enjoying being who she was. She was able to carry over that same attitude when she got back home to her school life, which was awesome.

*Crown*Characterization: I enjoyed watching Cara's confidence build with each event she experienced while in Italy. I didn't read about a description of Cara, but I sure liked her spirit. She had a wonderful outlook.

*Crown*What I Liked: This was one of my favorite parts: At home there were designer purses and suburban Escalades but no art, prep school and cheerleading but no beauty, sunshine and tanning but no warmth.

*Crown*Parting Comments: You say that you're a better poet than a story teller, but this is a lovely story. You write very well and should consider writing more short stories. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

96
96
Review of Enchanted  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jillian Whitney .

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Enchanted"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: How cool was it that Tempest was able to see all of the fairies coming to retrieve the tree. Now she knew what the secret was that her sisters talked about.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Tempest wanted to know where her sisters were off to, but they wouldn't tell her. So she decides to follow them to see where they went. She was completely surprised and enthralled with what she saw. After her sisters and their friends left, she went and explored what they had done. Then she got a surprise all of her own.

*Crown*Characterization: I like the sneakiness of Tempest as well as her sense of adventure. She didn't like being kept in the dark and chose to take matters into her own hands. Even though we don't get a physical description of Tempest or her sisters, we could get a sense of their personalities.

*Crown*Just a Few Things:
She didn’t know what types of creature lived in this foreign land. Oops, forgot the "s".

Next Friday we will meet the same time, same place. I think the work "at" is missing.

Slowly she circled the tree, like she saw the little girls do. I got the impression that the other girls were bigger than Tempest.

*Crown*What I Liked: I loved that Tempest was able to see the Fairies. She was able to have her very own experience. I was happy for her.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was very creative. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

97
97
Review of The Key  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Author Ed Anderson

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Key"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: This is better than three wishes or a genie in a bottle. It was ironic that he saw a locker the key would fit. I wondered if it was visible to anyone else other than the holder of the key.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Josh found an odd key as he walked along the beach which opened up a world of trouble at first, but ended on a happy note. An interesting view on a get rich story. The plot was easy to follow and there was a nice little twist at the end.

*Crown*Characterization: Josh is someone who liked to take chances and live a little on the adventurous side. Smart and adventurous but still practical, he was.

*Crown*Two Little Things:
The Young One asked. "Young One" does not need to be capitalized. Also "The" doesn't need to be capitalized as it's a speech tag following a question.

“Where were you at 2:30pm this afternoon?” This should read 2:30 p.m. or 2:30 PM.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked the challenge he was given and that he was able to decipher the clues and make the correct conclusion.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was a very creative story. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

98
98
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, ♥Hooves♥

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Othello's Adjustment"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: My first thought was this was a story about the second world war. I knew it would be a sad one. I wasn't looking forward to it because any story about World War II makes me very sad. Sometimes it's almost painful to read stories about that time.

*Crown*Plot/Story: I liked the idea of telling the story from a cat's point of view. I never thought about what happened to the animals of the homes that were invaded. This was a great insight. I am glad that the Othello survived. I can't begin to imagine how I'd feel if my family was taken away from me after living such a wonderful cat life.

*Crown*Characterization: We as the reader come to love Othello. He was a smart cat who learned to fend for himself since he had no one to take care of him anymore. He was a survivor.

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that Othello had a familiar face to give him some love and affection after his family was taken away.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was a creative but sad story. and you did a great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

99
99
Review of The Present  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

This is a House Stark Battle review of {item:} for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown*First thoughts: Aw, how sweet. I wondered what gift Eddie gave to Amanda. She seemed awfully happy to get it, but maybe it was just that he gave her a gift at all.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Amanda and her family were having a happy Saturday morning, until jealous Eddie became mean to her and made her cry. Jealousy gets the better of us sometimes and I could totally relate. I would probably compare my sister's birthday party to mine. Hopefully they would rank the same.

*Crown*Characterization: All of the characters were believable and they sounded like a regular family. I would have like to know how and what Eddie did to make Amanda so upset. It sounds like dad had a nice talk with Eddie and his behavior was changed.

*Crown*Spelling:
Mom was actually more upset that dad Oops, I think you meant "than".

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked that Eddie had a change of heart and decided to participate in his sister's birthday celebration. The story was well written and it flowed nicely.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was sweet story of love and respect among a lovely family. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

100
100
Review of Cape Mission  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, BD Mitchell

This is a House Stark Battle review of "Cape Mission"  for "Game of Thrones" . Please know that these are simply my thoughts and opinions. Take what you can use and forget the rest.


*Crown*First thoughts: A class of superheros, pretty cool. This reminded me of "Sky High". Loved it.

*Crown*Plot/Story: Alisa is learning how to take down would be thieves. She does a pretty good job until she momentarily lets her guard down. Once she's overtaken, the test is ended and a discussion with the class ensues.

*Crown*Characterization: I liked the main character, Alisa. She was tough and persevered. I also liked the teacher. Considering they're superheros, there were believable as far as superheros go.

*Crown*Suggestion:
...promptly disappearing in a flash of light a puff of purple smoke... This sounds a bit confusing. Perhaps something like ...promptly disappearing in a flash leaving a light puff of purple smoke, just as a swarm...

*Crown*What I Liked: I liked the teaching element of the story. It's fun to see how characters interpret different instances and events.

*Crown*Parting Comments: This was creative. I really enjoyed it. Great job!


Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **

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