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126
126
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sparky

This is a House Stark Battle review for "Game of Thrones for Sparky . I have read "Happiness versus Depression; you choose. and would like to share my comments. Please remember that these are just my comments and opinions.


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
First thoughts: As a person suffering from depression I found this very interesting and enjoyable. I do believe that whether you have a chemical imbalance, as I do, or suffer from occasional depression, one can still choose to be happy. It takes a lot of effort, but it can be done.


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Plot/Story: This story is one of a person choosing to be happy despite any outward influence that would change it. I actually found it kind of humorous when everyone received checks instead of bills in the mail. I liked the exaggeration of the happy mood.


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Characterization: I liked the character and the struggles faced. I could completely relate. Your character was believable. (...scuffing about the house in dressing gown and slippers, with bed hair and gritty eyes. I just went through this very stage on Sunday.) I was able to picture the neighborhood with everyone having a great day. Nice job.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked: I liked that your character chose to be happy no matter the circumstances. I also enjoyed reading about such a happy neighborhood, even though it was a bit outrageous. I loved it.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments: I think you did a great job arguing the happy choice of the day. I think I need to read this every day now. *Smile*



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2088926 Unavailable **
127
127
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hello, HorrorMovieGeek . I am a member of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group and would like to share my thoughts on your essay UNTITLED, (No Name). Please know that these are just my thoughts and opinions.

I'm not sure how I found your essay, but the description is what drew me in.

What I Liked
I liked your essay because it reminded me of myself. I, too, am a very quiet person. I mean, I can be outgoing, but most of the time I don't have a lot to say. Sometimes I think about what the person speaking must be thinking. How do they figure something is important enough to share with others? Why do they think someone else wants to know what they have to say?

Just as you have, I've discovered that I'm not a good fake—it kind of person. Well, I take that back. I can fake it, I just choose not to, you know?

I agree with you about everyone being in a hurry. I get caught up in their hurry sometimes and wind up rushing myself. Then I figure it out and stop myself. What's the rush?

Content
The content of your essay is intriguing. I bet there are more people out there who are just like you. I appreciate that you were able to write about your feelings. It is interesting how people misunderstand a quiet person.

It's a little depressing to think that someone wouldn't want or feels that the don't need friends. I think as human beings, we need to have friends, even if it's just one. It would be nice to have one friend who understands that you don't talk a lot but can still hang out with you.

I hope that you're able to journal your feelings. It's certainly not an easy or fun place to be. It will take a lot of hard work, but you don't want to go through the rest of your life like this. Life can truly be fun and really enjoyed. I only know this from experience.


Final Thoughts
I like that you ended your essay on a positive note. You haven't completely given up making that friend.

You did a good job of expressing your feelings and the expectations of other people.

Nice job.



128
128
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful tribute to an awesome father. He's seen so much and been through so many unthinkable situations. I can't imagine what it must have been like to live through the depression and World War II. Oh, the things he has seen.

You wrote a fantastic piece about your father. I wish I would have learned as much from my own father. Not that he is a bad person, I just didn't necessarily learn as much from my father as you did with yours.

Excellent job.
Happy writing!

~QPdoll

A very colorful shared sig for review raids
129
129
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, 🏳‍🌈 Me ~ Duf ♏ !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "What is Memorial Day? which you submitted to the No Dialogue Contest. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
You certainly have a way with crafting words. I felt that the writing was crisp and meaningful. It was a sad way for the character to learn about Memorial Day.

I've been at a funeral where they've had a gun salute and it's definitely intense. I can't imagine experiencing it as a child.

What I Liked:
What is Memorial Day? It is America's salute to those that made the ultimate sacrifice. It is remembering what my father and the hundreds of thousands of Americans gave to their country. It is the catch that steals my breath ... And it's a celebration of the freedoms that we often take for granted.


I really liked how you summed up the meaning of Memorial Day. It is the catch that steals my breath explains the way I feel about all veterans. Great job!


Setting/Plot:
I was able to picture what the funeral must have looked like to an eight-year-old child. Everything would be big and noisy. You did an good job depicting this.

The story played out with a funeral from a child's perspective to the remembrance of an adult. Along the way we learned about how the character experienced various Memorial Day events in between and how the death of a father affected the character's life.

You also portrayed what Memorial Day means to others who may not have experienced such an event and simply believe it to be the beginning of summer.


Suggestions:
While it's not wrong, it is untidy to begin a sentence with a number, unless it's spelled out. For example: your sentence, 100,000 gloved hands delivering ... would begin like this: One hundred thousand gloved hands delivering ...

Another option would be to re-word the sentence so that it doesn't begin with the number.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
It gave me something look at instead of his name and that fateful date that occurred two-thirds of my life ago.
Forgot the word "to" between "something" and "look".

Inspecting the Wall, I imagined each of the 58,000 names as a carefully draped coffins. The "a" is not needed because you're speaking of more than one coffin.


Final Thoughts/Comments
You followed the contest rules and did a fine job. I enjoyed your story with no dialogue. I hope you had fun with this and found it somewhat challenging.

~QPdoll



Check it out!
FORUM
No Dialogue Contest  (E)
Write a story containing no dialogue, in 700 words or less, based on the monthly prompt.
#2079495 by ~QPdoll

Sig created by  [Link To Item #2021449]



130
130
Review of Vigilance  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Chronicler of the Anima !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Vigilance which you submitted to the No Dialogue Contest. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
I believe you captured the essence of a number of memorial services that take place each year well. It is sad how many people don't quite understand the meaning of Memorial Day.

I could picture the event and the people standing in the rain. I was able to "see" a woman standing at the service holding the hand of her child, as well as Stephen.

It's disturbing, sometimes, to think about the number of people who never knew their family members, and will never know them.

This sentence kind of struck a cord with me: The only ones who stood in respectful silence were the veterans; those who had risked their lives for their country. I agree that there is much disrespect for the price that our service men and women pay for providing us with protection.

This sentence: Stephen rolled his eyes, feeling that none of them knew suffering like him. made me think to myself, How could he truly know the suffering if he didn't serve himself? It made me think he was a little hypocritical.


My Favorite Part:
I like that you included a word that I'm not sure many readers would recognize. That word is: cenotaph. I had to look it up. It's always a good thing when you can teach or show a reader something new. At first I thought you were talking about something like a courtyard. Then I realized it was something much different.


Setting:
Even though I could picture the people, I couldn't quite picture the set up of the event. What I mean is, were the bleachers and benches under tents due to the rain? I think they would get even more wet sitting on the bleachers and benches if they weren't covered.

Who were the people, or what organization was presenting the Memorial Service? How were the soldiers in attendance dressed and decorated? Did they disperse anything to any of the veterans in attendance?

I know you were limited to 700 words and you did a fine job.


Plot:
Right away I was able to discern the plot of the story. You captured the sights and sounds of the event, and I was able to follow the story from beginning to end with little questions.


Suggestions:
One suggestion I have is to space between paragraphs. Formatting it with spaces makes it easier on the reader.

The usual service took place. What takes place at a usual service? If I were reading this and had no idea of what a Memorial Day service was it would be difficult for me to "see" the event.

This sentence confused me just a little: At least he had known his father. I had to go back and re-read the sentence to realize it was himself he was talking about and not the little boy. When I first read it I thought, How does he know if the boy knew his father?


Final Thoughts/Comments
You followed the contest prompts and wrote a fine story with no dialogue. Great job!



LOGO FOR NEW HORIZONS ACADEMY


Check it out!
FORUM
No Dialogue Contest  (E)
Write a story containing no dialogue, in 700 words or less, based on the monthly prompt.
#2079495 by ~QPdoll

Image #2063613 over display limit. -?-



131
131
Review of After The Rose  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Royal Eduardo !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "After The Rose. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
This is a fine story depicting characters on a TV reality show. You really nailed the shallowness of the show and its characters.

I felt like I was really watching it being played out. It made me remember why I don't like watching reality shows! *Laugh*


Setting:
You described Sam and Briana walking along the beach at sunset, but I didn't feel like I was there on the beach with them. Possibly you could add something about the sights, sounds, and/or smells; something to make the reader feel a little closer to the characters.

The same is true for when they are all on the porch and in the house. A little more description would draw the reader into the story.


Plot:
It's a simple plot and easy to follow. It all played out pretty typically for this kind of scenario.


Suggestions:
He had been the most recent single guy on the hit reality show, He Loves Me. I believe "He Loves Me" should be in italic because it's the name of something.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

They walked along the beach hand in hand, as the sunset in the background. I believe you meant to say as the sun set in the background, meaning the time at which the sun sets as opposed to the apparent passing of the sun below the horizon.

The drive back to their shared house was filled with popular love songs, and the wind blowing their hair. Use a comma to separate Independent Clauses when they are joined by a Coordinating Conjunction. In this case the Coordinating Conjunction is "and". However, "the wind blowing their hair" is not an Independent Clause, so a comma is not necessary.

Many of the other women had asked that she be removed from the house but the network loved the drama that she stirred up.
This is a situation where there are two Independent Clauses joined by a Coordinating Conjunction, so a comma is necessary before the word "but".

“No. Sam love me and I love him, that is how it will stay. Oops, forgot the "s".

“I know but to be fair, I said that to 24 other women.” The number 24 should be spelled out. Numbers up to 100 should be spelled out. Also, there needs to be a comma before the word "but".


Final Thoughts/Comments
I think you did a good job with this story. It was light and easy to read.


Happy Writing
~QPdoll

LOGO FOR NEW HORIZONS ACADEMY


Check it out!
FORUM
No Dialogue Contest  (E)
Write a story containing no dialogue, in 700 words or less, based on the monthly prompt.
#2079495 by ~QPdoll

Image #2063613 over display limit. -?-


132
132
Review of Spring Encounters  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello PureSciFiPlus . I'm ~QPdoll , one of two judges for the No Dialogue Contest. I'm also a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

First I will confirm that all rules have been followed, then I'll review your story.

*AsteriskV* Posted in bitem format: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* 700 words or less: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* One entry: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Story newly written: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Unedited since submission: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* No Dialogue: *CheckV*

================================================================

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Overall Impression:
It was a successful mission! I liked how the rescue happened with little interference.

The operation was well planned and executed courageously.


Setting:
I pictured the building as being small, but my definition of small may be completely different than someone else's definition. It's possible that the building was much bigger underground than above. So I liked that you left the reader being able to form their own opinion of the building.


Plot:
I couldn't quite figure out if the rescue team was part of the organization guarding the building or if they just "looked" like they were. Even though they were wearing uniforms, they could have been completely different than those of the guards.

The idea of a rescue mission involving children was intense. I really wanted to know why the kids were in the building, but apparently so did the rescue team.

Were there more rescue team members in the woods, or was that just the only area for the kids to run to for safety?


Suggestions:
He swatted just instead a wooded area. I'm thinking you meant the word "inside" here, but I'm not sure.

But it also prevented Nora from checking out the uniforms with her scope too. In my opinion, you should use only "also" or "too", but not both in the same sentence.

As soon as Nora got there she took the rifle hanging off her back. And started using the scope on it to zero in on each one of the uniforms – one at a time.
I think these sentences could be re-worded into one sentence. Something like this: As soon as Nora got there she took the rifle hanging off her back and used the scope to zero in on each of the uniforms - one at a time.


The Spring breeze made that difficult. I didn't understand how a spring "breeze" would make running difficult. I imagine a breeze being a very light wind, therefore, incapable of hindering a person while running. The word "wind", to me, implies a stronger "breeze" which would make running difficult.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Then she headed for a door in the center of that corridor after bending down to first check to make sure he was dead then snap his rifle in half like it was a trig. I think this should read "twig".

So why were there two armed uniformed individuals, one male and the other female, on top of it. This sentence should end with a question mark.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This was an exciting read, even though we didn't know until the end who they were rescuing.

You did a good job following the rules of the contest and wrote an interesting story.

Thank you so much for entering my No Dialogue Contest. I hope you enjoyed the challenge.

~QPdoll







133
133
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello lezismore-with 2020 vision . I'm ~QPdoll , one of two judges for the No Dialogue Contest and am a member of The Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group. I have just read "Eldorado's Last Spring - and would like to share my thoughts.

First I will confirm that all rules have been followed, then I'll review your story.

*AsteriskV* Posted in bitem format: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* 700 words or less: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* One entry: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Story newly written: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Unedited since submission: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* No Dialogue: *CheckV*

================================================================

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.



Overall Impression:
It made me sad to think about how Sebastian's sanctuary was going to be destroyed. It's one of those things that was nice while it lasted. It held such great memories for Sebastian.

I personally have never had any kind of sanctuary like Sebastian but I could totally see myself hanging out there by the river. Your descriptions of the tweeting of the birds, and the sound of the flowing river made me feel at ease and comfortable.

The story was easy to read and I liked the rhythm your words created.

You followed the contest rules and created a wonderful story from the prompt.


My Favorite Part:
My favorite part is the memories of previous visits to his personal space. We all remember our past experiences and Sebastian has some lovely memories that will never be destroyed like his sanctuary.


Setting:
Even though I could feel the quietness of his sanctuary it was hard for me to picture the physical place. The only time I've been to a river is when I was a child and it was mostly dirt and weeds up to the river, so it was difficult for me to "see" the lushness of his sanctuary. I couldn't picture it as a private place to bring a girl.


Plot:
The story started off with sounds of the special place and moved to the sights of what would come to the rolling landscape. Your description here made me think of landscapes I've seen in pictures of Ireland. You made it easy to walk along with Sebastian by showing us his memories and despair.


Suggestions:
Although the word count is limited I would like to have seen a bit more description of the specific area where Sebastian was sitting because, as I said earlier, it was hard for me to picture his sanctuary.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were just a couple of things I noticed:

It seemed somethings never changed. I believe this should be two separate words: some things

Sebastian looked down at his submerged toes for a few seconds they back at the flowing river. I think you meant to write "then" here.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This is a good story. You followed the no dialogue challenge beautifully and made it seem so easy. Great job!

Thank you so much for entering my No Dialogue Contest. I hope you had fun.

~QPdoll








134
134
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Naveed . I'm ~QPdoll , one of two judges for the No Dialogue Contest. I am also a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

First I will confirm that all rules have been followed, then I'll review your story.

*AsteriskV* Posted in bitem format: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* 700 words or less: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* One entry: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Story newly written: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* Unedited since submission: *CheckV*
*AsteriskV* No Dialogue: *CheckV*

================================================================

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
This story also made me jealous of your grandmother! Oh what it must be like to have a garden to sit in. I mean, I have a vegetable garden but not a lush flower garden to sit and relax.

I never thought about what the generation before mine were able to experience. Even my generation didn't have cell phones and laptops readily available. Even my generation were able to go outside and actually play. Instead, today being outside is traveling between vehicles and buildings. Even swimming can be done indoors.


My Favorite Part:
Grandma used to have morning tea with grandpa in their garden during the summers too. I've always imagined what it would be like to have coffee or tea outside in the mornings. Having it in a garden would be delightful.


Plot:
The main character discussed what the current weather was like and about what seasons her grandmother experienced. Don't you love stories of the past? To try to imagine what it would be like to be there?

I feel like there wasn't a real plot to this story. There wasn't anything to overcome or any problem to solve. But I enjoyed learning about the past that grandma got to experience.


Suggestions:
This read more like a letter or a journal entry to me. My one suggestion as to how to make this a story would be to write about an experience that Grandma might have had with Grandpa during spring. Make that the whole focus as opposed to discussing the many different things she experienced.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I saw no spelling or punctuation errors. Great job!


Final Thoughts/Comments
I enjoyed reading about the springs that Grandma got to enjoy. I is much different today. Thank you for sharing your work. You did a really nice job.


Thank you so much for entering the No Dialogue Contest. I hope you had fun.

~QPdoll









135
135
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Emily R !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "April Showers Drown May Flowers. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


Overall Impression:

This was a creepy but liberating (for Patrick and Kendra) story and well written.

It was an interesting way of leaving the country without bringing too much attention to themselves.

I was interested to know more about how they survived after the event but was surprised that Kendra was able to perform the action.


Setting:
This story took place in the home of Patrick and Kendra but I didn't really "see" the house. There wasn't a lot of description so it was difficult to feel like I was there.

I found it confusing to try and figure out the approximate age of Kendra.


Plot:
I was able to follow the story and see where the story was moving. The story moved along very well.


Suggestions:
I have just a few suggestions below.

... I wondered if our neighbors had noticed that my aunt, Kendra, and I hadn’t left the house in days. I would write Aunt Kendra and remove the commas.

. I had to admit, it sounded an awful like how my she would write; Remove the word "my".

... I was could almost hear the sound of a car horn ... Remove the word "was".

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found only one grammar mistake. Great job!

Everyone had witnessed at least one of her drunken rages that run on late into the night This word should be in past tense, ran.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I enjoyed the story. It is well written and was really creepy.
You did a wonderful job.

Happy Writing.
~QPdoll

Invalid Photo #1040350

136
136
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, BlueMoon !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "When life throws you adventure. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please only keep the things you want and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
I like the whimsical feel of this story. I like how you started off in the middle of the action.

I couldn't wait to read about what would happen next.

My Favorite Part:
He came up only to her knees, and yet his storm cloud eyes gazed back at her intently. I love this sentence!

Setting:
While Pauline is running it would be interesting to learn about the environment at the time. Is she tripping over anything? Are tree limbs combing her head?

Describe the forest. What might have been near the stream?

Give the reader more detail about her surroundings.


Plot:
The story started off very exciting but slowly descended. The story never ended and left the reader hanging. What did Pauline do that made her have to run away? You say that hunters were after her. Were they hunting her to delve out punishment or were they hunting her for food?

I didn't quite understand what the goal was other than trying to get away from the hunters. Where was Pauline headed? She must not have had a safe haven in mind if she chose to follow the elf - or did she and chose to forgo the plan?



Suggestions:
Especially if you were a woman alone. Remove the word "alone" as you used it at the end of the previous sentence.

Now the only thing keeping her attached to the past. This sentence isn't smooth and is difficult to understand. Might I suggest: Now it is the only thing keeping her attached to the past.

Pauline kept a hand on her dagger as she knelt to drink from the stream. Her last possession given to her by her mother, Johanna, before taking her final breath. The way the first sentence is worded confuses the reader when they get to the next sentence. It sounds like the stream is what Johanna left behind. You could reword the first sentence something like: Pauline knelt to drink from the stream, but kept a hand on her dagger. That way it leads into the next sentence and there's no confusion about what was left.


She held onto it tightly should she run into trouble. Since you stated it was a hand-held dagger in the previous sentence, maybe you could use a different word for "held" in this sentence. Possibly, "gripped".

... hand already going to her dagger. Above you state that she has her hand on her dagger. Maybe you could say something like her hand tightened around her dagger.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There remained to much at stake. Make this "too" meaning extremely.

She turned around to find- a small, elf child staring back at her. You don't need the dash.

Turning her head to him and seeing her meant her to follow him. Oops, added an "r" here.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I enjoyed reading this story. If you edit it, please let me know because I'd love to read it.

You did a good job.

~QPdoll

Sig created by  [Link To Item #2021449]

137
137
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, BlueMoon !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Unexpectedly Expected . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you can use and toss out the rest.


What I Like:
I like the overall mystery of this piece. I love mysteries and would continue reading to find out what was going on. Good job.

The idea of finding a mysterious door to walk through is always fun because you just don't know what's on the other side.

One of my favorite lines: Cryptic messages were much preferred over family reunions any day. Loved it!


Setting:
I was confused about where Riley started out. There's talk about a family get-together but I couldn't tell if Riley was actually at the family gathering or not.

What was at Sebastian Court? Was that the gathering place? Was Riley planning to bow out after attending for a while before announcing that she had a prior engagement?

I wasn't able to envision the courtyard set up. I know that there was a marble fountain in the middle but I couldn't picture where the house was located in relation to where Riley stood.

Once in the house Riley, "gazed around the interior and found it to her liking." What did she see? This would be the perfect place to describe the inside of the house, the room she stood in. What made it feel homey? Was it bright or dark? What did she especially like? Adding these details will help the reader "see" what Riley is seeing.


Plot:
How did Riley mysteriously receive the letter once she entered the courtyard? Did it drop out of the sky? Did she find it on the ground? Did it miraculously appear her hands?

The plot of this story wasn't revealed to me, other than Riley getting out of the family gathering.

What did all of this lead to? The ending is a good hook to keep people reading if this were to lead to a new chapter. Otherwise the story isn't finished and leaves the reader hanging.


Suggestions:

''Ah, hello there, my dear. Sorry to have startled you. I was looking for something I may have misplaced''. Really? Riley questioned dubiously. ''My name is Arthur Post, I seem to be a guest in this questionable dwelling. I don't believe I caught a name Miss- When a different person speaks, it should be stated on a separate line. For example the above paragraph would be separated like this:

''Ah, hello there, my dear. Sorry to have startled you. I was looking for something I may have misplaced''.

"Really?" Riley questioned dubiously.

''My name is Arthur Post, I seem to be a guest in this questionable dwelling. I don't believe I caught a name Miss-"


''Quite right, all this intrigue with J.K., something doesn't fit right. This would actually be two sentences. "Quite right. All this intrigue with J.K., something doesn't fit right.

Through a child's tears speaks the truth. And just below that, where one is found, so will others dwell. Through a child's tears speaks the truth and where one is found, so will others dwell should be italicized to indicate that it's something being read or said.

Fifteen minutes determined the affirmative and the door opened to allow entrance. Fifteen minutes is an awfully long time to wait for someone to answer the door. Would you wait that long? I know I wouldn't.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
This unexpected godsend was her excuse to bow out gracefully. Saying she had a previous engagement she couldn't pass up. These two statements should make one sentence with a comma separating the two thoughts. Replace the period after gracefully with a comma and make the "S" lowercase. Currently the second sentence doesn't have a subject.

Curiosity peaked when she got out her jeep to examine... Oops, you forgot the word "of".

She looked the courtyard over but not detect what exactly... Possibly add the word "could" between the words "but and "not".

It simply read E. Long island drive. Sebastian Court. 129. Signed, J.K. Use commas in the address instead of periods, like this: E. Long Island Drive, Sebastian Court, 129. It was signed, J.K.

She was more than content to play along. Whatever was going on here. The second statement is not a complete sentence, so add it to the previous statement to make a complete sentence. Possibly like this: She was more than content to play along with whatever was going on here.

Not seeing who let in... Add "her" before the word "in".

She sat herself down on a lounge chair in what she took for the living room. You don't need the word "down" here. When people sit we already know that means "down".

Picking up the strange message, she looked at it once more before following suite. Suit is spelled without the "e". With the "e" it means: a connected series of rooms to be used together.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I definitely enjoyed reading this piece and believe with some modifications it could be a fun and exciting story. It's very intriguing to me and I would love to be offered the opportunity to read and review it again after you edit it. Good job!

~QPdoll




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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, BEAR !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read ""Within You, Without You". I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you want and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
This is a beautiful love story. You did a good job portraying his true love for Jo. I could feel his pain when she went away.

As the story went on you didn't know if there would be a reconciliation. Would Jo come back? I like the anticipation.



Setting:
The bridge did sound magical. You did a good job describing the river and the snow. I did feel like I was there even though you used a lot of passive voice.


Plot:
I did get a bit confused where you talked about Jo leaving for New York. Upon her return there was a lot of misunderstanding between the two. I wasn't sure if their conversations took place face-to-face or over the phone, or both. So the plot is sketchy in the middle of the story.


Suggestions:
It was on a small bridge over the raceway; a small creek running parallel to the river; that illuminated by the gas streetlights that lined the walkway. This sentence is a little confusing and doesn't flow well. Semicolons are not necessary. Perhaps you could reword it something like this:
The gas streetlights that lined the walkway on a small bridge over the raceway illuminated a small creek that ran parallel to the river.



She was everything I had ever wanted, and of this I was sure. I believe a stronger statement would be made if you removed "had" and "and of": She was everything I ever wanted, of this I was sure.

The dog for his part dragged her to my position, as if he knew that I had been waiting for her, and in some ways I had been. In fact, all my life.
Reword this sentence something like: Sammy dragged her to where I stood as if he knew I'd been waiting for her. In fact I had been, all my life.

“You know what I mean.” We both laughed again as eyes settled again onto each other.
It was an instant connection. You might as well say that I knew she was the one, from that very moment on. The rest was pure magic.
Move the third sentence behind the second. The fourth sentence could be reworded to make it stronger, something like this: You could say that I knew she was the one from that very moment.

My short but sweet encounter with Jo had begun. In my opinion this sentence could be stronger reworded something like: This short but sweet encounter began my relationship with Jo.


If you'd like, check out this link to learn more about active voice versus passive voice. It makes your writing stronger. http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar...


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I noticed just a few things.

" Within You, Without You “ The quotation marks are not necessary.

No doubt without a leash to secure him, he would surely have ended up in the river. In my opinion this sentence would give a stronger statement if you remove the adverb "surely".

“Yes, Sammy is a hand full.” Handful is one word with only one "l".


Final Thoughts/Comments
This is a really good story. Changing from passive voice to active voice will make it stronger and easier to read.

Keep writing, you're doing great!

~QPdoll


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139
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Nemesis !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Charisma- The Devil's Gap- Chapter 1. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Take what you want and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
This is a cool story. I liked the idea of an engineer discovering something "new" that would make the history and science books.

I liked how you summed it up for the non-engineer audience with this sentence: Orgone does exist and we trapped it in the Prism! Great job!


Setting:
This story took place in the boss's office, which makes sense. The only other setting that could be even better would be at Peter's work station, or lab. That way the item in question would be visible to Liam.


Plot:
I believe the plot of this story is Peter trying to share his remarkable findings with his boss, Liam. Peter went through the whole process and ended with the most exciting part about discovering that Orgone did exist. Unfortunately Liam wasn't near as excited.


Suggestions:
Remember, these are just my thoughts and opinions.

Peter would have thought a vice president of sales would have a much more extravagant office, especially since it was an oil company. In my opinion this sentence would be stronger if you removed the first instance of "would have" so the sentence reads: Peter thought a vice president of sales would ...

And so, at first, there weren’t any discernible reactions, and of course, we hadn’t anticipated any either.In my opinion this sentence would be stronger if you removed "and of course" so the sentence would read: And so ... reactions but we hadn't anticipated any either.

Liam leaned forward and put his elbows on the desk, his chest muscles flexing and stretching against his black, mock-neck polyester shirt. Since you start the sentence in past tense (leaned) complete the sentence in past tense. So the words "flexing and stretching" would read "flexed and stretched".

A piece of art at best, but a big one though, made out of glass or something. Surely this engineer would know if the prism was made out of glass or not. In my opinion I don't think he would say "or something".

“Marty! How are you?” Who is Marty? I thought Liam was talking with Uncle Pete?

By Sunday, Liam will have forgotten all about this conversation, and although, it was probably for the best. This sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps you could remove the word "and" so the sentence would read: By Sunday Liam will have forgotten all about this conversation, although it was probably for the best.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Maybe a little over kill? Overkill is one word.


Final Thoughts/Comments
You did a good job portraying the characters and creating an interesting story. It was a fine read.


~QPdoll

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Review of THE DAY WE MET  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, ROBIN !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have read "THE DAY WE MET . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.


What I Like:
I chose this story to review because the summary, "Finding love in unique circumstances, when least expected" hooked me. Great job!

I liked how Nikhil finally found his true love. I also like how there's a lesson in this story. Some of our best friends are those who are least recognized in school.

I enjoyed learning about who sent Siddharth twenty-four roses. How exciting that was for Nikhil and Siddharth!


Setting:
When you wrote of "HER" you talked about selling roses at school for Valentine's Day. I think if you added some description here of the surrounding environment where Nikhil was selling the roses, it would bring the reader physically into the story. For example, I sat at a long table set up in the East wing with roses on either side of me. I was at the end of the hallway out of the way of the lockers. My volunteers stood ready to make deliveries. It's not genius but I hope you get my meaning.

That's just one area where you could show the reader where the character is and what they're seeing.


Plot:
I liked how Nikhil took matters into his own hands to figure out who his "dream girl" was by delivering the roses to Siddharth himself. Nikhil took action.

Check out this website to learn more about plot and story. I found it extremely helpful. http://www.tameri.com/write/plotnstory.html



Suggestions:
*FlowerR* Each instance of dialogue should begin on a separate line. For example, It reminded me of sunshine and rainbows all at once (I had never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of guy). ‘I’d like to order a bouquet of 24 roses, please. ‘, her polite request had me further stupefied. should be written like this:

It reminded me of sunshine and rainbows all at once. (I had never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of guy.)

"I'd like to order a bouquet of twenty-four roses, please." Her polite request had me further stupefied.



*FlowerR* You did a good job here with beginning each instance of dialogue on separate lines:

‘Do you want to say, who they are from?’ I nobly prompted, partly from a need to be organised, a desire to hear her musical voice again and above all very much hoping to learn her name.
‘They are from me!’ she quipped in return, with an amused smile (pretending not to comprehend my real purpose).
‘Do you want to send a card with YOUR NAME?’ I shamelessly persisted.
She appeared to think about it, shrugged her shoulders, ‘Not really!’ and that was that? All my plans gone flat. "Not really!" should be on a separate line.
I made a last ditch attempt,’ You’re sure you got the name and year of the recipient right?’
‘Why?’ the tone no longer warm (in fact glacial) and the smile absent.
All my expert comments on Siddharth’s failings died a silent death ,’Just checking so that the delivery happens alright ‘, was my escapist response . This should be a separate line.
‘Oh! ’She seemed to buy it and in fact looked apologetic for her earlier coldness (well deserved on my part though)


*FlowerR* Make sure you put a line between each instance:

"Do you want to say, who they are from?" I nobly prompted, partly from a need to be organised, a desire to hear her musical voice again and above all very much hoping to learn her name.

"They are from me!" she quipped in return, with an amused smile (pretending not to comprehend my real purpose).


*FlowerR* Watch spacing and commas. Throughout the story there are unnecessary spaces before the commas. Read back through and you'll see them.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

*FlowerR* It not always that an almighty institution of education would deem to club Valentine’s Day and Rose Day into one (amazingly no political protests) . I think you meant "It's" not always ... Also remove the space before the period.

*FlowerR* You use a lot of parenthesis when you could use commas or simply remove them. For example, Girls and women (and sometimes men too) swooned whenever he stepped out or gave his dimpled smile (whether in reel or in real life). The first set of parenthesis can be replaced with commas and the second set can be removed: Girls, women, and sometimes men too, swooned whenever he stepped out or gave his dimpled smile, whether in reel or in real life.

In my opinion, the use of parentheses slows the reader down and detracts from the story.

*FlowerR* Hence the anonymous flowers.’ , ‘ Thank you for being a good friend to him ‘,she added. There is no need for this comma between sentences or the extra quote marks. The sentence should read like this: "Hence the anonymous flowers. Thank you for being a good friend to him," she added.


Final Thoughts/Comments

I like the story and you did a very nice job! I would be happy to review this story again after edits, it you'd like.

Welcome to Writing.com, by the way. If you are looking for a group to get involved with to learn your way around, think about The Paper Doll Gang. It's for guys, too. They are called Dragons. Anyway, I can tell you that I learned how to give reviews, create different items, use the different ML codes, etc. Did I say that they also taught me how to give great reviews?

We're so happy to have you here. Enjoy!

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll


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141
141
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Kris D'Amato !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "A Conversation with Sparky the Dog. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please, take what you can use and throw out the rest.


Overall Impression:
I like that Keeva and her husband were able to come together and agree to begin working things out between them.

I was confused about how Keeva would have known how to contact the little girl's mother. Did she already know who the little girl was? I got the impression that the little girl was unknown by Keeva and her husband.

My impression is that this run took place in the late night hours, hours you wouldn't expect a seven or eight year old to be out. Did she decide that her puppy needed to go outside? Did she just wander out of the house and her puppy followed?

I didn't grasp the concept of the talking puppy, though. Was their conversation had to stir his mind into thinking about his relationship with his wife?

I was also bothered by not knowing the man's name. It isn't necessary, it just bothered me. *Pthb*


My Favorite Part:
In the clearing, in the rain, we touched lips and kissed, once. A kiss to start over, to repair what was wrong, to at least understand. And even though it was not alright, it was better. I liked this because it shows that there's still hope.


Setting:
We were on a tree-lined country road that was dotted by run-down stone huts and convenience stores on the verge of close down. This confused me because I guess I haven't been down too many country roads with more that one convenience store within ten miles of one another.

"We're twenty years older and we know less than she does," she said. "I've forgotten what it means to love so much." I'm not sure I understand the love Keeva's speaking of here.


Suggestions:
She was crying crying and cradling a shivering puppy. Remove the second "crying".

What show? I was afraid of the cars, for Chrissakes. I couldn't move. It was like---like a deer caught in headlamps. You said so yourself!" I don't recall the man saying anything about the dog being caught in the headlamps.

It's because they don't speak, so it's their only way of telling how much you really love them. This sentence didn't make sense to me. I think the sentence would make more sense as " ... of telling how much they love us."

"I can't thank you enough," the girl's mother said. When did the girl's mother arrive?


Final Thoughts/Comments
Even though I didn't understand the "Conversation with Sparky the Dog", I did understand the difficulties had between Keeva and her husband. I'm glad the story ended on a hopeful note. *Smile*


~QPdoll


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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
DearLynda Miller

I enjoyed reading this piece about lighthouses. I've always enjoyed looking at the many different lighthouses out there.

I found this to be very informative. I always wondered how they created the light for the houses so long ago. I've never really done any kind of research on lighthouses, but I may now.

I can't imagine being a caretaker of the lighthouse. It sounds like it was a lot of hard, and as you've stated, lonely work. I wonder how lighthouses are run today? I know that most of them do not have caretakers that live on sight because the lights are automatic, but I wonder how often the light is checked. I wonder if there's some kind of alarm that would sound somewhere if it ever burned out. Something to think about looking into, right? I guess if I'm that curious I should.

Anyway, I digress. This was filled with a lot of interesting information. I can't begin to imagine carrying whale oil up 200 steps. I'm doing good to walk up forty and still breath!

Now I know what the gallery, or balcony, was used for. I thought it was for someone to stand out and watch ships passing.

Imagine how much sleep the caretaker didn't get! Having to get up three times a night to check on the lantern and wind the weights, then get up before the sun to start the day doesn't make for a lot of good sleep.

With the light being so bright I wonder how bad that hurt their eyes.

I have such a fear of the ocean I could never even attempt to walk a 400 foot pier to get to the lighthouse during a storm. Just picturing that had me holding my breath. Especially with waves as high as ten feet. No way. If it were left up to me, I'd be waiting for the storm to pass. I would not make a good lighthouse caretaker or his wife!

I'm glad I read this. I've learned about something new. Maybe I could use it in a story some day.

The only thing I noticed that was missing was a line between two paragraphs. Otherwise I think you've done a great job.

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll


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143
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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, ☮ Goofy Old Grum !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "Meeting in a Cemetery. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
I like this story because it's about a new relationship as a result of a sad one. I like the strength of Tom and his courage to stand up to his aunt. I loved how he pulled out information on a law he'd noted and quoted to her.

I also like Nikki's strength and perseverance.


Setting:
This story took place in a cemetery, a coffee shop, and then in Tom's home. We don't get a lot of description of any of the locations. The reader isn't transported into each different environment, although we can probably picture something based on our own experiences.


Plot:
The plot was easy to follow. Tom was visiting his father in the cemetery and noticed another cemetery visitor, a woman, crying. It didn't take him long to determine that he knew her.

He took her out for coffee and let her talk.

Later he invited her over to his house for food and company.

During this visit his aunt showed up, angry that Tom had been seeing Nikki.

Tom put his aunt in her place and told her how it was with him and Nikki.

Nikki and his aunt made amends and agreed to move forward without blaming one another for the death of Jerry.

At the end of the story there's hope that Tom and Nikki will develop a closer relationship.


Suggestions:
Below are a few suggestions to improve the story.

Nikki arrived late on the Sunday afternoon, and Tom was immediately impressed. Dressed casually in jeans and a brightly patterned blouse, her long brown hair fell past her shoulders and she looked more relaxed than when he last saw her. These sentences are a bit wordy. Perhaps you could re-word them to read something like this:

Late Sunday afternoon, Nikki arrived dressed in jeans and a bright patterned blouse. Her long brown hair...

There are other areas throughout the story where sentences can be sharpened a little.

Watch your use of the word "and". Sentences don't typically begin with "And". Study the sentence to determine if it works without it.

Look for changes in tenses, too. For example: And his father was completely intimidated by his wife; all he ever wants is a quiet life.” All he ever wanted was... Keep it past tense.

If you read through the story you'll find other instances where the tenses have changed.

Make sure that you close quotes. The paragraph that begins with, Nikki continued, “Jerry seemed to change..." needs an end quote.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I've noted a few opportunities for improvement.

The coroner returned a verdict of accidental death butand added that suicide might have been possible, but there wasn't enough evidence to support it.

His mother objected loudly and with a hysterical outpouring, and publicly blaminged me because I had broken up with Jerry just before he drove off and died.

Now I feel...sort of guilty. - Iif I hadn't dumped him, he'd be alive now." And Aa fresh stream of tears flowed down her face.


I know you had nothing to do with Jerry’s death;. End the sentence with a period instead of a semicolon.

I knew him well, and I knew his problems, particularly with his mother.”
You could reword this sentence to flow easier. Perhaps something like this: I knew him and his problems well, particularly with his mother.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This is a bittersweet story with believable characters. We get a good sense of Nikki's background and her relationship with the deceased, Jerry.

We don't get a lot of background of Tom, but we do get a glimpse of his family. His family is fun and loving.

I enjoyed reading this story and it's happy ending.

Good job.

Happy writing!




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Review of A Love Story  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Josh T. Alto !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers Group and have just read "A Love Story. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
It's too bad that he wasn't courageous enough to move on the knowledge that the two of them should be together forever when he was eighteen. It's sad that it took him thirty years to realize it.

This is a heartbreaking story about two people who fell in love at an early age but didn't know how to act on those feelings until it was too late.


Setting:
The story took place on a beach. This is my favorite line: The moon had never been so bright over the bay as on that evening when they last sat in the sand with their feet in the water holding each other’s hands. I could picture these two young people on the beach.


Plot:
The plot was a bit difficult for me to understand. I wasn't sure what the ultimate message was you were going for. However I did feel a little deflated with the ending. I was so hoping for them to finally find each other. Well, they did find each other; just not in the way I was expecting.


Suggestions:

He suspected that she lived on that island, she knew too much about it to be a tourist. He sometimes saw her with her mother on the way to the market, or selling flowers at the corner. These sentences could be re-worded only to make it flow a bit easier: He knew that she lived on the island because he sometimes saw her selling flowers on the corner or walking with her mother to the market. It didn't make sense that he suspected, but then saw her selling flowers. I can't see a tourist who would be selling anything on the corner.

This would also be a good place to start a new paragraph as the focus changes.

He missed her for a week or two after leaving the island but she was far away and after a few months he stopped thinking about her. Show the reader how he missed her. Was he lovesick and couldn't eat? Did he mope around for a while? Let us see his pain.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few places where you went to the present tense:

He was hypnotized, immersing helplessly in her blue eyes. Change "immersing" to "immersed".

They hardly ever speak, Change "speak" to "spoke". You're already writing in the past tense, so it's best to keep it past and not present.

...they could lie there for hours without saying anything, it appeared to him only years later that he knew almost nothing about her.

These are two sentences. They hardly ever spoke, but could...saying anything. It appeared...about her.


Final Thoughts/Comments
It's so sad they had to die but at least they were finally together.


This is definitely one of those sad love stories, but I enjoyed reading it. Very imaginative.

Happy writing!

~QPdoll


Thank you Jimminycritic

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Review of My Wife's Escape  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Simple Dykie !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers Group and have just read "My Wife's Escape. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
I liked the overall humor of the story.

This story is about how much the wife loved her car. She loved her car so much that she resisted cuddle time with her husband! Ultimately the husband was driven to buy one of his own. Two can play this game.


Setting:
I couldn't picture where the conversation might have taken place, although I could guess that it might have been in the kitchen as she ran into the house.


Plot:
The story revolves around the wife's love affair with her car. It read smoothly and quickly. I very much enjoyed reading this.


Suggestions:
You could describe the route she might have taken on her hours of travel. Maybe describe some of the sights she might have seen.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I saw no areas with punctuation, spelling, or grammar errors. This definitely helped with how smoothly it read.


Final Thoughts/Comments
This was a light, funny read. Excellent writing.

Created by: Leger! Click to join the 'Power' group!


Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhuit!
(Happy New Year in Irish Gaelic)


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Review of Into the Memories  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, InkSpout !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Into the Memories. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like
I understand that this is a draft, and it's good.

I like the glimpse of the futuristic world you created. I would read the story because I want to know more. Which is, of course, exactly what you're looking to do, right?


Overall Impression
This is a story about a group of prisoners, in a futuristic world, who meet their demise. I was curious to know more about the situation and the world with which they became prisoners. Were they in a war situation or were they convicts in a new, futuristic prison?

Was the hooded man new to this position? Was he an extraterrestrial who made himself to look like what the prisoners would believe was Satan for the fear factor?


My Favorite Part
This is my favorite line: "Dust to dust, no pain to pass, you are forgotten."


Setting
This story took place in a chamber inside of a cave. I could totally see the chamber. It was very simple and plain. Excellent.


Plot
The ultimate goal was to terminate these prisoners. The reader could see them being marched through the darkened cave, but we don't quite get an idea as to why. But that would make the reader want to pick up the book, so great job.*ThumbsUpL*


Suggestions
I've noted just a few suggestions. Take what works for you and throw out the rest. *Smile*

A man ran along the length of the chain gang to meet the figure first. "A few prisoners tried to protest, digging their heels into the floor, Sir." Each dialogue should begin on a separate line. It would look like this:

A man ran along the length of the chain gang to meet the figure first.

"A few prisoners tried to protest, digging their heels into the floor, Sir."


Also, if you address the character as Sir with a capital "S" continue that throughout the story.

As he approached the alter, a voice called behind him, This might read better if you wrote it something like this: As he approached the alter, a voice from behind him called out,


The hooded figure moved to the center room, where a stone slab stood as a table, holding a bottle of white sand, a bowl, and various smoking glass vials. Because this is such a long sentence it's difficult to read. You could possibly state it like this: The hooded figure moved to the center of the room where a stone slab stood as a table. The table held a bottle of white sand,...

With this, he picked up the last vial, apparently only filled with smoke and turned it over to submerge the vial in the bowl's liquid and encapsulating the smoke. This sentence would be easier to read if you replaced the word "and" before encapsulating, with a comma.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar
Listed below are a few things I wanted to point out.

*FlagB*Chains rattled a slow methodic rhythm has the prisoners were marched... I would change the word "methodic" to "methodical" and remove the "h" from has.

*FlagB*Entryway is one word.

*FlagB*As instructed...around until the lined the wall they

*FlagB*The hooded figure moved to the center room ... Did you mean that the figure moved to the center of the room?

*FlagB*His sharp goatee, his red slicked back hair and the thin lips under a pointed nose clearly held all that was to fear of men an women and the nightmares that haunted them. I think you meant to say...was the fear of men and women...

*FlagB*"As momories are... memories

*FlagB*And with his final momment, moment


Final Thoughts/Comments
This is a good prologue that would make me want to read the story. It's got mystery and a little shock factor going on too. I strongly encourage you to continue writing the story!

Good job.

~QPdoll

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147
147
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, J. Lee !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Confessions of an Antique Chair. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.

Oh my goodness. What a sad story but with a peaceful ending.

This was somewhat difficult for me to read because I don't typically like to read anything about war. But this story was different. Although I still teared up at some parts, it was a happy outcome of a number of sad experiences. (If that makes any sense to you.)

You did a fine job weaving this story through the three generations of chair owners. I especially liked the grandson's feelings toward a grandfather he never met but knew about through the various stories heard from his father.


This story is about a chair that was made by hand by a man who went off to what I believe would have been the first world war. He built the chair before the war and was able to spend some time in the chair with his son before he left.

Instead of the things the walls must have witnessed, it's the things the chair has witnessed and what it meant to him.

The chair is handed down through the generations and eventually ends up with the grandson. He very much appreciates and respects all the chair stands for. It becomes even more important to him when the message inside is discovered.


My favorite part is when the grandson meets his future wife's grandfather. To get to hear first-hand accounts of this man's experiences with his grandfather were phenomenal.

And I am in the chair now, reading it again, looking at marbles on the floor left there by my kids, whom I am so grateful for. This is my most favorite line in the whole story.


The story flowed well. I felt like I was sitting in front of a storyteller in the library. Very well written.


The only suggestions I have are:

*MedalGold* And this Dad formed, and held close to his heart for the rest of her life. This is one sentence that I didn't quite understand. It was confusing. What is it that he held close to his heart?

*MedalGold* I had a difficult time picturing the chair. Because you referred to it as a 'chaise' I pictured a chaise lounge. Unfortunately I don't know a thing about antiques and/or chairs, so I'm sure that played a part in my confusion.


I found no punctuation, spelling, or grammar mistakes.


This is a very well written story. You did a nice job. Congratulations on a job well done!

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll


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Review of Snow Day  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, justme !

I am a member of the WDC Power Reviewers Group and have just read "Snow Day for the December 2015 Power Review Raid. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


What I Like:
I liked the plain fun that Fallon and Kayla had together. A snow day, so no school, and sledding, for a day of fun! They wrap it up with a cup of hot cocoa.

This is a sweet story about best friends, Fallon and Kayla sharing a snow day together with Fiona, Fallon's terrier. I could feel Fallon's excitement over her love of snow.

Fiona actually had a little fun in the snow too, chasing the rabbit. I'm glad the rabbit got away!

It was so sweet how they covered Fiona up with a blanket to stay warm.


Setting:
The story takes place at Fallon's and Kayla's homes. The girls were sledding at Kayla's, but I couldn't quite picture if there was a hill in Kayla's yard or if they were just pulling each other around the backyard.

Regardless the story flowed well and was a very heartwarming read.


Suggestions:
The one suggestion I have is to start dialogue on separate lines and not within a paragraph. I only saw one instance of this where you discussed Fallon getting dressed to go outside.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found no spelling or grammar issues throughout the story.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. As I said, it was very heartwarming. Excellent job!

~QPdoll

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Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, GaelicQueen Writing for 2021+ !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "Racing on Thin Ice. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.

Aw, poor Blitzen, who fell through the ice. And poor Maxwell, too. With nothing to do when everyone else was so busy making toys and getting Santa prepared for Christmas Eve. It really put Maxwell in a bad spot. He was bound to get into trouble. A mischievous little pixie he is. Although Donner and Blitzen kind of brought it on themselves. I especially liked Donner's and Blitzen's banter.


This is a story about Pixie Maxwell who didn't have any specific job to do in Santa's workshop. With no job to do what else was there but to get into mischief? Maxwell finds himself in a bit of trouble due to his mischievous ways. You did well with bringing the story full circle from the workshop to the lake, and showed the reader a little of all the characters.

So Maxwell wanders into the reindeer barn. From there he convinces Donner and Blitzen to agree on a race. Unfortunately Maxwell was unaware of the dangers that lay ahead.

The story takes place outside of Santa's workshop, beginning in the reindeer barn and ending at the lake. You did a nice job with the different settings.

You fulfilled the December Advent's challenge of including the word reindeer. It's difficult to get a whole story into 500 words and you did a fine job. Well done!

I noticed a few places of punctuation, spelling, and grammar improvement opportunities.

This sentence seems to take away from the rest of the paragraph: He was dressed head to toe in a red felt jumpsuit. It just seemed out of place to me.

That's where you'll make the sharp turn to return here to the finish line." Maxwell explained as he walked backward onto the frozen ice. There should be a comma after line," Maxwell explained...

Raising his arms up he yells this should read ...up he yelled

Pulling head Donner left Blitzen behind him. Oops. You forgot the "a"

This was a fun and entertaining story. I enjoyed reading it and Santa's discipline was very appropriate!

~QPdoll

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150
150
Review of She-Witched!  
Review by ~QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Bobby G. !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy and have just read "She-Witched!. I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.



Overall Impression:
I love the playfulness of this story. The spell made it a fun read.

I loved the ending to this story. Imagine being stuck as a different gender! Ha! He took that change a bit too far, I'm afraid.

After learning that your girlfriend is a witch it would definitely not do you well to anger her!

The ending makes me believe that you had fun writing this story.



Setting:
Good description of the walkway's decor. I could picture the ghosts hanging from the tree.

I think the story would benefit a bit with a description of the living room. What made it seem different, dark and eerie? Was it the decorations? Was a fog machine being used? Help the reader see the house that's ready for a party.



Plot:
I found the characters to be believable but I didn't quite get a sense of Melinda's voice. I would have liked to see a bit more of Bobby's and Melinda's relationship. He seemed to be pretty trusting of her, much to his detriment.



Suggestions:
There are a number of instances where the dialogue contains no ending punctuation. Read through the piece and pay special attention to the dialogue. If the statement is followed by "he said" always add a comma before the end quote. One exception would be if the dialogue ends in a question. Then you'd put the question mark before the end quote. Here's a link you might find helpful.
http://www.grammarly.com/handbook/punctuation/quot...


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I've noted just a few errors below.

*WitchHat* Halloween is always capitalized.

*WitchHat*"Wha.. what happened to me?" I said, feeling disorienting disoriented

*WitchHat*I had been wearing a sexy devil's… I think it would read smoother if you said, I wore a sexy…

*WitchHat*As a girl now, noone would recognize me, No and one are two separate words.



Final Thoughts/Comments
This was a fun story to read. It made me smile and really chuckle at the end. Nice job.

~QPdoll

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