|Hello, ROBIN !
I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have read "THE DAY WE MET " . I would like to share my thoughts.
PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS. Please take what you can use and throw out the rest.
What I Like:
I chose this story to review because the summary, "Finding love in unique circumstances, when least expected" hooked me. Great job!
I liked how Nikhil finally found his true love. I also like how there's a lesson in this story. Some of our best friends are those who are least recognized in school.
I enjoyed learning about who sent Siddharth twenty-four roses. How exciting that was for Nikhil and Siddharth!
When you wrote of "HER" you talked about selling roses at school for Valentine's Day. I think if you added some description here of the surrounding environment where Nikhil was selling the roses, it would bring the reader physically into the story. For example, I sat at a long table set up in the East wing with roses on either side of me. I was at the end of the hallway out of the way of the lockers. My volunteers stood ready to make deliveries. It's not genius but I hope you get my meaning.
That's just one area where you could show the reader where the character is and what they're seeing.
I liked how Nikhil took matters into his own hands to figure out who his "dream girl" was by delivering the roses to Siddharth himself. Nikhil took action.
Check out this website to learn more about plot and story. I found it extremely helpful. http://www.tameri.com/write/plotnstory.html
Each instance of dialogue should begin on a separate line. For example, It reminded me of sunshine and rainbows all at once (I had never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of guy). ‘I’d like to order a bouquet of 24 roses, please. ‘, her polite request had me further stupefied. should be written like this:
It reminded me of sunshine and rainbows all at once. (I had never been a sunshine and rainbows kind of guy.)
"I'd like to order a bouquet of twenty-four roses, please." Her polite request had me further stupefied.
You did a good job here with beginning each instance of dialogue on separate lines:
‘Do you want to say, who they are from?’ I nobly prompted, partly from a need to be organised, a desire to hear her musical voice again and above all very much hoping to learn her name.
‘They are from me!’ she quipped in return, with an amused smile (pretending not to comprehend my real purpose).
‘Do you want to send a card with YOUR NAME?’ I shamelessly persisted.
She appeared to think about it, shrugged her shoulders, ‘Not really!’ and that was that? All my plans gone flat. "Not really!" should be on a separate line.
I made a last ditch attempt,’ You’re sure you got the name and year of the recipient right?’
‘Why?’ the tone no longer warm (in fact glacial) and the smile absent.
All my expert comments on Siddharth’s failings died a silent death ,’Just checking so that the delivery happens alright ‘, was my escapist response . This should be a separate line.
‘Oh! ’She seemed to buy it and in fact looked apologetic for her earlier coldness (well deserved on my part though)
Make sure you put a line between each instance:
"Do you want to say, who they are from?" I nobly prompted, partly from a need to be organised, a desire to hear her musical voice again and above all very much hoping to learn her name.
"They are from me!" she quipped in return, with an amused smile (pretending not to comprehend my real purpose).
Watch spacing and commas. Throughout the story there are unnecessary spaces before the commas. Read back through and you'll see them.
It not always that an almighty institution of education would deem to club Valentine’s Day and Rose Day into one (amazingly no political protests) . I think you meant "It's" not always ... Also remove the space before the period.
You use a lot of parenthesis when you could use commas or simply remove them. For example, Girls and women (and sometimes men too) swooned whenever he stepped out or gave his dimpled smile (whether in reel or in real life). The first set of parenthesis can be replaced with commas and the second set can be removed: Girls, women, and sometimes men too, swooned whenever he stepped out or gave his dimpled smile, whether in reel or in real life.
In my opinion, the use of parentheses slows the reader down and detracts from the story.
Hence the anonymous flowers.’ , ‘ Thank you for being a good friend to him ‘,she added. There is no need for this comma between sentences or the extra quote marks. The sentence should read like this: "Hence the anonymous flowers. Thank you for being a good friend to him," she added.
I like the story and you did a very nice job! I would be happy to review this story again after edits, it you'd like.
Welcome to Writing.com, by the way. If you are looking for a group to get involved with to learn your way around, think about The Paper Doll Gang. It's for guys, too. They are called Dragons. Anyway, I can tell you that I learned how to give reviews, create different items, use the different ML codes, etc. Did I say that they also taught me how to give great reviews?
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