|Hi Noxys ! Congratulations, you have been chosen as a Rising Star by the WDC Angel Army! You are in the spotlight and I just read “Gift of Sight.” I enjoyed reading it. Remember this is just one man’s opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog’s sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet…take what you need and leave the rest. Without further ado…okay, troops, let’s beach head this story!
The Title of the Story:The title is fitting for the prose. Not earth-shaking yet appropriate for the story. (3 out of 5)
Opening Sentence/Paragraph: If a story can grab me by the throat and force me to read then the author has gone their job. I like the disclaimer. Why? You are willing to make a stand and to boldly proclaim your personal beliefs. Great job.
Now, the story opening. Sadly, I was not gripped strong enough to be pulled into the story. My opinion (which remember is as valuable as Bularian hog sweat) is that you may want to rework the beginning to draw the reader in. (Intro: 4.5 out of 5 – Story Intro: 2.0 out of 5)
Plot or Theme: I like to place the plot of a story as a “What If question?” Why? This will show the strength or weakness of a plot. Also, to examine if we have a concept which is the meat. So here is what I came up with:
What if a person who is a Christian can see the Holy Spirit and use this gift to help others?
This was an out of the ordinary premise and though our views are differing regarding the Holy Spirit, I think the story’s premise had merit. (3.5 out of 5)
Scene/Setting: Here is where some authors falter at. Settings is pivotal to stories because as a reader, I want to know where I am at. What are the smells, the sights, and the tastes of the atmosphere around me in the story. I would have like to get the scene of the hospital: the sights, the sounds, the smells, even the tastes. As a reader, inject me into the place so I can experience this. (2 out of 5)
Characters: John has the prospect of being a strong character. I saw some weaknesses in his characterization that I would have like seen developed more. What did John look like? How old was he? What does he like to eat? I want to care about the main character I read and I think his character has room for strengthening. (3.0 out of 5)
Dialogue: Just like nails to a chalkboard…there is nothing more grating than silted dialogue in a story. Spectular job in making the dialogue sound natural and free-flowing like water. (4.5 out of 5)
Pacing and Flow: The pacing kept on a steady beat and you were on the right course until the interaction with Martha. To me, I felt this hurt the narrative and slowed down the character’s story. I think focusing on the mother and the character’s struggle would have been plenty. This leads me to the next section…(3.5 out of 5)
Conflict: If a story doesn’t have conflict…well, frankly the story will be flatter than left out soda/soft drink. In my humble opinion (I’m just one reader, mind you), this is not enough conflict to interest a reader. No conflict, no story. More conflict, more story. I would have enjoyed as a reader seeing John struggle more with his mother’s illness. I thought his surrender to God’s Will was to immediate instead of a real wrestling with God. (2.0 out of 5)
Grammar and Mechanics: Here are some areas I saw for your consideration:
It will surely kill her, that is if this treatment doesn’t do it first.” (Comment: Space between her and that.)
I don’t know that. I may be the Holy Spirit, and thus God, but I am not God. I am the Holy Spirit. My function as God is to be close to you at all times and to understand your heart. I do not know God’s plan, only that he has one.”. (Comment: Typically the ‘he’for God would be capitialized).
John watched Terath for a moment, then said, “I’m going back. I need to talk with my dad.” Terath jumped and spread his wings. He flew and gently landed on John’s right shoulder. He settled there comfortably and stayed quiet. John looked at him, then left the cafeteria and headed back to his mother’s room. His father was sitting in the seat John had occupied when he left. There was second seat next to the first. John crossed the room and sat next to his father. For a moment he just watched his mother sleep.(Comment: Dad would be captialized. Also, you stated that Terath was not a male or female…you would need to change this personal tense from ‘his wings’ to ‘its wings’, ‘It flew’, and ‘It settled.”)
It’s still wrong that mom has to suffer this, but I can accept that God has a plan for this and that it will turn out for good. (Comment: Mom would be capitalized)
Give me a moment and I’ll look for yours and mother’s.” John looked around the room, hunting the Holy Spirit with his eyes. Slowly the spirits faded into existence. “Your spirit is sitting on your right shoulder as well, and mom’s is laying next to her on her pillow. Not that it matters particularly. You can’t see them anyway. (Comment: Mother would be captialized and slowly would have a comma after the word.)
“What is it John,” asked John’s father.(Comment: Comma after the word ‘it’ and question mark after ‘John’.)
“What’s wrong. If you want to talk about anything I’ll listen.” (Comment: A question mark after the word ‘wrong.’)
“It’s nice to meet you Martha. What happened to you?” (Comment: A comma needs to between the words ‘you’ and ‘Martha.’)
It was my fault I got hit! I was high and wandered out in front of the car. (Comment: I wonder if you could elaborate on what was Martha high on. This was not explained.)
Wow Sentences: Here is one sentence that truly wowed me:
As John looked, the room slowly went dark. ‘John. You have asked of me with faith for a gift,’ came the voice again. This time, an overwhelming presence enveloped John as the voice spoke. It wasn’t oppressive. It was an incomprehensible love that pressed down on John. – Simply stunning line!
As stated earlier, I appreciate your willingness to share this story and to be willing and open to share your views on the Holy Spirit which is different from others. I think the focal point of John’s struggle with his mother’s illness would help boost the conflict in the story tremendously.
Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .