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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eight
Review Requests: OFF
44 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Jambo username!

Psst...Jambo is Swahilli for 'Hi." *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for my review for jakuper ! *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem...sorry. I just read "How to renovate your home. I enjoyed reading it.

*PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet...take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

Without further ado...okay, Rough Riders, let's git to the story! Yah! Yah! Git! Git!

*NoteB* The Title of The Story:I thought the title would teach me how to, well, renovate a home. Charming twist indeed!

*NoteG* Opening Sentence/Paragraph:I like openings that grab me by the collar. I did not get this effect when your story opened. If I may offer a gift to help elevate your story, how about creating an action scene to draw the readers in?

*NoteO* Plot:You kept the plot simple and gave the reader a humorous romp into the wacky world of renovation.


*NoteR* Style and Voice:The style and voice is casual and easy to follow. I did notice some areas for improvement. More on this soon.


*NoteV* Scene/Setting:I savored the time line scheme you used in this story. This style kept events moving.


*NoteW* Characters:I enjoy the quirkiness of the characters. As a suggestion...give them names so they can help the reader to feel like they are real people.


*NoteB* Dialog:The dialog felt real to me. You may want to correct the following sentences: "I dunno. I have to think. I will say (needs to be "see")you tomorrow."; "But you have just come ten minutes ago!" (remove "just"),


*NoteG* Grammar and Mechanics:You may want to rework these sentences to bring more clarity: "Not a sign of smile softens the contractor's serious face.";

*NoteR* Review Round-up! YEE-HAW!:I think you have a solid story in the making. Remember to show and not tell your story with your readers. If you take the time to add details to the story, you can help your story to gain more legs to step up your humor game.

Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! Write On!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of A Glass of Water  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jambo Ptc }!

Psst...Jambo is Swahilli for 'Hi." *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for my review for the "Invalid Item ! *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem...sorry. I just read "Invalid Item. I enjoyed reading it.

*PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet...take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

Without further ado...okay, ket's get to the story!

*NoteB* The Title of The Story: The title is simple...I like it because simple is good in this case.

*NoteG* Opening Sentence/Paragraph: If I may offer a gift of suggestion...How about having an opening that shakes us as readers and grabs us right away? You could have Stephen fighting his shaking episode.

*NoteO* Plot: I did not know where you were going with the story (those types of stories are the best ones) however you slowly peeled off the layers to reveal what Stephen struggles with.


*NoteR* Style and Voice:The style is very laid back and no overuse of big vocabulary words to impress the reader. The flow (see what I did there?) is simple like water.


*NoteV* Scene/Setting:I deduce that the scene is set in Stephen's home.


*NoteW* Characters:I like how you described the hands of Stephen. If I may offer a gift of suggestion, how about describing more about his physical features and his daughter's features.


*NoteB* Dialog:The dialog did not seem forced at all. I did question about the word 'asada' and maybe you can help your readers to define what that word means.


*NoteG* Grammar and Mechanics:Nothing jumped out at me.

*NoteO* Sizzling Sentences: *Radioactive* He could tell it was ice cold by the soft wisps of mist that rose from its untroubled surface; Dark, sun-aged hands that had wrung capote and tilapia from the nets and brackish waters for more than sixty years.; his cracking lips

*Fire*

*NoteR* Review Round-up! YEE-HAW!:A touching story about a physical struggle. I came from the story pleasantly surprised how I can take drinking a glass of water for granted. Thank you for helping me to appreciate those who do battle illness and to feel their pain.


Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*


3
3
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jambo Breaker~A Vigilante Ranger~ !

Psst...Jambo is Swahili for 'Hi". *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for a Port Raid for the Paper Doll Gang!   *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem. . . sorry. I just read "How Happy Are You?. I enjoyed reading it.

*PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet. . .take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

*BalloonB* Originality: While the subject of happiness is not an original concept, this is something we do not think about on a day to day basis. Good job in stirring up the grey matter to think about the subject.


*BalloonG* Introduction: The introduction is very brief and sparks thinking. I wonder if the introduction would have been more emotional if you would have included images, illustrations, or stories to draw the reader in.


*BalloonO* Choices: The choices were appropriate for the poll and well-crafted.


*BalloonP* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics: Nothing.


*BalloonR* Suggestions: As I have stated, if you can massage the introduction a little more, I think this may help draw more poll takers in.

Thank you for sharing your poll. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*

E.J. Apostrophe

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4
4
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jambo Freelanceink !

Psst...Jambo is Swahilli for 'Hi." *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for my review for the "Rockin' Reviewers - Award Page [13+]! *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem...sorry. I just read "Passions of the Unrequited. I enjoyed reading it.

*PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet...take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

Without further ado...okay, Rough Riders, let's git to the story! Yah! Yah! Git! Git!

*NoteB* The Title of The Story:I like the word "Passion" because this can stir up many different images in the mind. May I suggest possibly removing "Unrequited?" Why? This is an unfamiliar word to some and some will be thrown off by this word. Keep it simple may help here.

*NoteG* Opening Sentence/Paragraph:Being a guy who like action and action flicks, the first word "Six" calls for some curiosity. Is there any way you can make the beginning more biting? More alluring?

*NoteO* Plot:Two men are dueling for the honor of a lady. Short and sweet. Nothing to add here.

*NoteR* Style and Voice:The style gave a sense of majestic flow especially on your descriptions. You capture the time period where chivalry was paramount. Fantastic!

*NoteV* Scene/Setting:Although you had only a small amount of words to deal with, I was pleasantly surprised that you were able to describe the forest scene with depth and peacefulness. A very daring move. Why? In flash fiction, there is not a lot of time to set up the scene and you did this flawlessly.

*NoteW* Characters:Due to this being a flash piece, I understand the brevity. So I will not touch Peter and Darby characterization.

*NoteB* Dialogue:You again were able to mirror the time period very well and this showed with their diction and word choices.

*NoteG* Grammar and Mechanics:Nothing jumped out at me. Marvelous job here.

*NoteO* Sizzling Sentences:Here are sentences that were powerful! *Radioactive*

*Fire* Birdsong burst forth from the vale below, a chorus to bless the sun. Alder leaves near the lakeshore flickered green-silver, green-silver. Beneath, a doe drank from the water. The last of the mist burned away like breath cooling on a chill day. *Inlove*

*Fire* Darby gazed upon this vista unfolding beneath him, spreading his arms as though to embrace Nature itself. He felt swallowed whole.

*Fire* He tilted his head back and turned, looking up at the sky. He felt the sun warm his face. He was suspended in a moment of rapture.

*Fire* Peter eyed him along his pistol, his dark blond hair tied at the nape of his neck with a blue ribbon. A light line of concentration split his forehead. His slate eyes looked startled.

*NoteR* Review Round-up! YEE-HAW!:Flash fiction. . .the bane of some writers and the blessing of others. Some can do flash fiction well and some need to hone their skills more. I think this piece falls in the category of being done well. Although the reader does not have a lot to go on as far as the plot, you were able to skillfully spin a tale well. The only piece I would tighten is the ending to make more riveting. All in all, super job!

*NoteV* Epilogue:E.J. and the Rough Riders exploded unto the scene through a pink dimensional wormhole. Peter and Darby aimed their guns at the intruders. E.J. chomped on his bubblegum cigar, "Ya fellas, want a duel, uh?" E.J. clapped his hands and the scene transformed into a Southern barn dance. Peter and Darby had a row of cowboy dancers. E.J. and the Rough Riders were ready to go at it. "Let's hit it!" E.J. clapped his hands and the "Dueling Banjos" song blasted the air.

Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*

E.J. Apostrophe

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5
5
Review of Rude Awakening  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Jambo mamyam!

Psst...Jambo is Swahilli for 'Hi." *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for my review for the "Rockin' Reviewers - Award Page [13+]! *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem...sorry. I just read "Rude Awakening. I enjoyed reading it.

*PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet...take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

Without further ado...okay, Rough Riders, let's git to the story! Yah! Yah! Git! Git!

*NoteB* The Title of The Story:I think the title works for this type of story and give a sense of curiosity to the reader: Will this be a comedy? A horror story? Good job!

*NoteG* Opening Sentence/Paragraph:Hmmm. I think the opening could be massaged more to grab the reader's attention. I would have liked the opening to grab me by the collar and force me to read.

*NoteO* Plot:The idea of a whole town going KADOOSH is intriguing. I would have like more. I am not sure if this was a contest entry or not. The plot has promise though.

*NoteR* Style and Voice:I struggled with the style and the voice. Why? Well, put yourself in the character's shoes. Would the main character really be as calm as she portrays? I think the style of horror and suspense would have injected power into this short piece. Again, one man's opinion. Please look at the disclaimer again. *Pthb*

*NoteV* Scene/Setting:The challenge of short stories is just that: shortness. In flash fiction, I have learned that focusing on one scene can bring richness to the narrative. I would have like to seen more fleshing out of the room or possibly the town.

*NoteW* Characters: Our protagnoist is 15 years old. That's all. Not a lot of background on her.

*NoteB* Dialogue:Not a lot in this story.

*NoteG* Grammar and Mechanics:Here are some suggestions:

*CoffeeT* It started when I realized when things weren't really like what they used to be, or what I believed they should really be, but you get the point... right? (Comment: Maybe this sentence can be rewritten to flow better. When read outloud, this sentence sounds like a run-on.)

*NoteR* Review Round-up! YEE-HAW!:"Rude Awakening" is a fair start to a story with promise. Although I am not a horror or suspense fan in any means, I think ramping up these elements would have brought more electricity to this story (even a sense of dread). I felt the character was too cool as a cucumber and nonchalance. Again, would you have been this calm with this event? Final Score: 3.5

*NoteV* Epilogue:E.J. and the Rough Riders entered into the story through their emerald colored portal. E.J. spied the girl looking at the disappearance of the town. He reached into his dusty trenchcoat and pulled out a grenade labeled "Suspense" and another labeled "Horror." He launched them by the house. E.J. smiled then he and his Rough Riders hopped into another portal and another story."

Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*

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6
6
Review of The Dead Letter  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jambo Liam !

Psst...Jambo is Swahilli for 'Hi." *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for my review for the "Rockin' Reviewers - Award Page [13+]! *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem...sorry. I just read "The Dead Letter. I enjoyed reading it.

*PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet...take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

Without further ado...okay, Rough Riders, let's get to the story!

*NoteB* The Title of The Story:The Dead Letter. Very simple. Nothing melodramatic. I think this works well for a title without any bells and whistles.

*NoteG* Opening Sentence/Paragraph:Truth be told, I'm an action guy. I like explosive beginnings that capture you right away. I would have liked to see the opening with a little more flair (no, I'm not talking about zombie killings or anything). I think the beginning could have more punch if you would have went to the letter right away.

*NoteO* Plot: Liam, you were able to craft a very touching story from just a small sentence given to you. Bravo for creating a heart-filled tale with soul. Who couldn't be touched by a mother who lost their son?

*NoteR* Style and Voice:I was able to snipe the first line of your story until I read the disclaimer at the bottom. You did a fine job in keeping Malcom's voice in the proper tone and narrative.

*NoteV* Scene/Setting:Not a lot of settings or scene build up in this story. I am not sure if you had a word restriction as well (I can totally understand if you did). If not, I think taking a reader into a scene by bringing out details would have been excellent to add more density to the tale.

*NoteW* Characters:Again, word count restrictions may have been a key here. Malcom didn't have any descriptions. A short description would have satisfied the curious reader such as his glasses, his uniform, or a habit.

*NoteB* Dialog:Short and to the point from the mother. Not much to comment here.

*NoteG* Grammar and Mechanics:Nothing to report. Flawless! Kudos!

*NoteO* Sizzling Sentences: Here is a sentence that sizzled with power!*Radioactive*

*Fire* Mary Stewart, though quite short, cast a noble shadow as well as a pleasant demeanor.*Cool*

*NoteR* Review Round-up! YEE-HAW!: In conclusion, a smashing short story crafted from a first sentence. As a veteran of Writer's Cramp contest, writing prompts are not easy yet you were able to complete this with complete mastery, poise, and professionalism. Magnificent job, Liam! Final Rating: 4.5 out 5!

*NoteV* Epilogue:E.J. and the Rough Riders fly in on their TX-7000 space horses when Malcolm leaves. While Ms. Mary Stewart had her back to the door, she heard another knock. She opened the door to find a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers bursting with life and colors. She smiled and grabbed a note pinned on the middle ruby rose. The note says: "The Lord is my Shepherd." E.J. and the Riders peeked around the corner, smiled, and disappeared into the afternoon.

Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*

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7
7
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Jambo breshke !

Psst...Jambo is Swahilli for 'Hi." *Smile*

Congratulations, you have been chosen for my review for "Rockin' Reviewers - Award Page [13+]! *EVIL LAUGHTER - LIGHTING - THUNDER* Ahem...sorry. I just read "Pro-procrastination. I enjoyed reading it. *PointRight* SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Remember this is just one man's opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog's sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet...take what you need and leave the rest. Ah, that was easy...just like how my lawyer wanted me to type it!

Without further ado...okay, troops, let's beach head this story!

*NoteB* The Title of The Story:Hmmm...a perplexing title. I was frankly confused as if you meant being for procrastination or pro-procrastination as one that really, really procrastinates. Clarity would have been helpful. (Looks at sub-title). Hmm.

*NoteG* Opening Sentence/Paragraph:As a fellow competitor in the Writing Cramp, I know how important openings are. If you are not catching the judges right away, they will snooze past your entry. While I like the sense of action and fun, I think maybe a stronger opening would have captured the reader more.

*NoteO* Plot:I really wish you would have included the contest rules for this Writing Cramp. I know the 1000 words crunch can be daunting and a little help for your readers would help in laying the plot.


*NoteR* Style and Voice: I like the lightness of the story. I felt that the story carried the right tone and style for the story you wanted to tell.


*NoteV* Scene/Setting:Again, two words: Writer's Cramp. I totally understand the need to rush the story along, I really do. I would have like at least one central scene where you could have painted more details for the reader.


*NoteW* Characters:How could you not like a name like Harry Patrick Shuebacher? I think he was a well-placed beginning character and I would have like to seen more examples of his procrastination. Again, I know, I know...Writer's Cramp.


*NoteB* Dialogue: Not a lot of dialogue here. Yes, Yes...Writer's Cramp. LOL. *Laugh*


*NoteG* Grammar and Mechanics:Nothing jumped out at me. The only suggestion I would give is to probably italicize the letter for emphasis.

*NoteR* Review Round-up! YEE-HAW!:I know, I know...Writer's Cramp. Yes, we as writers can use the reasoning: "I have only 1000 words to work with! How in the world do you expect me to flesh out the story?" Actually, yes, you can. You would have to cut the story into just focusing on the conflict and keeping the conflict in one location or you could break the story into three sections with the most important conflict scene having the most details. I think the story has potential to be a comedic success and if you ever decide to bolster the story more, you can make a nice story a great one.

*NoteV* Epilogue: E.J. and his Rough Riders ride into the story's cafeteria with their Electro-storm hover horses and guns blazing! All of the kids rush out. E.J.'s bionic eye spies Harry and he lassos him to the post. Harry is shaking in his boots. E.J. walks up to him, holds his laser gun to his head, and snarls, "You Harry?"

"Yeah! Yeah"

"Good."

A shot is heard and Madison breaks from the group outside to find Harry.

She spies Harry on the ground with flowers in his hand and a ring. A sign is hung around his neck: "Will you marry me, Madison?"

Madison hugs him and says, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

E.J. peers off in the distant with his bionic eye, smiles, and rides off with the Rough Riders.


Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing!

*RainbowL* *ButterflyG* I appreciate you! *ButterflyR* *RainbowR*

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8
8
Review of Gift of Sight  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Noxys ! Congratulations, you have been chosen as a Rising Star by the WDC Angel Army! You are in the spotlight and I just read “Gift of Sight.” I enjoyed reading it. Remember this is just one man’s opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog’s sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Just like a buffet…take what you need and leave the rest. Without further ado…okay, troops, let’s beach head this story!

*Check2* The Title of the Story:The title is fitting for the prose. Not earth-shaking yet appropriate for the story. (3 out of 5)

*Check2* Opening Sentence/Paragraph: If a story can grab me by the throat and force me to read then the author has gone their job. I like the disclaimer. Why? You are willing to make a stand and to boldly proclaim your personal beliefs. Great job.

Now, the story opening. Sadly, I was not gripped strong enough to be pulled into the story. My opinion (which remember is as valuable as Bularian hog sweat) is that you may want to rework the beginning to draw the reader in. (Intro: 4.5 out of 5 – Story Intro: 2.0 out of 5)

*Check2* Plot or Theme: I like to place the plot of a story as a “What If question?” Why? This will show the strength or weakness of a plot. Also, to examine if we have a concept which is the meat. So here is what I came up with:

What if a person who is a Christian can see the Holy Spirit and use this gift to help others?

This was an out of the ordinary premise and though our views are differing regarding the Holy Spirit, I think the story’s premise had merit. (3.5 out of 5)

*Check2* Scene/Setting: Here is where some authors falter at. Settings is pivotal to stories because as a reader, I want to know where I am at. What are the smells, the sights, and the tastes of the atmosphere around me in the story. I would have like to get the scene of the hospital: the sights, the sounds, the smells, even the tastes. As a reader, inject me into the place so I can experience this. (2 out of 5)

*Check2* Characters: John has the prospect of being a strong character. I saw some weaknesses in his characterization that I would have like seen developed more. What did John look like? How old was he? What does he like to eat? I want to care about the main character I read and I think his character has room for strengthening. (3.0 out of 5)

*Check2* Dialogue: Just like nails to a chalkboard…there is nothing more grating than silted dialogue in a story. Spectular job in making the dialogue sound natural and free-flowing like water. (4.5 out of 5)

*Check2* Pacing and Flow: The pacing kept on a steady beat and you were on the right course until the interaction with Martha. To me, I felt this hurt the narrative and slowed down the character’s story. I think focusing on the mother and the character’s struggle would have been plenty. This leads me to the next section…(3.5 out of 5)

*Check2* Conflict: If a story doesn’t have conflict…well, frankly the story will be flatter than left out soda/soft drink. In my humble opinion (I’m just one reader, mind you), this is not enough conflict to interest a reader. No conflict, no story. More conflict, more story. I would have enjoyed as a reader seeing John struggle more with his mother’s illness. I thought his surrender to God’s Will was to immediate instead of a real wrestling with God. (2.0 out of 5)

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics: Here are some areas I saw for your consideration:

*Pencil* It will surely kill her, that is if this treatment doesn’t do it first.” (Comment: Space between her and that.)

*Pencil* I don’t know that. I may be the Holy Spirit, and thus God, but I am not God. I am the Holy Spirit. My function as God is to be close to you at all times and to understand your heart. I do not know God’s plan, only that he has one.”. (Comment: Typically the ‘he’for God would be capitialized).

*Pencil* John watched Terath for a moment, then said, “I’m going back. I need to talk with my dad.” Terath jumped and spread his wings. He flew and gently landed on John’s right shoulder. He settled there comfortably and stayed quiet. John looked at him, then left the cafeteria and headed back to his mother’s room. His father was sitting in the seat John had occupied when he left. There was second seat next to the first. John crossed the room and sat next to his father. For a moment he just watched his mother sleep.(Comment: Dad would be captialized. Also, you stated that Terath was not a male or female…you would need to change this personal tense from ‘his wings’ to ‘its wings’, ‘It flew’, and ‘It settled.”)

*Pencil* It’s still wrong that mom has to suffer this, but I can accept that God has a plan for this and that it will turn out for good. (Comment: Mom would be capitalized)

*Pencil* Give me a moment and I’ll look for yours and mother’s.” John looked around the room, hunting the Holy Spirit with his eyes. Slowly the spirits faded into existence. “Your spirit is sitting on your right shoulder as well, and mom’s is laying next to her on her pillow. Not that it matters particularly. You can’t see them anyway. (Comment: Mother would be captialized and slowly would have a comma after the word.)

*Pencil* “What is it John,” asked John’s father.(Comment: Comma after the word ‘it’ and question mark after ‘John’.)

*Pencil* “What’s wrong. If you want to talk about anything I’ll listen.” (Comment: A question mark after the word ‘wrong.’)

*Pencil* “It’s nice to meet you Martha. What happened to you?” (Comment: A comma needs to between the words ‘you’ and ‘Martha.’)

*Pencil* It was my fault I got hit! I was high and wandered out in front of the car. (Comment: I wonder if you could elaborate on what was Martha high on. This was not explained.)

*Check2* Wow Sentences: Here is one sentence that truly wowed me:

*RainbowR* As John looked, the room slowly went dark. ‘John. You have asked of me with faith for a gift,’ came the voice again. This time, an overwhelming presence enveloped John as the voice spoke. It wasn’t oppressive. It was an incomprehensible love that pressed down on John. – Simply stunning line!

*Check2* Review Round-Up:

As stated earlier, I appreciate your willingness to share this story and to be willing and open to share your views on the Holy Spirit which is different from others. I think the focal point of John’s struggle with his mother’s illness would help boost the conflict in the story tremendously.

Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.




9
9
Review of My Best Friend.  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
b}Congratulations Jake ! You are a Rising Star in the spotlight by the WDC Angel Army! Remember this is just one man’s opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog’s sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Feel free to treat the review like buffets…take what you need and leave the rest. Without further ado…okay, troops, let’s beach head this poem!

*Check2* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:The poem is a light and interesting description of your love of beer. Very uniquely done.

*Check2* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable): The form and style at first was ABCDD. Then transition to EE FF GG HHIH JKJK LMNM OOPO. This was very different. Were you shooting for a free-form style with some rhyming scheme sprinkled in?

*Check2* Artistic Voice and Imagery: I thought you elegantly captured the right tone for this poem: very feathery and fun

*Check2* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics: Alas, there were some words that tripped me up while reading this poem::

· When your not around – (Did you mean ‘you’re?’)
· Thats the way it ought to be – (Apostrophe between that and s.)
· I might not win the race – (This line confused me…what race are you referring to?)
· End up abuseing you – (the correct word is abusing.)
· I whisper in you're ear – (The correct word is your.)
· Thats cuz you're my best friend – (Apostrophe between that and s.)

*Check2* Suggestions: I would suggest correcting the spelling errors and possibly looking at inserting a brief intro on what poetry style you are using. All in all, a different and creative way to look at a beverage.

Thank you for sharing your poetic prowess. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
10
10
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sara King ! You have been chosen by the WDC Angel Army for a port raid! Remember this is just one man’s opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog’s sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Please treat this review like a buffet…take what you need and leave the rest! Without further ado…okay, troops, let’s beach head this story!

*Check2* The Title of the Story : I think that titles need to have enough firepower to blow the hats off the readers and the title “ The Millennium Potion” does just that. Imaginative with a feel of a McGuffin embedded. Bravo! ( 4 out 5)

*Check2* Plot or Theme:{/b) I like to place the plot of a story as a “What If question?” Why? This will show the strength or weakness of a plot. Also, to examine if we have a concept which is the meat So here is what I came up with:

What if a female pirate is willing to side with the enemy to destroy a greater enemy—her father?”

The “What If” works well for this story and the many branches of subplots that can shoot into different directions is varied. This will keep the reader interested as each scene is laid out. Excellent. (4 out of 5)

*Check2* Scene/Setting: You made sure that I know where the characters were and described the main scene without over saturating with fluff details. You know, you are making my review hard with all of this glowing praise. Are you getting big headed yet? (4 out of 5)

*Check2* Characters: Here is where I see there was a problem. Now don’t get me wrong…you made me actually like the main character, Athenais. I really did. Unlike other authors I have reviewed, you had fleshed her out very well and stamped her with DNA.

The only drawback I felt with her was this…I felt you poured all your descriptions on the three colonists and none on the main character. If I missed this, please let me know. I know that Athenais likes guns and fights and has a scar yet I did not know about her physical looks other than this. I wanted to know her skin color, her height, eye color, etc. (3.5 out of 5)

*Check2* Dialogue/POV: Third person narrative was a good choice for this piece. For blasters and bomb shelters, I wonder how this story would have flowed if Athenais was telling the story. I wonder how she would have narrated the story. Something to possibly play with. (4 out of 5)

*Check2* Pacing and Flow: Okay, I admit this…when I saw how much I had to read for your chapter I wanted to grab my teddy bear (manly teddy bear, thank you very much) and crawl under the computer. Yet I was surprised by this piece…I did not once get bored at all. The flow was well-maintained especially when the dialogue scenes with Athenais and the colonists. Nice going! (4 out of 5)

*Check2* Conflict: If a story doesn’t have conflict…well, frankly the story will be flatter than left out soda. Here are the conflicts I see in Chapter 1:

* Athenais conflict with Utopians.
* Athenais conflict with colonists.
* Athenias conflict with her father.
* 3 Colonists conflict with Utopians.

Nothing like juicy conflict to make a story sparkle. Each conflict is well-thought out and ties together nicely. There is one conflict though that I would have liked to see more struggles and wrestling with: The deal that Athenias made with the Colonists at the end of Chapter 1. I felt that this could have been made more dramatic and make me doubt as a reader that she would go ahead with this suicide mission. The brevity in which she made me decision caught me off-guard. (4.5 out of 5)

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

Here are some things I spotted. Not a lot, mind you. Your editing is near flawless. (4.5 out of 5)

*Pencil* His hair was a matted black, cropped close to his skull in total disrespect of the current style. He was wearing a black spacer outfit with deep pockets and EverWarm lining. As he pulled out a stool and sat at the bar, she realized that he was missing the smallest finger of his left hand. (Suggestion: Chose another word for black to avoid redundancy)

*Pencil* The yellow eye… (Suggestion: You may want to change up the description of yellow to give variety).

*Pencil* Her voice was naturally loud from commanding a shipful of selectively deaf space pirates, and it cut through the silence like a knife. (Suggestion: I would have like a new cliché' than 'cut through the silence like a knife' to reflect the sci-fi world this is in. I'm sure you could come up with something unique and fitting.)

*Pencil* Not for the first time, instead of following her gut and ending the conversation, curiosity got the better of her. (Suggestion: I wonder if this could be phrased better: "Not the first time,").

*Pencil* “No he didn't.” (Suggestion: Comma after no)

*Pencil* "No you don't." (Suggestion: Comma after no)

*RainbowR* Wow Sentences:*RainbowR*

There are many power sentences that really floored me in this chapter:

*Sun* Instead, she had to make do with the atmosphere. She loved the squalor and the ancient, rough-hewn tables that stank of years of malt and whiskey. She loved the dirty glasses, the weapons on every hip. She loved the battered, crusty-eyed spacers that looked ready to cough up a lung or die of the Plague.

*Sun* Several psychologists could probably tell her exactly what was wrong with her, but Athenais had always put a gun between their eyes before they could finish.

She didn't want them to ruin the surprise. (LOVE THIS!) *Delight*

*Sun* Athenais had lost the biggest three toes on her right foot when she got them stuck in the air-lock of her ship, but she was relieved they grew back the next day because it threw off her balance.

*Sun* Her voice was naturally loud from commanding a shipful of selectively deaf space pirates, and it cut through the silence like a knife.

*Sun* Half of his face was smothered in a thick brown beard and his spacer outfit creaked from the strain his huge muscles were putting on it.

*Sun* He had a hooked nose attached to a perfectly spherical head. Combined with his long neck, he looked a lot like a stork on steroids

*Sun* His tight, jerky conversation suddenly made the tiny hairs on her neck stand on end

*Sun* Coming from behind unreadable yellow eyes—alien eyes, now that she thought of it—made her skin prickle uncomfortably.

*Sun* A malicious smile stretched Paul’s lips.

*Sun* “Your original name was Marcella Tempest, after your father Marceau. You changed it to Athenais Owlborne, an obvious reference to the ancient human goddess Pallas-Athene and her rivalry with Mars, whose name your father bears.”

*Sun* He looked like he wanted to crush her face with his huge fist.

*Exclaim* Review Round-up:*Exclaim*

Angelic Soldier Abram: General EJ! General EJ! This story is flawless! We need to retreat. We keep shooting this piece and the lasers keep bouncing off.

General EJ (chewing on my bubble gum cigar)
: I see. This one has studied the craft of writin’ well. Hmm. Too well. She might be a candidate for a risin’ star one day. Abram, let’s teleport! She is too powerful for us right now. She may have won the battle but not the war in perfect storytellin’.

A shockwave of crackling azure energy engulfs the Angelic Army and we disappear.

----------

Summary: A near flawless sci-fiction yarn! I think if you can buff out some of the rough spots and tweak here and there, the potential for this story is through the roof. Fantastic narrative skills!


Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.














11
11
Review of My Heaven  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations scorpio76 ! You are a Rising Star in the spotlight for the WDC Angel Army! Remember this is just one man’s opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog’s sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Feel free to treat the review like a buffet…take what you need and leave the rest. Without further ado…okay, troops, let’s beach head this poem!


*Check2* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact: I like the feel of this poem. The poem is light and fun to me because heaven is indeed more wonderful than can be put into words.


*Check2* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable): The form worked in some parts. I would like to address those in the suggestion part.


*Check2* Artistic Voice and Imagery: My favorite part is the green pastures. This section reminds me of the great Psalm 23 where the Psalmist tells of the Lord leading His sheep to green pastures.


*Check2* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics: I read this poem out loud twice to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Here are some sections that tripped me up:


My heaven is now, with the people

who are in my life,

my heaven is to watch the sunset and

the stars glow as it reaches the night.



(Is the rhyming scheme continuing? I was looking for life and night to rhyme.)



Heaven to me is much part

of living,

how we help those in need,

how our hearts keep on giving.



(Now this rhymes well. I was tripped up when I read “Heaven to me is much part.” The flow seemed off here.)



My heaven is my husband,who I look

to each night,who is not just my best friend

but my soul mate for life.



(Here is the night and life again. The flow feels off with the addition of the wording “who is not.”)


*Check2* Suggestions: I would suggest reading the sections out loud to notice if the flow seem silted in those parts or not. Over all, a very enjoyable poem.



Thank you for sharing your poetic prowess. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.









12
12
Review of Numb  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Congratulations penmightiersword! You are a Rising Star in the spotlight by the WDC Angel Army! Remember this is just one man’s opinion (which is as valuable as licensed Bulgarian hog’s sweat) and hope you find this feedback useful given in the spirit of humility and meekness. Feel free to treat the review like a buffet…take what you need and leave the rest. Without further ado…okay, troops, let’s beach head this poem: "Numb"!


*Check2* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact: I can feel the raw emotion in this poem because I know what depression feels like. I was hoping for at least a glimmer of hope in this piece and hoping that the person would experience radiance once again.

*Check2* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable): I see this poem under the style of free-form which works very well for the emotions exposed.

*Check2* Artistic Voice and Imagery: I could feel the despair in this poem and knowing how deep my own darkness can go…this was chilling. Excellent job in expressing the emptiness and hopelessness

*Check2* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics: I saw nothing that jumped out at me.

*Check2* Suggestions: In my humble opinion, I would have like to see the author see some glimmer of hope or light because we live in a life of balance. Ups and downs. Sunshine and Darkness. I am an eternal optimist and having battled darkness in the form of depression. I can personally attest that the darkness can be overcome.

Thank you for sharing your poetic prowess. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!
13
13
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tina B! I am calling my troops to raid your port! Thank you for the privilege of reading your piece and hope you find this feedback useful while given in the spirit of humility and meekness.

*Check2* The What If Question?: What if we see and feel the worried emotions of a lady who lost her home to a Cat 5 storm?

*Check2* Scene/Setting: I think the whole event, at least the reminiscing part, happened at Melanie’s mother’s home.

*Check2* Characters: See round up.

*Check2* Dialog: N/A

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics: None I saw.

*Check2* Review Round-Up:

First of all, congratulations on stretching yourself as a writer to take on flash fiction (300 to 1000 words). The medium is very testing and not for the faint of heart.

The goal is to bring out the emotions of a character so concretely that the reader will need to be swept into the worry. With this piece, I did not get that yearning or ache for Melanie’s plight.

Here are possibly suggestions to help supercharge the emotional content:

*CoffeeT* The use of short sentences to gather the feeling of immediacy and anxiety.

*CoffeeT* The use of metaphors sprinkled throughout to color the emotions.

*CoffeeT* Or a story focusing only on dialogue can be a powerful way to give away the feeling of dread and worry.

Bravo again for taking up the challenge to grow as a writer!

Thank you for sharing your yarn. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!
14
14
Review of Angel of Light  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi KrisAnn! I first read your piece in the Writer’s Cramp contest. I have been meaning for weeks to review it and now I can! I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful while given in the spirit of humility and meekness.


*Check2* The What If Question?: What if a girl was tired of taking care of her invalid father and wished for a way out that is answered by Lucifer?

*Check2* Scene/Setting: The setting were very minimalist for this type of story due to the 1000 word restriction. This worked well because you gave faint touches of setting to help the reader keep grounded.

*Check2* Characters: Chrystal was a hapless character who really didn’t seem to have much of a life out of her nursing duties. Great job in briefly showing her plight and frustrations.

*Check2* Dialog: At times the dialogue became jilted or mechanical, a suggestion is offered below.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:” He's decided now is your time for a blessing” – for some reason, this did not read right aloud when I reviewed. You may try to listen to the flow to see if this is right or not.

*Check2* Wow Moments!*Shock*
:
“The man's smooth, slinky voice gave me pause. I could hear a melodious tone to his speech, almost like a lullaby.” – I thought this description was dazzling considering whom Chrystal is dealing with. Bravo!

*Check2* Review Round-Up:

When I first read this story as a competitor in the Cramp, this piece totally blew me away. Your narrative was solid as you lead the reader into the frustrations of Chrystal taking care of her father to an interesting twist of a “genie in a bottle.”

Here are a few observations/questions I would like to give:

*CoffeeG* “I don’t know how much more I can take, I thought. I can’t wait for this to be over. “ – One aspect about great storytelling is the opening sentence. Many writers labor to make sure the opening grabs a reader by the throat. How could you make the opening sentence more powerful? How could you introduce Chrystal in the first sentence and make the reader drooling for more?

*CoffeeG* Angel snickered, making me weak in the knees. Goodness, I thought, when's the last time that’s happened? – Why did Chrystal think this?

Finally, the ending…in your original draft, the ending was much more stronger and more thought-provoking. When I read your newest rendering, I felt the emotional aspect was missing and would like to read a more riveting conclusion.

Still, overall, your writing skills shine in this piece and I look forward to more of your storytelling in the future!


Thank you for sharing your story. Keep the inkwell full and the quill pen flowing! I appreciate you!


























15
15
Review of Acceptance  
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello! As a reader, I hope you will find my meager breadcrumbs of feedback helpful and encouraging.

*Check2* Overall Impression:Great start in storytelling! Bravo in your willingness to share your work!


*Check2* Plot:An interesting take on a murder and the ending is a surprise…excellent.


*Check2* Style and Voice: See suggestions below.


*Check2* Scene/Setting: Please see suggestions.


*Check2* Characters: See suggestions.


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:


*Check2* Suggestions:

Well done for a first draft! As a reader, here is some suggestions/observations that I saw:

*** I would recommend breaking up the line structure to 3 to 4 lines per paragraph max. Why? This will allow for easier reading and story flow.

*** The beginning scene is a nice start. How can you make this scene more powerful or more gripping? Why do I need to read your story?

"As he put a blood stained hand on either side of the door, he stared out into the half destroyed blood soaked room, he asked, 'How did this happen?'"

*** Suggestion: Use the thesaurus to look up different words for blood to create the mood and shock you are looking for.

"Fear ran through him like ice cold water injected into his veins."

*** Suggestion: How about coming up with something that is unique to describe the feeling that overcame him?

"When he touched it memory washed over him like a levy in his mind had been breached, the sudden influx of information caused his legs to buckle, and he slid down the wall and huddled in the corner staring at the crime scene before him."

*** Suggestion: You may want to break this sentence into smaller morsels. The actions that you want to convey will be more clear.

*** Characterization Questions:

1. Who is Mitch? Why as a reader do I need to care about him as a character?
2. Mitch stated that he shot his wife. Did he shot the lover to?


Thank you for allowing me to experience your writing! Keep the inkwell full and the pen going!
16
16
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression: A very powerful narrative about the Gospel and the use of trees was an interesting choice to display a different light.


*Check2* Plot: I thought the plot was very solid. More will be discussed in the suggestions.


*Check2* Style and Voice:I enjoyed the narrative between the characters. No sense of stiffness at all.


*Check2* Scene/Setting:Please look at the suggestions.


*Check2* Characters:Each character fulfilled their roles succinctly.


*Check2* Spelling:See suggestions.


*Check2* Suggestions: # Well done on reflecting the Gospel uniquely. As a reader, here is some suggestions/observations that I saw:

* Was Willow a boy or girl? I could not tell by the narrative and this would have fleshed out the story more (If you did, please excuse my overlooking of this fact). I would have enjoyed if Sarah was not a sister yet someone he loved as wanting to spend his life with.

* I may suggest placing a disclaimer stating that the characters in the stories cannot experience salvation. This would help quell any Christians who will call you out on this plus if the story is used in Sunday School.

* Also, please note that there is a similar story as yours floating round about a tree being turned into a cross for Christ. Many may compare yours to this one as well.

* I would have liked more environment descriptions. How did the trees interact with other pieces of God’s nature?

* Secretly, I would have like this plot to have been done with real people.

* Spelling: Pontius Pilate instead of Pontius Pilot.


Thank you for sharing your story. Keep filling up the inkwell!
17
17
Review by E.J. Apostrophe
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Congratulations! Your portfolio is highlighted in The WDC Angel Army this month! As a reader, I hope you will find my meager breadcrumbs of feedback helpful and encouraging.

*Check2* Overall Impression: What an unique way to introduce your readers to the gestation process! I like how the elderly women (EW) came alive in this piece and bits of her personality shined through.


*Check2* Wow Moment: Sheepishly, I like the fact that EW still attracted suitors and I especially like her dignity and demure with him. Her poise remind one of a Grace Kelly, playful as a kitten and can turn into a tiger if wronged.


*Check2* Style and Voice: Every writer strives for a natural conversation. No author want to have characters be like rigid cut-outs. The conversation was not like this at all. Each subject was brought with fun and freedom...dare I say spunk?


*Check2* Scene/Setting: N/A


*Check2* Characters: EW is clearly the star of this piece. She shows a great contrast of grace vs. the day and age of microwave quick solutions (e.g. the suitor taking things fast).


*Check2* Dialog: Very snappy and punchy (which I like) with a bit of sarcasm (I like snarky). The exchange between the author and EW was very natural.


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics: Nothing stood out. Bravo!


*Check2* Suggestions: I would have enjoyed EW's discourse on her husband and their marriage. She said she missed him. Why? As a reader, I want to peek inside of her marriage to see what made this special. The only other note is that the author read like a courtroom prosecutor. The author keep firing salvo of questions (which keep the pace moving). Still, the humanness of the author ended up missing for me. There is no time to digest and share a side of the author. I recommend NPR's program Fresh Air with Terry Gross. She is a master interviewer and I would have like to seen the author have Terry's warmness during this interview.


Bravo! Keep writing your heart out!
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