Call it "Free Form" a perfectly valid designation!
You may want to try to reduce most of the "the"'s and eliminate a few "and"s it may help the flow. Try to get away from thinking you have to write sentences.
You are doing well but may find the above helps the way the poem reads.
I feel the use of "its" adds an unnecessary "third person" context to the work as it is her brain.
It diminishes the passion of this otherwise good poem.
Try "She tries to ignore her needs",
Again, "Applying herself to other charges" is non-emotional and reduces the impact of the next stanza.
think about
"Desperately searching for lucid thought
She yearns for unbridled discharge" I would delete "into contact" makes the piece flow.
"translating" is a very passive word how about "Her lips pulsing"
Just a few tweeks for you to consider. Make the second line "Love though far away, we're never apart" This makes it fit much better.
Change "Love's power, there's no escaping love's grasp"
to "Love's power, there's no escaping it's catch" or something similar to preserve your rhyming scheme.
No its not childish, its rather good. Its not mushy either so I would go ahead.
For some suggestions, I would eliminate the strict sentence structure that you have used. Poetry is emotion with few of the requirements of language structure. It may have more impact if you so choose to rewrite it.
Let me say I like your poem. the first stanza is great but I would delete the "and".
I would suggest a few changes to tighten it up.
The last three stanzas are artistic but read like sentences when read.
Let me admit I am not well versed in Hiaku. As I understand it, the three lines should contain sylables in the sequence of 5,7,5 for a total of 17. The form is to express ideas and paint pictures with a minimalist effort.
That being said, I truly like your Haiku-like poem. This is just one person's opinion so please don't take it as a harsh comment as it is not meant to be.
I really enjoyed this poem. It expresses the feeling you have very well. I would make just the following changes to improve the impact, the feeling, the wholeness of it all.
"Shots rang out as they fell with cries of agony"
change to "Shots rang out as men fell with cries of agony" You have no reference to who "they" were to this point. Yes we do understand but it makes it easier and prevents us readers from stumbling here.
"As the river of tears tumbled down" change "the" to "a" same reason as above
And finally I woulc consider changing "The sun went down, sadly" to "And the sun sank sadly"
Hope this helps, even without my suggestions it is a very good poem.
Very interesting. You are right it is a view perhaps more of us should have. We celebrate birth which is a precursor to death.
I might change line 9 & 11 the word "waits" in both to "awaits" I think you may find it flows better that way.
The only time you break the image is when you use the word "Pilfer". this is not something a wave is usually connected to. I might suggest something like "wash away". If you will excuse the pun.... it flows better.... Grin
Elby w
In the second stanza "blood" is mentioned twice. More impact may be gotten if you change two lines to:
"I would take the life
From your gushing arteries" try it and see.
Finally I suggest:
"Was there anything ever so powerful?
Eat your heart out…….
And choke on it!" Does this finalize it with more zest for you?
Nicely expressed. I liked the form you used throughout and my suggestions would still follow it but for these purposes I am not trying to duplicate them.
First stanza - how does one violate intentions? This causes the reader to stop and interupts the flow. Perhaps "ignoring my needs" would work or something similar.
Hope some of this will help.
Wordsmith
2nd stanza last line causes a stumble. I know what you mean but Maybe it should be "I give in before you give up" or "I give in before I can give up"
I would change "absence" to "time" you have already indicated "distance" which automatically indicates absence.
Last stanza - I suggest replacing "needs" with "whims" as it may tie in better with the final words of the stanza.
I like the first stanza, it flows with some great ideas.
In the refrain, I believe it would be better to substitute "want to" for "wanna". I think it would sound better.
I hesitate at "Dear hater" as it doesn't evoke an image to me. would "enemy" work better? Also, someone who hates you will not "teach" you how to fight but may "inspire me to fight" or "force" or "cajole". Here we need more impact I think.
"f***" is such an overused, meaningless, word in this day and age, repeating it four times takes away from the initial shock value of using it. Would you consider the following ending?
f*** you all
I'll find my own way
I'll handle this pain myself
I won't lose this time!
It seems it may add more force of conviction while at the same time retaining the shock value you want.
Enjoy the thoughts and the ideas expressed. Suggest you split the third stanza in two. Was this an oversight?
Perhaps "consumption" is not what you really meant. I would change this but am not sure to what. It leaves me wondering what you were striving for.
"It represents the culmination of humanity," this leaves me wandering a bit. Perhaps "It the courage of the warrior" or something more personified.
My fathers medals sit in a drawer and make me wonder of his feelings of his courage to face WWII and survive til 1958. I honour him everytime I look at them but cannot understand how he earned them and his feelings
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