Can't say this is a short story, seems more like a vignette, i am still trying to guess what's the outcome....was he just diagnosed to have a terminal illness, that's why she came, cried and left? Did she find him a loser and could not help herself but cry over her/his loss? But you have a beginning of a great plot there...i am waiting to read how you're going to resolve it. It's like waiting in suspense how it will all end for both the man and the woman.
What fun picture you had vividly painted...summer days spent by a body of water over which suspends a makeshift swing from where children ( especially boys ) would dangle and fall..reminders of a long-ago and life-long friendships most of us can relate with. Keep writing!
I like your poem, but more so because of the message that saves instead of just remaining dark. The use of key words die, life,hope, faith,love gives emphasis and strength to the message of the poetry.
I would love having my two grandchildren read your short story,except that maybe their parents will get mad with me for scaring them with such a story( she's 9 and he's 6 ), just the right ages for them to believe in make-believe. This is a well-written short story appropriate for children, and I like it.
I like your subject, and the structure and rhyme of your poetry. I can empathize with the disappointment the weather brought to your much-awaited picnic, and the famous unpredictability of the English weather. However, because we are now facing global warming, the world weather is no longer predictable. So, any time the weather holds, just be prepared to go out on a lark and enjoy that impromptu picnic, it might just rain any minute!
Good for you! I like the statement of self you expressed in the poetry. It is simple, outspoken but not rude, just an affirmation of yourself, that you like yourself , and you are not going out of your way to be liked for being somebody you are not. I also like that there is a certain order and rhyme in the poetry, and that you took an effort in structuring it.
How very right you are, you have quite nailed your subjects right on the head, so to speak. The only flaw i saw in your essay is the superfluous use of elated euphoria ( paragraph 4 ), and the only reason i did not give you a 5 is because there is always room for improvement. Otherwise, your essay on women's reaction when receiving gifts of flowers is so accurate and the arguments so sensitively written that no woman will find them objectionable. Now, I'm a woman, and it is my experience that a woman can almost forgive everything a man does when she receives a flower peace offering ( clouds her judgment by intent ? ) *-: )
Another of your hauntingly beautiful and sad poems,Ken. Thank you for sharing such pain in well-controlled vivid imagery of death. I like the choices of words you use ( especially the symbolism of water and hope). But I am curious : why feathers? Oh, and by the way, I think you missed putting an apostrophe after life ( you meant maybe life's plumage ?)
While I do not agree with your expressed opinion in your poetry, I admire the use of imagery ( pop the pill and drop to your knee ) to express your dark imaginings. You painted death with hopelessness and despair, and a sense of dying without purpose in this life ( this is where I don't agree ). I would have preferred your message to be inspiring and uplifting, rather than more of a death wish. But as poetry structure goes, you vividly put your message across, with depth of feeling, some rhyme and symbols.
Your poem read more like a love letter addressed to someone else that I had accidentally opened; it is baring one's soul in a narrative of mutual attraction but unrequited love. As far as poetry technicalities and structure go, it is too free verse and free-flowing for my preference, because repetition of certain key words often give depth and a certain haunting quality to poetry, which is what I often prefer . Perhaps a little more work on this will give it more polish and depth. Definitely you have a strong message there , and your honesty of emotions too direct to be ignored. Being the author you must be able to exercise your creativity without restrictions or rules to shackle your imagination ( .
There is beauty in the simplicity of your poetry, a quiet longing symbolized by the moon ( did you mean full or fool )?If you separated the 3rd line and made them into 5 lines instead of 4 ( as beautiful as it was / all i could think of was ) it would have a better balance and rhyme, but then, you are the writer, and you are free to exercise poetic license( excuse the pun). The same is true with the last stanza, it could be split into 4 lines instead of three ( because at that moment / it didn't matter where we were ). *-)
I like the concept you use and the first line of your poem, and the repetition of "memories" is quite effectively haunting. However, be careful about all the commas you've been using ( especially at the end of each line, they could be boring;didn't you mean a period or dot instead to indicate the end of the stanza or verse)? A little polishing and editing, and your poem will sound great.
Funerals are always heart-wrenching;saying goodbye in structured poetry without stifling one's expression of emotions is even more difficult . I like the last two lines you wrote : "A lullaby to life gone far a homily to the life we are."
Write on!
This is a very nice story to tell children, and yes, it will be an effective way of teaching them the concept of sharing. I would love to tell my two grandchildren your story.
For you to have been able to tell your story under time pressure says much about your skill as a short story writer. A lot has happened to highlight the ever-growing threat of terrorism in our world, and it is so easy to be paranoid about people whose descent and culture may have played a vital role in recent world news. I am glad that the ending to your story is a happy one. But what if your choice/decision proved to be wrong in the end? This is sobering thought, and your story is thought-provoking indeed.
I love your poem..it evokes soft warm love and tender feelings long forgotten, at the same time haunts one with sadness at the end, because the object of this love is not really there. The imagery you create is filled with depths of a quiet, ethereal and protective kind, associated with a death of a loved one, as opposed to a vibrating passionate kind associated with the living. It's like stepping into an empty room only filled with keepsakes.
As poetic structures go, I am still an eager student learning each day as I read and review here. I understand what iambic means and the Greek mythology you refer to. But what i'm sure of is the clarity of the message you want to put across : the sense of loss you felt about a potentially rewarding relationship that had never even been given a chance to start . I can relate to those feelings, and can't help but think of the what ifs....love it!
I have a word for all the emotions you poured into this love/hate poem :catharsis. The repetition in the first line is very effective emphasis,and the use of three superlative words in the second line of every stanza equally paints a vivid picture of raw emotions and the pain the author undergoes. Can relate to that.
I liked and enjoyed your short story. I can feel a lump in my throat reading about how harsh their father is, and couldn't understand his seeming hatred towards the taller son ( he's younger ?). This tale of two brothers could still be a modern day story, but I am curious why this seems to be written in another era? Any particular reason ? You know that if you take this further, you could turn it into just another chapter of a novel?
I like your short story; I didn't know one can be purely dialogue ; it has allowed your story to be fast-paced and appropriately short, yet at the same time bringing the story to its end without leaving the reader hanging. I like the way you ended it: instead of just walking away from the accident scene, the driver showed compassion and caring, and the "wronged" victim forgiving in her pain.
Couldn't agree with you more! It is clear to the reader that the topic you chose to write about in your essay is close to your heart, and you write with conviction, that is why you are able to sway me to agree with you. The 2 examples of the people you knew who died brought home the point with ease, and is quite effective , the argument tight and cohesive. I especially like the last line as your ending.
I like the theme you used ( mirror) as a silent witness to the teenage girl's loneliness and isolation in her gilded prison house. As an inanimate object, you are only a spectator and therefore not expected to be able to do anything,therefore, it doesn't seem appropriate to write in your last paragraph "i don't know how much I could do to make you happy."
I am a stickler for correct grammar, so I'd like to point out some errors you can correct : 1st par ( silent witness to), 6th par. ( one does not blossom into, but out ), "closing in " better than closing, 7th par ( took refuge "at " her reading table, not "to",8th par ( heave sighs, not "heaving sighs). Over-all, the mirror as a mute witness is believable, and you have given it an in-depth characterization .
I enjoyed your short story, and how the Chinese culture of luck and fortune are believed and accepted by even the people of the west. The way the sentences are constructed in short sometimes staccato arrangements give Mei a realistic characterization and gives the scene a Chinese atmosphere.
I like the way you conveyed the central idea : that knowledge and wisdom go hand-in-hand, that they cannot be separated nor one put above the other, because they are equally important. The poem was very clear in putting this idea across to its readers. Structurally, I also like the rhyme and the regularity of its lines.
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