| Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself.
I found this on the "Noticing Newbies/Review A Newbie" Page...I'm using my poetry review format because songs are like poetry.
Title & Imagery:
You obviously have a purpose with both the title and imagery of the song. With this regard, I think you've accomplished the purpose.
You don't really have a form here as it's written in one paragraph and I also can't seem to pick out any rhyme form.
For my own personal view, I think it might have been better if you broke up the song into verses/stanzas. Both for easier reading and to make it a complete song. A suggestion might be something like this....
Linked 'Note' no longer available.
You know my secrets,
you know what I crave,
what I love,
but do you know my pain?
Do you know what I go through every day?
My walls are crumbling,
fallllling through the darkness of my own mind,
losing it all,
do you know what it's like?
To be falllling into the darkness of the unknown,
not knowing where your going
or if you’ll ever be okay.
The pain is apart Of you,
it makes your mind a cloudless landscape
filled with worry, fear, doubt
and above all a loneliness that can never be filled.
That's why I'm Fallllllllllllllllllling into the darkness
like a never ending lope.
Falling into the unknown.
Fallllllling into the never ending darkness,
will I ever leave?
fallllling into darrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkneessssssss.
It's difficult to judge the flow and rhythm of this song. There are places that flow easily and others which are a little tough to follow. I think some of it is just the word choice.
You do have your own definite style and tone with this song. It comes out very clearly and I like it.
There are a few things with word choice and spelling errors which could be corrected. For me, personally, the elongated words could be eliminated. Or more precisely, reduced. Just say "falling" or "darkness". I do understand that in music the words would sound longer and you want to portray that in here. But for me it's distracting as a reader. Even on a music page the most you would see is..."Fall - ing" to denote the word follows the number of notes. You might want to consider it when writing songs.
There were also a couple of spelling errors.
In the sentence..."...not knowing where your going..." the highlighted word should be "You're" or "You are".
In the sentence..."The pain is apart Of you," the highlighted word should be "a part".
In the sentence..."...like a never ending lope...." the highlighted word should most likely be "Slope".
The last thing I'll suggest regarding word choice is to look over this again and perhaps come up with some rhyming words for the song. I know it can be tough, I'm a free verse person myself. But I think it would really elevate this piece.
I especially like the following line(s):
"My walls are crumbling, I'm falling, falling through the darkness of my own mind, losing it all,..."
I've often felt this way. I think you've captured the essence of such a troubling scene well.
I think, overall, it's a good song and has a whole lot of potential. There are elements in it everyone can relate to. Keep on writing.
Elfin Dragon Image #2083210 over display limit. -?- Image #2098718 over display limit. -?-