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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elfindragon
Review Requests: ON
367 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
I love how you've put both title and imagery together in this poem. I can relate well to what both are saying. Most likely because I've been on both sides of the coin, as it were.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
The form, flow and rhythm might be a little better but the meaning is certainly brought through in the poem so it's easily glanced over. And since this is free verse, no rhyme is needed.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I think the word choice is good. The only think I might change is the order of the word choice. It might help with the form and flow of the poem which would help with the rhythm of the poem. But then I'm no true expert and this is only my opinion.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
I really liked the 6th stanza's beginning, "The wonderful Psalm flashed on my mind bringing solace to my fevered self." I think many of God's words often come to us like that. He reminds us that He's always near and gives us flashes of inspiration to keep us going in a world corrupted by evil.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
I do like how you've put this poem together with February's prompt. It's certainly an interesting verse to work around. A beautiful work of art. *Smile* Good luck in the contest.


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2
2
Review of Tipsy New Year  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
I loved both the title and the imagery of the poem. You knew what the poem was going to be about as you started reading about it. Great on this account.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
The poem flowed beautifully and there were no breaks with the flow and rhythm.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
Each word had purpose and meaning in this poem. And I saw no errors with the spelling and punctuation. A great job with this. *Smile*

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"until the sober sun dawns bright" -- I like this like because you bring the sun in upon the "tipsy" new year in an unexpected way. It's also a great way to break the course of the poem and change its direction from tipsy to hung over. lol.

Again, wonderful little poem. Good luck.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*




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3
3
Review of Surving Insanity  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
I was drawn to your title of "Surviving Insanity". Because I'm always seeming to do just that at times in my life and I wanted to hear what you had to say on the subject. The imagery you put forth was stunning.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
The poem with regards to all these was good with one exception. It really needs to have spaced stanzas. It's difficult to read in its current format and begs for greater pauses.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I think you've done an excellent job with your words, spelling, and punctuation. As mentioned though, with the pauses some separation for stanzas could be a welcome sight.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"In a medication-induced stupor That I was the definition Of the many labels"
This line rang true for me. I've been in this state of mind and had to have someone point it out to me. It's sometimes difficult to see things like this when you're inside it. I'm glad I had caring people show me what I was missing.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
I like the poem as a whole. It's very descriptive and in the end hopeful for a new way of life. I'm glad you shared this with us.



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4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
The title drew me in. I suppose because I've got insomnia and dreaming is often a luxury for me. I did also like the imagery of the poem as well. It showed throughout the poem.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
There's no real rhyme to the poem and other than a 4/5/4/5 lines for the stanzas, that just leaves the flow and rhythm of the poem. Both are pretty good, though just a bit choppy due to where the punctuation is. More on that next.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
Your word choice in this piece was great. It described everything you wanted the reader to see and fee. And there were no spelling errors that I could see. The punctuation seemed a bit weird to me at points. You have periods in the middle of lines instead of at the end of lines. This makes the poem feel more choppy than it needs to be.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"When soon he became bored, opened the door to set the driving winds of his mind screaming."
I like this line because it's often the way I feel when I become bored and can't think of something else to do. My mind is screaming for some stimulation.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
I enjoyed this poem very much. I think it shows what can happen if we don't follow at least one dream in our lives. We always need to keep striving for something new.



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5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
The title is what caught my eye immediately. Of course, I want to read something about Rasputin! *BigSmile* Who wouldn't? And what? He was framed? Please tell me more! And the imagery you give of his death is wonderful. Especially from his viewpoint.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
Not concerned about the form or rhyme of the poem, but the flow and rhythm could use a little tightening up. There are a few spots that are a little rough with the flow. The lines just need to be moved a bit to help with the flow. (a personal preference) Here's my suggestion, remember it's just that, a suggestion - it's still your poem
Dropnote


*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I believe I only say one spelling error in the poem and I highlighted it for you in the above dropnote. Otherwise, everything else is great.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"I shouldn't have listened to the talking snake."
I think I like this line because it applies to all of us. We too often listen to the "bad" side of us instead of the "good" side. I think this poem portrays that "bad" side very well.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
A great poem with wonderful overtones of what it would be like to be Rasputin in his final moments. Great use of words and descriptions.



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6
6
Review of Storms  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
The title draws the reader right into the poem, engaging them to read more. The imagery is great. I can hear the warning sirens and feel the weather the storm is churning. A great job here.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
Starting off with the first few lines I thought there was a great Rhythm and flow to the poem and almost a Rhyme going as well. But then the third and fourth stanzas broke the flow of the poem. Breaking up the stanzas to slightly shorter lines might help.
A suggestion only - you can probably think of something better -
Dropnote

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I love your word choice, the only exception (as you can see in the above suggestion) is the spelling of the word "cool" which I changed to cold. It's a word choice which is only because we generally say, "hot to cold".

The only other thing I'll mention here is with regards to punctuation. If you're going to use it in one place (at the end of a sentence), you need to use it throughout your poem. Ex: 2nd Stanza, line 4 - "I on the other hand do not." needs a comma before "on" and after "hand". I would suggest running your work through Grammarly or some other type of spellchecker. But it's a poet's prerogative to use or not punctuation.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"It's exhilarating to feel the strong winds" - I love wind, I think mostly because it reminds me of when my brother and I would go flying stunt kites. Strong winds were the best for that.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
A good poem which reminded me of several things at once. A good storm raging outside, kite flying, and parents telling me to come in out of the rain. Great imagery in your poem.



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7
7
Rated: E | (4.0)
Once upon a time there was a lonely dragon.
Everyday he would look at the stars and wonder if there were any other dragons in the world.
One day, While looking at the stars one fell not far from where he lived.
Because of that, he decided to fly over and see what the star looked like. All he had was curiosity as he flew closer and the light grew dimmer.
Until finally, he viewed the star in its crater and saw it was no light at all but another dragon. One who now looked back at him with caring eyes. The lonely dragon knew he would be lonely no more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
Your title and imagery were beautiful. I immediately knew what you wanted me to see with this poem.

*TeaO* Form/Flow/Rhythm & Rhyme:
With just 24 syllables you created a lovely flow which brought me to the Hawaiian Islands where Peli ruled. A beautiful yet strong force. Wonderful image.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
The only word which stood out was the word "an" before "homage". I believe you meant to say "a". I'm not sure if you're allowed to fix it before the contest is over but it's the only thing I saw.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
My favorite lines were:
"The rock to which I come home."
It's nice to have something special to come home to. Especially when that someplace has such history and beauty as the Hawaiian Islands do.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
I thought this poem was a great tribute to the Islands and, of course, the goddess Peli. It also brought a sense of nostalgia we all have for home. I enjoyed this poem a lot. Good luck in the contest.



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9
9
Review of The Messenger  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I love this story. It's a great tale for anyone having crisis of faith or even those just starting out in their walk with God.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems & Suggestions
As it's a long story..I might have seen very small grammatical errors but they were not enough to warrant any true remarks upon. I don't have any suggestions as I like how you've set up the story.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization is very well played here. I feel the main character in vivid technicolor. I like how you've intertwined her friends and God's messenger into the story. A wonderful world view of the story as a whole.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
This story is befitting even me at my time in life. I'm glad to have read it and have the verse of Isaiah 41:10 speak volumes to me. Thank you so much.

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10
10
Review of Soul Mates  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
You asked if the dialog were something a guy would say. I would say, yes...it is. I know my ex would say things like that all the time. *Smile* well, most of the time. I think most guys are soft-hearted and just don't want to admit it in public. So you've hit the nail on the head here. Especially with a 40 year anniversary.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
In the second paragraph after Lucky's "thoughts" you have him "wandering" instead of "wondering". I know small error but big difference in what he'd be doing. I'm pretty sure I didn't find any other glaring errors.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I liked the Characterization you've created and your world view. Very well thought out.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I actually don't have any suggestions. *BigSmile* A rarity for me.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I loved the story line and I especially loved the daughter calling at the end of the story. Nice touch.

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11
11
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Though I found this interesting and well thought out...to me this seems more like a flash fiction story than actual poem. There also seems a few inconsistencies in the piece.

"We stopped at the sound of the Frost Owl, unaware of its cry."....How can you be unaware of its cry when you just heard it?

"We realize the Frost Owl is above us.
As his cry echo's within the forest." .....When things echo, it's difficult to pinpoint where things are. So unless you look above you, how can you realize the owl is above you?

As I tell many people, I'm not an expert on poetry by any means. Please take my suggestions for what they are, just that. And also know I did find your piece enjoyable.
Elfin Dragon


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12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
This is a lovely story about your grandmother. It's always nice to remember those we love.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
I can tell this piece was written when you were much younger. There are several grammatical errors which include using the word (that) too much, not spelling out small numbers, missing commas, and a few other errors.

This piece could definitely do with a re-write. I'm surprised you didn't do it before posting it when you found it.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I like the characterization and world view. It's a wonderful look into the past of grandmother and what you love most. For me, the games we played were often chess, spades, Yahtzee, scrabble and UNO. I think my grandparents always insisted on us kids learning while we played. LOL.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I think my only suggestion with this is to perhaps take the time to do a re-write with this piece. I'm not sure if it will make the piece shorter or longer. I say this because though you may delete words, you may find yourself adding things you've forgotten about which you want to add to the piece.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
Again a wonderful tale you've shared and I'm glad to hear such a tale. I think we all need such things in our lives. *Smile* keep writing.

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13
13
for entry "Spring Snow
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*

*Note: This poem was above mine when I Posted in "The Dew Drop Inn" for NaPoWriMo. I found it interesting and beautiful.

*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
The title reminds me of when I lived (briefly) back in Oklahoma and even more Eastern States. Although even here in Arizona we have the results of Spring Thaw to look forward to. *Smile* Both the title and imagery go well together.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
The form and rhyme are well thought out. There is only one place where the rhyme falters. That's in the 4th stanza. "Within & Warm" do not rhyme as your other ending words for your other stanzas do.

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
The flow and rhythm are also well thought out. But again with the 4th stanza it seems to stumble a bit in that 3rd verse. Perhaps if you took out the "are we" and just left it as 'Watching safe from within"? (Only a suggestion)

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
I love the style and tone of the poem. As I mentioned it reminds me very much of watching snow fall and also of what happens as the Spring Thaw begins. A very well imagined poem with great imagery.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
Great word choice - and no spelling errors or punctuation problems which I can tell. At least other than I've already noted. Great Job.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"Branches laden with globs of white,
Struggling, remain strongly upright"

These two verses bring winter storms straight to mind for me, and what it looks like when I go outside, also what to be wary of.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
A beautiful poem about winter, spring storms, and spring thaw as well. I keep going back to re-read this poem. Wonderful job.


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14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
This is a well thought out story about a part in the storyteller's life.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
The only grammatical problems I see here are perhaps the word choices in the story. Some are perhaps a bit overzealous in their usage and smaller words (or different) could be used. I'll get into this more in "Suggestions".

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view is fairly good here. They are consistent with the story itself. However, I'm not sure what the story you told has to do with the Title of the story. Your description states it's the story of your year-long stay at the Salvation Army ARC. However, you begin (and tell) the story of getting into Grady ER. Only touching on your stay at the Salvation Army ARC. A different description for your story may be warranted.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I mentioned you using a wide variety of overzealous words which could either be eliminated or changed. Here are my suggestions, you may do with them what you will....
Dropnote

One last suggestion. The story seems to just leave off and makes me wonder what happens next. A follow-up would be wonderful.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As I mentioned, my suggestions are just that and you may do with them what you will. I did find the story interesting, especially since a couple members of my own family have been through such a process. They may not have been down to such a degree as yours but they have been through the hospital aspect. Keep on writing.

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15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I enjoy the sort of pun between the title and what the "Accident Instructor" is teaching. Gives me a great laugh.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There are none that I can see. Great writing job.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
I love both the character and the world you've placed him in. The classroom environment makes me wonder if "Murphy's Curse" is in effect just in the classroom or for individual people taking the class.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I don't know if you have a continuation of this story but I would love to see one. If fact I would love to see an entire novel for this short piece. *Smile* Not just a class which covers "Murphy's Curse" but perhaps other strange classes as well. Just a thought.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As mentioned, I love the idea of this story and the character. It's great that he thinks fast and compensates for it quickly. I do hope to see more of this ingenious story.

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16
16
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
The title and imagery to this poem are wonderful. Also the description gives a hint of wonder to the reader without giving anything away. I love that.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
The form and rhyme were great. I've certainly no complaint. *Smile*

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
You've got a great eye for the flow and rhythm for a poem. I read it straight through without any problems enjoying every moment.

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
Your style and tone shine through in this poem. Well done.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I'm glad you provided the meaning to some of the Indian words. It helped for a clearer picture of the poem. There are a couple things I do wonder about with the words though....

"Listen, dear shrotao"....If "shrotao" means listener, would a word like "Hear" or "Hark" be more appropriate instead of "Listen"? I only ask because it would be like using the same word twice in the same sentence.

"The heat was hot – sweltering"...for me this is a lot of redundancy. Heat will always be hot but there are degrees of hot. So, you could leave it at "The heat was sweltering" and still keep the essence of you poem. But this is only a suggestion.

"And Nani was saying – “You were the bsst"....I think you can probably see what I see here. The last word is misspelled.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"Remember – NO pin on pallu,
No pin on pleat
High heels on reluctant feet."

I love that you remind the reader of this fact. It brings home the idea of what happens in the end and why.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
A wonderful poem of an embarrassing incident. I think it's sometimes hard for us to write of things which happen to us like this. You made it real to not just yourself but the reader as well. Wonderful job.



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17
17
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*

I found this on the "Noticing Newbies/Review A Newbie" Page...I'm using my poetry review format because songs are like poetry. *Smile*

*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
You obviously have a purpose with both the title and imagery of the song. With this regard, I think you've accomplished the purpose.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
You don't really have a form here as it's written in one paragraph and I also can't seem to pick out any rhyme form.

For my own personal view, I think it might have been better if you broke up the song into verses/stanzas. Both for easier reading and to make it a complete song. A suggestion might be something like this....
Linked 'Note' no longer available.
You know my secrets,
you know what I crave,
what I love,
but do you know my pain?

Do you know what I go through every day?

My walls are crumbling,
I'm fallllling,
fallllling through the darkness of my own mind,
losing it all,
do you know what it's like?

To be falllling into the darkness of the unknown,
not knowing where your going
or if you’ll ever be okay.

The pain is apart Of you,
it makes your mind a cloudless landscape
filled with worry, fear, doubt
and above all a loneliness that can never be filled.

That's why I'm Fallllllllllllllllllling into the darkness

like a never ending lope.
Falling into the unknown.
Fallllllling into the never ending darkness,
will I ever leave?

Fallllllling,
fallllling,
fallllling into darrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkneessssssss.

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
It's difficult to judge the flow and rhythm of this song. There are places that flow easily and others which are a little tough to follow. I think some of it is just the word choice.

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
You do have your own definite style and tone with this song. It comes out very clearly and I like it.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
There are a few things with word choice and spelling errors which could be corrected. For me, personally, the elongated words could be eliminated. Or more precisely, reduced. Just say "falling" or "darkness". I do understand that in music the words would sound longer and you want to portray that in here. But for me it's distracting as a reader. Even on a music page the most you would see is..."Fall - ing" to denote the word follows the number of notes. You might want to consider it when writing songs.

There were also a couple of spelling errors.

In the sentence..."...not knowing where your going..." the highlighted word should be "You're" or "You are".

In the sentence..."The pain is apart Of you," the highlighted word should be "a part".

In the sentence..."...like a never ending lope...." the highlighted word should most likely be "Slope".

The last thing I'll suggest regarding word choice is to look over this again and perhaps come up with some rhyming words for the song. I know it can be tough, I'm a free verse person myself. But I think it would really elevate this piece.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"My walls are crumbling, I'm falling, falling through the darkness of my own mind, losing it all,..."

I've often felt this way. I think you've captured the essence of such a troubling scene well.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
I think, overall, it's a good song and has a whole lot of potential. There are elements in it everyone can relate to. Keep on writing. *Smile*


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18
18
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
Both title and imagery are interesting. I found them to be transcending in several places.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
As I'm terrible with knowing specific forms, all I know is the poem has a good form and the rhyme was great.

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
There was only one place where the flow of the poem was interrupted for me and it had to do with your choice of words. (I'll get to that). The rhythm of the poem was pretty good as well.

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
I liked your style and tone for the poem. Very unique.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
The word choice which had me stumbling was in the second stanza, third line. You used the word "Heave", where I think you meant to use "Heav'n". It would certainly be hard to speed towards a Heave (or maybe not).

I'm a little confused by the "given new gills and fins" but then it's been a long week for me. *Smile*

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"Giving praise to God for my salvation"

I've always enjoyed giving God praise for things in my life. This phrase has a lot of meaning for me.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
A good poem with a lot of meaning for whomever reads it. I think you've done a good jobe with it. I'm still trying to figure out what to write. Good luck with the contest.



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19
19
Review of The March  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*

I Found this poem on the Review Page. And since I love animals I thought I'd read it.

*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
In truth the title and the imagery were not what I thought the poem was going to be about. You surprised me with the bleak destruction of the penguins. It was very vivid.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
I thought the form of the poem could be a bit better. Where you have breaks you could change it to an extra line instead of using a comma. ie...
"A waddle of Emperors
huddled against Arctic ice."
You could also keep the comma and use this format as well. This is mostly a personal preference of mine and only a suggestion.

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
Flow and rhythm is a bit st stuttered. Since you use several words more than once and in succession it gives the poem a staccato feel to it. I'm not sure if that was your intention or not.

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
Your style and tone do show through the poem. It's easy to see that you have a message you want the reader to hear as you're writing it.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I did have to stop and look up a word because I didn't know it - "Kalashnikov-fire" I wasn't sure what you meant, thus having to look it up. You may want to change it to "machine-gun fire" or a similar phrase which most people will immediately recognize.

With regards to the staccato feel - By taking out the extra, double, word(s) you can make the poem flow more smoothly. ie....
"Moving their slow majestic beaks."

Instead of repeating "On they trudge" you could find a different verbiage for how they are walking.

Also, in the last stanza. I get why you want to repeat the "onward, onward, forward" But it's a bit much. Some different verbiage would help here as well.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"A waddle of Emperors, huddled against Arctic ice."
I could see the penguins huddled together on the ice. A good opening line for the poem.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
I do think this is a good poem. It opens eyes to those who don't know penguins might be slaughtered wholesale. Also remember that any suggestions I've made are just that and you may do with them what you wish. *Smile* Happy writing.


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20
20
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
Though I often think of Cardinals as a "Winter" bird, I still enjoyed the title and the imagery you put to this poem. Especially since I often suffer from a varied assortment of allergies myself.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
I loved the form and rhyme of this poem. It is easy on the eyes and even easier to read. One of these days I'll figure out how to make such beautiful rhymes. *Smile*

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
I also love the flow and rhythm of this poem. It helps remind me of the spring you speak so eloquently of.

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
As always, your style and tone come out in the poem.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I did have to stop a brief moment at the end of the second stanza with "'hind faucet I do hide". But after I realized it was because you were pouring a glass to take your pills my silly brain went "ah ha".

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"The bumblebees in oldish pants,
They look like Santa Claus,"

Thanks for making me smile. *Smile*

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
A wonderful spring poem which made me smile and laugh at the antics of birds and ourselves to boot.


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21
21
Review of Know Thine Enemy  
for entry "Chapter 5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I like the war points and sound to "General Quarters". You defenitinately hit the high points with this chapter.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
A few spelling errors as you start "Another Prayer" chapter.
In the first sentence, you misspell Commander Shay's name (you miss the "H")

In this sentence....
"Captain, I han a Lazar com set up. I will use it as well as standard EM communication."
         I think you can see you've misspelled "Have"

In the next sentence, you miss the ending quotations.

This particular sentence you used one word in two different ways. However, you misspelled it the second time. ....
Waters looked at his display. "Well, sir. They were no longer bleeding atmosphere. But that could be because they repaired the breach, or the atmosphere just bleed out.

The second "bleed" should be "Bled"


*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
You've kept the characterization spot on with the different voices on the bridge. I like how you've used each different character to tell the story in this chapter. A good use for this world view.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Simply remember to re-read the chapters for those hard to catch errors.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I know it's been some time since I've reviewed But I'm hoping to catch up on this wonderful tale. I'm certainly learning a lot on how to write a pure science fiction tale. Keep up the good job.

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22
22
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
The poem is very descriptive and I like the images you've made.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There aren't really any grammatical problems which cause me to stop reading at any point.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The poem flows well and things are in a well-defined order. The only thing wich threw me for a moment was that you had the Clouds colliding first before the mother at the beach. But that's just a personal frame of mind for me.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
My only suggestion would be to break the poem up into stanzas for an easier read.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
As mentioned before a well-written poem and I liked the ending. It's certainly a different way to view the image of lightning in stone.

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23
23
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I think the poem went very well with the prompt and was written well too. I enjoyed an unexpected twist.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There were no grammatical problems I could see, nor tripped me up.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
The characterization and world view of the poem was very good and went with the prompt of the contest.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
I only have one suggestion. It is with regards to the format. I'm not sure if you meant to have the second half of your poem strung together, but it is a bit distracting. I can see where pauses are meant to be and (personally) it would be great to see those if you put them into stanzas.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
On the whole a well written poem and I enjoyed the story told within it. A good effort for the Dark Dreamscapes Contest and I wish you luck

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24
24
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*Leaf2g* Good Points:
I wasn't sure where this was going but it became clear quickly. I think all of us have been at this end where we tell them something we've done and give them an idea.

*Leaf2r* Grammatical Problems?
There are obviously a few extra "that's" which could be eliminated or changed to different verbiage. And I have problems with the first sentence. It's very odd and keeps making me read it over.

I believe if you shorten the first half into its own sentence, ie "Sometimes as adults we can be like children." Then with the second sentence..."When telling an interesting or exciting story, we relish the Ooh's and Awes' heaped upon us."

The reason I would change the second sentence is because "relishing" and "luxuriating" are very similar. And also to change the pronoun to make it sound more personable like you're in there with the reader.

*Leaf2o* Overall Characterization and World View:
Since it's you telling the story, you do a good job with keeping with the telling of the story - both the amusement and the almost shock factor of it.

*Leaf2br* Suggestions:
Only to read over it one more time for the extra "that's" and some of the odd wording.

*Yinyang* Last but not Least:*BigSmile*
I love the way you leave this story hanging. *Smile* I'm left wondering how on earth your son managed to print $100 bills. Certainly a reason to read another one of your "What not to tell your kids" stories.

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25
25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself. *Smile*


*TeaB* Title & Imagery:
I'm not sure how the title fits with the imagery of the poem other than perhaps the death of the one person. But for me, it doesn't quite fit the entirety of the poem.

*TeaR* Form/Rhyme:
I can see the rhyme in the poem, however, the form is a bit awkward. For easier reading, it might be better to make a new paragraph after the end of each sentence. Like this....
"Dedicating this poem, isn't as hard as it seems.
It's for a 16 year old girl who lost all her dreams."

*TeaO* Flow/Rhythm:
For me, the poem is a bit too wordy and as such loses some of the flow and rhythm in some of the verses.

*TeaV* Style/Tone:
I do like your style and tone throughout the poem. It's easy to recognize as yours and the sad undertone is what flows easily.

*TeaBr* Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
As I mentioned earlier; for me the poem is a bit too wordy and could use some fine-tuning. Other than that the spelling and punctuation is just fine.

*TeaP* I especially like the following line(s):
"To create a precious life, is such a difficult game. Having it taken away and destroyed, is such a horrible shame."

I think this sentence embodies what you're trying to say for the whole poem.

*Yinyang* Overall:*BigSmile*
The poem itself is poinant. Though a bit of editing might make it more so.
Remember any of my suggestions are just that and you may do with them what you will. I'm not an expert in poetry by any means.



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