Dawn Embers's (elfmage7) Reviews

Public Reviews

226

226

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#4319501

Review of With Map in Hand  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)

Given:   Apr 25, 2017 at 12:56am

Length:   2,751 Characters | 2,677 w/o WritingML

Hello Detective . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the image based prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site. First Impression: A good start with character and the potential for things to happen. Just need more. Maybe get more into the character's head, show things from her pov and have some interaction with another character. That might help build further and add to the situation at hand. Prompt: The prompt is one that's easy to see though at times images can be a challenge in creating conflict/story. The contest prompt had potential and at least made it simple to tell whether it was used at all for the story you posted. What you provided works enough to qualify for the contest but could have really used more development to stand a better chance to place. Story Thoughts: As stated above; its a start but doesn't have a complete story feel to it even though we do get somewhere within the three paragraphs provided. It has an idea, a spark, but for a story contest for me, I need to see something more and there was space available since you weren't near the 2,000 word limit of the contest. I'm usually the opposite, often going over and having to cut. You've got room at least when it comes to word count in order to expand pretty much everything within the short bit of flash fiction produced here. Could possibly look up some writing exercises on show versus tell, in relation to how this particular one is written. It does have that more, tell approach. The paragraph say what is happening to her but we're not really in her pov enough to see what is going on or feel as much of a connection as could be developed with different writing skills used for the story telling. Just an idea to consider for working on the stylistic aspects of the writing. Final Comments: Put more into the story if it's something that you want to explore. It may be not enough of an interest, the character might not draw you and you could have just done it to try and enter the contest. That's fine too but if those aren't the case, maybe take the character and do some exploring by writing different parts based from what you have thus far. See where the MC leads you and what story can develop from there. Could develop into something quite interesting. Depends on where you take it. Thank you for entering the site official contest. Hope you enjoyed writing the item and using the image prompt. It was a tough round and decision for us all and we appreciated getting to read all of the entries. Keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4319488

Review of The Treasure Map  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Apr 25, 2017 at 12:30am

Length:   2,647 Characters | 2,564 w/o WritingML

Hello Christopher Roy Denton . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the image based prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I sometimes review for on the site. First Impression: Nice approach to the story. It's not always easy to create something interesting from some of the image based prompts, from my experience both entering and judging for these contests. The character caught my attention from the start too. Prompt: This works quite well with the given image prompt. The girl involved and the map bring about the picture and were easy to see as the judge/reader in how the prompt influenced the creation of the story, which is appreciated. I do appreciate being able to see a prompt within a story for contests like this even though sometimes an image can be difficult to incorporate in interesting enough ways. Story Thoughts: Nicely done with the contest entry. It's not quite what I expected given the start of the story but not in the didn't work kind of way but more in a hmm, interesting result that I wouldn't quite have been able to guess on my own. Not what I saw in the prompt and yet makes sense. The only struggle I had with the story in general is that during the middle, with the drinking and right after when we get the two girls going out on the adventure, I had a little bit of a struggle distinguishing between the characters. Was easy to mix them up and their voiced started to have a similar ring to them. They were interesting at least. Other Notes and Suggestions: These are some of the minor points that caught my attention as the reader. Overall, the story is well written and created for the contest. It was a tough round and decision for us all and we appreciated getting to read all of the entries. Near the very end, the l-l-l- thing worked for me but I would have cut out the "d-don't" one as it's not as effective in that part. Also, on this one part of the end, from a technical stand point, would have gotten rid of the - because it's more of a comma situation, for me. (“You see”—he licked his lips—“there's) That just needs the comma and space as it's dialogue with a little action during it. At least, that's how it seems to me. Though the overall aspect of the line works as the ending, giving it that slightly unexpected yet not too out of range result for the story. Hope you enjoyed the challenge of the contest and the use of the image prompt as inspiration. Keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

228

228

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#4294151

Review of A Change of Plans  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 21, 2017 at 9:24pm

Length:   2,667 Characters | 2,607 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: It was a nice approach to the prompt with a story that shows someone different who might be able to fill Santa's shoes. There is potential while in general being a well done and finished story based on the prompt from the contest entered. Title: The title works for the story and has a little appeal with it showing that something is going to happen that is a change. The description helps too as that tells us to expect Santa and who might take over. It is helpful and might create some interest from a reader for them to check out the piece. Prompt: The story had some specific requirements from the contest with the obvious expectations involved that the story has Santa not able to take part in Christmas and someone who takes over the role. It had to have an emphasis on character since it's for What a Character. Story Notes: A nice approach overall with the story. There is some development of the characters, which is good to see along with an interesting approach in having Santa have a boy and a girl who take over his role. The only downside to this approach/interpretation when it comes to character is that it doesn't go as strongly into one viewpoint or another. We get a little jumpy instead of having that focus, which both helps and hinders. This way we see some from Santa and also from the children in what is going to happen but at the same time, that limits how close of a view we get with the children. Not bad or anything, but I do like a bit of a more specific focus on a single character for shorter fiction or in specific scenes, as my own personal preference. The story is well written but with some room for improvement when it comes to the technical side. A quick edit would do some help fix up some very minor things. Like some typos as those happen for us all as writers including common issues like the words that are similar, including there and their. Also, a few times there are some paragraphs that don't have a space to separate them while the rest of the story does have that space. It helps to be consistent and it really does make it easier on the reader for online to have that little space between each paragraph. Nice work with the story and thank you for entering the contest. I hope you had fun. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

229

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#4293845

Review of How Mrs. Claus Saves Christmas  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jan 21, 2017 at 3:08am

Length:   2,706 Characters | 2,645 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: It is a nice approach to the prompt and character. There were some fun elements in particular, which is good to see considering the fact that it's a rather iconic set of character with the focus being Mrs Claus, who is known but not quite at the same level as her husband. While one of the more obvious choices based on the prompt, I think you did well with giving the main character an interesting identity and coming up with something for the reader to enjoy. Title: The title is nice in that if someone is looking for a Christmas related story, they know that is something they will find in this particular static item. It is a little obvious in that it says who is going to save the day but that can be both help or hinder, depending on who might be considering reading the story. The description gives a little more details and I liked the ending part of that with the link to the title and the word choices. Prompt: The prompt is specific in the requirements expected and that made it easy for the judges and readers to see when they were followed. For story, there had to be an issue with Santa Claus so that he can't do his normal Christmas job and someone needs to save the day. There had to be an emphasis on character too since it was for the What a Character contest. For these points, you succeeded and it was easy to find them within the story and the title/description. Story Notes: You did a nice job with this story in the plot, character and the technical side. While the problem created that gets in the way isn't the most dynamic, it's also rather realistic. And the characters are really what make the story, which is a good approach for this particular contest. There weren't any particular aspects of the item that stood out in regards to the technical side of the writing. It's well done. I like the dynamics you created between Mr and Mrs Claus. They are realistic even if some of the things are a little stereotypical considering Santa's known diet and some married couple interactions that have been done a number of times before. However, it didn't really harm the reading of the story because in this case, the interactions and comments worked. Nice work overall with the story and I hope you enjoyed writing for the contest. Thank you for the entry. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293710

Review of Santa's Missing Christmas Tree  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 3:00pm

Length:   3,068 Characters | 3,008 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: Nice work in creating something for the contest. It made me curious about the poem since that gets mentioned in the description of the item. I wonder if the poem is as character and out there as the story was from the very start. There are some things that didn't work for me but there were also a couple of them that I tend not to lean towards but could appreciate your usage in those elements brought to the contest entry. Title: The title is interesting because it brings up questions. It tells us something of what to expect while the description gives information the reader wouldn't have known otherwise but didn't provide any other details for what the reader might expect. Prompt: The prompt is easy to see in many cases because it provided a distinct expectation. We needed simply to have Santa not able to do the job because of some problem and someone to solve the problem with a focus on character. You definitely have Santa and a problem with Rudolph along with a team effort coming together in order to save the day. Story Notes: It's an interesting approach with what you had to work with in the challenge of the official contest for the month. It does good things in creating the conflict, showing things happening and one can definitely say they noticed the characters when reading the item. While I liked the general idea of the story and characters shown, I do have to say that I was a little confused. I felt like I was missing a key bit of information to tell what the big deal was over the trees. While, I know trees are big decorations points, I didn't know what was special about this tree or why Rudolph would be in such of a panic because I don't have that bit of information or I somehow missed it in the different times I looked over the story. The very beginning and some of the dialogue was a bit of a miss for me. I get what you're trying to do with Rudolph and creating the drama but having the noises as dialogue as the very starting point, it came off a tad rough. I'm not a fan of exclamation marks used within most stories and the sniff one in particular, throws me off. However, while I don't care for all caps used for words, in many ways it worked this time around and partly because it is limited and not entire, long sentences. And it's the same with the bold. Not a fan of making sections stand out in that form but for this case, it worked. Granted, a little editing would help on the technical side, yet it's still working with the potential for more. I hope that you enjoyed creating this story and the development it took to go from the poem to the longer item. Thank you for the contest entry. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293709

Review of Delivery Man  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 2:56pm

Length:   3,197 Characters | 3,143 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: I liked the story you pulled together for this contest. You have brought in a few different elements to the story, little moments or influences while still making an original tale about Santa having to rely on his brother to deliver the presents. Little things like the joke about a woman kissing Santa from a song was a nice touch. And I liked the reference to Krampus as well. Title: The title is nice because it's not overly obvious to what we can expect from the story. It doesn't tell me the big problem or who is saving the day, but it does show some element of the story with the description to show more about what is found withing to entice the reader. Prompt:{/b The prompt was nice and easy in a way because it provided both the scenario and focus while still allowing interpretation. Requirements were easy for the reader to find within the stories too since we just needed to have a problem get in the way for Santa so that someone has to step up to save the day. For the contest, character had to be an emphasis and we got to see that with your delivery man along with a bit from Santa, who is quite a character for sure when written into a story. Story Notes: Overall a nice work with the creation of this story. It has some interesting elements for sure that all caught my attention. While some points were cute and fun, making me think but not throwing me off, I will admit one of the little moments brought about a little doubt from me. Even with magic and such, it sounded a little odd for Santa to say they had never made a mistake in sixteen hundred years. That created a break in the suspension of belief for just a second. Technical and personal opinion aspect for this story involves some of the dialogue and punctuation choices. Not to say that any of this was wrong but it's something that is not within my personal preference and I'm bringing them up for your consideration. And one of those types within this item for me was the use of the exclamation mark. While it's okay to have them, for me, that particular one is best to use in limited fashion because the more it's used, the less impact it starts to have. And you have over 15 in the bottom half of the story and yes, I counted. They could be trimmed down in edit, which will help as that way the ones left in have the better impact. While some of these aspects are part of what created the character, it also almost pushed them too far in terms of the dialogue and approach. It's not bad but sometimes have to watch how we do the characters in stories that are so iconic, like ones involving Santa, so that it doesn't become overdone. But it still worked in many ways and gave us something creative to read. Thank you for entering the contest and I hope you enjoyed creating this story. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293704

Review of Stepping Up  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 2:44pm

Length:   3,025 Characters | 2,965 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: Nice work in general with the story you created for the contest. It's a fun little story to show how things can improve even with a bad situation. We get that something happens to Santa, who is quite an iconic character, and the digital approach in solving that problem made for an interesting choice. The doubter elf too made for a different character and helped balance the story while also showing development as the solution sort of proves him wrong. Title: The title is nice because it does provide some information without being overly obvious in what is about to happen. I liked that the title didn't mention Santa and instead that was left for the description portion, where it fits well as we need that little bit of information but not too much is provided. Just want to gain interest so the reader wants to find out more, which isn't always an easy balance to create. Prompt: The prompt wasn't too difficult to interpret for this round of What a Character. It had to involve a situation where Santa couldn't follow his duties for the event along with some character focus. This story does fit within those requirements and expectations. Story Notes: Nice job overall. The writing is fairly well done and not too many technical notes that would cause distraction for the reader. While there are a couple of points that I noticed as the judge/reader, it still was a fun little piece to read. There are a couple of points that did catch my attention. I had a little confusion over the timeline when it came to the ending of the story. The line about waiting for Christmas morning is amusing, but I also had to stop and wonder because of it. If Christmas was saved then wouldn't it already be morning? I did like the line even if it created a little bit of confusion. And the reference to not making video games at first was believable but then having the elves have computers and work on facebook, that made me wonder why they wouldn't be able to do video games and such. On the side of personal preference, there is also the font that came to mind as a slight distraction. I don't mind having the story bold to make it a little easier for some to read as the fonts look different depending on a few factors. However, I had a little bit of a distraction when I noticed the color seemed a little off. Is it green? It's close to the usual black but off a little and for me, that's not something I care too much for in stories and poems, in particular ones entered in contests. Either way, nice work with the story and I hope you had fun creating this for the contest. Thank you for the entry. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4293698

Review of Coming Home, Across The World  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 2:22pm

Length:   3,649 Characters | 3,591 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: I like the idea of the sort of underdog type of character being the one to save the day. You picked someone original too in the choice of character. Sure there are many renditions of Santa Claus and you could have chosen someone people have heard about but instead focused on showing an unexpected, unknown character to try and save the day. It had a good direction and potential but lost it a little for me within the execution. Title: The title of the story is a little different in that it doesn't out right state what is going on in the story. It doesn't mention Christmas while still having a little hint to the holidays with the around the world aspect or who is saving the day, which is kind of nice to have something else for the title while using the description spot to let the reader know some things to expect. Prompt: The prompt is not too difficult to interpret because they expect the story to involve Santa not being able to fulfill the job of giving out presents on Christmas. There has to be a focus on character since the contest this month is What a Character. For those requirements, the story does fit with having the one man offer to take on the job when Santa is sick. Story Notes: Overall, the story had a good plotline with the interesting element of the little girl, playing on the what if a child wasn't asleep as they are supposed to be. You gave him something to do that was sort of against the rules but in a way that we want to root for him. Character wise, things were getting there but it was a little rough at first because we get the people who think he can't. That does the point in bringing out the underdog aspect, however, it also made a bit of a distance that give a little struggle as we need to want to like the character and their story. Not bad but something that adds a little complication for some readers in how they will want to continue to read to see if he can do the task or not. On the technical side, the story does need a little work with the spacing of paragraphs. Some of the paragraphs had the space between them but other parts of the story didn't have the same amount of space. Take the very last paragraphs in the story for an example. What is sort of the very last paragraph could be two because it's missing a space between them. There I mean after "And He was willing to help John" and before "When John got back to the North Pole..." for the spacing of paragraphs. That is one section of about 5 within the story. For viewing on WDC, my personal preference is to have the very top of the static item be the story and not many other things. We can get prompt information and word count at the very end as they are good to have but not the focus or main point for the reader to be viewing the item here. There is a little too much space at the top pushing the focus down a little. Those are a more personal preference but something to maybe consider with items for some contests on here. The appearance of the words and paragraphs does help the reader and with posting, that is something to think about overall aside from just sharing the story and character with them. Nice work and I hope you enjoyed writing this story. Thank you for entering the contest. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4293662

Review of Santa-napped  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 1:58pm

Length:   3,278 Characters | 3,220 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: An interesting little story about what happens if someone decides to take Santa hostage. It was a decent approach to the prompt provided by the contest with some noteable figures involved. This contest did have some big shoes to fill considering the prompt had ot involve the iconic characters including Santa Claus and you decided to include a couple more, such as the Grinch. While it had some fun elements with those decision, a little bit of it also came off a little too much already done from other stories. Title: This title is straight forward in telling what is going to happen in the story. The description is nice in that it let's the potential reader know that it was made for the contest in particular. However, later it might help to write something about the story to entice them to check out the static item if you keep it in your port. Prompt: The prompt is somewhat specific because it has the requirement of something keeping Santa from following his duties for Christmas. Also, because it's the What a Character contest, there is the requirement for an emphasis on character. The story does meet the prompt expectations as it involves Santa getting taken away in an attempt to ruin Christmas. Story Notes: Nice work, in general, with the creation of this story based on the particular contest and prompt. Nothing too much was noticeable on the technical side aside from one minor point. It was well written overall. For the technical point to consider, I would suggest looking up "saidisms" and options for trimming down on them within the story. For a very short word limit in particular, you don't want to do the different forms of "said" for a large portion of the dialogue. There are ways to incorporate actions and such within the paragraph of the dialogue without having to tell the reader that the person is saying things. The quotation marks help facilitate that fact as well, so sometimes you can get away without having any of the typical options like: declared, asked, stated, replied, etc. Story wise, I have to admit that the Grinch felt a little less creative for the antagonist to me. In his story, he already has had his heart grow big as he returned the gifts to those in Who-ville, so it has been seen before. The ending follows a similar format to his story, which I can see the reasoning for that approach and has some merit but at the same time also lends to the less original feeling overall. The end also came a little too easy. The word count limit may have influenced the factor but there didn't seem to be that much of a fight, which isn't quite as interesting for the reader because we want there to be a challenge and that little question of what if they fail to exist. Still, nice work in the creation of this story. I hope you enjoyed coming up with this piece and thank you for entering the contest. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293655

Review of Elf Team Six  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 1:38pm

Length:   3,817 Characters | 3,758 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: A fun approach with a different interpretation of the rather iconic Santa and his elves. While some chose the have a replacement, this one was interesting because it focused on rescuing Santa from a danger so he can return to his job by Christmas. Frostbite was also a decent choice in character as it's something believable but also shows some levels of creativity to bring about him as the antagonist. Title: The title is interesting because it doesn't specifically say what is going on in the story. It's not too out there and open, which can be appreciated. Though knowing the prompt, it does imply enough that we have something going on with who will save Christmas. However, those seeing it not in relation to the contest might be interested in what an elf team might involve (except the random ones who don't like elves but that is their loss). The description is different. What I liked about it was you tried to get the reader's attention, which is the goal of that spot on the static item. You say what the story is about to a degree without giving it away. That is good. However, I'm not sure if trying to say what the reader will feel or pointing out the level of humor to expect ended up working in favor of the story. While I found it had funny moments, it didn't come off as hilarious to me. So, while a nice idea it almost sets up the expectations too high and makes the reader maybe notice something or have less of an impact created because of that mark brought up before they have read the story. Prompt: The prompt is somewhat straight forward. The story has to involve the situation of Santa not being able to do his job and the writer can come up with their reason as to what caused this conflict. Also, since it is the What a Character contest instead of the other officials, there has to be an emphasis on the characters. For that, you did well because we get the prompt (Santa is kidnapped) and who is trying to save the day, even with this one being them saving Santa and not taking his place in the giving out toys job. Story Notes: It was a nice approach overall and use of the elves in the adventure of the day/story. You have a decent writing style and it's easy enough to read and understand what is going on during the different sections. One of the main issues that I come across is something I deal with when I try to enter these all of the time and it's trying to fit a story within the limited word count. It's challenging to get a short story done with a dynamic plot and characters plus adding the different points of view creates more of a challenge. In the end it feels like there needs to be more room for the different scenes to really show the reader what is going on along with showcasing the several characters involved. While I can see some of the humor attempts there are a couple of points that didn't work for me. The Professor Doodyhead lines fell flat for me in particular. For me, it was a little too childish and it seemed random. Instead, they could have found a mocking name that related more to frost that could have been still funny but a little more clever in the approach. Because of this while there is a little humor, the story doesn't reach the "hilarious" expectation that is provided by the story description. Nice work. I hope you enjoyed coming up with this little escapade for the elves. Thank you for entering the contest. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293653

Review of Stepping up for Santa  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 1:31pm

Length:   2,939 Characters | 2,880 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: Nice approach. There were fun elements to the story from in part, the prompt, the creation of character and the little bonus WDC aspects found within. It had some fun elements along with doing what the prompt required even though some aspects of character had some struggle aspects that I'll get to within the review. Title: The title is very specific in connection with the prompt for the contest. Along with the description, it's pretty easy for the reader to know what they are going to find in the story as to what it is about overall. It doesn't scream who will take the role but it does tell the reader that something is going on with Christmas and they might want to read to find out. Prompt: The prompt is pretty straightforward in that character is important and the story has to involve Santa not being able to take his role on Christmas. Had to focus on that situation but with the contest being What a Character instead of the other official ones, the focus too had to incorporate character, mostly the one taking over the challenge to save Christmas. To that extent, you did well with following the prompt and showcasing character. Story Notes: Interesting character development and choice with focusing on Mrs. Claus in this one. While not the only one to decide on that approach, makes sense considering the basic prompt everyone had to follow, the way you show her is going to stand out in comparison to others, which is important for What a Character contest. I'm one who actually knows some of the angel army members used within the story. Though with them being other moderators, a few of us should know them. It is helpful to some degree because it adds a personal, playfulness to the story. However, when I see Sapph in a story, I expect a little more from that one in particular. He is quite a specific type of character and just a line about soup is not going to be enough if putting him into the story. At least, for those of us that know who is being added. While it was fun to have angels in the story, I did sort of wonder about why there were there. Mostly, with Santa, we think of elves more than anything else, so we kind of expect them more as a reader. Without any link or connection shown to the WDC group that it seems were combined in order to make the story, it can come off a little out of place. But overall it was a nice approach and since we are on WDC, kind of a fun way to put together a story for a site contest. Hope you enjoyed writing it and thank you for entering. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293652

Review of Termination of Employment  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 1:29pm

Length:   3,055 Characters | 2,996 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: A different approach in story and interpretation of the prompt with the addition of a more sci-fi element to the characters. While many went with the more approach of having something happen to Santa Clause to get in the way, having to admit retirement or something of that nature, going with a sort of pink slip approach does provide a different view on the prompt. Title: The title is straight forward in giving the reader an idea where they story would lead since it is about Father Christmas getting a termination. That is the focus of the entire story so it's no surprise but does have a little something that might peek a reader's interest once they see the description as they will wonder how Santa could have that come up at all. Prompt: The prompt is pretty specific and easy to focus on in the story since you had to write something showing character where Santa was not able to follow his duties one year. You do that in the story to a degree with the different take of having the cyborg be the one coming off as someone who was supposed to take his place. Story Notes: As stated above, it creates an interesting story based around the prompt with the aspect of termination and bringing in the cyborg type of character. I don't write much in the sci-fi range but do have some interest in stories that use those elements as a reader. The only struggle with the approach in how this story goes is that while the ending really gives the reader something they want, it was a little challenging to get there because you have the non-likeable as the potential replacement. The ones speaking to Santa are definitely in a more antagonist type of role. There was a slowness to the story for me near the middle when we're trying to figure out what will happen to Father Christmas and if the so called replacement can stack up. Once we get near the ending things picked up a little more but there was a stall for me in getting to that point. On a personal preference note: I prefer to see the prompt and word count, if listed, placed at the very bottom of the item instead of the top. The focus at the beginning should be the story or poem and those other details can come later. And the title is already listed in its own spot so doesn't need to be included within the body of the item as well. Though nice touch on the link to reviews at the very bottom. Never really thought about doing that one. Overall, nice work with creating the story based on the provided prompt. The sci-fi/cyborg element did provide a different feel that can be appreciated. Hope you enjoyed creating the story and thank you for entering the contest. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4293640

Review of Santa's next generation steps up  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jan 20, 2017 at 12:36pm

Length:   3,138 Characters | 3,063 w/o WritingML

Greetings. I am reviewing your story today for the official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the contest and making the attempt at the character presented by the prompt. My reviews are also connected to a group I'm a member of on this site, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. Hope the reviews help and that you enjoyed writing. Overall: It's a well thought out story based on the provided prompt. You manage to give the reader a rather developed story considering the word count limit requirements along with the focus of the contest, which in many ways is the character. Their viewpoint, experiences and development are definitely supposed to be a focus consider the contest entered is called "What a Character". You manage to make Santa quite a character and develop the world enough to give some answers to how things happen with the mystery and magic of Christmas. Title: The title is okay if you really want to tell the reader what to expect because that is what this one does. It may be a little too much of a tell. You want to entice the reader to make them want to read the story but maybe not give away the end exactly with the title. Prompt: The story follows the prompt and general contest requirements. We get the situation required where there is Santa Claus but turns out he can't fulfill the goal of delivering presents this year. From there, it was up to you in creating the details and story. And you took that in a way that does fit the prompt. The only thing I wasn't sure about overall as the reader was the choice in point of view. Having it be Santa's story does make sense to a degree, but part of me wanted to see more from who was taking over the role. Story: It was an interesting choice in the What a Character viewpoint focus to be developing the Santa that was needed to find a way to have his role taken over, the struggle to back down and admit that it was time. I will admit that I kind of wanted some of the information earlier on in the story, in particular, I wanted to know that he had a daughter. I can see where you were going with keeping that fact until later but it brought small amount of confusion for me, making me have to go back over and stalled the reading. Also, near the end we end up getting information a little quicker, which can be a bonus but because we're running out of space and story, there are things that are just brought up without having the room to show much about them, leaving questions that won't get answered. That may influence a little my wish for having the first half+ trimmed down so more of this section where they take over can be shown. Conclusion: Overall, nice work. You did a good job with this story. While I may have thoughts on different routes to take things, that is just my viewpoint as a reader and writer. Either way, whether you keep this as is, increase the story more, or try a different angle, that's all with what you want to do as it's your story. I hope you enjoyed writing for the contest. Thank you for entering the official contest. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4287008

Review of The Christmas Gift  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Dec 31, 2016 at 12:48am

Length:   2,865 Characters | 2,811 w/o WritingML

Hello Chris Breva . Thank you for entering round 228 of the Weekly Quickie contest and writing for the gift of action prompt. I hope you enjoyed writing for the prompt. First Impression: Overall, it was a nice approach even though the prompt wasn't as strong throughout. Having the Christmas element in the beginning helped and the characters have a spark that will interest the readers. There is a room for improvement and potential with the approach given for the flash fiction story. Prompt: The story has the basics of the prompt since there aren't any physical gifts. Instead, they are going on a date. It's a little minimal for the prompt but enough to qualify. While I liked the couple, we don't quite get enough to know how the actions is so much better than some present. Maybe the coworker aspect is a little less helpful because of that factor, though that can make things more interesting if taking the story longer. Characters/Story: The story has potential. It's hard to get everything done within the limited word counts for the contest, which I know from experience. However, the beginning comes off a little too much trying to explain their situation. I get the purpose for most of it since you're trying to get the reader to understand the characters and their interest in each other. However, it could have been edited down with more put in the bottom half to really make it even more erotic since most of the Quickie is based off fitting in the erotica genre. The characters show their potential by the end, which if the beginning is cut down, then it would let them blossom even more as I want to see into the pov even more as the reader. Other Notes: On the technical side, things went pretty well within your entry. There weren't any grammatical or punctuation issues that stood out, which is helpful as we don't want anything to get in the way of the story. However, I did find it a little odd to have a link to the story at the very beginning of the story because it's not a place where it's needed. For me, I like to get right into the story when I click on an item and it's the same with poems. It's better to have the extra information whether it's word counts, prompts or form for poetry left for the very bottom so the reader can focus on the important part of the item. Also, I would recommend maybe putting up the rating on the item to GC since you do take it to the sexual action at the end of the story. It's hard to do well with 18+ in Quickie unless it's a romance round and when an item on WDC starts getting into sexual description, it's usually better to go on the safe side and put the rating up a little higher. Overall, nice work with the task of writing for the prompt. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4228168

Review of The Renascent Apprentice  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jun 24, 2016 at 6:51pm

Length:   2,176 Characters | 2,097 w/o WritingML

Hello Chris24 . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest and attempting the chosen genre. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site. Prompt: This time around, due to the nature of the contest, it was relatively easy to create a story that fit the prompt because it required just a story in the fantasy genre. Your story went quite well in this regard and it was easy enough for me to see how it fit for the contest. Nice work with that. Characters/Plot: I like the name Avery. Have a character with the same name, though mine is a boy one as I tend more towards that for main and secondary/love interest characters. Still, fun name for anyone and interesting to see the character development that others have and features they affix to certain names. The turn the plot took closer to the end caught me off guard a little, I have to admit. Not in a negative way or out of no where but not quite where I saw things heading, which works because the main character wasn’t expecting things going that way either. Helps show the pov usage with that. And I think it works overall, the conflict and the characters involved. It was an intense route to take. Nice choice and story. Other Notes: Not too much to add here beyond a little nit-picking and nothing more. You did a nice work overall with this story and it was one that I enjoyed. So, here is just the minor point that caught my attention as the reader… One minor point you could consider to work on with edits and rewrites would be the use of adverbs, in particular those ending in -ly. I’ts not a big deal but can strengthen the overall tone of the writing when those types are a bit more limited. Some are okay but I like to have less than a couple within a few paragraphs. Personal preference on the tech side of the writing. Thank you for entering the Journey Through the Genres contest for the fantasy round. Hope that you enjoyed the challenge of the official contest and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4228020

Review of Hare Trigger  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jun 24, 2016 at 7:53am

Length:   2,138 Characters | 2,064 w/o WritingML

Hello BD Mitchell . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest and attempting the chosen genre. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site. Prompt: The contest had a rather simple prompt in that it just required a story within the fantasy genre, which was easy enough to follow. The character working as a wizard gave that element of the necessary genre right away, so that’s a good start. Story qualified for the contest with the character and situation he gets involved within. Characters/Plot: Nice concept with the character and not so glamorous world working as a wizard and handling different situations or unknown creatures. Fun to have a character you write, as the link shows, with the adventures and other options. Stood a little on its own story wise but also a small section of an interesting world. The method of combating the hare was a nice touch, with the musical notes and all. Also, an interesting choice with the “creature” being the hare instead of some other type that might have presented a different level or threat. Other Notes: Nothing much to note here as you did well with the technical side in writing this story. Some less common details, like the size of font and bolding the first letter of the story. Understandable but still, not something seen very often online with the different stories available on the site. On the technical side, while some of the italics made sense, I wasn’t always sure the reason for having the font style. The rendition of Roy Rogers and the occasional emphasis near the end was easy to see but some of the earlier bits, I had a harder time discerning the reason behind the usage. Well, I mean, I do get the parts as thoughts, just seemed like it could be a little too often with the different reasons and fonts involved. Nice work with the story and thank you for entering Journey Through the Genres. I hope you had fun with this entry and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4228018

Review of The Horror of Melza Wood  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Jun 24, 2016 at 7:48am

Length:   2,301 Characters | 2,222 w/o WritingML

Hello remusmdh . My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest and attempting the chosen genre. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site. Prompt: Borderline leaning towards horror but with enough fantasy elements to fit within the requirements of the prompt. It was easy enough with the story needing just to be in the fantasy genre and nothing more beyond that. Worked well enough for me to qualify. Characters/Plot: Bit different of an approach for the fantasy prompt with the bit of horror added in along with managing to intertwine character, plot and setting. We get a little less involved with the main character, as there are some limits due to short story word count ranges. The bonus with that approach is that it gives a little room for showing other aspects, which helped build a stronger story. I wasn’t quite certain what was going on all of the time with the plot but managed to get there in the end. It was a little dodgy at first, not quite sure on her role and the place she had to go. The ending, however, settled things quite well. Other Notes: Overall, you did a decent job with the story. It’s kind of interesting how different stories and writing styles can create a different affect and feeling with length based on the focus and word choices. I mean, in this case, the story almost felt longer than the rather short word count requirement. It wasn’t too long but had a longish feeling created through the paragraphs and sentence structures used. Not saying it’s bad or anything, just something I noticed. You could move the word count to the end of the story instead of the beginning. It doesn't hinder the story in any way, and I do know very few contests actually prefer that information up front. Personally, as a reader that is a minor detail and I'd rather see the story first and as a judge catch that bit of information later. However, it's really up to you in the end as it's your story. Nice work with the writing. Thank you for entering the fantasy round of Journey Through the Genres. Hope you enjoyed creating this entry and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4222477

Review of a storm is coming  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jun 2, 2016 at 1:08am

Length:   1,770 Characters | 1,739 w/o WritingML

Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie contest and attempting my April Showers/May Flowers prompt. I appreciated the entry and hope you enjoyed writing for the contest. Prompt: Works for me. The prompt is a little open for interpretation, which is part of the reason I chose it back then. Though I have used rain a couple of times, that element is nice along with the general aspect of the possible storm in the distance. Only minor thing I could say in relation to the prompt might be it's very easy to see April showers but I can see the May flowers aspect is much harder to incorporate at the same time. Nothing against the story but something you could play with when entering other prompts like it if you want work on prompt incorporation, as there are many ways to handle such a prompt. Characters/Story: A nice little glance into the characters and moment but not very much, since the word count requirement limits to a certain extent. Would have needed more space in order to get character and more of a "plot" to the story. They do seem like a good couple together from the aspects shown in the flash fiction story. Other Notes: Not too much to say here, just a little note. For the ending, I think the story could use a little work as the last sentences don't have as much of an impact as they could have. It's not bad or anything but there is room for improvement too. The last sentence of the story is important since it's the final thing the reader will see before they move on to something else plus wanting to tie everything together and make it feel done, so there is a lot riding on those words. Overall, nice work. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4174755

Review of Giving Thanks  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Nov 16, 2015 at 8:04pm

Length:   2,275 Characters | 2,196 w/o WritingML

Hello Weirdone-Back in the games My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with {ritem:} and in connection with a group I sometimes managed to review for, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: The title is simple and to the point. It provides enough information to the content of the poem without giving too much away and is interesting enough that it might grasp a reader's attention, in particular during this month since you have it related to Thanksgiving, which is coming up. Overall Opinion: I like the idea behind this poem and it's a good time for the topic. I know a number of people are posting on facebook and such things they are thankful for and there will probably be a few poems/stories written during this month with similar thoughts in mind. The approach you took was good, with the question and how you provide an answer at the end. Form: Thank you for providing information on the form used as that was helpful because I wouldn't have known the rhyme scheme or syllable focus without such (though can often guess on the rhyme parts with some poems). Rhythm/Rhyme: Overall, it's decent when it comes to the rhythm and following the rhyme scheme chosen with the form. The only things I'd suggest in this regard is maybe consider rewording the fifth line. Since the last word ends with an s it is close to the other B endings but just a tiny bit off in sound. For me, the rhythm was a little stilted, or at least that's how it sounded in my head. Rewording might help but you do have to fit everything within the form requirements and get the message planned across at the same time. Then again, it may sound fine for other readers since we don't all see things the exact same. Favorite Part: Here´s something to be thankful for: That being loved is always free. - I liked this set of lines because it was the best message and point of the short poem. Other Notes: I don't have much else to add. Nice work with the poem about something good to be thankful for and it's a thought that is good for any time of the year. Good luck in the contest and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4173117

Review of Change Is Coming /Word Count 33  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Nov 9, 2015 at 12:21am

Length:   2,220 Characters | 2,136 w/o WritingML

Hello 💙 Carly: Joan Watson My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection for the "I Write in August-September-October"  [ASR] along with connection to "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: I like the title of the poem, or at least the part that is the main title. Unusual to have the word count of a poem posted as many do just line count in these cases somewhere in the body of the item or forum post. Having the count in the title is different, though have seen it before. I would recommend considering not having it in the title, however, unless a contest or other reason requires such. Comments: From the title, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. It's almost like a pep talk, trying to encourage during a windy time when change is impending. The ending gives the feeling in particular but it didn't take long from the first line to get there either. Not that there was much room since it's a short poem but I think you managed to get it in quite well even in the short word and line count. Form: It's a simple form but can be quite challenging. You follow the form well with using the first letter of each line, bolded, to show a word or phrase. In yours it is change and that works with the overall poem and title. Some do the whole title as the acrostic part but this works just as well too. Favorite Part: Grow and adjust with the times Everything will be all right. - I don't often put the end in the poem, except if it's super short, but in this case, the two lines of the poem were what caught my attention. The first lines do bring about the topic of change but the end gives that positive twist/message to the poem. Final Comments: Nice work with this little acrostic poem. Also, I see the contest has the word count in title requirement, so that's interesting. Would still suggest after the contest is over to maybe crop that out, but obviously you have to keep it in until judging is done. Though the wording in the contest is a little different but I'm reviewing the poem and not the contest. Good luck and hope you had fun with the poem. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4167839

Review of Dialogue with a Ghost  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Oct 19, 2015 at 6:24pm

Length:   2,447 Characters | 2,373 w/o WritingML

Hello Weirdone-Back in the games My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in August-September-October"  [ASR] as part of the challenge and affiliating the review with one of my groups I take part in, "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: A straight forward title that tells you what to expect as far as what the item will contain. It's not the most attention getting or showy to individual aspects of the dialogue bit, but it's sufficient for what you need. Initial Reaction: Ah yes, the challenge of writing a scene/story in only dialogue. It's not an easy task to show the characters and keep organized when the reader will just have the different bits of dialogue but no other information to go upon. Worked pretty well since you kept to a pattern of one character then the other talking and since it's all dialogue we didn't even need tags or marks to indicate such. An interesting little bit between a character and a ghost from their high school years. Character/Story: I wasn't quite sure on the gender of the non-ghost character. I am guessing male but not certain. They had a bit of a past, the two characters, though not a clear point as they weren't very close or anything. The hug moment discussed was a good one. However, near the end I ended up having a couple of questions to the character and situation but don't get any answers as the bit of flash fiction is on the short side and it's hard to get information in with the dialogue. The ending came up a little sudden for me but I know it's hard to get it all in the challenge. I do like the bit of character we see through the dialogue, the voice elements involved. While we don't get all of the answers or quite see the conflict as well compared to a full story with more than just what the characters say, it has some decent elements shown. Overall, the contests is a good voice practice if nothing else. Other Notes and Suggestions: I don't have much to offer here. I know there are limits for the type of item. I would have liked to see more as to the connection to the two characters and what is going on but understand that's not the point and you were probably going for the non-connection aspect between the characters with the ending. Nice work with the challenge of keeping it to dialogue and good luck with the contest. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4165898

Review of The Open Bottle  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Oct 12, 2015 at 4:22pm

Length:   2,690 Characters | 2,609 w/o WritingML

Hello Weirdone-Back in the games My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item for "I Write in August-September-October"  [ASR] and also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: A decent title that involves what the poem is about. The only niggle of doubt I have with it after reading the poem is that it almost implies to me that the bottle is already open instead of it being about how she opened it. Nothing really to worry about, just a slight perspective on my side of things. I do like you put the form in the description since it's nice to have that information somewhere, though you could move that to end of poem and put a little bit about the poem to grab reader attention more if you wanted to do so. Comments: Short and well considered poem based on an image prompt. It was a nice image to use for a prompt that could have inspired stories as well as poems. In fact, the poem made me hope that a story some day would come from it as I wanted to see the "character" involved and learn more about what made it bad to open the bottle, what came from the bottle and why she was glad it was opened. I get that they are "feelings" in the poem but with a story the events from that could be interesting depending on how it's written. Either way, it worked as a poem too. Form: While I haven't worked on form poetry (okay any poetry) in well over a year, I am familiar with this particular form. I don't have it quite memorized but in general view/memory, it does appear you followed the form. Only tip I'd have is maybe consider adding a dropnote at the end of the poem that shows the form and details on what is required in it. Not something that you have to do but it is nice for those that might view the poem who have no experience with the form and dropnote means it's not as distracting from the main focus of the item, which of course is the poem. Favorite Part: They told me keep the bottle closed, So your feelings won´t be free. I am so glad I did. To open it scares me. - I picked the middle of the poem since it adds to what is within the bottles, along with both the positive and negative aspects to it being opened. Other Notes or Suggestions: I don't have anything else really to state here. It does get a little repetitive in the short set of stanzas but that's required by the form. Other than maybe a little on the form being added, I think it's good for what you have going with some potential for expansion or maybe delving into more from the prompt. Nice work and good luck in the contest. Keep Writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4158446

Review of Rymond Reborn  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)

Given:   Sep 21, 2015 at 4:21pm

Length:   3,854 Characters | 3,772 w/o WritingML

Hello 💙 Carly: Joan Watson My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item for the "I Write in August-September-October"  [ASR] and also putting it in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing. Title: I like the title. It's a little different with the name, Rymond, but that works out well and the RR aspect is nice in this case. The description is also sufficient for the item, doing a bit to get my interest in what the poem might hold. Comments: My main suggestions are pretty much going to be punctuation based for this one with a little bit on paragraph/structure. Content wise, you did really well. Interesting prompt too considering the highlighted words as a couple make sense together but mustard stood out among them. Yet you managed to make it work within the world you created. Form: No specific form noticeable or mentioned, but has an overall flow that makes it easy enough to read. Just a few things to consider in structure and punctuation that is mentioned there. Imagery: You create the images of the world and the beings well within a limited amount of space that the poem has. Nice work in this aspect as it can be a challenge to do without going too epic. Word choice is key in creating images in short bursts that still capture the readers attention and imagination. Favorite Part: Darkness is chased off with the light From kerosene lamps that glow Golden along the passages Like the lowly mustard seed We flourish... I like this part because of the imagery used along with how it's a turning point where we are going to what is flourishing instead of the dismal reality shown on the surface. It's a nice moment. Other Notes and Suggestions: Just a couple things to note here, as mentioned above. They are based on my thoughts and how it comes across to me as far as structure and technical side are concerned. It's not so much of a matter of correct versus incorrect, but just something you could consider to play with the flow and affect of the pauses created within the poem. Structure - It's fine this way and not uncommon for a poem to be just one long stanza. However, I think in the case of this particular poem and where it feels like some good pauses could be created, one thing you could consider is breaking it up into a few different stanzas. You can play around with it when you have time and if it's something you want to do, changing where you put space and create stanzas to see how the pauses affect the overall feel of the poem. Find the one that works best for you, which is fun with no specific form cause they don't have to be uniform or follow a dictated path. Punctuation - Not bad here either, but some of the sentences follow what I'd view as a traditional sentence structure. Full sentence with punctuation to mark the end, which is found in the beginning of the poem in particular and what sets off the general expectations for the rest. However, part way through it gets a little less structured in sentence format. Death walking is where it caused a slight stall for me, though I can get a little of the desired affect from the not quite complete sentence. Right after it though, there are some places where punctuation could be added or changed. I would recommend, for example, putting a period at the end of the line "life abounds and begins anew" because connected with the lines below makes it run on. From there, just go over the lines and sections to maybe consider where might need commas or punctuation and where it might not be needed. This could also be affected by stanza choices if you play with those as well. Nice work overall. I liked what you created, whether you work on it later or not. Nice job and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4151124

Review of That summer  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  

Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Sep 2, 2015 at 2:34am

Length:   2,847 Characters | 2,787 w/o WritingML

Thank you for entering round 153 of the Weekly Quickie contest and the music prompt. I'm so far behind and appreciate your patience in how long it took for the reviews to be sent. Hope you enjoyed the prompt and writing for the contest. First Impression: A nice story that followed along with a song prompt. I liked the approach and characters though have a few thoughts on the changes in POV along with some minor details. It worked in general as a story though was a little jumpy considering the limited word count and the changes made in which character we saw things through. Prompt: This worked for me in how it used the story the song creates, showing what happens through your own characters. Nice work in the prompt use and in creating the sizzle in a short amount of words. Characters/Story: A nicely done attempt at taking characters dictated by music and creating them into something of your own. I liked the character elements and enough shows even within the Quickie to give them each a little something that makes them feel like people and not flat. POV - considering it changes a number of times from being his pov to hers, it wasn't too bad reading wise. Even though there isn't anything to indicate the changes, it's not difficult to follow. Though it's a little easier for some like this where it's him and her, as my own stories it doesn't work out quite that well since it's him and him. Still, considering the word count limits and reader factors, I always recommend sticking to one main point of view. It helps to have space or some other indication if you really want to show the other character's point of view and it does work in a story, but you lose some connections to the main character during the changes. Other Notes: Not too much to add, just have a couple of spots that stood out to me in particular. Richard was nervous but he wanted to, so badly. Their eyes locked as they slowly allowed their mouths to meet. - This is one section that shows how minor changes might have a stronger result, in particular with the use of adverbs. While not incorrect, the first sentence would be stronger if it were reworded to take out the -ly but also the "to, so" part is a little awkward. The -ly adverb isn't as stand out in the second but there are enough in other paragraphs that it could be reworded as well. It also happens to be a common used on "slowly" that can be overdone in the genre. There gasps of desire and wincing of passion. - This sentence is a bit incomplete and awkward. Probably meant it to be about "their" as in the characters gasps and such but even then, the sentence needs a little something added to make it complete. Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4126790

Review of Gatsby Romance  

Review by Dawn Embers

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)

Given:   Jun 19, 2015 at 2:33am

Length:   2,398 Characters | 2,314 w/o WritingML

Greetings, ♥tHiNg♥ . I am reviewing your poem today as a judge for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for taking the time to create a poem and entering it in the contest. Initial Reaction: An interesting poem that starts with the title and works its way to the very last line. The Gatsby focus did catch my attention. Along with the word choices and line rhythm, it made for a decent poem. Prompt: The prompt was easy in the context of expectations. All one had to do to qualify was write a poem within the romance genre, and the poetic side has a little less restriction than story. On the other hand, that made it a challenge to create something both in the genre but that will stand out among the other entries. This one did have an interesting angle used in creating the genre aspect and worked a bit in that regard. Form: No specific form listed. Follows a basic formatting in that there are 4 line stanzas and a rhyme scheme. Does appear to follow the general plan that is noticeable. Rhythm/Rhyme: The rhyme does work fine from what I noticed during reading the poem. Having it can seem forced at times but in this one that wasn't too bad and it helped with the rhythm. Favorite Part: Danced a wedding dance one bright Friday noon, Champagne kisses under a timeless moon! Delicious rapture promised to be ours, Forever together, written in stars! - I like this part of the poem because of the image it provides for the moments and how it incorporates the prompt. Other Notes: I liked the idea behind the poem but I also felt like I was missing some information that would have been handy to know as the reader. I couldn't tell for sure how much it related to the Great Gatsby and what not because, I have to admit that I've never read or seen it. I've read very little Fitzgerald at all, sad to say, so I ended up a little out of the loop with this one. On a personal preference note, there were a few too many exclamation points for me. I don't like using more than a couple at most within any story, and poems even a little less as they tend to be shorter. When too many are used, it loses a little bit of the impact and it can be a little distracting. Nice work with the poem. I hope you enjoyed writing it for May's official contest. Keep Writing My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .