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Review Requests: ON
1,111 Public Reviews Given
1,352 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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Review of firefly  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Title:
This is a nice title and subject for a little poem.


Comments:
Overall, this is a good start at a poem. You show potential and will get better as you write and rewrite/edit. Some people don't like reworking poems, but all of us have room to improve.

If you are interesting in different poetry forms, you should check out this item:
BOOK
Poetry Forms  (13+)
Poetry Forms Easily Explained - a work of Bianca with additions by kansaspoet
#945530 by Bianca



Form:
I think you meant to say the form is "haiku" instead of "hiku". The poem has potential but the lines are a little off in syllable count. Traditionally, the haiku is a 5-7-5 form that focuses on nature (though many will write about anything really when writing this form). Your poem syllable scheme is close but the syllable count you have going in this one is 5-6-6.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
Not a rhyme based poem, which is refreshing. The overall flow of the poem is at a good starting place that has potential to improve. I think that with the current structure, I think it could flow better in free form instead of a haiku. But if you want to stick to the haiku, that is (of course) up to you.


Favorite Part:
The topic, firefly, is what I enjoyed about the poem. Also the last word, "sorry" which gives it an innocent ring to the very short poetic spirit.


Nice Work and Keep Writing.
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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko



First Impression:
Confused. The story is well written for the most part and her viewpoint is clear but when we get into his viewpoint it began to feel rushed. I'm not completely sure what is going on other than the fact that his plans and what she thinks will happen are not the same. It had unexpected twists that caught my attention and I was interested to know more.


Prompt:
Does follow the prompt of romance movies creating unrealistic expectations, in particular from the girl's viewpoint. I have seen the movie she references though I don't remember the details of it exactly. But I easily see the prompt and that's all I ask for in this part.


Characters/Story:
She is a character that stands out though her name was a slight distraction because I had to stop reading the story to wonder how to pronounce it in my head. She seems to think everythng is great, that she is doing things right and everything will work out for her. We needed her viewpoint. It was interesting how instead of showing him and her together we get one, then the other.

Thank you for doing something to separate the two viewpoints. Some will just jump between without even space and that makes it hard to read, but having the space and dashes helped me to easily switch from her pov to his. His part went by faster and I had to look back because I got confused at the dialogue. At the second read of that section I realized there was a passenger in the vehicle, which I didn't catch the first time. The only real problem with the rushed-ness of this part is he mentions things that the reader will want to know more about but instead of any form of explanation, he just moves on. Like is he an alien? I don't know. Maybe. He talks about being different but I don't know why. Or is it is just that he's gay. That would work too, but I don't know what is going on enough at the end to figure it out. So that makes the ending feel a little incomplete.


Other Notes:
While I am counting the entry this round, if you enter another round please try to get the story posted in the forum by the deadline. It was only a couple of hours late but I am a stickler and won't count a story that is even 2 minutes late especially since this contest is month long so there is time for people to enter compared to say my weekly contest I now co-own. I always do the deadline at 11:59 WDC time, so keep that in mind. I'm not disqualifying this round for late entries, but it does count slightly against your entry, but since you followed the prompt and did a decent job writing it doesn't hurt that bad too be honest. I am thankful to have your entry even with the tardiness.

Adverbs - They are okay to use but not very often. There is more than one instance where there are two adverbs in the same paragraph and that might be a little too much. This is particular of the part where we are in his pov. Some readers can handle adverbs more than others and while published work does have some, it might help develop your writing more to work on limiting the number of adverbs you use per sentence/paragraph/section.

It's kind of interesting because the Scott part is longer than Blaise, but it feels like it goes faster, maybe because the paragraphs are shorter. Also there are more instances in it where things are mentioned then dismissed leaving questions that go unanswered. In her side we get in the short amount exactly what she thinks is going on and why.

""Only if you'll be my knight." came the cheeky reply." - This last line is okay but it might be stronger if the "cheeky reply part was first so the very last thing read was the part about him being his knight.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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203
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko



First Impression:
An emotional story that deals with a tough topic of abuse but in a strong way because unlike many (unfortunately) she leaves him. Is a bit passive which in part may be because we are being told about the relationship that was in the past instead of being shown it. But overall, decent writing to showcase something that isn't always easy to handle.


Prompt:
Course since you talked about it in chat, I knew that you weren't going for comedy and that's fine. I can see the influence of the prompt and that's all I really ask for because even though the prompt was to have the romance movie be what ruins the relationship this is close enough. It would have had more of a connection if something in a romance movie made her leave but that might have pushed it too much into being unrealistic sounding and deterred from the story.


Characters/Story:
The character in focus is the female as the abusive boyfriend is only talked about by the main character, though it is in third person. We don't get to know her name in this short piece. I would have liked to have more description to get to know the main character more, or at least have been given a name. I hate when even first person doesn't tell us the main character's first name because I feel the name is an important part of their identity. Also, when you work on showing more than telling in a story, I think you will be able to create an even stronger story.


Other Notes:
Nice work at getting a topic that some would struggle with and making it easy enough to read. While there is room to grown and develop (as there always should be) this is a good point to jump off from when working to learn more about writing.

One of the common things you will hear in writing advice is "show don't tell" but for a simple phrase it is definitely easier said than done. The trouble with trying to convey something that happened in the past while having the character move forward is that talking about it comes of as telling. There isn't much description, the voice gets more passive, and it lacks an emphasis that showing would give the story. Course the problem with showing more is that it tends to increase the word count, so that makes it harder to do in flash fiction or very short stories, but it will eventually make for better writing. It's something most of us have to develop as writers (I'm still working on it too).

You did have some really good points that some wouldn't have thought of, like the part about the little bit above her lip getting red. Stuff like that will make your story stand out and easier to visualize for the reader.

Passive and weak phrasing are the other thing to work on (as many of us need to work on them in writing). An example is near the beginning you have "was supposed to be" "was" is often a sign of passive voice. The sentence after has "seemed" and that is an example of a weak word (one I use too often in my writing and am working on fixing too). If edited, changing things like the passive parts and adding more visual/senses to the story to bring it more to life, you could have a really good piece.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko



First Impression:
Great title. I don't know if you've seen the comedian that inspired the prompt that almost everyone chose to use, but her example is Twilight because she claims that Twilight ruined her for real men. She was funnier though because it was her who picked to watch Twilight then she said she would get in a fight with a guy after that and tell him "I need to date someone that can fly"... lol. But on the other hand, it is kind of interesting that you decided to have the male character pick Twilight of all movies.


Prompt:
Good to see a story that uses the prompt in some way or another. I wasn't quite sure if it was the guy who actually is ruined by the movie, but that would almost make sense.


Characters/Story:
The roles were almost switched in this story, which did make them very different than what someone might expect. It's also interesting how "bertha" rambles about how abusive the relationship is in the movie when she possibly is abusive herself. Though her name was almost too stereotypical. He was rather funny, though even I don't believe he wants to watch that movie for the forest. That would be like him saying he watches Brokeback Mountain for the mountains. Sure they are nice (filmed in Canada and all) but probably don't want to claim that is why you watch the movie. With the story, I really would have liked more. The story is pretty minimal, but that may have been the point, so it wasn't horrible except I would have liked more to read to see your writing skills more.


Other Notes:
I'd get rid of the word count in the title because it detracts from what you have going for it. Have the word count in the forum post or in the item either before or after the story.

I would recommend not using a colored font but that is really up to you in the end. I am rather against it with only a few exceptions. For a short story, the color doesn't really serve much of a purpose. In fact, it can distract from what you are trying to tell with the story.

Another thing I don't think you need is "the end" at the end. When there is no more story the reader pretty much assumes that is the end. In fact, I think you could have worked more with the end to make it stronger.

Personally, I would have liked to have a little space between paragraphs. Just one extra "enter/return" after each one would really help because the space makes it easier to read on the computer screen.

One thing to maybe work on in future stories is to limit the number of "saidisms" in one short story. Considering most of the story is dialogue and most of the time you have things like "answered", "squeaked", etc. Keep some of them but maybe cut a few out with either "said" or an action instead. That will help develop the technical side of the writing in the future as there are some who are against "saidisms" in stories.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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Review of Fire to Ashes  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Last review in coffee house package from ~WhoMe???~

Title:

Very nice title. The description makes me wonder if it was entered in a contest because I know that there was one or two involving darkness and light. Even if it wasn't, I like the description. It gives a tiny bit of insight but gives nothing away.

Initial Reaction:

Format wise, I don't often see the tab used with each paragraph. I see it sometimes but far more often I don't see it used at all, and not with the extra space between paragraphs. Not sure if it's my sister's computer since the page is so long but the lines look a bit weird to me. I'm betting it's how her browser page is set. The lines are so long there aren't many lines after the first one since some of the sentences are very short in this piece. So that makes it look odd to have tabs. Nothing wrong on your part, and I probably am rambling a bit when I could be saying something more productive.


A fun change after the last story I read. Went from basically no dialogue to lots of dialogue. I like dialogue. I like the first line in particular. It grabs the readers attention at once, is dynamic and when added thing next lines, even becomes amusing. I think it's my favorite part of the story.

I was a little curious as to why he was adding to the fire if he was waiting for it to die, since that is when "she" was going to appear. Just something I had to think about.

This line "where all spirits walked on top of something fluffy as if coated with moss," amuses me.


Setting:

Good use of setting in the backdrop of the story. It's not the focus but there is enough to give some sense of bearing.


Character Development:

Well done here. The character is the important part of this story and how he changes from the beginning (not wanting to waver) to the end (I'm not telling so anyone viewing this has to read the story to find out).


Plot:

Good plot that follows the character. Well done.


Ending:

I like the idea behind the ending but think it could use some work. The last two lines feel too much like you are telling the read when it could be shown. But keep the grenade pin as part of the last line. But don't tell what happened with it, show it. I would explain more but I'm still learning how to show instead of tell as well.

There are good aspects to the ending, great ones even. Just not all of the ending is as strong as it could be.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Biggest issue is the ending. Some parts could be worked on but not too many stood out in particular.

"Osman opened his eyes with a sweat when" - this felt a little awkward to me. I don't understand the opening eyes with a sweat. I can't figure out how that works, feels or looks like.


Group Review Sig 4
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Review of Autumn  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Another review from coffee house package gifted by ~WhoMe???~ .


Title:

Nice and simple title. It is straightforward and yet invokes many images, thoughts, sense with a simple word. And a good title for a haiku chain. Helps to have the form used in the little description.


Comments:

I like reviewing haiku and haiku chains because the form is easy to understand and tell if written at least somewhat correctly. This is true even though I'm not fond of writing them myself. I also really like haiku poems that use nature as a topic since in some studies, it says that the poems should be about nature.

This is a haiku chain that has nature in it. Yay!

Good poem. One thing you do well is to use a variety of words with different syllable lengths in each line to get the required syllable counts. It really adds to the feel and rhythm of the poem. Overall, there is a feeling of both connection and disconnection between each stanza, or sometimes between the lines within the stanza. For the most part, I like that feeling. The last stanza is a little iffy to me. it feels a little too weird and pulls me out of the reading a bit. I get distracted and confused when it comes to the "heart breaking in" part, and had to read it a couple of times to figure out what was going on. Not too bad, but something to look at if you ever go back to this poem.


Form:

Haiku form, 5-7-5, repeated in 4 stanzas. Well done. I checked each line and they have the correct syllable counts.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme here. The poem has a bit of a disjointed flow to it, which under normal circumstances that would be a bad thing, but for most of this poem it works (as mentioned above).


Imagery:

Some nice images in the poem. Mentions of colors, animals and other aspects found in nature add to the imagery of the poem.


Favorite Part:

scarlet leaves of bitterness
soon the harvest moon


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Don't have many suggestions. As mentioned before, if you ever do go back might consider working the last stanza a bit. But overall, good haiku chain.


Group Review Sig 4
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207
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Another review as part of the package from ~WhoMe???~ might get the rest done in the next couple of hours.

Title:

Good title and description. Both set up the poem well and draw in the attention of the reader. Sure, some may not like it based on the title but that's their problem. *Wink*


Comments:

It's an older poem, but one that caught my attention so decided to review it anyways.

First off, I like the song that influenced this poem. I believe it's one we performed often as a warm up in my high school choir, or at least part of it. So, I have fond memories aside from the normal patriotic aspect. Your use of the lines works well for an over all great poem.

It helps to have the dialogue marks around the different sections, separating it from the rest of the poem. Another option would be italics, but I think the quotation marks work best just for standard citation and what not since the segments come from someone else technically.

Form:

For line stanzas with an a/b/a/b type of rhyme scheme. The stanzas are uniform with a slight variance of line length with the last stanza in particular, but nothing that stands out too much in an awkward way. So, it works. The simplistic form works well with this piece as some complicated poetic form would possibly take away from the words of the poem.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Has good flow. The rhyme scheme is done pretty well minus the first stanza. While the words are well chosen for the most part, the first and third line of the stanza don't have the solid rhyme that the others have. The word "days" in my head has an ending that sounds close to a z sound while "grace" has a soft s. The "grace" works better in the third stanza since it's matched with a word that has a similar sounding end.


Imagery:

Some good images here both in the quoted sections and the non-quoted ones. The line that is posted as my favorite part is one good example. From the quoted parts in particular, "amber waves of grain" always catches my imagination. I can see golden grain waving in a breeze. Then again, I was raised in a town where part of the name is "wheat" (for real).


Favorite Part:

When hate is howling at heroes,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Might consider the rhyme thing I mentioned earlier within the first stanza. That's the only thing I'd really change in this poem.


Group Review Sig 4
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Review of When Mama Wrote  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review from package by ~WhoMe???~ . My section is a few weeks later than expected, apologies but hope to finish the reviews soon.

Title:

Nice title. It is simple, to the point and yet draws out a feelings of memory and reflection. The description is just two words but gives enough without letting the reader know too much before reading the poem.


Comments:

Very nice. I like the overall tone and the individual points. There are a few in particular that are so well written and imaginative, they really make the poem come alive. I enjoyed reading this. I get a real sense of character, Mama, out of the lines, which is something I don't often see in poetry. Well done.


Form:

I don't see a specific form here, or mentioned, so I'm going to guess it's a free write. Works well for this piece. I think it sounds better than forcing a rhyme scheme or some form. Letting the words go can often create wonderful things, like this poem.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme. At least, I didn't notice it. The rhythm/flow of the piece is good though there is a point or two I'll mention in the suggestions portion of this review.


Imagery:

Great job with imagery. That first set of lines, wow. I can see the shopping bags. You do a great job with small amounts of words to create different images in this poem, along with emotions.


Favorite Part:

Her words, plastic shopping bags in flight,
testing the wind,
in shrieks of joy,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"Mama, on a serious roller-coaster ride," - This is okay, but I found the "Mama" part to be a bit jarring and disconnected from the rest of the stanza. It doesn't seem needed and might be a little better without the word. It would improve the flow a tiny bit.

"though the lines reel while she writes." - I stumbled over this line and had to read it a couple times to figure out quite what it meant. I almost thought it should the "through" but upon re-reading, I realized that wasn't the case. So, it's not bad just might consider it since it stalled me a bit.


Image #1600904 over display limit. -?-

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Review of Ally  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


My apologies for taking so long with the review and judging the contest. Check for winners to be announced soon.

Title:

Nice title. It is short and sweet.
The description is interesting enough and tells what the story is about.

Initial Reaction:

This is an interesting little story. A bit too much tell, but that can be worked on. I think you do a very good job at using fragment and/or super short and one word sentences in a correct fashion. The story starts off well but the first paragraphs kind of waiver in good lines and random telling that doesn't show the reader why they should care. Adding spaces in this could really help because right now the structure of the lines is actually a bit off-putting.

Consider the writing rule "show, don't tell" if you go back into this story. This is very much a tell story, to me, because the main character, in first person, just talks to the reader. We don't get to see much and that holds this story back. It could be a very good story, even in first person, with some development. I need more about the main character and to see more things happen. Some telling is okay, but there is just too much of it for me in this story.

Nice use of this particular prompt. It was a popular one and you took a unique approach.

Character Development:

It's done in first person. But I don't really get to know the main character. It's all about him talking about this other person, Ally. And, if I hadn't been told in the item description it was a man, I would have guessed the speaker to be female. I think it's the "sleepovers" that gives that impression. Oh and I think "sleepovers" is two words instead of one, maybe.


Plot:

Person struggling with the murder of someone he was close to while not knowing who did it.


Ending:

Has a bunch of questions, including one of the prompts. I'm not a big fan on that, personally. Though, this is one of the better methods of having questions in a story as we are at least given a main character and it makes sense in the personal dialogue that is the entire story. However, it's not as interesting of an ending as it could be. If we knew more about the main character, and about why we should care about his ramblings, it would be better.

However, the last line is great. That I would keep if the story was to be developed.


Suggestions for Improvement:

In the description, I believe it should be man's instead of mans, since there is ownership of the account.

The body of the text needs more space. Either check the small box in the edit item page where it says double space, or add an extra return between every single paragraph. This just makes it easier to read on the computer screen instead of having everything together as it is now.

"It’s funny, I didn’t even know she knew that many people." - the comma doesn't feel like the correct form of punctuation here. It's close but not quite right.

"It’s funny how one life can bring an entire town together." - a bit boring and repetitive since the "it's funny" is the start of a nearby sentence. Leave one as is and reword the other.

"The killer covered their tracks to well." - small typo here. Should be "too" instead of "to".

"Her death was sudden, random. In a way. To her killer it was anything but random." - This repeats what we've already been told earlier in the story.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
210
210
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


Apologies for the tardiness of the reviews. Past month has been crazy busy and such.

Title:

Love the title. It's great to have one that doesn't use the prompt or the question as a part of the title. And you have a fantastic title here. It's interesting and will grab a reader's attention.

Initial Reaction:

Personal: I'm not a big fan of military stories in general, though the prompt does make such a story make sense since it's about a war. Sci-fi sometimes confuses me, and the military type was always hard for me to follow. It's not my personal preference, but that won't hurt in the judging.

I feel like the more interesting parts of the story are cut out, told in a couple of sentences or paragraphs. The elements are told instead of shown and the reader isn't given enough of a character to even root for or care about. It's kind of like attempting to put an entire novella/novel into a short story and it just doesn't work as well. And much of it is told instead of shown.


Setting:

The setting works well. While my geography knowledge is limited, I can still get a general feel for the location since I've at least heard of the places mentioned. Seems like a good location for this story.


Character Development:

This part starts off fine but then we are cut out of the character, so to speak. The readers aren't given a main character by the end to follow, which makes it harder to connect and reader. We don't see the character develop as he changes to one of the mutants. We are merely told it happens and nothing more.


Plot:

I'm a little confused as to the overall plot. It comes off a little bit pointless, if at the end all die. Not to mention, there is no real way to tell, who or which side to root for overall. With parts of the plot just kind of told to the reader, it's harder to follow and understand what's going on and why.


Ending:

The end feels weak. We aren't in any of the characters any more, certainly not the main one we are introduced. It's a sad way to end, with them dying but it's not a good sad. It doesn't make me feel much because I haven't been given enough of a character to feel for because of the way the story is told.


Suggestions for Improvement:

There is a small box when editing an item to make it double spaced. I would suggest either clicking on that so it automatically gives the story space or putting an extra enter between paragraphs. It's just easier for a reader that way, to have a little space.

Of the first 5 paragraphs, 3 start with just his last name and another one starts with his full name. Something a general reader might not notice, but as a writer I'd suggest a little more variety in paragraph beginnings.

He pulled onto a black strip of concrete that had once been the autobahn.

"Little did the man realize that he was about to find out just how possible it truly was." - While I get the reason for this, it is a little jarring. I feel the story up to this point is in the main character's point of view and for a random sentence to not be, throws the reader off a little bit.

"He would wake up three days later in what appeared to be some sort of isolation booth." - This is another element, line that sounds a little off. The problem with elements like this is they "tell." We aren't as close to the main character, into the character's pov enough. So, we are being told what is happening to him instead of really seeing it happen. This is where working on show, not tell, would make the story better.

In fact, after that line it becomes way more telling instead of showing, particularly with the actions involving Lateen. It feels like you are trying to get an entire story told in a couple of paragraphs.

Last few paragraphs don't have the indent that the rest has for the first line. Might want to at least fix that.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
211
211
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 4/4 from the coffee house. Don't know who is doing the other reviews but hope your package gets done soon.

Title:

The title amuses me. I'm still not sure what it means, but it draws my attention each time I look at your portfolio. Again, no caps. *Wink*
The description doesn't tell much but is one of the times that second person works.


Comments:

Different poem and rather long. It's not quite an epic length but longer than most poems I read on WDC. Not bad considering the length and it's not like the lines are each very long in length.


Form:

Not a specific, known form, but there is an indication of one. I like poems that are consistent in their forms, even if they aren't using a specific one. It's good to be creative, of course, but also to have some reasoning behind them in my mind.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme, which is a good choice with this poem. The rhythm/flow of the poem is decent as there aren't many spots that hinder the reader. Not many points of stumbling and that's always a good sign.


Imagery:

Good imagery. It isn't the focus but the small details are what make the images stand out within the poem. The orange parts are different types of images, but add amusement as well.


Favorite Part:

There she sways in her leotard,
lost in a mob of tumblers,
chanting on naked toes.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"My daughter
the seven-year-old," - this isn't quite a complete sentence. It's a reflection from the second stanza but that's hard to tell since it's marked as it's own sentence. Maybe adding something to it would make it seem more complete.

"Not from negligence
I hope you know," - This stanza is a bit confusing. Feels like a word from the sentence is missing because it doesn't feel quite complete.

"to worry the concern" - this line is a tad confusing and could use some work. I'd pick one and rewrite the sentence to either have "worry" or "concern" but not both.



Image #1600904 over display limit. -?-

212
212
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 3/4 in coffee house package. Again, sorry for tardiness on this package but it'll be done soon.

Title:

Not bad, though I have no idea what/who/etc Bukowski is. As usual, I'd knock off the all caps. It's more bothersome than attention-getting. I do like the description. It doesn't help me figure out the poem but it does catch my attention and make me feel intrigued enough to read the poem.


Comments:

I'm a bit confused with this poem. It's rather disorientating and I still have no idea what's going on in the poem after reading it for the third time at least. The language is a little off putting. I don't have a problem with language but with the disorientation it's harder to understand the reason behind it. Seems a bit fitting to the character but still don't know enough about the character. Also, I don't often see poems with language, so part of it may just be that I'm not used to it. I use language more in stories than poems, but don't often have poems in dialogue. At least this was a dialogue type, so that helps.


Form:

No specific poetry form used, or at least none given.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

It does move decent for the most part. The confusion muddles it a bit but there is a sense of flow as I stumble along the lines. No rhyme scheme, which is better for this type of poem. No need to force rhymes with this type of poem.


Imagery:

There are some good images in here. I like the part of the mini van being a coffin. That had a great visual element to it and added to the poem. Helps to have images to ground the reader a bit for a poem that can be a little confusing.


Favorite Part:

Can’t a dead tree still stand?
Can’t a eunuch still pretend to be a man?


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"Make Charles spin in his grave and grin." - Not sure, but if you're going for past tense, I would change "make" to "made". Also, think it sounds a little bit stronger. I dunno. Just a thought.

No other suggestions.


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Review of JENNIFER ON ICE  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 2/4 from my part of your coffee house package.

Title:

I like the title and it makes sense with the poem. Again, I would remove the caps locks button in creating the title and only have the first letters of each word be capital, maybe not "on" though. You should rely on the title and description to grab a readers attention instead of having the title yell out of the page. *Wink*


Comments:

This is a decent poem. It has an introduction that catches my attention. I like the elements described at different points, the imagery. It's also very sad, as I'm sure was the intention. A few minor elements detracts from the poem but they are easy to work out.


Form:

No specific form used, which is fine for this type of poem.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

The flow is okay in this poem but the punctuation issues that will be discussed below interrupt it.


Imagery:

Nice job with imagery in both the happier, creative elements with the skating, and the heart-wrenching and sad elements of the ending.


Favorite Part:

A dancer dressed
in classical music
and sheathed in blades
of quicksilver,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The second stanza in the poem is very intriguing and has great details but it's a bit of a run-on. As one sentence it goes on too long and starts to get confusing during the end. I would rework some of it towards the end so that it's more than one sentence but keeps the elements desires and descriptions of the skater.

"She is her." - I don't think you wanted a period at the end of this line, because of how the next line acts like an extension from this instead of being its own sentence.

"She sits and watches" - This stanza doesn't flow quite right because the punctuation is a bit off. Here there isn't enough punctuation, such as commas. I'd look it over, read it out loud, and consider where there needs more in the stanza.



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Review of WORLD WAR ME  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


This is review 1/4 by me for your Coffee House Package. Apologies for the delay in the reviews.

Title:

The title is an interesting one that will draw readers in. However, I would recommend not having the title in all caps. Myself, I don't like text yelling at me and that's what all caps does. Instead, for the title, I'd recommend capitalizing only the first letter of each word of the title.
The descriptions below the title is good too. I don't know the connections to the actual words of the poem, or who the "you" is but it's still good and will intrigue a reader.


Comments:

This is a different poem than what I am used to. It has some sense of emotions but it's not as easy for me to connect with due to the nature of the topic. That's not something you have to be concerned with, however, because there are plenty of readers that are meant to be the audience for this type of poem even if I'm not one of them. I can appreciate the elements used to create images and the personal discussion of the poem. All of the edits suggested in this review are my opinion. It's a decent poem but there are some minor, technical issues through out to consider.


Form:

No specific form used.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No rhyme scheme in this poem. The rhythm has some solid spots but a few sections aren't as good in the flow aspect. Those are discussed in the last section of this review. Any time sentence structure feels a bit off, it messes with the flow of the piece.


Imagery:

This is one thing you did pretty well. The mushroom cloud line is a good example of the imagery used in this poem and certain word choices throughout create images in the reader's mind.


Favorite Part:

The countdown begins.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I like the first stanza but as I look at it from a technical standpoint, I am a little confused. It doesn't feel like a complete sentence when I look at it as a whole. I guess, I don't mean incomplete as a non-sentence but incomplete as it doesn't give me an answer to what "it" is in the first sentence. I assume it is faith but the way the sentence flow goes that comes off a big odd sound wise in my head.

"With questions barking like gunfire" - There isn't anything wrong, per say, with this line. However, I would recommend considering past tense for the "barking" to see how that feels in the line as "barked".

"World War Me." - Interesting choice, but each time this is put in as a single line, they don't need a period. They aren't an actual sentence and thus don't need the punctuation.

"The bombs will drop out the sky then," - This is okay but I think a tiny word is missing here. I'd put "of" after "out".

"There will be wounded," - This also feels a bit incomplete and confusing even with the rest of the sentence. Maybe add another word in this line, such as "many" before "wounded". Just a suggestion.

"I’ll be taken prisoner" - Check the entire stanza this is the starting line of because the punctuation doesn't look right.


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Review of Telling Time  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 1/2 in the packaged from ~WhoMe???~

Title:

I like this title. The double T words look nice and it's the type that will catch my attention. I'm always for playing around with time and writing poetry about it. The description is helpful for the most part. Not sure on the three exclamation marks, lol, but I am glad that this says what type of form is used in the poem.


Comments:

This is a pretty good poem. The repetition doesn't come off as too much and the rhyme scheme doesn't have a sing song feeling, which is good in this type of poem. I think the topic is a good one and one that works with the given more. I like the idea of time, the removal of it and the strength that comes from that aspect into the character that is the speaker of the poem.

There are some minor elements or typos that I have pointed out in the section below but not too many really. This is well written and solid for the most part.

Nice job working with a form like this. It doesn't have the syllable count, which is what I like about this form, but instead it has the rhyme and repetition.


Form:

I am glad to see a form to be honest. The villanelle is a good form, one I've done in the past. You have followed the form rules well from my observation. The rhyme scheme is correct and so are the repeated lines. Well done with the form.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

A bit obvious in the rhymes, but not overly so. It doesn't jump up at me as being to obvious or forced when it comes to the rhymes. Having that second line to break up the "a" ones helps with that in this type of scheme.

Favorite Part:

No red flag is up, hours promise to stay;
As seconds stretch, limp flowers I forget,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Since the "villanelle" is in the item description, I'm not sure if it's necessary to have it in the item body as well.

"Have you noticed?I made a choice today." - space after the question mark.

"My vagrant life to my liking I set," - This line leaves me with an unsettled feeling. I even looked up the word vagrant and I'm still not sure if it works with the other half of the line. I know the rhyme scheme is important in this poem but this line could use some consideration and possibly change it.

"To tell the time, I threw the clock away." - This is okay. I find it a little odd to use "the" in front of "time". To me, the is invoking of a single entity that is very specific, and I know time can have that element but I'm not feeling it here. I think just taking off the word "the" would work and it would be stronger.

"While I sat to sip my bliss with chardonnay," - the tense of "sat" in this line. It throws me out of the poem a bit. I almost feel that the "sat to" could be removed and the line would work just fine.


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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 6/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

I do like this title. It's fitting and draws attention to the reader, giving them a reason to choose this piece to read. I like the description but kind of want to know what contest it was written for since it does mention a contest.

Initial Reaction:

The first couple of sentences don't feel like a strong introduction to the story. it comes off to me more as a telling of information but not a grabbing of my attention.

This reads to me as a personal story, kind of like someone is telling it to another person. It certainly doesn't have the tone of fiction in my mind. The first person adds to the feeling giving some sense of experientialism to the reading but for the most part stays with telling. There are wonderful lines and descriptions, which are the strong notes of the story. The rest is more of a tell what went on type than a showing.

I like the storm and can see the event occurring. I've never had this happen myself but know it can occur. Weather here can be rather strange and have dramatic changes in a matter of minutes, so I can relate to the situation.


Setting:

The descriptions of the setting are the highlight. Even with the crayola comment down below, I love the link of the colors with crayons and paints. Helps that I'm an artist (to some degree, like what is in my bachelor's). The setting is important in this story as it's a strong part and not just a character focus type.


Character Development:

We get to see into a small adventure that the character goes on, but this isn't about the character changing. It's a flash fiction piece that is about an experience more than about the character that is personified in the first person telling of the hike.


Plot:

The plot is about a day, a hike that is met with a random storm. Nature is the key element in this story and the character is the bystander to the event.


Ending:

The ending is good. I'm not all fond of having titles in poems or stories, it takes a special one for me to think it's a perfect choice. Here I'm not against it but I do think that the capitalization isn't necessary. Keep it but don't make it stand out so much. The last line could use a little work as well, but that is discussed in the section below.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"The sun was shining, it was going to be a beautiful day." - This feels like it should be two separate sentences instead of one. The comma doesn't feel like the correct form of punctuation.

"It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons." - This is fine. But for me I don't thing that the crayon company should be given a gender. "It" would work better than "her" in my mind.

"A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky; cool enough to almost quench your thirst," - This paragraph gives off a feeling of second person, bringing in the "you" when most of the story is done in first and that change brought me out of the reading a bit.

"It was here, rushing at me." - to me, this comes off a bit contradictory. The first half of the sentence makes it sound like the clouds have arrived while the second half imply that they are on their way.

"Maybe though, they didn't all like to leave." - I like the concept of this line but it's a little weak. It would be better to be stronger in the ending, to make the statement instead of go about it in this light of tone.


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217
217
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 5/6 in the packaged from humdedum

Title:

I like the poem title and the description. I'm fond of the descriptions that mention what contest the item was written for and enjoy when people do that. It's interesting to see where the initial inspiration or reason for writing the item came from.


Comments:

I like this poem. It has it's elements of sad and reflection but develops an over-all positive aspect. It is about reflecting on the past and changing for a better future to me, which is refreshing for a poem topic. Some small development issues but nothing too major. Well written for the most part.


Form:

No form. Four line stanza with first/second and third/fourth line rhyme schemes.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

There is an obvious rhyme scheme. This is one poem where I'd say the rhyming is a bit much and it gives it a little bit of that sing song feeling that rhyming poetry can fall into. That aspect I'm not too fond of in some of the stanzas.


Imagery:

There is less imagery in this piece. It is more of a look into the character that is represented in the poem (possibly the author).


Favorite Part:

Stranger looking back at me
I like this person that I see


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I'm not a fan of having the title of the poem in the body of the item. It seems unneeded when there is a special spot for the title already.

"Filled with laughter filled with tears" - I know that you are avoiding punctuation in this piece, but in this line it feels like they should either be separated or have a comma after "laughter".

I almost feel like stanzas three and four can be switched. Make four three and then three four, if that makes any sense. Then again, it might not work afterall.

I'm a little bit bothered by the life that is not for me. It seems a bit more negative than the rest of the poem.

"A new life now had just begun" - the words "now" and "had" seems to clash a bit in tense. Now gives a feeling of present while had gives a feeling of past. It might work better to change the "had" to "has" in order to keep the present feeling for the change presented.


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Review of Do Not Enter  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 4/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

The title is the message the author is trying to give the reader. The description is helpful to give the reader an understanding of what goes on with the poem, where the influence might have come from.


Comments:

I like the concept of this poem but think there are some execution issues. This poem will be great after worked over. What I like is the tension created throughout most of the poem. The warnings given to the reader.

The over use of the word "not" bothers me a bit. I think that more variety could be incorporated while keeping the meaning of the lines in a way that will make the poem read better.


Form:

No specific form given. The common four line stanzas with second/fourth line rhyme scheme.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Most of the rhymes work and aren't overly done. There are noticeable spots but they don't jump out at the reader, which is good. The only problem I see is in the third stanza. Not sure if the rhymes in lines 2 and 4 are actual rhymes. It is close but not quite right.


Imagery:

This is based upon sparking the readers imagination. It's not about telling the reader what image they should be thinking about. Instead, what the comments do is make the reader think on their own about what they see from the poem.


Favorite Part:

In this tortured chamber
Silent demons do slumber.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"Dark and gloomy here reside." - to me, "gloomy" is more of a description than an object. It could be changed to "gloom" and that would work better because "dark" can be both a description and an object so both dark and gloom can reside in a location.

"Pleasant not is this ride." - this line is okay but would be better if reworded to take out the "not". I like the not in lines one and three but having it also in four is a bit much.

The second stanza feels more like one sentence instead of two. The first two lines are okay but the second two lines don't stand out as their own sentence.

"Come not bearing gifts." - same issue here as the second stanza, I think this line could be stronger if reworded to remove the "not" form this line and keeping the ones in lines one and three.

"Nor spirits here to lift." - This line, I feel like the first word should be "no" instead of "nor".

The ending doesn't feel complete. It doesn't lead with a strong impression and after all the stanzas that lead up to it, there needs to be more.


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Review of Bathtub Haven  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 3/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

The title is very interesting and I like it. In fact, this is one where I wish the words were more reflected in the poem. I know they are in there some towards the end but I wanted to know more on the haven aspect. It's a title that will draw in readers. And the description works in that it doesn't give things away but it does tell the reader something important about the poem.


Comments:

This is a decent poem, long and yet small at the same time. I like the story behind it and I'm not always fond of story poems. From the start I knew that the scared being in question was a pet, which I like. I'm not a fan of the end. It doesn't feel strong enough to me to have the dog come back. I know it's based off a true story but at that point I was wanting more of a "haven" detail out of the poem.


Form:

No form was given. Not sure on what the method was here in the lines, stanzas and even the rhyme scheme. it works for the poem but makes a critical look a bit more difficult, but that's okay.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

I'm not sure on the rhyme. Often times it is easy to pick out upon careful examination I couldn't in this one. So, I'm not sure if there is a rhyme scheme. I guess the rhymes could be by accident instead of on purpose but I don't really think that's the case.


Favorite Part:

He would climb in my lap
And shake and he’d shiver,
He’d whimper and cower,
And whine and quiver.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

All just my personal opinion.

As the lightning strikes near. - This is fine but for me I feel like the word "the" isn't needed in this line. I'm picky about when "the" is put in front of something and feel people use it often when they shouldn't.

"That’s not my concern
I have more problems here." - since this comes off as one sentence, it feels like there should be a form of punctuation after "concern" because there isn't a strong link that doesn't require a pause between the two lines.

"I am here right now" - this bugs me a little for some reason. I feel like the right now isn't needed because it seems obvious from the present tense used in the stanza.

"He’s climbed under the desk" - this line might run smoother if changed to "He climbs". It keeps with a present tense and shortens the line a tiny bit. This gives it a little better flow.

"I end and we meet." - I think I get the reason for this line but I also was confused by it. I've heard where one ends and the other begins, and where they meet. But this seems an attempt to combine them but doesn't work to me.

"The storm has left it’s fury," - this is a mistake i've made in the past. "it's" should actually be "its".


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220
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 2/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

This is actually a good title. I don't often think of a phrase like that when it comes to the title but it gives the story an element that would be missed without it. The title gives me a personal connection to the author/character from the very beginning. I do wish there was more to the description. It's cool that you mention it was for a contest but I'd like to see more details.


Initial Reaction:

This is something that I can relate too. I knew nothing about plants and yet worked as a cashier at Home Depot during spring/summer. Did the big plant push really occur in August? That part I never would have thought of because of my limited knowledge, I think of spring and plants here.

In this one, I do enjoy the fact that it's in first person. I get the feeling of a friend who is like "oh my gosh, I was so embarrassed and have to tell you all about it."


Setting:

There is a sense of place without any specifics given in this very short bit of flash fiction. From this I can imagine some store details without the words being a part of the story, but it helps that I have my own personal experience to bring to the reading of the story.


Plot:

The plot is the telling of an experience one has had on a day at work. It is a creative nonfiction type of story line, though I only took the one class on creative fiction and some might disagree with that assessment.


Ending:

The ending is good. I like it as it strikes the point of the story while giving a sense of finality. It does sound like an actual ending.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

"ladies were staring at me quizzically." - I get the reason for this but i'm not a fan of "quizzically" here. I think there could be a better word that has a similar meaning. The other part that I don't like about it is the use as an adverb and there is another adverb in the very next sentence. I'm okay with adverbs but don't like to see more than one in a paragraph.

The first sentence doesn't feel like enough. I almost feel like it should either be combined with the second one instead of two. Or something short could be added to make the first paragraph feel a bit more even.


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Review of Crimson Teardrops  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review 1/6 in the package from humdedum

Title:

This is a good title. I like the choice of color in this one and how specific it is and that really works with the second word of the title. The description is useful to understand the tone and purpose of the poem.


Comments:

Overall, I like this poem. It has decent writing and a strong message. There is an element of a dark tone to it, which is required based on the given topic. I think you have a decent poem here. I do have one issue with the ending that I will discuss in the suggestions section.


Form:

No given form. Short lines and a rhyme scheme are involved. The poem moves fast due to the short lines but not too fast and still has a solid foundation.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Most of the rhymes work well in this piece and don't take away from the tone. There is only one that I have an issue with of all the rhymes. To me, while steep works with the nature of the poem, I get the feeling it was chosen more for the rhyme than for what it could do for the poem. It sounded weird in my mind each time I read the poem and took me out of it a little bit.


Imagery:

You did a good job at creating images and evoking emotion within a short poem that doesn't have many words. It has a number of visual elements that sounds out, such as the crevice line in the middle of the poem.


Favorite Part:

Jagged edges,
cutting deep.
Tears of crimson,


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

in everyway. - This seems okay at first glance but I believe it is incorrect. The line should be "in every way" with a space between every and way.

The ending is good but I have a small issue with the change from first person to third. I think it could be good with either but having both makes it a little confusing. The "I" and "me" make it very personal and give a sort of 'character' to the poem, but the third person at the very end gives the message of the poem. It might be a hard call as to which to keep but it's something to consider.


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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Overall Impression:

It does seem a little odd to me that you would have a link to the item at the beginning of the item.

I'm not sure on the spacing and have comments on it in the suggestions section of this review.

I like the idea behind this chapter, and even the book. I have a hard time with the spacing between the paragraphs and the lack of spacing in the paragraphs. This makes it a bit hard to read. The grammar is also a problem for me. You do have a good story here, it just needs some work.


Characters:

The main character is one of interest. Not knowing their ages is a slight disadvantage at this point.

The girl, Asion, sounds rather young. She seems caring and yet capable, but still the way he addresses her and the way she is written sounds closer to child than adult.

The eyes are interesting and seem to be common trait for you to describe. The characters in the beginning have their eye coloring discussed but not much else. Kiki is one I'm confused by, having not read the rest of the book. She comes out of no where in the paragraph and I don't have the frame of reference to know who is who.

Plot:

There is much going on, though the overall plot is hard to tell. Revenge is at the center of this chapter or that is the impression i'm getting from the main character.

Suggestions for Improvement:

The extra spaces between the paragraphs seem a bit much. I have always gone with the thought that extra spaces were used to denote changes in timeframe or some other significant difference. Also, I think that the paragraphs don't have the right spacing in themselves. If someone new speaks then it needs to be a separate paragraph with a single line space between the paragraphs.

First paragraph is confusing. Is the setting yelling? I'm not sure who is speaking at first then I start to understand... with one small error. "You sickening, veil, coward.” yelled soul at the top of his lunges to the heavens." - since it's the character yelling "soul" needs to have a capital s.

"Soul took off running moving throw the forest barely missing a tree standing right in his path of travel." - comma after "running". 

"He was followed by a child with black hair and dagger hanging at either one of her hips" - either put "a" in front of "dagger" or change it to "daggers".

“Soul don’t you dare go doing anything stupid you are need here!” - put a period after "stupid" and then make the y in "you" a capital one. Also, change "need" to "needed".

"said Asion here eyes burning into Souls fire amber red eyes" - comma after "Asion" and "here" should be "her". The description of his eyes are too much and I think I'd delete the word red before fire and amber are enough.

“Asion you don’t understand that is the man the reason that my parents are dead" - This sentence is confusing. There should be a period or comma after "understand". Maybe the rest should read "That man is the reason my parents are dead."

"Said soul looking in Asion calm crystal blue eyes." - always capitalize the first letter of the main characters name. Check for this mistake in the entire piece as this is the second time already. I won't mention if there are others, just look.

“Soul don’t you get it I can’t lose you I will die from the pain." - this is more than on sentence. In fact, it could be three sentences.

"Soul felt a small tug on his cloak which caused him to look down and his eyes to fall" - a general rule is there should be a comma before which. To not have a comma would require the word to be "that" instead of "which".

"Kiki’s eyes which burned like to yellow suns causing him to fall to his knees." - I'm guessing you mean "two yellow suns".

Okay. It's about 2 am and I can't quite do all the suggestions. If you want, on the side I can give you all my suggestions at a later time. I've worked as a copy editor before and can make a ton of suggestions for this entire piece if you would like. If you aren't interested, that is okay as well. But I can't put all the minor areas that need fixing in this one. So, just the big ones from this point on.

You have a number of characters that randomly show up. Or so it seems just reading this chapter. If they are shown at the end of the last chapter so we know they are there then it's okay, but if they aren't then it's a problem.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
223
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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Overall Impression:

I'm almost surprised to see the double space after each sentence. I was taught to do the double space when I was younger but the past several years have taught me that most now go with the single space.

The overall tone of the introduction is different but I like it.

I'm at a little disadvantage, as is the problem with this contest. I don't know who the main character is because it's the last chapter and also am not sure who Alex is. In general, I see the name and think male, but feels like this one is a female but couldn't tell at the beginning. I'm sure that is explained in the previous chapters as would be needed when using that type of name. The relationship(characters connection to each other) that seemed to be set up in the first paragraph is changed in the next ones.

I am intrigued but it's a tough ending. Any time a character dies and then there is more after it, will be a tough sell but don't worry. (I have one where the character dies the first chapter, lol).

Character:

*side note* Alex seems to be a popular character name. The entry before this one also had an Alex, and I have a novel with an Alex character. lol

The main character might be easier to relate to by mothers and such, but I can still relate enough to get into her story. Seems like a character that would be easy to follow/read and one that would invoke emotions from the readers.


Plot:

Family struggles and so much more. There is something big going on with the daughter (now that I have that part figured out) but that's all in the chapters before this. The mother has much to deal with from others and herself.


Suggestions for Improvement:

"Thinking back over the years with Alex, it seems it’s always rained" - I like this line but I think that "it's" should be "it" because "it is always rained" doesn't work. However, if you changed "rained" to "raining" it is would work for that portion but not the rest of the sentence.

"Those were the last words I heard from a child I loved unconditionally." - This paragraph seems like it should be closer to the one above it and there should be some more space between it and the paragraph below it.

"Alex’s in jail.  She denies killing me.  I rarely watch her.  Giving her my life was enough.  She can’t have me in death.  It’s time for me to move on." - I'm not sure if this is intentional but the flow is kind of jerky with all the short sentences.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
224
224
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


I love the title. Very nice. The first sentence as dialogue is a good start and it even helps give the genre of the story in that one line.

In general, I struggle with sci-fi, I still enjoy it. The talk of charged particles and quantum wave-lengths will always interest me. I'm a bit of nerd that way and so it's good to have a story that interests me on that level. Not quite on the level of fantasy, but still a good genre.

Different viewpoint of the prompt, but I'm liking it. The start with the evolution aspects of humanity, ones that are taught in classes such as anthropology, is a nice tough.

On the other hand, there will be many who will struggle with this story. It does have a limited audience with the level of science talk and details involved.

It is interesting and works well as a short story. I'm not sure how this plays into a novel but that's another contest all together (Save the Prologue).

Character:

We don't get deep into a single main character but instead see an entire species and how they solve a dilemma to their existence. The intelligence is obvious and makes them interesting to readers like me.

Plot:

The attempt of an over-evolved society to find hosts in order to continue existence and the circle of that action. The plot that starts at the beginning is shown to start again at the end.

Suggestions for Improvement:

"specialist projected to the Aki flight commander," - for me, I don't need to know the flight commander is also Aki since the specialist was one. Would need to know if it was a different species or type of being, but if the same it's easy to guess.

“It is ideally suited to us.” - I like this but at the same time wonder if it should be "suited for us". Just something to consider.

"A wave of satisfaction spread through the Aki as they started the merge." - This is okay but I think there is a better word to use than "merge". Look around a little for something that would describe the action better.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
225
225
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (3.5)
Image for contest made by Neko


Overall Impression:

It is short, which was a small relief after the almost 4k stories. However, the one big paragraph is a bit boring to look at. Readers like variety and not many will see a story in a single paragraph. Also, it helps the eyes and reading to have spaces separating into different paragraphs.

I do like the use of the prompt and even more the view of humans as not only ethnocentric but anthrocentric as well.

The word choices are pretty good. This paints a picture from the very first sentence onward.

However, I don't really get a story out of this. I think it could be expanded into a cool, sci-fi type of essay in answer to the questions of human existence and their meaning. But I don't get enough out of it when it comes to tale aspect. I just need more, something to follow and definitely more than one paragraph, even if there aren't many words.

Character:

No real main character. More of a look at humanity from an outside prospective than a story focused on a character.

Plot:

I can tell the point here is to follow the prompt and to have this sci-fi existential discussion. There isn't so much a plot as an answer to a question.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Title - While it's good to have the prompt in the item description, I think it would be better to not have it as a title. The question is meant to influence a story but it doesn't work as well as a title of a short story.

"It is the humans that are most powerful,  but they are not the most numerous nor the most powerful of earthen creatures" - To me, it seems odd to say they are the most powers and then that they are not the most powerful in the same sentence.

"Each human, one of six or seven million others, went about there lives," - a common typo, instead of "there" it should be "their".


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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