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Review Requests: ON
1,115 Public Reviews Given
1,356 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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226
226
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


I love the title. Very nice. The first sentence as dialogue is a good start and it even helps give the genre of the story in that one line.

In general, I struggle with sci-fi, I still enjoy it. The talk of charged particles and quantum wave-lengths will always interest me. I'm a bit of nerd that way and so it's good to have a story that interests me on that level. Not quite on the level of fantasy, but still a good genre.

Different viewpoint of the prompt, but I'm liking it. The start with the evolution aspects of humanity, ones that are taught in classes such as anthropology, is a nice tough.

On the other hand, there will be many who will struggle with this story. It does have a limited audience with the level of science talk and details involved.

It is interesting and works well as a short story. I'm not sure how this plays into a novel but that's another contest all together (Save the Prologue).

Character:

We don't get deep into a single main character but instead see an entire species and how they solve a dilemma to their existence. The intelligence is obvious and makes them interesting to readers like me.

Plot:

The attempt of an over-evolved society to find hosts in order to continue existence and the circle of that action. The plot that starts at the beginning is shown to start again at the end.

Suggestions for Improvement:

"specialist projected to the Aki flight commander," - for me, I don't need to know the flight commander is also Aki since the specialist was one. Would need to know if it was a different species or type of being, but if the same it's easy to guess.

“It is ideally suited to us.” - I like this but at the same time wonder if it should be "suited for us". Just something to consider.

"A wave of satisfaction spread through the Aki as they started the merge." - This is okay but I think there is a better word to use than "merge". Look around a little for something that would describe the action better.



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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227
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (3.5)
Image for contest made by Neko


Overall Impression:

It is short, which was a small relief after the almost 4k stories. However, the one big paragraph is a bit boring to look at. Readers like variety and not many will see a story in a single paragraph. Also, it helps the eyes and reading to have spaces separating into different paragraphs.

I do like the use of the prompt and even more the view of humans as not only ethnocentric but anthrocentric as well.

The word choices are pretty good. This paints a picture from the very first sentence onward.

However, I don't really get a story out of this. I think it could be expanded into a cool, sci-fi type of essay in answer to the questions of human existence and their meaning. But I don't get enough out of it when it comes to tale aspect. I just need more, something to follow and definitely more than one paragraph, even if there aren't many words.

Character:

No real main character. More of a look at humanity from an outside prospective than a story focused on a character.

Plot:

I can tell the point here is to follow the prompt and to have this sci-fi existential discussion. There isn't so much a plot as an answer to a question.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Title - While it's good to have the prompt in the item description, I think it would be better to not have it as a title. The question is meant to influence a story but it doesn't work as well as a title of a short story.

"It is the humans that are most powerful,  but they are not the most numerous nor the most powerful of earthen creatures" - To me, it seems odd to say they are the most powers and then that they are not the most powerful in the same sentence.

"Each human, one of six or seven million others, went about there lives," - a common typo, instead of "there" it should be "their".


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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228
Review of Lipstick  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

Nice title. I like it. The description is just lines from the poem.


Comments:

I like this poem. It definitely touches on a topic that is close to my heart. Nice to see a woman on woman type of poem. I need to write more since I often focus more on male/male even though I'm a woman that dates women. Odd, I know. I do like the darker version, as opposed to the one in light gray but have a few suggestions for this one as well.

While the title is lipstick, I am ashamed to admit when I read the gloss at the beginning I was uncertain. I don't wear makeup much but always considered lip gloss and lipstick to be different. But now I see that the title may be more geared towards the concept of a "lipstick lesbian". D'oh. lol

I don't know what C and N is, to be honest.

Imagery:

Nice images from the very beginning. I like the choice of coral for the coloring. It is simple and easy for me to visualize as an artist. Well done.


Favorite Part:

Her lover's lips are moist and eager.
Her coral lips respond.

ooo la la *Wink*


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

These are just my minor suggestions of what I think would look better.

"you queer." - With the cold harsh name, it comes off a bit odd to me to have "you". I think it would be a little bit stronger to just say "queer" or "dyke" (since dyke is more lesbian specific and queer is a very generic term with multiple uses).

"Fear,
aimed to shame two women" - I would combine these into one sentence. Leave the only one line sentence as the harsh name and have it move out again from there would give it a certain affect.


Great Poem and Keep Writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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229
Review of The Cowboy  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

Nice and simple title. It is what caught my attention when I was looking for something to review.


Comments:

Overall, I like this poem a fair amount. Coming from Wyoming, it is something that I can relate to even if I never was a rancher or anything of that type. The first and last stanzas are well done. The second stanza needs a little more work, however.


Form:

No specific form but it's not very consistent in the lines or the flow of the stanzas. Will mention more in the suggestions section of the review.


Imagery:

There are a few words choices that help with the images of the poem. It's not just a hat, it's a Stetson (a bit stereotypical but works for this piece). Adding sound to the snakes is another plus in the way of imagery because it places the reader more in the poem.


Favorite Part:

Stetson hat upon his head
'Neath the stars he makes his bed


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I had a hard time with six-gun and had to look it up. According to my dictionary it is just another term for six-shooter. I guess I can see how six-gun might flow better in this one but there might be other readers who fumble on it.

The second stanza doesn't have the strength that is in the rest of the poem. Each line is too short compared to the rest and none of them feel complete because of this. I would recommend adding more words to this stanza. Keep the same point in each line but add something to it to make it connect more with the rest of the poem.

Nice work and keep writing.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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230
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Initial Reaction:

Different characters. These aren't as interesting as the ones in part 2 nor with the dialogue as interesting. I have to say, out of the three sections I have read so far, 2 is my favorite. When considering all three together, it doesn't feel like they are all part of the same story, which might be problematic in the contest.


Setting:

Again, more focus on characters and dialogue with little to no real telling of their surroundings.


Character Development:

Two different characters, back from the first section if I remember correctly (I've been reviewing a lot so easy to mix up). These ones are not even close to being as interesting as the characters from section 2. They are okay, but confusing and a tad bit generic. Not much detail is given about them and I don't have the sense of them really developing yet.


Plot:

I'm not sure what is going on again. This now seems like a sci-fi story where as that feeling wasn't in the previous sections. I struggle with sci-fi yet love it and write it. Science intrigues me, but I have a hard time getting into the plot because the way the characters talk is very confusing. There are too many sentences in this one that don't make much sense and so it's hard to get the plot from this section.


Ending:

Is okay. Nothing special and has some errors.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Contest suggestions: You bolded the word animals. And while you were supposed to have an animal, the one that is supposed to be bolded is a specific kind of animal. Just like it had to be a specific kind of food. You do have an animal mentioned, so at least it follows the prompt but the "fishes" should have been bold and not the "animals".

Same spacing problem as the ones before.

"Brett said or rather he stated as a matter of factly" - Look up some resources on adverbs (ones that end in -ly). First tip is that they should when necessary, and rarely at that (it's ironic the only way to explain how little to use them requires the use of them). When it comes to a phrase, however, the word should not be made into an adverb. "matter of fact" is one such phrase.

Another thing to look up is the different rules for punctuation. Now Bretts starts "Not ready to take chances! There should be a comma after "now" and a comma after "starts". When you have a statement like that leading into dialogue there is almost always some form of punctuation before the dialogue part starts.

Word choices - again a problem.
"I didn't understand, what are you talking about" - Most people would say "I don't understand"

"See the thing is that some time back, somebody probably said the same things which you were saying just now. I'm using probably because I cannot exactly remember when was it said to me" - These sentences don't make sense. I have no idea what is being said.


Again, Good Luck.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
231
231
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Initial Reaction:

This section to me comes off much better than part 1 did. Even though it is far from perfect in sentence structures and the what not, there is at least a sense of character in this one. In spite of it not being an easy read I at least became some what interested in the plot presented.


Setting:

There are some bits of setting with the train station and the tea stall, but not much details at all. More would help to draw a person more into the scene and make things a little easier to visualize. I'm also one who focuses more on character than the location there are in so I understand not having it in there as it's something I need to work on as well.

The tea stall comes out of the blue and could be mentioned in a different way for us to know where the main character is located.


Character Development:

Ravi is becoming an interesting character. It is good to have one character as the focal point and point of view. Makes the story much easier to follow. There are some errors that make it a little difficult to get to know him in his manner of speech. But aside from that it does seem like a character that a reader would follow.


Plot:

There is some semblance of a plot in this one, which is a relief. I know that you have word count to worry about in this story overall, but when you do an edit also add more to the story. There needs to be much more written towards the end of this piece. By more I mean details. The mutants are a good example. What kind of mutant? I have no visual what so ever and so don't know what you mean by mutants. I have a story with mutant main characters and they are very human like but they are also the "good guys". It helps to give some description of what they look like to understand more what is going on.


Ending:

This could be a problem for you. It's really hard to pull off having the main character shot in the beginning of a story (and since this is section 2 out of 7 it's close to the beginning). The problem is that readers aren't going to want to continue reading if the character that they have been following, and they have the impression that they are the main character, gets killed. I know that his death is just an assumption because it hasn't been verified but it's hard to get past someone getting shot in the face.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

There are many things that need to be edited in this piece. I'm going to do a broad set of suggestions using a few examples.

Tense - This is written in present tense, which is a difficult one to pull off well in my opinion. Most people are used to stories being in past tense because a story is usually something that has happened as opposed to something that is happening. One error in this piece on the tense is whether the action has an "s" at the end of the word or not. Each works for different sentences.
Example: As the train is stopping down Ravi realize that cops looking for someone... In first person, it would have been I realize, but in third person it should be Ravi realizes.

Word choices - There are a number of sentences that either have the wrong word used or are missing a word to complete the sentence.
Example: Probably the shootout is not that bad thing at all! - this sentence would be better if written something like "Probably, the shootout won't be a bad thing at all!" Is not will work if changing to a bad idea, but other than that it doesn't work in the sentence.

Run-ons - There is at least one sentence I noticed that should be more than one sentence.
Example: Naeem and Ravi used to be acquaintances, knew each other through the common gymnasium but everything changed when Ravi bought some land for real estate with money borrowed from his uncles and other relatives and came to know Naeem, who is also a real estate developer has got this land transferred to his ownership with the help of corrupt officials. - This needs to be more than one sentence and maybe even three.

Another detail is that the paragraphs need more separation. Some of them are done correctly but when you add in dialogue then you bunch them together. There needs to be space because it makes it easier to read.
Example:
"Forget it Ravi"
"How can you see?"
"Everybody is watching you!"
"Who is everybody?"
"Just some people"
"Who are they?"
"Forget it Ravi"

"How can you see?"

"Everybody is watching you!"

"Who is everybody?"

"Just some people"

"Who are they?"

See the difference.


That's all I'll mention on this one. Again, good luck with the contest.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
232
232
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

I like the title of the overall story. Well done.


Initial Reaction:

I like how you added red to the bold for the prompts.

The first section of this story is like a cross between first person and second person. I have a problem with that to be honest. Second person is difficult to pull off because it feels like the reader if being yelled at or argued with in the story. The first person part adds to the confusion so I'm not sure who or what characters are involved in the story. Then it switches to third person and that is even more confusing. It's best to pick one and stick to it.


Setting:

No idea.


Character Development:

I don't know who the main character is in the section and so that is a bit of a problem. Can't see if the character is going to develop or change if I don't know who I'm looking at when reading the story.


Plot:

No idea yet.


Ending:

The ending doesn't entice the reader continue as much as you would want it to. The adverb as the last sentence makes it a bit rough.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Pick one viewpoint and stick to it.

"So what do you think what was I doing there?" - This is a bit of an awkward sentence and so it starts the story on a rough patch. As the first sentence of the story you really want it to stand out and be great. I'd change the second "what" in it.

Don't believe in "Karma" it has been propagated by the rich and the powerful - I'd put a period after karma and have the rest as a different sentence. Make it seem stronger that way.

I'm not going to list them all but you really need to figure out the sentences in the third person section. There are words not spelled correctly, a missing letter and such. There are sentences that are not separated by punctuation and the paragraphs aren't formatted right. Different character speaking should be in a different paragraph, all with a space between paragraphs.


Good luck.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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Review of Dream of Her  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

I do really like this title. It is simple and to the point.


Comments:

This is a different kind of poem. What I like about it is the concept, the story within the poem. I can see this as a real dream, whether it is or is not. I do think that the lines could be set up a little different but that is just a personal opinion as to the aesthetics of the lines.


Imagery:

The story is the image in this poem. Actions by the character within it stand out and the things that the person sees.

The ending is also very nice.

Favorite Part:

Of things difficult to embrace
Again come morning
Her words, erased


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

As far as the lines are concerned, the poem comes out short and choppy.

What I don't understand is the punctuation. There are two periods in the entire poem; in the first stanza and at the very end of the poem. I would say either add more punctuation or get rid of it all together because it doesn't make sense at this point.

Good Job and Keep Writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
234
234
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Hello there. Here is a quick review of the last chapter you posted in the group. Will miss your presence and good luck on your book.


The bigness came from her father. - I think that the "bigness" could be substituted with a better descriptive word. What kind of bigness is it?

This is a personal reaction, but when I read the Listerian Elves the first thing I thought of was "listerine". lol, minty fresh elves.

Hecate is a loaded name and sounds like a witch name. She's the Greek Goddess of crossroads.

In Elvan lore - typo, "elven"

I'm not sure on the capitalization of Witches and Elven. Since there are different types of elves then it makes sense with the Listerian Elves because it is a title of a specific race. But when it's just elven or witches, there isn't as much of a reason for the capitalization.

The Elves suffered a human presence - minor detail, as I think the "a" should be deleted or changed to "the".

I'm a little confused about the part with the condor. Why is it important? It doesn't seem to needed and distracts a bit from the rest of the story.

I really liked the poem part. Nice.

Might want to check on spelling. Is it Liope? or Llope? or what?

The vision is a little distracting. Is it to show what she is capable of?

Keep Writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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Review of Conversations  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

The title of this poem is very different. It doesn't give away the content of the poem while giving it a unique spin in the contest that the poem was included in. It is simple and I like it.


Comments:

I like this poem. Such a great collection of words combined to give wonderful images. The first paragraph is great. Although it is one of the longest (width-wise) that I've read lately, it became an enjoyable read. I see why this poem placed in the contest now that I've gotten the chance to read it.


Form:

This is a form that I'm not used to. It's very long and the lines are different, particularly the lines in the last stanza. It's long but I do like it.

The dialogue is a neat addition and well played. I would imagine that it could be difficult to get it to work well within poetry.

Imagery:

The imagery in some of the stanzas is amazing. The first stanza in particular with the use of colors and emotions involved. Emotions really come out as well as the images.


Favorite Part:

To put aside its widow’s weeds, its half-blacks and lavenders,
And today amidst the pink-orange crowning of a different dawn


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I love the first stanza but it feels like there is missing punctuation, maybe a period somewhere. I am not exactly sure where though.

Second stanza - I think that the first line at least should be "certain" instead of "certainly".


Congrats on placing in the contest and keep writing.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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236
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.



Title:

This is a good, creative title. Nice to see something other than the prompt for the contest that it was entered into.


Comments:

The image at the top of the poem is beautiful and adds to the reading of the poem. I like the poem overall and can see why it placed in the contest. It is well written.


Form:

I like this form. Having the description at the bottom is very helpful. I believe that you followed the form and did well with using it for the contest.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

The rhymes are well thought out and do not feel forced. I didn't even notice them in the beginning, which is a good thing. Well done.


Favorite Part:

Promises float, a mirage on display,
fading away leaving only dismay.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The first stanza, while designed to follow the form, feels not quite like an actual sentence. I think what could fix that is to change "running" to "run" and that would make it seem more like a full sentence. Otherwise, the sections of each line don't feel together.

Third stanza last line - "sans" is a term I had never head before. I get that it's poetic but with the line it's involved in, the reader may want to read it as "sands".


Congratulations on placing in the contest and keep writing.


*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
237
237
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Review from your soiree buddy.

Title:

I like the title. It tells exactly what the story is about and the description below it just adds to that fact.

Initial Reaction:

Overall, this is a really good story. There are some minor ways to possible make it a little tighter, but I do think you did a great job in writing this one. There is a lot there for the small amount of words. It has good pacing for the topic of a chase.


Character Development:

The character is well done in her emotions. The fear is easy to read. I get that she is a huntress from the title and the line in the second paragraph. There isn't really a mention of her having been on a hunt in the first paragraph, however.


Ending:

The ending is good. It is very tight. I like the last two sentences in particular.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

First, a personal opinion: The font type is difficult to read for me. I'm not sure what kind it is but I'd recommend changing it.

"She could almost hear their pant." - This line is weakened by almost. If you took that word out it would make it stronger.

"She tried desperately to continue on, one foot in front of the other, but the ground seemed to rise between each step." - Here I would rearrange a little so that you can get rid of the adverb. Maybe something along the lines of: Desperate, she tried to continue, one foot... Or whatever you want to do with it

"This time, however, she lacked the strength to move" - In this line I would cut out the however. I think it would be a stronger sentence that way.

The last two sentences are good but I wonder: Are they new paragraphs? If so then shouldn't they be indented like the first two?


Nice little piece of flash fiction. Keep Writing

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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Review of Discarded  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


Title:

The title is okay. It's hard to tell if it works with the story because I don't understand it.

Initial Reaction:

I'm rather confused. Is the main character hearing a voice? Kind of schizophrenic? I get that the italics are a different voice in some way or another but the story doesn't give enough detail as to what is going on.

The prom dress is an interesting take on the picture prompt. I never would have got that just by looking at the picture myself. A very different interpretation.


Character Development:

The emotions of the character are very well done. The dialogue is realistic and shows that she is very upset. You did well with this part.


Plot:

I'm not sure what is going on exactly. My guess is some guy she had just started dating slept with her and then didn't want to be with her anymore, but that is just a guess.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

These are more questions than suggestions.

A door opened, but alas, it was not the closet door
-what door opened? what is in the closet?

The telephone receiver - who is making the call? Who hangs up?

Who is the italic voice?


Keep on writing.

*Reading*Review submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid Item" !!*Reading*
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Review of High  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

I like this title. It's different and yet works for the topic. Well done since I know what experience this comes from for you.


Comments:

This is a good little poem. However, I would change the description. The feeling I got from that before reading the poem would be the look from someone who is on top down. Instead it turned out to be more of a someone near the bottom looking up. Might want to write it in a way that reflects the words of the poem.

Rhythm/Rhyme:

It has a decent flow and the rhyme scheme works well. No part of it comes off as forced, which is a plus.

Favorite Part:

It's a feeling I can't replace,
Just one touch, just one embrace.
You're so high up on your throne,
Way down here I'm all alone.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No other suggestions.

Nice job and keep writing!
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Review of We Arms  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Image for contest made by Neko


I like the introduction. As an attempting artist the character interests me. *Smile*

Consider contractions though, such as "was not" into "wasn't". It gives the paragraph a slightly different flow and moves things a tad bit faster.

“How we have reached this point” proclaimed Dr Pecoli over a large hall filled with the din of a hundred opinions “is an irrelevant if interesting argument.” - The dialogue divided like this is a little confusing and would work better put together.

"Winter was getting started." - This seemed a little out of place for me in the paragraph.

This is a good attempt at the prompt and I could see it clearly. I feel like there could be more to the story. It could use more to show the plot of the story.

The ending combines things together well, closing with where the story left off; the artist.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
241
241
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Image for contest made by Neko


What I noticed from the very beginning is the use of passive voice. It weakens the blow, particularly the first paragraph and you don't want that. On the other side of the first paragraph, you have some fun things involved. "alert faces of dancing daffodils" is great and could even be a line of a poem.

The path yelling is an interesting and unexpected spin.

"Mark didn’t know how but he was suddenly standing next to Jenny gaping at the bike path below." - this sentence is a little off-putting. This is a personal opinion but I'd rather have him jump away from the road than have him not know how he got next to her. Shows more that way.

I'd recommend cutting out some of the adverbs (-ly) words. At least for the paragraphs where there are more than one in them.

'“Well, speak up why don’t you?” the Blob asked.' - since it doesn't stay a blob I wouldn't capitalize it here. I know the reason you did since it's speaking but since that's not the name or anything I would just keep it lowercased until the name is introduced.

“You can’t be real,” Mark stuttered. “What are you? We must be…” his voice trailed of.
“Puffs the name,” the thing replied. “Puff the Magic Dragon.”
- space needed between the lines since different characters are speaking.

The "dragon" is an amusing character to say the least.

From "You’re obviously not a flesh and blood dragon who breathes fire and eats damsels in distress are you?” Mark curiously asked. “What are you really?”
to “Oh! That God.” Puff sputtered. “The one you humans created back in your infancy.” They could tell that he sounded very disappointed." there are a fair amount of "replied" "asked" "stated" but no other actions. Instead of speak script maybe input a little bit of action in this part.

"Puff could also tell from the reaction of the humans that he had somehow upset them." This is in the "dragons" perspective and not the characters the story starts in. I'd recommend staying out of puff's viewpoint.

he stated." Humans could not explain the things around them so they naturally attributed it to something more powerful than themselves.

The ending... I see why you wanted to have the dragon perspective earlier. It's tough to show a multi-third person. Maybe that could be shown more in the beginning by going in all character's viewpoint.

It's a story of conversation. Almost everything is learned in dialogue which is okay but there could be more added to the story to show in a different way.

If you've never read Alpha Ralpha Boulevard by Cordwainer Smith, I'd recommend you read it.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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242
Review of Twist Of Fate  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I like this one. The concept behind the words is great. The only problem that I see with it is the structure. Topic wise it is a great poem.


Form:

The lines are a little long and it would look a little better (just my opinion) if the lines were separated a bit and made into more lines. It would probably flow a little better and give the poem a higher rating that it deserves.


Favorite Part:

Then I'd still have your little piece of my heart and the only thing sufferring would be my art.


Keep on Writing
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243
Review of SD International  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is a nice little poem. I like how you used a familiar place, like an airport, in poetic form. It also has an interesting dynamic due to the fact that often times meeting someone at an airport is a happy moment, but this is bittersweet.


Imagery:

The descriptions are fun and easy to visualize.


Favorite Part:

Your arrival is departing

So sweet this release but full of sorrow from loves separation


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Is it actually "urethane"? The definition from my dictionary is "a synthetic crystalline compound used in making pesticides and fungicides, and formerly as an anesthetic." Just something that made me wonder.
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244
Review of The Classic  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I like the concept of this poem. Very nice. You do a great job with poetry and the method of displaying the story is very well done here. Movies and a romance, nicely done.


Form:

The double spacing looks a little odd, but it might just be because I'm used to the poems on here to not have the double spacing. It gives a bit too much break between each line.


Favorite Part:

Who yelled cut

Who pressed stop

Who directed us to end this way


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I'd get rid of the spacing between lines, but that's just me. You can keep it this way if you like.

Nice poem and keep writing.
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245
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


The characters are unique and the banter between them is fun to read. They have a good dynamic and I'm sure if the plot of the rest of the story matches that, combined with more description, it will be an interesting story. The last line is good and final.

First suggestion - do not capitalize all the words of the title and the description, it hurts the eyes a little bit.

Another is to put a space between paragraphs. Either an extra enter or click the little box that says double space when editing. That will make it easier to read.

“Willie, isn’t it enough trouble you’ve caused already? - this sentence is rather awkward. Something along the lines of "haven't you caused enough trouble already".

Mother ordered me to begin parking. - packing?


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
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246
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Interesting entry. The conflict is good and intriguing. This could be a good book, everything that leads up to this entry from what I can tell. The last paragraph is very good and a solid end.

I had a hard time telling if there was one main character or two. Most of it focuses on Franky, and that makes sense considering the title. But there are a couple of instances where it seems to go into Bill Parker's pov just a tad.

Warder? Is this supposed to be similar to a Warden?



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
247
247
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is a deep, sad little poem. I think it's very well written and like how it starts, building from the first line towards the last. Very heartfelt and poetic. You did a good job with this one.


Imagery:

Can picture the bruise.


Favorite Part:

It hurts when I touch it
but I can’t help myself.
I want to feel the pain
know it’s real
because it’s the one
I’m allowed to feel.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Not sure what you could do to make it any better. It is pretty darn good the way it is now.
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248
Review of Little Girl Lost  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I see what you mean about the off feeling. However, I must say the concept is great. Very good job at this poem. It'd be perfect if you figure out the off tone. But even without it, it's a good poem.


Favorite Part:

So now my hand is cold
and my heart is feeling old


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Here are some suggestions to consider.

In the first stanza, it might flow different if the "you are" ones are combined to be "you're".

The second stanza is what sound off to me. It seems to have a choppier flow compared to the first stanza with stronger lines that have more punch at each line instead of the type of flow together that it's the first.


Nice Poem
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249
Review of Cruel Love  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

Nice poem. I enjoyed reading this one. It has good use of emotions and is sad but strong.
The different stanzas are great, unique and a very nice touch. I like how this one is created.

Favorite Part:

I gasp, surprised---warm lips find mine,
unexpected, yet truly divine.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

causing my pained heart suddenly to race

instantly to shatter. - reword "instantly"

unexpected, yet truly divine. - would reword "truly" or delete it

as a cunning voice sweetly entices me. - Sweetly would be better not as an adverb

A smirk then appeared on that enchanting face,

he then walked away--vanishing from sight,



Good Poem
Keep Writing
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Review of The Skirt  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review connected with -
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It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Initial Reaction:

This is great. I enjoyed reading the story. Though, we have a catholic school in my old town in utah and their skirts aren't very short. I've seen a few of the girls come into the coffeeshop with their school uniform on.

Character Development:

I like the development of the character from the beginning until the end.


Ending:

Great ending. It's very nice and the long skirt is unexpected.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. Good job.
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