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Review Requests: ON
1,111 Public Reviews Given
1,352 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Kristi .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the ski image poetry prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.


First Impression:
Olympics ended up a common topic picked from a few different people in relation to the poem, between the prompt image and the timing that made sense. This one does well in trying to convey the excitement of the event while also using the prompt required.


Prompt:
*Check1* The prompt was an easy one to spot in all of the entries because of the nature of the image, even though it may not have been the most poetic prompt. There is skiing in the poem and that counts for the prompt. Good job.


Favorite Part:
Relentless practice ready to unfold
In Sochi, Russia my anxieties bold

I picked out these two lines because they are the very start of the poem and provide the set up for what is to come next.


Technical Elements:
There isn't too much to mention here. Most of the judging and such for the contest is based on personal opinion and what one person likes, another will not feel as warm towards. I don't have too many technical issues to point on in this short poem in particular, though. Just a couple things but again, mostly based on my reactions and opinion.

Striving for my golden rope. - Maybe I'm behind times, I haven't watched the Olympics in years, but for some reason the term "rope" threw me off a bit.

I'm not a fan of exclamation points used much in poetry or story telling, just a personal preference. And what I prefer even less is the use of all caps. I would have just left it like a regular sentence at the very end instead of having every letter be a capital one.

I also felt at a slight disadvantage because I am unfamiliar with the terminology used. While I can google and such to figure out Dynasters and such, it's a slight distraction when I'm trying to just read the poem. But again, that's based on my background and others will not have the same issues.


Final Thoughts:
A good effort at taking a ski image prompt and creating a poem. Nice work and keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Ski Rescue  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Legerdemain .

My name is Dawn, but you knew that already, and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the ski image poetry prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.


First Impression:
A good approach that clearly used the prompt, though isn't the poetic type I prefer on a personal level. It has action, some conflict and a clear use of prompt, which is all nice. I'm sure many others will enjoy it in particular. Skiing turns disaster and a rescue must be made.


Prompt:
*Check1* The prompt is easy to spot in all of the entries, which is the plus side of the image provided. This has skiing and even the orange aspect that was shown on the skiers in the picture, so that works for the prompt.


Favorite Part:
Strapping on skis
Slip on orange jackets
Ski straight and quick as possible

I picked this part because it showcases the prompt image the most, though really anything about skiing worked. But it's nice to see some who took the image and showcased it in a way the readers could catch on if they were aware of what sparked the poem's creation.


Technical Elements:
Not too much to say on the technical side. There isn't anything wrong with the poem really, or much to point out technique wise. It's mostly just a matter of opinion as it often comes down to in these contests.

A rumble above, his warning
Snow slide - Nothing wrong with these two lines but I wonder how it would sound if "snow slide" was changed to avalanche. Though that might be too big of a snow wall and snow slide (sort of like land slide) is more what you were going for there. Something to consider though.


Final Thoughts:
Overall, a good effort at providing a poem based on a ski image. While not a favorite of mine, I can see the effort made and appreciated the poetic approach taken in creating the item for the contest. Well done and keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Happy 2024! .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the ski image poetry prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.

First Impression:
I liked the poetic approach, more so than story methods, and this poem has potential overall. And it's a form I'm not quite familiar with, so that part also proved interesting. I appreciated that the information about the form was provided at the bottom so I didn't have to search around to find the details in order to write the review.


Prompt:
*Check1* It was a challenging prompt in many ways but also easy because one could tell whether a person used it or not in their poems. Since you have skiing involved and white snow, that pretty much covers all the bases needed.


Favorite Part:
The azure sky above immense,
below intense,
the white so bright,

I like the color choice used in the first line of this stanza long with the comparison to the two aspects, the above and the below. It put me in the world of the skier and that is a great thing to accomplish in the short poem.


Technical Elements:
The poem does appear to follow the format posted at the bottom. I'm not as familiar with the form but based on the information provided, the technical aspects of the poem look okay.

Not sure if It's because of the for requirements but at times the flow of the poem felt a bit off. Didn't quite have as easy of a rhythm to follow as others, at least when reading it in my head.

Also, some of it I got in connection to the title of the poem. I've been skiing and had my shins hurt and such. However, the wording of "skier's delight" felt a little out of the point of view compared to the rest. It is talking about their delight and such, that part is fine but feel it could have been reworded without the skier cause I think the reader can catch on to who it references and keep the whole poem appearing like they are thoughts of a skier.

Though sometimes the poem has a more nicely worded poetic approach whereas other lines seemed to go more for the joke. The azure sky is a nice bit of poetics while at the end the broken limbs concern is stated in a more joking manner. Gave a slight disconnect feel at times between a couple of the lines.


Final Thoughts:
A nice job overall. While it didn't make it as a favorite of mine, it was close and had the potential. Good work with the poem and keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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154
Review of Swept Away  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello ShiShad .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the ski image prompt. The challenge proved interesting, with the varied results and we appreciate everyone who made the effort to enter the poetry round. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.

First Impression:
A good attempt at a poem about a ski race of some type. I was a little confused with the switch from first person to second that happens during the poem but overall it was a nice effort made. The prompt didn't look easy for the type of item required and everyone made a good effort to use the image as inspiration, as this poem shows.


Prompt:
*Check1* There is skiing involved and that is all the prompt requires. While most don't just to ski topics when planning to write a poem, it was nice that the prompt proved easy to spot in every entry.


Favorite Part:
Just one more jump
In marble like snow

I picked this set because it has action and a nice visual element. Made me wonder what about snow is marble like and while it's a little distracting it's not so much in the bad way. it's more sparking a curious inquiry as opposed to the stall in reading other distractions create.

Technical Elements:
You did a decent job on the technical side of poem writing. I have only two things to discuss in this section of the review.

Punctuation - This is just personal preference. To me it looks weird to have just the period at the end of each stanza but some of the lines don't connect together as regular sentences. I'm the type who prefers either use punctuation how it is done in any other venue sentence structure wise or well don't even use it at all. Since you just use the period and nothing else, not even a comma, you don't even quite need it in this case. The space between stanzas provides enough of a pause that you can go without the punctuation. Though some may ask you add it in, and even more because they like to have the commas and such in order to indicate flow and breathing within poetry.

Point of View - Most of the poem is focused on the first person skier. They are trying to get down the slope, to make it through the challenge without crashing. Which then leads to confusion with the last line because it says "your winning speech". So either the person plans to lose and doesn't want to miss someone else's speech, or it needs to be "not going to blow my winning speech" but that's strange too. What speech is involved? Do winners of these events give speeches? Just had me a bit confused. Though I'm guessing in part it's because you needed something to rhyme with "reach" but still, would suggest either keep it all first person, or switch it to second and have the other actions be "you" too. That would make the short poem more consistent.


Final Thoughts:
Overall, a decent approach to a ski poem challenge that may not have been my favorite but it was a good attempt. Nice work meeting the challenge and keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
Review of Skiing  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lynda Miller .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest and taking on the challenge of writing a poem based upon the ski image prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.


First Impression:
A nice approach about a skier and the experience that taking part in the activity can have while done in a poetic form. It had a good start for me and some interesting twists once I got past the slight formatting issue that affected the reading of it for me. It's a nice poem in general.


Prompt:
*Check1* Skiing is involved, that is pretty much all the prompt requires. It was an easy prompt that way, one that any could see whether or not the poem incorporated it or not, even if one doesn't often think of skiing when they plan to write a poem.


Favorite Part:
Super packed
And on the track
Really cold

I chose the first three lines of the poem because they are the set up for the rest. I like giving something to get the reader into the scene and in this case, even though they are very short and could use even more detail, they do a decent job at starting the poem for the reader.


Technical Elements:
When it comes to poetry, I don't recommend double spacing for the whole thing. You do want a space between each stanza but the space between each line adds a slight disconnection between them and that isn't what you're going to want in particular. You want the lines of one stanza together so that they have that obvious connection. It's nice to have space at times but yeah, too much space will affect the reading as well, so that's something to consider changing later.

But I bold - This last line in the first stanza confused me. It works for the rhyme scheme because it has to rhyme with bold, but it doesn't make sense to me. What does "I Bold" mean really? Also, since the latter part of the poem is in third person about a she, the use of "I" and first person in this stanza makes things a little confusing overall.

While it does create a flow with the story line, the focus on the skier and struggles down the slope, I did also find that the second half of the poem doesn't feel as connected to the first half. The first has the more nature focus and poetic angle, but the second half focuses on the person and adds humor with the sneeze line. They do okay together but maybe one style chosen instead of both would have worked out better in the end. Something to consider at least.


Final Thoughts:
Not the top but still a good attempt made at not the easiest image prompt when it comes to a poem contest. Nice work and thanks for taking the time to enter the official contest for February. Keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Graham Muad'dib .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the ski image as a prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.

First Impression:
A nice poem in general. It has a pleasant overall approach when it comes to the poetics though the story isn't the most attention catching for me in particular.


Prompt:
*Check1* This was an easy prompt to see in any of the poems because as long as skiing was involved in some shape or form, the poem worked. The challenge came in finding a poetic way that caught the judge's attention out of the many other entries.


Favorite Part:
A wind-whipped hill of downy white,
Caressed by chilly radiant light

I picked this set of lines out because it's the very start of the poem. I like them because they set up the rest of the poem by giving us a pleasant, and poetic, scene to appreciate.


Technical Elements:
I am a big fan of trying different forms. I've helped teach a form class on WDC in the past and on occasion have tried different forms myself for contests or writing challenges. However, I actually recommend if doing a form that you post a little note at the bottom about the form used. You can even use it in a drop note so that it doesn't distract from the actual poem. Having it there also helps for the reviewer because they can see what you were striving to achieve, and not many may know of the specific form. Though I did google, so that was okay but it will help for others to have it posted somewhere at least a little information about the form used.

I think the part that stalled for me was the connection between the poem and the title. I expected a little more I guess, for it to relate to the title. There is the mention of "a father's eyes look on in pride" but the way it's worded comes off weird then because the poem and title are first person. So it would be their father and not just "a father" if that were the case. The title also came off weird to me because it's more of a third person approach, though in a way first would still work, but I kind of want the two to connect/relate a bit more (two being the poem and the title).


Final Thoughts:
A nice approach to a ski poem overall. I like the way it is going though had a little disconnect between the poem and the title. Overall, the result is good and came close to holding my attention overall even though it didn't quite end up as a favorite of mine this time around.

Nice work and keep writing.



Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Sum1 .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  [ASR]. Thank you for entering the official contest Short Shots round that had the ski image as prompt. This review is also in connection with "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+], which is a group I often review for on the site.

First Impression:
An interesting approach. While many focused on the skier point of view, there are a few (like you) that chose the pov of the mountain, which gives an interesting result. While I enjoyed the personification of the mountain, at times the rhyme scheme and the story telling method became a struggle for me as the reader. It wasn't bad but I just had a harder time appreciating the poetics on occasion, which is an aspect I consider when judging poems.


Prompt:
*Check1* The poem involves skiing and the relation to the image posted in the contest is easy enough to see. While an unexpected prompt for a poem round, it proved to be easy to spot in any of the submissions.


Favorite Part:
It’s so serene here, blue sky, powdered snow,
White lacey clouds grace the peaks, a valley below.

I picked this part out because it's a set up. We get a nice moment the mountain experiences. Sort of the calm before the storm/avalanche as there is the pleasant scene created and then we get the disruption. It sets things but to head downhill from there.


Technical Elements:
I don't have much strife in relation to the technical side of things with this entry in particular. I can't say that anything needs to be changed as it's a well written piece even though it may not quite reach up as a favorite of mine. The end rhyme didn't make me have to take a second look even though it ties everything together well. Something about frail and failed caused a slight stall when I looked at the poem with the technical elements in mind.


Final Thoughts:
Overall, an interesting approach through personification of a mountain that did well though didn't quite reach as my favorite poem this time around.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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158
Review of Unexpected Hunger  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm and thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie contest during round 99. I was happy the prompt of rejection and the challenge presented by one of my judges helped get in entries. Plus it's always fun to see people trying the genre when it's not something they are used to writing.


First Impression:
A good attempt and a start. With a little adjustment it could have been a bit more erotic but you did well in trying to write for Quickie, which isn't an easy challenge even for some seasoned erotica writers. The character was fun and easy to follow with some potential for more to the story later, pending how far you want to go in the story pool.

I really liked the title. Description doesn't grab me but I'm not big on the use of "you" in most writing things, but the title works really well.


Prompt:
*Check3* This worked for the prompt because the main character had recently gone from in a relationship to single with the bother's friends representing the chance to feel better about it. I like that approach because we see some minor strife though maybe she's not quite as heartbroken about the ordeal with the possible move on but in the short time frame and word count allowed that is okay.


Characters/Story:
The main character was a good choice for this story. We get to see some of her personality in the beginning and the laugh over "tumble" was a great bit. I chuckled too at the use of the term.

POV - While I get the reason for getting his point of view in this as well, I don't advise that much in a quickie because with less than 1000 words to write the whole story, it's often better to limit point of view. I've had a couple stories entered that do more and often times it becomes jarring or at the minimum a tad distracting. Plus it takes away from word count. If you'd cut out the slightly random skip to his pov (i consider any that don't give space or other indication to a change as random) then you would have had a little more word count to put into the sensual aspect of the story.

Story wise, it's a good approach. Though there is also an inherent disappointment that always occurs for the reader in a story where it was just a dream or just in the character's imagination. It's fun and good to see the spark afterwards, like there is potential in the future but at the same time there is a little "aww" reaction when she break out of her day dream. It has the start of a sensual scene, a possible moment that we find out is in her head, but with word count from else where, the pretend moment could be given more depth and heat.


Other Notes:
Here is for the random comments and things I came upon during the different times I read over the story. They are, like the rest, based off my opinion and up for grabs as to how you use them.

*Questionb*: how old are the characters? I figured they are over 18 based on the BMW comment and the contest requirement for "legal age" only but at the same time, the sound of the characters came off young. Not a big issue, just something that made me wonder as I was reading it so ended up curious.

The writing style in general is rather clean aside from the little head hop in POV. You did well here and I hope to see more from you in the future. Maybe not a lot of erotica but never know, you might have a saucier one somewhere in your future. *Wink*


Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep Writing.


an image made for the contests I host and take part in that are adult orientated


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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159
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings. I am reviewing your story today in connection with "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E] as a judge. Thank you for taking the time to enter the official contest.


Overall:
I like the idea behind this and the story that it implies. There is a mystical aspect to this story along with a religious that really showcases the world and sets up the conflict for a much bigger story. There is something big going to happen for the character being described by the family member and if that story is told later, I would want to read it. So, in short there is potential with not just the entry posted here but the rest of the story that it implied as well.


Title:
The title works though is a tad wordy for my personal taste. I do like that you give the reader and, in this case, the judge a heads up as to how this story is going to fit in the prompt with the title provided. Though there might also be other titles that relate to the overall story that would be good as well. Nice of you to have that it's a contest entry and the prompt, though might have been good if going that route for the description to list the title of the contest in case people were looking to read entries from that contest. Now that it's over, if you keep the item then you can change the description to hint more at the story in order to entice a reader to pick it as one they want to check out.


Prompt:
*Check5* The viewpoint character is the mother but the focus, her focus, in this story is upon her daughter so that works for this prompt. Both are interesting characters and will make for a great story as the short item here feels like an introduction to something much bigger.


Story:
An interesting story is implied within this story. I'm curious as to the world, the concept of the Keeper and even the religious aspect showcased in this entry. There is a potential of magic and other abilities along with the threat of tragedy to possibly come along with the responsibility of being the chosen one. Definitely has potential, though will have to compete against other "chosen one" type of stories.

Is this world similar to our own? I ask because I know the mother views her daughter as a child always, from a reading standpoint, if the Rainey character is going to be the main character in a story later, she would be a late teenager, almost adult by our standards, at 18 summers. The way the mother describes her though, makes her seem younger than that, at least to me. Now that the contest is over and word limit gone, you can show even more if you want to have fun with this scene. Maybe try and develop it even more, adding things in to showcase the world while keeping the interactions with the wisp in tact. See where it can take you.


Other Notes and Suggestions:
These are just some small notes and things I noticed upon reading the story a few different times. They are my opinion and can be used however you see fit. If there is any other writing for the story, maybe one focused on Rainey, let me know cause that is obviously going to be an interesting story that readers on here would be interested in seeing in the future.

Witton has the conning. No, I did not think it would be Rainey. - In this part, is it supposed to be "conning"? Is that like, he is able to con people? Or is it supposed to be "cunning"?

The cloud creatures whispers seem to surprise Abby. - This part felt a bit off to me. It's almost like we step out of the mother's point of view because we are being told that the whispers seemed to surprise her. But also, seem is a bit passive. Why not just go with the whispers surprised Abby?

The wisp settled on Abby, it sparkled as if speaking from within its mist. - This is later on in the story after the reader already knows the wisp and the sparking involves communication. So, the part about as if speaking isn't needed at this point in the story.

"You were there for her, and you know her best. Well she keep her heart, her love for everyone she meets, can she accept the quest that the Maker puts upon her? - just a minor one here, I'm guessing "Well she keep her heart" is supposed to be "Will she keep her heart".

She will stand to tall before her duties, fortified with the honor of her fathers, and she will not hesitate in her sacrifice for the good of all your children. - small detail here too. Think you just need to cut out the "to" in between stand and tall.


Nice work and keep writing.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings. I am reviewing your story today in connection with "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E] as a judge. Thank you for entering the official contest.


Overall:
An interesting, more of a sci-fi, approach to the prompt. I struggled in a couple parts but overall was interested by the characters presented along with the story line of this What a Character entry. Because in fact, the focal one proved to be quite a character.


Title:
The title is okay. Reminds me a little of the "sister's keeper" which I think is a book out there and maybe a movie, but in the case of the story, what you have here worked out. The description helps a little but it could do even more. To me, the sentence felt incomplete in the description even though on the technical side it isn't. I think I need a little more that's a bigger connection to the characters showcased in the story put into the description. Let it hint a little at what the reader will find when they decide to read the story.


Prompt:
*Check4* This is a brother telling us about his brother, so that fits the requirements of the prompt. Focal character and viewpoint character are not the same ones, so that is good. Nice work in following the prompt and finding a way to showcase the character more than just writing a description about the one being eccentric. I appreciated to be shown the character more than told, despite the wording of the prompt.


Story:
In general, it's an interesting story with some drama and a good focus on character. It started off a tad slow for me, but build up really fast. And once the momentum got going, it was easy to read along and be entertained by the whims of the one brother.

I must admit that I had a little believability issue with the plot. Like just because he studied neuroscience at John Hopkins, how does he have the ability to call in a favor with a DA?

The other, more glaring issue, is the desire to get his memories back. Based on the story, he doesn't have any memories from infancy to age 4. To me, not a big deal. I don't remember anything from before age 4 and I'm only 29 and have had nothing happen to affect my ability to remember. If it's because he wants to have access to the only memories of his mother, who died, then we need to see that in the story. Without the information of why, we get someone doing something crazy that could kill them for memories of being a toddler, which is harder to believe. So, it just seems a little motivation is missing, one for the reader to see for it probably is there with the characters, just not visible enough in this stage of the story.

However, I do like how you circled around the one comment, making it part of the ending. That worked out really well.

Other Notes and Suggestions:
This is the part for my other notes and any minor suggestions I might have come upon when reading the item a few times. They are just suggestions for you to consider and based off my personal opinion of the story and writing in general.

One minor issue here, in these two paragraphs:
"And that’s exactly what he did near as I could determine when he bought that black-market Q-44 quantum cloud computing unit.

Alan never needed a reason to do something. He would get an idea and just act on it. And ideas like his were dangerous. Once he got it into his head to hack the regional transportation loop and reprogram its scheduling to make it more efficient." - While it's fine, the flow of the story is mess up a little because while the first paragraph is in connection to the one before it, the second I have listed is the start of a different story and we don't get to the Q-44 one until later, which is a tad confusing. I see why you have it up there because the Q-44 links to the doing whatever he wanted part at the end of the paragraph above it, but I suggest either moving the line or adding something to it to get a better transition so we know a different story is going to come before the Q-44 one. I had to re-read that part to figure out the transportation thing had nothing to do with the Q-44.


Nice work in the creation of this story and in the character work done. Good job and keep writing.

Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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161
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings. I am reviewing your story today in connection with "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"  [E] as a judge. Thank you for taking the time to enter the official contest.


Overall:
Cute. I caught on pretty early but also could see how it was set up so that some readers may not get the hint right away, but the end will clue them in to this special brother. Although the story is more told than shown, it's a decent attempt that was easy enough to read and enjoy.


Title:
It's not bad for a title. At first, I wasn't too certain about it but as I read the story, it started to suit it more and more. I don't know if I'd be attracted by the title alone to read the item, though, so you may want to work on the item description. Having what you wrote it for is good but you can put "What a Character entry" and maybe use the rest to say something about the story that will make a reader want to check it out.


Prompt:
*Check3* Boy character talking about the family member that is his "other" brother. That worked out for me and followed the prompt, which by the nature of the wording ended up soliciting stories that were "told" more than shown. Nature of the prompt does have affects like that some time, but you followed the prompt so that is good in general.


Story:
This part has spoilers for those reading the review before the story, so fair warning, but of course Author, you are okay cause you know. *Wink*

It reminded me a bit of a movie I saw recently, Ted. Of course yours isn't as crude but the concept of the teddy bear as the best friend is used in both the movie and this story. That and the character has the same name, the teddy bears do, as both are named Ted. Plus they have a whole deal in the movie about Thunder, being afraid of it and how they were "thunder buddies" which meant the thunder couldn't get them. But it also played in part on the fact I could tell early one what the story was about, because I'd recently watched something involving a teddy bear.

The voice in this story is well done. It had a childlike sound to it even though the end it reminds the reader that it's an adult doing the writing and looking back at the times spent with the other character.

Even though I caught on rather early, I will also say you did a good job in how you worded things in the story, building up to the end where the brother is revealed as a teddy bear. There are a few parts in the middle of the story that hint towards the revelation but don't out right give it away. That part is pretty well constructed, so good job in how you wove the tale.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a couple of things that I noticed upon reading the entry a few different times. They are my suggestions on things you can work on for this or in the future and are based on my opinion, of course. And if you rework a little, or make any changes and want me to reconsider the rating, or give another review, just let me know.


Consistency in Indent: On here, you can indent if you want but you don't have to do so if you put a space between each paragraph. Either are appreciated and both work together. However, if you are going to indent then you need to make sure every paragraph is done because when it's just a section it makes the story look a bit unfinished. Uniformity in style is usually recommended for static items because it helps the reader and gives it a better flow, more professional appearance. Easy to fix at least.

Although this is fictional it still hits home as my favorite Teddy Bear still belongs to my family and I remember vividly enjoying having that piece of my family as I learned to be a part of the world. - This line is fine but I think that it needs to at least be part of its own paragraph if going to keep it in the item. Another option would be to separate it and put it down even lower as a footnote almost. Just a suggestion because I get why it's in the paragraph but the stating it's fictional might be better either not stated or put apart from the item, at least for me.



Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of 5.2.3 Obsenity  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with Team Weekly Quickie & Contest ...  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello there,

A friend on chat linked me to your writing articles and I perused them. They are interesting and I like what you are doing here. However, the article on obscenity to me felt a bit off. For a few reasons.

First is how it starts. Yes, it used to be that the standard was based off a judge saying "I know it when I see it." The way this article is worded makes it seem that is still standard in obscenity cases. It's a joke in most Constitutional Law classes now, along with the comic with "Justice Scalia to the rescue!" But not a standard.

Miller is the standard, which you get to later on in the article. But the portrayal of the case makes me wonder how much research was done. It's an interesting case if you think about it because the material being sent was advertisements for sex books and videos, including ones for monogamous married couples. The problem that Miller had was more they didn't do a "sign up and receive our newsletter" type deal. Instead, they sent it out to random people and an older couple that got the sex ad without requesting it were not happy. Miller lost in court too.

Most writers won't have anything to worry about when it comes to obscenity. And I say this as someone who has worked on gay male erotica including BDSM while living in Utah of all places. Which is the kicker, because the standard isn't the whole country. Obscenity is based off a community standard, so it is local.

Another issue of obscenity, and why it is rarely prosecuted, is that the state statutes and laws haven't all been updated, since well before Miller. Utah's is a good example (I bring it up in part from studying Communication Law while in Utah). They are way out of date and do not match the current standard set by the Supreme Court, which makes it a bit harder for them. Though I'm sure someone in their government wants to try more, they have a few annoying people in office who like to ignore court decisions when creating legislation but that's a whole different topic.

Unless someone is trying to write a book like Justine (which is by Marquis De Sade and involves rape on many different occasions, most can't even get past the half way mark when reading it because it's pretty offensive to many), most writers will not have problem.

And considering books like 50 Shades of Grey can be found in local grocery stores, I'd also say there is a little more room than your article implies.

Another thing that I think you should consider is using citations to state where you got your evidence since you are writing articles. Cite all your findings and put notes so the readers know where you are getting your information. That is important, especially if going for the nonfiction angle and if people don't know you very well, which will make them wonder why you are expert enough on the topic to tell them what is what. With the nonfiction pieces, this is a good habit to get into, showing your sources, even when posting on WDC.

The court has struggled with internet, trying to figure out the boundaries and where the law reaches on the web. I don't know what happened in the court case you listed (that would be another place to use a citation, to show where you found the court case) but doesn't sound like she should have plead guilty but that was a decision on the person involved, which may have been a mistake on her part but she had her reasons. However, that doesn't mean that writers need to be afraid.

Which is why I'm sending the review. While I'm not against writers being a little cautious (I know at least one who could use a little more plot in their sex based stories), as far as my studies on law show, it's not something to fear to a great extent and it doesn't seem to be as much of a dark area. If I could understand it at 16, I think many writers can when given the information about the cases.

You do have some good information here and I think with some work, and showing where the information came from, it could be even better.



Good luck with the toolbox project. Hope it goes well for you.



blue case sig created for me by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Twenty-Nine  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

Thank you for the entry you posted in What If and also congratulations on placing first. Sorry it took me so long to get the review out. I did really appreciate your entry as you are a good writer and it's always nice to have quality entries in a contest that showcase stories.


First Impression:
It was different. That is a good word for the story, different. Then again, you picked the genre mix I am the least familiar with so had less preconceived notions compared to like faeries in space. It used the prompts well, both the genre and the use of 29. I had wondered how people would incorporate the number into the story and was pleased at the different choices people made.


Prompt:
29 - *Check*
genre remix - *Check* enough for me at least. Interesting choice out of the genres but one that suits your writing style well I think. Though I do know you can write many genres having watched the Baker's Dozen competition that was held during the site birthday bash.

This worked pretty well for the contest in the context of the prompt. It's nice to see prompts worked into a story and not just told them so that they exist to please the judge. Think they all worked out overall in this one.


Characters/Story:
Male MC - He seemed interesting with the Twenty-niner concept and his goals in the story. He was an interesting one to follow and it's almost too bad that he doesn't last in the story. Though he does get a little more interesting when we find out things that the other main character didn't quite know about him and his possible plans for the future.

Not to say that she, the other MC, isn't interesting. I am sure she will have quite the tale considering the actions she takes at the end of the story.

POV jump - The reason to go to the female character is pretty obvious what with the male main character dying (I think that's what happens at least) but it was a bit jarring for me when it happened. But at the same time I'm glad you didn't just end with the one character's "end" because sometimes stories that do that feel a bit cheating to me. I struggle with what qualifies as a scene versus a short story and the main character dying seems like taking the easy way out at times cause of course their story ends. You kept it going despite that, though transitions in pov in the same story can jar a little depending on the reader, so I didn't mind in this case.

The story does pick up pace a bit after his death, which is good because it ties in the action/adventure angle of the prompt.

Other Notes:
Not much to say here in my nit-picky section of the review because you tend to have clean prose. The only thing I could recommend to tweak in the story other than maybe having more with the secondary character before the switch in pov would be to make cut out a couple of the -ly words early on in the story. They aren't bad but a couple of them may not be needed and would strengthen the prose just a tad more. The rest are fine, but a slight trim couldn't hurt.


Thanks for your entry. Congrats on winning.


image made by me for group affiliation


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Keeper of Secrets  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Fancy

Here is a somewhat quick review of this story you wrote for Short Shots. I hope it's in time to do a little help. I'm also doing the review in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
I like the title. It starts everything off and it's a good place to get things going, not to mention a way to grab a random reader's attention. The description is to the point though could put in the contest it's for if you want.


Initial Reaction:
Overall, it's a nice story. I did like it though it's what I would consider a bit tame as far as conflict is concerned. It was interesting that you chose to do it through one of the adult character's pov instead of the girls. Might be interesting if you ever feel like exploring to go back and write a different version but through the girl's pov instead. Could be an interesting writing exercise. By the time we'd gotten to the horse I had a good idea how the story would end and it went just as I thought. But back to the story at hand, the writing is solid for the most part though I have a few minor suggestions you could consider.


Setting:
Limited but for good reason. The setting is there in that we know there is a housing place and a place for the horses but we don't need too many details in this case because the characters are the focus. And we do get some details in certain spots and that's all the reader should need.


Character Development:
While the development is somewhat easy to predict, there is an easy to see development in character. At least, the little girl. The viewpoint character doesn't change much, she is just the one leading to the change and is the reason for it happening as it's her horse and she mentioned the secret keeper thing. So it all works out.


Plot:
Part of the character development really. The focus is on showing the girl that it's okay to speak again some day, to get away from the things from the past she has been through. We get the horse and it's a nice choice, using the prompt well. Could be different with a different viewpoint character but this approach worked okay to tell the story.


Other Notes:
I don't have many suggestions to make with the story because for what it can accomplish it does pretty much that. There are only a couple minor things that can be mentioned or changed unless actually rewriting the whole story. For how it stands, I just have minimal suggestions.

Adverbs and Weak Words - There are a few things you can delete in this story that will not change the meaning of the sentence but make it a bit stronger. Adverbs can be okay but are best kept at a minimum especially in a short story. It's something many of us have to work on in edits, me included. In some cases a slight change to the sentence can use the same meaning without having the -ly on one of the words but in other times it can just be deleted and the rest works fine.

Here is an example where I suggest deleting the -ly:
She crept up slowly as to not disturb the horses.

If you delete "slowly" and instead put where she is going up to in the sentence it would sound stronger because slow is a given when you use the word "crept" most tend to go slow when creeping up to something.

Or there is this one:
Tasha looked at Charlotte curiously. Sandra giggled.

It's not bad but out of the ones in that section, it could be reworded to take out the adverb. Like describing how she looked that made the curious aspect shown a bit more, and you do have a little room word count wise to add a little detail to the sentence.

Rest are up to you but I'd say cutting out about half the -ly words would help the story on the technical side.


other than that, it's a nice little story. While I can't say how it will fair in the contest I don't think anyone will say it's a bad one. The official contest is based off the decisions of 3 judges who all have different taste, it's hard to say what will win in any round. So, good luck and nice work writing to the prompt.



Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of On the Boulevard  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Endless Enigma .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
Satire is a challenge and when adding it to poetry it takes both the skill of the writer and the ability of the reader to interpret the satire elements in order for it to succeed. While I like the progress of the story presented in the poem, the women who has little but leftover bits probably taken from trash cans and how she gives that to the birds, it hard to say it's really a satire. At least, it's hard for me as the reader to interpret it that way because I'm not sure what aspect you are trying to criticize with the poem. Sure, it has that ending how she can laugh at the situation and keep going despite the only ones who seek her having no real caring about her, but it's not quite to the level that some will expect with the prompt.


Favorite Part:
Her vigilance reaps a feast to
share with no one,
but soon they come to surround her
like a train on a wedding dress.

This part is nice because it really shows her. It creates a visual with the dress part and once it's said that they are birds she is feeding that is even more so, though one could guess that is what it meant before it is even explained.


Final Thoughts:
Interesting approach with the poem. I like the topic and found the tale one that made sense, working with the approach of poetry. I do feel that some of the lines, particularly ones in the first stanza, end at random. Like there isn't an obvious reason for the pause that moving down to the next line provides. I liked the outcome even if it skirted the line as far as the prompt goes. It's a decently written poem and that you should be happy for in this case.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of Vicarious Living  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
An interesting approach. A fun part of these contests is seeing the different and similar approaches people manage to take to the same prompts. Top topics for attempted satire include reality tv, writing, government. Though satire is hard to get right for both the writer and the reader because it requires detecting a distinct type of humor. I can see it to a degree in this poem but it's not easy to spot, with me as the reader.


Favorite Part:
By choosing new surrogate careers each day,
We forget our occupations' mundane strife,
Reality T.V. is trendy today.

I like this because it makes a good point about many of us. We watch television instead of living our own lives and doing some of the things that we enjoy watching others attempt. And we can change what we see, the experience, with the changing of channels.


Final Thoughts:
Is it about just one show? I don't have tv, so couldn't tell if there was just one show mentioned or if there was more than one that just had similarities in point to them as far as the reality tv is concerned. Because I do know there are so many different ones out there that one could write about in satire. Just curious. The repetition I can see the purpose on it with the line about reality tv but at the same time, not a personal fan since it took up so much of the poem, that and I just don't care for repetition most of the time but it's a me thing, it won't bother other readers at all. And I do get the reason it was used here. It's got some funny aspects that will entertain others, especially those that are aware of the particular shows used.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of Praise the Writer  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
This was an amusing poem about writing, which was a surprising common theme of topic for a few different entries in the contest (writing that is, though all took different approaches). Satire proved a difficult challenge with the different form of humor that it requires along with the need for the reader to get the use of the genre. The inner reflection of people here on WDC is something I can see in this poem in use of the prompt.


Favorite Part:
Not sure how to explain this,
Your story just went south.
Truly, I have to disagree with you,
But I’ll try to watch my mouth.

There are a number of different fun parts in the poem. I picked this stanza because it's just after things turn south and start to get troublesome when the writer realizes they don't like that the reviewer isn't full of just praise for their item.


Final Thoughts:
For the most part, you did a good job with this poem when it comes to humor and flow. The dual aspect between writer and review proved entertaining. The last stanza is a bit rocky for me and I think it doesn't give it a solid enough of an ending. The rhyme scheme ended up creating an awkward wording with the very last line because really "What did I expect?" would sound better but then it wouldn't work with the rhyme from "rejected." Not sure how to reword it to make both work, less awkward phrasing and a rhyme that works, but if you can that would be great. But I liked the idea of the poem in particular. Because there are some who claim to want reviews, to want honest critiques but then when they get something in a review and/or rating that isn't "great" they have a hard time understanding it and instead reject what could help their writing. Nice work.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review of E-Mail  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Joy .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
Interesting choice for an attempt at satire within a poem, to discuss the dilemma of emails. We like getting emails from real people but oh the spam. And satire is a type of humor that isn't easy to pen, which made it a good challenge for the contest because it requires both something from the writer but also some ability from the reader to interpret the lines in the right humor.


Favorite Part:
Spellbound Pheromones, do I need testosterone,
Milk-a-Deal, Wazza Deal, five for one,
I've won a ton. Get the feel?

This part amused me. It has a good flow and a jest to it because I can think of some of those emails. And the rhyme notes throughout makes it have a good flow to it right here. Probably what helps me like part of this is that I recognize some of them, like the testosterone bit and the I've won, though there are many other options that could have been used too.


Final Thoughts:
It took me a few reads to really understand the poem because there were parts where I wasn't sure what was going on in the poem. Part of it may be that I don't recognize a number of the emails, or that I don't quite get the royalty reference to the main character. What servants are the reference in the beginning to? I don't quite know. While some of the jest is easy to understand, not all of it is the case. And it's not easy to tell if the jest works in a satire requirement. But it was consistent and had a good flow in specific parts. I can giggle at spots of it and understand the lament over the lacking of real decent email. At times I just need to delete and I can get why the character at the end does so then is left with the frustration of the experience.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Amalie Cantor - We Got This! .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.


Prompt:
Not an easy prompt, the satire poem. You took an interesting approach with the topic you created, the little story. While it's not always easy to interpret satire, I can say that I found interest in the Life in a Box and the question at the end worked to tie things together. But I'm left a bit puzzled at the end, uncertain by what happens so that it makes it harder to get to the point. Though I'm far closer in understanding this one than some others because I can see the tale of the box and the comparison between a safe life inside and the reality or lack thereof in the happiness.


Favorite Part:
Jenny adored her Life in a Boxâ„¢,
Pixelated paradise in the security of solitary.
Outsiders, they failed to recognize reality:

I like this line because it lays out an important aspect of the poem and the character. It's a good start to the poem about Life In a Box and the character's attachment to the protection from the outside world.


Final Thoughts:
Good attempt at the challenge. You wove an interesting tale, albeit not easy to tell on the level of satire, that a reader will enjoy. Thought I didn't quite understand the thread cut part. Did the one die? I couldn't figure it out. I just know that there is a loss of connection and she continues on in her safe little place with no real connection to anyone because she thinks that she can be happy living life without actually going out and experiencing anything. But that's a good point and what I guess to be the purpose behind the poem. The idea of hiding behind these computer personaes and saying this is life instead of going outside.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Writer_Mike .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"  [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest for June and I hope you had fun with the challenge of writing a satirical poem.

Prompt:
Satire, the prompt for the contest, presents a challenge for everyone who entered. It's hard with a poem to detect the tone, the hint to humor prevalent in the common forms of satire, shows like Saturday Night Live or movies like Scary Movie, for example. The nuances can be hard to detect when reading a poem. In the case of yours, the issue to a degree is it's believable as not satire. I could see someone being serious but that may be from my stress-filled days competing in policy debate. Which thus lies the problem. Is this satire or is it just a poem making a point about something political. Hard to say.

Favorite Part:
From dawn 'til dusk on our behalf they slave
to pass the laws that keep our country free.

This set of lines has a nice flow to it. The rhythm of the lines and words work along with the sentence that follows but I didn't post that one too. It also sets the tone for most of the poem.


Final Thoughts:
A good attempt at a satirical poem to show of a commentary on one type of current political atmospheres. Didn't quite hit the mark for this judge but did write a decent poem. In some ways I could say yes, the poem is right. It's a stressful pain to spend a career writing public policies. On the other hand, I can say the same in jest like "it's such a stress filled pain to write policies with court's making decisions that don't allow what I want to enforce." One is serious, one is closer to satire because of the jest, or at least my interpretation but I may be off on that scope. How you showcase which it falls will affect the reader but the reader's personal background will also effect the result. Good attempt nonetheless.


Keep Writing


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there, speakcrone

I am reviewing your short story today in connection with the Angel Army and in a crazy bout of reviewing that I have going. I found your item on one of the things to read pages on the site and decided to offer my review.


Title:
The title is what drew me in to read the item. I didn't really even look at the description of the item when I decided to read it because the title was enough for me. However, the intro part is an interesting wording to describe about the story the reader will be deciding to read or not. Both work and are good to have.


Initial Reaction:
Interesting. For some reason it reminds me a little of a story I was supposed to read in college that involved yellow wallpaper but that's more because both mention a house involving the color yellow and that's about it (I never actually read the story back then). I like the idea behind this little story and the character because there is a strangeness to the focus on yellow houses that is appealing.

However, I will also say this does look like a rough draft and it needs some work. I will get to that in the other notes part of the review but the rating will be a reflection of the current state of the story, which is a start but needs a fair amount of work on the technical side.


Story/Character:
I like the idea of the story. The character who focuses on this one type of house, who imagines that it's a happy place, a grass is greener on the other side type of situation. It's something that many readers should be able to relate to because we are often looking out at others, assuming things are better and comparing. You take a good approach with this story and readers will be able to enjoy that with some editing done to help showcase the story better with some fixing of sentence structures. The character, done in first person, works well and the reader will be able to connect to the idea created from this one.


Ending:
The ending is good. While the sentence structure has the same issue as a number of the paragraphs in this story does, there is a good approach taken. The whole story has this focus on what the character wants and then they discover something by the end. There is a surprising development that works well with the story. It was a good choice to go that route with how you ended the story.


Other Notes:
These are the more technical notes. Some things I recommend working on in an edit/rewrite of the story that will make it stronger and help with the technical issues that currently exist. These are just my suggestions based off personal opinion and knowledge in writing. Hope that it helps you with your story.

First paragraph: This is okay but there are a few things that I would like to recommend that would make the start of this story a bit stronger. You want the first line and the first paragraph to both grab the reader's attention and make them have the desire to keep reading the rest of the story. I think the first sentence could be reworked a little to strengthen it and it may just be as simple as making it two sentences instead of having the comma. Also there is the line after it that needs some work.

I first saw it down the street when I was nine , it stood out,like a ray of sunshine, you know the one, the big yellow sun with a smile in every picture I drew, it made a statement it was much so prettier than mine. - This is a few sentences put into one and becomes a run on sentence. You have a couple points in here. First is about the fist yellow house, then there is the part about the yellow sun you drew as a kid, then it goes back to the yellow house but the end part gets confusing cause it sounds like it could be about either the sun or the house. I suggest this:
I first saw it down the street when I was nine. It stood out like a ray of sunshine but the kind of sunshine like the ones I drew as a kid with the big smiley face on it. The house made a statement with its bright, cheerful color amidst its bland neighbors... and continue on from there. That is just one suggestion and I'm sure you can find other ways that are just as good to beak up the sentence.

In fact, this seems a common issue in this story: run on sentences. You might want to do a little research on run-on sentences, how to spot them and ways to reword things to avoid them in the future. One on occasion in a story can work but more often the story becomes better when they are fixed.

Another example is here: Then Bam it was a rainbow for my eyes, I thought wow, just like the ones I used to draw I bet the inside is like no other, filled with staircases of candy-canes, and licorice sticks wind the stairs, so many toys, and paints and colors I could bathe in and never grow tired or bored or made to conform..I thought as a kid..I'm in heaven..this is where I belong in the yellow house, not mine.

You have it as one sentence (the .. doesn't count as the end of a sentence, and there should be a third dot if you are going to use that form of a pause because ".." doesn't mean anything but "..." does) but it should be way more than one sentence. You need punctuation after "Bam" (which doesn't need capitalized) and in a rare case could even go with an exclamation mark there. Then capitalize i in "it" followed by change the comma after "eyes" to a period. Comma after thought and either italicize or add " marks to "wow, just like the ones I used to draw." Have the rest be its own sentence about the candy-canes and licorice. Change "conform.." to just "conform." Don't need to do the double or even the triple period in that case. "I'm in heaven" should have the same method as the other thought, either italicize or quote. And really change all of the ".." parts to just single periods.

I won't pick apart the rest of the paragraphs because most of them have a run on sentence in them that need work. I'll leave it up to you to work out if you decide to rewrite this story. It's something you should consider but will take a lot of typing on here and I don't want to overwhelm by showing ever single issue in this section.



If you do a rewrite and want me to re-rate/re-review the story then let me know. Because while I do think it needs work, there is something cute there within the story and you can make it shine if you put the effort to developing it from the rough draft stage to a finished product. Nice idea, good work producing something to show on the site and keep writing.



Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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172
Review of Into The Woodland  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Samberine Everose

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Works for the poem. It is interesting enough to draw my attention, not overdone so that it's not trying to be too creative and thus push away instead of interest a reader. It's also open enough that the poem had many options for direction, which is a good choice to make when titling a poem.


Overall Impression:
Nice little poem. I found it when I was searching through some of the read pages around the site and the title drew me in. Once I saw the poem, I had to read the rest and give it a review. And I do like it. While I have a number of small things to suggest in the suggestions part of the review, I do like what you have hear and the whimsical approach you took with the poem. There is something imaginative here, like the description mentioned, and that is fun.


Imagery:
There are some fun, creative images that this poem showcases. It's a bit strange and that's part of its charm. The fireflies, sparkling embers and glowing spring flowers all create a fantastical image for the reader and one others will appreciate.


Favorite Part:
Sparkling embers, bewitched my eyes,

Not that the other lines aren't good, but I like the imagery of this line in particular and the idea of the floating embers that sparkle. The line showcases some of the whimsy and personality in the poem.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
This is where I get nitpicky and offer my suggestions on things you could edit in this poem. They are based on my personal opinion and knowledge in writing. Hope that this part can help you develop the poem, which is a good start of something that once tweaked will be even better.

Echoes were sung, beneath the leaves of every trees, - I would suggest that because of the use of the word "every" that you change "trees" to "tree". Every points to the singular even though you are discussing more than one tree. That or you could delete the word every, but it would change the flow of the line a bit.

Like chimes that dance and blends with the wind, - This is okay but I recommend changing "blends" to "blend" because it matches with the tone that "dance" created in this line.

Fireflies surrounds me, and warmth my cheeks, - This line is a bit... off. I think part of it is that "surrounds" should be "surround" (It would be a firefly surrounds me, or fireflies surround me, but only one of the two words ends with an s). The other part has to the with the end of the line, "and warmth my cheeks," because there seems to be something missing. It sounds incomplete, that or "warmth" is an incorrect word choice. You could say "warms my cheeks" as in the fireflies warm your cheeks. You could also go with "warmeth" but it's not really a word and some might wonder why you added the "eth" part.

Leading me to leap in their wings,who lift. - Minor detail here too. Space after the comma but also, it feels incomplete. I can guess that it means they lift with their wings and it's you they are lifting but something is missing in the line at the end.

Now I have much freedom to fly so high, - This line is okay and you could keep it how it is, but I do think that it could be tightened up and made even better. The words "much" and "so" are used to enhance the words they are near but in the end they actually weaken the sentence. My suggestion is to change "much" to "the", cut out "so" and add something to the end to finish the thought. Or I'm sure you can find another way to fix the line too that works just as well.

Those flies softly plunge me, in a gem with silk, - I like parts of it but I think you should change "flies" to "fireflies", maybe even say the instead of those in the line because it's more consistent with the previous stanza. Flies and fireflies have different connotations to enough of a degree that it's good to keep to the one in the poem.

I saw a beautiful fairy, and gave me a wish. - This line... I don't know. It's nice in that there is a fairy and I like fairies but it doesn't have a strong, this is the end of the poem feel that it needs. The second part of the line is confusing to a small degree because you are the actor in the start of the sentence but the actor technically would be the fairy in the second half but that's not quite how it's written. I would, if not rewriting the line entirely (which you could consider doing), at least add in a "he" or a "she" before "gave" to help fix the line. But really a rewrite to something a bit clearer and more final would be a good option because the ending line of a poem is vital and needs to leave a lasting impression on the reader.


Nice work with this poem. If you edit it by chance and ever want a re-rate/review then let me know. Keep writing!


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
173
173
Review of Blinded Art  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Zoe Ross

I'm Dawn and I found your poem in the searching for items to review and the title caught my attention. Thanks for sharing the poem on WDC.


Title:
I liked the title and the description of this poem. It caught my attention and made me want to read it, which is what you want from the title and the description. Well done there.


Comments:
I liked the use of color here. It makes for an interesting poem that is a little different but at the same time quite poetic. It reminds me a little of this poem I knew in high school that talked about a child coloring flowers different colors than the expected ones. I put a number of colors into a poem once and liked the outcome, yours does well in that you took the colors and put them to good use in this case. And I also must admit that I appreciate the mention of the color but that you didn't use colored font in the poem.


Form:
Nothing specific though it's a common form of 4 lines per stanza and a rhyme scheme of abab cdcd efef.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
This poem does okay with the rhythm and rhyme scheme. However, lines 2 and three are a bit off rhyme wise because green and seem don't quite rhyme, at least not in the same end rhyme that the rest of the lines use. The rest work pretty well.


Imagery:
This is where the colors really help because I can imagine them. I can picture the green sky with pink clouds in it, or the lilac sea and blue sand beaches. Creative images that I personally enjoy and even makes me want to put such into a painting some day.


Favorite Part:
The sea is lilac,
And the sand is blue,

I like a good percent of the lines in this poem actually but this is a good example of a spot I loved and one I can easily say why. The image that it creates in my end is fantastic. I can see the lilac waters as they flow toward the blue sand. Very nice.


Conclusion:
Overall, good job with this poem. I enjoyed it. Keep writing!


blue case sig created for me by Kiyasama


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
174
174
Review of The Gaiman Story  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello SteinFussel

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Different approach because it's not so much focused on the content of the story but the inspiration.


Initial Reaction:
Very nice. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman though I've only read a couple of his books so far. I don't get BBC, or well any channels, so I am not familiar with the opening that inspired the bit of flash fiction but I could still appreciate the story. You did a good job with this tale and by the time I got the end, which didn't take too long cause it's short, you had sparked my interest. I enjoyed the story and could read more.


Character:
Interesting. He's not a strong, reader gets to know them type of main character but you are working with limited space and the plot is a bit more important in this case than the details of the main character. He is the vehicle for the story but focus isn't on him but what is happening around him and the mystery that isn't solved.


Plot:
Very nice. While it's inspired by a different writer, the story stands well on its own and the plot has a great moment near the end in this very short piece. There is kind of that "dun dun dun" (that music used in some tv shows when something worsens and the mystery increases) moment created when the reader learns more in the story. Well done.


Ending:
The ending works. It is enough, even though we don't know what happens as the mystery isn't solved, to make it feel complete in a strange way as a flash fiction story. On the other hand, it also would work if you wanted to expand the story and make it longer. You catch the readers attention and I wouldn't be surprised if others wanted to read more to find out what is going on, to solve the mystery.


Other Notes:
I don't have much in the way of notes here, as you did a good job writing this story. This part is where I give suggestions based on my point of view. Hope that it helps you and if you don't agree with something, you're the head of the keyboard. So, here is the little bit I have to offer. At times the voice does get a bit passive in this small story. It's not too bad and if you left them in I don't think it'd deter people from reading the story but if you were looking to develop or edit the story there are a few sentences that could be strengthened by making them more active.

A man was standing on the pavement, looking straight at him, mouthing words. - See, this is okay but I think if you reworded it that it could be a stronger sentence. If you could remove the "was" I think it would sound a bit better. Something more like: A man stood on the corner, staring straight at him and his mouth moved forming inaudible words... okay, maybe not quite that but you can get the idea and create something better.

For some reason, that he could not imagine, that man looked unusually pale like all color had been sucked out of him. - Here, the first half of the sentence is weak because it gives some random thing that the pov character doesn't know. Instead, cut out "for some reason that he could not imagine" part and just say the man pale man looked as if all the color had been sucked out of him. Or something along those lines.

Have you considered putting when he first sees the photograph to say there were 8 guys in it? Just curious because in the beginning the wording is there are "several". I mean, I understand that it might be done to keep the reader in the dark a little but since there is a limited time between him saying there are 7 and realizing the difference from before, it's okay for the reader to catch on a mere second before the MC. I think it would work either way.

Oh, also if you would like more to read it, you might consider giving the static item a content rating. That might help because then people could find it in searches and such. I'd say 18+ would work fine for the story.



Anyways... Nice work on this story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
175
175
Review of "Going Nowhere"  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Sca

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I have gone through and reviewed something from every student in the class and now it's your turn. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title works for the poem. The description is nice in that it tells what the poem was written for, the poetry class, and the form used. If you're going to keep this poem for a long time and edit, you could consider adding something about the poem content in the description too. But if not then it's fine this way too.

I do recommend taking the title out of the body of the poem, especially if you keep the spacing this way. You might be able to leave it in if you change the spacing on the rest of the poem but leave the spacing between the title and the poem itself. Right now it looks like the title is the first line, especially since you put punctuation in the title, which also isn't needed.


Comments:
A good attempt. I am guessing that poetry isn't your top writing preference but it's good you were able to take the class in PDG and get the forms done. And you did go for witty with this little poem, which is something recommended in the form description that I have. So, you worked to embrace the form, which was nice to see. Even if it's not your forte, it's good to learn from a different type of writing every now and then.


Form:
Triolet - From what I can see, it looks like you followed the form well. It has the right rhyme scheme and line repetition required.

I recommend putting a note at the bottom of a poem (you can use it in dropnote form if you check out the writing ml tips) about the form used. I've seen it both ways and either works. You want a little space between the end of the poem and the form description so they can take in the poem on its own. But having it there will help because some readers will be interested in knowing (especially those reviewing) about the form to see how the poem follows it but not all of them will want to take the time and search for the information on their own. If you do it in dropnote then they have to click on the link for the info to drop down, that way it doesn't distract from the poem itself but is available for those that are interested in finding out about it.


Other Notes:
There are just some suggestions based on my knowledge and opinion of poetry. You can take what you think will help improve the poem if you decide to keep it in your port and leave the rest behind. I just have a few technical comments as the content of the poem is fine.

Spacing - In poetry, every line, pause and even space between the lines has an influence on how the poem is read. While with stories I think more people need to put spaces between paragraphs than do, in the case of poetry, I don't recommend putting a lot of space, especially between single lines. There should be at least one space between each stanza (which is a group of lines) but a space between each single line isn't needed and in fact messes with the flow of the poem. By putting the amount of space you have between each line of the poem it causes the reader to have very large pauses while reading it, ones that aren't needed. So, I suggest putting it all into one stanza, no space between and no using the doublespace feature that is available on static items. It will help the poem in rhythm and appearance.

Punctuation - The commas do help in the poem, however, I do think that the punctuation could be reworked. I am a fan of either no punctuation, or following all the punctuation rules and using every single one needed based on the sentences used in a poem. I don't recommend to anyone the middle ground where it's some punctuation used and not always the ones one would think would be needed. There are a few changes you could make in this poem punctuation wise besides the one I mentioned about the title. For example, if you're going to use punctuation at all in the poem, I would recommend putting periods at the ends of each sentence (not line but sentence, as those differ) and in particular at the very end of the poem. You can put commas at the ends of lines if they are needed in the sentence but if that spot in the sentence doesn't need a comma then it's not needed just because it's the end of the line either. The moving from the one line to the next works as enough space in most cases for a reader. Or... you can remove all of the commas and use no punctuation. Granted some people will comment about how they think it needs punctuation, but I think this one would be okay without any.

If you edit this poem and want a re-review/re-rate, then let me know and I'd be happy to look at it again.



Overall you made a good effort with this poem and produced a cute little bit about a dog and a donkey. Nice job and I hope you keep developing your skills as a writer.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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