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Review Requests: ON
1,115 Public Reviews Given
1,356 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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176
176
Review of The Gaiman Story  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello SteinFussel

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Different approach because it's not so much focused on the content of the story but the inspiration.


Initial Reaction:
Very nice. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman though I've only read a couple of his books so far. I don't get BBC, or well any channels, so I am not familiar with the opening that inspired the bit of flash fiction but I could still appreciate the story. You did a good job with this tale and by the time I got the end, which didn't take too long cause it's short, you had sparked my interest. I enjoyed the story and could read more.


Character:
Interesting. He's not a strong, reader gets to know them type of main character but you are working with limited space and the plot is a bit more important in this case than the details of the main character. He is the vehicle for the story but focus isn't on him but what is happening around him and the mystery that isn't solved.


Plot:
Very nice. While it's inspired by a different writer, the story stands well on its own and the plot has a great moment near the end in this very short piece. There is kind of that "dun dun dun" (that music used in some tv shows when something worsens and the mystery increases) moment created when the reader learns more in the story. Well done.


Ending:
The ending works. It is enough, even though we don't know what happens as the mystery isn't solved, to make it feel complete in a strange way as a flash fiction story. On the other hand, it also would work if you wanted to expand the story and make it longer. You catch the readers attention and I wouldn't be surprised if others wanted to read more to find out what is going on, to solve the mystery.


Other Notes:
I don't have much in the way of notes here, as you did a good job writing this story. This part is where I give suggestions based on my point of view. Hope that it helps you and if you don't agree with something, you're the head of the keyboard. So, here is the little bit I have to offer. At times the voice does get a bit passive in this small story. It's not too bad and if you left them in I don't think it'd deter people from reading the story but if you were looking to develop or edit the story there are a few sentences that could be strengthened by making them more active.

A man was standing on the pavement, looking straight at him, mouthing words. - See, this is okay but I think if you reworded it that it could be a stronger sentence. If you could remove the "was" I think it would sound a bit better. Something more like: A man stood on the corner, staring straight at him and his mouth moved forming inaudible words... okay, maybe not quite that but you can get the idea and create something better.

For some reason, that he could not imagine, that man looked unusually pale like all color had been sucked out of him. - Here, the first half of the sentence is weak because it gives some random thing that the pov character doesn't know. Instead, cut out "for some reason that he could not imagine" part and just say the man pale man looked as if all the color had been sucked out of him. Or something along those lines.

Have you considered putting when he first sees the photograph to say there were 8 guys in it? Just curious because in the beginning the wording is there are "several". I mean, I understand that it might be done to keep the reader in the dark a little but since there is a limited time between him saying there are 7 and realizing the difference from before, it's okay for the reader to catch on a mere second before the MC. I think it would work either way.

Oh, also if you would like more to read it, you might consider giving the static item a content rating. That might help because then people could find it in searches and such. I'd say 18+ would work fine for the story.



Anyways... Nice work on this story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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177
Review of "Going Nowhere"  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Sca

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I have gone through and reviewed something from every student in the class and now it's your turn. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title works for the poem. The description is nice in that it tells what the poem was written for, the poetry class, and the form used. If you're going to keep this poem for a long time and edit, you could consider adding something about the poem content in the description too. But if not then it's fine this way too.

I do recommend taking the title out of the body of the poem, especially if you keep the spacing this way. You might be able to leave it in if you change the spacing on the rest of the poem but leave the spacing between the title and the poem itself. Right now it looks like the title is the first line, especially since you put punctuation in the title, which also isn't needed.


Comments:
A good attempt. I am guessing that poetry isn't your top writing preference but it's good you were able to take the class in PDG and get the forms done. And you did go for witty with this little poem, which is something recommended in the form description that I have. So, you worked to embrace the form, which was nice to see. Even if it's not your forte, it's good to learn from a different type of writing every now and then.


Form:
Triolet - From what I can see, it looks like you followed the form well. It has the right rhyme scheme and line repetition required.

I recommend putting a note at the bottom of a poem (you can use it in dropnote form if you check out the writing ml tips) about the form used. I've seen it both ways and either works. You want a little space between the end of the poem and the form description so they can take in the poem on its own. But having it there will help because some readers will be interested in knowing (especially those reviewing) about the form to see how the poem follows it but not all of them will want to take the time and search for the information on their own. If you do it in dropnote then they have to click on the link for the info to drop down, that way it doesn't distract from the poem itself but is available for those that are interested in finding out about it.


Other Notes:
There are just some suggestions based on my knowledge and opinion of poetry. You can take what you think will help improve the poem if you decide to keep it in your port and leave the rest behind. I just have a few technical comments as the content of the poem is fine.

Spacing - In poetry, every line, pause and even space between the lines has an influence on how the poem is read. While with stories I think more people need to put spaces between paragraphs than do, in the case of poetry, I don't recommend putting a lot of space, especially between single lines. There should be at least one space between each stanza (which is a group of lines) but a space between each single line isn't needed and in fact messes with the flow of the poem. By putting the amount of space you have between each line of the poem it causes the reader to have very large pauses while reading it, ones that aren't needed. So, I suggest putting it all into one stanza, no space between and no using the doublespace feature that is available on static items. It will help the poem in rhythm and appearance.

Punctuation - The commas do help in the poem, however, I do think that the punctuation could be reworked. I am a fan of either no punctuation, or following all the punctuation rules and using every single one needed based on the sentences used in a poem. I don't recommend to anyone the middle ground where it's some punctuation used and not always the ones one would think would be needed. There are a few changes you could make in this poem punctuation wise besides the one I mentioned about the title. For example, if you're going to use punctuation at all in the poem, I would recommend putting periods at the ends of each sentence (not line but sentence, as those differ) and in particular at the very end of the poem. You can put commas at the ends of lines if they are needed in the sentence but if that spot in the sentence doesn't need a comma then it's not needed just because it's the end of the line either. The moving from the one line to the next works as enough space in most cases for a reader. Or... you can remove all of the commas and use no punctuation. Granted some people will comment about how they think it needs punctuation, but I think this one would be okay without any.

If you edit this poem and want a re-review/re-rate, then let me know and I'd be happy to look at it again.



Overall you made a good effort with this poem and produced a cute little bit about a dog and a donkey. Nice job and I hope you keep developing your skills as a writer.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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178
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings LdyPhoenix .

My name is Dawn and I am reviewing your survey to explain in part why I picked it for the short stories newsletter I wrote. I found the item by searching for characters because of the topic I had chosen. Having showcased the survey and answered the questions myself, this is the last step. Reviewing what you have created here.


Title:
The title is nice and draws people in to the item. Though I will say I didn't quite get the emphasis that existed in the questions on identifying with the main character, but that's okay. The description helps with this factor and the question in the description is the big one.


Overall Reaction:
I liked the survey overall. It did have a bit more of focus on identifying with the main character on a personal level but that is a good question to ask writers and readers. While I don't need characters to be like me, there has to be some connection, interest, or other reason to read about them, especially in a longer story like a novel.

The layout is simple and well done for a survey with the types of questions presented in ways that a reader will understand. I like that you kept it simple with not much frill. No writing ml or emoticons needed here. It gives it a little bit more of a formal feel but that is a good approach in this situation.


Other Notes:
I don't have any editing or other notes available. I know the item was made years ago and that's okay in this type of item because even if you aren't collecting the responses anymore, the questions are ones I think many need to consider when they think about writing. I know a few who could use some focus on character before they write a story. Something like this can help them see some factors a writer can consider when trying to write a relateable character. I hope others will take your questions on character into consideration.

Thanks for having and keeping this item in your port. Hope the answers over the years have proven useful to you and the people who answer the survey.


blue case sig created for me by Kiyasama
179
179
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Andrea . I came across your In & Out activity back when I searched for character items to feature in my first official newsletter. I am also review this fun little question as part of "The WDC Angel Army"  [ASR]. Thanks for sharing this great little thought provoking activity.


Title:
This works. It draws the person in because it's something that anyone who reads novels may have considered in the past and tells them they can share their thoughts with someone else. And the full question form in the description was a good choice. Draw the viewer in is the goal and you achieved that with me.


Initial Reaction:
I liked this In & Out. I must admit that I don't often search for those kinds of activities or take part in them. I have only created one in my almost 8 years of being on the site. However, I like when I find something that asks me a creative question that involves either writing or reading. And I'm a fan of anything that promotes reading. *Wink*


Nitpicky suggestions and other notes:
Here I just have a couple minor suggestions that you could consider if you ever wanted to go back and revamp the In & Out. These are just my thoughts on some possible ways to rework it and hope that it helps you.

First sentence - The wording of the fist sentence has an off feel in my head. I think it's because of the first word. Starting with "Ever" I get the feeling like either the tense is wrong after it, or that some words are missing. Two possible rewrite options are:
"Have you ever dreamed of being one of the characters you've read about in books..."
or
"Ever dream about being one of the character you've read about in books..."


The simple nature of the questions presented works but you could also add that part of the item. The In & Out is one of the places where I think writing ml and the right few emoticons can spice things up. Spruce up the appearance and it would add to the overall affect. Though be careful not to overdo it as a little bit of well chosen color and the right emoticon can go further in improving an activity items appearance far more than random emoticons and varying colored fonts ever could.

Also, you could provide at the end an example of how the answer might be worded because the item type has a set bit of words that start off each response. In the case of yours it is "I want to be" but in some cases the answers don't flow with that start because they just post how they want to respond with their full sentences. Granted you can't change much on how people respond, that is on them and not you. It couldn't hurt to give a sample answer or two. Plus that way everyone can see your answer to the question even after there have been more than 50 responses. Just a suggestion.


Overall, a nice little In & Out for people to take part in and even after many years past its creation date, a timeless question for anyone to answer. Keep up the good work.

Sig I bought to put on my reviews.
180
180
Review of All Her Own  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there AbbyReed

I thought I'd check out your port and do a little review for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I have tried entering the Daily Slice in the past and know the challenge in can present so looked forward to offering this review. Hope that it helps you and thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
A good title. It works to draw the reader in, has an appeal along with fitting well with the story. After reading it I can see the connection, which is nice but not always easy to achieve with a title. The description worked for when the contest round happened but now I would suggest changing it to have something about the story and not just the contest that inspired the entry.


Initial Reaction:
Well done with this story. I don't know what prompt you had for this one but you managed a dark tale here. Reminded me of the one character from Of Mice and Men except with cats, babies, female character and that she had a bit more awareness to her actions along with different reasoning for her actions.

I will say that while this story did have a dark quality, always something almost haunting about it, at the same time it didn't come to me as scary. Reminds me a little of something I tried writing for the contest(not story wise but degree of horror) because the mindset of character is messed up and it's a bit creepy but at the same time I don't feel the horror of it. But I also don't understand horror as a genre so that may be the issue.


Character Development:
Interesting choice in character. We (the readers) get to see her desperation and what she wants. In a twisted way, we can feel some empathy towards her as the main character and even though it's creepy what she's doing at the same time I could also feel her triumph in finally getting what she wanted, getting one of her own.


Plot:
Wish I knew the prompt if there was one that inspired the story. The plot is good for the dark type of story that you created with what she wants and what she is willing to do to get it. Creepy about how she prefers things to be in her life and mentally messed up but a good approach for a story.



Ending:
The end works for the most part. We get to see her get what she wanted even though we at the same time don't want her to have that because of what she's doing. It works and brings the title into the story too, which is a good option. Some might wonder about the things she didn't notice at the end, it does leave something untold but also does pull a tiny bit out of her pov to a more distant approach but that works out okay too.



Other Notes:
Not much I have to say here except for a couple minor details.

First Paragraph - I had to look at it more than once but it appears that the first paragraph is written in present tense, while the rest of the story, including the end, is in past tense. The things that gave it away were words like "is" and "watches" and such. Also, it feels a bit disconnected near the end of the paragraph because most of the paragraph is about how difficult it is but all of a sudden we get "she had done it before". Right tense for rest of story, though I would suggest either adding something to lead between the sentence before that one or I would maybe put it down to a different paragraph.


Overall, good job and attempt at a daily slice, which is a challenge to write not only cause of the genre (for some) but also the length and deadline. Well done.

Keep Writing!

image made by me for group affiliation


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
181
181
Review of Character speaks  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Greetings! I'm Dawn and found your portfolio on the Newbie forum so decided to check out what you have posted. Most of my advice will focus on the technical aspects of this piece and not the content. Hope it helps and to see more writing from you in the future.


Title:
An interesting title. For many of us we think of character as in the people we write, but there is a person's character and it's good to promote that to people. I see you added a teen category and that's a good choice. The description you put added an interesting question and helped give the reader an idea of what to expect when deciding to read the little piece.


Comments:
This item is listed as a poem but is lacking some of the structure that would make it easier to read. As a bulk paragraph, it's harder for someone to read, makes it slower, and lacks the pauses that the usual poem structure provides with different lines and stanzas. This doesn't make it bad, just with some tweaking it would give the piece more flow and be easier for the reader. If someone used it as a spoken poem then with their voice they could add in the pauses and cadences to hit the right points, but since we are reading it online instead of listening, we need some other methods to get the same understanding.

About the rating: I don't want to discourage so I will give a slight discussion on the rating. While 5 stars is desired by many, it's something that I believe should be rare and for the story/poem that is something near perfect and publishable. A 2.5-3.5 is what most items will receive on here because we put out our first drafts looking for ways to make the items better. 1 does feel harsh at times but a one star has the advantage in that it can only get better whereas there isn't much one can do when something needs work and gets a 5. So, hopefully that helps make this understandable. And I am always open to re-rating an item after it has been rewritten. Just let me know if you make changes and want another review.


Favorite Part:
You are who were meant to be, so let it get out so people can see.

This line to me is the entire point of the piece and a great message. I am all for recommending people accepting their own self and letting others see who the real them instead of a fake mask we like to put up when someone else is involved.


Suggestions:
I am going to copy and paste some of your item in here and give an example of what adding some space and putting part where you get into the rhyming (the more poetic part). This is just something to consider but it can give you an idea of how it could look if you decide you like the structure and stanza approach because of what it will offer the item as far as readability is concerned.

Here is one suggestion for spacing. It's a bit hard based on the sentence structure and their are a couple minor errors that could be fixed with an edit, like the ' needed in dont and doesn't. But aside from that, this takes the rhyme scheme in consideration and shows more the poetic aspect of the item along with some combination of prose as it doesn't all follow the same structure or sound like a poem. At least to me. Of course, you don't have to follow the suggestion but if considering poetry on here, looking into structure, lines and stanzas will help.

My suggestion for the first part of the item:

So this is for the people whose names have been in other people's mouth and phrases. This is for the people whose names have been put in a new version of true cases.

It doesnt matter what they say because what truly matters is what they're gonna pay. No, dont get excited. They wont pay you, they'll pay life whenever it's due. I know right now it seems a little unjust or unfair, but really who cares?
After that they wont have any option. It will be like playing a short game of truth or dare.

And then you'll be like,"wow those people are rude and cruel"
but dont let it get to your veins,
because the truth is that they're mentally insane.
You are who were meant to be, so let it get out so people can see.
So why are you afraid of showing people the real you?
Why are you ashamed of showing people what you do?

You are who were meant to be,
so let it get out so people can see.


Hope this helps and keep writing. We all take time to learn and with each item we create that is another step forward.


Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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182
Review of The Door  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello AbbyReed

I'm stepping in to do the reviewing out the lesson 2 from "Invalid Item"  but this will also be linked in the review portion of our group, "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. I did not have anything to do with the lesson and that fact might affect my review a little because I have to try and figure out how the story works with the individual lesson in mind having never read the previous incarnation of the story. So, here goes with my review over the passive voice lesson and this story.


Lesson 2, Passive Voice:
I am going to try my best but there are a few factors with the lesson and the approach taken that make this difficult. Because I haven't read the first version, and you didn't do the bold and red font (keeping in the sentences you were editing for passive voice), I have no way of knowing what you changed as part of the lesson. Next time I would suggest following the method the lesson recommends or doing it in separate static items at least.

While I don't know what passive parts you cut out, I do know some still exist at least according to the handy little site I have used to help point me in the right direction for story edits. Editminion.com is a helpful tool though don't rely on it 100 percent because it does have flaws and won't always be accurate. But I will post a couple spots that it found and make suggestions to get a more active result.

The slight shake of the blue pencil poised at her eye was the only hint of the quaking in her gut. - Not bad but a bit of rearranging of the sentence can cut out the "was" in this case. "The only hint towards the quaking she experienced in her gut came from the slight shake of the blue pencil poised at her eye." Is one example of a rewrite to make it a more active sentence but there are a couple other ways to do it if you play around with the sentence.

While "was" is common for passive voice there are plenty of times when it is okay. Here is an example that even though editminion highlighted it as passive, it's not necessary to change it: Grace knew she was lying.

This was the logic of a fourteen-year old lashing out with anything she had. - This is another one that's not bad but also could be reworked. I also picked this one because the voice differed a bit in this sentence than the rest of the story to me. Probably because it's about the other character but tries to maintain the voice of the main character to a degree. You could reword it to something like "she lashed out with the logic of a fourteen year old, grasping at anything she had in her arsenal." Or something else. Oh and "fourteen-year old" isn't right. I don't quite remember if it's fourteen year old or fourteen-year-old but you either hyphenate or don't at all.

There are some others, like the use of "are" in dialogue and such. It's hard to tell at times what to keep in and what to change because passive is one of those acceptable sometimes just not always type of rules. Passive voice is a hard lesson because it's a continual struggle for many of us and is part of the reason why learning to edit is important.


Other notes:
Here is where I'm going to give my overall opinion of the actual story and not just what is passive and what isn't. It wouldn't be a proper review without at least talking a little about the story in general.

I must admit that my mind went a different route when it came to what she walked in on at the start of the story. I thought something a little worse would be going on and you probably intended that with how the story is crafted. Though for most PDG activities you'll have to be careful when going for the type of story because it sounded almost like something sexual happened. I wouldn't have guessed the real thing she walked in on. Maybe a hint or two layed out earlier in the story would help in not giving away the surprise but for a second read showing the facts were there for the reader.

Rating wise, okay, here is the deal with this one. Yes, 13+ rating does allow for mild sexual and drug references. However, PDG has a slightly higher standard in material they accept. There is a reason some of my reviews don't even get connected with PDG and it's because of the content of the items I'm reviewing, for example. From now on, I suggest not having a drug or sexual reference in a story you are submitting for a PDG item. And yes, I even asked another instructor from PDG about this so it's not just me saying so.

Other than that, you have a decent scene. I did find the conflict a bit tame for a short story and while it had sibling drama, the resolution happened pretty fast. I almost wish there had been something more to the resolution than "okay, I won't tell." But at the same time it's easy enough to understand why she wouldn't want to based on the glass example.


Hope that you learned well from the lessons of the class (I don't know if you've done lesson three but if you haven't you might want to do that one) and take what you learn to apply to future stories. Keep writing and you will continue to improve.

Sig I bought to put on my reviews.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
183
183
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sparky

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item as part of "A Romance Contest"  [13+] and also in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. It was fun judging the contest for Bonnie and I enjoyed reading all of the entries. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
A good title considering it gives the reader a hint along with the description of what to expect in the story. That is useful to a degree because some might not like the element of surprise the story could hold if it weren't hinted to in the title/description, though if you wanted to surprise the reader with the story then all you'd have to do is take out the hints in this part and it would work. The description does sound a bit like random stuff put in, though I can tell the relation to the prompts if someone doesn't know about the contest they may wonder what they all mean.


Overall Reaction:
This was quite the story. I did get into it on an emotional level, connecting with the main character and her emotions of the potential loss of her ex. Even though I knew it was related to April Fools and a type of joke, I forgot that part when I started reading it and the end came as a minor disappointment. I wanted the situation to be real and to keep the emotion in place. When it all ended up as a joke made I was a little disappointed. And at the end we know it was a joke but we have no idea why, what will happen to the characters or if there is a shot for them as a couple. We just get cut off before finding out anything else.

The factor that went into the results of the contest round, I will admit, is the genre. A romance contest will have some specific requirements that other contests will not because as a whole the genre has requirements that the readers will expect. This story, to me, felt lacking when it came to the romance side in part because of the joke. We get in the beginning that they used to be a couple but overall, this ends up not as a romance story which played a part in my decision.


Setting:
Hospital room. Provides a good setting for the emotional part for a good portion of the story. Keeping it in the one room works instead of having it go from place to place. It's a good focal point as far as settings are concerned.


Characters:
We are with the female character as far as point of view is concerned. The guy is there but we have a limited view of him. It was a good choice to go with her for this story because we get into her emotions, the regret the fear and realization that someone she loved might die. It's a bit different when the joke gets revealed but overall, she was a good choice for pov.


Plot:
The plot is okay in general. If I look at it from the requirements of most romance then it becomes lacking because the "will they get together" question doesn't quite exist nor is there an answer for it at the end.

Some might find it questionable to have the doctor be the one playing the practical joke. It may be hard for some readers to believe that could happen.

The joke ruined it a little for me because we don't know the doctor, we don't see him till the incident and there is no hint of their practical joke nature from thoughts of their past. Which makes it feel a bit disconnected from the rest of the story. Overall, I wanted to see more of the romance, something to show a relationship or at least more of the love they may still feel for each other, and for me it didn't work in this story.


Ending:
The ending is okay but a big cut off. We get the April Fools and then it's over. We don't get enough resolution for my taste. It's just, haha april fools and then, the end. We don't get any resolution to their relationship because of the joke and also because of the prompt you chose. While it was listed, there is a minor issue with a character dying at the end when it comes to romance. We don't get to see how she handles the joke after it happens beyond the slightly corny line that ends the story. It probably will work in a different context, just a general story that asks for april fools jokes as the prompt.


Other Suggestions:
I don't have as much here. My biggest technical issue in this piece is that for me the paragraph structures were a bit odd. For the most part, from my research, it's better to either put space between paragraphs or not at all. Consistency is key. I recommend people put a space between paragraphs. The thing with this story is you do that part of the time but there are a number of paragraphs that look like they are different ones but there is no space between them. I don't know if these were accidental misses or done on purpose but I would either delete the spaces and click on the double space option below, or add in the single space between the paragraphs that don't currently have it.

I'd also recommend using the exclamation mark a bit less. It's one of the punctuation marks that are to be used with caution. Sure it works but often isn't needed. Many will suggest only using a couple for the entire story and I'm in that camp when it comes to that form of punctuation. It's a personal decision but something to consider.


Thanks for entering the Spring Romance Contest. I enjoyed my time as the substitute judge and reading all the entries. Good work and keep writing.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Notions  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello piewhackett1

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is what drew me to this poem. That and the random reads feature because I wouldn't have found the item without that little features. I've never really used the random reads before but glad I gave it a few clicks in order to see your work. There are many great members on WDC and I enjoy seeing what they write. Back to the title. The title itself is great because it shows potential for many things that could come up as the writing. Many different poems or stories could created under the title "Notions". And the description you chose gives a little hint to get a readers attention without giving much away.


Comments:
I like the concept presented along with your poetic style. The first line does get a little ummm Dr. Seuss-y is the best way I could describe it. I get a little of the green eggs and ham stuff in my head if I just read that one line, but the rest steers it away from that format.

I will admit, however, that I am not one who likes colored font for writing. When I see a story or poem or even in a review using color I search for a reason behind the specific color and wonder why they decided to go that route. On yours, I had to wonder why the red. I like red but there didn't seem to be a connection in the poem to the specific color used. I also find that it's a bit strange in my mind to do a poem in colored font because for most in the industry if you submit an item for publication you wouldn't want to use different colors when it comes to the font. But I notice that a number of people on the site here love using different colors for no visible reason other than they like the colors.

It is also interesting how one paragraph is focused on "me" sort of a first person approach and the paragraph after it has a "you" focus, then it goes back and forth. That worked out for this poem.


Form:
4 lines, 4 stanzas, no specific form given. That is fine.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
There does seem to be a specific rhyme scheme used in this poem. There are a couple spots where the ends do rhyme but that is more by change than on purpose I assume based on the rest of the lines.


Favorite Part:
When you get an idea write it down right.
Many of the greatest notions are forgotten.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
I won't point out every single line but I do recommend doing another read for the punctuation. Some of the lines sound like they might be missing a comma or to be two sentences, like in the last stanza first sentence. While some of the middle of the sentences feel lacking in punctuation, I also feel that not every end of a line needs a period. Some of those can be combined because a line doesn't necessarily need to be viewed as its own sentence. A sentence can cover a number of lines in a poem. It's something to consider.


Thank you for sharing you writing on WDC and I hope you continue to write and hard your work here. I am always happy to see members who have been here a long amount of time and still post and work on their writing.


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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello A*Monaing*Faith

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and also as part of the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Well considering the basic idea behind the small little attempt at a haiku poem, the title makes sense. It's quirky and would probably draw some attention as people will wonder what a tomato vampire might be, so that works. It's part of a daily challenge, based on the contest and day number listed, so that gives information too and it's nice to know what contest, which the book item the poem is in does that well.


Comments:
This poem has potential but in the end didn't work for me. I felt almost like it was two different poems cut and pasted together with the first half, the part in first person as one poem, and the rest as a different poem. I was also confused by the different font aspects, the italics then bold, then colors. I don't know why they are done that way but it didn't make sense in my head at least.

While the idea of the vegetarian vampire is amusing, I think it's one that needed a different form, one with more lines and syllables allowed, in order to pull it off. As a haiku, it just didn't work for me.

The rating is based on this single poem, and not the book in its entirety.


Form:
A haiku is a simple but difficult form. Having only 3 lines, 1 stanza and specific syllable counts requires a certain finesse. While it looks like you followed the form, I had some struggles over the content that was used in the attempt. While, I know that many write haiku's about things other than just nature, and that is fine, the disjointed nature that I listed above made it harder to understand this particular haiku attempt.


Favorite Part:
The initial idea behind the poem. I'm not a fan of vampires in general, even the mention of them usually, but this idea would be an exception to that fact. It has an amusing concept and could be developed further.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
This is my general suggestion of the poem. I'm not going to pick it apart line by line as I feel that isn't necessary. These are just my opinion of what I think would work better for the poem. If you decide to keep it however you want, that is fine too.

First, the different font things. - I am one who doesn't like random colors and such in writing online unless I can see the reason for it. This is a case where aside from maybe tomato being red and considering the prompt the red almost made sense, nothing else really showed a reason for the differences. It's just kind of random and without purpose, which I know some like to do on WDC but for me, it doesn't work as well and instead distracts the reader. I would recommend not having the italics, or the colors, or the random underlining of one word unless you can warrant the reason for doing those things in the very short poem.

I would either go with the italic portion of the poem, and write the whole poem in that voice, or delete it and write the poem in the distant, look at the vampire who eats tomato aspect. Doing both at once doesn't connect well together and with the poem being so short, it's not enough room to have it so disjointed. The first part in the first person pov had an interesting voice, but I imagine the problem with is was that you don't have a lot of room and wanted to get in the vegetarian tomato part, which is fine. However, if it can't be done in the first person, then the beginning needs changed to keep the voice the same throughout.


Hope you are enjoying the challenge of the month long contest and having fun writing the different kinds of poems. I know that a month challenge isn't easy, having done them before, and sometimes you struggle to get the poem, but in the end having written these will help improve your skills as a poet. Good effort and good luck with other poems in the future.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Suitable since this is just supposed to be that, an introduction to the character. There will be other titles that come up I'm sure, but you're just starting so this is okay. The description says what it is for but not about the story or plot, that is something I would recommend maybe rewording because unless people are looking for character building types, they might skip this one over.


Initial Reaction:
Interesting. It started off a bit slow and I wondered at first if this was going to be one just to learn about the character and not have much conflict but the ending helped change that. Overall, I enjoyed the story the more I read.



Setting:
Typical fantasy so far. While it's not shown a lot in detail in this section of the story, there is enough to hint at the typical almost medieval but not quite fantasy setting with castles and magic, war torn countries and such. Would like to see a little more that makes it different, its own, but I'm sure you'll get around to that at some point.



Character Development:
The focus of this story is on character development, so it worked out okay for the most part. It feels more like the start of a story than a focus on character development though. We do get some information about Dafyd, but it felt more like just a regular story with the plot being a large focus, though it did show a caring character who is learning and growing.


While I am able to suspend belief about a bird growing to be giant (with magic after all), I had a hard time with the bird's name. It's okay to name it after someone but maybe since that someone is not only alive but in a good part of the story, it would be easier to use a part or their name for the bird and not the whole name. It would still be named after her, just with more of a nickname instead of her full name. I guess the full name isn't too bad, it's just since most recommend not having anyone with very similar sounding names, I'd imagine an issue might come up with a character and an important aspect of the story having the exact same name. But I could be wrong.


Plot:
Interesting so far, though the overall story still is yet to come and there hopefully will be more about this character. Right now the character reacts to what comes up but we don't know the goals and conflicts facing the main character.

I like that you introduced the bird first before bringing up the conflict that required using the giant bird. Always need to show the item that can save the day used in regular moments before pulling it out of the hat and going "tada!" and you managed to do that. At first we have no idea what the bird has to do with anything other than showing the struggle in learning magic and how caring the character is, not to mention that it's a younger character without the age actually being given. Though I almost think we need to see something else where that mantra about mistakes being useful or the one about trying could be used again before we get to a bigger moment when it becomes necessary to help solve a bigger conflict, but that depends on the real overall conflict and focus of the story.


Ending:
The ending is when things started picking up. There is a danger and a change in action that moves the character forward. It's more of a beginning than an ending in a way because it's obvious there is much story from this point, and so the end is just where the scene stops and not the story.



Nitpicks and Suggestions:
I don't have much here. There are some things that need developing but I think this is just a starting point and not something you want to publish as a short story, per se. So, I won't nitpick much on the minor details.

Or rather, it all began when his friend, the princess Brendora, stormed into the room holding an injured bird. - This is my one nitpicky point, because it caught my attention right away and since it's the beginning of the story, it stood out. My issue is with "the" before princess. Since this is an introduction to her character I get where you are coming up, however, I think it would work better just to call her Princess Brendora, instead of calling her "the princess Brendora". If you want to use "the princess" it would have to be more "the princess, Brendora, stormed into the room".


Good job and good luck with the story and challenges ahead.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and of course with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is a bit fun and links to the little fun type of poem. It does have an interesting aspect to it, promising an adventure for the reader right in the title. It's good to have the type of poem form in the description, but more would be even better. I would suggest adding a little detail to hint at what the poem is about in the description. It could be something simple and short will be enough to draw a reader in to pick the poem to read over other choices.


Comments:
Interesting poem overall. I like aspects of it, but other parts didn't work for me on a personal level in how I react to poetry. Certain lines sounded great but other parts of the poem don't have a flow in my head and the rhythm got lost. While I like the idea of the poem, it ended up not being one for me.


Form:
I have not seen the form before, so it was interesting to see a poem created in the different form type. In rare instance, I liked the repetitive lines the most in this poem. It follows the form to my knowledge, since I have a limited base as it seems a relatively easy type to do.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
To me, this is the part that didn't work out in this particular poem. The repeated lines have a bit of a rhythm to them, but the other sentences cut that off a bit. They don't have the same flow and even though it's not supposed to have rhyming (and I prefer not rhyming in many ways even though in this one the lines I like the most do rhyme) there are word choices, in particular at the end of sentences, that affect the flow. And having them be all little sentences gives a staccato feeling in a way, it's short beats and that makes it a bit rocky sounding in my head.


Favorite Part:
I like pizza, hot dogs, and chicken wings,
So why does my Mom make me try new things?

I like this part because it's cute, believable, childish and sets up the rest of the poem. It also has a decent rhythm in part because of the rhyme but also in part just because of word choices and sounds in general. In fact, I would take some thing from these lines to add to the brief description in order to draw more readers into picking the poem to check out.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a couple comments on some of the lines in particular that the flow struggled for me.

The allergy line followed by the doesn't want me to die were both parts that seemed too short and messed up the flow for me. I also had a harder time linking the sentences in this part of the poem because they were so short and I don't feel it worked with what you were going for. While it's cut to have the poem be about trying something new and maybe being in secret liking it, I think in order to show that you might need a longer poem. Though it is a bit believable to be from a child's pov with how it is written.

Something about the child confiding to me, the reader, in this poem was a struggle for me. I like the idea of a poem written from that perspective but for some reason tonight I just struggled with this one.

However, good job making the effort with the poem and taking on the challenge of the form. Good luck with it in the contest.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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188
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E] as well. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
I like the title as it connects to the original inspiration but also has it's own little twists. I was a bit confused about the choice in golem, but that was more because I didn't know what it was. A quick look in my dictionary helped to fix that. And the description is good because it explains what you are trying to do with the retelling of a possibly familiar story depending on the reader.


Initial Reaction:
Kind of fun that I get to review this piece. I really wanted to enter the contest too and I feel a little bad because I had an idea but it turned out too big to do in short story and last minute, so I didn't get to enter. So many contests are struggling for entries right now. But to the actual reaction to your story.

Honestly, I own a copy of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep but I have never read it. And I have never seen Blade Runner. So, I had no idea if it followed the storyline or how much and such, but I still enjoyed reading your version.


Setting:
Set in medieval times for the contest that inspired the story. I think you did pretty well showing minimal aspects of setting in order to give the medieval appearance without taking it too far. The clay part worked out great for that factor and also the connection with the story that inspired it.


Character Development:
Overall, interesting. I didn't quite expect it to go the way it did, partly because I had never read the original story or seen the movie it inspired. Yet it made sense with the character and the different sections we got of him. We saw little parts of him that later on connect when the reveal happens. I think he worked well for the role and even with the sections of story where it feels like a little story might be missing but there are often word count restraints to consider affecting his development a little.


Plot:
Well done. The sections tell/show the important part of the story, the ones the reader needs to see for sure. I don't remember the word count limit but you didn't have a novella or even novelette option so they sections make sense in this case to tell the story. While it's obviously not the most original idea out there, when writing from someone else's story that's kind of a given, I think that's okay. We don't have to always strive to come up with the idea no one has had since that pretty much doesn't exist anyways. And you do put an interesting tale together with this one.


Other Notes:
Overall, there isn't much I can point out in this section of the review. This is where I give the nitpicky suggestions and point out specific areas to rewrite/edit. But overall you did a good job with this story. I only have one thing to really mention and it's definitely a nitpicky, follow if you see fit but you're okay probably if you don't type (and yes the -ly words in this section are a bit of a reference, lol).

Adverbs - You do okay for most of the story but there are a couple points where you can cut out a few of the adverbs and make the sentences stronger. The ending paragraph is a good example. There are 3 -ly words in that paragraph and two uses of "quite" which can be a weak word at times too. Handling those types of issues, adverbs and other weaker words will just be the last little touch to make this a very strong story.

Overall good job and I'm pretty sure if I had gotten my story done, you'd be the winner of the contest. *Wink*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Winter Sonnet  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
The title is simple and to the point. It's nice in a way that it tells what the poem is about while at the same time informing the reader of the form all within two words.



Overall Comments:
Content wise, I really liked what you have in this little poem. Not keen on some of the delivery, which I'll discuss further down, but I like the overall words and topic, even the question at the end, which works well in the piece.



Form:
Have to admit, I tend to stay away from sonnet forms and such almost as much as I wish I stayed away from ones with syllable counts when writing so I wasn't as familiar with the form as I should be considering my years of poem writing. Looks like you did well following the form, from what I can tell. Maybe having the form at the bottom of the poem, and prompt if there is one, would be a good idea for readers who are unfamiliar with the form so they would know what it involves. I am still working on doing this with my own poems but it can be a nice touch and most contests don't count that part in the line or word count, and having it at the end, after the reader has read the item is a good spot for such.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
Looks good from what I can tell. The rhythm is okay, flowing throughout the poem with only slight stumbles on parts I mention in the suggestions part of this review. The rhyme scheme looks correct and makes sense.



Favorite Part:
Small child in winter likes to run and play.
She loves to feel the snowball's icy kiss.



Other Comments and Suggestions:
These are things I noticed and have suggestions for but are all based on my own opinion so you can take what will help you and leave the rest at your own convenience.

Black Bear in Winter, In his cave so deep, - Capitalization in this part of the sentence seems unnecessary, especially since it isn't carried over to the other stanzas. It might have been the prompt and thus you wanted to emphasize it, but since that is not mentioned anywhere, it's not something I can tell as the reader who knows nothing about the contest. With something like capitalization in the middle of a sentence you want to make sure the reason for it makes sense and that you are consistent or else it just looks like a mistake.

She loves to feel the snowball's icy kiss. - This is okay but I kind of wondered about the word choice when it came to the snow. I don't think of snowballs as having an icy kiss because it makes me think of snow packed into a ball and thrown at someone. I would think you were going more for snowflake and maybe that would be a better word for this line.

This is a personal opinion, but in general I'm one of those that are against the use of colored fonts for the most part when it comes to stories, poems or even reviews. There are times and places where I don't mind it but most of those are in things like contest and forum pages and not actual writing. On the rare occasion a poem using one color, or a couple words colored for a specific reason in a writing makes sense. But I especially am not for random coloring like I've seen in some reviews and stories where paragraphs are all different colors but there is no apparent reason for the color choice. I know that the color font is a bit more "fun" but I have a couple reasons for the ant-color viewpoint.

1. For the readers - some fonts and colors are harder for the reader, especially online. Some of the bright colors (yellow is a big no but some of the pinks, oranges and such can be hard too) will be difficult for some readers and depends on their eyesight, computer, browser, etc. Always have to keep the reader in mind to small degree at least, even if we write more for ourselves because on here others do sometimes read them.

2. Professional aspect - For the most part, publishers expect stories and poems to be submitted in a simple black text on white format, so I always tend to keep that in mind.

While fun, I just don't see the reason for the color use in this particular poem. Like pink for the bear one? I don't see a reason. Brown maybe though the bear you talk about is the black bear. Only pink ones I know of are well... care bears. The purple is the only one that sort of relates to the topic in the stanza but even that is iffy. Granted as I said before, this is all my personal opinion. I know some love to do different color fonts for no noticeable reason, but I'm not one of them.


Long winded review, but I will add, overall you did a good job with the poem. The color was distracting but in general, you have a nugget of something good with this poem and think with some minor polishes it could be considered for some publishers who do poetry. Good luck with the contest and keep writing.

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Review of NaPoWriMo 2016  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hello A*Monaing*Faith

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
Not sure what the title is for the Round 6 poem that I'm reviewing out of the ones in the item. But it was nice to know the form.



Comments:
Woah. Wasn't expecting the picture but having figured out what you meant by the poem about midway in reading it. Wow... wonder if that cover qualifies as 13+... lol. Yeah, anyways. The poem was different. I know that you're trying for bad so that makes this review different too. So in an odd move, since I know nothing about Harry Potter, I'm going to comment on one point in particular. Didn't he star in the Horse thing when they were still making the Potter movies? I remember that whole, actor has nude scene thing brought up years ago. Just made me wonder about that part of it.

But I don't know if this qualifies as very bad, though I would definitely say it isn't a great poem either. It's a bit awkward for sure.



Form:
The poem followed the stanza rhyming form posted in the description about the one for round 6. The rhyme scheme worked with the couplets and the stanza line count works with the minimal requirements.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhyme followed what was required and works for the most part. The rhythm of the poem is also fine though there is a stanza where I have question of sentence structure. Even with that one, the rhythm of the poem is fine.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
These are just a couple of comments and things that came up when I was reading. My own opinions of course, just a few things to consider if you decide playing with it.

The second stanza, I wonder about the punctuation. It seems like that should be more than one sentence. The rhythm of the words still worked out but still I questioned the sentence form. In fact, some of the other paragraphs have a similar potential issues. I am not the most knowledged of when to use ";" versus putting it as more than one sentence.

No other comments really cause it's an attempt to write something awful. Since this is supposed to be bad I'm going to give it 1 star. Hope you enjoy that. *Smile*



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191
191
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


*Bullet*Title:*Bullet*
An interesting title. It's almost like the first line of the poem but not exactly the same. Most of the time I'm on the fence about first lines as the title but it would kind of work in this case. So it made me wonder why you did "the shoulder" instead of "your shoulder" or well, I have another suggestion I'll post in the next part.

The description is funny though doesn't say much about the poem. But it could still work to draw someone in cause they are going to wonder what strange topic you chose for your rare attempt at poetry.


*Burstbl*Overall Impression:*Burstbl*
Pinnocchio! Yeah, that was pretty obvious but kind of fun aspect about this poem. Though I couldn't help but think don't crickets stop making noise when someone is standing too close to them? Not sure, but the realistic detail isn't really important in the situation given.

Though I wonder how it would sound using first person instead of second. "Cricket on my shoulder" etc. Something to play with maybe just for fun. Though the second person does work, for poems at least. I don't recommend it for most stories but very short poems like this are different in that respect.

It's fun to do a random poem at times, isn't it? I do this on occasion too. I don't write poetry much anymore at all, but I do a random one every now and then for fun. This one was fun, and I hope you enjoyed writing it at the very least.


*Clip*Form:*Clip*
I'm guessing there is a form used based on the type of rhyme scheme but I don't know which form it is. If you did use a form maybe post the type of form at the bottom of the item so people know which one you used for it. Also makes me wonder if there is a syllable count and I don't know if any suggestions will ruin that, so knowing the form would help here. So, form or not, take that into consideration when considering my comments and recommendations.


*Speaker*Rhythm/Rhyme:*Speaker*
The rhyme works, I think, assuming it followed whatever form might have been used. At first I wasn't sure since most of the rhyme scheme follows aa, but the b ones throw that off a bit. However, seeing it followed throughout the short poem makes it still work. Rhythm isn't too bad either, though some areas I do stumble over but those are pointed out later on in the suggestions section of this review.


*Starbl*Favorite Part:*Starbl*
Since your head is of wood.
And decide if you're for real.

I like this part even though I have suggestions to slightly change both lines, but it's the definitive part of the poem and key to its success I think.


*Tools*Line-by-line and Suggestions:*Tools2*
Here are just some minor suggestions of things I noticed when reading and are all just based on my own personal opinion. And most are based on not knowing if there is a required syllable count or not, so might change the outcome if there is one.

"To school and not the play." - "the" throws me off in this. Is he saying to go to school and not to go see a play? That's kind of what I get from the line but I wonder if you mean, he shouldn't play. Might want to change "the" to something else like "to" if that is the intention.

Since your head is of wood. - This line I feel is lacking a word. I want there to be "made" in between "is" and "of" in order to complete the sentence.

And decide if you're for real. - In this one, I would suggest deleting "for" and making "you're" into "you are" since if it's Pinnocchio related then it would be whether he is a real boy or not. And even if it's not related to that, to me it would sound a bit more solid this way, but it's just my suggestion.


A quirky, kinda fun poem. I enjoy the strange when it comes to poetry and this one worked for me. Keep writing!


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192
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and also with the "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. Thank you for sharing your writing.


*Bullet*Title:*Bullet*
The title works for this particular poem/story. It interested me but then again I might be a bit biased by anything that mentions elves. While it's great that the item won and having the contest mentioned in the item description, I would recommend adding more about what the item is about because not all will be biased and might need more than just the title to draw them into reading it.


*Starbl*Comments:*Starbl*
First off, congrats on placing with this in the Writer's Cramp round. Well done.

This is more story than poem though told in poem form in a way that almost hides the rhyme scheme, which isn't easy to do. Though I almost think the rhyming isn't needed because then when I look at it to check the rhyme things fall a little. I'll get to that later. I do like the story idea behind it and overall found this an amusing piece of writing.

The prompt was one that didn't interest me, I must admit, when I saw it in the contest. However, I like the approach you took with it and kicked myself a little that I didn't consider a fictionalized version of the "celebrity sighting". You took a creative and interesting approach with the body in the trunk and even made it a bit of the season using I'm guessing one of santa's elves for it doesn't seem like the other kind of elf.


*Headphones*Rhythm/Rhyme:*Turntable*
Some of the rhymes make sense and almost go unnoticed. However, when I examined the rhymes in particular because I do that when reviewing rhyming poems, I found a number of ones that are close but don't quite work. The first stanza is fine but some of the other ones are a bit rocky in rhyme scheme. Because most of the poem rhymes I'm going off the assumption that you were trying to rhyme. If not then I'd change some of the ends so it didn't make it seem like a rhyme poem. If you are then this stands. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

...my toy car.
...shining stars.
See it's close but the s throws it off a bit.

...is really sick."
...in a fix."
While the x has a sound close to the ck, there is a bit of a difference that makes this part noticeable. And the rest of the stanza doesn't even always follow the rhyme scheme that most of the rest of the poem does. Lines 3 and 4 don't even rhyme. Nor do really 5 and 6, though they are closer than 3 and 4 were in rhyming potential.

These are just two examples but there are a few others. Something to consider if you rework this fun little piece.



*Thumbsup*Favorite Part:*Thumbsup*

I will never forget that day; I was just a cocky elf.
This white beard was not there, dashing was my pretty self.
Toy factory was my workplace, North was my home.
These ropes were not there then, I used to freely roam.
Merry was my name and nature, an elf distinguished.

-- Great set up for the rest of the poem/story.

*Tools*Line-by-line and Suggestions:*Tools2*
These are some things I noticed upon reading and suggestions I have. Hope they help.

*Bulletr*Content rating: This is a minor one but I'd either change the rating a little from "E" to ASR at least or possibly 13+ or the other solution would be to cut out the word "s***ty". It's just not something I think from what I've read on here that qualifies as E.

Fairy Senorita, the biggest actress, was standing right there; - Okay, this is just because of the santa elf thing but when he says "biggest actress" I thought she was big size wise, like a giant. lol

I do not what to do, my magic has failed and I’m now in a fix.” - I think the sentence is just missing a word. I would imagine it is supposed to say "I do not [know] what to do,..." instead.

The toy factory is just a dream of past, a pleasure left behind. - My mind keeps wanting to add one more word to this line though it's a simple one, some reason in a rare case, my mind thinks it should be "dream of [the] past" though without isn't bad really.


Overall, good job with creating this item for the Writer's Cramp. It was a fun read. Good luck with the Giselle's challenge and keep on writing.


image made by me for group affiliation
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering this little story in my What If...? contest fantasy experimental round that asked you to come up with your own what if question. This review is connected with the contest but also in connection to "The Rockin' Reviewers"  [13+] and is An "Invalid Item"  Review .


*Burstbl*First Impression*Burstbl*
An interesting story that has an occult premise stemming from an interesting what if question. A little hard to read personally but just due to a technical aspect and I think the story could have used more words to show the tale more, but overall I did like the idea behind what I read here.


*Castleleft*Prompt*Castleright*
Yep. This story works for the castle prompt, involves an interesting what if question to instigate the premise of the story, and counts as fantasy. I liked that you went with the occult on this story as it gave me some variety when it came to reading all the fantasy stories. It's great to see how diverse the genre can be in general.


*People*Characters/Story*Gears*
While there are characters, there isn't really one that is the guy to root for in this case. It's not so much a character's story but a story about the situation and the "bad" decision that goes on in the tale. That's okay in this case because it's a plot driven story with more of a... they had it coming approach when it comes to the characters.

A story that has potential and could work as the start, the bare bones of a story but needs to be developed. A rewrite with some plot consideration along with a focus on how to show the reader parts of the story, the action and the characters/creatures, will help this piece.

*Tools*Other Notes:*Tools2*

Format - This is a very just my opinion approach. For me, it's harder to read a story that doesn't put a space between each paragraph, since this is all done reading on a computer. And the Tab before each paragraph doesn't help in particular when almost all of the paragraphs are really short. It's less helpful because it doesn't separate as well as it would with longer paragraphs. I'd recommend not only adding a space between paragraphs at least for the online version but also to add more to the story, to make some of the paragraphs longer and have more variety in paragraph length.

The Chant - The part where they chant, you have it as short sentences, different paragraphs for each sentence with quotation marks used. That is okay but since there is more than one speaker for it, I don't think it needs to be that way unless you had some action of something going on to break up the paragraphs. I'd either put it all as one paragraph (not really recommended) or don't use quotations and center that part. I think that the reader can understand the words are being spoken when it's called a chant, and will need a space before and after the chant in this approach even if you don't do space anywhere else because it's different than the normal dialogue and text.

Word Count - While the contest allows up to 3,000 words, this story is less than 800 words and it could have used more to really show what is going on. Because it's so sparse we get a set of names but we can't really see anyone as the reader. Sure, you don't have to describe every one or everything in the story, but if you pick certain ones to add detail to then I think it would help. Fantasy is hard to do in flash fiction and you had room in this contest, consider trying to do more next time maybe. It's a challenge to know what a story needs, which is where rewrites help.


Good work at creating your own what if scenerio and entering the contest. Please keep the story viewable until after the winners have been announced, at least. Keep writing!

Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!


Image for contest made by Neko

Image #1865879 over display limit. -?-

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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering my little, experimental fantasy round of the What If...? contest. I hope you enjoyed the challenge of creating a what if question to go along with a story with the image prompts. This review is connected with the contest as the judge, the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and An "Invalid Item"  Review .


*Burstbl*First Impression:*Burstbl*
Good effort at a fantasy story using the character Persephone. I don't know whether it's good or bad that I'm not very familiar with the mythology behind this. I'm aware of Persephone and Hades but I don't know the details exactly, so in some ways I can see it as its own story away from such, but in other ways there are parts I don't understand because I don't know if it's something you're creating or if it came from part of the mythology.

*Castleleft*Prompt:*Castleright*
Works for the contest. Mythology type of fantasy with an interesting approach taken. However, you didn't post in your story which prompt you used. I can tell by the description in the story but next time make sure to double check what must be in the static item. And I'd actually recommend putting the word count and the what if question at the bottom of the story instead of at the top. Having the what if at the top influences the readers understanding of the story, whereas if I hadn't read that right away I could have wondered more about what decision she would make before it happens.


*People*Characters/Story:*Female**Male*
Persephone - Makes for an interesting character in a way, even though my knowledge of mythology in general is lacking. I liked some of what we get to see in your attempt at making the character your own, but I would have liked to see even more early on. And it was ruined a little for me because I knew her decision before she made it since the what if question held the decision and was posted first. I wish I had more of a visual for what Persephone looks like in this story. I just can't quite picture her in this short story.

Question: Is she talking to herself in the story? Cause the dialogue is shown as regular dialogue but I don't know who she is talking to in it? Is there someone/thing she's talking to, or is it just her talking out loud and answering to herself? I couldn't tell and it confused me a little.

The story has potential but I also think there is room to grow and develop the story further than the current draft. There is room to expand, grow and show a little more. Maybe there is a way to show more why she makes the decision she does. I felt too distant in the story to really care about the decision and needed something to pull me a little more.


*Tools*Other Notes:*Tools2*
These are other minor notes to consider if you are going to edit or rewrite, some things I noticed the few times I read the story.

Spacing - A minor technical and I'm not saying this is wrong. I just find it interesting to see a story done with the double space between sentences. I remember when I first started learning to use the computer in elementary school that we had to do a double space after periods and question marks. But somewhere along the way there was a switch to single space. So, not often nowadays that I see a story where someone does the double space approach.

The Ruby Shoes - I didn't get this part and in the beginning, since I'm not familiar with what is going on, I found the mention of the shoes a little distracting. Is it to explain what she is not like? Cause I'm sorry but I see ruby red shoes and immediately think of Dorothy from Wizard of Oz. That and I just had a judge use Oz for a prompt so that probably doesn't help the situation. Why does she have ruby red shoes? What makes them unlike her? At the start of the story I don't know enough about Persephone to really know so it doesn't tell me anything but instead makes me stop reading to wonder what the point is with the shoes.

HIM - I would recommend not having the reference in all caps. I know some will disagree but I find it distracting. I don't mine, in this rare case, to have it as Him since it's referring to a deity basically, but I don't think all uppercaps is necessary for such.

Last paragraphs - This is very minor. Just is missing the space between the paragraphs at the end. Since you did the space for the rest of the story would be a good idea to keep it uniform and have the space there too.


You write well and have potential for some great stories. I hope you continue to develop the craft and keep writing. Please keep the story viewable until after winners have been announced.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!


Image for contest made by Neko

Image #1865879 over display limit. -?-

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Review of The Wherewithal  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering this story in my What If...? contest and for trying out my experimental fantasy round where you had to create your own what if question. This review is part as the judge of the contest and part in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and I hope it helps as you continue to write. An "Invalid Item"  Review


*Burstbl*First Impression:*Burstbl*
I liked this story. I might be a little biased though since you used a mage character *points to username*, hehe. Great choice for a fantasy story and the idea in general, the battle through one's own psyche made an interesting tale. And this is a story that I enjoyed to read, I'm glad you entered this one in my humble little contest.


*Castleleft*Prompt:*Castleright*
*Star* Yep, this works. Uses the image prompt and came up with a story specific what if question that could have produced the story in question. Definitely counts as magic too with the world and character. Hard to have a mage and have it not be fantasy. Nice job with the prompt.


*People*Characters/Story:*Male**Female*
There is only the one character, well unless you count the instructor mentioned since there is like a moment to her, but almost all of the story is about the one character and her walk in the wherewithal (great title and world/min creation by the way). She works for a character, strong but with enough struggle to make for tension to exist, enough of a question to get nervous while reading.

Story wise, I think you did a good job with not only the plot but the pacing of this little story. Especially since the world is limited within her psyche, but you managed to create the imagery well, especially when she ... looks down! It's like walking on a rope bridge, you are never supposed to look down but you always look down.


*Tools*Other Notes:*Tools2*
Since this story was well written, in this section I get to be nit-picky. Mhuahahaha! Just kidding. *Wink* But these are all minor things and just my suggestions of ways to polish the story.

First paragraph - This is good for the most part the lines because they are just 2 sentences come off a little long and makes for a slightly slow start. It's tough to pick the exact right words for the first line, first paragraph to draw the reader in. This is a spot you could fiddle around with in edit if you choose to do such.

Miserably she took another step forward, and then another. - This is okay as you do a good job at limiting adverbs, more so than many stories I read on WDC. However, I think in this case, the adverb chosen still weakens the sentence, especially considering the importance of her taking steps forward. This tells us she is miserable but maybe there is a way to show a bit more, or to at least use something a little stronger than the adverb form of miserable.

She shook, remember Gathri’s teaching. - This made me stumble having the inner monologue connected to the action like dialogue would have. Maybe if the sentence part was longer, more than just she shook. This might be a good spot for a little more visual of the main character or the type of trembles she is experiencing.

And to take another step along the narrow bridge. - This is one of those single sentence lines and I can tell the reason but I'm not as fond of the single short line sentence when it begins with the word "And". That feels like it needs to be connected to something even if using the word as the first one of a sentence (which in general "and" shouldn't be used as the first sentence often).

The Wherewithal had thrown so many horrors at her in that time. - Right here feels a bit in a different voice for me. The "so many" is a little generic to but also for some reason didn't feel like a good fit with the main character's voice, at least not in my head.

She herself had walked the Wherewithal so many years ago, but of course it was different for every mage. - Another spot with a "so many" so again a tad generic but also the two parts to the sentence make me feel like I missed something. But it's a good spot to point out that the challenge isn't the same every time since we don't know yet quite where we are but it gives a little hint.

In the end, all she could do was pour bittersweet catalepsy into their cups and wait. - This is how nit-picky I am being cause I like the story this much. You accidentally have 2 spaces between "bittersweet" and "catalepsy" when there should only be one. Also, what is catalepsy? I tried to look in my dictionary but it just says "a medical condition characterized by a trance or seizure with a loss of sensation and consciousness accompanied by rigidity of the body." Not sure that can be put into a cup. Or is it a metaphorical cup?

Throwing out her arms to steady herself, Tulei teetered on the lip of the path and looked over the edge. - Okay but could be developed more. You had enough word count available to show even more in this section. Great idea to have her almost fall after making a resolution that she could do the challenge. But I'd say expand the look over the edge part into its own sentence at least, if not put more into the paragraph beyond the steadying herself and looking down.

She sucked in breath; the river was there, surging hundreds of feet below. - "sucked in breath" sounded odd in my head. Well, I guess breathing is sucking in air but what's the air like in the Wherewithal? this could be examined and maybe there is a better word that breath. Maybe another sense can be added to paint more of a picture. Some recommend to try and use all 5 senses if possible, so might be something to try.

Over the Edge - In fact, the short paragraphs could all be expanded and a couple more added to describe what she sees when she does the forbidden "look down" considering the emphasis on avoiding such earlier in the round. Unless trying to submit this to a market that requires under 1k words, I think you have a little more to describe and have some more actions in this section of the story. Expand a little and see what she might see/do.

She opened her eyes.
And took another step. - This is okay but something about having the short line start with "And" bugged me a smidgen. I would have brought down the "She opened her eyes" from the paragraph above and combined them. That way the last paragraph leaves off with the italicized thoughts and we get the end line as her new resolve and taking the next step.


Overall, a great story. Hope I wasn't too hard on it but I think this has potential beyond just an entry in my contest. Please keep the item posted and viewable on WDC until I have at least announced the winners. I will greatly appreciate that. Oh, and keep writing!


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!



Image for contest made by Neko

Image #1865879 over display limit. -?-

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Review of The Bridge  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for posting this story in the fantasy round of the Weekly Quickie. Congrats on the Honorable Mention. *Wink*


First Impression:
Nicely done. It sounded like an actual fantasy world but also with the end like a prefect combination of fantasy world and two people doing an rpg. What I really liked, and partly why this story placed, is how you managed to make the story sound erotic without the characters actually doing any of the expected actions one might require in erotica. In fact, you managed to make their fight (a physical, swords and staff fight) erotic. Well done!


Prompt:
*Check* Absolutely a fantasy story and gives enough of a hint to show the epic world without going too much into the bogged down epic details, since it was a quickie still.


Characters/Story:
I had to laugh at the character names. I almost wouldn't have noticed with the first one, Areollas the Amazon because it almost seemed like a plausible amazon name but when you added the male, Maximus Erectus, that ended it there. Oh dear goodness, what did you create? lol But somehow, you made them work instead of going too far into the overly silly. And the two have a good dynamic going throughout the whole story. They really do counterbalance each other.

The story made sense. Guarding the bridge, the fight, and the end worked together in a surprising way. Though it could also work without the scrabble if it was kept in the fantasy world as well.

Other Notes:
I did find it a little odd, cause I notice things like this, that both weapons used were phallic. At first I wondered about that, but reading the story I could see the obvious reasons why. She handle the wood, he thrust his sword and such. Though it did make me wonder why so many weapons have a phallic sense to them. hmmm Something strange to thing about. lol

Also, this may be one of the few times where it's okay for the story to not be rated GC in an erotica entry. While sometimes a sensual approach keeps it from such rating as well, the way you used the sword play and the not going overboard with language makes it work okay, but it was close.

While the end is fun with the dialogue between the two characters, it did leave just a little to be desired, like I would have liked to have been shown more of the fight or something and that might have made it place a little higher. But overall you did a great job.



Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie. Keep Writing!


an image made for the contests I host and take part in that are adult orientated
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Review of The Tictoc Man  
Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Plume

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing this story as a student of "Invalid Item"  These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
I liked the title for that is what convinced me to pick this story over others when I was looking for something to review.


Initial Reaction:
Overall, an interesting idea. This is a good start and with some work could really develop into a great story. While there are different things that could be fixed or developed, I think there is something good in this story and you should consider developing it further. If you do work on it and would like a re-rate/re-review, just let me know.


Character Development:
The characters in part are what really make this story, in particular the character that is talked about. The Tictoc Man is the driving character even though he isn't the viewpoint one. I wanted to see more of the character. I don't get much of a sense of the person working on their paper because they become kind of a stand in the background so the reader can get to know what they are finding out.

I had to read it a couple times, since it's in first person, however to figure out who was the main character as I noticed the second time that the dr might be the I in one of the paragraphs. The problem with first person is that if you're going to change who is the main character it helps to have something more than an extra space to indicate that. Maybe this story would work better in third person. Or keep to the one character, unless this gets expanded. When a story is this short, it's best to limit the viewpoint to one character, especially in first person pov.



Plot:
A good start of a plot. The characters are trying to figure out this case of someone who might be able to see time. The ending carries a lot of weight, and if expanded could become a strong story. It definitely has that "different" factor that places look for and such potential for more. I do hope you work on this one and expand it to show more because you do have something here.


Other Notes and Suggestions:

Format - While this is just a personal preference, I would recommend putting a space between every paragraph. I know not everyone does this on WDC but it's something that makes the writing easier to read on the eyes since we are reading on computers. You can either hit return an extra time after each paragraph or click the little box on the edit page for double spacing and that will help. Also, since you have different sections, I would suggest more than one space to separate each section to indicate the change, maybe 3-4 or more. Maybe even a couple asterisks or something to indicate there is a difference because even with most the paragraphs not being separated the change of tense is a little jarring with only one line break between each section.

Tense - I got a little confused with the switch from past tense to present tense. I think is has more to do with the spacing because it was harder to register them as different sections. The back and forth also gives it a little too much of a jumpy feeling since each section is very short so we don't get settled in either tense before it gets changed again. I think the switching could work with a little teaking to the format.

Adverbs - There are a few too many words ending in -ly in this very short story. While it's not a very bad thing, they weaken your writing when there are that many. For something under 1,000 words I'd recommend only one or two as a general rule because most in publishing agree that less is more when it comes to adverbs. At least, try not to have several in a paragraph if possible. Rewriting them to something stronger will help your story.
For example, consider: After nervously extinguishing his cigarette with the heel of his shoe, he immediately lights another one. Suddenly he stops, grasps my arm, and says: “Do you agree that most creatures can see only the three dimensions of space?”
What if it read more like: Seconds after extinguishing his cigarette with the heel of his shoe, he lit another. The black lighter trembled forcing him to pause to get the orange flame to do its job. Done, he stops, grabbing my arm hard enough for his fingers dig into my flesh, and says:" - This is just a suggesting of course, you can rewrite however you want, but consider how it could look without the adverbs and instead of telling the reader he is nervous, using something to show it.


Nice Work and Keep Writing.

image made by me for group affiliation
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Review by Dawn Embers
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering the camping round of the weekly quickie. My apologies for the delay in the review.

First Impression:
Nicely done. The writing is good and the story unique. I liked the approach to the prompt that you took with this story and appreciated the entry. The font looked different on my computer, I wasn't sure which was used but that didn't bother the reading of it or anything like that. Overall, good job.


Prompt:
*Check* Involves a very creative form of camping and in the end there is mention of a tent so that qualifies for the round's prompt. Nice work on the creative approach to the camping topic. You got a couple bonus points for creativity with this story.


Characters/Story:
Both of the characters are interesting, at least the little bit we get to see in this quickie. I do like that the effort he put into the camping scene, the little details really showed something about him, her and their relationship.

POV - The one issues with characters I really have is there isn't really a main point of view character because it jumps back and forth between the two. The point of view doesn't go in depth with either character either, giving it a more distant feeling and a tad less intimate that a focused POV would have held. If you focused on just one character, either the male or the female, it would have strengthened this one just a bit because it feels a bit head hoppy just past the middle where we go from him to her to him and such. Plus not jumping would give you word count to focus and show more on what is going on, what the one character is experiencing and such.


Other Notes:
These are a couple minor things I noticed. Overall, great job with this story.

Passive Voice - I'm not very good at this so I can't pinpoint many places but I would recommend combing through the story and checking for passive voice just in case (if you want to edit or continue the story). Some of it dragged a tad and I think it had to do with the sentence wording. It could be strengthened a little between that and maybe a more focused viewpoint.

Other than that, the mechanics are mostly solid in this piece.

And since I posted the winners already in the contest forum, congratulations on your first place. Would you like the gps or the merit badge? Just let me know. *Smile*



Thank you for entering the Weekly Quickie.


an image made for the contests I host and take part in that are adult orientated
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Review of Death and Amelia  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering the Family Guy Inspired round of What If.

First Impression:
An different approach to the prompt given. Death developed an interesting character that wasn't quite like I've seen before, which is always good since sometimes it's not easy to avoid the more expected personification. It was a good read and I enjoyed the story in general.


Prompt:
*Check* This does follow the prompt. It took me a bit to get through the part where he wasn't taking someone who had died, but nothing wrong with that. I do like the approach you took with this prompt and overall you came up with an intriguing story.


Characters/Story:
The main character, death, wasn't quite what I expected him to be but in a good way. He had an interesting personality that stood out in this piece. Sure, the overworked, frustrated at his job thing has been done before but you found a way to create death into your own character. Good work with that because truthfully it's not an easy task even though a few chose the prompt. I liked your approach to the main character and even the small glimpses I got of the secondary ones.

The story has potential. I will admit, the beginning part was a little bit info-dumpy. While the information was somewhat entertaining, I got into the story more at the end when we finally get to see him interact with the living human. While some of the stuff in the beginning and middle is interesting and displays a lot about the main character, there are parts of it that feel like a bit too much information and makes it a little hard to keep reading. Want to work a little on not only getting out the information you want the reader to know but also enough to grab them and keep them reading. It's a hard task to find the right balance for any story. With a little tweaking, I think you will be able to get past the slight hitch in the story and smooth everything out while keeping the base of the story that you created. If you ever go back to edit this story, good luck with that development because it could really give you something interesting in the end if you go with that approach.


Other Notes:
Overall, this story is well written. There weren't any glaring errors that took away from the read and it's obvious you put effort into this story. Good work.

Beginning - One thing I would maybe suggest is a rewrite of the first paragraph. It's not a bad paragraph but the first line doesn't really grab onto the reader. The first line "Death sighed." Only has interest really because it tells the reader right away that death is the main character, so it has that positive note but there might be a stronger first sentence out there that would serve the story more. Something to consider.

Technical wise - I prefer there to be a space between each paragraph but that seems to be a personal quirk. It's not necessary per say but something to consider. I know a few others who also agree that it's just a little easier to read online when there is a little bit of white space between the paragraphs. But at least you had the tab at the beginning to help keep it from being a block of text, that is greatly appreciated.

Ending - The ending is kinda interesting. At one point I kind of wondered why Death's next line would be about Hemingway, but at the same time with his "voice" it works too. So, in the end, I kind of like it. There is the potential for more but it also has enough of a concrete feeling so that it can feel like an ending to the reader and they aren't being left out on anything.


Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!


Image for contest made by Neko
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Review of The Apostate  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings! I'm Dawn and I am reviewing your poem today for the New Year Auction. Hope you enjoyed the reviews.


Title:
Interesting title. I'm not 100 percent sure on how the poem is about the apostate, but it is an interesting word and I learned something new from it. And it's a form I didn't know either, so it caught my attention even without the description to help, though it does help some too.



Comments:
I like this poem. The last line is a bit strange since it has to combine the words that are used at the ends of the lines for each stanza but overall, it's a good poem.



Form:
I had never seen this form before but I think I like it. There is a challenge to it to keep the poem sounding umm poetic, without coming across as forced from having to use the specific words at a specific point. It is an interesting form that I will have to try at some point in the future. Thanks for sharing a good example of it. Judging by what you have down about the form, I would say that you followed it correctly. Good work.



Rhythm/Rhyme:
Kind of a rhyme but more of a using the same word at the end of the lines based upon the form requirements. The flow of the lines and stanzas is nice. Makes the poem easy enough to read but not overly easy as in too simple.



Imagery:
Waves and sirens both provide a visual for me. The dark clouds and the liquid promise, all good choices in visuals



Favorite Part:
The waves caress the shore, offering an answer
as the wind whispers in a voice like sigh.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:
No advice for this poem either. I like what you have going and even though the last line was a little strange, it probably was a good challenge to get the three words needed in the one sentence for it to work in the poem. Good work.

Keep Writing.


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