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562 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I generally give an overview of the item, then point out any corrections, suggestions or highlight favourite lines. I am a captain of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. See my reviews below for examples.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and catching typos, spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.
Favorite Genres
Romance, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Echo Your Pages  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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This is one of the reviews paid for with the gift certificate you received for placing 3rd in the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest.

First off, I have to admit that I have no idea what this poem is about, and that makes it difficult to provide a constructive review. The title, 'Echo Your Pages' is intriguing and suggests a literary connection (a poem about poetry or about writing or...?). The short description, 'Be careful what you wish for' doesn't shed any light on the subject matter, and I find it hard to match this description to anything I find in the poem itself. Finally, the words 'Falling in love through poetry' are the only other clue that make me think maybe this is a poem about poetry. About poetry coming to life? About personifying poetry? I'm really not sure, and while some poetry can be beautifully vague, I think it would be beneficial for your theme to be more clear for your reader.

I'm dying to dig into you, Desire.
I'm curious as to why you capitalised the word desire. Is it a proper name? If not, I'd lose the capital letter, because honestly it makes me think of a woman named Desire and if that's not what you're going for...
I'm not 100% sure on the use of the word 'dig' which is a pretty brutal term when talking about love and even sensuality. The poem is not overtly sexual, but it does allude to sensuality. What about the word 'delve'? 'I'm dying to delve into you, desire.' That gives an impression of looking beneath the surface. Anyway, over to you as always. *Smile*

I hear you request
that I proceed gently
through your skin,
Every layer
stings to peel away.

Without a clear idea of exactly what is happening and what we're referring to, I have to admit this comes across as really creepy, a la Silence of the Lambs.
I'm called to suggest that the first line might work as 'A whispered request', adding to the soft, senusality of the poem.
Should the comma after skin be a full stop?
Stings is a great word, and adds a real bite to the poem. I'm just not sure what to suggest (if anything) to detract from the creepiness of these lines, without knowing for sure what you were trying to achieve or indeed, what the subject of the poem is.

I am your ointment
made specially for you.

When I think of an ointment, I think of a soothing relief, and I wonder if we can spruce these lines up a little with those words. 'I am your relief, a soothing ointment, specially for you.'

I was made
of all the same pains
healed over time
by self baby kisses

What are self baby kisses? They sound really cute and sweet, but I'm trying to understand the words. Are they baby kisses from oneself? Hmm... I have no suggestions for this. The lines intrigue me...

Self
was all I had.
I can teach you
I can be yours

Just punctuation needed here, I think. A full stop at the end of each of the last two lines? I particularly like 'I can teach you' and 'I can be yours'.

Falling in love through poetry
I hear you from inside that fortress
I see you pacing around

Love these lines. Just a little punctuation?

Even through my own walls
I know this goes with the pacing line, but I just don't quite get it. Might need to take another look at this line.

We built the peering holes
in the exact same places

I think these lines are just a little too pedestrian for your poem. Perhaps... 'We peer through holes, seeing the very same views' or something? Maybe?

I see you
I see you
It's safe.

Ooh, I like the repetition. Nice. Just a little punctuation. *Smile*

I have definitely noticed a tendency in you to start not-so-strong and finish strongly. I like the end of this poem, and I think it wouldn't take much to bring the whole poem up to that standard. You definitely have the framework, it just needs a little tweaking. As always, my suggestions are just that, and you need to make the poem work for YOU, so take what works, and leave what doesn't. *Smile*

Elle


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102
102
Review of Warping  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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This is one of the reviews paid for with the gift certificate you received for placing 3rd in the "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest.

I like the idea you've had, of a basically physical description of a spiritual experience. Very unique. And in poetic form too - definitely something I haven't seen before.

This piece feels like it's lacking polish. It almost feels too raw. I think some of the lines could be made stronger and more powerful, and that will help give it a more complete feel.

I'm assuming, for the purpose of this review, that there is no set structure to this poem, so forgive me if that's not the case but I can't see one.

A vague remembrance of warping,
or something,

These lines certainly aren't strong. The words 'vague' and 'something' don't hold much weight with the reader. What about replacing 'vague' with 'indistinct'? It means much the same thing but the word feels a little stronger with the hard consonants. And I think 'something' needs to go. What if you move 'warping' to its own line, because that's a great word.
'An indistinct remembrance,
of warping and distorting.'

Of course, these are just suggestions to help, and you may choose to use or not use any of them as you like. A poem is a very personal thing, and I do appreciate that. *Smile*

into deep space made of air and magic things -
This is fine except for the word 'things' which like 'something' is just a filler and leaves the reader a little unsatisfied.
'Into deep space, made of air and magic.' That works, I think. Just leave off 'things'.

occurrences with time and circumstance attached
feed us and drive us around.

I think if you remove 'around', this would be stronger. Instead of 'driving us around' which feels more like a Sunday drive, it gives power to 'drive' and could mean more like a race car kind of power.
'Occurences with time and circumstance attached
feed and drive us.'


Where things go and stop,
where things radiate,
where all of everything collapses together
and all is different, and all of the same stuff

I love the use of the words 'radiate' and 'collapse', but 'stuff' lets you down again and 'things' is not strong either.
It would reduce flow, but it might add emphasis and force if you say 'Things go. Things stop.' and split them up. Then have 'radiate' on its own.
'Things go. Things stop.
Radiate.
All of everything collapses together.
All is different, and all is the same.'


A light flashed fast
and a sound of white
hummed into a dense voice
which lifted and carried me here,
laid me down, closed my eyes,
and clapped so loud I forgot what was happening.

I think if you remove the 'a' from the first line, that will give more focus. I love the word clapped which gives force.
'Light flashed fast
and a sound of white
hummed into a dense voice
which lifted and carried me here,
laid me down, closed my eyes,
and clapped so loud I forgot.'
I've removed 'what was happening' from the end of that last line too, it just feels less vague. *Smile*

It was supposed to deafen me,
but I still hear the hum.

These lines are great, and I love that last line for a final poetic finish. *Smile*

I've taken some liberties with your poem, and I hope you don't mind too much. I got a little carried away. *Blush* I found the theme and idea quite inspiring, and wish you all the best with getting this one completed to your satisfaction.
Elle


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103
103
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you won at the "Invalid Item raffle.

Hey Ken,
Like many reviewers, I find it hard to leave a review when I can't think of a single thing that the author could improve on. Especially when it's a review that has been bought, such as one from "Invalid Item. I read your marble poem and thought it was lovely...but I couldn't honestly think of enough to write about it to warrant a review. It was great, I enjoyed it, and I wouldn't change any of it. So I moved on to these lyrics, and enjoyed them too. Can you imagine my delight when I found a spelling error? *Laugh* It's sad, isn't it, but at least I decided to take the time to leave a review.

If I could chose and start again
I’d park this truck and never roam.

Chose should be choose.

And that, truthfully, is the only suggestion I can make. It reads well, and although I found it unusual (not that I read a lot of lyrics) that the chorus had a different rhyme scheme to the verses, I thought it worked well. The rhymes were good, the rhythm was smooth, and I thought it was great. I'm very curious to know how it would sound set to music. *Smile*

Great work, and thanks so much for sharing both these lyrics AND the marble poem. *Delight*
Elle


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104
104
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hey Ruwth,
Thanks for the review request. I don't consider myself an expert on writing articles, but I'll give you any suggestions I can.

Rule #1 in writing articles is probably not to write about yourself. Journalists don't say 'I had a great time' or 'I loved the movie' but rather quote other people. You haven't put yourself into the article, which is good. That was the first thing I checked for. *Smile*

Another good thing is to provide proof or evidence to back up your statements and this is probably where your article falls a little short. Right at the beginning you say Writing.com celebrates 13 years of being the number one online writing community. Number one according to whom? Where's your proof that they are the number one online writing community? Can you quote someone, or a fact or figure to back that up?
You tell us that SM and SMs are involved on the site on a daily basis and know many members by name, but how can you prove that to the reader? Can you tell us the average number of hours they are online each day, or can you quote someone (which is clearly the easiest way!) telling you that they are around a lot, helpful, know lots of people, etc. You'll note that I used quotes to back up my points in my article. I said something, then used a quote to prove that it wasn't just ME who said so.

You mention the promotions to Preferred and Moderator status, but you don't explain this. For an article, it would probably be helpful to have some small one-sentence explanation of what it means, even if it's as simple as 'the use of different colour portfolios being used to highlight such community-minded members amongst the many users on the site' or something.

Content settings is another place where you can add additional information. Even link to the Writing.com 101 page where the content ratings are, as proof/evidence, or quote from them. Tell the reader what they are, or how they work. Are they enforced? Yes, moderators pick up on incorrect ratings and can override them (I actually forgot to mention that in my own article, but it's a good point to make!). Quoting from 'official documents' is an excellent way of backing up your points AND adding additional explanation for your reader.

It might be worth explaining what the newsfeed is, and perhaps even mentioning that the blogs are on the site itself, not external to it?

After you say 'Books are written, poems are written, essays, articles and MORE!', that's the perfect place to add a statistic. There are 132,310 poems, 53,868 short stories and 4,185 books on WDC at the moment. THAT is your proof, and they're big enough numbers to be worth adding in anyway, because they add weight to your sentence.

You could mention some of the recent improvements as examples to back up your sentence 'It just gets better and better with constant and never-ending improvements'. Like what?

I think your writing style and 'voice' is fine for an article. I'm not sure I'm the best judge on that anyway, because I know I have a very casual writing style/voice myself, but I didn't think there was anything much wrong with it. To me, it's just about backing up your points with quotes, statistics and evidence, so the reader isn't left wondering 'Why should I take her word for it?' but realises that the proof is in the numbers, or that all those other people you have quoted say the same thing. It can be useful (although of course I didn't do this myself) to get quotes from high ranking people. If it was a news story, you don't just want a quote from a guy on the office floor or the janitor (although they do use those too!) but you want a quote from the boss or a high ranking manager. So consider that too. The more 'important' or influential the person you're quoting, the more weight the quote holds with the reader.

I hope that helped somewhat. *Smile* Good luck with the contest! I'm not worried about winning or losing as such myself, just trying to get back into writing more often, something I've been letting slide lately. Reviewing too, so thanks for prompting me to write this. *Smile*

Elle


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105
105
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Hi Christina,
I'm not going to labour on about showing instead of telling this time. I think we've covered that to the point of exhaustion in the previous chapters. I'll just comment on any other points I note.

Dear adored man of my life,
I just adored living in Panama City, Central America.

You use the word 'adored' twice in quick succession there. I would change one to another word that means the same thing.

In Panama City, I spoke Spanish, in the Canal Zone, I spoke English. At home, Portuguese.
That's quite interesting to the average reader, I think. *Smile*

I enjoyed reading your paragraph about the Beatles movies and albums. *Smile*

Your paragraph about Ferdinand Porras y Porras was amusing, and should definitely be left in, but it requires the rating of your item to be 18+. You absolutely cannot have an E rating with that paragraph in there.

I also sat alone in the school bus, I hadn't made friends in high school yet, only in Panama City and my friends were mainly diplomat's daughters (which my mother insisted me on having), the kind of different type of friends, the safe kind friends but that's what my father wanted too, he asked me to do this and I always did what he asked.
This sentence is really long, and doesn't really make sense. 'The kind of different type of friends' - what does that mean?

- Love is good, right, Peter Ethan?
- Ahh, yes. And we love her respectfully, don't we, Paul Elliot?
- Ahh, yes.
- What do you think, Paul Elliot?
- I think it's good, Peter Ethan. And what do you think, Peter Ethan?
- I think it is fair, Paul Elliot.

I think you've muddled up their names there. And did they really use each others full names all the time like that? That seems very unrealistic.

- Ok.
- Ok.
- Ok.
- Let's go.
- Ok.
- Ok.
- Ok.

There's too many 'Ok's there, and they don't add anything to the scene.

And then, four days after my 14th birthday, my dear, my sweet, my loving father had a fulminating heart attack and died at 3 am holding my mother in his arms.
Instead of 'my dear, my sweet, my loving father', I would suggest 'my dear, sweet, loving father'.

That was the last time they met again after his death...
You say 'they' but I think it should be 'we'.

I went for long walks in Ipanema Beach and had a surfer boyfriend in Arpoador Beach, called Bobby but I often thought of Paul Elliot and Peter Ethan. Where were they? How were they? She missed them very much.
Again, you're switching between first and third person. This needs to be 'I missed them very much', not 'she missed them very much'.

This was very good for me because it was very, but...
I think you're missing a word there. Very what?

I think you need to be very careful about using people's real names without their permission. If you used just first names, and not surnames, I think that would be okay. Your item is viewable by any member of the public, not just WDC members, so I think you shouldn't use full names without permission.

This chapter needs work on showing instead of telling, but I said I had gone over that in the previous chapters, so I wouldn't repeat it over and over again from here on out.

There are certainly some interesting points in this chapter, but you need to relate them back to the overall relationship between Christina and Butchie - this is a romance novel first and a memoir second, so everything needs to be seen to move the relationship forward. There is no Butchie in this chapter - bring him in and help the relationship stay at the front of the reader's mind.

Hope this all helps you.


*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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106
106
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review is part of the gift basket that Shaye bought for you at "Invalid Item with the message 'Thanks for buying my package in "Invalid Item. *Bigsmile*'

Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning ,
This is a great contest for those who enjoy writing for children. It's actually a shame that it's only going to be running for a short time, but I understand that helps make the birthday week here on WDC even more special. *Smile*

The forum desperately needs images to brighten it up and draw the eye, but I understand you have those on order and will add them before going public with this.

I think calling the different themes and prompts 'rooms' which people can 'wander in and out of' as if they were physical room, is very cool. It gives a unique feel to the contest which makes it different from others on the site. I like the idea of viewing WDC as a physical place I can visit (I did a whole blog entry on it once! "This morning on WDC) and this appeals to me. *Smile*

The dates are clear. The prompts are clear, and while they are short and don't need to be hidden under dropnotes, this gives the forum a little extra 'mystery'.

The rules are clear. I love that you can enter a story or a poem for each prompt.

It is very unusual to have to write in first person and I think this gives the contest another difference and makes it a real challenge.

Your prizes are very generous and clearly listed.

I think this will be very successful and wish you all the best with it.
Elle


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107
107
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review was bought for you at "Invalid Item by Maryann - House Martell with the message 'Thinking of you, Aunt Dottie!'

Hi Dottie,
I just had to review this lovely testimonial. It hit home for me. A lot of the reasons you mentioned are ones that ring true for me, but I'm not sure I would have thought to mention them.

It’s very stimulating
Regardless of age, this is something everyone needs. When I was a new mother, staying at home with the baby, the thing I missed most was adult conversation and interaction. It was then that I joined Writing.com. While I've gone away and come back since then, I can agree wholeheartedly that the intellectual stimulation this site provides is not something to be sniffed at!

I’m meeting wonderful people on this site
The people are what make this site so amazing. No matter how wonderful The StoryMaster and The StoryMistress are (and I do think they're wonderful!), this site could never be as fun, diverse, creative and enjoyable without the efforts of the community here. And it truly is a community. I find myself worrying about members here who mention troubles offline, I cheer when they are promoted in status here, I love to get smiley thank yous and delight when they win things. The people here are friends. *Smile*

Even if nothing of mine ever gets published, I’m thrilled to see my work displayed
I agree. While being published holds a certain allure, it's not something I actively seek. Having people read and enjoy my work is enough for me.

Thank you for reminding me of some of the wonderful things about Writing.com that I do take for granted sometimes. This is a wonderful testimony, and I believe it's as true now as when you first wrote it ten years ago. Thank you for sharing it.

Elle


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108
108
Review of The Leprechaun  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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This review was bought for you at "Invalid Item by Elle - on hiatus with the message 'For your epic entry into "The Lair Contest (Mythical Creatures). *Smile*'

Hi Thursday--Goodbye Virus! ,
I'm delighted to finally review this epic. I have had a few long poems entered into "The Lair Contest (Mythical Creatures), but this was the first real 'epic' entered. *Smile* Before I give my thoughts, please keep in mind that I speak with an accent (a New Zealand one, specifically) which can sometimes affect the way I view rhyme and rhythm. What works when I say it may not work when you say it, and vice versa. So just bear in that in mind and take what works for you out of my comments. *Smile*

You mentioned that you were considering changing the first stanza, and I agree, it doesn't quite work as is. The rhythm falters on the last line, I think, plus I'm not sure I like the curdled milk. *Smile* I much prefer the 'carved out' line you have in your alternative, so I definitely vote for the alternative first stanza.

“How can I prove myself,” he thought
As he pondered upon his lamentable lot;

I think the rhythm stumbles a little on that first line.

For months he mused and thought of else naught:
“If only there was a foe to have fought!”

While the rhythm and rhyme are well done on these, that first line seems a little awkward because we would never say 'I thought of else naught'. We'd always said 'I thought of naught else'. I wonder if you could reword it to flow more smoothly, whilst maintaining the rhythm and rhyme... Tricky, but might be worth playing with it.

For where there once were fertile, rolling green downs,
There was now only barren land, goldens and browns

The rhythm doesn't work with these lines. Perhaps 'For where once there were fertile, rolling green down, Barren lands now, goldens and brown.' Anyway, have a play with it and see what you think work.

And so for some reason unexplainable,
Their rich land was no longer sustainable,
And the people, once so full of mirth,
Began to wither in their nutrient dearth

This stanza is awkward, and I honestly don't think you need it at all. I'd remove it altogether.

But Fergus mac Léti, not a tear did he shed,
For a marvelous thought to him had come instead.

That last line is awkward in the phrasing, again because it's not how someone would normally say it. Perhaps 'But Fergus mac Leti, not a tear did he shed, For a marvellous thought had come to him instead.'

He would save his people and grant them their fill.
It would be so, so strong was his will.

I feel like that last line needs an extra word or syllable...

He stood hardly three small feet off the ground,
And almost as wide, his stomach so round;
His shined shoes wore buckles and he a cocked hat,
A red coat with buttons, each large, gold, and flat.

Love that stanza!

His face was old and wizened with age,
But his wisdom fit more the trickster than sage,
For his eyes, though wide in fright for his life,
Had a sparkle that glinted like light off a knife

Love this one too!

“Lie to me not, scheming Leprechaun!”
He said once with one hand his sword he had drawn.

These two lines were really awkward. You might need to take another look at them.

He was so consumed in his abilities,
He neglected all other possibilities

I think these two lines might need an extra word or syllable, they feel short.

Overall, the epic is very good. It certainly tells a story and the story is relatively easy to follow. I think it wouldn't matter if this was read aloud or not, it would still work well. The story has a moral which is always a bonus, and epics are well suited to these. You've used the leprechaun character very well. All in all, an excellent work. Well done!

Elle


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109
109
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi MysteryAuthor ,
I came to your portfolio from the "Noticing Newbies forum. You said you were feeling nervous about posting your work, so I wanted to drop by and see if I could help at all.

Your writing is excellent. It's very well done. I only noticed one tiny error. The big problem is the way you're 'marketing' it, for want of a better word.

Your title currently says 'Ever Wondered (shipping warning!!!)'. I would just give this piece a title that fits what is there at the moment. Something like 'Heart of the Mountain' or similar.

Your short description currently says 'Should I write something like this? I have no idea, if you like it let me know!' I would change this to 'Some of Bilbo Baggins' adventures from a new perspective' or something like that, which gives the reader an idea of what the story is about. LOTR fans might be drawn in to read.

The genres you have currently selected are 'Death', 'Gay/lesbian' and 'Gay/lesbian'. First off, there's no point at all in choosing the same genre twice. You'd be better off having just two genres chosen in that case. But there's nothing gay/lesbian about this piece so far. It's very misleading, and it will put people off who might otherwise be interested. 'Fanfiction' should be your first choice since your characters are taken from JRR Tolkien's LOTR series. I would definitely go with 'fantasy' as well, which is hugely relevant to this piece. Perhaps 'Action/Adventure' as the third choice if you want one? Those will draw people in, but more importantly, they fit the piece you've written. If it was gay/lesbian themed, I'd have no problem with a gay/lesbian genre, but it's simply not suited to the piece.

At the bottom of the piece, you have the following:
••••••
Did you ever wonder what Bilbo's version of The Hobbit was like? As you can see it had many more drawings, and different words, it can't be the same right? Well you were right.
••••••
If you would like to find out more, rate and review! Bad reviews are also greatly appreciated!

I would remove all of that. If you intend to write more, then perhaps simply write 'To be continued...' and that will suffice and let people know the piece isn't finished. Telling us that we can see it has many more drawings and words, when I can't see that at all from this sample is bewildering for your reader.

The only error I noticed in your piece was in this sentence:
Thrór's love of gold grown too fierce and sickness had begun to grow within him.
It changes tense. I think 'Thror's love of gold grew too fierce and sickness began to grow within him' would work better.

I hope this info helps. Like I said, your writing is excellent. It's easy to read, well edited and uses some great vocabulary. Once you fix up the non-writing aspects of it, the 'marketing' as I said, it'll be really good. You might want to review your other items too and see if they need the same attention. *Smile*

All the best,
Elle


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110
110
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Christina,
I'm back again for chapter 8! *Smile*

This chapter is pretty hard on the reader, for all that it's short. There is no action. It's not even written as an internal monologue (one person's thoughts) but rather it's the author TELLING the reader about the character's history. I said it in my last review, and I'll say it again. The reader needs to be carried along by action the whole way - we should eavesdropping on their lives as they live them.

Here's an example of what I mean. You wrote: 'He knew he was important, a winner, special. He was also considered to be famous (or infamous). He knew that he would keep going on. He had escaped many traps, survived on his own. If people didn't like him, that was OK. He had what he wanted, he had done nothing wrong, he had Italian suits and cowboy boots in his closet, he was peaceful and lived a quiet life, did not want to be disturbed by neurotic, American women who only wanted his money.'

Here's another way of saying that which draws the reader in and carries them forward in the story: 'Butchie slammed the door behind him and stopped in the foyer for a moment to rotate his neck and shoulders. Thank goodness that was over. He reached up and undid the buttons of his shirt, the soft expensive material just emphasing his recent encounter. Clearly the woman in the lift had catalogued the cost of his outfit in one glance and moved in for the kill. Butchie frowned and shrugged out of the shirt, throwing it in the laundry as he walked past. The cold beer in the fridge beckoned him. He hated shallow women who wanted nothing but his money. He'd put up with ten years of such behaviour and he was never putting up with it again. Okay, so he'd been a bit brusque with the woman in the lift, but honestly, what did she expect? He reached up to the cupboard to grab a glass, then decided against it. He lived alone, no one was going to know if he drank from the bottle. He wondered if Christina had emailed while he was at work. He made a mental note to check as soon as he'd taken off his boots and changed into more comfortable trousers.'

Do you see what I mean? It's about taking the same information but giving it to the reader in a way that draws them into the scene while carrying the story forward. The reader should always be able to picture where the character is and what they're doing at any time in the story. If they're sitting at a computer for two chapters, that's fine, but we should know it, and we should see their facial expressions, hand movements, that sort of thing. If they're moving, take us along with them. What did Butchie's kitchen look like? Was his bedroom painted in masculine colours or neutral ones? Let us SEE, let us HEAR, let us FEEL. That will draw us in and make us care about the romance that is building.

He knew that it was hard for American women to find a smart, intelligent man. Most were losers and boring, without something more to add.
Be very careful about offending your readers.

He wasn't unhappy but he needed somebody in his life even though he was peacefully settled into not having another relationship again.
This sentence contradicts itself. He needed somebody even though he was settled into not having another relationship? That doesn't make sense.

You clearly know your characters well, and that's so important for a good story, but you need to allow the readers to get to know your characters gradually over the space of the whole story, not throw the information at them in huge chunks. Weave the information in. What can we tell by watching Butchie in an encounter at work? What can we tell by the way Butchie unwinds at the end of the day? Then, what can the characters share with each other and therefore the reader? And always keep the scene alive by adding action and dialogue where possible so we can picture the scene.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi Christina,
Sorry for the delay between reviews. I'm back for chapter 7!

On the first time they spoke on the phone they were kind of embarrassed, uneasy, nervous, happy, excited and shy. They talked for an hour and he sang a whole country song to her, miles away across countries, oceans, wind and space, just because she said she loved American country music and Dwight Yoakam. He sang it well, like a real sad, sweet country music singer does it so well and she screamed and laughed with pleasure, maybe becoming, for a while, that little girl that Gabriela had touched...
Oh, I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall for that phone call. You've summed it up in one paragraph, but instead that could have been a major moment in the story. What did his voice sound like? Were there moments of awkwardness? What did they talk about? I love the list of emotions, but I would have rather you described the scene to the reader so we could see each emotion play across her face, hear it in her voice, listen to the awkwardness fade and the romance blossom. This is an important step in the relationship and I think it warrants a scene. *Smile*

I love that you used Butchie's actual email. Excellent. The reader gets to see what Christina sees. You could break it up by sharing her reactions and emotions as she reads it, instead of the whole email and then her final reaction, just to break up the text a bit, but it's okay as is.

She never thought again of emptiness, fear, loneliness, the future, the unexpected, the same weekends, the wanting something new, the reality of being 56, divorced for 8 years (with an ex-husband already married again after two years of the divorce), she never thought again of the empty-headed younger men hitting on her and narrow-minded, old-fashioned men her own age hitting on her but completely weird, neurotic and smelling of mold but that had their eyes on younger women with sexy bodies that were in the same room or restaurants, looking like horny, Brazilian macho-men fools.
That is a REALLY long sentence! It definitely needs to be broken up. I know you like your lists, but it wouldn't be hard to make this long sentence more powerful by breaking it up. 'She never felt empty anymore. The fear of being lonely in the future while her exhusband had found his new love, didn't haunt her any longer. She never thought about the empty-headed younger men who couldn't see past the sexy bodies of younger women, they didn't bother her now.' You see what I mean? Take that long list and make shorter sentences out of it that are easier for your reader to digest.

She thought that just because you're over 50 people think that your life has ended, you are "dead", you have no more feelings or desires and that there is no more sex life, no more sensuality, no more tingling in between the legs feeling thing and the wetness down there by feeling attracted to another human being that you desire, in you and in your body.
This one can also be broken up into smaller sentences. I think too, with an E rating, you need to be very careful what you say when it comes to the physical responses to sexual attraction.

the feeling of feeling wanted.
This sentence needs a capital letter.

Age is not important nowadays, our society and mentality is changing and thank God for this because she believed that in the year 3099, people will still be hired after they reached 50, because, if today being 50 means being 10 years less based on medical researchers, imagine what will happen to us in all the next years and decades to come!!!
This is really the author lecturing the reader. It's not the thoughts and feelings of the character as she is in that moment, or if it is, it's not being written that way. You've written this so it's directly aimed at the reader. If these are truly the character's thoughts, you need to add some 'Christina thought', 'Christina mused as she wandered to the kitchen sink', kind of things to show this. Giving us these actions will help break up the blocks of text too, and help keep the action going and keep the reader engaged. At all times, the reader should know where your character is and what she is doing.

She started feeling better at 41, looking younger, feeling younger and always taking care of herself, doing what she wanted to do (and not giving in to family and children - sometimes children want you to feel older, stay home and become old...), being productive, meeting people, enjoying herself, going to the movies once a week (even if it rained), reading at least ONE book per month (and she did this and in Portuguese, English, Spanish and French) and walked at least once a week in the Brasilia's City Park.
This is another really long sentence that needs to be broken up. But even better would be if, instead of listing these things, you showed us these things. Take us to the movies with her. 'Christina glanced out the window and saw the spattering of rain drops as the weather slowly disintegrated. She shrugged to herself, she was going to the movies regardless. It was her gift to herself, to stop her from stagnating. What would she see today? She grabbed the daily newspaper and her coat as she headed for the door. She'd check the movie listings at the cafe and see which one appealed.' See, the same information, but the reader can see the action and we're drawn along with her as she goes about her day. Do the same with the books. Don't list a whole day of activities, but put these things in here and there - maybe she reads a book in chapters one and three, goes to a movie in chapters six and eleven, walks in the park in chapter nine... You see what I mean?

All the information about what pills Christina takes each day, and her hilarious conversation with her gynaecologist would be much better written as a conversation with another character. Perhaps she can be talking about it on the phone with Butchie? Perhaps she can be meeting a friend at a cafe (see, you're sharing another of the events from that list!) and she can relate the story to them. Have them laugh hysterically or giggle over the memory. Have the friend say 'So what do you use to keep yourself looking so young?' or similar. Don't just have Christina tell the reader. She shouldn't be tlaking to the reader. We should eavesdropping on her life.

Having said that, the conversation with the gynaecologist is briliant, so definitely keep it in the story. *Laugh*

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review of Uniform  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Thanks for your order at "Invalid Item.

The title of this poem first captured my attention, and I was delightfully surprised by what I found. This poem has really nice flow and is so easy to read and enjoy.

I did find my fingers itching to add additional punctuation. I know that some poets prefer to use standard punctuation rules (like me) and others use much less punctuation because it's a poem and not prose. I'd like to see a few more commas, but the only 'must have' is an apostrophe in its in the line 'Strip it all off when its only us'. You need an apostrophe there to keep the meaning of 'it is'.

There isn't a single word I'd change....it works beautifully as is.

Thanks for sharing this,
Elle


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Review by Elle - on hiatus
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Aundria,
This is an incredible poem. I love the descriptive nature of it. Poetry is often emotional, and this one isn't, but it is certainly beautiful.

I couldn't pick a favourite line, or even a favourite stanza, because your choice of words makes each quite magical on its own.

The only one I feel could use a little improvement is the first one. I felt that the first stanza seemed a little forced, in contrast to the rest of the poem which flows very smoothly. I'm not sure how to suggest improvement, I only know that the first four lines don't have that smooth flow of the rest.

There are a few words which are repeated, like proud and proudly, and shine which is mentioned a few times, but I don't think they're an issue. There are no typos or other errors that I noticed.

All in all, if that first stanza had the smooth flow of the rest of the poem, this would rate five stars from me. It is unique and beautifully written.
Elle


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Review of Writing.Com 101  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


I just followed these instructions to set up offsite mail (or however it should be termed) on my iphone. It was very easy to follow, no dramas at all, and now....they're there! My WDC emails are on my phone with my other emails! Sooooo easy! I am so excited!!

The only (very minor and not really necessary) change I could suggest is that instead of a 'save' button being referred to, it looks like (from my experience just now) it should be a 'next' button. But it was very easy to follow anyway.

This will make it infinitely easier to check my WDC email when I just want to quickly see if there's anything that I should log in to attend to or not. Brilliant. I love it! *Bigsmile*
Elle


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Review by Elle - on hiatus
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Thank you for requesting a review. *Smile*

In terms of rhyme and rhythm, this poem is very good. It also made me hungry! *Laugh* It's a wonderful tribute to all those foods we shouldn't eat but can't resist because they're so tasty. *Smile*

I only have a couple of suggestions, which are purely technical, regarding spelling and punctuation. This is more a matter of 'tidying up' the poem rather than improving it. I think you've done an excellent job on it.

a confectioners dream!
Confectioners should be confectioner's, with an apostrophe.

Sticks filled with chocolate,
I was curious what kind of sticks you meant, but suspect this might be because I'm not American. *Smile*

pies made with butter!
Oh yes, all the very best pies are made with real butter. Man, I'm drooling now! *Laugh*

Carmel dipped ice cream,
Carmel should be caramel. I have heard that Americans often pronounce it carmel instead of caramel, but I'm pretty sure it's still spelled the same way.

and turtles in jars!
Turtles? Now I'm REALLY curious! What are turtles (apart from the animals of course, I know about those!)?

A fun food poem that makes my mouth water. *Smile*

Completely off topic, I wanted to mention two things. Firstly, you live in the same state as a good friend of mine. *Smile* Secondly, I too love photography. I'm just an amateur, but I've done a couple of weddings, and love it. My family tease me about taking my camera everywhere. *Smile* I do digital scrapbooking as well, but I'm not sure that's what you meant by digital art. Still, it seems we have some interests in common. *Smile*
Nice to meet you!
Elle


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Review of Hush Little House  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review was bought for you at "Invalid Item by Maryann - House Martell with the message 'Thinking of you, Aunt Dottie!'

Oh, Dottie, I couldn't help but laugh as I read this. You must have written it just for me. *Laugh* The only reason the pile of clean washing in my lounge is confined to two armchairs (and not four!) is because my husband and I refuse to sit on the floor! *Laugh*

I love your idea of throwing on your robe and pretending the house is only messy because you've been sick! Brilliant! I must use that sometime. *Delight*

I actually have a sign on my door that reads 'I know our house is quite a mess, but come in, relax, converse. It's not always quite this bad, sometimes it's even worse!' *Laugh*

I didn't write this, but I thought you might get a giggle out of it, as I got a giggle out of yours...

'Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake a cake or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
with rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
music to hear and books to read,
friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go, and go you must,
you, yourself, will make more dust.'


Thank you so much for the fun read. I really needed that today. *Smile*
Elle


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Review by Elle - on hiatus
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi there,
I am reviewing this item as the judge of "The Lair Contest (Mythical Creatures). Thank you for entering!

I am so impressed by how much you wrote in just one week! Five chapters, a prologue and an epilogue! *Shock*

You've created a world for your unicorns with a language (for the spells), rules, and differences from Earth. Your story is quite different from the average unicorn story. There are no virgins, they're not all pure white, etc etc. Very original. Very impressive.

Your work needs editing, but most of it is just a simple fix, like punctuation. I've highlighted any errors below.

Or perhaps, an intelligent beast in hiding, whose horn caries magical powers?
Caries should be carries.

Yes they are in hiding.
You should have a comma after yes.

“Very good, Firenze.” Came a voice from behind them.
The dialogue tag should stay with the dialogue, so instead of a full stop and a capital letter, use a comma and a lower case letter. *Smile*

As him name said, he was master of air.
Him should be his.

5 feet off the ground Arion fell onto his back.
You should use the word five rather than the numeral, as it's the beginning of a sentence. I also had to go back and reread this again as I didn't quite follow what had happened. Perhaps if you worded it slightly more specifically. 'Five feet off the ground, he finally caught Arion on his back.'

“What happened?” He asked, getting to his feet.
He should have a lower case letter, as this is all one sentence.

Firenze grinned. “I won.”
Ha ha, I like that. *Laugh*

If they disappear, there’s no telling what will happen.” Said the one with brown hooves.
This should all be one sentence, so change the comma to a full stop and the upper case letter on said to a lower case letter.

“Remember, after we have taken the little ones and drank their power, you may eat them.
Drank should be drunk.

“Did you have to?” Said Arnesia.
This one too should be one sentence.

“Yeah!” Said Arion.
This one too.

“No,” Said Firenze, getting up.
And this one.

“Were going to walk.
Were should be we're.

“And,” He pointed out, “ You can’t carry both of us more than three feet.
This is one sentence also. You should have a capital though, as the dialogue continues after the dialogue tag.

Young one’s are always a delicacy.
You don't need an apostrophe on ones.

“Let’s go!” He shouted. “Before we lose them.”
This should all be one sentence.

He stayed far behind them, and galloped in the shadows, Worvane and Evintide close behind.
The use of the word 'them' is quite ambiguous in this sentence. At first I thought you meant the other two black unicorns. Perhaps saying 'the children' would make it a lot clearer.

“Come on!” He yelled.
This should be one sentence.

He took a breath.
You give us no indication who 'he' is here, and it is another nine sentences before we find out. You really need to use a name there.

“Hey,” He said, though no one could hear him.
This is all one sentence, so you don't need a capital letter on he.

He could feel his heart beating wildly inside his chest, as though it wanted to break free from it’s cage and get as far away from those dark unicorns as it could.
Its doesn't need an apostrophe there.

“He’s after us,” He whispered.
Again, no capital letter needed there.

“Let me,” She said.
This one doesn't need a capital letter on she either.

The passage was deserted, but had the markings of small light feet, like a fairies.
Because you said 'a' fairy, it is singular, not plural. Therefore it should be fairy's and not fairies.

Every day he comes in and takes one of us away to eat.” She shuddered.
You used the word shudder or shuddered three times in quick succession. Perhaps another word could be used to the same effect?

“No!” Shouted Firenze so suddenly that they all stopped crying and stared at him.
Shouted should have a lower case letter as this is all one sentence.

Firenze could feel that it’s magic was weak because someone had gone through it so many times.
You don't need an apostrophe in its there.

“Thank you,” She said, and was gone.
She doesn't need a capital letter as this is all one sentence.

They just had their breeding time, and I have to all but one of the mothers and one little boy so that they don’t overrun the cave.
I think you're missing a word there. 'I have to all but one of the mothers'??

His attempts grew weaker and weaker, and he looked up a Dorman one last time.
A should be at.

“On my back,” he ordered, and they flew on the dark winds, towards their prey, which had already captured themselves.
I think which should be who - 'who had already captured themselves'.

Only if they could fly would they be able to catch them.
You say they but you're not referring to any unicorn you've mentioned by name in this chapter so far, so you'll have to be more specific. 'Only if the dark unicorns could fly would the kids be caught.' Or something like that. Imagine if a reader was reading just one chapter a night before bed, and they read the beginning of this chapter. Help them get it clear without having to reread or think too hard. *Smile*

A small stream was at the back of the cave. Next to it was a patch of grass.
You could probably be more descriptive here. Help your reader to visualise the location.

“That was awesome!” She said.
She should have a lower case letter as this is all one sentence.

She smiled, remembering how the wind whistled through her hair, and the exhilarating feeling of freedom.
This doesn't fit with the previous events. They should be all talking at once, fearful and nervous, perhaps checking to see if they were followed, or reminding each other of the scariest moments. "Did you see how I opened the stone with the fire?" "I've never run so fast in my life!" "Wow, I've never seen so many fairies before. Or any!" For them to be smiling and excited doesn't make the danger feel real. Someone tried to EAT them! Show us the aftermath of their close escape.

He guessed that Worvane hadn’t made it out of the water.
How did he guess that? What knowledge could he possibly have that would help him draw that conclusion? Perhaps Worvane might be just outside, or off starting a fire to cook some tasty unicorn kids? It seems unlikely that Firenze would just guess that Worvane had perished without some prior knowledge that would lead him to that conclusion. Either change the conclusion, or allow the reader a glimpse of how he came to it.

His eyes met the cold black eyes of Dorman.
Dorman was surprised by the calmness in the ginger’s eyes, but he quickly hid it.
Firenze saw Dorman’s expression. He was surprised that there was no fear in his eyes.

These sentences lack a little something. You're 'telling' the reader and not 'showing' them.
'His eyes met a cold black gaze and he tried very hard not to reveal any fear. He took a calming breath, but when an evil glee shimmered in the black eyes before him, he couldn't help the shiver that ran through him.

Try not to change point of view too often. You switch from the thoughts of one unicorn to another with every sentence sometimes, and it is confusing for your reader. At the minimum, use one unicorn's point of view for a whole paragraph and then change, but it would work much better if you stayed with one point of view for a chapter or half a chapter. You can show 'what they're thinking' by their actions, expressions and body language. This also draws the reader in, because instead of being told what each unicorn is thinking, the reader is evaluating all that body language and drawing their own (hopefully right!) conclusions. Being 'told' instead of 'shown' puts the reader at a distance and reminds them that they're reading a story instead of being absorbed in one.

“Wednid!” Shouted Arion.
Shouted should have a lower case letter as this is all one sentence.

Evintide shouted, “Tessod!” and Arnesia shouted, “Delboud Back!” And Evintide was thrown into the air.
And should have a lower case letter as this is all one sentence.

Arion shouted, “Ceniahd!” And Evintide was thrown to the ground.
Again, and should have a lower case letter.

He shouted, “Pian!”
He who? I think you would be better served to use the unicorn's name.

And Dtaeh
You need a full stop after the end of that sentence.

Dorman and Firenze stood alone.
What happened to Evintide? He was crumpled by Arnesia's kick, but you never mentioned him leaving the scene. Oops, a bit of a continuity fail there. *Smile*

Then all of a sudden, a red and black began to glow.
A red and black WHAT began to glow?

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” He yelled, and then there was silence.
He should have a lower case letter as this is all one sentence.

Then he turned away and dropped to the ground with Arion and Arnesia.
How does the reader learn how Arion safely stopped Arnesia from falling to her death? Last we heard, he was wounded, and there was some doubt over whether he could save her or himself. You might need to add some additional info there.

“Thank you,” He said, and willed fire to come.
He should have a lower case letter.

Too evil to take your power from.
That's an awkward sentence. How about 'Too evil for us to want your power ourselves.'

The dragon’s pupils began to light with a strange blue glow.
Just a suggestion, but what about switching the words light and glow around? 'The dragon's pupils began to glow with a strange blue light.'

He felt himself being pulled, and he flew threw the air, his legs kicking wildly.
Threw should be through.

Soon it became tradition for the first-born female to visit Firenze and his ancestors every full moon.
I think you mean descendants, rather than ancestors. Ancestors are the ones who came before him and descendants are the ones that came after him.

I'm sure you've heard before that no evil character should be 100% and wholly evil, just as no good character should be 100% and wholly good. I think it would add to your story and the depths of your characters if Dorman and Evintide had helped save Worvane from the water and/or the dragon. This loyalty to their friend, and perhaps even love (or some weaker version of it) would prevent the evil unicorns from being too one-sided.

The thing I enjoyed most about your story was the originality. Your unicorn story was truly unique, and you have clearly put the background work into creating a world in which they live.

Thank you for entering my competition, I enjoyed reading your entry. My apologies for the delay in the review.
Elle


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Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Christina,
This is another chapter with a huge amount of information being 'told' to the reader. Very similar to chapter 4, so I won't repeat all my comments, but it definitely needs the same sort of reworking as chapter 4.


*Cut*He was delighted.*Cut*
Show us. Is he smiling? Grinning? Is his heart beating faster? Is he holding his breath as he waits for the message to load?

*Cut*Another message. He couldn't stop thinking about her, day and night. She was in his dreams, in his daily activities, even in little daily things and he would hurry home now in order to check his e-mail.*Cut*
Show us. Let us see how thoughts of her intrude on his day. Perhaps he is washing the dishes and thinking of her, and suddenly realises he is standing with his hands in cold water. Show us.

*Cut*I left him and scorpions, blue frogs and baboons, nuns, friends and cabbage and going up the hills wearing uniforms and a tie all behind to start a new life in another country, with a different language, another school, another home, different food (soon, fish for breakfast in the morning, in Spain!), different cultures and habits. This would be our life from now on, changing, moving, adapting, learning but in each place, leaving a bit of my heart.*Cut*
Great writing there!

*Cut*When we were halfway between Zululand and Swaziland something happened to us. *Cut*
What an ordinary start to a story. What about if you just say 'We were halfway between Zululand and Swaziland, and it was about 6pm. There was still a bit of daylight... Just head straight into the story. Grab attention.

*Cut*There we got on a big ship and crossed the Red Sea all the way up to Egypt, with Saudi Arabia and its hot dessert on one side and hot, hot Sudan and Egypt on the other. *Cut*
Dessert should be desert.

*Cut*We went by car to Cairo and where the Pyramids of Giza were, driving down South The Nile River to Luxor.*Cut*
That sentence doesn't quite read properly. Read it through and see what you think.

*Cut*We saw an enormous oasis, The Sphinx, the Great Pyramids and I rode a stinky camel that smelled like 7-day pee all over him and when I finished the ride I hugged him tight to say goodbye and then it was me that smelled like 7-day pee for 7 days, nobody got close to me, it was simply horrible! *Cut*
You probably need to break this into two sentences, but I love the addition of the smelly camel to those amazing sights you saw.

*Cut*Italians are happy, noisy people and I loved them but pizza in Italy is really, really horrible!*Cut*
Why? What didn't you like about it? Share your experience with the reader (and Butchie).

*Cut*I also learned how to dance flamenco, play the castañolas or castanuelas and went to the Plaza de Los Toros and saw a torada or bullfight. I felt sick to my stomach with the blood and violence! I never went to another again!*Cut*
Tell us about learning to dance or play... These are good opportunities for showing and not telling. Don't forget to weave Butchie's reactions to these stories all the way through the chapter.

*Cut*The school immediately fired the teacher, informed the parents and the students what had happened and that they would not permit this type of bias in the school. *Cut*
What did you think about that? Was she just doing her job and treated unfairly? Was there something else she should have done? I think there's more to the story here.

*Cut*I was the most popular girl in school after that but never again had good grades in History and always had problems with any History teacher.*Cut*
Why were you popular? I think this needs to be explained to the reader.

*Cut*I never forgot that kiss in the dark; it was a warm, wet cinnamon kiss.*Cut*
There really should be a reaction from Butchie to that story!!

As I said, many of the same comments apply as chapter 4 - more showing, less telling and intersperse Butchie's reactions and comments to break up the information and keep the focus on the developing relationship.


*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review of Time Amorphous  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Angels in my Ear ,
I saw your request for a review of this item.

Generally speaking, it's pretty good. There are only a few lines that I felt seemed a little forced. I'll give you my suggestions for the verse order, since you asked.

The first verse is one of the best. It flows well, has good rhythm and provides a wonderful lead in to your poem.

I like the first three lines of your second verse, but feel the last line there is a little forced. It doesn't have the flow of the rest of the verse.

I love the third verse, although I think it's should be its.

I like the fourth verse, but the rhythm falters slightly on the last line. I think you need another syllable in there. To make the rhythm work I have to stretch 'what' into two syllables.

I like the fifth verse, no changes necessary there.

The sixth verse is very good, although its should be it's, because you actually mean 'it is'.

The last verse has great meaning and a wonderful use of words, but the rhythm doesn't work for me at all. I do love that last line though.

Currently the order is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. I would suggest 1, 3, 5, 2, 6, 4, 7.

Hope that is of some help to you!
Elle


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120
120
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
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*Bursto* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile*

Hi Christina,
This is a very short chapter, but it has a startling beginning. The author is now talking to the reader. Up until now, the story has all been in third person, and now, in the fifth chapter, we have a narrator who is speaking directly to the reader? That's not something I would recommend. I'm sure you (or the narrator) have things, life lessons, to share with the reader, but you shouldn't suddenly change the point of view partway through the book. Also, telling the reader not to 'just sit there' isn't a good way to keep them reading your book. I would remove everything from 'He sent her this' to 'We must not wait too long' and just start the chapter from 'Dear Christina.'

*Cut*I do, when I go to messenger, not my regular email, get their matches, at least I checked the messenger once and had a series of weeks - it's too much trouble to look.*Cut*
This is a convoluted sentence that doesn't make much sense. I can't work out what he's trying to say here at all. This need to be removed or made clearer.

*Cut*It's the fundamentals in human beings that I look for, and I'm fairly use to the "inconsistent" female, the illusionist American woman, who thinks she can balance four or five males.*Cut*
'Use' should be 'used'. I'd be wary of saying 'the illusionist American woman' as you're likely to offend readers. I'd remove the word American.

*Cut*Here, as I'm sure elsewhere, the criteria I've noticed for "females on-line":
(1) there's generally a quick fix, someone near to get laid,
(2) totally impossible to figure out,
(3) failed marriage, recent, or failed romance, looks for replacement,
(4) neurotic, drinker, smoker, at 40 or so is depressed and miserable,
(5) codependent , there are some studies that show that about 10 per cent of "on-line romance" sites whether young or older and are looking for a final, desperate romance - something to fill the void. That's a pretty high number
*Cut*
Firstly, as I've mentioned before, bullet points don't work well in a fiction story, or romance novel. I'd find another way to write this. These are really harsh, judgemental sentences from Butchie, and I'm not sure this is the way you want to introduce him to your readers. He comes across as misogynistic, and that's the last thing you want a reader to think of a romance novel hero. Also, he seems to be judging the women that use online dating services, and yet he is a man that uses those same services. What does 'impossible to figure out' mean? Is that the woman's fault? And since when is codependency a flaw? I thought it was the aim of every romantic relationship. So as a reader, I'm not happy with this judgemental list of Butchie's, and it's not endearing me to him as a hero. My personal opinion would be to remove the list altogether.

*Cut*I'll send you the pics, but they're from either early 06 Paris, or 06, England.*Cut*
What pics? What is he referring to?

I feel like we haven't yet seen what Christina sees in this man. We have her thoughts, but SHOW US the man she is falling in love with. Let the reader fall in love with him too. Show us all the wonderful things that make him the right man to be the hero in this romance novel.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

** Image ID #1918914 Unavailable **


121
121
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L. Review *Pencil*


*Bursto* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile*

Hi Christina,
The first thing I notice about this chapter is the huge amount of information being 'told' to the reader. I liked the paragraph where you put us in Butchie's shoes and showed us what he felt, but I would have liked to have seen more of that. Perhaps you could intersperse his reactions with the email from Christina, so we see what he thinks about each new thing he learns, as he learns it. That's my primary suggestion for this chapter. I'll give you some technical feedback on what's there as well.

*Cut*
His heart was beating just as fast as Christina's in Brazil when he got this.*Cut*
I would take out the comparison to Christina. 'His heart was beating fast' is great 'showing'. *Delight*

*Cut*
He was pleased.*Cut*
And we're back to telling. This isn't necessary. Use things like his fast heart rate, a smile he can't keep off his face, a growing sense of excitement, etc to 'show' us how he feels.

*Cut*
He walked, naked, to his large window and saw the familiar Caribbean Sea, so blue, so calm. He had to meet her! Would she like him? Would she like it here? Would she like to live here?*Cut*
Great work!

*Cut*
I was born in Philadelphia, PA, USA on June 1st. 1950. I was a premature baby. My mother, Gloria Maria, a Brazilian from Recife, Pernambuco, said she fell from the stairs and that's why I was born with 6 months.*Cut*
'Born with 6 months' should be 'born at 6 months' or 'born 6 months early', whichever is correct.

Is it really necessary to have Christina's parents' life stories here as well? While you may have shared them, they detract from the story at this stage. A mere mention of 'we discussed my parents and how they'd met, what their lives had been like' would be sufficient. The reader wants to read about Christina and Butchie, not her parents. I would delete everything from 'They met in 1943' all the way to 'My brother Bruce was born and two years later, I was.' Keep the focus on Christina and Buthie.

*Cut*
The doctors said that I wasn't going to survive (imagine if I had been born in Brazil) but I was strong and determined and survived. I never broke a bone or got seriously sick. I always looked younger than my age and I was and am persevering, stubborn and an adventurer, never scared of doing new things and discovering this amazing world we live in.*Cut*
Good. What did Butchie think about this view into your personality? Share his responses here to break up the monologue.

*Cut*
After 10 years of marriage and living in Philadelphia and Colorado Springs, my mother decided that she couldn't live in the USA anymore. It was a modern culture and society with all the machines possible to help her in the kitchen but she wasn't suit to be a housewife and missed all the comforts, the pampering, the protection and maids in Recife. They decided something odd: she would go to Brazil with me and he would keep Bruce in the USA, forever. Why would parents deliberately keep a brother and a sister apart?*Cut*
What does Butchie think about that? For that matter, what did Christina think about it? Share the emotions, not just the facts.

*Cut*
She went to Brazil with me, in 1951. I only saw my brother again 16 years later and my father, 19 years later. In Recife, my mother discovered that it wasn't a good idea to live there after all. She was still young and beautiful to restart her life but in Recife, a small, traditional city in the northeast of Brazil, she was a divorced woman with a child, a bad, bad thing in those times and nobody accepted her, not even her own mother, Naninha. Her 8 brothers considered her a whore and me, a black sheep. This is where I first felt like an outcast!*Cut*
Butchie must have been angered to read that. Share his reactions.

*Cut*
My mother applied for a job in the Brazilian Consulate in Miami.*Cut*
I would just say that she got a job, and not bother saying she applied.

*Cut*
She applied for a job to work as a receptionist. She spoke Portuguese and English, was lovely and intelligent and very popular among her coworkers. My mother and Colmar dated and started a relationship.*Cut*
These sentences aren't really necessary, and take the focus off Christina and Butchie.

*Cut*
They fell in love. She told him about me, in Brazil. He was delighted as he always wanted a to have a real family. His ex-wife was a monster, he told, and his two children, horrible. He proposed marriage and she accepted. With this, it was time to get me back, have a family or better, pretend that she had a family, the perfect family. Everything with her was all about pretending.*Cut*
And more reactions from Butchie?

*Cut*
She called mamãe Lurdinha to get me ready for leaving when she came. Lurdinha cried and begged her to leave me with her. She refused. Mamãe Lurdinha said she would not give me back to her. So my mother had to call my father, Henry, to travel to Brazil and fetch me. He did. He went with Bruce. This was the last time I saw him and I did not even know that he was my father and that Bruce, my brother. I was 3 years old. He took me from her arms in the airport and she fainted in Babá's arms, who sobbed openly. I was taken from my "mother's" arms while screaming and kicking all the way to Miami. My father told me, many years later, that he had hated the rescue mission but he had to do it. They had agreed on a decision that was only good for her, for my mother. I was put in her arms and next day, I woke up in a strange world, a strange room, no Babá or Mamãe Lurdinha, no tio Mario, no beach, fair breeze and even the palm trees outside my window looked smaller. I was quiet for many, many weeks. I never said a word and Colmar thought that I was a weird little girl.*Cut*
That's great writing. What are Butchie's reactions?

*Cut*
Maybe this is why I am so childish sometimes, today.*Cut*
Perfect time for more reactions from Butchie. What does he think about her admission that sometimes she can be childish?

*Cut*
I learned about the Baboons and their red butts, the black king scorpions that liked to hide in boots inside your closet during the day and I learned about the tiger sharks spread all over Cape Town's beaches, that would come to the shore and grab the person's ankles, take the body to the deepest waters and destroy the corpse in minutes, worse than the Piranhas in the Amazon River in Brazil. I had nightmares about this for many months and was never allowed to go to the beach even if they had electrical wired fences around them.*Cut*
Great writing. More reactions from Butchie here! What does he think about all these strange creatures? Are they exotic to him, or is he familiar with them? Does he have some learning experiences of his own to share, that he might make a mental note of?

*Cut*
One weekend, I woke up with a scream coming from the kitchen. I got my teddy bear and went barefoot to the kitchen, rubbing my eyes. My mother was terrified, looking at my father, who was with a cigarette lighter in one hand and holding a bottle of alcohol in another, petrified. He was staring at the biggest and meanest looking African Scorpion I had ever seen in my lifetime (sometimes they would come into your house during the day - it was cooler than outside - to hide in closets, in boots and in secret places). He was kind of beige and black looking, hard and transparent, larger than a big tea cup (or about 8 inches), with 6 legs and 2 big pedipalps that he stretched out, both like a combination pincer and knife and he was ready to sting my father with his other enormous raised metasoma or "tail" with a stinger containing the deadly venom. I could hear his thin legs on the kitchen floor, skidding and moving while he observed my father ferociously. My father said: "Tina...don't you move, hear me?" Nobody moved but the Scorpion. I admired him, so mean, so brave yet so small. Suddenly my father cornered him on the wall by putting alcohol in front of him and lighting it with the cigarette lighter. Fire sparkled all around him. He rose. He observed. No escape. He tried again. Too hot. *Cut*
Great writing!

*Cut*
The predator could not bear it; he was not build for sun, heat, fire. Oh He knew this so well... maybe from decades, years, centuries of preying and many adaptations, surviving techniques and dwelling underground, colonial burrowing or maybe his pair of unique comb-like sense organs, called the pectines, informed this solitary soil digger that he was really f****d up, dead.*Cut*
These sentences detract from the action and aren't necessary. Also, you can't swear in an E-rated story.

*Cut*
Until today I never put boots on without turning them over with my feet.*Cut*
I'd change that to 'Even today', rather than 'Until today'. What did Butchie think about all that?

*Cut*
to like and eat smelly cabbage (which I hate until today)*Cut*
That should be (which I still hate today).

*Cut*
At home (we lived in a street called Swallow Field), I was both introduced to high society*Cut*
You don't need the word 'both' there.

*Cut*
I could set dinner tables for 10 people all alone with silverware and crystal glasses. I discovered Nat King Cole in Africa and when I heard him sing Stardust, I cried deeply. I wanted to be a ballerina dancer and I would dance all over the embassy's house dressed in a white, long nightgown and Emmanu, laughing and giggling, would follow me.*Cut*
Good writing. What are Butchie's reactions as he's reading this? Does he think she's too 'high society' for him, or is he thinking that she could cope with his lifestyle?

The emails are well written, you just need to a) keep the focus on Christina and Butchie, and b) continue to build the romance by showing Butchie's reactions to all he learns of Christina. How does it change his opinion of her? Does he admire her more? Pity her? Does he worry about how she'll cope with his life or does he now believe she can adapt to anything? Does he feel a kinship with her, or is this all totally foreign to him? How does this knowledge further the romance? That's the most important thing for the reader - how does this chapter further the romance between Christina and Butchie?

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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122
Review of Tree  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Rosesarered12 ,
This is indeed a dark poem as you warned. Well, perhaps depressing is a better word. Yet, being able to inspire emotion in your reader, even those less desirable emotions, is a difficult skill to master, so well done.

I loved the way you repeated the first verses, changing them slightly as you changed your perspective on your situation. I also liked that the poem didn't leave the reader feeling depressed, helpless and frustrated...because you showed them that even in the space of the poem you were seeing the silver lining to the situation.

Keep up the good work.
Elle


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123
123
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L. Review *Pencil*


*Bursto* Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile*

It might be just my personal opinion, but I'm not sure that a series of lists like this works well in a romance novel. I think this information would be better delivered in paragraphs, and a lot of this information could be woven around the story.

Having said that, I appreciate the idea behind this chapter - that Christina is on a mission to find out more about this man she is communicating with.

*Cut*Why would an intelligent, handsome, retired, 63-year old American man come to Brazil to meet her??? She wondered why such a man was available and thought: Well I am intelligent, handsome and available too!*Cut*
This is a much better way of delivering this information. We have found out that he is retired, 63 years old and American. We know that she lives in Brazil, and she thinks he is handsome and intelligent. This is much better than a list.

*Cut*She Googled him. Meu Deus! He was some kind of expert - Physics? Pharma? What was that? Who was he?*Cut*
I liked this too. I can imagine Christina Googling it and going 'Um, what's that?' *Laugh*

*Cut*He, on an island, but had left the Mainland USA.*Cut*
That sentence is missing something. He what on an island?

*Cut*But he was very different in some unique accomplishment, and this was very interesting.*Cut*
The first half of this sentence doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps 'He had unique accomplishments, and this was very interesting.'

*Cut*Extremely intelligent, and different and - hopefully, yes, like she was.*Cut*
Like she was, in what way?

*Cut*She wondered if he ever had weird thoughts about really stealing a bank while waiting in the bank line and escaping to places like Sydney, Australia or to Juneau, Alaska...*Cut*
'stealing a bank' should be 'robbing a bank'. And I'd move 'while waiting in the bank line' to just after 'weird thoughts'. 'She wondered if he ever had weird thoughts while waiting in the bank line about really robbing a bank and escaping to places like Sydney, Australia or to Juneau, Alaska...'

*Cut*She started sending information about Brazil to him and started telling him about her life...*Cut*
I would take out everything from 'She lived in Brazil' to 'And many other things so...' and then after the sentence above, I would start sharing her emails with the reader. Don't tell the reader, but include snippets of her emails to him, that show her sharing her life with Butchie and the slowly developing relationship. This is similar to what I suggested in the previous chapter. I like seeing snippets of letters and emails in a story, and in a modern online romance, they definitely have a place. Share them with us. It's far more interesting than Christina telling the reader directly.

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review of The Loud Silence  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Aundria,
I was checking out your folder as posted on the "Invalid Item forum.

I particularly like this piece, as it speaks to my own dreams, plans and ambitions for my family history project. I started with just the family tree, and then realised I didn't just want facts, I wanted stories.

My biggest problem is that I resent fiction intruding into (what I feel) should be a strictly nonfictional realm. I wish the stories could be told in an interesting, captivating way without fictionalising them at all. But as you say in this item, adding that touch can 'bring them to the hearts of their children'.

I can't wait to see what you achieve. If I can do any 'finding of facts' for you, let me know. I have a full subcription to Ancestry.co.uk, although my subscription only allows me to look at records for England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. I'm in New Zealand, but 99% of my family history is in the UK.

I look forward to seeing what you create from the dusty facts and figures. Your post is inspiring and I might just head off to do some work on my own project!
Elle


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125
Review of The Wishing Place  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Nikola,
I found your poem via the Random Review tool.

It's a beautiful little poem. I really enjoyed reading it. The rhythm and flow is perfect and I can't think of any suggestions for improvement.

I like the reference to 'misty spirits' and 'mossy hiding place'. I also particularly liked the dancing sunbeams. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing!
Elle
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