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562 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I generally give an overview of the item, then point out any corrections, suggestions or highlight favourite lines. I am a captain of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. See my reviews below for examples.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and catching typos, spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.
Favorite Genres
Romance, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Jimmy,
thanks for sharing your demo book. I didn't read the entire thing as I have already read it and reviewed it chapter by chapter, but it was lovely to see it presented as a book.
The illustrations add to the 'completed' feel of the book and I thought some of them were particularly lovely (I liked the one of the two girls hugging on the dock).
I also found the 'About the Author' section a good addition - you look very smart in that picture! It's always nice to have a wee insight into the author.
All in all, great work. I will look forward to hearing that your book has been picked up for publishing. *Smile*

Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Invalid Item!


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152
152
Review of She's So Cute  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Barbie,
I'm reviewing this poem as part of the portfolio raid you won in the "Invalid Item.

This is a very sweet poem that really captures the essence of a small child. I loved the way you tell us that her expressions speak even though she can't. I was imagining what she looked like. Very cute. *Smile*

*Cut*When she sleeps
she grabs ahold
and just won't let go.*Cut*

That brought to mind vivid memories of my own sleeping children when they were little. Very touching.

Overall, it's a wonderful moment captured in the relationship between mother and daughter. If only they stayed that sweet and cute forever! It will be a lovely way to remember her at that adorable age when they have enough personality to capture our hearts but are still so sweet and innocent. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing,
Elle

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153
153
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Barbie,
I'm reviewing this poem as part of the portfolio raid you won in the "Invalid Item.

This is a neat acrostic, very uplifting and encouraging.

I liked the variety of words for each line. They range from 12 words to just one, and yet it works really well.

My only small suggestion would be for this line:
*Cut*Goals, both personal and ones assigned by an editor or agent*Cut*
I would have perhaps said 'assigned by others' rather than 'assigned by an editor or agent'. But there is nothing wrong at all with leaving it as it is.

There were lots of favourite lines, and I am finding it too hard to pick just one! Here are my favourites:
*Cut*Original, being okay with your own style and other*Cut*
*Cut*Understanding that your piece doesn't have to beperfect, the first draft*Cut*
*Cut*Errors, finding them all*Cut*

On the whole, I really liked this. It definitely rings true to NaNoWriMo for me! I look forward to seeing it as a C-note with the angel illustration. *Smile*
Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Invalid Item!


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154
154
Review of Un Named Piece  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Barbie,
I'm reviewing this poem as part of the portfolio raid you won in the "Invalid Item.

This is quite a simple poem, but it flows quite well and suggests to the reader that you were watching these workmen traipsing past your window or perhaps working in view, day after day.

I like this line:
*Cut*Rebuild or destroy*Cut*
Great use of words!

*Cut*Old house to new house*Cut*
*Cut*Drill, Hammer, Saw, or Hoe*Cut*
These two lines seem just a little long to fit with the rest of the poem. I would simply suggest removing the last word 'house' from the first line and the word 'hoe' from the second line. A hoe seems a strange tool for workmen to use on a house, but of course it would make sense if they were also doing some landscaping or something. Still, it seemed the easiest word to lose from the line.
It would then read (the first three lines) as:
Old house to new
Rebuild or destroy
Drill, hammer or saw

That's only a suggestion of course, you need to decide what works best for you as the poet. All readers have different opinions and thoughts, and you just need to take what works best for you.

The last three lines work very well and I think you have chosen the line breaks really well. Excellent work.

Thanks for sharing,
Elle

The "Kiwis on WDC! group are bringing a little sunshine to WDC this Christmas! Check out the "Invalid Item!


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155
155
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Tuesday 13th November. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*WDC POWER REVIEWERS REVIEW RAID PARTY *Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*


I'm reviewing this piece in the hope that some more people will see it. It is definitely worthy of more support.

While I have a few suggestions for improvement, I am giving you 5 stars because a) it's a fantastic idea that is completely selfless and generous and b) because I want others to see those 5 stars and come and check it out. *Smile*

The title really stands out because you have used a different coloured font. My suggestion is to do the same with other important parts, such as the prizes and the finish date. The finish date is most important but it's a little hard to spot at the moment. Colour will also make the item more attractive to look at.

You have all the info that anyone needs - the reason for the contest, what will happen to their entries, the prizes, the finish date, the judging criteria, etc.

I am also pleased that you extended the contest past November, because that will hopefully catch everyone who is currently doing NaNoWriMo (including me!) who are holed up with their novels, and won't emerge until December 1st!

Best of luck with your contest, and I will definitely be back with an entry.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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156
156
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Tuesday 13th November. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*WDC POWER REVIEWERS REVIEW RAID PARTY *Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*


I saw this item advertised under 'Reviewer Items' on the left hand side of my screen and as a Kiwi I was instantly intrigued. Easter at the beach? Must be either an Aussie or a Kiwi! And I was right. *Smile*

I really enjoyed this piece. You have a beautiful writing voice.

*Cut*Spotted white clouds looked like scattered pillows splayed across a bedspread blue sky. The wind was sleepy and remained hidden, in its afternoon nap.*Cut*
Those words are truly pleasurable to read. My mind instantly thinks of warm, sunny, relaxing days.

*Cut*Dozens of people cruised the sand-bordered tide, enjoying the ocean-filled sights, sounds and faces, all whom a White Labrador, loves to greet.*Cut*
I would use lower case letters for 'white labrador' and remove the comma after labrador which isn't necessary.

*Cut*With all these pleasantries, we meandered along path of wet sand, sea glass, and warm penetrating sunshine.*Cut*
It looks like that should be 'a path'.

In your fourth paragraph you've used a capital letter for veterinarian which doesn't need one, and in your fifth paragraph you've used a capital for seagull, which also doesn't need one. Those are the only errors I could spot though.

I really enjoyed reading this. It felt full of wonder and emotion and yet it was nothing so momentous in the big scheme of things - one lone seagull - but you made it in to something beautiful. People will be able to sense the wonder that you felt and share in it.

Beautiful work. Keep it up.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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157
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Review of This damn war  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

This is the last review of your Nuclear package from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

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I found this story easy to read and quite gripping - I definitely wanted to keep on reading and find out what happened. You caught me by surprise in two places and overall I really enjoyed your work.

Technically, I noticed very few errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar.

I thought the battle scene was well written, and it gave an interesting perspective. I don't know if there are many war stories out there written from the perspective of the drummer boy, but I certainly haven't come across one. It was particularly interesting because it wasn't about right or wrong, it didn't tell us what manouvers the army was doing, or anything like that. It was just the noise, the smell, the pain....what we as non-soldiers would identify. Excellent.

*Cut*“This rot they filled had with at school,”*Cut*
I think that should be 'This rot they filled his head with at school'.

*Cut*While he was looking around franticly*Cut*
That should be 'frantically'.

*Cut*His prim and proper sister and picked up some of the soldier’s slang.*Cut*
That should be 'had picked up'. By the way, I liked that sentence. It gave a bit of personality and depth to a minor character.

You did a great job of mixing dialogue with description, action with quiet, pensive moments (is there a word for the opposite of action?!) and generally with writing an excellent story that is easy and a pleasure to read.

Thanks for sharing,
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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158
158
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids


I saw your request for a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - please note that these are just my opinions and you should disregard any opinions/comments that don't work for you.

Your prologue was very much an explanation, providing the reader with background information that will help them understand more of the coming story. I found it quite difficult to read though. At the beginning you explained things in very simple terms directly to the reader, then you had some characters explain things to each other. But those characters weren't given any substance or personality - it was clear that they were just a tool to explain more things. It even seemed like the things they were explaining to each other were common knowledge in their world and I was left thinking 'Why is he telling him all of that? Surely he already knows it, even if I (the reader) don't?'

I'm not sure who your intended audience is, and that makes it a little hard to work out the best way to advise you on potential corrections. I highly doubt that I am your intended audience, being a woman in my 30s, but I'll do my best to help anyway. *Smile*

*Cut*In the year 1094 S.E, there was once a peaceful green and rich land called Mana. In this land there resided humans and magical creatures living together in peace. In one kingdom in particular because of their bond with the spirits, people throughout the land respected the citizens of Spiritus. The people worked and lived respecting these spirits that dwelled in their land as Gods.*Cut*
My first thought was that this is written very simply. I felt you could combine some of the sentences and still convey the same information.
Like, maybe 'In the land of Mana, where people and magical creatures live together in peace, the citizens of Spiritus are unique. They rever the spirits that dwell in their kingdom and are respected in turn, and over time this relationship has developed into a formal religion.'
My suggestion is that you read your original words and then read mine and see what the difference is. Probably the right words for your story lie somewhere between yours and mine. All I am offering is an example of another way to say the same thing, but only you will know what fits best with your story. Do bear in mind though that you do not need to tell the reader EVERYTHING. It is important that YOU know everything, but some information can be shared over the rest of the story, some can be assumed, and some will just dictate the action or the way characters behave without the reader ever knowing the specifics.

Through the rest of your prologue, I would suggest fleshing out your characters (eg the King, Luzius and Pulites). Give them gestures and facial expressions. Give them surroundings and action. Write this story as if it is almost a complete story in its own right. Grab the reader's attention and then keep it. *Smile* And make sure they're not explaining common knowledge to each other. They can complain and moan to each other, or argue with each other over the merits of different decisions/actions, but it is unlikely they will just randomly explain things to each other. Perhaps one person is confused by how the decision will affect them or change the situation and the other character can then explain. I suppose what I'm trying to say (in a long-winded way!) is they need a REASON to explain things. That the reader needs to know is not enough.

*Cut*"No! The only reason we have started this battle was to save our land... we are not in search of needless conflict." The King said with a malicious look on his face.*Cut*
I would suggest that 'malicious' isn't the right word for that sentence. He is doing the right thing, for the right reasons and is hardly being cruel or evil. Perhaps 'determined' or 'resolute' might work better?
Also, 'the King said' is part of the same sentence as the dialogue before it, so it doesn't need a capital letter on 'the'.

*Cut*"Yes, Sire! Please forgive my rudeness..." said the Clergyman, pleading for forgiveness.*Cut*
We can tell that he is pleading for forgiveness because he says 'please forgive my rudeness', so you don't need to tell us again. You could perhaps write instead 'backing away, bowing' or something to give us some further knowledge of how repentant he is.

Okay, moving on to Chapter One.

*Cut*During a sunny day in the Slums, even with the dark clouds of dirt in the air, the sun shone brightly. It glistened the sky and raising the tensions of the people. Their hearts were lifted as they progressed through the day, working hard and honestly in the quiet streets.
When suddenly a shattering and crashing noise erupts from a store next to the market.*Cut*

I would suggest that you put the action first, to grab our attention, then follow through with descriptions. You could do something like 'A sudden crashing noise erupted from a store next to the market, shattering the pleasant atmosphere of a sunny day in the Slums.' We don't need to know about the smog yet, we want to find out what has happened. What crashed? Tell us more! You can add depth of detail and scenery later when we're caught up in the story, or weave little details in here and there, as I did above.

I liked the characters of Triston and Reyna. Triston seems to be a fairly typical young boy - boisterous, loud and clumsy but full of general good humour. Reyna is clearly a tomboy but whether that is from circumstance or choice, I'm not sure yet. Her character is the most intriguing and compelling of the two, as far as I'm concerned, but then, I'm a female reader and therefore am more likely to connect with a female character (generally speaking). Other readers might identify more with Triston and be cheering for him to triumph. Both come across as good characters that you (as the author) are well-familiar with. Well done.

*Cut*Are you mad that I kicked your ass?" Reyna remarked as she looked down at him smirking.*Cut*
That's a great introductory line for Reyna - tells us a lot about her character and personality in just a few words.

One thing that I've noticed you do a lot is divide sentences up in to smaller sentences that no longer make sense. Let me give you an example.

*Cut*He fixed his black gold-plated headband, which was covered in dirt. It was a special present given to him by his father. She watched him, feeling sorry for him, he was such a mess, she always made fun of his lack of appearance from his short dark red hair, which only reached to the back of his neck, to his tanned skin. He was even shorter than the rest of the boys his age. The only thing he had going for him was that he was a bit muscular and strong. Compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin. She also had large purple eyes and long hair, always in a pretty ponytail, which flowed all the way down her back, it made her stand out a lot. She pitied him, but mostly she pitied herself since she was wearing the same outfit, as the boy. A worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes. She thought, sighing with disappointment.*Cut*
Taken on its own, the sentence 'Compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin' makes no sense. It sounds likes she is comparing herself to herself. Um, what? But if you combine it with the previous sentence, it makes a lot more sense. 'The only thing he had going for him was that he was a bit muscular and strong compared to herself, who had fair skin, and she was tall and very thin.' Although the comment on her fair skin doesn't really belong in that sentence, the rest of it makes a lot more sense when combined. Don't you think?
Here's another example. You have a sentence which says 'A worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes.' Well, what about them? This sentence contains these items but tells us nothing about them. It needs to be added to another sentence. 'She pitied him, but mostly she pitied herself since she was wearing the same outfit as the boy - a worn out, light brown shirt and dark brown shorts with worn out dark brown shoes.' Do you see what I mean?
The last sentence doesn't make much sense either as it currently stands. 'She thought, sighing with disappointment.' She thought what? What was she disappointed about? I tried merging this sentence with the two previous ones, but it doesn't quite work. You could leave out this sentence altogether, or you can add to it and make it more complete, like 'The thought of her tattered outfit had her sighing with disappointment.' Anyway, have a read through and see if you can spot more examples where you have broken up sentences in to smaller mini-sentences that need joining together. I'm sure there are more, but on the bright side, they will be easy to fix. Mostly the information is all there, you just need to join the sentences back together.

Another thing you do (which is VERY common and I'm constantly pointing it out in reviews *Smile*) is that you put a full stop after dialogue when the sentence continues.
*Cut*Knights are warriors and masters of the sword." he shouted angrily.*Cut*
*Cut*"Whatever, listen the only important thing about being a Knight is victory." she lectured him. *Cut*
*Cut*"WHAT! The bloody hell is going on." A voice shouted from outside the shop*Cut*
After the dialogue, you have then written 'he shouted' or 'she lectured' or 'a voice shouted'. Those things are a continuation of the sentence, so you need a comma after your dialogue, not a full stop.
Also, in that last example, you have broken 'What the bloody hell is going on' in to two sentences when it should be just one. You can write 'what' in capitals to emphasis the volume on it, but you need to remove the exclamation mark and use a lower case letter for the next word. And where the speaker is asking a question, use a question mark at the end of the dialogue instead of a full stop or comma (even where the sentence continues).
Take a look through all your dialogue and see if they use the right punctuation. Like I said, this is a very common mistake, but again, it's an easy fix.

*Cut*He was a large, hairy, balding old man, with a messy and dirty beard. He always reeked of alcohol and sweat.*Cut*
Excellent description! He sounds revolting! *Smile*

I wouldn't explain Sol Gliders to the reader. Just add in details where they fit and otherwise leave them to our imagination. Currently your explanation breaks up the action scene and you don't want that. If you remove the sentence 'Gliders were thin magic circular tablet that uses the spirit energy from the land and energy from the sun to power it', your action scene flows much more smoothly.

*Cut*They increased their speed, using their weight to maneuver the Sol Gliders through the street. They dived on the ground and started crouching and crawling, camouflaging themselves in the crowd.*Cut*
Great action!

*Cut*When they noticed that Felix unleashed his Spirit Wolves, which were used by the Knights to track down enemies.*Cut*
This is another example of an incomplete sentence. When they noticed that he'd releashed his wolves....what happened? 'When they noticed that Felix unleashed his Spirit Wolves, which were used by the Knights to track down enemies, they both panicked.' Or something. Otherwise you could remove the word 'when' from the beginning of the sentence, so that they just noticed the release of the spirit wolves.

*Cut*Suddenly it popped it's head out of the dust cloud, right in between both Triston and Reyna's face. Their faces turned pale, their hearts stopped, at that moment, they knew, they knew that it was the end.
"I... found... you. Ankle Biters..." It said with a sadistic grin on it's face.*Cut*

I can appreciate that you are creating a 'cliffhanger' ending to your chapter here, making the reader wonder what horror has emerged from the dust to face the two kids. However, you've gone from referring to Felix by name to suddenly calling him 'it'. It doesn't make sense to the reader. Simply being caught by Felix could be your cliffhanger, or, I think if Triston and Reyna came face-to-face with a spirit wolf and the reader has no idea what level of danger they face, that would be a good note to finish on.

Your chapters are very short. If the audience you are aiming for is children, this may be suitable, but your chapters are all less than 1,000 words. I can't tell you how long a chapter should be, but just to give you a different view, in my novel that I'm working on (which is aimed at children 7-13yo) my first chapter is 3,000 words and my second is 2,400 words. Your first and second chapters could easily be combined. Your third one has a different feel/mood/theme to it and might work better as a seperate chapter, but I'd then continue to add on to chapter 3 until it is of a similar length to the combined one. Of course, you can leave them as they are. I have no experience in writing, publishing or selling children's books, I'm just giving you my personal opinion. *Smile*

Chapter two has a lot of dialogue without much description or detail. I think it would greatly enhance the story if you gave us more descriptions of the people, the facial expressions, the body language, the surroundings, etc.
Same for chapter 3, although this does have more description. I particularly liked chapter 3 - I felt the story really started moving forward and I felt a real threat to Triston and Reyna as the primary characters. You did well in sharing a sense of impending doom as the chapter continues.

You have the basics of a really great story. I can tell that you have put a lot of thought in to it, and you can probably sit down and talk for hours about all the details of the world you have created. Now the trick is to share those details with us, without sacrificing the flow and action.
I can recommend that you try some of the activities that have been set up to help the participants of National Novel Writing Month - even though you're not doing the challenge, you will find the activities really helpful I think.
 October NaNo Prep: 2012 Calendar  (E)
The calendar of daily challenges accompanying the October NaNo Prep Challenge for 2012.
#1821773 by Brandiwyn🎶

I'm working through the activities at the moment (I'm doing the challenge) and they are so useful. Even though it is intended that nothing you write while completing those activities actually ends up in the final story, they are designed to help you describe different characters, settings and events seperately and get an individual feel for them. I get the impression you have a good, detailed idea of what your Kingdom looks like, but have you ever tried to write a detailed description of it? What does it smell like? What does it feel like? What noises can you hear there? You can weave these little details in to your story and make the setting come alive for your readers. Same with your characters. What does Reyna's mother look like? What does Tristan's father sound like? You don't have to do the activities (I would certainly never know if you didn't!) but I think you might find them helpful. I do!

I hope my comments have been helpful. While it probably feels like I've said 'Great story if it was written completely differently!', that's not what I'm trying to say at all. Mostly it's a punctuation issue, and then just adding more details for your reader. I think you've got a great plot and your characters (Triston, Reyna and Felix so far) are brilliant. DON'T GIVE UP! A little polishing and this will really shine.
If you want another set of eyes to look over it after you've revised it, do come back to the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group and ask for another opinion.
Thanks for sharing your work with me.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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159
Review of Borrowed time  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Just an Ordinary Boo! ,
This is the third of the reviews in the *Lightning* Lightning Package *Lightning* from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group that you won from scorpialex in the Save the Groups raffle.

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It can be hard to receive feedback on a poem that is heartfelt. It is true that sometimes we just 'write what we feel' or that certain words have significance or meaning that others can't see. With that in mind, please take my review in the way that it was meant - if it helps, then great, if you disagree with any of my comments, then please ignore them. The following comments are just my personal opinions.

On the whole I really liked this poem. I think the overall message is true and clear - that memories are distorted by the passage of time. I know from personal experience that my sisters and I will all remember the same incident in quite different ways. It's supposed to be one of the most frustrating things for the police too - that three eye-witnesses to the same event will all give different descriptions of the offender or the victim or the getaway vehicle. "It was a black van". "No, it was a dark blue sedan!". So I think you will find that most readers will agree with, and identify with, your message here.

A second message, which is almost hidden but reveals itself cleverly in that last line, is that we should not dwell on the past. And again, most people will be able to identify with that. Perhaps we can't all let go of it like we should, but we can all recognise the wisdom in your advice.

One thing that bothered me in this poem was that you describe a pressed flower, a 'carefully preserved skeleton', then you mention that the outline is preserved at the cost of detail, and then on to 'blurred' in the following line. For me, as I read those first four lines, I imagined a petal or a leaf that had dried and been lovingly preserved in all its glorious detail...but without the flesh or colour of the original. A carefully preserved skeleton, exactly. However, to me, that doesn't fit with lost details or blurriness. In fact, I would suggest that the pressed flower, the carefully preserved skeleton, doesn't fit well with your intended message. Looking back, now that I know the underlying message, I would expect - a sandcastle that is eroded by wind or waves, a chalk drawing on the sidewalk that is slowly washed away by the rain, or perhaps a faded handwritten letter that is no longer clearly visible. I'm sure there are endless lists of things, but I just felt that a pressed flower, a 'carefully preserved skeleton' didn't fit with the blurring of memories over time.

*Cut*arrested in motion, in time,
appearing altered, by trick of thought
that paints it in hues never endowed on it before,
distorting its shape and proportion.*Cut*

Those lines are fantastic. I particularly like the use of the word 'hues' which makes my imagination light up with all sorts of shades and colours.

Your last two lines aren't very poetical perhaps, but they sum up the whole poem and leave no room for doubt. Well done.

I think you have a lovely 'voice' in your poetry, and your poem was easy to read and I found myself wanting to put pen to paper and write something myself, so it was also inspiring. It is entirely up to you if you wish to change the part about pressed flowers or if that makes perfect sense to you and your other readers and you wish to leave it. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing,
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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160
160
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

I can guess from your username/handle and the subject of this poem, that this one is very special to you. It's a lovely tribute, but even more special is the wonderful memories you have, and the 'living memory' that reminds you each day of him. Yellow roses are special for my husband and I too - the ladies at work insist that he should send red roses for 'love' on our wedding anniversaries or special occasions, but the one year he gave in, I told him he should have gone with his instinct, because yellow roses are my favourites. Now he just sends the yellow ones and it makes the ladies at his work cross. *Smile* I think they read too much in to those 'meanings of flowers' things. In the end, it's the sentiment behind that gift that means everything, and your man obviously loved you very much.

There is only one line in the poem that doesn't 'feel' right.
*Cut*A bush for each of our years.*Cut*
I found I stumbled on the rhythm with that line. You might be able to reread it now that a few years have passed since you first wrote it, and see how it feels to you.

Other than that, it is a lovely poem. Thanks for sharing it.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group
161
161
Review of Random Thoughts  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


There are moments of real beauty in this poem, but it is hard to read, and that stops me from enjoying those moments. You've hidden clever combinations of words in the middle of long, winding sentences and there is a serious lack of commas. Mostly it just needs proofreading, but I'll highlight a few examples for you so you'll know what I refer to.

*Cut*That somewhere out there their is someone who feels like you*Cut*
'Their' should be 'there'. Which would make it 'That somewhere out there there is someone who feels like you'. You could seperate the two words with a comma, but it would be better to rephrase the sentence. Something like 'That somewhere out there, someone feels like you'.

*Cut*For the miles are many the roads wind and turn and though at first they may have been straight they now have become a dimly lit narrow path that could lead you into a heartbreak if you allow it to.*Cut*
That sentence could easily be shortened and made easier to read.
Firstly, it needs a comma after 'the miles are many'. Then I would suggest changing 'though at first they may have been straight they now have become' to something like 'what was straight is now'. I'd also suggest doing the same to 'that could lead you into a heartbreak if you allow it to', which could be 'that could lead to heartbreak'. These are just suggestions, and I don't expect you to simply cut and paste my words in to your poem (although I don't mind if you do use any of them), but rather I am trying to give you examples, so that you can have another look at it, and see what you think will work best. It has to have your 'voice', not mine, and while I can suggest improvements, only you can know what works for your poem, in your voice.

*Cut*You hold the thoughts that when they are going through their storm you would gladly hold the umbrella of love and protection over them.*Cut*
Again, this could easily be rephrased so that it is easier to read. In this case, I would just take out the first five words altogether, they're not necessary. It needs a comma after storm, as well. An umbrella of love and protection is a lovely thought though, I like the way you've done that.

Now that some time has passed since you first wrote this, I would suggest reading through it and adding some commas, seeing if there are any ways to rephrase sentences, etc. You've used some lovely words, like 'brightest beacon of light' and 'the dimly lit narrow path'. There is definitely potential in this poem.

I'll just finish with my favourite words of the piece.
*Cut*someone who was already bright enough to light their own way.*Cut*
Beautiful.

Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


162
162
Review of Helpless  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

I saw your request for a review in the newsletter. Please note that these are just my opinions and others will have different opinions.

The theme of this poem is a difficult one - I understand, because I've had friends who have battled with addiction. I actually wrote a poem myself from the OTHER perspective - that of the user who has passed on. If you're interested, you can check it out - "Invalid Item.

I liked your choices of words, and the mood you created with the poem. There was a mix of what I call 'sweet, sickly words' which give us a lingering impression of the drugs (words like pleasure, saturate, sweet and release), and then the somber words which go with the results of using those drugs (words like burning, evil, pain and extinguish). You do repeat some of the words twice, but I don't think they need changing.

The poem is not rated, and I would suggest you could rate it as 18+ (or 13+ but I'm not 100% sure that's the right rating, so I'm suggesting 18+ just to be safe). If you leave it as '---', it isn't listed on the public pages, and it's much harder for people to find. That might be why you've had so few reviews.

For me, the main 'criticism' of the poem is the lack of punctuation. I know that some poets don't like to use punctuation, but I much prefer it. It's over to you entirely, but I'd like to see full stops, etc in there.

*Cut*and your pleasure"s, burning black holes*Cut*
You've used a quotation mark there instead of an apostrophe, but I don't think it needs either. I would take it out and just leave it as 'pleasures'.

*Cut*I watched sadly as you, saturate you*Cut*
I would suggest taking out the comma in that line, and changing the second 'you' to 'yourself'. So it would read 'I watch sadly as you saturate yourself'. What do you think?

*Cut*and I wonder how, you could not see me *Cut*
*Cut*waiting for your return , from that deep dark valley of insanity*Cut*
*Cut*all the love I have given you, is not enough to stop you*Cut*
None of these lines need commas in them. It feels like you've put the commas in there to make the reader pause, to give rhythm and meter to your poem. It worked, but it leaves the reader frowning over the incorrect use of punctuation (well, that's what it did to me anyway!). I would suggest removing the comma and instead moving the words after each comma to a new line. You could do the same where you currently have commas in your second, third and fourth lines - each of those could easily be made in to two lines. That would keep the metering and rhythm you've achieved, while fixing your punctuation.

Further on metering and rhythm, I thought it was excellently done. I found it easy to 'feel' the metering and the rhythm as I read, and that's a lot rarer than you'd think in poetry.

All in all, well done.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group
163
163
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


This was an amusing, and surprisingly informative piece. I have done a lot of investigation in to being an egg donor, but I have never managed to *cough* meet the weight requirements *cough*, so I haven't donated.

I found the actual process (no, not that process!) quite interesting, and I also enjoyed hearing about your motivations. What made me keep reading though, was your quirky sense of humour that came through very clearly. *Smile*

A couple of places you used the word 'ofcourse' which is actually two words.

I think it would be good if you indented and bullet-pointed lists, such as the information on the legal complications, etc. This would make it easier to read, instead of each point looking like a new paragraph.

*Cut*I queried her on the use of the word “bank” and she laughed.

“Well I think they should replace the ‘b’ with a ‘w’ but it’s just what we use to refer to the procedure”

Yes, banking indeed.*Cut*

That made me laugh out loud. *Bigsmile*

Oh, and you really need to change the rating on this item. Because you used the f word, it needs to be rated as 18+.
To be rated 13+
'There may be mild references to sex, drugs or alcohol, but do not exceed extreme levels. Mild swearing may be used, but no use of the harsher sexually derived words may be found.'
So I would definitely change it to 18+.

A very amusing 'report'. Did you ever hear if there were any results?

Oh, and I meant to say, I doubt the thoughts of the parent at conception have ANYTHING to do with the resulting child. Otherwise, surely there'd be no sane and normal children out there. Is it even possible to conceive a child without thinking dirty thoughts? lol

Thanks for sharing,

Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group
164
164
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This piece is clearly important to you, and this is a great way to promote it. I love the idea of transcript of a radio interview - an excellent idea.

I found the 'accent' quite hard to read, mostly because I'm not English and while I've heard the Liverpool accent before, I found it hard to 'read' in that accent. I kept imagining a Jamaican accent, which doesn't work for your piece at all! *Shock* I have tried to write accents in stories before, and given up. It's incredibly hard to do. One of my favourite authors, Hannah Howell, writes a beautiful Scottish accent that is so easy to read, but I can't do it. Anyway, I can't help you on making the accent 'easier' to read, but maybe if you look over it again now that some time has passed since you first wrote it, you can see if there's any way to improve it. I'm sure a pom could read it quite easily, so please don't take my critique too much to heart. *Smile*

*Cut*We have baby's here for cryin' out loud. *Cut*
'Baby's' should really be 'babies'.

I would suggest putting the comment about the music right at the top, before the piece starts. Otherwise, we read it all the way through and THEN realise that we were supposed to be imagining (no pun intended) the music as we read. It would be great if that was at the top, and I loved the idea of having a set 'soundtrack' to a piece of writing. You've chosen a well-known song too, so it's easier for all of us to 'listen' to it as we read.

Thanks for sharing, and congratulations again on your account anniversary,
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


165
165
Review of Cupid's Fate  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


What a fun read. I have to admit, when I started reading, I was expecting something sweet and sappy. And boring. This was a fun read. *Smile*

*Cut*And to top it all off, I have yet to see a man that can aim, trust me, I’ve woken up with plenty of them to know that they can’t hit the water in the toilet and that particular part is attached.*Cut*
Ha ha ha ha! I live with an 11yo boy and if we can teach him to 'aim' before he leaves home, I will colour myself surprised! *Bigsmile* I would suggest making that sentence in to two sentences though, with a full stop after 'aim'.

*Cut*You captured that bird so perfectly.” I complemented him.*Cut*
That should be a comma after the quotation marks, and 'complemented' should be 'complimented'. To give someone a compliment, you spell it with an i. If two things complement each other, like the new pink cushion complements the brown sofa, it's with an e. Compliment is praise, complement enhances.

*Cut*“Cupid, you know I love you don't you, darling?” He asked almost hesitantly. *Cut*
'He' should have a lower case letter, as it is part of the original sentence.

*Cut*This line of questioning made my skin crawl as if something was sneaking up to whisper a bad secret in my ear.*Cut*
An EXCELLENT sentence! Loved it! It made me want to check for spiders or creepy crawlies!

*Cut*That was four hundred five years, six months, and three days ago and I am still stewing in it.*Cut*
Ha ha ha ha ha! *Bigsmile* Nothing like holding a grudge, huh?

Thank you for the entertaining story, and congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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166
166
Review of GO AN EXTRA MILE  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


What an awesome message you share with us all. You have not only passed this legacy on to your daughter, but as you live it and write it, you pass it on to the rest of us. And it is such a great thing to live by - going the extra mile.

The item would be easier to read if you allowed the lines in each paragraph to run on, instead of breaking a sentence by dropping it down to a new line. For example:
*Cut*Go an extra mile, not only in your work, in your relationship, but in every aspect
of your life.*Cut*

You didn't need a new line for 'of your life'. The sentence could have just kept going on the same line, and that would have made it easier to read.

I liked the way you told us of the 'testimonial' from your daughter, but then shared an example of a complete stranger going the extra mile for you. I had expected lots of examples of YOU going the extra mile, but your story was more powerful for the examples you used.

Thanks for sharing your message, and congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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167
167
Review of SoCalScribe  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that while I thought the layout of this page was good - clear, structured and very easy to navigate - it is incredibly hard to read. It uses very light (even white?) fonts against a white background. I suggest changing the background to a dark colour, so the fonts are visible. You could change the colours of the fonts of course, but changing the background would be the simplest fix. *Smile*
You have a lot to be proud of though, and I hope that one day I'll have a portfolio as impressive as yours.
Elle

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168
168
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This is a great story, and I really do hope you intend to write more chapters. I think this would be very commercial for a 13-16 year old audience. Excellent. The imagery and descriptions are amazing. It needs a little polishing - a few typos, and I noticed several places where you had 'it's' and it should have been 'its', stuff like that. The plot, the character, the way you've written it - all perfect.

*Cut*A clock on a metal shelf next to his bed throbbed 12:15 in red dots.*Cut*
I love that line! I would never have thought to use 'throbbed' but it works perfectly!

*Cut*"Well, mabye this will be the day it all changes," Max whispered.*Cut*
Typo on 'maybe'.

*Cut*He said that everday, just so he could laugh.*Cut*
Typo on 'everyday'.

*Cut*Weather baloons?*Cut*
Typo on 'balloons'.

*Cut*he felt proud that was somewhat of a monkey.*Cut*
That HE was somewhat of a monkey.

*Cut*A white plastic shopping bag danced lonely circles in a breeze at the edge of Broadway Street.*Cut*
*Cut*A convoy of rats raced along the edge of fence.*Cut*
Those two lines are BRILLIANT! *Smile* Although you do need a 'the' before fence. Excellent descriptions though.

*Cut*then sliping and sliding like a black ghost down the alley.*Cut*
Typo on 'slipping'.

*Cut*Letting out a growl that shook the moon,*Cut*
Another excellent line!

*Cut*The girl got her sword in it's path in time it to save herself, and she struck back, but her turn was too slow, her thrust two weak.*Cut*
You've got an extra 'it' after time, which isn't needed. And 'two' before 'weak' should be 'too', not the number two.

*Cut*Instantly, the creature shattered into a cloud of dust like a sack of flour sliced wide open with a chainsaw.*Cut*
Oh, you really do have a knack for language. Fantastic.

I really enjoyed this. I just thought it was so well written. A few minor editing points, a need for proofreading, but the hard stuff, the important stuff, is all great. I really do hope you intend to write further chapters. I'd like to see a continuation of the 'grittiness' of the hard life that Max leads and the descriptions of the surroundings as you continue the story.

Again, congratulations on your account anniversary. *Smile*

Elle

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169
169
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item ! The Fossil Fuel Package has been ordered for you from: Lornda~ House of Martell ~ and includes a review of one story or poem! It came with the message: 'Part of your win for the 'September Review Raid'' Enjoy! *Fire*

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I adore stories about recipes and the passing down of 'heirlooms' from one family member to another. In my family, we call these recipes 'heirloom recipes' because they are as important to our family as any physical heirloom. I am in the process of compiling a recipe book using family recipes, each with their own comments and memories and photos. It's a big job but oh so worth it. I'm so glad you decided to record your memories about your grandmother's pound cake. One day, your children or grandchildren will be ever so glad that you did.

I really liked the way you didn't restrict the memories to just those from the kitchen. You shared a little about your grandparents' personalities and their working histories. That sort of thing is invaluable to a family historian (yep, in my family, that's me!). But you've also made it relevant to the story about the cake - the different lives they led affected the way they were in the kitchen. One grandmother had a lot of time, and cooked more often, and the other grandmother had less time and had to be more efficient.

*Cut*She had her schedule down pat each day had its own event.*Cut*
That sentence is missing some punctuation between pat and each.

Your fifth paragraph is a little hard to read, which is a shame since it is really the most important paragraph of the story. In your third sentence, you wrote:
*Cut*Being short, and the counters were fairly high, let’s just say it was awkward.*Cut*
That really needs rewording. Something like 'I was short and the counters were fairly high, so let's just say it was awkward.' You need to look at the next sentence too, and do the same for that one.

The fact that you put extra comments in with your actual recipe is brilliant. I love the whole 'beat the devil out of it' thing. How funny. *Smile* You can almost hear her say it. Have you thought about putting those comments in a different coloured font so that they stand out from the recipe itself?

I would suggest not using double line spacing for your ingredients, and instead leaving a space between the ingredients and the method, just to make it easier on the eye. I would also put an extra line space before you start talking about the chocolate pound cakes.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You've got me all revved up to go and work on my family recipe book now!
All the best,
Elle

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170
170
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


I've never written lyrics myself, and I don't think I've ever reviewed any before either. I actually expected this to be a poem, and as I was reading through I thought 'Wow, these would make amazing song lyrics!' Then I checked to see what you'd categorised them as, and realised they were lyrics all along. Oops! Still, they are recognisably lyrical and I really enjoyed reading them. I actually really want to hear them sung!!

*Cut*Where each raindrop,
crashing down, telling sad stories.*Cut*

That second line needs to be either 'crashes down, telling sad stories' or 'crashing down, tells sad stories.' Either one would work, but as you have it now it doesn't quite sound right.

You also need to review the punctuation over the whole item. I didn't bother going through and pointing them all out. I'd cut and paste it into Word and do a spelling/grammar check and that should pick up any punctuation errors that you can't spot yourself.

I don't have a favourite line - I went over the whole thing again trying to pick one, but actually I really love all of it. You have a real talent for writing lyrics and I must confess, I'm rather envious. *Smile*

Congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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by Maryann - House Martell
171
171
Review of Going Home  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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It's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This poem really speaks of the loneliness and despair of a homeless woman. The rhythm is almost perfect, as is the rhyme. I only noticed one small error in each.

*Cut*as I slip into my death.*Cut*
I think the rhythm would work better if you took out the word 'my' there.

*Cut*There's no one here to mourn my soul
and no one knows I'm gone.
But my life, it has been whole,
because Jesus shared the dawn.*Cut*

It might just be my accent, but I can't make gone and dawn rhyme. Like I say, it might just be my accent, so take another look at it and see if it still works for you. If it does, just ignore my comment. *Smile*
I really liked the first two lines of that last stanza though - definitely keep them even if you do change the rhyme around a bit.

A great poem, and a powerful subject. Well done, and congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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by Maryann - House Martell
172
172
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


I wasn't sure what I was expecting from the title of your poem, but it certainly wasn't this masterpiece. This is brilliantly written. I have never seen a poem with a four line stanza, followed by a single line, then another four line stanza and so on. You made it work beautifully.

The mood of the poem was a little dark, and I felt a little uncomfortable reading it. It wasn't a sweet, romantice poem, but it was so well written. Afterwards I felt a little...disturbed but had to go back and reread parts of it that I thought were particularly good.

I liked the way you took one small part of the scene and made it the focus. I wouldn't have thought you could describe one thing in so many different ways, but you not only did that, but made it poetic and fascinating as well.

One of the best poems I've read so far on WDC. Thanks for sharing, and again, congratulations on your account anniversary.
Elle

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by Maryann - House Martell
173
173
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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It's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

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I found this piece very powerful. It was the title that first caught my attention and then I had to find out what the story was about. The use of words like 'humiliated', 'piercing', 'disparagement' and 'aspersions' really set a dark mood.

*Cut*“I hate her.”*Cut*
It's such a simple line, but you have used it to brilliant effect and made the words as powerful in your story as they were in real life.

*Cut*A wild joy burst from me when I dared pen*Cut*
That sentence appears to be unfinished. I expected it to finish along the lines of 'I dared my pen to write the words' or something. Take another look at it, I suspect you were probably busy changing something and overlooked that small error.

Again, a fantastic story, very powerful and compelling for so few words and I really enjoyed it. I loved that you triumphed, and that it brings us forward to your successes on WDC today.

Elle

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by Maryann - House Martell
174
174
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Where I live (in New Zealand), it's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

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I found this short story very amusing! As I read, I was rather dreading the outcome of the cooking experiment. I suspected something might go wrong, but the possibilities were endless. As someone who enjoys pottering in the kitchen, and with a number of chefs/bakers in the extended family, your comments about feta and basil made me laugh. Then, when you piled all the pizzas in... Very funny.
I liked the way you finished the story too. Two short words that summed it all up. Well done.
Elle

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A Dozen Delights Auction  [E]
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by Maryann - House Martell
175
175
Review of The Soul Of India  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: ~A.J. Lyle~ and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! The following message was included: This is your 2nd surprise! I hope you enjoy it! *Fire*

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This was a beautiful piece. I have never travelled to India, and have no understanding of what the Ganges means to the Indian people. Your words showed me the depth of their relationship with her. You used powerful words which really reach out and touch the reader and force us to acknowledge that this is not a lightly written piece but one which holds meaning and solemnity.

*Cut*My conscience burdened by the sin I had just committed; I reached the point of atonement, where the earth’s most magnificent spectacle greeted my eyes.*Cut*
This sentence doesn't work for me. I think it's probably worth reviewing it to see if you could do without the semi-colon. The words are good, I think it's just the structure that doesn't seem right.

Other than adding a hyphen to 'disease causing' in your fourth paragraph, I thought the rest of the piece was brilliantly written. I loved the way you used words like 'exploited', 'harnessed', 'monstrous', etc. 'Tears of repentance' was also particularly good.

Just a note: You've used the word fag in this piece and unfortunately that means you require a higher rating on this item. A similar query on the same word in the content rating forum received this answer: '"Fag" is non-E because it's used as a drug. All drugs, regardless if they're legal, are rated non-E. Cigarettes are non-E, and therefore "fag" is.'

Again, I really enjoyed this piece. It opened up my eyes to a little piece of the world that I knew nothing about and gave me a small insight in to something that means so much to so many people. Thank you very much for sharing.
Elle

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